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Friday, December 14th, 2001
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12:15 pm - And I'm not yet quite that drunk. . .
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The drama never ends. Just when you think all the actors have exited and the curtain is coming down, they rush back onto the stage for an encore.
And as a good theatre goer...you are forced to sit and watch.
You can't ever escape the things in life which you want to, and too soon the things you want to hold onto are gone. Shakespeare was wrong. Life isn't but a mere shadow...it's a mere joke, and we just can't ever find the punchline.
Stop and remember...after the shit hits the fan, and you think everything is over, you still have to clean up.
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| Friday, November 9th, 2001
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1:01 pm - This is all I want to feel tonight. . .
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My last entry was a comment on one person and one situation..nothing more.
It was an entry about how everyone can hate someone and urge you on. How everyone likes the person who is talking the most shit about them.
It's about drug deals that someone tried to have you killed for....About wrecking cars...Holding people while they cried and puked....and while they stole your money, tricked you into "quick trips" to GA or TN....How they ripped off your friends, and you... How they would say one thing, and do another. It's about all the things that no one ever saw...all the fights that went on...Its about what you don't know.
And a good comment to add is...what you might be losing, isn't always that big of a loss. But even so, you should stop and assess the potential damage.
I never said my life was fucked up or ruined. For a minute it became overwhelming. But I realized I've finally cut ties with the people and places I've been NEEDING to have out of my life.
I learn from all my actions...and I don't regret any of them because they've help me become who I've became. And I'm still learning and I'm still living.
Thats the most important thing. Just to be alive. I want to make mistakes, I want to screw up, I want things to occassionally be on the verge of falling apart. Because that makes me appreciate what I do have that much more. I don't want to have no expierenced anything....and I don't want to be the same person forever.
And while school grades are't an indicator of my keeping it together...or even work. I can only see the good things that have came out of my decisions. The friends I've made, ideas I've came to, places I've been.
Because their is positive in every action...and ultimately everything balances out.
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| Thursday, November 8th, 2001
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10:14 pm - Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. . . .
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What have you got to lose? Ask yourself that, because the answer is everything.
In an instant everything you care about could be taken away from you. By your own doing or anothers. Cherish every moment you have...because the cliche "it could be your last" is too true.
When I look back, I ultimately don't know if I feel sorry for my actions for the right reasons..if I feel sorry at all. I would change the past, only to fix the present.
I realize I've started something...something I can't fix. I can't say "Sorry" and have everything return to the way it was. I've created disertion and divided friends and made enemies.
And in the long run, as should be expected of life, the one who is going to lose is me. Because no matter how much someone fucks everyone over. No matter how much someone is hated by everyone. No matter how much wrong one person has commited, caused or done....ultimately, I'll pay more for my one act of unthinking, than he will for a lifetime of mistakes. Because trying to be nice gets you no where...Caring about people ultimately doesn't get you cared for back....and everything from this side of your mothers cunt is just a slow dive towards the bottom. Being a "good guy," being a friend, caring, loving, feeling...none of that will help me win. You always lose for being yourself. Because I'm not as good an actor as the other....and I've still got a lot left to lose.
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| Tuesday, September 25th, 2001
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11:00 am - It must have been cut with mescaline. I'm watching the grass grow, and Buddy, that just isn't right.
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Okay...so after finally recovering from being so cracked out it hurt, I decided to babble about my weekend.
It was yet another drug-binge weekend for all us sketched-out club kids. Sam-I-Am decided he would have a party out at his house in Leicester, and Tarah, Buddy and Sparkle decided we all needed to candyflip.
Prior to going to the party we went to Jeff's house and drank a bottle of vodka and watched the Miss America Pageant. Sparkle and I each ate 4 sugar cubes.
Went back to the house to get Tarah, Jessica, Justin and Daniel (who Sparkle decided was his task to feed mad amounts of free pills to.)
Timing everything just right, Tarah and I each eat 5 Blue Smiley Faces (YAY FOR MESCALINE) and decide to visit James BEFORE we get f-ed up...but sadly we get lost so when I get to Jame's house I am rolling face and tripping balls and it is all thoroughly bizarre.
Finally after 2 or 3 hours we make it to Sam's house. Tarah and I lay in the front yard rolling around and making out. And Sam precedes to hug me every 15 minutes and make sure I'm OK. (Hey!Buddy! Just don't stare at the colors toooo long, ok?) So Sam and I discuss the days when we used to drink "good" whiskey together at 6 a.m. and he reminds me "not to do drugs" as he snorts his second 8Ball.
