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LiveJournal for MARiA.
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| Thursday, November 15th, 2001 |
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| i hate it when people make tasteless arguements. |
| Wednesday, November 14th, 2001 |
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pineal gland....3rd eye.... i am one in myself. i take whatever needs to be forgotten and i blow it up. i blow it up up and send it up up and away. that way, it isn't forgotten. if it needs to be remembered, it is retrievable. can't lose it. cant lose anything. i cant wait until the end of the semester because: 1. STEPHANIE IS COMING BACK (?) 2. i am getting out of psychology 3. i am getting out of drivers ed 4. it will be halfway through the school year 5. although i am not doing bad right now, i have a chance to start over i cant wait to get out of psychology!!! i hate the subject, i hate the people, i dont like the teacher very much. i HATE the people in that class SO much! they are so god damn dumb. "where did all the stupid people come from? how did they get to be so dumb?" -nofx RIGHT ON! i just wanna go up to people. smack them, and ask why they are SO STUPID! and im not trying to insult them or start anything but seriously, the kiddies in my psych class are SO FUCKING IGNORANT!!! so FUCKING ANNOYING!!! i dont know how people can stand being themselves!! and what makes it worse is that people are saying the same thing about me!!! grr. everyone in their own mind is right...usually. i would just like to be one of those idiots one day, just to see what goes on in their head. not BE one of them, maybe just read their minds. just to see what it is that they think that makes them so dumb. i mean really, what are they thinking??? do they know that they are a fucking moron??? i dont, so i guess they dont either. which is too bad for them because they think they are okay. are they satasfied with themselves? are they trying to be less ignorant? these are the questions i would love to ask people!!! and they are innocent questions, like i said, im not trying to insult anyone. but of course they would be offended so ill just have to keep my curious little mouth shut. unless....i dont really care if they get mad....maybe i will ask a few people why they are so dumb. or if they know they are so dumb, and THEN ask why they are that way, and if they are trying to alleviate themselves from stupidity. i think i know why i am not improving on my writing. first of all i dont practice that much. and also i think i lack that creativity. im not good with words. i was in english class and he was talking about good authors and how stylistically they write and i dont think i could ever develop a good writing style. the stuff i wrtie is kind of random. i have no style. i dont know how to go about getting it. and yes i know, keep on writing keep on writing and there is no store where i can buy skill. ill just be patient and let myself grow into the writer i would like to see myself as. but it sucks because like, like the beginning of that one story that i put in here. i mean, what the hell was that?? where the hell was that going?? where the hell COULD it have gone (AND make a good story)?? NO WHERE! i should have seen that. im not good at stories. i am better at poems. even at that my poems suck. i have no creativity. i can keep on striving to be that ideal writer that i can see myself as....i dont know how far i'll get though. i hafta stop trying to much. i just need to let it flow and stop trying to make iit ideal, i just need to make it. i willl stop complainiing for now, i have found my answer. |
| Tuesday, November 13th, 2001 |
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the memorial service for jenny's parents is tomorrow, and the funeral is on saturday. maybe after the funeral i will feel better. i had a lot to write....i can't remember it. im not gonna work on that story that i put in here earlier, i can't tihnk of where its going. i mean, not much can happen that would make a good story. AAAGHH STEPH IS ONLINE!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::::::BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE:::::: i get excited when i hear from her!!!!! awww shes living at HOME!! and its not a drug house or a brothel!!! hooray!!!! and shes still going to school and trying to go to wilson 2nd semester!!!!!! and shes been clean for 12 days!!!!!!!!!!! YAY now im excited!!!!! aww!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!! gotta go! |
| Friday, November 9th, 2001 |
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p.s. how ironic, i JUST visited the rancid webpage and here's what it said: Happy Birthday Rob. R.I.P. we miss you also thats the first time where they had anything saying something that showed that things happen in their life. like on lars's birthday....it just had a daily quote like usual. |
