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[13 Feb 2002|06:31am] I have to work Valentines Day. Jeez. That really sucks. I really need to work because she asked me about a week ago if I could, but I would like to do something with Roy. I got off at 8 though, so we should still be able to. I am still upset with him that he forgot my birthday. He's apologized and I guess I could get over it-it just is important and it slipped his mind. I must've told everyone 15 times in a 3 mile vacinity of me that it was Sunday and he still didn't remember. I burned a cd yesterday. I felt very high tech. Our new computer is godly. It took, seriously, about 4 minutes to have it converted, copied and everything. Eek Eek. I have a paper due on Thursday and a test on Friday. I am going to dye my hair this weekend because I should get an awesome check on Friday. I still don't really know what's going on with me and Roy. We talk all the time and are together all the time. I don't consider us dating and he does. He asked me out but I said I don't know. I really have no idea. To me, when we are not dating, like now, we get along great and we are happy and things are just peachy--I don't want to corrupt that with a societal catch phrase such as "he's my boyfriend". I really don't want Roy to get me anything for Valentines Day. Not only because we aren't really dating but because he thinks it's this huge commitment and hassle. All I want is for him to say he loves me. Materialistic things are overated and small gestures are underrated. over and out. beth o*neil 1 comment|post comment

[11 Feb 2002|11:08am] yesterday was fabulous. slept in. saw roy. brandon. bob. liz. gustopher. crystal. yay. things were good. im at work and nobody is here in the office so i am bored out of my mind. i am getting brandon a present today. it's not really for him, but for lauren. but he'll like it--yippie. einstein is getting fixed today. :( i hope that he's ok. it's always scared me when they put dogs/cats to sleep to get fixed. i've always worried that they won't get up and the last thing i said to einstein was "STOP !!!" because he jumped on my work clothes... going to circuit city and walmart today. over and out. beth o*neil post comment

[10 Feb 2002|12:23pm] [ mood | guilty ] [ music | jimmy eat world--"bleed american" ] My birthday has been ok so far. I got to sleep in until 9. That was nice, I usually wake up at 6 no matter what. So, I am rested. My mom is at the Mardi Gras parade with Mr. Hayden. I have to go down there at like 3 or something. I got all my hair cut off. IT'S SHORT. I like it though. The only sucky thing is that the same thing that I hate about most guy haircuts happened to mine--a bit short on the top so it poofs up. It should flatten out the next couple days. Roy said that it's really cute. Brandon said that he liked it. There, approval from the two most important people in my life--I haven't gotten to see Matticus Sexicus or Ryan yet...I wonder if they'll like it. I think my family is going to dinner tonight. I hope so. I want to take Roy and Brandon if they can come. Yay. I don't think that me and Roy are doing anything today. I don't know though. He doesn't have any money and probably won't get up until like 1 or 2. Roy told me yesterday that he considers us still dating. I don't think I do though. I don't know what I think. I still love him--things are weird and I don't know if we should be together again. I feel shitty because I gave him a really hard time about breaking up with me and now I don't know how I really feel...Shitty. Last night was good. Bob came to IHOP with us. I got nifty stuff for my birthday. Yay for presents. Yay for thinking. Yay for effort. over and out. beth o*neil 1 comment|post comment

[09 Feb 2002|06:36am] I have the Eclipse. Hung out with Roy and Felix at IHOP last night. That was fun. Almost forgot how cool Felix was until yesterday. I am giving him a 12ga or 10ga because he needs one. I have to give the ACT today---blah I am tired. Gave my car to Mike yesterday. Today I am cleaning my car, going to the KMart and taking a nap. Yesterday was a bad day. I was really irratable and Roy kept making me mad. I don't know why and I am sure that I was just in a funny mood--but he was driving my crazy. over and out. beth o*neil post comment

[08 Feb 2002|06:37am] My birthday is on Sunday!!!!!!!!!!! 3 comments|post comment

