[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]
Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in
patchwork girl's LiveJournal:
| Monday, February 19th, 2001 | |
| 8:26 pm | i stood there on her porch aa her door closed. watched the lights go out inside her house. and i sat on the front steps and cried because i missed her...that life. looked up at the stars and thought about how far away they were. i'd never touch them. looked at my feet. worn shoes. nothing to show for it with the exception of worn footprints. my hands, with nails too long to play guitar tomorrow. the clothes that i'll never feel right in. photographs in my wallet. people who are much better at l i v i n g...... Current Music: bedhead- rest of the day |
| 7:19 pm | dear mom, don't worry...... I'M NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF!!! |
| Wednesday, February 14th, 2001 | |
| 9:24 pm | "oh what a shame that your pockets did bleed on st. valentines." amidst all the couples reaffirming their attraction to each other and the singles wallowing in their lonliness and self-pity, sits me, not giving a damn. i'm not the one in red, not the one reciting poetry, not the one walking arm-in-arm with that special boy or girl. i'm just partially here, the way i am every other day, thinking about things when i'm supposed to be paying attention to whatever they're trying to teach me. for some reason, it just doesn't seem that important to me. jeez....i need to go on a date. |
| Tuesday, February 13th, 2001 | |
| 6:06 pm | in a strange room you must empty yourself for sleep. and before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. and when you are emptied for sleep, you are not. and when you are filled with sleep, you never were. i don't know what i am. i don't know if i am or not. just a few lines from what i was reading today. i thought they were interesting. |
| Wednesday, February 7th, 2001 | |
| 1:08 pm | p.s. fosterdavejessechris (i got everyone, right?) |
| Tuesday, February 6th, 2001 | |
| 7:45 pm | pink bathroom w a l l s jay picks me up on saturday night and we speed up the darkened hill of route 32, past street lights, gas stations. we get to liz's house. i open the car door and stand outside on top of the accumulated snow, watching a silhouette of natalie through the bedroom window. my boot penetrates the crust so i run through the powder underneath to the front steps where her shadow waits in the doorway. greeted by warmth and a hug as always and then, whispers about laura, whom i don't know. she had taken 5 chlonopin and was upstairs, the pretentious artist, on liz's bed. cautious up her narrow stairs into the lamp-lit bedroom to see natalie and her former doll, who speaks in calm, drifting terse, draped over worn sheets. we sit on the carpet, making meandering conversation and eyeing the big-ass bottle of cheap vodka in natalie's backpack while liz coaxes her mom into coming home so we can make our exit. she is finally successful, us hurrying out the door, kicking up snow in the front yard. someone mentions the word frolic so i skip all the way to the car. we drive to the gas station and i buy orange juice that costs $1.09 a bottle while the cashier sings a song that i'm not familiar with. jay drinks half of each, splashing me in shaking them. three girls in the backseat make screwdrivers, pass around bottles and suddenly, we are on the highway, under an overpass, lights trailing through periphery. laughter and the smell of alcohol while driving past the day newspaper office and the whale mural. we take the parking space that we've become accustomed to, underneath the 20 min. sign. one finished bottle, one stuffed into a red backpack. crosswalk to sidewalk and then, the door. we buy tickets from one of the opening bands and i pay for jay because of the 3 dollars in his wallet. laura sees a goth guy she knows with black lipstick and eyeliner tears. we stand there for a moment while she talks to him. moving to the floor, the left corner, watching the bottle circulate until it contains only the fumes and residue of drowned depression. and then there are the hands, my hands, their hands, intermingled fingers and skin, blown kisses, me grabbing her waist, peeking out from behind her shoulder at the musician. endless mike sets up, begins to play. i watch her, from the floor next to revelaria's instruments, dancing eratically beneath the el-n-gee spot lights to greasy pop-punk. i look back at natalie and we giggle at the beautiful drunkeness of our girl. she returns, flushed from self-induced whip-lash. slowly, we move to the bathroom, rosy, covered in graffiti about a stranger named sarah clark and estelle