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before you know it BAM she's dead BAM he's dead BAM you're dead BAM and we all fall down who's gonna pick us up? no one BAM we're all dead two things. i don't know whether i should start with the good news or the bad news. if i start with the good news and end with the bad news, it leaves people with a bad feeling. if i start with the bad news and end with the good news, i feel insensitive to the bad news by changing to mood from melancholy to happy. ill start wit the good news first because it would be in chronological order...although the bad news was happening the same time as the good news, but i found out the bad news today and the good news was last night. i went to the flogging molly show last night!!!! actually it was the madcap/one man army/flogging molly/bouncing sould show. it was AWESOME to say the LEAST. the only bad part was when i was about to pass out in the crowd from lack of food. it was really bad, i could barely see or hear anything clearly and had to stagger over to the back to sit down. i felt i was gonna pass out and i was scared because i didnt want to be crushed or anything. if i had stayed in the pit a minute longer i would passed out. bad bad bad. a great part was that the SECOND i walked in, ONE MAN ARMY started to play my FAVORITE song by them. i didnt even know they were gonna be there!!1 I LOOOOOOVE THEM!!!!!!! i got a flogging molly tank top and underwear set, a flogging molly pin and a one man army pin!!! the show was great!!!! bad news. jenny's parents got killed last night in a car accident last night. they were driving home from palm springs for the CIF championship game. jenny got released this afternoon, she has cuts and bruises, but nothing life threatening. diane has a broken collar bone and she is at home. jennys brother flew out from Yale University. i just can't believe that theyre gone. there are two specific things i remember about them. her mom was always there at the golf course every day without fail. and she brought thai food sometimes for jenny when she was going to play a game. she was such a good mom, she was involved an anything jenny did, and im sure tommy too. she would say hi to us every time she had a chance and asked how we were doing. she...gosh, she was SUCH A GOOD mom!!!! i barely knew her but just seeing her there all the time, even days without a game, and the way her daughter is, her son is in YALE. gosh.... i also remember jenny telling me how she got into golf. her dad plays golf, and she was at the driving range with him when she was about, 7 i think. and she asked her dad if she could hit a ball, and he did. and boy did she hit it...he immediately saw her talent, and got her her own set of clubs. thats what most parents DON'T do! they don't see their kids' talents. if they do, they don't act upon it. so she started playing golf, and she became the best on her high school team. and her parents got killed on the way home from a game. her dad owns Bob's Liquor stroe, the one near staples on Ximeno and PCH. i have never known someone that died. i don't evne feel right saying i know her parents. i found out in history when jessica and ruthie came into class to get me. i was shocked, but i didn't feel anything. i went back in class and thought about it, and had to leave for the bathroom because i was going to burst into tears. right when i opened the door ruthie and jessica were walking back, and ruthie went into the bathroom with me and jessica went home. i took my test. i started crying at lunch again. there was a meeting at the golf course so i ditched ron's class and walked up to the golf course. everyone was crying, ace was crying, barry and traci were bawling. coach was even trying to hide that he was crying. so i cried again. then ruthie and i went into the proshop and talked to enda for a while, then the restaraunt where we saw amy and she asked us how we were doing. in the restaraunt we saw joe, and he tried to makeus feel better, he was sad too though. everyone up there seemed really affected by this, im not surprised. gosh i can't believe this.... ruthie came over after school and we called dianne, but no one picked up the phone. i left a message giving her our phone numbers and letting her know that we wanted to see how she was doing. we also called aaron. he doesnt work at big rec anymore, he works at skylinks, so we called there. he heard about what happened and we talked to him about it. he was really upset to and thanked us for calling him. i really miss him. him and jenny were close, i dont know if he was close to her parents, but i know he talked to them. so before you know it BAM she's dead BAM he's dead BAM you're dead BAM and we all fall down who's gonna pick us up? no one BAM we're all dead |
| Wednesday, November 7th, 2001 |
