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Wednesday, August 15th, 2001
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1:41 am - Why am I still awake?
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I am eating green jello and listening to Cake. I just got in the mood all of a sudden. I remembered coming back from a road trip to Portland with  tungsten & kill & listening to the album Prolonging the Magic. The song "Mexico" really got me for some reason. I'd heard it before at kill's house, but hearing it in the back of a car on a chilly night in February--hoping to make it back to Seattle in time to go out & staring out the window at the shadow of the treeline--was the time I actually heard it for the first time. I remember singing it to myself at a rest stop on a smoke break; that was when I realy fell in love with the song.
So, tonight, out of the blue and many months later, I got the urge to hear "Mexico". So, I dug about online and got all 13 tracks from that album, plus a few other Cake songs I like. Along the way I discovered they have a new album out and they will be at Bumbershoot on the 3rd of September! I somehow managed to not notice that before when I was checking out the lineup.
I am so going this year!
Mmmm...time for a last cigarette and then bed.
current mood: clear
current music: Cake!!
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12:17 am - boooooring day
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I fixed up my resume today. Woo-fucking-hoo.
I guess since yesterday was so much fun, I have to have a dull one or I'd tip the delicate balance of pleasure and pain in the universe and I just do not want to have to take responsibility for that sort of thing.
Got a lot of things off my to-do list today, though. That is always good.
Tomorrow ought to be fun. I am officially taking the first part of the day off from productivity & later kill gets back from her trip to visit the 'rents and we shall all go out and live it up a bit! Yay!
current music: Cake - "Mexico"
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12:12 am
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| Monday, August 13th, 2001
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2:21 am - Good thing I did not get drunk or I'd be *really* embarassingly maudlin...
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I have tried so hard for so many years to be good at things, anything. And sometimes I am. Sometimes I rule the fucking world. Sometimes the things I am good at disgust me, but, fuck I am good at something, what right have I to complain? And sometimes I beat my head against a wall, repeatedly, institutional, deranged, looking out through the bars at the beautifulhealthynormaltalented people. Hoping they don't look back & hoping they do. If I can't be good, can't I least be tragic?
And the whole time I have been avoiding doing the things I have always wanted to do.
And for no good reason.
I am sick with this. Sick with fear. Sick with loneliness. Sick with myself and the memory of all that has been done that cannot be undone.
And all that sickness is my no good reason.
I am fighting this. There is a song in my head that wants to make me cry. I won't let it. I will win this one.
Elizabeth 1; crap overwrought song 0
[And, no, it is not the "Current Music" song I am referring to. I like that one.]
Sleep. Out.
current mood: patheticstupidjustshutup
current music: "Give Me Back My Dreams" - The 6ths (in my head b/c I win!)
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| Sunday, August 12th, 2001
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8:37 pm
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I am getting ready to go to Fetish Night and what am I listening to...?
current music: Oh Bondage, Up Yours!
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| Saturday, August 11th, 2001
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4:19 pm - procrastination/photos/recovery/recycling/out/coffee, duh!
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Yeesh, I will do anything to avoid writing today. I even uploaded the pics from last night's get together at the Dollhouse already & it always takes me a long time to post pictures. (NOTE: If anyone in any of those pictures wants them taken down, just let me know.)
It's stupid, I wrote a few lines of a new poem in the shower today. Had I started working on it when I got out of the shower, I likely would have gotten more of it done, but instead I futzed around and procrastinated. First I couldn't find the right place to sit and write, then I wanted food, then the cat was being cute and obviously needed petting, then I discovered the camera had been used last night...so now I am left with a few lines of a new poem. And not a new poem.
My working title for it is "Dork" b/c I am a big dork and did not finish it.
Maybe I'll just leave it a fragment.
I think the problem is I am a little too hungover to articulate anything properly. Not that I am really all that hungover, my brain is just lagging a bit today. But I feel fine.
In other news, our downstairs landlady had only two complaints related to yesterday and they were both regarding improper dumping of stuff in the wrong recycling bins when we were mad-cleaning the place. The party she had nary a problem with.
My cats are out like furry little lights. They had a big night last night!
