|
|
Saturday, November 10th, 2001
|
11:41 am
yummy cds:
einsturzende neubauten - Strategies Against Architecture III
dead can dance - 3 disc Retrospective that had rare stuff and comes with the Towards the Within DVD.
-----------
i felt so fucking old school buying these, in a sea of 18 yr olds at the Alewife Newbury comics. the fact that bands i like that aren't tom petty or the beatles are putting out "greatest hits" or career retrospectives, sort of makes me feel kind of funny.
------------
i think i might remodel my room this evening. my animals aren't going to be happy so near the windows when it starts to get colder and i don't want them to get sick.
See, my room kind of sucks (aside from being painted this horrific mint green, an issue i'm still going to remedy) in that it's fairly big, but there are no right angles, as one wall is occupied by a closet that juts out into the room, and the other is a bay window. currently occupying the bay are some plastic storage bins, my baby liquor cabinet, and a metal stand that contains the homes of Boogie(the cannibal White's Tree Frog), Q-bert(the baby milkfrog) and Godzilla(my radiated leopard gecko)
I'm thinking of moving the tubs and the cabinet and the animals and sticking my desk in that area, although that will mean i will have to get another cable for my dsl line so that it will reach my 'puter. but that will free up some space in the middle of the room, and ensure that my naminal friends won't freeze this winter. so perhaps i should also get plastic wrap for the windows now, as this room is about as insulated as a nylon parka.
------
but then, tonight i'm supposed to go to a party, and tomorrow is dedicated to studying my butt off, so i don't know.
(love the penguin)
|
Friday, November 9th, 2001
|
12:46 pm
this is the most irrational thing, but i fucking loathe it when people sneeze. utterly loathe it. i want to go and smack them and make them stop. i have no idea why this is, but it just ellicits the most vile response from me.
(17 penguin fans can't be wrong | love the penguin)
|
10:21 am - most boring journal entry ever
pffft.
well, after my two days of semi nervous breakdown material, i've decided to switch gears for a moment and talk about really stupid stuff. i'm starting to realize that november is my sworn enemy.
-----
q-bert seems quite happy, i was worried about him after pong passed away, and i was doubly worried when i saw his little back legs looked too thin. some extra crickets and some reptocal seems to have fixed that, and he seems plump and happy sitting on his leaf.
------
the crickets don't fare too well in their tank in the hallway though, and as a result, i have a box of about 200+ dead crickets and 100+ live crickets, and i can't clean it out really well because the live crickets hide in the dead crickets (as well as eat them), and the end result is that it looks sort of like cricket normandy.
---
i missed the premier of the Tick last night. this is sad. hopefully i will get to see it, as i imagine someone i know has to have taped it. i'd be surprised to find out otherwise.
---
i'm also really bored with what's left of my hair. I want to color it i think, but i'm not sure what color to use. maroon seems good, but that always makes me look splotchy and gross.
-----
the first thing i got to see this morning was a slide show done by one of our clients in the medical field. the conference was about bioterrorism, and we got to see all these slides about inhalation anthrax, and x rays of what infected lungs look like. Solid Black. amazing, the lungs were just these giant black masses in the chest cavity. I couldn't get over it, it was like staring to the abyss.
(8 penguin fans can't be wrong | love the penguin)
|
Thursday, November 8th, 2001
|
3:42 pm - horroscope
A woman I met at a party told me the following story. When her son was still young, she gave him to her parents and disappeared from his life for three years. During that time, she fixed the damaged parts of her own psyche, but her son grew to resent the woman who had abandoned him. When she returned and humbly asked to be his mother again, he refused. For two years she persisted patiently in her attempts to win back his trust. One day, five years after she'd originally fled, he accepted her back into her life. I feel there's an analogous story transpiring in your life right now, Aquarius. The situation's not as intense, and the time periods aren't as long, but the potential for a rich and dramatic karmic adjustment is similar.
wow, for once i'm startled.
|
1:16 pm - as i sat sadly
i'm really scared of people, i realize after my little melodramatic post last night. the response was amazing, and i am so thankful and i guess humbled,, i think the fact that people even bother to respond is overwhelming to me, and for me, responding to it is even more so. why has it become such a daunting task to communicate with people?
