It's a boy!

In case you haven't heard....we are having another baby!!! I am 21 weeks along and we are having a BOY- due June 19th. Of course we could not be more excited and nervous at the same time. My doctor has assured me several times that she does not feel my past pregnancy troubles are related in any way and that I should be able to have a normal pregnancy-and so far, so good!! I am determined to be "ready" for this baby this time so we are already making progress on the nursery- painting done, bedding ordered...and the nesting is in full swing! I have lots of pictures to post of our recent trip down to San Diego, Ella's room makeover and I probably should get a prego belly shot on the record! Will do asap!

November 7th- well 8th now!

I am sooo overdue for a post. I am sorry that for the last so many weeks you have only have a sad post about Grief to read. I want to tell you all that I am doing really well!! We have been so busy that I truly have a ton to update about. But first, I wanted to tell you that I got several text and phone calls last Thursday from friends just "checking in" because they were thinking about me. It was so nice!! I don't know if it was just random, because I have wonderful friends, or because they remembered that Nov. 4th would have been my due date for Leah...with way I really appreciated it!! It was a wonderful blessing to me when I was laying in bed about 11:45 pm and only then remembered what that day could have meant for our family had things been different. I guess I need to explain that carefully. I feel totally blessed because I know that Nov 4th could have been very difficult on so many levels. Instead I wasn't even sad. I didn't even remember. For me, I think this was so very healthy. I really know that the Lord has a wonderful way of healing our hearts, giving us hope, and helping us move forward. I have a dear friend that lost a baby a little over a month after we did. Her due date was last week, and I know it was a hard week for her. To her I say that it takes time. There is no time line for going through these difficult life experiences. Be patient with yourself!
Of course, I hardly go a day with out thinking about our little baby Leah- but I don't feel so sad anymore. I feel a great longing and definite anticipation for the day we will get to be with her again...but that just gives us something wonderful to look forward to- right? I am grateful that pain has been replaced by understanding and peace! Maybe our trip to Hawaii last week also helped heal my mind !! I think that could of very well had something to do with it!

Here are tonight's random midnight rantings:

Something new to add to my love/hate list: naps!! I love naps. I can't wait for mine
and Ella's nap time everyday. But I am totally developing a vicious cycle- nap in the afternoon = can't sleep at night = incoherent, unedited posts on this poor little blog of mine. I have to do something about this!

Also: I have a plea to anyone out there that: A. loves me enough to spoil me with something or B. feels like they have some un-returned (is that even a word?) favor they owe me... if there is anyone out there?
PLEASE GIVE ME A CUTE BLOG!! I don't need anything fancy therefore I am way too cheap to pay one of those blog design people. I just need something new bedsides this empty abyss of black. Some of you remember when I tried to change my blog layout last time and only ended up erasing all the important stuff...so you know I am not requesting this out of laziness but only because I'm totally worthless at this "techy" stuff!! The only request that I have is that the posting space can be wider- instead of one long column I want to be able to fit more that 6 words on a line- I just can't figure out how to do it. Please, please, please!! Anyone?

Trickster

Grief is a tricky little thing. It has got the best of me at the moment, so, like I have very wisely been advised to, I am letting it work me over a bit. Writing a post that will most likely never be published usually helps (it has proven helpful so many times over the past two months) so I will write this one now.

I have an interesting relationship with my own mind. This is a conversation that I have had somewhat frequently with myself since we lost our baby Leah.

"I feel so sad"

"Well, you should get over it, because this isn't that bad, there are lots of people who have harder things going on in their lives"

"But, I feel so sad"

"Well, you shouldn't be that sad. You should recognize all the tender mercies that have wrapped this entire experience into something you can actually feel peace and comfort about"

"I do, But, I still feel sad sometimes. Sometimes the disappointment, sorrow, regret, longing...actually physically hurts. My heart really, actually feels pain...it aches, and sometimes tears come from out of nowhere.