sucking dj's incher. liz pees, i stand on the toilet in the other stall, natalie on the floor. various breeds of women are in and out to do various types of womanly things. liz is feeling sick, sitting down in the doorway of a stall, head in hands, nausea. natalie and me behind the wall, then hurrying to her. cold hands, half-conscious, throwing up and cleaning up, staying there with her. an assortment of people are in and out to check on us: vicky, vicky's cousin jenn, laura, the bartender, jay(who gets kicked out by the bartender), mike. she is finally well enough to go out and see the bands. revelaria plays and natalie gets sick. same thing, cold, tired, nausea. we listen to weston from the bathroom floor. people come in to ask if she's ok, if she's 21.....the bartender. the woman finds jay, asking if he's in possession of alcohol. he gives the dubra to matt, from the band, so he's not doing something illegal. she's on the phone to someone, complaining to the bar flys about us. the show is over, i poke my head out of the door to see his frown. mike is against the wall, drugged, with the goth. liz is leaning, staring and natalie is still on the bathroom floor as i scurry out to buy the weston cd. i come back and liz is across the room talking... and me into the bathroom to help natalie up. jay's face and voice scream at liz...we need to leave. we are out the door in silence and into the car. jay furiously recaps his night to the girls in the backseat...inattentive. we drop them home and jay is at my house until 2:00am. we watch a lot of ifc. Current Mood:  contemplativeCurrent Music: weston |
| Thursday, January 18th, 2001 | |
| 11:01 pm | when i think about delirium i must be soo sick. i dreamt about her last night. strange....because i hardly ever dream and she wasn't on my mind. mind and voice have been betraying me lately...lots of freudian slips. i don't think that this is an exception. i had run into a coffee-shop of some kind with two people, they might've been my parents, and she was standing in front of me with this girl. i knew that that was her girlfriend(although, come to think of if, i didn't recognize her). we went somewhere that had very old, worn wooden floors and was very dusty. and i kissed her and the room spun and shook with beautiful colors swirling arounds us and we were floating in the air. and then, she turned into the girl who was with her and suddenly i was kissing someone i didn't know. Current Mood:  weirdCurrent Music: camber |
| Wednesday, January 17th, 2001 | |
| 8:44 pm | we should all run over deer monday night: as i was packing up cds for the show, i recieved a lovely little phone call from jay, who had apparently been trying to reach me all day(4 messages on the machine....thanks), asking if i still wanted him to come up. stupid question....liz loves visitors. he said he'd be up in an hour, so i trudged off to the station, making footstep butterflies in the snow. our show that night was ever better than usual. we actually had guests, which made me feel strangely authentic. p.j. and vince graduated from pomfret last year and they have this band called necrofriend. they basically used their instrumental talents to create a new music genre that they've entitled "horrorcore". it sounds like schizophrenic, mental hospital wall scrawls set to hard rock. they're good guys though...funny too. vince dedicated switchblade symphony to "the 2 and 1/2 goths that live in putnam". it was a good time, unfortunate that it was only an hour. i pack up the cds(which carrie can't stand, based in principle alone) and walk out the door onto the sheet of ice that had accumulated earlier that day. i reach the front circle and see jay, sitting in his car, looking the same way he always does when he's alone. greeting him with a knock on the window, an open car door, hugging, i bring him upstairs to my dorm's common room. we sit on the diseased, old couch having a conversation about something(i don't quite remember what)when, suddenly, his eyes spark with a kind of nervous terror. "oh shit!" he rifles through his pockets. *what?* "i locked my keys in the car!" it's so fucking desolate up here that there are only two local locksmiths, both of which were not open. "we're gonna have to break in." i went into the tech crew work shop and took two screwdrivers. now, luckily, jay had hit a deer few months back and there was a deep crack flowing across his windshield. we stood there, outside in the cold, jay freezing without a coat, taking turns chiseling away at the crack in his windshield. we were almost through when we discovered the shards of glass protruding form his hand. he decided to deal with it afterward and kept up his quest for windshield penetration. he finally made a hole big enough to allow his arm through and the car devoured it up to his shoulder until he was able reach the lock. there was a click and success. it was a happy feeling to know that we escaped with only minor injuries and learned that a screwdriver is not a good way to break into cars. best monday ever. Current Mood:  creativeCurrent Music: rainer maria |
