Coping

I guess I feel the need to ask myself why I am here and not somewhere else.  Mostly, because my plans for today did not involve being here.  They involved being other places and doing other things.  Like cleaning.  Instead, I am here and I am teetering between feeling guilt and just enjoying the beauty.  Beauty?  I've been reading my sister's blog.  I am always filled with a sense of my soul being satisfied.... and then wanting more.  I want to be surrounded in beauty and I want to create beauty.... and so, here I am.  Creation is a need, we all need to create.

Lately, I've been on a journey.  A small one.  But not a new one.  I've been on this path before, but in a different place and at a different time.  Recently, I invited Jillian Michaels into my home, via a workout DVD.  Her personality is so big that it does literally feel like she has become a part of my life.  Sadly, an almost negative part of my life.  I almost feel compelled to workout everyday and eat healthy and if I don't, I feel like I may just be overweight and unhealthy for the rest of my life... and yet I can't blame a DVD persona for lacing my life with guilt and making me work out.  But I also know that I am the one who bought the DVD because I wanted to make a change.  I am the one who turns it on in the morning and pushes myself to becoming more able to work hard.

I love the feeling of pushing my body to painful limits and winning small victories.  To me, it isn't just about working out and being skinny, it's about accomplishing the impossible, it's about saying: I CAN!  I can do ANYTHING and I have Proof.  It isn't about regretting the moment but celebrating it, celebrating strength and enjoying the energy that helps you to accomplish even more.

Sometimes I wonder if it can be that simple.  I choose Joy.  I will release, like water off my back (let's pretend I'm a duck, so the water can really just slide off).  Maybe a balloon is more fitting.... I will let it go, like a balloon thrown into the air.  I will release guilt.  I will release fear.  I will release anger and self loathing. Why should I hold onto the negative emotions?  How do they help me grow?  How do they help me create? I probably won't do this perfectly.  I probably will need to practice.  But I think I see a little more clearly.

Working Out with Jillian

Welcome to my home, sorry it's a little messy.  I'm sure you're used to something a little different, posh and clean perhaps?  Thank you for coming, I really appreciate it!  After 3 pregnancies and 50lbs gained each time, I could really use a good work out!  We should probably start soon though, because when the kids finish eating they'll want to crawl all over me.  It's reflexive. Oh, hey look!  Mom's exercising again.  Attack!

I hope you don't mind, but... this music it's not doing it for me, do you have anything else that's actually fun to listen too?  Nope, well all right.  I guess it keeps the beat, right?

Do I need shoes too?  I was thinking of going barefoot.

All right, ready begin.

Hey look kids, Mom's doing a windmill with her arms.  What does this work anyway?  Right, my abs, and my arms, and my lungs.  And now jump rope, hug myself engaging the core?, cross over kicks and jumping jacks.  Ha! yeah, right jumping jacks... remember how I just had a baby?  I need something to strap everything down!

Blah, blah, blah.  Whatever, I'm exercising so I can go eat pizza.  Don't you guilt me into not eating pizza, it's not going to ruin the next hour if I eat one slice of pizza!

And that was just the warm up?  yikes!

Uhm.  Just a moment, can we pause here?  Asher and Isaac are starting all out warfare over a transformer toy.  It's Cliffjumper again.  Gotta go play referee, I'll be right back.

What! We're going to start this with herpes... or bur-pees? Whatever.  Wow.  There's all the high school humiliation coming back to me. It's like I can smell dirty old gym right now.  Jump into plank. Pull the legs up one at a time.  Jump up.  Jump to the side.  And again.  And again.  And again.  Oh, my Holy Hannah.  Seriously?

Sorry, I can't stop laughing.  It's not you!  It's me.  This is so freakin difficult.   Ha, ha ha! Jump into plank... or fall.  Jump up, or step up????  And, I'll hop to the side... like a cute little baby bunny.... little, little hop.

Wow, I survived.  Now what?

Table pose? what? and kick my legs? what?  While I'm in this pose.  You're crazy!!! ha ha ha, crazy!  How bout, I'll just perfect this table right here and later, we'll add some kicks... I mean seriously.  It was hard enough on it's own.

Sorry, gotta take a break.  Aiden needs out of his high chair.  His screams are verging on intently manic.

So, where were we.  Darn it.  Who ran off with the tuner?

And now.

Off my belly, into plank, into Upward facing dog, into Downward facing dog, jump my feet to my hands (ha ha), rise up and then Mountain Pose.  You mean right now? I can't.  Why not?  Well, first of all I'm tired and the second one is sort of obvious.  All right, all right.  I'll be right there.  Just pause for a moment while I catch up.  I've got a ten month old crawling around on my back and a 3 year old who has his arms wrapped around my head trying to wrestle me into the ground, even more.  Don't worry though, I'll be right there!

Really, Aiden?  Please don't eat the tuner.  You stopped mommie's workout!

Uh, sweetie, it's really dangerous hugging mommy when she's doing this.  I can't quite reach my toes!

Oh, wow.  Isaac! No climbing on mom while she's in Tree Pose!  I'm not a tree!

