What a Mess

I didn't write this but I want it here because it sums up so much of what would take forever to write about!

Dear Diary 2020 Edition,

In ❄️ January, 🔥 Australia caught on fire. I don’t even know if that fire was put out, because we straight up almost went to war with Iran 🇮🇷 . We might actually still be almost at war with them 🤔. I don’t know, because 👩 Jen Aniston and 👨🏻 Brad Pitt spoke to one another at an awards 🏆 show and everyone flipped the crap out 😲, but then there was this thing happening in 🦇 🇨🇳 China, then 👑 Prince Harry and Megan ✌🏼 peaced out of the Royal family, and there was the whole impeachment trial 👩‍⚖️ , and then corona virus 🦠 showed up in the US ✔️“officially,” but then 🏀 Kobe died 😭and UK 🇬🇧 peaced out of the European Union.

In February, 🌽 Iowa crapped 💩 itself with the caucus results and the president was acquitted and the 👩🏼‍💼Speaker of the House took ten. Whole. years. to rip up a speech , but then The👨‍🔬 🌎WHO decided to give this virus a name COVID-19, which confused 🤔some really important people 👔 in charge of, like, our lives, into thinking there were 18 other versions before it, but then Harvey Weinstein was found guilty👨🏻‍⚖️, and 🇺🇸 Americans started asking if Corona beer 🍺 was safe to drink🤦🏻‍♀️, and everyone on Facebook became a doctor 👨‍⚕️ who just knew the 🤒flu like killed way more people than COVID 1 through 18.

In March, stuff hit the fan👿. Warren dropped out of the presidential race and Sanders was like Bernie or bust 💥, but then Italy 🇮🇹 shut its whole country down 🚷, and then COVID Not 1 through 18 officially become what everyone already realized, a 😱pandemic and then a nationwide state of emergency 🆘was declared in US 🇺🇸 , but it didn’t really change anything, so everyone was confused or thought it was still just a flu 💁🏻‍♀️, but then COVID Not 18 was like ya’ll not taking me seriously? 💡 I’m gonna infect the one celebrity everyone loves and totally infected Tom Hanks👨🏻, get y’all to close all of the schools so y’all can 🙏🏼 appreciate teachers 👩‍🏫 for once (because you can’t teach them anything other than how to use a touch screen🤦🏻‍♀️ ) close down all of salons so you can’t get your 💇‍♂️ hair or your nails done💅 , everyone had to work from home and attend Zoom meetings in their underwear. The 📉 DOW took a crap 💩 on itself, and most of us still don’t understand why the stock market is so important or even a thing 🤔 (I still don’t), We were then all introduced to 🐅 Tiger King and the ONE thing we can all agree on this year , 👍🏼Carol totally killed her husband⚰️ ..... whacked him! And then Netflix was like you’re welcome, and we all realized there was no way we were washing our hands enough in the first place because all of our hands are now dry and gross and were all searching for lotion now.

In 🌧 April, Bernie finally busted✌🏼 himself out of the presidential race 🏃 , but then NYC 🗽became the set of The Walking Dead 💀 and we learned that no one has face masks 😷, ventilators, or toilet paper, or THE FREAKING SWIFFER WET JET LIQUID , and by now our 🦁outgrowth is showing, so there’s a shortage on 📦 box hair dye and all of our hair dressers are like , 😱 NO DONT DO IT!!! But, then Kim Jong-Un died, but then he came back to life … or did he? Who knows, because then the Pentagon released 🎥 videos of UFOs and nobody cared, and we were like man, it’s only April….

In 💐 May, the biblical end times kicked off , historical locust swarms, we learned of murder hornets 🐝 and realized that 2020 was the start of the Hunger Games🙈 however people forgot to let us know. people legit started to protest lockdown measures with 🔫 AR-15s, 🏀⚾️sports events were cancelled everywhere. But then people all over America finally reached a breaking point with race issues and violence. There were 🗣protests in every city🌃 ,which was confusing to some of us because people were definitely gathering in 👫crowds of more than 🖐🏼🤚🏼10 and for sure closer than 6 foot away ⬅️➡️from each other . Those people must have forgotten about the 😖pandemic called COVID Not One Through 18. Media 📺 🗞 struggled with how to 🤬focus on two important things at once, people in general struggle to focus on more than one important thing. A dead whale 🐋 was found in the middle of the Amazon rain forest 🌳 after monkeys 🐒 stole COVID 1 Through 19 from a lab 🔬 and ran off with them, and either in May or April (no one is keeping track of time now) that a giant asteroid ☄️ narrowly missed the Earth🌍.

