Ash - a - Bee's LiveJournal
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Ash - a - Bee's LiveJournal:
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| Saturday, July 6th, 2002 | | 12:40 pm |
Why me? Why me? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! | | Saturday, June 29th, 2002 | | 3:22 pm |
Little crush, little crush! Eek! crush crush crush crush crush. | | Friday, June 21st, 2002 | | 8:35 pm |
Sometimes we use our personality as an excuse. For example, if we don't trust someone, and refuse to get close to them, sometimes our excuse is "I'm just not a trusting person. It takes me a long time to give someone my trust." And often that's true (I know I've said it on many occasions). But it's an excuse...our personality should not be used to excuse our actions. Yes, they may be contributing factors, just as our upbringing, events in our lives, and our environment are all factors. But as human beings, we all have free will, and if we work hard enough we can overcome even our own personality. Of course I'm speaking (writing) generally here, Sometimes I guess none of this is true. But for the most part it is. Many people are brought up in abusive households who become wonderful parents. Many people are brought up in abusive households who end up running abusive households of their own. Maybe they both were more inclined towards it than the average person, but it's obvious that their upbringing wasn't the only factor. I know I'm verging on the controversial here, and I know the examples I've given are cliche, and don't really fit my purpose at all, but they were all I could explain clearly. Anybody agree or disagree? I'm sort of curious as to whether y'all think it's ok for me to be a recluse because I've been "hurt in past relationships which has led to an inherent inability to extend my trust." If y'all think that personality can be a sole factor indecision making and life building, great...I have an excuse for being a hermit. If not, I'd like to hear from you too. Thanks for the help guys.
ashby | | Wednesday, June 19th, 2002 | | 4:08 pm |
Eew, I'm all hot and sweaty. Eew. | | Monday, June 17th, 2002 | | 9:05 pm |
I think I might be too hard on myself. See, you know how you always have these ceratin feelings toward things, nothing specifically definable but just basically positive or negative impressions about stuff? Whoa, I suck at this self expression thing tonight. Anyway, I've always thought of myself while not negatively, pretty harshly. I don't mean that I like hate who I am or anything..not at all. But recently I've realized that if I do or say or even think something, I always end up with a "bad taste in my mouth." It's like my intentions are bad, so I can't feel good about what I'm doing. And lately I've actually been thinking what my intentions are, and the majority of the time they're nothing to be at all guilty about or anything rediculous.
I think that in some way, I thhink we all have untrue impressions of ourselves. Often, we're not conscious of them, but they're there. I consider myself to be a lazy person. I always have. It's not something I consciously think, or even really acknowledge (until right now, of course) but it's there. When I really loom at my habits though, I work really hard. It's just funny to think how wrong we can be (or at least I can be) about even ourselves, you know? We get these ideas in our minds of what and how we are and they don't change, even if we do. Hmmmm.
ash | | Wednesday, June 5th, 2002 | | 9:34 pm |
Hey all. I know it's been some time, as Audrey has just informed me. I know there aren't many of u who care enough to spit, but hey, for those of you who do I extend my deepest apologies. Life's been busy.
I was thinking some very abstract thoughts earlier, and I'm not sure if I can get them out. I know that if I do they still won't be coherent in the least, so my goal isn't "understandable and out," it's just "out." Ok. How is it possible that this all exists? I mean, this makes no sense, that we live and that there are trees and that we interact and sleep and dream and die. Why? Is this happening inside our cells too, or are we happening in someone else's cells? Maybe this (not even "this" as in life, but this as in existance in its broadest sense) doesn't really exist. Thats such a werid thought...that maybe im just dreaming this all up, maybe im really not here at all, maybe "here" isn't even here at all. I can't really explain how, but sometimes it seems like duh, obviously this all exists and is all cut and dry. But more and more often lately I can't bring myself to believe that life exists, that we are all how we feel we are, that we're solid and substantial, even "beings". God, maybe I need therapy. The weirdest part is that that thought doesn't upset me at all. I mean, why should it matter if we all really exist or not? I still feel the same things, which is really what life is entirely about - feeling.
Ok, headache. I got more but later. Leave one if u wish to berate me for my idiocy.
Love always,
ashby | | Thursday, May 30th, 2002 | | 9:37 pm |
Hey everybody. It's been such a long time, and I'm sorry! Forgive me! I've been really busy...some crappy stuff and some good stuff. I had a lot to write about earlier, but I can't think of any of it at the moment. later, i guess. | | Wednesday, April 10th, 2002 | | 10:16 pm |
Hey all.