when i was a little kid, i loved people, i loved attention, interactions, i loved being. now suddenly i feel more like i'm in an art gallery, preferring to appreciate from afar. i just feel so gawky and garish and my tongue feels all swollen and stuck to the roof of my mouth at times. It's so hard sometimes for me to accept the fact i can't always be good to everyone all the time, that it is inevitable that eventually something i am going to do or think or feel or not, is going to hurt someone. i can't avoid that, but i try. and that's no good at all.
then i decided that it would be a smart idea to pretty much isolate myself from the majority of people that i know or care about. but that's not really working either, because the further you get from something, the harder it becomes to muster up the courage to go back, at least for me. so this is stupid, living in my little world, cutting people out, trying to rationalize it by saying that "it's for school", and while a large part of that is true, i'm doing the polar opposite of what i did in 99, where i completely let school fall to the wayside for...i don't even know what, i don't think i could even clearly tell you. But the strongest thing these two time periods have in common is fear and it's got to fucking stop.
i don't know how yet, but at least i know something. i know all the things i need to do and all the things i need to say, and just hope i don't lose the resolve.
"When will you ever learn
That what happens there beyond the glass
Is simply none of your concern?
God has given you but one heart
You are not a home for the hearts of your brothers
And God does not care for your "benevolence"
Anymore than he cares for the lack of it in others
Nor does he care for you to sit
At windows in judgment of the world He created
While sorrows pile up around you
Ugly, useless and over-inflated"
current mood: remorse
current music: n.cave
|
Wednesday, November 7th, 2001
|
11:43 pm - oh,
and my statistics teacher is still a dumb cunt.
and i have a test next week.
can anything else happen please?
seriously, can maybe a tornado hit, or maybe can my desk implode?
or perhaps can my newly acquired 500 baby crickets get loose tonight
and hide in my ears?
or..erm...fuck i'm boring.
here's some "interesting" tidbits about me:
1)the first boy i ever kissed is married and is about to be a dad
2)one of the first boys i ever dated is gay now. we didn't ever kiss much
i never minded, and he seemed happy that i didn't.
3)i got set on fire when i went to see Spike and Mikes Sick and Twisted as the Coolidge. Someone told me "excuse me, your pants are on fire", and i thought it was the worst line i'd ever heard. however, my pants were indeed on fire.
4)My cat is in heat right now
5)I am in an educational video hosted by Gabrielle Carteris that is shown in highschools health classes called "Let's Talk About Sex". I was just as obnoxious and opinionated then
6)i can program the VCR with my feet, but out of respect to my roomates, don't.
7)Once, at some stupid eurohaus night, I mean Jordan Knight (who was a New Kid on the Block), and not knowing who he was, told him that (after he told me he was a musician) it would be a good idea to have a backup plan, since that whole music thing rarely works out for people.
8) My uncle was in chorus with Pat Benatar
9) I have no siblings
10) i have really bad penmanship.
well, i'm not interesting. that didn't work very well.
(11 penguin fans can't be wrong | love the penguin)
|
9:32 pm
thanks, i mean it.
(love the penguin)
|
3:09 pm
why do i do this? why do i write in this thing? is it to amuse myself, so i can go back and read things from a year ago and chuckle about what happened then? is it for entertainment (for me or for you)? is it to purge some darkness from my soul?
i'm not being honest, i can't be honest in this anymore. at least when it comes to...myself. I mean, if you were to read this journal, you'd think i did very little other than sit around and be introspective and solitary. and perhaps that's a big part of who i am, and perhaps that is what i do, even when i'm around other people. but the point is, there are other people, and i've tried so damn hard to leave them out of all of this, for the sake of anonimity, for the sake of wanting to avoid creating any or more drama than what already exsists. because i guess i know who i'm talking about, or what i'm referring to in regards to song lyrics or specific moods. but it's fucking hard sometimes.
there is so much i want to say right now, there are so many thoughts rushing through my head too fast for me to even catch on to all of them..but i just can't do it. not right now.
(31 penguin fans can't be wrong | love the penguin)
|
12:42 am
someday i will have alot to say.
it really is amazing
how we choose to edit/censor ourselves
for these things.
*sigh*
well.....yeah.
it's been a long week.