In ☀️ June, science and common sense just got thrown 🤾🏼 straight out the window and somehow 😷 wearing masks became a 🏛political thing, but then everyone sort of remembered there was a pandemic, but then decided that not wearing a mask was somehow a ✝️God given right (still haven't found that part in the bible or even in the constitution). then 👨‍🔬scientists announced they found a mysterious undiscovered mass at the center of the earth, and everyone was like 🙅🏽‍♂️🙅🏻‍♀️🚧DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH IT, but then everyone took a pause to realize that people actually believed Gone With The Wind 💨 was like non-fiction, but then it was also announced that there is a strange 🛰radio signal coming from somewhere in the universe 🌌 that repeats itself every so many days 🗓 , and everyone was like 👽 DON’T YOU DARE ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE WITH IT‼️🚫 but then America reopened 🙌🏼from the shut down that actually wasn’t even a shut down, and so far, things have gone spectacularly .... not that great 👎🏼. All of the Karen’s came out at once, and people started tearing down 🔨 statues. Everyone is on Facebook arguing 🤼‍♀️ that masks kill because no one knows how breathing works 👃🏼, but then Florida 🏖 was like hold my beer 🍺 and let me show you how we’re number one 🥇 in all things, including new Not Corona Beer Coronavirus. Trump 👱🏻‍♂️decides now is a good time to ask the Supreme Court 🏛 to shut down ❌Obama Care because what better time to do so than in the middle of a pandemic 💁🏻‍♀️ , but then we learned there was a massive dust cloud ☁️ coming straight at us 📍from the Sahara Desert 🐫 , which is totally normal, but this is 2020, so the 👻 ghost mummy thing is most likely in that dust cloud. We then 📚 learned of meth-gators 🐊 , and I'm like that is so not on my flipping 2020 Bingo card 😡 can we use it as the free space?? 🤷🏻 Then we learned that the Congo's worst ever Ebola 🚨 outbreak is over 😓, and we were all like, there was an Ebola outbreak that was the worse ever? 👀 ....... and don’t forget we just discovered FLYING SNAKES! 🐍, seriously! FLYING SNAKES!!!!

So here comes July…. at this point we are over it , just tell us what’s next .... 👽 Aliens? 🔱Zeus? ☄️ Asteroids? Artificial Intelligence becomes self aware? Can it just be something cool 😎 or fun for once? Maybe even a good laugh , like hahaha 😂 April Fools! We all actually wouldn’t mind that joke at this point.

Also, why didn't I know about the whale in the Amazon? Or a few other things because I just can’t keep up anymore!

But I’m sharing it because as long as we make it through 2020, I really want this to pop back up in the memories a few years from now.

Super Duper Excited

I have a new chapter to start and while I'm nervous and hesitant I'm also calm, sure, a little prideful, and excited. Before I tell you about my new chapter let me tell you a story....

The church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) released a new program awhile ago. As I was reading over the aspects of this new program I had the distinct impression I would be running that program soon for my Stake. The thought barreled me over, I guffawed at the incredulously of it and put it out if my mind. Shortly after I was speaking with two women who were over the old program and they told me they had both asked to make this their last year. Again the same feeling washes over me and again I guffaw, however, this time not only do I guffaw but I doubt I would be called to such a position. The thought plagues me off and on for awhile and I begin to get a little upset with myself because I know I could do it. Not only do I have the years of experience but I have the will and love and excitement to make it great. Satan is a sly old fox though and he knows just the things to say to me. He let's me know that my family is struggling and if I were to take on this task they would struggle that much more. (Mind you...I still haven't even had one inkling of an action as to anyone ACTUALLY  calling me to this!)

Well Satan's a jerk and time marches on but in the back of my mind I've already decided I could not possibly accept the calling that I have not yet been called to when they decide to actually call me to it. It plays with me though and I can't get this hope out of my heart that somehow it will work out for me to be called. I think that's a little of the pride saying, "How many years do I have to serve before I can show the world my talents under my own wing and not someone elses." Not trying to "aspire" to any calling and trying to remain humble because this calling would mean a LOT of work and a lot of prayer and a lot of everything that is me.

I need to add here before I go any further that I have learned at the feet of so many great women and men. It has been my honor and my pleasure with tears of worry and joy, stress and love to have these opportunities and people laid out before me to broaden my vision and let me grow. Each experience has been uniquely enriching and I am so blessed. 

Back to the story....It was the night before Girls Camp when I received a text asking me to meet with President Cude, a member of the Stake Presidency, the following Sunday. I would have to attend camp with the wonder on my mind all week! Except, there was no wonder because the Spirit had been preparing me for this for a few months already. I voiced my concerns to my bunkmate and friend Jessica. We would chat about this or that but it was all speculation.  Then Bishops night came and I found myself alone for a brief few minutes with him. He asked if I had been contacted by the Stake and I told him I had. I asked him to give me a hint of what it was concerning and he told me I probably could guess because he felt like I already knew. WHOA! I told him what I thought but then said, "They don't mean to call me to be the big one in charge though right? Surely it's just the committee I would be on?" He shook his head and said something about being on top.

Panic, heart racing, can't breathe!!! The rest of the night I raced between panic and doubt. I couldn't focus on anything and I had to let myself go a little numb. Late, late Friday night (Saturday morning) after the leaders had giggled and gossiped, Jessica and I headed to bed except I was still reeling from the previous hours. As I packed my things in an attempt to fast pace the going home process I told Jessica my every fear, flaw, concern, problem, estimated problem, over examined problem, with accepting this calling....THAT YES, I HADNT EVEN RECIEVED but was stressing over! At 2:30 a.m. every bit of advice seems mind blowing and hers was no exception she said something to the effect of, "Every reason you just gave me are the exact reasons you need to do this. You are more qualified and more prepared to handle any situation with compassion and love because of the things you've experienced in the last few years. The shortcomings you listed make you a strong contender for righteousness and understanding." Remember it was 2:30a.m. the last night of camp but this was the message I got out of what she was saying and what she said brought me to a standstill, forced me to sit down and then it all was too much and I cried. She told me to turn off the lights and go to bed because in the morning it would all make better sense.

Not so sure about anything ever making more sense Sunday came and I met with Pres. Cude. We talked and he said he needed to pray some more. A few weeks passed and in that time I dismissed all my previous feelings. I felt like enough time had passed that they decided on someone else and I was the better for that decision.