| Monday, January 15th, 2001 | |
| 10:21 am | "security to sporting goods" i usually spend saturdays sitting in my room, IMing people until someone from school calls and tells me i should go do whatever "fun" activity the school has planned for that night with them. this weekend was different. angie came up to sleep over which was very kool. i miss lving with her, although, if i actually did, we'd probably be at each other's throats. heh....the one relationship that's gotten better since i've gone away. i had my first saturday radio show(which may or may not last very long)and it went pretty well. two calls is a lot up from none on monday. one was from these chicks at my school who wanted me to play a song about being sick. carrie put on this south-african pop and said it was a "healing" song. the other was from a guy whom i thought was a stalker until i found out who it was. him- how old are you? me- 16 him- good....i just wanted to say that you sound really hot on the radio. me-*gettin' a bit scared* me-ummm...ok....uhhh....how old are you? him- 19 me- what's yer name? him- rob, that's all you need to know. me-*apparently sounding really weirded out* him- i just wanted to make you smile. it turned out to be this guy from a local emo/indy rock band called august train. this made me happy 'cause they're pretty hot. it's still kinda odd though. i hope i get to keep the saturday show 'cause i like it even more than the monday one. after the show, angie and i went back to my room. we hadn't seen each other in two weeks and still, there was nothing to talk about. luckily, jay called to break the silence, saying that my "surprises" couldn't make it(for some reason i thought they were inanimate objects), but that he could come up with liz instead. then, there was the matter of getting directions. *blush* i have no idea how to get here. i had to look up the directions in the back of the pomfret manual. finally, they got themselves up here. i had planned on taking them to the vanilla bean, but as we drove past, i noticed that a man with exagerated hair was giving a concert. the cover for shows at the bean is usually pretty high, so i suggested that we go to KMart because it is, in fact, the only other thing to do in this town. now, you must realize that being around liz and jay can make for some pretty silly talk and movement. this was no exception. we darted around the isles, jay remarking about how expensive everything was there and angie marveling at pizza flavored pringles. then, upon reaching the sports/toy isle, we found one of our favorite childhood toys: the over-sized ball. taking one out of the cage, jay and angie began to kick it around, it bouncing very high and nearly destroying a few displays. "security to sporting goods." i hate security cameras. Current Mood:  sleepyCurrent Music: jimmy eat world |
| Friday, January 12th, 2001 | |
| 9:46 pm | scolding sam today i decided that he's not an ass....just a kid. |
| 5:51 pm | YOU SHOULD BE SCARED ladies of ct, do not, i repeat, do not talk to anyone on aol by the name of punkrocklovegod. he's a creepy motherfucker and everyone should stay away from him....unless you wanna get analy raped, that is. hydrastar4: I found out dirt on Craig hydrastar4: I think so too PATCHWORK GIRL21: ooo...what?! hydrastar4: bad things hydrastar4: vicki's bf, ben, works with him hydrastar4: and chris warren PATCHWORK GIRL21: i know PATCHWORK GIRL21: telltell hydrastar4: I talked to them today too PATCHWORK GIRL21: telltelltell hydrastar4: ok... many stories PATCHWORK GIRL21: yeah PATCHWORK GIRL21: what was with not being school? hydrastar4: the one that disturbed me the most: PATCHWORK GIRL21: how come everyone skipped? PATCHWORK GIRL21: tell hydrastar4: he was having sex with this goth girl in the back of his car... PATCHWORK GIRL21: haha PATCHWORK GIRL21: as per usual hydrastar4: she had only had sex like twice in her life and she was really tight... PATCHWORK GIRL21: yeah... PATCHWORK GIRL21: he's not very big hydrastar4: and she looked like she was in pain so he did it really hard until she was crying and telling him to stop... hydrastar4: then shoved his finger inside her hydrastar4: and she started screaming PATCHWORK GIRL21: that