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i've decided im a crappy writer, so to develop my writing skills, i've decided to compose a short story. it's not done yet. so read, criticize, tell me you love it, tell me it's shit, but if you're going to do either, tell me WHY. WHY do you love it? WHY is it shit? i don't wanna hear any empty opinions. if you can't tell me WHY, don't tell me ANYTHING. Her heart was pumping. Another rush of blood appeared where she removed the piercing blade. Her tongue was put up to its sweetness and withdrawn again, just as the blade had done. Bitter tears glistened on her cheeks in her candlelit bedroom. “Party this Wednesday, you going?” “Who, where, how much?” Georgie was not about to let herself get caught up in another one of these shallow parties after what happened to her last time. “Stop it,” she had said. “Come on, just a little dry something, I promise I won’t go any further than that,” she had felt his warm breath on her neck and smelled the vodka that lingered heavily on his breath. “No. Fuck off.” “You’re gonna wish you hadn’t told me to.” And with that he had a pillow stuffed into her mouth and her wrists pinned underneath his booted feet. It was barely a struggle for him to get her skirt up and her underwear down. He barely heard her muffled screams as his drunken body moved ferociously into hers. “You liked that didn’t you?” He slapped her across her wet, salty face. “If you tell that bitch friend Marty of yours, or anyone for that matter, expect to get something a lot worse than this.” He staggered out the door, chuckling to himself. “Alli Lyell, 4th and Garden, 3 bucks unlimited booze, pot, and anything else anyone has as long as you can figure out who’s holding.” “I’ll see.” “Come on, you already missed 3 of the best parties! You can’t miss this one too!” Marty pestered. “I said ‘I’ll see’!” “Why the fuck don’t you ever go anywhere anymore? Ever since you got laid by that fucker Quentin you think you’re shit now, don’t you?” “Got laid?” she asked. “Got laid?” she screamed. “Is that what he’s been telling everyone?!” Marty nodded humbly. “And it took me THIS long to find out?!” Marty winced; her shrill voice resonated through his ears as he fumbled in his mind for the right words. “No. Georgie, no. He just let it out earlier, in 2nd period. He said…he said that at McGregor’s party, about a month ago, he said that you guys…you know…and that the reason you don’t show up at any parties anymore is because…and this was really stupid of him to say, he said because you think you weren’t good enough for him and didn’t want to see him. Because you’re embarrassed. And he said that you should be and that he’s glad he hasn’t seen you around.” Georgie calmed down. She had to think rationally, it wasn’t really the right time to be yelling at her best friend. Had it been a worse day for her, she would be doing the latter. “I don’t know if laid is the correct term…” she thought aloud. “What do you mean? Did you just give him head or something?” “I didn’t give that fucker anything!!!” She burst out; she was shaking all over and trying to hold back the accumulating tears. Marty cowered back. “Georgie, what do you mean? What happened?” She painfully recollected the event of that night. Georgie found comfort in Marty’s warm arms and hid in them, hoping they would chase everything away. Marty, thinking the same way Georgie had, found that this was not the right time to yell and threaten. Instead, he ran his fingers through her hair and said: “Do you wanna tell someone?” “I can’t; I told you what he said. I can’t.” “Who gives a fuck what the hell he said? He’s a heartless, drunken bastard!” Georgie continued to cry. “No! I can’t tell anyone! Please don’t tell anyone!” “Georgie are you listening to yourself? Look at me,” he pried her from his arms and made him face her. She shied away from his piercing stare until she realized that she wouldn’t be going anywhere until she discontinued to do so. “Are you hearing yourself?” “I don’t wanna tell anyone. I promise it’ll be okay. Please, Marty, please don’t tell anyone.” She begged with her words, her expression, her whole body got down as low as it could and begged him. He wouldn’t tell for now. A promise? Only for now. “How long is for now?” “Until it gets worse.” “That’s not enough.” “It’s all I’m going to give you.” |
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breaking slightly to the left thousands of words scatter shatter with every inhale exhale dozens of eyes watching waiting to see her stumble crumble it's time now to step down and become part of the masses the light has burned out and she has gone with it expect nothing it's what you're getting |
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| i feel cold. my breath is short and my heart is pumping fast. my brain is numb and i am speechless. this class is killing me. |
| Thursday, November 1st, 2001 |