Pride is a funny thing. Twice before I've been set up to receive this calling and twice before situations changed and this calling didn't happen.  In truth, in truth I've wanted this calling. My Patriarchal Blessing talks of me serving in capacities such as this. No it doesn't say, "Cynthia you will serve as this and that" but for years I have been called to specific callings with the understanding that it is my predisposition and spiritual gifts being the reason I was needed there. Being twice prepared and twice not called left me feeling lacking. It also doesn't help when you do get called you feel prideful about finally being seen and finally being recognized, after all my "blessing says so"! 

Well if you haven't guessed by now I did get called back and was asked to be the Stake Camp Director. At first I was going to turn it down. My family does need everything I can give them and all I am. At this thought I was devastated. I was crying inside to finally be asked and have to turn it down. Finally I get my chance to show the Lord all the training and guidance I have been given and I need to say no. Then Pres. Cude gave me the biggest blessing ever when he said, "If I will serve, my family will be blessed." That statement was just the thing I needed to hear. No matter how many hours I give my family, no matter how much I am here for them, I cannot give them blessings from on high! I realized these were blessings my family needed and the only way to do that was to serve.

I mentioned pride in the beginning and a little before this. I am proud of the work I've done in all the years past where I've had the opportunity to go to camp. I'm proud to be the one called to start a new program which has the potential to train the young women, my own daughter included, to be leaders and mothers and righteous women. I know it's my pride that feels like I'm finally seen. I know I feel like I have earned this spot. With all of that said however, I am really honestly humbled by being chosen. I'm humbled to be given the responsibility to teach and nurture and mentor. I am humbled to have these sweet spirits maneuvered into my path and I PRAY I'm doing the right thing, in the Lord's way, as HE sees fit. I'm praying with every decision or thought of a decision that my choices are His and my actions reflect Him. I know I have some pride but I am slightly scared to death and that goes a long way to being humble. I know we aren't supposed to seek after callings and I don't really feel like I have done that but that doesn't mean I can't be super duper excited to have it because I am! I am the Stake Camp Director for the Louisville Stake in Kentucky and I am seriously, super excited!!!! 

A little (ok, overly long) thought on Camp and change and struggle

I can't believe it's been nearly a year since I posted anything, however, I can believe it.  It's been a long long long year. Emma who now goes by Eileen has been through two therapists, come out as Bisexual, attempted suicide, been kicked out of a clinical trial, returned to public school, and finally is taking a medication for depression/anxiety that seems to be effective...hopefully. Through all of this our family has been living sun up to sun set and it has been the hardest year of our lives. We are finally feeling like there is hope and light and maybe happiness. Our burdens seem, perhaps, just a little lighter.

The reason for this post is because I was encouraged to go through and clean out my Girls Camp folder to be stored away for further use for a possible later date. I've purposely avoided it, dreading the emotions it brings. The process was, however, bittersweet and has left me with a sense of finality but it's also left me with a longing to write these feelings down so let me begin two Septembers ago and I'll apologize now for the length...

After a confusing email and some clarification on who would be Stake Camp director I agreed to serve again as Assistant to the director but this time it was someone new.  This woman, Patti, was someone I had not had the greatest experience with in the past. I thought she had brushed me off  which led me to feel unaccepted. Later I was forced to swallow my pride and turn to her for help, which I thought made me look unprepared and inadequate as a camp director during my first year at Girls Camp in Louisville. The next year she was thrown into my path again but this time, me being recently called as a Stake assistant Director, I had to be kind and not hold a grudge and act as though there had never been a problem. Whether she remembered me or not she didn't act as though there was a problem and quickly I realized how amazing she was as a YCL leader and I learned my first impressions were incorrect. Upon receiving the news the new director would be her, I was excited to be asked to serve with her.

Right off she established a routine with myself and the other two assistants.  We starting meeting monthly and in those meetings it was made known of my skill and knowledge about camp.  She used those things and leaned on me for information and help even though she herself had many years of experience at camp as well.  It wasn't hard to learn to trust her. Her intuition and relationship with Heavenly Father was inspiring to me and I found it easy to feel of her spirit and warmth. She created an environment where the 4 of us could become friends who worked toward one goal. We were unified and made a good team.

I tell you this history because it leads into and looks back at my long long long year. Month after month starting in October I would drive half an hour out to Crestwood, meet with these lovely ladies, and plan for camp. We would laugh and cry and plan and sometimes our meeting would be waylaid by someone's personal problem. Things with Eileen had just started to get really bad and I wasn't handling my emotions well. On one occasion I blubbered all the way through my devotional but Patti just thanked me and acted like it was normal for me to cry through a devotional, maybe she thought it was, ok she's right....it is!

Each month I would drive out to Crestwood, leaving Louisville and all my problems behind me as I headed further northeast. For two hours once a month, I left everything and met with three other women who weren't a part of my immediate life, who didn't see me on a day to day, who didn't know me well and didn't know my family well, who were all focused on planning Girls Camp, and who didn't NEED to know everything bothering me.  I left my world and went to plan to do this thing for 100 girls and 30 leaders and it ended up being the only thing I looked forward to doing.

I would attend a meeting once a month where these three ladies didn't know anything about me except that I had been to Girls Camp 16 times before and  I had been an assistant Stake Director and YCL Leader and Ward Camp director and YCL youth leader and and and.  That was the only important fact they knew about me and I was turned to for my knowledge and experience and I felt special to be looked upon in that need because in my life back in Louisville, the one 30 minutes away, I had no answers and no experience with what was happening there.  I was attending doctors appointments with Eileen where her doctors treated me with such contempt, leaving me feeling like a horrible person as well as a horrible mother and I didn't understand why.  Looking back I think they thought I was some kind of bigot and honestly maybe I was.