fucker!!! hydrastar4: I know PATCHWORK GIRL21: he's such an ass hydrastar4: apparently he was laughing about it PATCHWORK GIRL21: ugh..and to think he could've done that shit to me PATCHWORK GIRL21: bastard PATCHWORK GIRL21: tell me more hydrastar4: all I could think of was that you were alone with him hydrastar4: let's see... hydrastar4: then they started talking about ******* PATCHWORK GIRL21: tellllllll hydrastar4: he told her he had only slept with like one girl, then was bragging and laughing about how he made her feel dirty for sleeping with the people she did hydrastar4: he apparently said- hydrastar4: "I made her feel like a whore, and she doesn't know that all she is is a notch in my bedpost" PATCHWORK GIRL21: HE IS FUCKING DEAD!!!!!!!! PATCHWORK GIRL21: i'll kill him myself hydrastar4: lol hydrastar4: it made me sick PATCHWORK GIRL21: don't tell her PATCHWORK GIRL21: she really loves him PATCHWORK GIRL21: it'll hurt her hydrastar4: she deserves to know hydrastar4: I think hydrastar4: but I might not hydrastar4: he talks about how he wants to DRUG a girl and fuck her to Ben PATCHWORK GIRL21: oh fuck him! PATCHWORK GIRL21: i'm gonna post this part of the convo...k? PATCHWORK GIRL21: on ews or my journal i hate craig....he's the devil incarnate. Current Mood:  angryCurrent Music: anything by react |
| 5:44 pm | YOU SHOULD BE SCARED ladies of ct, do not, i repeat, do not talk to anyone on aol by the name of punkrocklovegod. he's a creepy motherfucker and everyone should stay away from him....unless you wanna get analy raped, that is. hydrastar4: I found out dirt on Craig hydrastar4: I think so too PATCHWORK GIRL21: ooo...what?! hydrastar4: bad things hydrastar4: vicki's bf, ben, works with him hydrastar4: and chris warren PATCHWORK GIRL21: i know PATCHWORK GIRL21: telltell hydrastar4: I talked to them today too PATCHWORK GIRL21: telltelltell hydrastar4: ok... many stories PATCHWORK GIRL21: yeah PATCHWORK GIRL21: what was with not being school? hydrastar4: the one that disturbed me the most: PATCHWORK GIRL21: how come everyone skipped? PATCHWORK GIRL21: tell hydrastar4: he was having sex with this goth girl in the back of his car... PATCHWORK GIRL21: haha PATCHWORK GIRL21: as per usual hydrastar4: she had only had sex like twice in her life and she was really tight... PATCHWORK GIRL21: yeah... PATCHWORK GIRL21: he's not very big hydrastar4: and she looked like she was in pain so he did it really hard until she was crying and telling him to stop... hydrastar4: then shoved his finger inside her hydrastar4: and she started screaming PATCHWORK GIRL21: that fucker!!! hydrastar4: I know PATCHWORK GIRL21: he's such an ass hydrastar4: apparently he was laughing about it PATCHWORK GIRL21: ugh..and to think he could've done that shit to me PATCHWORK GIRL21: bastard PATCHWORK GIRL21: tell me more hydrastar4: all I could think of was that you were alone with him hydrastar4: let's see... hydrastar4: then they started talking about ******* PATCHWORK GIRL21: tellllllll hydrastar4: he told her he had only slept with like one girl, then was bragging and laughing about how he made her feel dirty for sleeping with the people she did hydrastar4: he apparently said- hydrastar4: "I made her feel like a whore, and she doesn't know that all she is is a notch in my bedpost" PATCHWORK GIRL21: HE IS FUCKING DEAD!!!!!!!! PATCHWORK GIRL21: i'll kill him myself hydrastar4: lol hydrastar4: it made me sick PATCHWORK GIRL21: don't tell her PATCHWORK GIRL21: she really loves him PATCHWORK GIRL21: it'll hurt her hydrastar4: she deserves to know hydrastar4: I think hydrastar4: but I might not hydrastar4: he talks about how he wants to DRUG a girl and fuck her to Ben PATCHWORK GIRL21: oh fuck him! PATCHWORK GIRL21: i'm gonna post this part of the convo...k? PATCHWORK GIRL21: on ews or my journal i hate craig....he's the devil incarnate. Current Mood: angryCurrent Music: anything by react |
| Thursday, January 11th, 2001 | |
| 11:34 pm | oops...almost forgot... Current Mood:  lovedCurrent Music: toxic narcotic- beer in the shower |
| 11:32 pm | "crush 'em with yer emo" talkin' to mike...my clitoris...hehe. he's such a darling boy! oh..i love him to pieces. he always knows exactly what to say to me. what a great person. he's the kid that gives me hope for the future of humanity. |
| Wednesday, January 10th, 2001 | |
