30 years ago today you and you were gone for ever mam. I dont remember much being just 6 years old and in my grandparents that day home from school ill when my gan walked a=in and told me that my mammy had gone to be with the angels in heaven leaving me and my three year old sister with just a daddy. I remember thinking from that day on that I didnt like god why did he have to take my mammy??? But being older now i realise it was proberly much better for her. Truth is I only ever remember her battling the cancer not even being able to walk or talk towards the end or having any hair when it had gotten to her brain as i now know. But when your six you need your mammy.
School was hard especially around mothers day when the primary school i went to insisted on me making a card when i had no mammy to give it to and that was just the start, Growing up with my grandparents with my father living next door it was hard. I was bullied throughout my school years because of this. The hand me down clothes we used to get from family i never minded but other children can be so cruel. I found it difficault to talk to my gran about things she was so much older and though the times changed from when my mother was small we were brought up with the same rules which again made us different from other kids. I remember i was 14 when i had my first pair of jeans as they werent for girls and i wasnt allowed them i had to save the little pocket money i had and buy them myself. Silly little things i know.
It was even harder when i had my first son, especially as he was a special care baby. I was never sure if i was cut out to be a mam when i hadnt really had one myself . Every mothersday was a struggle for me thinking of what you had missed out on with me and my sister and every year i see my sons grow that year older i am so happy to still be here with them knowing i am lucky enough to have that. I try so hard to give them everything i know you would of given us love, time, attention and try to make them as good and polite as i possibly can . I just really wish you were here with us to see this and i hope that where ever you are i am making you proud love you mam xxxxx