As things usually do, camp prep got stressful which means I got stressed and my awesome family helped me deal with it even though we were all still going from sun up to sun down each day.  Eileen was still with a therapist. still suicidal, and still on medication and for months we didn't see a difference and it slowly got worse and then it was time for Girls Camp and the Saturday before I was telling Patti I had to watch her closely because her suicidal thoughts were worse.

Girls Camp was everything great and everything terrible.  Bats that may or may not have been rabid entered our cabins and forced us to leave camp days earlier than planned. I say it was everything great because of our first night. Our first night was Stake leaders, cooks, Priesthood, and YCLs. It was quiet, fun and perfect. Everyone was so full of excitement for what was to come and so filled with hope.  I had the opportunity to teach the YCLs a spiritual lesson which I love doing and after, one of the girls and I had this incredible talk. We tucked the girls into bed and seriously, everything was perfect. That night I sat on the floor beside Patti's bunk, knees tucked up to my chin, whispering with her and it felt like kindred spirits finding one another.

The next morning things started to get wild and we were moving bunks and moving girls away from bats and trying to follow the Health Departments demands. Patti was giving me job after job and every time I thought it was time to calm down there was Patti doing something more and giving me another job. That night she was exhausted, it showed on her face, it showed everywhere but she took the time to have a moment of fun and then right before bed again I found myself on the floor next to her bunk in that kindred spirit moment again. Within an hour or so of that moment the girls had bats in their cabins and we were all awake, deciding to close the camp.

The next day 130 people were cleared out of camp and Patti and I were the last to leave the campsite.

At one point during the chaos Patti needed to handle something out of the site and turned things over to me to oversee. I felt honored to be her second in command and knew she trusted me. I had grown very attached and very protective of my leader and looking back I realize some of that was because she had trusted me and had given me purpose when so many other professionals in my personal life hadn't over the last months leading up to that point. She asked me to stay when so many had left and so I stayed on her 6, watching over my leader, taking on the roll as her protector even on the drive home until it was time to change freeways and say our goodbyes.

Camp was over, meetings were over, drives out to Crestwood were over and soon, even though no one really knew change was to be, I knew my position as assistant to Patti was over. There were rumors of change within our Stake floating around except I had been told by those in the know that this rumor would come to truth and our ward would be moved into a different Stake. I knew before we ever left for camp it would be my last but I was hopeful it wasn't true, even though I knew it was.

So Camp and everything about it was over and I no longer had purpose because Eileen still wasn't better and I still had no answers and no way to help her and everything around me crashed because I no longer had camp to make me feel of value. Truly that was the only place between prep for camp and at camp during that 10 or so months where I felt of value. My parents came to visit and that was wonderful and helped but soon after they left it got really bad and by my birthday I was miserable with not much understanding. Finally a friend reached out, my friend Sandie from camp, one of the other assistants, and she helped Eileen get into a clinical trial. Things looked up for a month or so until they didn't and Eileen tried to take her life right before Halloween. That month and a few weeks after were extremely difficult.

November, Stake Conference, change! This was it. Stake Conference was announced and I knew this was it.  I had known for a long time but when our ward was invited to Lou's Stake Conference I KNEW! Just a little while earlier I emailed Patti, because I felt it was time to stop kidding myself, and asked her to let me bow out and for her to find my replacement. I hated writing that letter. I hated everything about this change. I hated this change, but I knew it was time. Patti told me she was devastated to not have me with them. I needed to hear that from that trusted friend and leader. I needed to feel special, wanted, and missed in order to fully let go. During Stake Conference they asked us to stand as we were moved into our new Stake.  I cried the whole way through it but when they said any who had held a position as a Stake leader in the Crestwood stake has now been released and thanked for their service, it was like a wave of peace washed over me and I knew this was the Spirit of the Comforter helping me.

I've put off going through my camp folder and tossing the unimportant. I guess it was nostalgia and wanting to hold on to that particular past but I finally did. Going through some of my own therapy and being given some tools to help me has given me a lot of strength. It was really time to let go and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, mostly because I had sorted it right before camp so there was only the important for that time anyway.

Going through that folder and reflecting on all of this and how intertwined my life and Eileen's life and camp were this past year, I feel more than ever the Savior's power and love for me. He knew this would be the hardest thing I've ever done and He knew I would need powerful examples in my life to keep my head above water as Eileen went through her trials and as we went through them with her. I'm so grateful for the Savior in my life, for the influence and gift He's given me in the Holy Ghost. I'm grateful for friends who listen to the Spirit and grateful for those who walk in His light.These have been the people this last year who have brightened my life with the Saviors light when I didn't have the strength to see it myself.

This year of Camp, with the bats and all, will occupy a very special place in my heart. I've grown, I've learned, I've come so far. And though I'm still working on moving on, I know I'll shed a tear or two every once in awhile when I think of it.  After all, you don't come away from something like this without leaving a piece of your heart behind!

Squaring my Shoulders and Pressing On

I recently read an article in the February 2016 Ensign Magazine about depression.  It was well written and deserves a read even if you don't suffer from anything like that it will help you understand and be more sympathetic to those who do.  This week has been mostly a difficult one.  I've been sad and weepy, mad and frustrated, happy and laughing, solemn and depressed, so a little lower than normal, ok maybe a little lower than lower than normal. At the end of it all though I have a few thoughts running through my head that I wanted to remember later.