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i hate it when people try to impress me. i hate it when people try to impress others. i hate it when i do it. painting nails is a good way to see how longs and fast my nails grow. mine have grown about a millimeter since i last painted them, about a week ago. not bad. i have an attitude now. i found out this morning from my mum. and it makes herso mad that i am so defiant. what i do has surpassed everything my sisters have done. the things i do ar a lot worse than coming home at five in the morning, or sometimes not at all for days at a time! the things i say ("fine i wont eat then!!") are much worse than what my sisters have said ("you guys are lousy parents!!") all the times i've lied to them (about once a month, at tops) is a million times more than when my sisters have (every day) i cant believe she said that to me! and then she tries to give me some guilt trip about her being so upset and stressed out and to top it all off she has to deal with a kid with an attitude. attitude my ass!! i can show her a fucking attitude!!! i know that what my sisters have done totally hurt(s) my mom and my dad! so im trying the best i can to avoid them having to deal with that shit again!!! and what do i get in return?? "you know you have such a big attitude! im stressed out, we have no money and all you can do is yell about everything!" yell about everything??? my mom asks me "do you want me to cook chicken for dinner?" i say "yeah" later she says "your sister is going to bring home food. im not going to cook" i say "ok" my sister comes home and asks what i want. she says she is going out to dinner first and will be back before she gets me food because im not hungry yet. i say "ok" when i start to get hungry, i am home alone and my sister isnt picking up her cell phone. theres nothing worth eating in the house. my mom comes home. "did gloria buy you anytihng?" i say "no shes not home and not picking up her phone" my mom says "do you want me to cook you chicken?" i say "ok" she comes back and says "lets go get soemthing i dont want to cook." i say "i dont want to go anywhere i have a bunch of homework." she says "theres no rice. i cant cook you chicken. let's go get you some food." i say "no i have a lot of homework" she gets mad. "fine dont eat anything" i go "fine! i wont eat anything!!" whens the last time ive yelled at her before that? over summer. i tihnk the beginning f summer. and then she has the nerve to tell me that i have an attitude the next morning. BULL SHIT |
| Wednesday, October 31st, 2001 |
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this is ironic. another halloween and i'm crying again and wanting to cut myself again, but this time i have to have some self control. which is hard because i just thought of a fun new way i could cut, but i can't do it. i want to, but i know i shouldn't. i know that if i just do one little slice, i'll stop being upset, stop being hungry, and i can continue with my loads of homework. but instead i choose to torture myself with the thought of a relieving blade to my skin. but why? because its socially unacceptable that one mutilates oneself? because people will think about and look at me funny? because people will tihnk im depressed and suicidal? far from suicidal. far from this world far far farther away i will have to discuss this with my conscience. it's my id vs. superego. who's gonna win....... if i can hold back until tomorrow, i won't have to worry about this anymore. but...i haven't done it since, what? february? march? just one little cut......NO. no no no no no no no why is it wrong? |
| Monday, October 29th, 2001 |
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i just deleted everything i wrote. i didn't like it. i am a crappy writer and have yet to improve. drastically. repitition. reptition. repition. reiterate my words. let them reverberate through your ears. kill me. break the glass of time and stop it. freeze us in this one moment of perfection and euphoria. feel that rush of sensation throughout your body? blood crashing around the conduits of your whole wait to burst open as free as the midnight air. don't leave me here. i can't be on my own. i need you. i need your stable hand to hold. your comforting words to guide me. i am not independant. i never will be. i would think that after wearing jerry's bracelet for almost a year i would know the pattern of the beads un the (un)likely event that it falls apart. not so. he scared me yesterday by telling me that he got justine pregs. i was a bit hesitant to believe him and was right to be so. as little as we talk now that he has justine and i have adam, i know i am his #1 and he is my #1. it feels like a friday because it is cold. i can only wish it was. it's merely monday. it is 4:39. i have about two hours until an unsurprising surprise knocks on my window. unsurprising because i know he is coming. a surprise because he always makes me smile. i have homework now. p.s. 10 days until flogging molly!!!!!!! |