"Well, that's makes you normal. Life will be full of disappointments. The most important thing to remember is that no matter what happens, no matter how disappointed you might feel in life, no matter what, the church is true. And Sorrow is an important part of life too- How else can we learn to rely on the Savior? How better to understand the Atonement? How else would we learn empathy for others? Regret? Now that is just plain stupid. You did everything you could to give your baby the best chance possible. You wrote doctors all over Washington about possible treatments, you prayed with every ounce of faith you had, you stayed in bed for 6 full weeks, only allowing 5 min showers twice/week, drinking insane amounts of water...You did everything you could. Longing? Of course you long for your baby. But this is only temporary. The promises are there if the covenants are kept. Just be patient...its really not that far away.

"I know, but it still hurts, and sometimes I still want to cry"

"Then cry. Cry as much as you need to- there is nothing wrong with that. No one will judge you for that. No one expects you to be so strong that you don't hurt sometimes. No one will think you're overly emotional if you still have hard moments only two months after you buried your baby. Its ok- cry. Sob if you have to. Just try not to cry in front of your 2 year old- she doesn't really get it, and then she makes a big mess in the bathroom trying to tear off tiny pieces of toilet paper with which she makes you blow your nose"

I have sometimes found this ridiculously logic part of my mind quite annoying. Why can't I just let myself be an emotional wreck sometimes, without talking myself out of it. But I am learning to embrace my logical, "good head on my shoulders" self. I know it gets me through tough times and out of dumb fights with my husband (fights that my emotional self tries to start for no reason, but my logical self doesn't allow)
It is a blessing. It makes me who I am. Sometimes it makes me not quite as empathetic as I one day hope to become...but finding that balance is a process. As is this grief thing. I am working through it. I am actually doing really well. Its funny that I get frustrated with myself when I can't sleep because I feel sad. It doesn't happen very much anymore, but its like I feel like I should be over everything. I don't think this means I am "moving on" or forgetting Leah. In fact, I know it doesn't. It simply means I am "moving forward." That truly is what this life is about.

A good friend recently told me that she was reading about the Savior. In her study she learned that after Jesus Christ atoned for the sins of the world and died on the cross He didn't go on vacation or take a break from His life. He continued working-teaching the people. He moved forward and continued on. I will never be asked to endure what the Savior endured. But, I know difficult times will come. They have, and they will. I am asked to remain faithful and to keep going. To keep trying- trying to serve, trying to obey, trying to teach Ella, trying to be a good wife and a good friend to those around me. Trying to be like the Savior. I can do that.

Again, another successfully therapeutic post written in the middle of the night.
I am tired now, but I will post some of the fun things we have done since I was allowed to get off the couch (looking on the bright side of that).

Leah Ann

I haven't been ready to post an update since that last post which is now already a month old. The last month has been a roller coaster ride. My fluid after that last post continued to go down until there was none left, and it was determined that I had ruptured my membranes at 18 weeks. Basically, my water broke- just 22 weeks too early. There is no treatment for this besides trying to stay well hydrated and stay in bed. So that's what I have been doing for the last 6 weeks, knowing that it could very well not make any difference, but still determined to do everything I could do give our little baby girl a chance.

Monday night I wasn't feeling well- and didn't sleep well through the night. About 4:30 Tuesday morning I started having contractions. Although I didn't go through labor with Ella because she was born via c-section, I knew that contractions 5 minutes apart meant I needed to be seen right away. I was admitted to Sacred Heart Hospital Labor and Delivery at 7am- already 3 cm dilated. My blood tests showed an elevated white count which meant I was getting, or already had an infection (one of the major risks of having ruptured membranes for so long). The baby's heart was beating, but with some signs of distress. Because of the infection there was no option but to let nature take its course and let the labor progress.

Leah Ann was born at 5:18pm on July 6th, 2010 at 22 weeks +5 days gestation. She weighed 1 lb 6oz and was 10 3/4 inches long. We could see her little heart beating, but she did not open her eyes or take any breaths. She was very peaceful and we know this was Heavenly Father's plan for her.

We were able to spend some precious time with Leah and we feel peace. We are very grateful for her life, and for her sweet little Spirit.

I have not been very public about my emotions through this pregnancy- in fact, many friends did not even know that we were expecting. Some of this I thought would just come with time-(unfortunately, something we did not have much of). It was very difficult to go into the ultrasound where we were excited to find out what we were having, and leave with the sick feeling that there was a very real chance our baby would not live. The last 6 weeks have been the most difficult weeks of my life.

