Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter

Four score and seven
Days ago, my wife brought forth
a new DVD

Honest Abe, it seems,
Was obsessed with killing vamps
With a silver ax

Monsters, bloodsuckers,
Civil War and slavery;
In the end, Abe wins

He reconnects states
Gets revenge for his dead mum.
Then heads off to Fords

The Odd Life Of Timothy Green

Dear Wayne LaPierre:

Perhaps I should have written this open letter to the President of the National Rifle Association, David Keene. But presidents seem to come and go at the NRA; you, as Executive Vice President, seem a pretty consistent face in the organization. So, this open letter is addressed to you.

My children and I enjoy movies. We watch a lot of them together at home, but we really enjoy the experience of a theater. The big screen, digital audio, the smell of popcorn, sharing the experience with a large community of people -- that's what going to the movies is all about. On this rainy Labor Day we decided going to the movies sounded better than sitting around bored at home, so we headed downtown for a matinee of The Odd Life of Timothy Green. It was while standing in life for the tickets that it happened.

"I'm nervous, Daddy." My 11-year-old daughter's comment was so outside the norm for the context -- we were, after all, standing in line for a PG-rated flick -- that it didn't register clearly at first with me.

"What," I asked, focused on finding my wallet so I could pay for the tickets.

"I'm scared. I'm so scared I'm shaking."

I signed the receipt at the window, then pulled her to the side so we could talk. "I don't understand, what is making you feel scared?"

"You, know," and she paused, and looked at the ground . . . "What happened in Colorado at the Batman movie. Do you think that could happen here? Today? To us?"

I realized this was the first time she's been inside a movie theater since that tragic July shooting at the Colorado opening of The Dark Knight Rises. She was scared. I grabbed her and held her close, and reassured her.

"No, honey, it couldn't happen here. And always remember: if something bad like that happens, I'll always protect you." But even as I said those words I knew they weren't true. It can happen anywhere, at any time. It's happened once, and it will happen again. And when it does, people will be helpless to protect themselves.

The NRA, Mr. LaPierre, spends obscene amounts of money lobbying members of congress and other politicians to ensure the interests of the organization are looked after when gun legislation is created. The NRA spent nearly $7 million dollars on elections during the last mid-term, and about $75 million on campaigns during the last two decades. That kind of money buys a lot of favor in D.C., Mr. LaPierre, and influences a lot of votes when it comes to decisions made about gun control.

I'm curious: In a culture that is no longer shocked by nearly 9,000 gun murders each year, and in a society not disturbed for more than a 48 hour news cycle about public shootings that occur in malls, at the workplace, in movie theaters, and at schools, I ask -- Who lobbies for the safety and psychological comfort of my daughter? The rights of American citizens to purchase guns does not supersede the right of my 11-year-old to feel safe -- and be safe -- as she travels about in her home community.

Sure, I know the NRA will continue lobby for broad access to firearms, and it will continue to point the finger of blame at individual criminals who use guns to commit horrific crimes. Many in the American public will continue to blend the Second Amendment with Jesus, and talk about this insane concept called God-given rights.

In the meantime, I'll hold my daughter's hand a little tighter, and tell her more lies about how safe she is on our public streets.

The Dark Knight Rises

I wish he hadn't.

I would rather Nolan's Batman ran wounded into the night after defeating The Joker and Harvey Dent -- never to be seen again --  than end a brilliant superhero series this way. Hell, I would have preferred seeing Bruce Wayne die in The Dark Knight rather than be involved in this piece of shit movie.

Motherfucking Hollywood ruined what should have been a great trilogy.

This isn't the rant of a fanboy gone bad. (Although the morphing of DC characters Dick Grayson and Tim Drake into John Blake, an as-yet-unheard-of character created for the flick, should piss off everyone who loves Batman comics.) Nope, this rant is based on one simple fact: The Dark Knight Rises is a really bad movie.

The movie is bloated with unnecessary imagery, cliched dialogue, and plot twists that are predictable and poorly explained. Why must Bruce Wayne use a cane to walk? Why does he have no cartilage in his knee, if he hasn't suited up as Batman since fighting Dent eight years earlier? Nolan may know, but he doesn't tell the audience. Instead, the director uses the film to reflect on the two previous installments; the technique doesn't advance the movie, it causes the movie to drag.

Roger Ebert and others have commented that the second half of The Dark Knight Rises is superb. And I agree, to some extent. Still, the conclusion is wrapped up too neatly, and the multiple plots are resolved in too hurried a fashion.

But, the real reason I didn't care for the second half?

The god damned first half put me to sleep.

Ted

Ted gives us a peek

At life in the Griffin home

When Chris turns forty

Peter -- dressed as Ted

For some unexplained reason --

Gets laughs from fart jokes

Funny for a while,

Ted shows why Family Guy rocks.

It's 20 mins. long

The Amazing Spider-Man

Sure, this isn't Stan Lee's Peter Parker. And this red-and-blue arachnid is more Electric Company-Spidey than Brooding-Tobey-Maguire-Spidey. But the movie is entertaining, and worth a trip to the theater.