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i can't be neutral. i either have to hate something or love something. i don't know why. i just can't fluctuate my feelings every day, every month. its just too much. i cant be content knowing that i won't know whether i will love something one day or hate it. so what am i suppose to do? get rid of it altogether? seems like the only answer. i'll never have to deal with it again. but...what about all those times that i loved it? what about all those times? i can't just burn those away too. keep it all? but...what about those times i hated it? i can't just keep those. wait a little longer? how long have i been waiting? and how long until i get an answer? and if i wait some more, that makes me neutral. i can't be neutral. |
| Sunday, October 28th, 2001 |
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the 311 show is on wednesday and thursday....can't go =( damn it!!!!! well i guess its ok because ive seen them live before, and shows are always great, but...they arent too energetic. but a 311 show would still begreat because its fun to sing along to live bands. RANCID 311 weezer anti-flag limbeck nofx tsol h2o the vandals afi one man army green day mxpx new found glory (stupid fuckers) hmm, the only reason ive seen all those bands live is because the warped tour always has em all. i can't remeber all the rest. i need to start going to more shows. AGH IM GOING TO A FLOGGING MOLLY SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tired of talking about shows. drinking coffee on an empty stomach is great. its fun. try it. i don't really feel like writing much right now. i don't feel like doing anything piss off |
| Friday, October 26th, 2001 |
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i was standing in line at the bank today and there was this man standing behind me with his, five or so year old son. he asks me if i am ready to "join the ministry." i think he said ministry, it was hard to understand him. and i said "excuse me?" and he repeated himself. and i said "whats that?" because i am always interested in what people are doing with their lives, what they are standing for, etc. so i tried very hard to comprehend what he what saying for he wasn't speaking very clearly. and he said (from what i could decipher) "its a 'death to the arab' kind of thing. like how they promote 'death to americans' and they kill women and children and its wrong. so there is a protest going on for death to arabs." and he explained himself further and its hard for me to remeber because as ahard as i was listening, he was really hard to understand. so then he says "so are you ready to join the ministry?" andi say "i don't think so." and he smiles and says "why not?" and i say "i dont really believe in death to anyone." and he sort of smirks at that and says "but look what they did" or something along the lines of that and then my teller was ready so i had to leave. that was my adventure of the day. before i felt useless, because i didnt have a job, i just went to school and whatever. but right now i am on the right track of actually doing soemthing meaningful. im not doing as much as other kiddies my age, but i am starting. i have attened 6 nccj meetins, at a total of 26 hours, and i am volunteering for toys for tots soon. as much as i hate this world, i can feel better knowign that i did something to make it better. also i will be attending nccj camps soon and that will further extend my community service.as soon as i am done doing toys for tots, i am going to do something else because i don't wanna overload myself with too much extra stuff because then i get all dramatic and stressed out about having too much to do. so i am taking this one thing at a time. as good as britney spears songs are, she is fucked up. and i cant say that theyre are HER songs because she doesnt write them and the only reason they probably sound good is because of voice enhancers. "i ain't no artist just a business man, no ideas of my own" -DK making fun of the mainstream music industry. and jeez, its so true. i havent been in an AOL chat room for years. lets se whats going on. wow maybe this is why i dont go in here. heh i went into a tool website and the people in there sounded too much like brian and one sn was something VW and it reminded me too much of brian and adam and jerry although 2 of 3 dont have VWs anymore. just tool and VWs, too adamish and brianish. so now imm in a toadies website although i dont know who the toadies are, and its cool because they seem like a band i would like from the explanations of the band i have heard. well maybe not LIKE, but they are not some dumb poppy band. how odd that i randomly pick a chat room of a band that is "punk rockabilly and roll." the toadies. strange. so desensitized so dehumanized why stop and think when yuo can find some place to go? -Op Iv time to go. chat rooms are lame, won't be in there for another couple years until i wanna refresh my memory of how lame they are. bye everyone and hope you have a great weekend. |
| Thursday, October 25th, 2001 |