So Sparkle gives this Daniel kid a Smiley Face and Triple-Stacked Thumbs up and he gets so fucked up its funny.
I somehow end up on a couch with Jessica, Dizzy and Sparkle in some kind of e-puddle. I attempt to dance but the swirls on the dance floor are moving too fast.
And a bunch of other weirdness...and I end up at home in bed with Tarah and Justin watching "Requiem for a Dream."
"I like driving my car, its like a video game."
"Just come outside with me..and we'll..go..somewhere"
"I just talked to people for 15 minutes, and they weren't really there"
"MAKE OUT WITH ME."
"Buddy..just lay on the kitchen counter with me."
"Do you want a backrub?...wait..that doesn't involve my hand being there."
"Trolling, honey."
"I can't take tomorrow off, it's only my second day! But they better know there is going to be white circles around my nostrils for the whole 12 hours"
"Look at the scarecrow!"
"Drink some more....do you want to come home with me?"
"Does anyone want to buy cocaine? I repeat COCAINE."
"Do you need some Vicks?"
"let me blow you....up, blow you up. I forgot what I was saying."
Oh...the kids in Asheville are ever so exciting.
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| Wednesday, September 12th, 2001
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12:21 pm - I'll put down your disco...
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As I watch everyone mope and cry and act like it's the end of the world. I feel disgusted. And I would like to remind you: People die every day. People have been dying for over 2000 years.
Buildings are bombed a dozen a minute all over the Middle East, Asia, Africa and Europe.
The IRA destroys buses full of tourists, and restaurants at lunch time, and museums and government buildings, all over England...every waking moment.
Children are shot down in the streets of Jerusalem. Asian drug lords abduct woman and children from america in the multimillion dollar human slave trade in Thailand.
Terrorism has happened...has been happening...and will continue to happen.
So drop the bullshit about how the end of the world is coming. Or how sad this is. This is to be expected. This isn't anything that amazing. It is nothing new.
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| Tuesday, September 11th, 2001
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1:44 pm - This is the track to make the girls dance..
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So Baby Anne rocked my world. It marked the end of my 2 week Yay and Shard binge. I hadn't been to a party sober in so long I had forgot how fun it really can be. No one there were real party kids...and it was at a redneck sports bar. Whenever Tarah, Sparkle, Matt and I danced everyone stopped and looked at us...but it was all good. Baby Anne...aka DJ BabyTrainWreck actually spun a really great set.
Right before we left Jeremy bought me some pills, but sticking to pledge of sober partying...I took him home with me and we did it there. I had a blast...And now I can't wait for fucking Liquified Nation 3 soon. Lauren, Daniel, Daniel, Tarah, Sparkle, Josh, Heather, Jeremy, Mindy, Harmony...god..fucking EVERYONE is going.
And while this may not be the insightful entry you had came to expect, it is none the less interesting.
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| Friday, September 7th, 2001
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12:35 am - You are my fantasy and my obsession...So baby, take me down..
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What can I say? I haven't updated in awhile, because I really just can't compete with all the excitement of the lives of my fellow livejournal users.
Or more appropriately..I've decided I can't live my whole life behind a screen, behind the safety that this monitor provides. I can't have the only conversations I have with people to be thought out, spell checked, re-typed and analyzed before they are seen by a recipient.
I want to live, as I think I have said before.
I want to look into peoples eyes when I speak to them...and touch them when they are down. I want to look forward to something besides pressing buttons. And I do.
With that said, I am going to see Baby Anne this weekend. YAY for me and my friends.
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| Monday, August 27th, 2001
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11:34 am - 18 Different Ways of Fucked Up..
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Tropicana rocked. I sold so much and did so much. It was all good. It's always good to come out of the haze on your best friends stomach, look at each other, look at the various other people in the bed and go "Damn, We didn't OD! YES!!" :)
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| Thursday, August 23rd, 2001
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11:00 am - I want to feel this way tonight...and for the rest of my life..
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People put you in a box. I mean, sometimes around certain people you are forced to wear a facade, force to conform to the way they know you.
Some friends are only good in small doses and only good to serve as a reminder of your past.
And when they aren't around, and come back, and try to integrate themselves into your life...you are left saying "what the fuck?!" Because you suffered to get to the point you are at. You bled to get to the point that you are at. And part of you died just to be living this moment.