#1 Foundations- You build a foundation of rock and it won't fall.  Spiritually we are told to do this so when hard times beat against us our testimonies will protect us.  Good theory!  It holds true in friendships as well.  This week a few very close friends have been at my side.  One walked me through decisions (thank you Amy), one walked me through emotions (thank you Steph), and one walks beside me forever through everything (thank you Brent)!  These foundations of friendship have been hit numerous times with trial and have stood up against the forces that would break them down.  We all have the opportunity to create friendships that are amazing but not every one of them is built on a foundation as strong as rock.  I like to think of friendship as a tree in its seasons.  The foundational friends are the roots, you of course are the trunk, your friends that last for years on end are the thick branches, those that are there for shorter times are thinner ones, and those that flicker in and out of life are leaves.  Roots typically don't leave the tree!

#2 Squaring your shoulders and pressing on - Saturday night I did that....this whole week I've done that.  I pressed on through times that I didn't like, didn't want to be at, and didn't think mattered.  I'm proud of myself for going through those moments even though it was an internal battle to be at everyone of those things. I feel like I'm fighting on behalf of myself because I know by being present both physically and mentally it actually helps in the process. It doesn't necessarily make it any easier though. This week I've either cried all the way home or crashed upon arrival at home, mentally depleted. I'm trying though, that's what counts.

#3 Family - Yesterday morning our closing hymn in Sacrament meeting was #300 Families can be Together Forever. I cannot make it through that song without thinking of my aunts and uncles, cousins and siblings, and my sweet parents all singing this song to my Grandpa and Grandma Abbott for their 50th wedding anniversary years ago. Tears always come, memories always flood, and I can never finish. After the week being the way it was I knew it would be no different. It was however, I couldn't even start. My sweet Emma though moved close to me, put her head on my shoulder, and cried right along with me; neither one of us singing a single word but simply sharing in each others spirits. It was the first time I think that I haven't longed for my momma afterward and I think it is mostly due to the comfort I received from Emma. My daughters actions have made such an interesting impression on me. I pray I am developing the type of relationship with her that I have with my own mother and this experience gives me hope that I might be doing some things right. Oh my darling Emma, you make me so proud of the woman you're becoming.

Back to Normal....What's normal again?

A new school year has dawned and I'm facing it without support.  That is to say, I'm facing it with not as much support as I had previously. Then again, that is to say, I'm facing it with the exact same support team I had before but I have to utilize them differently!  I talked to Amy Ward the other night (my A#1 best friend/soul sister/soul mender/home school rally-er/cheerleader/advice guru....you get the idea). After our first week of school I was feeling pretty good about the choices I made concerning curriculum and direction of learning.  I picked it all out myself with only the old voices in my head to guide me and of course from the best guidance...the Spirit.  I feel pretty good about myself as Emma has already begun to adapt but as I talked with Amy I realized I haven't left my support team back in San Diego; they've always been with me! 

We left a pretty awesome home school program when we left San Diego.  We were apart of a charter school that was accredited and could give Emma a diploma at graduation as well as supply her with funds to support almost any curriculum and supplied us with an awesome Educational Specialist who we could lean on for assistance for our homeschooling needs.  We had also joined a commonwealth that focus' on leadership education and teaching our children how to be active, educated, contributing members of our society.  A large part of our friendships came from home school families or from our ward which included some of those home school families.  We had support everywhere we turned in Cali.  When we came to Louisville, Kentucky supplied us with an opportunity to legally home school our child...yep that's all!  The difference at first was overwhelming but we moved in the middle of the school year and we kept the curriculum all the same for the second semester so it felt "almost" normal.  In reality our world was turned upside down and the school side of life barely squeaked through.

Well back to normal.  What is normal anyway?  It changes so often that I don't know where normal went.  I've come to a realization however, normal is a state of feeling a moments contentment.  I look around my house tonight and there is a dirty knife and spoon at the computer table, a table full of things that need to be put away, a floor to sweep, dishes to be done, and sleep to acquire but in this moment it's normal.  Yes things have changed dramatically and yes we have begun to feel at home in this strange land of endless mosquitoes and gnats but something feels normal more often than not!

As for home schooling feeling normal, Amy helped me see that it's more normal than I thought.  I was going back and forth over curriculum for grammar/vocabulary versus classic literature and whose philosophy I should choose to teach.  I kept questioning over and over, "Well this person believes this but this is what's happening and what about this over here or should I do this".  Eventually I went with the feeling that made me the least anxious.  As I was explaining all of this over the phone she validated my feelings and in that "moment" I felt normal!  See my support has never left and something in that moment was normal.

Will tomorrow be normal?  Perhaps parts will and perhaps parts won't.  Will it feel normal when my alarm goes off at 7a.m.? No because it's currently 3:40a.m.  Will Emma's eminent frustration with Math feel normal...unfortunately YES!  Right now and for as long as I need it to be, normal is a state of feeling a moments contentment!

Pride and my Exaggerated Brain

Monolog alert - This post is long!

I've given this blogging thing a lot of thought over the last little while.  I don't want to only post the hard things or only post the great things.  I don't want a travel log and I don't want this blog to be boring, however I realize I'm not trying to impress anyone any longer by the life I lead. Writing is therapeutic for me and I need to express what's going on inside my exaggerated brain! (That would be the first definition of exaggerated 1. unrealistically magnified.....not the second 2. abnormally enlarged.)  With that being said I've decided to write out a major hurdle I've been going through for the last two years.  

I've made mention of depression and different instances where it's affected me but I've told very few of why. To clarify I don't believe that depression has to have a reason or a catalyst but for me there have been moments which have increased this suffering. I finally feel I am at a place where I understand my Heavenly Father's love for me and I feel safe enough to share my pride.