I can not deny the tender mercies we have been shown, the love that we have felt and the strength of God that has been so abundantly available to us through all of this. There is nothing easy about this, but it is easier for us right now because we know without any doubt that God has been acutely aware of us through everyday of this pregnancy. He has heard our prayers, and the prayers of our dear family and friends- and I feel so strongly that I know our prayers have been answered- although differently than how we had hoped.

I don't know what the days ahead will hold for us as far as our emotions go, but I do know that We feel peace. We feel gratitude. We feel SO very loved, by so many people in our lives - Family, friends, co-workers and especially by our Heavenly Father. We will get through this. Thank you for your prayers, your phone calls- even if I don't answer them I save your messages and have listened to them many times. Thank you for your emails and texts. We feel your love and support and please know that we appreciate you.

I think I am at a very comfortable spot with the amount of readers this blog has- Very few...thereby allowing me to write whatever I want with out worrying too much about the consequences of publicly posting my deepest insecurities, which I seem to do anyway. Its just that I can't seem to write in a formal journal and a simple word document doesn't seem formal enough so this will have to do for now- come what may out of my mouth.

I am scared. I went to my doctor last week for another "what is going on" appointment. They did an ultrasound, some blood work and yet another "speculum special" exam (she must think I am used to these by now cause she only gets 1 star on the gentle scale this week). This is what they found out:
1. Baby is growing well and still has a strong, healthy heartbeat.
2. They still can't see a cause for the bleeding
3. I am anemic from the bleeding (its always nice to have an extra excuse for feeling tired- Now I can say that its truly not just because I'm a lazy pregnant women ;)
4. My amniotic fluid is on the low end of normal.

#1 = Great news! Plus, I forgot to mention that we found out we are having another girl!! We are so excited, and Jared is especially glad we don't have to buy a bunch of new stuff ;)

#2 = They are sending me to a specialist. There is a real name for this person, but I can't remember how to spell it and don't want to look it up- perinatologist?? Hopefully they will be able to figure this out.

#3 = Simple- take iron and then add lots of fiber (fiber is imperative when taking iron supplements)

#4 = The part I am really scared about. By "on the low end of normal" I mean 7. The only thing I need to know about this is that I was at a 7 on this scale with Ella at 34 wks when they sent me home on bedrest, told me to drink lots of gatorade and then ended up delivering her urgently via c-section 3 days later because the 7 did not improve

Low fluid at 18 weeks is an even scarier thing than it is at 34 weeks. Of course, I googled it-- bad idea when you have all day to lay around and think about the possible outcomes. My doctor is concerned about a few things: ruptured membranes, leaking fluid, or that my placenta is not attached correctly, which would also explain the bleeding. None of those are very hopeful situations.

I'm scared. I am really really trying to just put it all in the Lord's hands and have faith + do everything I have any control over, which right now means doing nothing (literally laying in bed all day) and drinking lots of gatorade. Honestly, my weak confession is that I feel like I am just laying around waiting to be run over by a truck. Like, I am just prolonging the inevitable. As I say that it makes me question my faith. Even Elder Oaks said in his recent conference talk that 8 out of 10 Americans still believe miracle happen. I definitely believe in miracles, but how can you be filled with so much fear and anxiety when you claim to have faith? The two totally contradict each other. I think I do have faith. I have faith in the fact that the Lord has the absolute ability to make this all work out, and come November, a new, healthy, little girl will come right home with us just 24 hours after an uncomplicated VBAC delivery. I know He CAN make that happen. I guess my fear comes in when I realize that this might not be His will. I got permission from my doctor to go to church today because there were some special things happening. (I will write about those later). In the closing hymn there was a line that read, "Give me the courage to do Thy will" I can not tell you how much those few words have resonated with me all day. Of course, that is where the truest test of faith comes. It is easy to have faith through a trial that works out the way I want it to. But, what about a trial that doesn't?

OK- so even as I am writing this I keep thinking, "Hard things happen to people- even harder things than bedrest....or miscarriage....or....let's not go down this road anymore" But hard things do happen- and it seems like strong people handle these hard things with grace and dignity. Without complaint, without doubt--full of faith. I just worry that I'm not one of those people yet.