Been a while, I know, but bear with me - my life is literally trying to kill me, it seems, and i really, truly haven't seen my house in broad daylight since last weekend. Funny, huh? Ok, I have this history project to do - you know the one, the scrapbook about WWII - and as usual I'm brimming with ideas. But I'm worried that this time I won't have the motivation or the inspiration (more this one than the other) to follow through. I know, it's pathetic to worry about history projects. The funny thing is tho, I havent worried about my actual grades in a long time - that seems less important now, I guess. It's just that I dunno I want to get things done and do them WELL. It's suddenly become important to me...I know, what's up with that huh?
I want to go to the Nuyorican Poet's Cafe in New York, just to listen. And maybe some day to read. But I think I'm too white. Sigh. Funny how suddenly the majority is becoming the discriminated-against minority, huh? Later,
ashby | | Friday, April 5th, 2002 | | 9:49 pm |
Aaarrgh. Sigh. Hate fridays with nothing to do. Well, actually there is stuff to do, and places to go, but nothing that seems appealing enough at the moment to get me off my ass and into the car. Was sorta supposed to get together with someone tonite, but well lets just say i didnt want to interupt a drug deal so i didn't stop my car. Yeah, thats about the kind of night im having.
I need some new people. Wow, guys, dont take that the wrong way - i dont wanna replace y'all or anything, u guys are the greatest. I just feel like meeting some new people, making some new friends, ya know? Just a phase, Ill be back to being antisocial later on.
not feeling very philosophical at the moment, too grumpy and gettin bluie to write. grrruff. well, leave one.
love,
me | | Monday, March 25th, 2002 | | 9:35 pm |
It's really hard finding out you suck at something you thought you'd be great at. I mean, whenever I played sports I expected to suck so it didnt bother me. But I thought I'd be good at this, and now it's ruinging even the things I AM good at. Sigh. Maybe killing myself would work?
Now now, that last part wasnt serious. I;m a little too well happy for that. But still. Life sucks and Im gonna end up doing something drastic. Fat. Ugh. | | Sunday, March 24th, 2002 | | 8:04 pm |
Hey all.
It's been a long time, huh? Benn rediculously busy - don't even want to talk about it! Wanna make one thing clear right now tho - if you don't like me, that's fine. I really have no problem with that because chances are if you don't like me, I'm probably not too fond of you either. But if you don't like me, you have no reason to be reading this. None at all! So if you find it necessary to spend your free time reading my journal and writing immature comments to me, I pity you, because you have WAY too much free time.
Now that that unpleasantness is out of the way, haha! I've missed this whole journal-writing process! I don't really have anything of any particular depth to say at the moment - sorry to disappoint you. Can I please take this time to gripe for a bit? I'm in need of a good whine. If you don't feel like hearing me do so, feel free to skip ahead to the part where I giggle at myself and say g,night. I would if I were you! Ok. Wanna know something I really hate? when people think you're one way, so they just take everything the wrong way. Like, say for example someone thinks you're nice, and you do something that's neutral - not mean, not nice, just there - that person is automatically gonna think it was a nice thing, because they have you in their mind as being nice. That bothers me. The act should be judged on the act, not the image of the person committing it.
Haha, there I go again. I'm not really a bitch, I swear! I love you all (I swear, haha!) be back sooner than last time promise!
ashby | | Sunday, February 10th, 2002 | | 8:52 pm |
what says more about a person? their hopes and fears, their hair, the way they smile, what they talk about to their cat, how they hold their hands when no one else is looking? Or is it different for everyone? Maybe we shouldn't pre set our judgement standars for everyone. Maybe something that completely defines one person really has nothing significant to do with another. maybe my defining quality is my listening ability, while that really isn't something you should be judged on. maybe your smile is beautiful, but it says nothing about who u are. or maybe the populace is right, as usual.
~ash~ | | 8:52 pm |
what says more about a person? their hopes and fears, their hair, the way they smile, what they talk about to their cat, how they hold their hands when no one else is looking? Or is it different for everyone? Maybe we shouldn't pre set our judgement standars for everyone. Maybe something that completely defines one person really has nothing significant to do with another. maybe my defining quality is my listening ability, while that really isn't something you should be judged on. maybe your smile is beautiful, but it says nothing about who u are. or maybe the populace is right, as usual.
~ash~ | | Sunday, January 13th, 2002 | | 9:11 pm |
hey all,
so nervous. gonna take my road test tomorrow. eex!the thing is, im trying to be positive cuz I know I am quite capable of pasing the test. but im afraid im gonna do sumthin really dumb, or not be able to park or un-park. oh jeez. that would be so embarrassing, explainging to people that i failed the test! oh no. im so excited, but so nervous too. eex! pray for all the starving kids and slaves and orphans, and me if u get the chance! luv,
ashby | | Wednesday, January 9th, 2002 | | 9:38 pm |
hey.
The prospect of death sorta scares me. It's funny, but I'm sixteen and Ive never really thought about it before. Like, sure, little idle ponderings or whatever, but I never actually tried to come to any conclusions. I guess thats good tho-my life has been happy enough where I think more about living than dying. Woohoo me!