Two years ago Brent started looking for a new job.  I loved San Diego and I loved our situation there.  In October he thought he found a job in San Fransisco and started the interview process. I was mad.  I didn't want to leave for many reasons but the biggest was Emma had just started a great home school program and finally started to enjoy school.  If all went well with the HS (home school-HS) we would be hopefully joining a commonwealth the next year where I really wanted Emma involved.  Our future (mine and Emma's) looked bright.  I was so mad at Brent. 

During that time I went to Las Vegas to help my dad with his knee surgery and while there I voiced my upset with my parents.  My dad tried to help me see Brent's side which made me mad again and I was not open to being humbled or to seeing any other point of view.  My mom suggested my dad give me a Priesthood blessing which, I was again not happy about but I knew my dad was a worthy Priesthood holder and would not be biased.  During the blessing he commanded evil spirits to depart from my body.  

Let me pause...any reader at this point would be already guessing the end to this story.  The spirits depart, I realize my mistake, I realize my husbands need, he finds a job, I'm supportive, we move, yadda yadda yadda! You already sorta know the ending because yes we've moved to Louisville but there is two years in between and it has not been easy! 

There is no simple in this.  I have been raised with an understanding of the gospel of Jesus Christ and I have worked hard to build my testimony of Christ.  I've worked hard on my relationship with my Heavenly Father to know of His love and I've realized I can't know how to love others until I love myself; working hard to make sure I knew this was my biggest goal and Satan was and always is my biggest enemy. I am not one of those people who let evil spirits find purchase within themselves and that line right there is what my pride was all about! 

Talk about standing on your soap box! NO   I'm    not    one   of    THOSE   people!!!!!  What a jerk!  Instead of feeling instant relief from the presence of Satan I felt ashamed, humiliated, loads of self-disgust and very honestly embarrassed such a thing could transpire while I was at the helm.  The next morning I talked it over with my mom, when I flew home I talked it over with Brent, a few months later I talked it over with my sister, all people I felt safe with but none could take away how embarrassed I felt, in part, because I didn't realize the pride that existed behind the embarrassment.  I wasn't about to admit to anyone else my folly, I wasn't about to admit this good little Mormon girl allowed evil spirits to enter in because I was above it all. That would never happen to someone as righteous as I.  I couldn't let people know......I'm human!  

Within a few months I was very uncomfortable around everyone because I felt such shame and started to withdraw.  I would go to girls night or church and say almost nothing to anyone unless specifically address and when addressed I would fake it and act like nothing could possibly bother me.  I'm sad to admit now that even my very closest friends were not let in to know what was going on.  HS was a great excuse because I could disappear for days on end without having to see anyone but Brent and Emma.  It was also horrible because I had loads of time to (my phrase of the day) let my brain exaggerate (again 1st definition)!  The problem only increased, Brent continued to have job interviews, I continued to fake it and keep it a secret, and my life slowly pulled further from Christ even though visually nothing seemed different. Most of the time I was so down and nothing could pull me up. When I felt I had to be somewhere I would fake it for as long as I could but being alone was the only thing that ever felt natural.

Something happened along the way and I feel it was my Savior stepping in and saying I had had enough.  Remember the commonwealth?  Well it was time to start getting involved which meant our whole family would be involved, which meant those in the positions to make decisions asked me to mentor 12 early age teenagers and help them come to the understanding of how our country was established and help them feel a sense of ownership in America over the next year.  I, of course now lacking my previously developed positive self esteem, questioned why anyone would want me to mentor their children.

In August almost 1 year ago now I attended a training course for this class I was to mentor.  I remember pulling up at my friends house, I was going to follow her there, feeling overwhelmed with a sense of not wanting to go.  It was so strong I nearly canceled 4 times before leaving my house and then once again while at Amy's waiting for her to finish getting ready.  Now I'm able to recognize Satan's influence there.  Thankfully I drove the 45 minutes to Temecula.  Right before lunch our speaker Anneladee Milne apologized because she was about to run us into lunch but she felt she needed to share something before we broke.  

She started talking about recognizing our students for the genius' they are and accepting that they are allowed to be failures while still being a genius. I thought this was all well and good and good advice for me as a mentor but then she turned the table on us and told us that we were allowed the same right.  She told us we were allowed to make mistakes and allowed to not be perfect and allowed to be genius' even though we would be making mistakes during our genius lifetime.  These are all things I know but....I had not given myself permission to fail. I had never given myself permission to accept the fact anyone could have evil spirits around them even if they have safe guarded against them. I sat there crying tears of joy for the first time in a really long time.

Amy and I went to lunch and I was on top of the world.  I hadn't felt so free for a year.  Someone just told me I was allowed to be imperfect and for whatever reason I believed this time.  I was happier than I had been for what seemed a long time.  I started mentoring my awesome class in September and soon I realized by serving others in this capacity I found joy.  I was loving being a part of the Millenial Scholar Academy (MSA) Commonwealth and being a part of a new community. It did a lot for my heart but not much for my pride.

In the background and unfortunately that is exactly how I viewed it, Brent continued to search in vain for a new job and I continued to basically not support him.  I was having a great time with my new MSA/HS lifestyle and moving was the furthest thing from my heart, meanwhile he was suffering with his own depression and I wasn't there because I finally felt halfway normal again; I refused to acknowledge him searching for a job. All good things must come to an end and on Halloween they did.  Brent was offered an incredible opportunity in Louisville and we spent the weekend praying and fasting.  All three of us knew it was right even though two of us didn't want to admit it. 

Soon we were telling our friends goodbye and we were moving across the country.  I haven't ever really felt like the times I've needed to mourn lasted very long but this move and leaving all my fun old and new friends and adventures was hard.  I told myself I would work really hard to make new friends and put our lives into a situation where we were happy to be part of Louisville and for the most part it's been good.  It's been hard but good.  