About two years ago I read the blog of someone I had never met, or even heard of before (talk about blog stalking). I came across it through a mutual friend's blog. This lady had lost her 18 month old daughter in a drowning accident and wrote very openly about this tragedy and her grieving process. I cried, literally, each night for over 2 weeks thinking about her loss- and then Jared told me I really shouldn't read her blog anymore as he was concerned about the amount of stress it was causing me. (He also told me I shouldn't watch the news anymore after he came home once I was sitting on the couch in front of the evening news crying). I truly felt as if I had lost a tiny piece of my own heart for this lady that I didn't even know. I was so sad that I wasn't sure I could handle it, and it wasn't even my trial to handle. If I can hardly handle other people's trials, how will I be able to handle one of my own? Of course I have had some hard things happen- but they all seem deal-able...is that a word? I think its "bearable" I should be using. Trials that are hard for "a minute" or "a month" but then they've worked out and I move on. How do you know if you have enough faith for, or rather when, the really hard things come?

Writing this post, as usual, has been very therapeutic. For now, I have concluded that I don't have to, and won't even be able to figure this out tonight. I will just have to wait, with faith, and find out what the Lord's will is for me and this baby. I think its ok to cry and to worry- and even to tell some of the women in my ward about it, and even to call my whole family and ask them to fast for me. This is not a sign of weakness although I never tell people in my ward things like this, because I don't like to broadcast my problems or concerns out there. But at this point I am willing to ask to for all the prayers I can get. After all, that is part of the do all I can do part, right?

Feb.- May

Pathetic!! That's all I have to say about my lazy/lack of postings. And now I'm supposed to cover Feb-May?? It's not like I don't have the time though... Actually, for now at least, it appears that I have nothing BUT time. I'm on day 5 of bed rest and I'm going crazy already! (So is the two year old that is now running this house). Bed rest is usually prescribed to the following types of people: 1. people recovering from surgery, 2. people doing long term medical fasts (i read about this once...I mean, you really wouldn't have the energy to do anything but lay around if you hadn't eaten in 3 months) and 3. pregnant women. (I can't think of any other reasons to be on bedrest...did I miss any?)

I happen to fall into the third category!! Woo hoo!! I've been keeping it pretty quite because I started having some little troubles from the very beginning and wanted to at least get into the so called "safe" or at least "safer" zone. Even though that "safer" zone doesn't seem to exist for me this time around. SO- I am at 17 weeks and I am ready to shout it from the mountain tops! We find out what we are having in less than 2 weeks and I'm so excited! I really feel like we are having a boy this time. Mostly because I've heard that boys are harder in the beginning- as they are much more naughty... let's just say this baby is getting a head start on the naughty part :) My prayers these days mostly consist of the following things:
1. a healthy baby
2. not having 23 weeks of bed rest, but I'll of course do whatever it takes to have a
3. healthy baby
4. a patient husband
5. a patient 2 year old

It has been raining outside the last 3 days so I don't feel too bad in at least knowing that ella isn't missing out on outside time because her lame mom is just sitting on her bum all day!
It's not like the little girl hasn't been having soooo much fun the last couple months anyway. Here are a few of the fun things we have been busy doing- thereby making me too busy to blog ;)

...Hours of bedrest later, I attempted to add pictures- because that what my posterity will really care to see years from now, right? But, it seems there is some error (most likely user error)
So I will have to try again later.

In the meantime- here are a few things to add pictures of later:
Ella's 2nd birthday!
Easter Dress!
Trip to Silver Mountain Indoor Water Park (an every winter must from now on)
Trip to San Diego including: Stephen's wedding, the Zoo, the beach, and Disneyland
A few random pictures from around here
Just one pregnancy photo (that will motivate me to actually take one!!