Oh! I know why I can't think yet -- I have not had coffee today! Vivace run!! (See, yet another thing to do instead of writing...)
current mood:  listless
current music: inmyheadallatonce: Bjork, X-Ray Spex & The 6ths
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| Friday, August 10th, 2001
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3:59 pm - funny - anon - list - song - out
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Funniest thing I saw today:
http://www.palmspot.com/whatsnew/detail/ps7416ane.html
I am turning off anoymous posting on my journal. Whoever you are, posting Megadeth lyrics is one thing, but using the words "i love you babyredhead" when I don't who the fuck you are is another. Identify yourself or shove off.
Whew...taking a break finally from cleaning cleaning cleaning in preparation for tonight. The place is looking better than it ever has, since I moved in. I am such a slob in denial...
Things to remember to do:
take shit to storage
take out garbage (yikes! there is a TON of it!)
go to store
get bathmat from dryer
disappear the last of the crap in my room (hardly anything)
mark our doorbell downstairs!
try to remember everything else I was gonna do...
shower and get ready
- do something about the fucking walls
(8 out of 9 == not bad)
Was listening to this song just now and I found myself half-consciously wondering if David Byrne got a kickback from Pizza Hut, Dairy Queen, 7-11, etc.
ugh...must go do-more-stuff-no-time!
I wish you all could be here...
current mood:  busy
current music: Elliott Smith -- "Alameda" (need something more upbeat...)
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| Wednesday, August 8th, 2001
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7:52 pm - Hair Poll Results - What to do with my life - Nummy popsong goodness - Purging & shopping - Word to
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Well, it looks like the results of The Great Hair Poll are either to leave it the fuck alone (with 7 votes) or braid it (with 5). I did not vote, but I have been leaning towards braiding it, adding some fake highlights in along the way and henna'ing it for a bit of color boost. And, if I go to Burning Man (see next bit) then having it braided will be a total lifesaver in the desert. So, I think that is what I shall do.
Thanks to everyone who voted. And to those of you who did not, well, bite me.
Ought I go to Burning Man? I'm not employed right now. I could do a bit of temp work between now and then if I really wanted to. I have a way to get there and at least one or two options for campsites. I wanted to go last year, but cost wae prohibitive. Also, I was in what turned out to be the last of the "giving it another shot" phases with The German. That was important enough to me still to stay for.
I need to break down exactly how much this would cost me. And I need to do that ASAP so I can make a decision. Comments are welcome and appreciated, though.
"You Were Wrong" by Built to Spill is the Song of the Week on my machine here. (Lyrics can be seen here.) The idea behind it is so gimmicky and popcult-derivative, but damn those boys know how to make a popsong a thing of beauty. The guitar work in this will haunt me for weeks, I am sure of it.
[mp3 available "for review purposes only" from me via email]
So, yeah, I have that on repeat this very second, but I have a sudden urge to listen to At the Drive-In, so I think that is all about to change...
Today the clothes. Tomorrow the Crap.
I took five smallish boxes, a 20-gallon tub & two very large bags of just clothes and shoes to Buffalo Exchange today. They did not take everything, but I did not fare poorly in the deal at all (especially given that a lot of it was nicer crap my mom had sent me that I had never worn and just did not like...free money). Tomorrow I shall donate what is left, as well as a few other odds and ends I wish to ditch, to BABES. And, then I shall be one step closer to being ready to have people over again. I have been shamefuly bad about keeping the place in liveable order.
So, after I acquired my dough, I went and got a bunch of cleansers and shit (like tile cleaner, dish and hand soap, etc.) that all smell like lavendar. So, any of you coming to my house in the near future, expect after Friday for everything to smell a bit like lavendar. From an aromatherapeutic point of view, this is a very good thing. Trust me. I also got more shit to put on the boring, empty walls.
I shall be stocking up on tonic, gin, vodka, cranberry, pineapple, & limes tomorrow...
Last, and in no fucking way least, I want to thank my friends for taking such good care of me these past few months. You guys have been my family, my cheap therapy & the foundation for reconnecting with reality. You guys fucking rule! (Especially everyone who was around last night. Thank you all. So, so much.)
Okay, food & drinky-drink time!!
current mood:  accomplished
current music: Was At the Drive-In, now it is Kleenex -- "Etoile"
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3:59 am - Song (on repeat...alll day...)