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when something doesnt go my way i do 1 of 2 things: i succumb to the fact that i lost, sometimes because i actually did lose, sometimes because i don't feel like standing up, sometimes because i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, sometimes for something else or i fight for what i am standing for in the first place. it may get harsh, i may get mad, i may get hurt. that's what happens when i have an opinion. i am doing good at using the "i" statements i learned at those nccj meetings. conversation today in german: i am tired of giving my gum away. its MY gum! -me why? -anonymous because its MY gum! everytime i have gum EVERYONE says 'can i have a piece? i hate it! -me it's only like, 5 cents a piece - anonymous then they can go get their own fucking gum! -me well, what if they don't have the luxury of affording their own gum? -anonymous too fucking bad! -me geez now that's called selfish -anonymous its called MY gum! -me anyway i don't mind giving my gum to people i care about. but random people in class that see that i have gum, they can go fuck themselves and if they dont 'have the luxury of affording gum' then they have other things to worry about. i feel like being a bitch and offending some random people so im going to go reply to peoples journals. |
| Wednesday, October 24th, 2001 |
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monday was the lsat nccj meeting. im kinda sad because they were fun and i won't ever see cute girl jen and her friend cute girl danielle and their little friend and they're all so cute and i hope we end up at the same camp together. a couple nights ago, saturday i tihnk, i was having one of those cry-out-all-my-problems cries. it felt good. i had one last night too. i was trying to go to sleep last night when something popped into my head. i lit some candles and wrote it down: when i was little my daddy used to tell me that if my feet were hanging over the edge of my bed, mice would come up and eat my toes when i was asleep now i don't even let my feet touch the footboard of my bed when i was little my mum would teasingly scare me by telling me that there were ghosts waiting for me at night beyond the threshold of my bedroom door with long hair and slender fingers and bulging eyes now i am scared to leave my bedroom when everyone is asleep the next time my daddy comes home, i will say, "see you later, Alligator" when he leaves. that is what i wrote when i was trying to go to sleep last night and something popped into my head so i lit some candles and wrote. just because shes tuna doesn't mean she has a last name i was thinking of cute girl danielle and the tuna i had bought earlier that day when i went grocery shopping with mum and how i heard them say danielle's last name. i was in one of those still conscious but asleep stages, you know? where im JUST about to fall asleep but i can hear what's going on around me and can decide if i want to fall asleep or wake up. that state of mind usually happens during class. and im dreaming but conscious. its cool my nails are red. i can still taste the english muffin that i had this morning soaked with butter. yummmm actually english muffins taste kinda funny. but they are good. i dunno theyre kinda weird. they're all chewy but crunchy and buttery its weird. jonathan moved into joe's neighborhood corrinne is going to volunteer with me for toys for tots. =) keri is going to submit to my indie 'zine and likes the name counterclockwork brian is a big fan of the name counterclockwork grachel is getting good grades and i am giving her $ for it because her parents don't mike has not done his lab for science melissa just got home from work and is extremely tired adam is going to call me back in the midst of talking to all these people, i feel very alone. i feel like all these people that are standing next to me aren't standing next to me at all. i feel like if i fell down, there would not be someone on all sides ready to catch me. i feel like i am the only here for myself. i am not excited. i am not lethargic. i am not in between. i am not warmed by the fire of diverse friends from different regions of life. i am shivering from the cold planted around me for the lack of anything else to plant. tomorrow marks the 5th month that adam and i have been together!!!!! i don't know why i just said that i feel very alone. i don't. i have know idea why i said that. its totally not true. well, i KNOW its not true....but i do feel that way. and i know i shouldnt and i know its very wrong and ungrateful. i have the best friends anyone could ever ask for and i love evey single one of them so much but thats not gonna stop me from feeling alone. i just feel isolated from everyone. maybe its because i am very tired and have been sitting in front of the computer for an hour and a half and am in a very dreamlike state where everything seems surreal. maybe that's why i feel so airy and...alone. i know in a normal situation i would not normally feel like this. i have never talked to so many people online at once in a very long time. that reminds me of when i first got the internet and i took great advantage of being able to talk to all my friends at once. now i am only online to check my mail and check the rancid website and update my journal. right now i am talkign to keri about her quasi-boyfriend with brown hair and blue eyes. brown hair and (green) eyes. make me smile and curl up and giggle even. i am very happy. |