Just wondering, how much more of this torture session  you have left for me?

I just want you to realize that my core is pretty much deflated flab.  So, when you tell me to get my back off the ground in a crunch, you're asking for the impossible.  Especially since I have a baby lying on my belly and snuggling me right now.  I love sweet snuggles.  So, crunch time with a baby on my belly.  That makes a better workout, right?

Uh, so.  I have to disagree with you right here.  I will not regret the hell out of it if I don't put 100 percent in right now.  At this point, I'm just happy to be here.  Alive.  I think you're projecting your insecurities on to me.  I don't like it.

Fantastic.  I love it when Personal Trainers remind you to keep breathing, like I could forget to breath.  Ha ha ha.  I can't get enough air right now!  I'm not about to forget to breath!  ha ha ha.

In fact, I was thinking that if the government really wanted to take control of our health, they would have workout camps and you would be in charge of them.  I can hear you now, barking out orders on how to relax and let go.  Ha ha ha!  RELAX!  LET GO! WORK! WORK! WORK! and NO PIZZA!
 
What!  That's it?  Wow. Survived.  All of it.  I did it!   I feel like a sweaty mess!  That was awesome!  Love the endorphins!  I haven't had such a fun workout in forever! Aren't you so proud of me!  Wow!  What?
You're now going to be the little voice inside of my head, that comes to all the stores, parties, restaurants, picnics and dates?   You're going to turn all my eating events into, guilt?  Ah, poop.

Clementine Recognitions

"But neither side ever brought forth a proof that really convinced me, because the statements and definitions of things passed as true or false, not from the actual nature of things or the real truth, but always according to the skills and cleverness of the people putting them forth."  Clementine from Clementine Recognitions.  (another early Christian.)

Supposedly, Clementine talked to Peter the Apostle and this is part of the conversations here.  From Hugh Nibley's book Prophets and the World

Peter compares the world in which we live to a great house filled with dense smoke-blinding smoke produced by human unbelief, malice, ambition, greed, etc.  Because of this smoke, the people who live in the house can see nothing clearly, but we must imagine them groping about with weak and running eye, coughing and scolding, bumping into each other, tripping over furniture, trying to make out a bit of reality here and there-a corner, a step, a wall- and then trying to fit their desperate and faulty data together to make some kind of sense....
There is only one possible way to get any sure knowledge either of the building or its builder, and that is to consult one who has come from the pure air of the outside where he has viewed the house with clear detachment and spoken with its builder.  Such a clear view comes only be revelation and can only be conveyed to men, Peter insists again and again, by a true prophet.

Peter insists, it is all-important to prove that a prophet is a true prophet and not one of the swarming impostors.  We must, he says, 'before all things try the faith of the prophet by every possible test.'  A prophet is no ordinary person; he makes no ordinary claim; and he does not ask people to believe him, but to test him.  God is not authoritarian: He asks no one to believe,  but invites the world, as his prophets do, "Prove me herewith."


This is Andy.  I love the idea... Prove me herewith.  I see that idea in my life, as I take a small step of faith forward only to find that God, or my Heavenly Father is there!   Each small step seems to build and continue validating my faith in God.  He is there, He does love me, He will help me, strengthen me, and heal me.  I feel I can rest in the assurance, the knowledge, that no matter what happens (even death) that all will be provided for, all will be well  here on earth or on the other side of the veil.

Justin Martyr

These are early Christian writings...  before the 4th century.

"A long time ago there lived certain men- much older than any of those so-called philosophers we have been talking about; blessed and righteous men, beloved of God.  And they spoke by the Holy Spirit, foretelling those very things which are now coming to pass.  They are called prophets.  They are the only men who have ever seen the truth of things and told it to men without making any timid concessions to public opinion, without seeking to make an impression on people, and without being in the least influenced by concern for what other people might think of them.  But, being filled with the Holy Ghost, they simply reported those things which they had seen and heard.  The writings of those men survive to this day, and anyone can derive the greatest benefit from them and learn from them about the beginnings and endings of things, and all such matters as philosophers are supposed to know.  For it was not their wont to build up a case by formal argument, but simply to report the truth as reliable witnesses, without any disputation at all."

feeling, knowing and doing

She was from Argentina with long brown hair dyed a golden blonde.  Half her life she had lived not a member of the LDS faith and the other half she had, she said she would never give up what she had been given by being a part of the LDS faith.  Like Nephi, she did not know all things, but knew that Heavenly Father loved his children.  She had just gone to Brazil to visit her father (not a member of the LDS faith) and while there her father introduced her to a man(also not a member of the LDS faith) who does a great work for the orphans in the street.  This man owns a restaurant or bar on the beach where people from all over the world come to ride the ocean waves. Half of the bar is for business.  The other half of the bar is dedicated to feeding and educating the children, or orphans, on the street.  Some of them have become successful surfers. She was so impressed with this man and the work he was doing that she decided to share The Book of Mormon with him... in fact, she made him read aloud a particular scripture from it   Mosiah 2: 17   And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.