| 10:46 pm | puppet power anybody who knows what i was talking about in the last few entries is allowed to disregard them. i appologize if it made anyone feel uncomfy. emotions were running high then, but they've recently been downgraded to apathetic pomfret mode. i still like her, but i've accepted the fact that it wouldn't work. i had my first radio show on monday....heehee..we annoyed the school community. i'm going to have a 3 hour one on saturday, but i don't know if this will be a regular thing because my advisor thinks that it will take up too much of my time. i hope so, but this means i have to start doing my homework. angie's coming up on saturday....that should be fun. the guys are already asking for her...heh. she's been here twice and they're absolutely obsessed with her! hmph...i'd look like that too if i spent 4 hours every morning on my face. jay might come up too...which will rock th'house!! i persuaded my mom to put him on my driving list...oh yes..i rule...so now we can leave this god-forsaken school for a few hours. he might take liz with him. it'll be good to see her, but i hope it's not as awkward as it was the last time i saw her. it's possible that david will come up with them. that would not be a good thing. i need to keep my new year's resolution and allowing him to molest me in front of everyone won't help at all. my roomate finally came back monday at 1:00am. she then proceeded to turn on our brightest light and unpack all of her belongings, dragging a large, loud suitcase across the floor. i really wanted to hit her, but instead, i took a sleeping pill and went back to bed. i miss having a single. it was nice to be able to masturbate as much and whenever i wanted......luckily, i cum quietly...heehee. this afternoon, i hung out with carrie in lindsay's office after lunch. ethan stopped in....ugh, he is still incredibally attractive and i keep trying to tell myself that he's an asshole..but it doesn't seem to be working. he said that he's gonna stop in and visit during my show on saturday. i hope he does..that'd be pretty kool. sometimes i wonder why i allow myself to be so silent at pomfret. everyone here thinks i'm quiet, reserved, shy...etc. i guess i have the whole mystery thing going for me, but there really aren't that many people i'd care to captivate. Current Mood:  restlessCurrent Music: dashboard confessional- screaming infidelities |
| Wednesday, January 3rd, 2001 | |
| 9:43 pm | fruit juice on my windowsill the saddest thing about leaving home to go back to school is seeing my room so empty. it's far too clean to look like i live there anymore. christmas vacation is such a tease...three weeks...just as you get used to being home again you're forced to return to this place. i wish i had actually seen her over vacation the way i had promised. maybe things would've turned out differently. i told her i liked her...i meant it. when i told others i didn't, it was to avoid this being added to the ever-growing list of rumors floating around in regards to me. and ok...maybe i wasn't sure about the whole thing..but i am now and it's too late. i suppose that now i can call her january. that makes five failed almost-relationships. i name them after the month in which they took place...four boys and the pretty girl....september, october, november, december, january. maybe fate is telling me to stop trying. |
| 9:37 pm | bah...i'm new...sue me. Current Mood: lonelyCurrent Music: saves the day- jodie |
| 9:16 am | fruit juice on my windowsill the saddest thing about leaving home to go back to school is seeing my room so empty. it's far too clean to look like i live there anymore. christmas vacation is such a tease...three weeks...just as you get used to being home again you're forced to return to this place. i wish i had actually seen her over vacation the way i had promised. maybe things would've turned out differently. i told her i liked her...i meant it. when i told others i didn't, it was to avoid this being added to the ever-growing list of rumors floating around in regards to me. and ok...maybe i wasn't sure about the whole thing..but i am now and it's too late. i suppose that now i can call her january. that makes five failed almost-relationships. i name them after the month in which they took place...four boys and the pretty girl....september, october, november, december, january. maybe fate is telling me to stop trying. |
| Thursday, December 28th, 2000 | |
| 4:48 pm | my best friend ugh....now she's gone and done it. she's taken the one girl i wanted. though i'm not quite sure about the degree of my bi-sexuality, i know that i did want this girl...badly. she's adorable. and the emotionless lump of decay that was formerly my best friend has attracted her...(as she attracts most of the relationships i have out of ours), all for what seems to be some kind of restitution for HIM. the story will be explained in detail at a later date but, i'm no longer able to think straight. Current Mood: crushed |