So you feel a bit cheated, that someone who didn't suffered like you, can easily be part of everything you treasure and have tried to keep separate.
The sad thing being, you realize you don't like that person. That some friends are only good in conjunction with no one else....I just always want to keep the parts of my life separate.
So this person comes....and whenever you see them laugh or smile...you become more and more like the person you used to be...the person you haven't been in forever. And thats because they bring that out in you. And every action they make, you see all the pain you've expierenced. Because they are entwined with your pain...they are part of your expierences.
But now..they are more of a sad memory come to haunt you and throw off your equilibrium. *sigh* And what can you do?
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| Thursday, August 16th, 2001
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10:58 am - You are better off just don't fuck with me. . .
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It's not nice. But I don't care.
Stupidity in general, greatly annoys me. People greatly annoy me. And I'm glad that I have never been a spineless, disgusting, pathetic use of a human being like a majority of those around me. I can't understand what I saw in some people...I can't understand how I tried to make friendships with such sad people.
But it's all good. Everyone gets what they deserve...and I really just don't care anymore.
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| Tuesday, August 7th, 2001
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2:03 am - In this silence I am free..
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Re-evaluate.
Look back over your path. See what brought you here, hindered you, helped you.
Look ahead and see what lies before you. See the horizon....see the space...make steps of change.
Life is a funny thing. Things can change so much in a fraction of a second. You can easily be in a place you never imagined.
Point in stating this? None at all...it's kind of a rhetorical question. But everyone should look at their situation and form an opinion as an outside observer, not as the main character.
You may surprise yourself...
current mood:  calm
current music: Sikora - "Take You Down"
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| Thursday, July 19th, 2001
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9:36 pm - I want to use you...I want to abuse you..
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Wait until you're not useful. Wait until your obsolete. See who needs you when you can't give them back something.
I'm convinced so many people are your friends out of convience or neccessity.
And that may be my fucked up seratonin levels talking...but honey, at this moment it is so fucking true.
current mood:  frustrated
current music: ATC - "Around the World"
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| Tuesday, July 17th, 2001
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11:55 am - Heaven holds a sense of wonder, and I want it to...
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I've decided lately that I want to live. Thats why I haven't really been writing in LJ. I want to go out, breath, exist and make the most of my life. I want to have fun now while I can enjoy it. I want things to mean something now while I care. I want to tear down all barriers.
And I will...
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| Tuesday, July 10th, 2001
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2:48 pm - I want to die inside your world..
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Well....as can be expected my seratonin is a bit out of whack and I am feeling a bit melancholy. Which isn't a bad thing. It puts my in a thoughtful mood.
Earlier I saw a sign that said "Live today as if you will face god tomorrow." And I thought...if the Christian god was roaming around, what would I tell him? ANd the answer is: nothing. I am not ashamed of my decisions or feel that I should feebly attempt to justify them. I don't think I have made any wrong choices or done anything deserving of damnation. So I just laughed at the sign and drove on.
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| Friday, July 6th, 2001
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4:20 pm - I'll hide you...
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With everyone, our goal should be to feel close to them. We shouldn't settle for vague friendships, half-hearted caring. We should want to be as close to people as possible.
Now finding a method to be this close to people isn't easy. Whether it be drugs or alcohol or meditation or exercsie...whatever it is. Do what it takes for you to be in the place to be close to people....
current mood:  loved
current music: Kazmir - "I'll Hide You"
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| Thursday, July 5th, 2001
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2:34 pm - Rose tint my world..
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We all come to a point in our lives where we need something. Where we learn a valuable lesson from our situation and expierences.
So I've been doing a lot of drugs lately. I'm not trying to justify that or say that it is good in any way. But I am saying it serves a purpose. At this moment, it gets me by. I need to feel closer to people...so I roll and we all grow closer as friends. I can say ecstasy has made my friendships with everyone I've rolled with much better.
And eventually I won't need e or pills or liqour or anything. But right now, I like how it makes me feel. I want to feel that way. I don't need to, this isn't addiction...I just want to.
I don't feel any less intelligent for the decisions I've made...or that it has stunted whatever potential I have. But I do think every person needs a time of abuse in there lives...whether we are being abused or abusing something (whether it be drugs, people, etc) We need the expierence...
I need this expierence....so please don't worry.
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| Tuesday, July 3rd, 2001
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12:33 am - When you ripped my heart out...did it make a sound?