(5 penguin fans can't be wrong | love the penguin)
|
Tuesday, November 6th, 2001
|
7:57 pm - please forgive me, but i must say
my statistics teacher is a cunt.
current mood: fucking fed up (6 penguin fans can't be wrong | love the penguin)
|
3:50 pm - one more dumb thing and then i'll stop
I got this:
when i looked up "nick cave" here
(1 penguin fans can't be wrong | love the penguin)
|
3:14 pm - according to this i am a:
CyberGoff
}SET UNIT TYPE "RAVER" :
< ACCESS > PRIMARY
AUXILIARY ENERGY SOURCE:
SET OBJECTIVE "HARDCORE" & / "TART" :
ENGAGE {
i haven't been to a goth club since march.
and the cartoon is prettier than me.
(4 penguin fans can't be wrong | love the penguin)
|
1:17 pm
think of it this way, when he gives you the song of the day, he gives it to you in its entirety. I only go for the lyrics because i react more strongly to what they say to me. it's a rare case that the music will really bowl me over, and if it did, it's most likely an istrumental piece, and i'm not clever enough of patient enough to post sheet music.
perhaps that's why i will never make a proper raver, and instead will always be better playing the card of the folkie-gothey-pseudo-wannabe-indie girl.
i'm also a tired girl, who's having trouble waking up again. I woke up to a dead mollie. last night i saw her, and knew she was dying, she wasn't moving her back fins at all, but there wasn't really anything i could do about it, aside from fret and wring my hands together nervously. i hope she lived a good life, she had babies, and they are all alive still, swimming around the tank like little pearls. I don't know if i should buy another mollie for companionship for the remaining one, or if they would find it insulting to have their partner be replaced so quickly. Of course, fish don't really take these things into consideration..the only things they take into considertation are eating and swimming.
anyway, yeah. i like song lyrics. here are some. this used to be my sig....well, not the entire thing, i'm not obnoxious enough to have a 20+line sig. it's ani difranco. it's good. go buy the cd, don't download it.
tonight you stooped to my level
i am your mangy little whore
now you're trying to find your underwear
and then your socks and then the door
and you're trying to find a reason
why you have to leave
but i know it's cuz you think you're adam
and you think I'm eve
you rhapsodize about beauty
and my eyes glaze
everything i love is ugly
i mean, really, you would be amazed
just do me a favor
it's the least that you can do
just don't treat me like i am
something that happened to you
i am truly sorry about all this
you put a tiny pin prick
in my big red balloon
and as i slowly start to exhale
that's when you leave the room
i did not design this game
i did not name the stakes
i just happen to like apples
and i am not afraid of snakes
i am truly sorry about all this
i envy you your ignorance
i hear that it's bliss
so i let go the ratio
of things said to things heard
as i leave you to your garden
and the beauty you preferred
and i wonder what of this
will have meaning for you
when you've left it all behind
i guess i'll even wonder
if you meant it
at the time.
|
Monday, November 5th, 2001
|
8:55 pm
it's going to be cold this week, and i'm about ready to cry just looking at the forecast on boston.com. summer isn't long enough, the weather where i feel like i can walk for miles, climb trees, and be alive. Winter is cold and introspective...miserable and solitary because i can barely force myself out into the gale.
i turned on the heat this evening, and it sounds like the heater has a bad case of gas that it is trying to conceal, making these popping and wheezing noises...
one thing i like about the cold is being inside. i mean, i really like being inside. it seems that when the outdoors is so inhospitible and miserable, we take further steps to create our own realities inside. the lights seem brighter, warmer little globes of heat hang from windows, eventually gardlands start hanging from porches...everything inside just feels like it is bathed in this otherworldly amber glow, everything feels like christmas.
it feels like when you're stepping inside, you're stepping into something good, something new and something neat.
in other news, it sounds like the upstairs neighbor is getting his groove on, although i cannot tell if he is alone or not.
also, i utterly adore my new roommate Mike. he rocks the party. the inclusion of him into the apartment has made this little slice of apartmentness feel like home, something i haven't felt for a damn long time
(7 penguin fans can't be wrong | love the penguin)
|
4:38 pm - Opus
i think morissey was wrong, when saying "don't you hate it when your friends become successful?"
I didn't really know opus all too well during college, but he was one of the first people outside my little short-lived circle of freshman-first-semester friends that I really spoke to, so i suppose, aside from his personality, he will always leave some sort of mark in my memory.