[08 Feb 2002|06:36am] [ mood | excited ] [ music | annoying computer hums ] Past couple days have sucked. The loan lady at the bank keeps telling my mom "tomorrow. it'll be tomorrow". It's been tomorrow for three days now. I think that I may really get the check and get the car tomorrow though. Yay for fast cars. Vrrrrrrmmmmm. Been going to Mike's/Brandon's/Lauren's apartment lately. That is fun. There is alyways someone there and they rock. I need to make some tapes and go to Wal Mart. I need stuff. I love spending money when I really can't afford it. over and out. beth o*neil post comment

cha cha cha.........cha cha cha [04 Feb 2002|07:43am] [ mood | busy ] [ music | fonzarellies ] Roy asked to be with me again two nights ago. I said I don't know. I want nothing more. I don't think he believes me. But how could you be with someone when it took them a week to realize they wanted you back. I would think that if it really meant that much and you cared for the person so incredibly-it would take no more than a day and you'd be just heartsick without them.... **there i go into my fantasy land again** Yesterday was ok. Barely finished my papers and terms. Took the test. It was hard. Oh well. I wanted an A but I'll take whatever I can get. Today I am supposed to call the guy with the eclipse and see it again with Mike and Roy and hopefully if Mike says it's a good car, I am going to give him the papers and have the check for him soon. Mike made me crazy yesterday. I know that he wants my car. But he is really rushing it. I still have to take it to the body shop to fix what they fucked up. I have to get the papers signed and then the check to him. And throughout all this, believe it or not, I still have a life. I have a test Wednesday and I need to do the terms today and study tomorrow. I want that eclipse just as much as he wants the Integra. But I can only do so much and I need time too to do things other than with cars. over and out. beth o*neil post comment

[03 Feb 2002|09:17am] Things are ok. Last night me and Roy went to the IHOP. Talked a little bit, fought a little bit. I told him that I don't want to make a descion about us being together until Wednesday. He's been tellig me one thing and then hours later telling me another--so this should prevent that. Give him time to think. I am going to hopefully drive an Eclipse today. Turbo. Vrrrrm. Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrm. I hope that I finish my research paper before class starts today. over and out. beth o*neil post comment

[01 Feb 2002|06:53am] my birthday is in nine days. yay. party time. excellent. 1 comment|post comment

[01 Feb 2002|06:47am] la la la la la........... I woke up this morning late but I feel good. I think Brandon is going to come with us tonight. I hope so. I got another page done on my paper. Only like 3 to do by Sunday. I can do it. We shouldn't be going out until like 9 or later---and I get off at 4 so I should get at least the thing written and just type it tomorrow and modify Brandon's too... I hope Roy calls this morning. over and out. beth o*neil post comment

[31 Jan 2002|06:54pm] tomorrow me and lauren are going out and i hope brandon goes, but i don't think that he will. i don't understand why he's upset. he says he's not. but, in my past--i have realized that when a guy says nothing is wrong, something is. but they don't tell you... other than that note, nothing is new. i was going to go and see mike today, but i shall not. maybe saturday or sunday. maybe never. i wrote roy a letter today. i wish i could see him to give it to him. i wish too much. over and out. beth o*neil post comment

web of deception [31 Jan 2002|06:56am] [ mood | Depressed///Angry ] [ music | Madonna--"like a virgin" ] Yesterday sucked. I got Roy from school and we went to his house to talk. Well, everything that I thought and feared Roy saying--was said. I guess that's good...no more fucking lying on his part. He told me that he's felt this way for a while and a buncha other horrible things. Horrible to me, just the truth to him. I can't be mad at him. Just because he doesn't care about me anymore. That's a feeling, you can't argue over an opinion. I wish alot of things between me and him right now, but overall-I wish that he could've told me sooner. And not kept saying that it was ok. Went to the mall and then back to his house. More stuff was said, he offically broke up with me. He said that until he feels differently about me, he wants to stay seperated. He said for me to give it time and he may come back. My sorry ass would probably wait months on the hope for Roy...He said that he's not going to call me for a couple days and then wants to see me on Saturday after we are cooled down. So, everything he has told me before could've been altered just so I wouldn't get upset...I really don't know. What's the truth? I can't see the truth in the web of deception. People keep bringing up the fact that Roy did this same thing to Jessica, except with me-he did it like 2 weeks sooner. So, that hurt me-we are two totally different people are our relationships were totally different. But, people keep wanting to stress that this isn't the first time. That hurts. To be just another number on the wall or some shit. People who have just gotten their heart broken like 9 seconds ago, don't want to hear "Well, you know he did this same thing to Jessica..." Yeah, I fucking know and I don't wanna think about it. He said that he didn't know if we could hang out on my birthday. "it may be weird". So, we'll see. I was hoping that he wouldn't be like this. But that's ok. I think the only reason I would be sad is because my birthday would also be our 9 month anniversary...Happy fucking birthday. I sound like a sailor. over and out. beth o*neil post comment

