|
|
Wednesday, July 25th, 2001
| |
8:56 pm - bravo. amen to that. wooha!
|
taken from Techno Dyke's interview with Melissa Ferrick:
N - I was looking at your web site the other day and I saw that you recently posted a copy of the letter you sent to the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival. You said in your letter that due to their exclusionary policies towards the transgendered and towards your drummer and stuff, that you would have to decline appearing there this year.
M - That's correct.
N - I applaud your decision towards this and I wondered if you could talk a little bit about this subject.
M - Sure. This is a huge subject, you know, and I think that it's really important. You know I'm a lesbian. I think everybody knows this by now, that's old news. But I just don't believe in separatist things. I don't believe in that. I don't want to be a part of that. I don't live my life, and surround myself only, women-born women and only with lesbians. I have no desire to do that. My sexuality, who I sleep with, it just doesn't mean that I only hang out with gay girls. And because of that, I don't write my music just for gay women. I write my music for myself first and foremost. It's a way of expressing how I feel and I think it reaches more people than just lesbians, and I would hope that that would be true. I'm sure that it reaches people who struggled with their sexual identity because I struggled with that. So yes, absolutely, the queer community is gonna be more receptive to my music immediately because of that understanding but, when I say "queer community", I mean all my brothers and sisters regardless of how they were born, how they choose to live their life, who they're choosing to sleep with. It's people who think from a level of coming from a place of accepting other people, the way that they want to be accepted and treated.
What I'm getting at is that to me, queers are not just people who sleep with people of the same sex. It's more a state of mind then it is a state of who you're in bed with. I just think that it's really important, especially with the transgendered community, and I have a lot of fans in the transgendered community. I know people who struggle with this, people that I have known and learned from. People who have gone through operations or who have not been able to get operations because of financial things. People who have gone through enormous amounts of therapy, and medications, and struggles. I don't know what's it's like, but I know what's it's like just from being the person who gets to sit across from someone and listen to their pain. Then, to feel like I'm gonna perform at a festival, as if it isn't hard enough to feel like you're in the wrong body and then to be excluded from the one community that you thought you might be able to hang out with because they're different too, and they say, "You can't come in." I just think it's completely.....it just makes me really sad. That is not me and those aren't the kind of people I affiliate with, people who deny people entrance because of the way they choose to live their life.
That goes for straight people too. I know that there are some straight women, and bisexual women also, that went to Michigan Womyn's Music Festival and were treated really rudely and felt completely alienated. It's a terrible thing, you know, to be cliqued off like that. It's the women with the Y, the women with the birkenstocks, the tattooed and pierced group, the butches, the motorcycles, the this, the that. It's like there's so many fricking boxes just within the lesbian community. It's ridiculous. I've said a number of times that lesbians and gay men don't have dinner enough, let alone even getting into the whole "How many friends do you have that are transgendered?" and "Do you know what it feels like?". Of course you never will because you're not in their body, but have you hung out with anyone? Have you gone to coffee and been open to listening? Well no, because you won't even let them go to the festival. I just think it's ridiculous. I don't want to be a part of it. I think it's stupid. I just can't believe the way some people act. Like who are you to judge? That's what I feel like saying to people. And gay people who are standing on the sidelines and gawk, and judge, and don't want to be around, and think it's weird. It's like, what are you doing? Is this how you felt when you first came out of the closet? Don't you remember what it feels like? And now, you're gonna do it to somebody else. That's just not okay. "Don't forget where you came from", that's what I want to say to people like that.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
3:38 pm
|
i have today off work. yay! thus, i am exceptionally happy.
i talked to Christina last night on the phone for the first time in a while. turns out she's reading my journal on a regular basis. which i find kind of wierd in a way. i dunno, but when i set this thing up, i didn't think people i actually knew were ever going to read it. i don't care about total strangers reading, but people i know? it's just wierd. turns out Leslie read my Journal too. i don't know if that was because she wanted to, or cuz Christina told her to. (i found this out last night) and i think my dear Chrissypoo is keeping up with it every once in a while too...teehee.