Just your average 11pm "can't sleep" random rantings

Today I found Ella with her diaper off, trying to sit on a 2 inch, pink plastic, dollhouse toilet with a wet wipe in her hand. The image is priceless.
This made me realize 2 things:
1. Its time to to start buying some potty training books and figure this stuff out, and
2. My little baby is not so little anymore. Although she is only two she totally qualifies as a "little girl" complete with dramatic meltdowns, (also due to being in that terrible 2 window) and habitual clothing changes throughout the day. I'm talking 6-7 pairs of pants and hour. Then I put them all away and the process starts over. By the end of the day I find pants, shoes, socks and shirts that she has unsuccessfully tried to make work as pants all over the house.

2 weeks ago I posted about my love/hate relationship with being a stay at home mom (among other love/hate relationships..to be followed up on later). I really read and took to heart some of the great advice left as comments (thank you!) and I realized that I am not alone in feeling inadequate or just plain unsuccessful at motherhood sometimes. Every good mother has days when she feels like she is not doing a good job. I am now convinced that mothers that don't think they have bad days are the ones who are just too busy worrying about how good they look or how clean their house is to notice all of the things they are doing wrong in the mothering department. (now, is that just a poor attempt at justifying my messy house and poor bathing habits)?? Really?

Since Ella is almost 2 (March 11th) of course I often get the "so, is it time for #2 yet?" question. My Favorite thing to do right now is wear "just to keep them guessing outfits" to church and work. You know the bagging around the waste, baby doll or wrap around types. So fun! Of course we are thinking about it...and even more than thinking about it, but sometimes these things don't follow a perfect little schedule of events...so in the mean time....I might as well give people something to talk about right?!!

I was talking to my dad tonight. I love talking to my dad. He always has such wise advice for me, mingled with compliments and encouragement that only a dad can put just right. Tonight though, he said something that keeps repeating in my mind. Because so many of us kids will probably end up living far away from sunny SD, he said that he hopes that all of his children will always be able to come home for a siblings wedding and for funerals. How strange to think of those two events in the same sentence. I'm sure he was referring to any family funeral (not necessarily one of my own siblings funerals, as that would be too awful to even talk about). But the way it sounded just made me...shiver.

If I were to totally simplify the progression of life as I understand it, it would include the following steps. We are born, grow up, get married, have children, die. I'm talking really simplify it, of course. I know, and understand that because we are born, we must also die, but I'm not ready to think about or deal with death any more than I have already had to thus far. My uncle Ben died about 5 years ago at the age of 30.
My brother Matt just turned 30.
In two years (2 very quick years) I will be 30. I find it to be a very sobering thought. One that I am not going to think about anymore tonight.

I should post some pictures. Pictures are way more fun than random rantings at 11 pm.Someone at work asked if this was a picture of Ella and my husband. Props to you dad for looking so good for your age ;)
Latest family pictures. I feel like those fake black beads make me look "mature"--as in old. I busted out my old jack purcels after we got these pictures back...and I did smokey eyes and ponytails for a whole week. Smokey eyes and ponytails make me feel young for some reason. Not that 28 is old....because it is not, of course, old....but I didn't like feeling old.

My sister n law is scheduled to have a c-section on March 5th. She is having twins. How exciting! How totally terrifying!! I am already marking my calendar with lots of hours of helping time for her and babysitting times for the 3 year old brother of these soon to be babies. But, although I plan to do many, many good deeds and to love my soon to be new niece and nephew as much as any good aunt does....I am secretly mad that their birthdays will fall just one week before Ella's. Her 3 year old's bday also falls just 3 weeks before ella's.
Will Ella's birthday always be in the shadow of her cousins?? Will everyone be all birthday partied out when March 11th finally comes around? Am I destined to a life of trying to one-up the Butner twins big birthday celebrations?

Oh the things to worry about when you only have one child to worry about. A few years, and hopefully a few kids from now, I will probably not care at all...and will only be concerned with whether or not I even remembered my first born's birthday at all. I, myself, am only just the second born in my family of 8 children and I remember many good years of making my own birthday cakes. Ha! poor, poor me. I made up for it though, with the big "sweet 16" bash I planned for myself. Complete with a live band and a bounce house....wait, I think I had a bounce house....but its kind of foggy....maybe I didn't after all. I definitely had a live band though.
Can anyone confirm the bounce house?

It is officially time to end this midnight posting. Hopefully, very few people have lost valuable life minutes actually reading this.