He was in almost all my classes, was incredibly tall and wore really smart ties. I met him on Landsowne street one night after a Soul Coughing (a band until then i'd never heard of), show, and asked him and his friend what they thought. His friend told me the show and the band sucked, and he stood by sort of looking nervous. I told them both I was sorry the show sucked, and went along my merry way. The next day, in class, he came up to me, explaining that the guy i'd been talking to was M. Doughty, the singer for Soul Coughing, and then apologized. I still thought it was funny.
Eventually I moved off campus, our majors taking us on different paths outside of shared classes, and as all things go, we eventually lost touch, although i'd occasionally read a poem of his in our school literary journal, or laugh at some piece of satire he'd written for the Hyena.
I went to go see EBN with him and he ended up stuck standing behind Opus, possibly the only person in the venue taller than him.
blahblah. things happen..life changes.etc.
I ran into opus one last time at my classes graduation. Even though I was no longer a part of it, I wanted to go, to see people, say goodbyes, and see if Jane Fonda and Ted Turner would beat the crap out of each other on stage, as they were the joint commencement speakers, a decision that had been made about 6 months before they announced their somewhat bittern intent to divorce, said announcement made about two months before graduation.
the only person I really talked to, aside from my roommates ann and margarita was Opus, before i left the ceremonies, heading off to work. he told me he was moving LA, life was good, keep in touch, etc etc etc.
At some point after that, raul came up to me and asked if I knew if the "tall kid from the EBN show, the one who wrote poetry " was on television now. I said I didn't know, and he informed me he was almost positive he'd seen Opus on the Craig Kilborne show.
and he was! and still is, at least the last time I watched late night television, this summer at his house in NJ, I got to see Opus interview the cast of Survivor 2.
i think it's so cool that he is doing well for himself, making a name for himself. He's one of those few people that i can say, probably undisputedly, is just a good person, right down to the core.
(11 penguin fans can't be wrong | love the penguin)
|
Friday, November 2nd, 2001
|
2:35 pm
how in the fuck many times can someone get bronchitis.
goddamnit!
(16 penguin fans can't be wrong | love the penguin)
|
Thursday, November 1st, 2001
|
11:58 pm - funny site
click on the picture
(love the penguin)
|
10:04 pm - today i got
the new Silver Mount Zion cd (which is fucking incredible)
and a haircut....it's shorter...i will get all the ladies now
Well, this isn't quite "Row Row Row Your Boat", but it involves water and REM and reminds me of when I was 15, absolutely in love with Vinny, and helping out with organizational stuff and cooking at the Senior Citizens Prom at my highschool.
Nightswimming deserves a quiet night.
The photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago,
turned around backwards so the windshield shows.
Every streetlight reveals the picture in reverse.
Still, it's so much clearer.
I forgot my shirt at the water's edge.
The moon is low tonight.
Nightswimming deserves a quiet night.
I'm not sure all these people understand.
It's not like years ago,
The fear of getting caught,
of recklessness and water.
They cannot see me naked.
These things, they go away,
replaced by everyday.
Nightswimming, remembering that night.
September's coming soon.
I'm pining for the moon.
And what if there were two
Side by side in orbit
Around the fairest sun?
That bright, tight forever drum
could not describe nightswimming.
You, I thought I knew you.
You I cannot judge.
You, I thought you knew me,
this one laughing quietly
underneath my breath.
Nightswimming.
The photograph reflects,
every streetlight a reminder.
Nightswimming deserves a quiet night, deserves a quiet night.
(12 penguin fans can't be wrong | love the penguin)
|
Wednesday, October 31st, 2001
|
12:54 pm - odd horroscope
Last week you came very close to an ultimate breakthrough, averting it by the narrowest of margins. I'm afraid you'll have to exert great caution this week if you hope to continue keeping the crowning achievement at bay. The astrological pressure to push you over the top -- into loopy, grinning, shameless victory -- is overwhelming. If you harbor any phobias about success, stay out of all situations where you could be ambushed with praise and rewards.
|
12:11 pm
this sucks, i smell so bad.
some little fairy leaves perfume samples in the ladies room, and being as i am inquisitive and love to play with little glass bottles, i was examining one, and it spilled on me, and now i smell like perfume.
horrid. i want to tear off my skin
(2 penguin fans can't be wrong | love the penguin)
|
|
|
|