hopelessly in love... [31 Jan 2002|06:35am] [ mood | confused ] [ music | Jimmy Eat World ] Me and Mike were talking about this word "hopelessly in love" and what it meant. no hope for you to fall in love? can't do anything about the person you love? love the person no matter what? have no expectations in your relationship? Well I think it's no. 3. You love the person no matter what happens. No matter what they say, do or act...you love that person irregardless. I wish some people would understand that to it is a real feeling. I truly feel that way. "oh get over it", "it's going to get better", "you should move on", "forget about them"...That is shit. You can't just turn off your love for someone. At least I can't. If you can just make yourself not love a person the way you used to, you weren't really in love with them. I hope that this feeling is just something not all people know about yet and I hope that they feel it soon. Everyone should feel that way about someone. I hope it's not that noone believes I could care for someone this much. Some kind of friend that would be. over and out. beth o*neil post comment

blah blah blah [30 Jan 2002|06:52am] Well yesterday was one of the most interesting days I have had in a while.... Went out with Matt and Charlene, saw Chris. I got my car back. Talked to Mike alot. That was nice. Me and Roy still aren't really talking. I wrote him a letter and I don't think he liked it because he didn't really talk to me after that. And, when I went to drop him off he didn't hug me. He said before, that he'd always hug me. And he didn't. So, I dunno. Maybe he wasn't thinking. Maybe he doesn't care. I wanted to talk to him last night but he was kinda tired. Hopefully tonight. I am going to see Mike again today. We ran my car last night and it did 17 seconds. That's really good for a stock granny car. I told Mike that he should sleep on the couch in the apartment and let me move into his room. Because he already just sleeps on the couch and it would lower rent for everyone...I hope he thinks about it. I am serious. I could move out tomorrow...I really want to. He may have just been joking but he said "possibly". Me and Lauren are going to hang out on Thursday. I need girl advice. over and out. beth o*neil post comment

[28 Jan 2002|10:51pm] i wish i could predict the future. i'd like to know what i am going to screw up next. beth post comment

well it's better than a roller coaster off its track. [28 Jan 2002|10:36pm] [ mood | emotionally exhausted ] [ music | pistols-"problems"***garbage-"stupid girl" ] today was better than yesterday i guess. roy calledthis morning, i got upset. he seemed so casual like nothing had happened. maybe it's his way of moving on...i dunno. i am probably an over-emotional girl and that's ok. i saw him at school in the morning because i needed my high school transcript for my job, he looked past me. he called after school and said that he wanted to go back out. that yesterday was the biggest mistake of his life...i went over there and he was upset. he told me that he wanted to get back together. i don't know though. how could telling someone you don't love them anymore be an accident? i am thinking hopefully that he didn't mean it like that. but he told me again tonight that he doesn't love me anymore. he just likes me. so it proves, it couldn't be an accident. so, i told him i dunno what to do and that we should be friends for a while. so, here we are-friends and i don't know how to act around him, what to call him, how to say goodbye. it feels so wrong to just leave him saying "later". tonight i saw jessica at the thrift store with her mom and i couldn't speak to her. all i could say was hi. this roy thing is killing me. it's not really his fault. not mine either, i don't think. i guess two people just need some space sometimes. it doesn't seem like a roy thing to do to throw away a 9 month relationship. i am going to get down to the bottom of this. i feel like nancy drew. damn, i thought i was getting better at this relationship thing. over and out. beth o*neil 4 comments|post comment