Very quickly though I started to see exactly what the result of the last two years had brought me.  My marriage wasn't on the rocks but it was far from where it needs to be, my husband was unfortunately not my best friend, and without the bedazzled MSA there to umbrella my happiness I was fighting once again with depression but this time I was fighting with needing normalcy, and realizing my marriage wasn't great.  In attempt to find normalcy I sort of opened up to my husband, my mom, Amy and Stephanie. Stephanie kept telling me time and again to lower my expectations and give ourselves time to adjust but I was so stubborn and I wanted everything to get back to normal so I kept pushing.

Finally one night the levies broke, Brent and I sat in bed talking for hours.  Over time I started to see what I had done to him and to our relationship.  (Don't think I'm taking this all on myself because he is at fault as well for other things that he can blog about if so desired.)  For a month or so I was frustrated with everything that had happened and I was unsure about the next step.  Brent and I have talked several times about improving our relationship since then and I feel things are better.  As always we will continue to need to work on communication as that's our biggest problem but we are in a better place and I really believe working on a healthy relationship with Brent is what has helped me work up to the point where I understood the whole business about pride.

A few days ago Stephanie and I were having a phone therapy session (yes we are both self declared psychotherapists) and all the sudden I had a revelation that this was all built upon pride.  Since moving here I have had experiences which have helped me humbled myself to be able to accept the Lord's revelation to me.  Slowly I feel like I'm able to be joyful.  Slowly I've watched my relationship with my Heavenly Father progress and slowly I'm allowing me to find the love for my own self again.

I like to think I am generally happy with a few down times.  I know I have down times and I know I will always have down times.  The depression still comes off and on especially this last week when Brent has worked long hours and Emma is at my sisters.  I have tried to stay active because Satan likes to swoop in when I'm idle and exaggerate my brain!  I need to apologize to those (you know who you are) whom I wouldn't let in.  I KNOW now you would have been there for me.  I'm so sorry my pride got in the way but I also want to thank you because without you I might have withered away. You kept me included when I was distant and I always felt your love even though I wouldn't accept anyone knowing of my genius failures.  I still have battles before me but by writing this I pray I can remember what pride leads to.

Not My Typical M.O.

Sometimes depression happens to show its ugly head and you know not from where it came. Saturday morning was that way for me. I woke feeling a sense of urgency to get my list of to-do's accomplished but under the urgency there it was, depression. I told myself to get over it and get on with my day. Errand and another were checked off but not with a smile or a quip to a stranger at the grocery store. There was no paying it forward i.e. getting something off the top shelf for someone or commenting on how pretty someone's hair was because I had no desire to even look another in the eye. These things make me happy and are my typical M.O. Finished with my errands I came home defeated, complete of task but defeated nonetheless. Lurking on my list was preparing for Primary Sharing Time. Typically I read over the monthly theme a week before and spend time pondering the gospel principle I am to teach and this time was no different in the preparation.  The difference this time, however, was not a single bit of inspiration came to me in the time I spent pondering. In the past I would have quickly bowed my head and asked the Lord for help but I could not shake the feeling of defeat and "Satan the jerk" knew it. I tried reminding myself of my mantra, "You are a failure and a genius at the same time" but to no avail I was in the woes of defeat and felt no where close in allowing myself to accept/learn from my failures and see my genius. 

The Holy Ghost is an incredible friend! Here I am in my defeat and I remember that my husband and I are trying to work on communicating better so I tell him I'm having a tough morning and the depression is getting the better of me. I tell him I feel like I can't shake it. With a few questions he and I discover the problem is derived most likely from the inability to plan this Primary lesson. No solution was found in the brief moments of conversation but something important happened, I voiced my problem. I feel like the physical act of telling Brent what was bothering me was just enough to break Satan's hold over me. I'm unsure whether it was admitting out loud I was suffering or releasing it from my exaggerating mind that stopped the cycle but either way I'm  grateful for the Holy Ghost reminding me about my promise to my husband. Later I felt the prompting to call my sweet mother, moms make everything better, and through a few tears and a recollection of a similar lesson she'd given she pushed me into the direction I needed to get going on my lesson. 

Pulling out of the depression isn't  like a blink from a genie where it all disappears, it's gradual. By the time Brent and I walked through Sams Club later that day I was feeling happy and smiling. I hate this hopeless feeling and how it takes over completely and makes it so hard to feel like my normal happy self. I don't enjoy feeling this way. I love being happy, I love smiling, and I hope by learning to communicate out loud about what I'm going through will help me to break the cycle more quickly from now on. 

I'm grateful to my Heavenly Father for giving us a link between Him and us. I'm grateful we have not been left here alone to try and get through this test without Him. I'm grateful for a husband who understands depression and grateful for a mother who lives in righteousness and is a constant support. Lastly I'm grateful to be learning more about this terrible condition, what triggers it, and how to problem solve through it.  Hopefully by sharing this experience I can remember it is written to refer back and maybe it will help someone else.

No Longer a Stranger

At one of our very first Sacrament services in the Louisville 1st Ward (Jan 2015) we sang the hymn, "O My Father".  As the second verse started and developed I read the words "You're a stranger here" and found myself drowning in tears. I was missing my San Diego family and friends so much, feeling like a stranger, and hating everything about the move that I just couldn't hold them back. Here's that verse...

For a wise and glorious purpose

Thou hast placed me here on earth (in Louisville)

And withheld (or rather made me think often) the recollection

Of my former friends and birth;

Yet ofttimes a secret something

Whispered, "You're a stranger here,"

And I felt that I had wandered

From a more exalted sphere.