*waves* hi Christina.
*waves and flashes* hi Chrissypoo...you sexy bitch you.
*waves* hi Leslie. i miss you.
anywho. so i did end up goin out with Roger and Krystal last night before Volleyball. it was only for like, an hour though. i met them up at the mall, and Krystal showered me with lil gifts. a defunct hopping frog, Bobbette's cousin on crack (a lil parachute thingie), and her personal favorite, a lil button of a smily sticking it's tongue out, since EVERY time i see the woman she insists on flicking her tongue at me. but yeah, we went and shot pool, and i aLMOST beat Roger every time. which i was proud of considering he's a fucken pool shark and i haven't played for years. we faced off for the 8 ball both times. wooha for me. it was fun. but i dunno...it's kinda wierd. they wouldn't let me leave easily..and Roger kept trying to get her to "show me something"...thank god she didn't. i was getting kinda freaked out by the whole thing. i reeeeally don't feel like being a toy for anybody... ESPECIALLY not Roger. just ew.
i have to find a cell phone today. or soon at least. i need one before i go up to Cincinnati. mom is also gonna let me know today if i can drive up there or not. she better say yes. things are gonna be so difficult if she doesn't. especially when it comes to Leslie not wanting to do anything....if i have my car, no problem. we can go out wherever whenever. keep ourselves distracted. but, if i don't have my car, we'll be stuck at her house most of the time with nothing to keep us distracted.....and that would be bad. well, no it wouldn't, it'd be wonderful...but, it wouldn't make things any easier.
Christina kept gettin on me last night about letting her go so easily. for not putting up a fight. i'm not the fighting type.....
but Katie and Erin are here. so i'm gone.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, July 24th, 2001
| |
12:47 am - from the moment i acquired such tastes, everybody seemed to want to take her place...
|
today was good. i got some shit i need to get done, done. i called Ballard and changed my schedule. no more Great Books. AP Psychology instead. well, hopefully. my counsellor still needs to call me back to confirm the change, but either way, i won't be taking Great Books. don't get me wrong, i love the class. i took it sophomore year. but the teacher who taught it then switched to Manual (traitor!!), and he was the main reason i was taking it again. but now that i don't know who's teaching it, i don't want all the extra reading and time when i don't get the great teacher too. besides, none of the teachers that i know of at Ballard could run that class better than Mr. Kalb. he was just the man. i'm upset that i won't be able to take AP English with him. but i can handle any new teacher that takes over that class. i heard it was gonna be Ms. Jefferies. she was my homeroom teacher freshman year. i heard she was a good teacher too. so, it's all good. i wanted to take AP Psychology in the first place. so things are looking up. i have a nice full schedule for my senior year, with an equal amount of hard classes and then not so hard classes. but the great thing about it is, my schedule is going to look damn good to any colleges who look at it. cuz my schedule doesn't look like a slacker schedule at all. i mean hell, tell me what you think:
AP English
AP Psychology
AP French V
Advanced Anatomy
Honors Calculus
Photography
guess how many of those classes are actually going to be difficult for me? 2. woo! i am a happy lil girl. i'm prolly over estimating myself though...don't be surprised if i come whining to LJ in a few months about how hard all my classes are and all that shit. but right now, my senior year is looking real nice..without being a total float through.
so, aside from school, i played volleyball tonight. we played the same team we played last week. the team we crushed all three sets. well, apparently, they got better. we lost the first two sets and won the last one. they were damn close games though. they only won by like, 2 points each set. it was pissing us off majorly though. by the last set we were so pissed we crushed them 15 to 6. they were being such assholes though. taunting us and distracting us. it didn't help that one of the girls on our team used to date a guy on the other team. plus 3 of our guys were gone, and a girl, so we had like, no rotation going on. it was a definite off night. but tomorrow will hopefully be better. we're supposed to be playing a team of equal ability...whatever that means. but tomorrow decides our place in the tournament...so we gots to do good!
oh lord. Roger told me tonight that Krystal has now moved on from crush to wanting me to be thier lil play toy. wanting me more than she did this other girl...this girl she was REEEEALLY into. i am getting scared. i'm supposed to go and hang out with them tomorrow night. he says that Krystal has two surprises for me. i am getting really scared. i do NOT like Krystal like that. sure, she's cute...but...no. just ew. and Roger? Roger is a great guy and great friend...but even the idea of anything more than that? lemme just die right here please. uck.