Well everything officially sucks. [27 Jan 2002|11:43pm] Today was alright. Last day of class and I made $18. But then the night from Hell began. I go to Roy's I haven't seen him all day. We chat, smoke, and then fight. And fight. And fight. And it started because I was talking about Brandon and Lauren. Then we talked about Jessica. Then, it began...He said that he just didn't love me the way he used to. And that it makes sense not to see someone you constantly argue with. Yeah, it makes sense but I didn't want to ever get there. And he said that he hasn't told me any of this because he didn't want to break up and I feel cheated. He said that he's been thinking about it more and more lately and then all day today. When I wasn't with him. I feel cheated. I HATE THE HEADACHE YOU GET AFTER YOU CRY. I don't understand guys. Maybe it's all guys. Maybe it's just Roy. He hugged me. I cried because that may be the last time he holds me...Damnit, there I go again. It was 11 and he was tired and said he should go to bed and that I should go home. We've never parted like that. Then he walked me to my car and said "i'll see you later". What is that? I don't understand what I did so horrible for him to not love me as much. I don't think I did anything and now I feel pathetic because I love him so much and he doesn't even want to accept it. I have a Valentines' Day present that I was going to give him and now I don't know if I should...We were gonna go to the beach, it's my birthday in two weeks, we were going to see Kung Pow, we were going to see NOFX. Nothing matters anymore. Anything I do relates to him. Everything I see around my room, reminds me of him. I wanted to talk to Brandon, but he's probably with Lauren. I wanted to see Matt, but he's probably with Charlene. I don't wanna cause anymore problems in relationships. I can't seem to keep one myself. I just wish I knew what the problem was so I could fix it and see Roy again. over and out. beth o*neil 11 comments|post comment

"Party time...Excellent...." [26 Jan 2002|07:48am] Last night*** Stimpy always has fun parties. The only two things that sucked was that I have to go to school today at 9 so I couldn't get wasted or even just hang out late. The other thing is that Roy was drunk upon immediate arrival. This is sucky because I will barely see him tonight and not Sunday at all. Oh well. Priorities priorities. Lauren and Brandon came. That was fun. Lauren rocks. She was evil. Not horribly evil or to me, but enough to notice...yay. Billy said that he may be able to go to the Suicide Machines and Catch 22 on Tuesday at the Shim Sham. That would be awesome. He said he'd call. But, he's a guy. So we'll see...It'd be fun though. I really wanna see the Suicide Machines. Me and Lauren made a "hot things about guy list". Yeah, I know it's soooo 7th grade. But it's neato because we have alot of things in common. Off center lip rings, hoodies, chucks...mmmmm. Enough silly talk for now. over and out. beth o*neil post comment

[24 Jan 2002|06:38am] [ mood | sad ] Well, the Acura GSR wasn't really a GSR. My dream car wasn't there and now I have to continue searching. I was/am really upset. I took the day off work. Stopped everything I could've/should've been doing and I got shot down. It seems to me that whenever I get excited, something breaks my heart . I would like to be hopeful about somethings-but I just get the shaft. I went to Roy's late and he was pissy-then like a dork I cried because of my shitty day and he just walked away. No hug. No "its ok". Blah. I just wanted to hug him and cry. But he wouldn't let me. He was tired...BLAH BLAH BLAH. over and out. beth o*neil 1 comment|post comment

[23 Jan 2002|07:19am] I think I am really making Lauren upset. And I'm not even doing anything. I tell Brandon to see her. I tell her I don't want to hurt their relationship. But, she just seems mad that Brandon comes over. But, I am not doing it. Most of the time he's here, I am asking where she is. I love spending time with him and goofing off--but I am not his no. 1 priority anymore...I wish that she could see that. I really didn't think I was a huge problem. I know Brandon really does care for her alot, and she for him--it just seems that the only time she gets mad at him is when she gets pissed and just throws it back in his face. over and out. beth o*neil 6 comments|post comment

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