She told him that whenever she reads that scripture she would think of him and the work he is doing.   (I distinguish between those who are of the LDS faith and for purposes of the story and to show that I understand that goodness is everywhere... we are all God's children).

Our Stake President (like a Bishop for a large area, stake), talked about the difference between testimony and conversion... or knowing and feeling something compared to actually doing what you know and feel to be true.  One young man was out of money and out of food during Christmas.  He was starving and didn't know what to do.  So, he prayed and as he was praying he was told to look under his bed.  He quickly ended his prayer and looked under his bed and found a handful of quarters... five dollars worth of quarters (we've done this before... found quarters scattered around the house).  It was enough to go and buy a pizza from Ceaser's.  He was so excited to finally have food he didn't even notice the cold as he walked to the restaurant   On his way home he came across a homeless man that he was familiar with and he knew... he knew that the pizza was for this man.  He gave it all away.  He didn't share a few pieces or keep one piece for himself... he gave it all away.  When he got him he knelt down to pray and prayed that he would be able to sleep and that the discomfort of hunger would not keep him awake.  As soon as he finished his prayers he heard a knock at his door.  His Bishop (leader of a smaller area, ward) had driven five hours because he had received an impression that this young man was alone and hungry on Christmas Day.

There were other stories of faith and prayer and people asking and people serving... we need enough faith to ask in prayer... and we need to be in tune so that we can hear the voice of the Lord when he asks us to serve those who are praying in faith.

a long time

It seems that I haven't written in ages.  This year has been a year of turmoil for me.  Partly because I became involved with politics... never should have turned the radio on... I even recorded the news to watch later (most of the time I just erased it without watching... but still).  Politics make me anxious, I feel like I am losing my country (and my children's) and my freedom (and my children's) and there is nothing that can be done about it.  The river is flowing too rapidly and it can't be stopped... but I still have faith, in God, that through sacrifice and love our country may become united again.

The other side to my darker year is because my life is in transition or chaos... I have not yet found the ebb and flow, the stillness, peace and quite that rhythm or routines can bring.  My chi has been interrupted.  Josh is sick, still.  We are poor students, still.  Yoga and running, cleaning and organizing have become scattered and inconsistent.  I have not yet learned how to juggle three boys, satisfying all of their needs and teaching them to love themselves and others.  If only I could reign in my patience all the time... not just when it's easy.  If only I could divide my time perfectly, somehow, finding each child's needs met... magically, intuitively... but I am not a magician, only a struggling mother.  The tragedy, to me, seems that my love isn't divided, but my time is.  It's a tragedy because I yearn with every fiber of my being to give my children everything they need, and I can't, the time, knowledge and application are not mine, at this time.  So, instead, I will keep moving and trying to find our rhythm again, because that is how it is supposed to be.

On a side note.  I love, love, love being a mom again.  I adore my little Aiden.  Babies are the best thing ever.  In fact, I want another one.  Yes, I know.  It's crazy.  We won't, not yet.  But.... I do want one.  I suppose, if I purposely have another I shouldn't complain about morning sickness... because, well, I know what I am getting myself into.
Aiden is so snugly, I love snuggles.  And to him, I am the best thing in the world.  I can walk into the room and he will just beam and kick his legs and wave his hands... wanting, more than anything, to be snuggled by his mom.

When Aiden first began to eat real people food... his first two feedings, were joyous.  With every bite he would laugh, mouth wide open, and wiggle and wave his hands and feet (if only we could express ourselves like babies :)... food was glorious.  Everyone should enjoy food like that, laughing with every bite.
Also, Aiden wins the prize at crawling soonest... I think he just wanted to be able to go where he wanted to go and so he dedicated himself to learning how to move... if I am remembering right he was crawling between 5-6 months.... maybe even 4?  I see the same sort of determination now.  He will watch Asher and Isaac and you can see the longing he has to join them and do what they are doing, but not yet.

At this time, Aiden trusts Asher and adores him, but Isaac is... well, Isaac can get Aiden to squeal, whether he is being hurt or not, just one large, slobbery all over the face kiss from Isaac is enough to illicit a few tears, but who would appreciate this form of social grooming?  It's a balance, a transition, we approached much better with Asher and Isaac than Isaac and Aiden.
Lastly, I have been so lucky to have pretty calm and mellow, sweet natured baby boys... and while they maintain a measure of the sweetness as they grow up, they are also just as normal and human as any other boy  ie: they do throw tantrums and beat up on each other... etc etc.

Today, I took Asher, Isaac, and Aiden to the playground.  On the way there Asher and Isaac accumulated all the chestnuts and seed pods (from some tree) as they could.  They climbed walls and Asher jumped from them (Isaac jumped into my arms).  It was sweet.  When we got there we swang in the swings, all three boys laughing when I pushed them.  It was delightful.  Later, I put Aiden on the bottom of the swirly slide.  He was ecstatic, especially after watching his siblings so easily running around.  He tried so desperately to climb that slide.  It was almost sad to see him slide back down, put his head down and determinedly climb right back up... only to slide back down again.  I guess you could say that Aiden is determined, but oh, so sweet.

and while they played mom took pictures of the many faces of Aiden Enoch