Here is MyTop 5 Reasons to watch The Amazing Spider-Man:

1. It's Time To Get A Real Life: As a comic book nerd, you've become sheltered, isolated, and you've developed a very narrow perspective on what's acceptable with the characters you love. I get it, man. I dig comics myself. But the most serious among us are like those snobby wine tasting freaks who sniff the goddamn cork and spit the first sip out before choosing a wine. Fuck that noise! Sometimes it's fun to buy some Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill at the local convenience store, screw the cap off, and just drink every drop from the bottle. Comic book movies are no different. The plot doesn't have to be perfectly in sync with the comic. Get a box of Goobers and a large soda, lean back in the theater chair, and enjoy a show once in a while

2. The Black Cat Rocks!: Emma Stone, who plays Gwen Stacy, should be in every scene. For two reasons: (a) Stone's acting is terrific, and she steals the film, and (b) the boots, high-socks and mini-skirt look she seems to wear throughout. (And those reasons are in no particular order.)

3. Legendary Actors: The crush I've had on Sally Field started during her Flying Nun days (I can't remember Gidget), then really kicked into gear with her sexy role in Smokey And The Bandit. She's still cute, and as Aunt May she now looks cute and wise. Field is terrific in the movie, and gives a meaty performance as the grieving widow perplexed about her nephew's unusual behavior.
(Oh yeah   . . Martin Sheen as Uncle Ben was very good, too.)

4. Avengers Assemble!: This reboot is really a way to get the character into the current Marvel-film universe, and tie him into The Avengers. Period. That would have been difficult to do with the Maguire's Spidey, considering Maguire's age and the isolated narrative of those three films. Andrew Garfield is fine as Spider-Man, and excellent as teen Peter Parker. And he'll be great in the Avenger's sequel, I'm sure.

5. Web-Shooters! I was giddy when I realized in this movie Peter Parker would (as intended!) invent the webshooters used to spin and direct his webs. I hated the story-line from the other three flicks that had webs coming from Spider-Man's wrists. Hated it! One of the coolest things about the early days of Spider-Man comics was the scientific genius of Parker. When I saw the idea teased early in the movie (a scene where Parker locks his bedroom door with a wireless remote) I hoped the web shooters would re-appear. When they did, I smiled from satisfaction.

(Note to self: Grab another Boone's Farm and re-read My Top 5 Reasons #1.)

Magic Mike

Shortest review of all time, from Mrs. Film Geek: " Too much movie, not enough dancing."

Paranormal Activity 3

It's easy to dismiss the Paranormal Activity series as trite. The payoff of these flicks are the quick jump-in-your-seat that comes from images that suddenly appear in full frame, or the subtle movements noticed in the periphery. It makes sense that after three films this technique should feel tired.

Whatever. I peed my pants from fear while watching this movie. Twice.

Paranormal Activity 3, the prequel of the prequel that was Paranormal Activity 2, confirms suspicions about Katie and Kristi and their family . . . and introduces us to Toby.

I gotta go to the bathroom!

Barney's Version

Two things are bound to happen during a viewing of Barney's Version. First, be prepared to experience the Danny Gut.  It's gonna happen, so embrace it. The feeling will subside. Second, and perhaps the longest-lasting reaction, is the introspective accounting you will undergo regarding your own life.

Have you taken the necessary risks in life to fulfill your dreams? Hurt people along the way? Have impulsive and brash behavior cost you dearly?

They did Barney.

As the title character, Paul Giamatti proves again why he is perhaps the best actor working today. He meets a lifetime of existential dilemmas head-on and raw, and refuses to live his life for other people. It costs him,  but he sees the price worth paying in order to live in the moment. Barney is at once selfish and endearing, giving and hateful. He's complicated.

And he's real.

Barney's Version will entertain you. But more than that, it will make you think. Watching it was worth the Danny Gut.

Captain America: The First Avenger

Most often, I've been bored by the character of Captain America. I've never been a fan of naive patriotism, or of a system of values based simply on tradition. Those perspectives are short-sighted;  they feel good in the moment, but they don't advance society very far. At least that's my opinion.

But it's not the opinion of Cap. He lives, breaths, and sleeps Uh-merica.

I entered the theater expecting to see much of the same: a spandex-clad capitalist preaching the virtues of democracy. Instead, I was treated to a well-made action flick with a tight plot, terrific special effects, and top tier acting.

It wasn't the masterpiece that was Iron Man. But it was close. Very, very close.

Superheroes

HBO helps break comic book-like characters through the 4th wall and into our living rooms with it's recently released Superheroes. The result of the story is both inspiring and sad.

Many young kids, boys especially, tie a towl around their necks and pretend to be a super-powered fighter of crime. And many of those kids grow up to actually fight crime -- as police officers, lawyers, and first responders to emergencies. The pretend-cape gets put away about the time we start liking girls.

Chicks dig men in uniform. They mock those of us who still wear a Batman T-shirt.

Those profiled in Superheroes, however, took off the fake cape to put on a real one. Mr. Xtreme, Master Legend, Lucid, and members of Team Justice take the Neighborhood Watch concept to new heights by putting on tights and buckeling up a utility belt before patrolling streets after dusk.


It's funny because it's real.

But it's also sad. Watch the documentary closely and you'll find a gaggle of folks most likely challenged with living a typical lifestyle: people with what appear to be personality disorders, potential alcoholics, and aggressive types itching for a fight. Perhaps their efforts are simply a colorful, interesting mask placed on real dysfunction.

Many of those interviewed in Superheroes reported being inspired by the story of Kitty Genovese, the New York woman murdered in public during the mid-60s as neighbors went about their business and refused to get involved. Genovese is a legitimate martyr for their cause, as the apathy that aided her murder is an epidemic in today's society. The heroes serve the cause best, however, when they band together to feed the homeless, and inspire children to be better people. In these non-violent roles they can truly be heroes and benefit their communities.

Even while wearing tights.