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10:48 pm 10/23/01 i wanna turn on the light chase away the darkness i wanna be able to see them to see you but i can't reach the switch i am too small too alone too weak every time i am just barely there something knocks me over someone kicks me down and i fall again am wounded again crumble again i have to build my self up stronger than that something stronger than that someone and i will turn on that light and chase it all away 10:54 pm 10/23/01 i coulda worded this one better...the light switch tihng is kinda cheesy, but whatever |
| Tuesday, October 23rd, 2001 |
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9:55 pm if you trip and stumble and fall i will catch you if you are depressed and hurt and crying i will hold you if there is no one left for you and everyone that has stood for you has fallen down and left i will be standing in the back of your field of fallen soldiers watching you and waiting to be there for you 9:57 pm i just wrote that. im not sure what i think of it, i could've written i better but i dont feel like editing right now. i just feel like writing whatever comes to mind. write write write. 10:14 pm succumb to my thumb give me your sould and i will control you and perhaps i will kill you in the process of but all fear aside you are mine and for it i will love you hold you as long as you do so in return because i have the power i mean, you did succumb to my thumb 10:19pm i dunno what the fuck that one's about gotta go |
| Monday, October 22nd, 2001 |
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i am sleepy. i got a 105 out of 100 on my intermediate algebra test!!!!! YAY i am sick too. oh fuck i just remembered that i have a lab to do. thanks adam for using my computer last night =) it'll help me greatly. MUAH! i was correcting tests in mr. he's class today. i hate it because all the kids think that since im a kid too, they can give me their paper and i'll drop the paper i'm correcting and do theirs. sorry. uh uh. so i was walking out of class and this dumb ass chick says "do you know which problems i missed?" so obviously, i switch to bitch mode and quickly say "um no. i don't know who you are." and walk away before she even realized i said something because she wasn't even paying attention to me. of course i don't know which problems you missed bitch!!! one because i don't even know who the fuck you are, nor do i care, two because i don't take mental notes of which idiot missed which problem. that test is so fucking easy i finished in like, 15 minutes and got a 105 out of 100. and these fuckers take the whole goddamn period and still get 60s. i grade them because i finish so fucking early and the points are lost like that. ::::snap::::: i don't get how they do it. and im sure theyre just as awed by me being able to do it as i am about them not. fucking morons i swear. so anyway i was doing this thing for pshycology and i had to draw little pictures incorporating a prefab picture into my drawing. according to that, i am a nonconformist, not self-centered, not sociable, below average in my interest in sex, and not mechanical. there was one more but ididnt have enough time to finish it, but that rates my creativity and i know im creative. no point in doing it now because i already know what it means. oh fuck i didn't even know its already 5:30!!!!! i have a meeting at 6!!!! bye!!!!!!!!!!! |
| Sunday, October 21st, 2001 |
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have you ever just been lying in bed thinking about everything and started to cry? and you curl up into a tiny little ball and just sob everything away because this world is so harsh and its only for the strong and at that moment you feel so weak. and you think about how alone you feel. how you don't want to deal with the next day, week, month. and how your whole house is so empty. and about the guys that got shot on your street. and how we don't see it, but the whole world is in chaos. and how you don't want anything to change for the fear of it becoming worse. and there's nothing you can do. and how you don't wanna leave the comforts of your warm blanket and you just wanna cry and cry forever because there's nothing else worth doing. and then your phone rings and you hear that special voice and just like that, you're smiling again. has that ever happened to you? |
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LiveJournal for MARiA.
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amused.
tired.
indifferent.
melancholy.
pissed off.
hungry.
confused.
groggy.
bitchy.
giggly.