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Another night spent terrorizing Asheville. The headlines shall read "Two young men in an ecstasy induced homosexual rage attempted to violent kill people in Asheville last night with explosives. After weeks of attending "rave" parties, they and there female cohort went on a damage spree of violence after leaving there all night sodomite orgy and worshipping satan" lol
Way to go to Brooke, Sparkles and I....we are so fly and incognito...We shall bomb Hairspray again.
Oh..and only 2 more weeks until I get my temporary custody of the stolen gargoyle from Sparkles. And no one knows what I'm talking about. lol. I'm having a blast.
current mood: Silly
current music: Kimball Collins - Generation Trance 2000
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| Sunday, July 1st, 2001
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2:56 pm - Said "Hi" but what i meant to say was "Why is your life a joke?"
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Well...just got home from another night of rolling and cuddling and kissing and dancing. Went up to the warehouse in Asheville with Todd, Diane, Aaron, Ashley, Tarah, Heather, Brooke, and so many other fly kids....and let's not forget my boy SPARKLES! hehe
So it was so much fun...I know most those kids don't have LJ but I want to thank them so much. We all have such a good vibe amongst each other. Wow...I just can't describe it in words. And then the party the other night with Sarah and Jeremiah and the rest....and getting drunk at Big Hungary with Todd, Sarah and Jeremiah...and god damn we are busy lil kids! lol. Well I still feel good....so I'm gonna go chill with Jeremiah...
I am so good at remembering names. lol
Last night while I was dancing, I stopped and thought how sad it is that someone can be so important one day...and completely gone the next. Then my boy kissed me and my girl hugged me....and I forgot all about it. But it's still sad all the same..
current mood: Rolling
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| Friday, June 29th, 2001
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8:28 am - Circle and circles...I've *GOT* to stop spinning..
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Well..About to head to work. After a night of no sleep. Rolling with Todd, Jeremiah and Josh....and chillin' at the club with the aforementioned and Sarah, Heather, Brooke...and my boy Sparkles/Johnothan...the portugese lover boy. lol.
I had a great time...thanks to everyone for all the hookups...hugs...kisses..massages and love...
And to the girls at the compound and the boys on main. THIS IS HOUDEK *mwah mwahnn mwaahhhnn*
Even with a great time...something was missing....something was missing...
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| Wednesday, June 27th, 2001
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1:06 pm - ..and I don't blame it all on you, but I don't want to be just your friend...
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I look over my life and realize I lost everyone eventually. ANd that a lot of the times, the people you made the most room for, the people you shoved everyone else aside for....they aren't the ones that are still around. No matter how much 2 people tell each other they'll always be friends...it doesn't happen. The people you end up with forever, you usual never imagined and usually never made a promise of devotion to.
I look at all the relationships gone wrong. And I think "Gee. Am I different? Did I change?" Or is it all on the shoulders of the other people? Is it human nature to blame ourselves? We don't have time to react or rehearse in life...we can't always say the right lines or fix things. And I guess when things aren't fixed we blame ourselves...we just want to be in control of the situation.
One time when I was drunk, this guy told me something that made a lot of sense. He told me that we are all like beaches...and the people that come into our lives are like foot prints in the sand. Some people come in an leave a huge impression...while others, we barely notice they're not there, and yet some made the biggest impression over a long period of time...slowly digging themselves into us. But eventually...the tide will come and wash away all the distinct details and all we'll have is the vague memory. The tide will take everyone away...and we're just stuck on the wrong side of the water.
One time my glitter girl asked me if it was better to have those people for an instant or to never have had them at all. I'm beginning to change my answer...I'm beginning to think it's better to just never me in pain. And while we know thats not possible..that we can't avoid pain. I don't think the ends justify the means...I don't think all the happiness and sacrifice is worth the pain in the end.
So I look back and see how many people have waltzed in and out...made their grand appearance then met their dramatic doom at curtain call. And I realize it wasn't me. I think I served a purpose for those people at that point in their lives...and they served a purpose for me. Not saying my promises of devotion were void, they still burn strong somewhere deep inside me. But as I always tell everyone, the people we love aren't always the people we are meant to spend forever with. And I'm just starting to realize that.
We can't have everything the way we want. And promises may mean something at the moment they are said...but ultimately..all words are enigmas. Full of lies, double meanings, veiled intents, etc etc. Just enjoy the happiness we had...and try to ignore the pain.
It's a good day to burn our bridges..
current mood:  weird
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