 

Since that time I hadn't really given that moment another thought and though I have had times where I or my family have felt far away from what is familiar, we have tried hard to immerse ourselves in and be a part of the local culture. It's not always been easy but it really hasn't been especially hard.

Side note: Two days ago I returned from Young Women's Girls Camp where we had a brilliant time and Stake leaders were so kind and loving to my ward family and I while there.  We felt cherished and blessed to be there.

Today for the closing hymn during Sacrament we again sang "O My Father".  My reaction this time was completely the same.....except my tears did not come from a place of sadness.  As we came upon the line saying "You're a stranger here" the memory came back so vividly and I chuckled to myself as the feeling of love and home flooded my soul.  Tears began to flow but this time they were the tears of joy, such JOY! Part of that joy came from having just returned from a wonderfully successful year at Girls Camp but more than that I looked around at those who have made an effort to help make Louisville our home.  One sister in front of me told me recently about her prayers for new move ins and new friendships and felt her prayers had been answered with me; she has been an incredible friend, another sister who has seen me laugh and cry, a few families who have had us in their homes and instantly considered us as having always been there, and many others beyond that.  I chuckled to myself among the tears that I'm no longer a stranger here and how nice it felt to be home!

Second side note: It's been almost 6 months since our move in date.  We have seen a lot of change through seasons and been through a lot of change through everything. Brent is attending summer college courses, Emma is out of school for summer, and now that I am finished with Girls Camp....I can finally start my summer reading list!

 

 

 

Spring and an Update

I'm sitting here this morning looking out our little office window, reflecting on how quickly life seems to change.  Just a few weeks ago we were playing in the snow and shoveling our walk and now I'm looking at the buds starting to form on our huge walnut tree.  (The closest one isn't the walnut, I have no idea what that one is. The walnut is the one behind the unknown tree!)  How is it that this all happens so fast? Seriously we had a nice big snow storm that dropped several inches at our house and then after a few days it was gone because it was followed by a huge rain storm that melted all the snow. 

As soon as that rain was gone I was outside with Emma when I saw these beautiful little flowers all over our front lawn.  Spring is my favorite! The places we've lived, Spring is for only a few short weeks.  I'm anxious to see what it's like here.  The opportunity for new growth and new birth excites me.  It brings hope and encouragement with it.  There is a sense that if flowers can bloom again after such cold once existed, I can too!  

Things are going well, or as well as can be expected.  Emma and I have, for better or worse, settled into a routine for homeschool.  We both terribly miss our support group back in San Diego but we've recently found a LDS homeschooling group and will start doing once a month activities with them at the temple performing baptisms for the dead. The Louisville temple has it set up so that certain days each week baptisms are open walk-ins and they provide all the Priesthood needed.  We're excited and nervous to get started with them.  Emma otherwise is well. We were blessed to move into a ward with several Beehives and she's made friends with them all.  She spoke in church this past Sunday and did great for her first time.  I couldn't be happier with how she's gone out of her way to make friends!  

Brent's job is going ok.  Changes early on with his supervisor quitting were unexpected but it seems like he is starting to get the swing of things.  It might be awhile longer before he feels like he's settled however. He's been called as a ward missionary and I think he likes it.  He has to teach in Sunday School now and again and has to assign teachers so at the moment it doesn't seem like a lot but we've had the missionaries over for dinner and have basically an open invitation for helping them with their needs. 

I have been called into Primary as the 2nd counselor and I'm really excited to be serving again.  The sisters I serve with are amazing and have welcomed me in with open loving arms.  Actually it seems as though most of the ward have welcomed us with open arms and put us to work.  It is so nice to feel like we are needed.  Two Sundays ago I was asked by a member of the Relief Society presidency if I would give a short message about our inner beauty before the Women's broadcast coming up.  She said she felt that I was the one who needed to do it.  I was touched beyond words by her proclamation.  Then our Primary Pres. pipped in and said that she completely agreed and that I was awesome and could do anything.  Talk about making a girl feel special!!! 

We live in Louisville?

Yup it's true, we moved to Louisville Kentucky. On January 2, 2015 we moved our So Cal selves to the mid-west/south-east/mid-east....Kentucky!  Where exactly does Kentucky fit into that scheme of things? We haven't been given a straight answer! There are some straight answers we've been given though...

1. If you didn't have allergies before you will now.  The Ohio River Valley is a hot spot for all things that grow.
2. If you don't like the weather don't worry, it will change in a day or two (or sometimes within the hour).
3. Black ice is real!
4. Kentucky Fried Chicken does have a buffet.
5. There TOTALLY is such a thing as Utah Mormons!
6. You'll be told to have a blessed day at least once a day if you leave your house.
7. Old doesn't necessarily mean worn out.
8. Cold in San Diego means wearing a sweater in Louisville!
9.You are either a U of L fan or a UK fan but you can't be both, however you can be neighbors and still like each other! (our street is speckled with cardinal red and wildcat blue flags)

I'm sure there are tons more.  It has been a big adjustment moving here but mostly just becoming familiar with the people and routines.  It helps when you can find your way around without always having to use the GPS and asking people which is the better Walmart.  Also I don't advise anyone to move in the middle of the winter.  It's a but of a downer when you move from a place with constant greenery to bare trees and gray skies.

We've been blessed in our move though that's for sure.  Brent has been given a promotion and a raise. We can afford to live in a house versus a condo and we are still blessed to be homeschooling, as well as many more. Life will continue to adjust and we will continue to learn how to live here with joy.