The idea of dying is honestly very scary. They say (whoever the hell "they" are) that we are afraid of the things we don;t understand. Well, in this case it's definitely true. The only thing I have ever known is life. It's not as if I know what to expect when I die! Or even whether to expect anything! I mean, the only thing I have ever been is myself. What happens if I cease to exist? I'm sure that wouldn't bother me, because I wouldn't exist to be bothered. But it scares me, the idea that maybe death is the end, not just of life but of being. Everyone says they're not afraid of death, but you all are. When people say that, they say it without thinking - they mean they're not afraid of the circumstances that lead up to death, whatever. and that's probably true for a lot of people. But I don't think anyone could not be afraid of an idea so alien, something that literally means giving up life, and being, everything we all have ever known. Hmm.
OK, i guess I'm done with that for now. I'm sure you all will have arguments (my friends are really an opinionated bunch!), so feel free to write me a comment. Love you all!
ashby | | Sunday, January 6th, 2002 | | 8:56 pm |
hey guys!
It's certainly been a long time! I guess that's a good thing though...shows a little upswing on the social life scene, huh? Haha. No, not an excuse to be shallow, I know. There is so much I want to do in,life but none of it makes money! How typical is that? So if I want money, I'll have no time to do what I like doing, and if I do what I want I'll die of starvation. Oh well. It all works out in the end. Or you die.
I convinced a little kid to go home the other day when the school psychologist couldn't. Mind you, the school psychologist is a total moron who should never be allowed near kids, let alone kids in crisis. But I did good. Eew, I sound all proud of myself, Ick, stop it Ashby! Ok, I'm done now I promise.
I am such a moron. I don't think I could go through life without helping someone else. Well, I could, but not happily. I've always seen that as the reason for life...to help others. when you think about it, it doesn;'t really make sense...if that were everyone's goal, there would be no need for the help. Sigh. But ,maybe itr's my reason for life, and others have a different purpose. It's irksome to think about, but i guess there's no point anyway. Why know the meaning of life if it doesn't change the way you live?
ashby | | Sunday, December 23rd, 2001 | | 8:52 pm |
hey all!
i am in such a good mood right now. getting things done makes me feel all productive and good about myself! But i now have a third degree burn on my hand, as well. well, no, its more second degree. but ouchy! I can't wait for christmas! Im really hoping for a good one this year .i think everyone needs it. Not in a philosophical mood tonight...too happy! Ive been doing the shallow teenager thing a lot lately. its fun, but makes me feel guilty. Ill do better i promise! Pray for happiness and snow! I love you all! Merry Christmas eve eve!!!
Love always,
ashby | | Tuesday, December 18th, 2001 | | 9:36 pm |
hey all.
Ever get that feeling when things just go wrong? Like, nothing specific, just in general? Well, it's weird. I'm in a really good mood lately, cuz Christmas is coming and I love christmas. But I also have the feelnig that things have just started to go, well, wrong. Like certain friendships aren't turning out how they were supposed to. You know how they can change? Well I don't like it. I hate when a friendship takes on a sole purpose, and you can't seem to get around that subject, ya know? Sigh. I feel like a bad person today. For the past couple days actually. And Im not one, really. But grr. What can you do? I'm sorry now that Im not being all philosophical today, but im more in the mood to rant than theorize. Just bear with me guys, I'll be back.
Anyway, yeah, I feel like a bad person. sigh. I hate feeling like a bad person. Do you ever say something or do something and then think like three seconds afterwards "what the hell did i do that for? that makes me appear to be totally something im not!" Ever done that? I do it all the time. I don't want to sound cliche, but it's like I'm not good at being myself around certain people. It's not a shyness thing, Goodness no, im not shy. I dont know, it just never seems to work when i talk. maybe i should just stop talking. Anyway again, ill be back before christmas, i promise, but have a great one anyway! I wish you all lots of contentment and some happy memories. And sex for Jenna and snow for Zach.
always,
ashby | | Friday, December 14th, 2001 | | 9:35 pm |
I just had a really important insight, but of course I can't remember it! OK then, when all else fails, let's revert to the "why's" shall we?
Why does everything seem to work for some people?
Why aren't I one of those people?
Why do values count for so much, but only if you're pretty?
Why are connections easy to make, but so hard to hold on to?
ok thats even hard tonite...gonna jet now. talking to cg, see y'all tomorrow!
always,
ashby | | Monday, December 10th, 2001 | | 7:51 pm |
hey everyone.
poor jenna! noah had a breakdown today while she was there! his mom told us that he has em occasionally, but i feel so bad! today was my day to be there but i gave it to her so she could have some extra money! i am kinda relieved that i wasnt there for it, but i feel wicked guilty!
I'm not in a very philosophical mood right now, so i think ill go. so many events to talk about, but this isnt really the place!
ashby |
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