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You Were Right
You were wrong when you said
Everything´s gonna be alright
Yeah, you were wrong when you said
Everything´s gonna be alright
You were right when you said
All that glitters isn´t gold
You were right when you said
All we are is dust in the wind
You were right when you said
We are all just bricks in the wall
And when you said manic depression´s a frustrating mess
You were wrong when you said
Everything´s gonna be alright
Yeah, you were wrong when you said
Everything´s
gonna be
alright
You were wrong when you said
Everything´s gonna be alright...
You were right when you said
You can´t always get what you want
You were right when you said
It´s a hard rain´s gonna fall
You were right when you said
We´re still running against the wind
Life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone
You were right when you said:
This is the end
Do you ever think about it?
Do you ever think about it?
Do you ever think about it?
Do you ever think about it?
current mood: wrong
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| Monday, August 6th, 2001
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2:25 pm - Quote - Link - Hair Poll!
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Quote of the Day:
"85% of the population is unquestionably stupid. I'm still deciding on the rest."
Happiest thing I saw today:
http://www.dumans.iwarp.com/form20.HTML
Okay, so I am bored bored bored with my hair lately. Something must be done about it! I just don't know what. So, in my typical, indecisive way, I am turning to all of you to decide for me! Vote away! Decide my fate!
current mood:  bored
current music: Einstuerzende Neubaten -- "Ende Neu"
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| Sunday, August 5th, 2001
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2:37 pm - MASH!
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[from chrisbynum, which he got from someone else]
God, I am lame for doing this, but it looks like I am gonna have a lovely dirtball, musician existence despite the fact that I can't play a fucking thing anymore...Your husband's name is [deleted] and you have 2 children. You're a musician who drives to work every day in a blue Galaxie 500.
It's truly a wonderful life when you consider the countless romantic nights you have spent with [deleted] in your shack in CA.
current music: "Letter from an Occupant" New Pornographers
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| Saturday, August 4th, 2001
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4:56 pm - blahdy-motherfucking-blah
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Quote of the day:If Mozart makes you smarter, what does Puccini do?
Well, I have to look for a fucking job, I think. Fuck. Can I say it one more time?
fuck
I had other shit to say and now I forgot what.
I am a pottymouth! (and a kitty...and a motorboat...)
current music: Voltaire "When You're Evil" (I need more Ween!)
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3:36 pm - Let's raise our kids to be goth!
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This is from a kid's book titled Rainy Rainy Saturday by Jack Prelutsky, published in 1980. I swear it reads like a goth-in-training manual...
Sometimes
Sometimes I simply have to cry,
I don't know why,
I don't know why.
There's really nothing very wrong,
I probably should sing a song1
or run around and make some noise2
or sit and tinker with my toys3
or pop a couple of balloons
or play a game or watch cartoons,4
but I'm feeling sad,
though I don't know why,
all I want to do is cry.
Lovely...
1Probably something like Cruxshadows' "Please Leave me Alone" or something by the Cure...
2Starting them on a diet of Foetus that young could be interesting..."Here, sweetie, why don't you play with some kitchen gadgets? I'll put on your favroite album! I know you love Einstürzende Neubauten..."
3I dont even wanna think about that...this is a kid's book!
4[Invader ZIM!]
current mood:  amused
current music: Nicole Blackman/Golden Palominos -- "Metal Eye"
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| Friday, August 3rd, 2001
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11:33 am - What...the...fuck? (or, "fun" with text manglers)
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This is courtesy of http://www.antispin.net/~martine/cgi-bin/insanity.cgi?dyslexia:I will give be the story. Had a party that, long to Kill that I have seen of having pulled out with me right there looks like this is a pipe. Check out of you having pulled out of me: is not even most of me believe the state my ass before having a pipe; Dollhouse guests shall likely be so there are very few activities that in dough rae me; is not pretty good time. Sentence I need better met with geekdiva I can you go now so people; will fork over in I am most of this body is what the kind of, it To let yourself go on my parts will be a measly you not go: See it may not holding my persistent insistence that seems to let yourself go that is art in a fair few activities that comes in know my family doesn't call anymore. I smile on Oprah. I am afraid to run it a second time...
current mood:  chipper
current music: again with the Rock*A*Teens; I need new music?
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| Monday, July 30th, 2001
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4:56 pm - Another random post for another random day
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Sentence I am most inordinately proud of having pulled out of my ass before having caffeine:Forgive my persistent insistence that "the great outdoors" wholly sucks, but there are very few activities that, in my book, qualify as being "exhausting, but in a great way" and, though I must admit to having engaged in such ventures on the exterior side of exterior walls before, even those pursuits are, in my experience and opinion, better met with in the comfort and relative safety of an actual interior.
More recycling--this is from this morning, posted in the Third-Person Status Report item on drizzle:dys has the distinct feeling today is supposed to be a really kickass day but somehow her biorhythms did not get the memo.
At chair's house right now. I am making her miss Martha Stewart on Oprah. I am sure she will sneak into my house and kill me in my sleep later as that seems to be the kind of thing Martha Stewart fans do... And probably with a hatpin, through the eardum. Nice, neat, clean kill that...and hard to trace.
Speaking of clean, I must clean my house. Dollhouse guests shall likely be descending upon us on the 10th of this month. Any of you who have seen the state my shit is in know that it may well take me that long to make things presentable!
Out.
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| Sunday, July 29th, 2001
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2:59 pm
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Winner of the Best Junk Mail Received at the Dollhouse award:
(If I really have to tell you to click the damn thing to see the full-size version, then you don't deserve to see it.)
current music: Old 97's! (also coming to Bumbershoot)
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12:23 pm - WOMAD -- Keg -- Stuff
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So it looks like I get to go see Afro-Celt Sound System with Peter Gabriel tonight @ WOMAD with geekdiva! I have never experienced WOMAD. I have far too low a tolerance for hippies, see, but I guess I'll make an exception ths time. Speaking of festivals, I saw that the lineup for this year's Bumbershoot includes David Lee Roth. How can you not go see David Lee Roth @ Bumbershoot? That pushed me right off the fence; I must go now. (Seriously, there looks to be a fair few worthy acts this year, perhaps most notably: WEEN! Check out the lineup so far.)
Went to a housewarming last night. I have not been at a party that had a keg in the basement in many, many a moon. Had a pretty good time. Laughed a lot. Met some nice--and funny--people. (Props to Kill for providing the smokes, most especially.)
Got the best advice from Cyn's boyfriend the other day: Don't Get Weird.
Been hanging out with dauntus a fair amount now that we are both unemployed and live close to each other. It's nice having a partner in crime in the daytime. We saw (to steal a bad joke third-hand) Marky Mark & the Monkey Bunch on Friday. It was ---> OK. Worth seeing. Visually it's great. Helena Bonham Carter looks just like Michael Jackson, though. Best review I have seen of it so far has been the blurblette in The Stranger:The main reason to go see Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes this week is not for its splendor as escapist fun, but rather in trying to figure out just what the fuck is going on. To explain: If, somehow, you can explain the "twist" ending--and by "explain," I mean make it scientifically sound, or, if not that, at least somewhat intellectually reasonable--I will give you $100. No kidding. I will fork over $100 in dough-rae-me to the first person who makes me believe the ending makes sense. So there you go. For a measly $8 you could make $100... although I'm not holding my breath. BRADLEY STEINBACHER
See Movie Times for details; e-mail brad@thestranger.com to win.
My neck hurts. I need better pilows.
(Oh, I may or may not be able to make it to the Vogue this evening. Apologies to those of you who I told I'd go. I did not know I was going to be attending WOMAD at the time.)
current music: Rock*A*Teens!! (so fun: lost love, alcohol & car crashes!)
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| Tuesday, July 24th, 2001
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5:18 pm - Holy. Fucking. Shit.
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X at EMP 8/18/01
Yes, that's X as in the band. As in John Doe, Exene Cervenka, DJ Bonebreak & Billy fucking Zoom.
Weee-ha!
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4:09 pm - Feck!
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Add n to (x) is playing tonight at Graceland! I had thought it was on Thursday. Shit, I can't go...damndamndamn...
current mood:  frustrated
current music: The Need -- "Dear Diary"
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1:16 pm - Hands shaky, everything buzzing.. .
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Too. Much. Caffeine.
Yeeeeeeee...
It is muggy and disgusting out. Not muggy enough to be realy oppressive and miserable, just enough to make everything heavy and uncomfortable.
I need to make a phone call about a job, but I need to get my heart-rate down first...
current mood:  stressed
current music: "Buzz" -- Throwing Muses
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