*sigh* i miss Leslie...damn band camp. i want it to be next week already.
reality never lives up to all that it used to be...never seems what it used to be....
right. so i have to work tomorrow morning, and i told Roger i'd actually try really hard to be on time tomorrow. thus, i am going to bed BEFORE 1:00 am tonight so i can get there by 9:30..instead of leaving then. teehee...
current mood:  accomplished
current music: Beth Orton ~ Best Bit
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Monday, July 23rd, 2001
| |
6:30 pm
|
so i just woke up from the most kick ass dream:
it was really long and detailed, and all linked together, and made sense! i don't have those very often. but the end was the really cool part. i was in a Louisville Palace Theater / Arnoff Center (Cincinnati) type venue. thus it was pretty cool. i was watching Ani DiFranco perform. always a good time. and at the end, she was like, picking people to go up on stage with her, mostly all the little kids in the audience. there was an uncommonly large amount of children there. and i was raising my hand up and throwing it around for her to pick me, and she walked down my aisle and looked down at me, smiled, touched my out stretched hand and picked the lil boy sitting next to me. so, blah blah blah, the concerts over, and i'm sitting talking on my cell phone to my friends a few aisle's back, and Ani is walking around the almost empty venue picking up trash or something. and she stops at me and says something, and i look up at her, and start to like shake. and she says laughing, "i suppose you'd like a hug or something?" and i said, "i know you get asked that like a billion times a day...but could i?" and she gave me a really strong hug and a kiss on the cheek. (my cheek still tingles a lil bit) and we chatted for a few minutes more about i don't know what. and then i finally left. the dream ended with my finding a pack of cigarettes in my purse and lighting one up. a damn good dream indeed....considering i have no smokes left...lol.
teehee...my kitty is sitting beside my chair looking up at me with wanting eyes. i won't let him get up in my lap cuz i'm about ready to go out. i don't want black kitty hairs all over my kahkis. but he's still really cute.
oh yes. i'm getting ready to go out with Katie, Erin and Irene. it's 105 degrees heat index....so we're going ice skating! woo! it's odd. i saw Irene for the first time all summer last night. it wasn't bad, but you could tell she was uncomfortable around me. we all went out to Qdoba and Smoothie King today. it was better. she actually talked directly to me today. i dunno. i'll take her back as a friend, but i'm not going into the "best friend tell all my secrets to and then get fucked over again" relationship with her again. looks like Katie is though. they seem to be very buddy buddy again. like it was before. i guess i'm gonna have to get used to Katie and i not being as close. cuz, well we aren't. i just hope Katie doesn't get hurt again. i will rip Irene a new asshole if she pulls anything that ends up hurting her. grah. i'm such a bitch. teehee.
well, i should go. *pouts* damn i wish i had smokes.
current mood:  drained
current music: Jennifer Nettles ~ Story of Your Bones
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
3:43 am - it's just you..you tonight...and the music you heard in me somehow...
|
so, me putting my foot down and telling Roger that my mom had threatened to come in and bitch at everybody if i didn't get more days off worked wonderfully! not only do i have tomorrow off, but i have wendsday off too. and i only work two doubles next week. only two! i was working four before. haha! and they are spaced out. one on thursday, and one on sunday. oh yay, next week is actually going to be bareable! i love having my mom threaten to be a bitch. teehee.
oh, on a random unrelated note: i changed my name to Mica. well, on LJ anyways. there are just too many damn Jessica's running around. Leslie used to always call me Jess-a-mi-ca. and while we were in Wisconsin she just started calling me Mica. and she still does. i am nothing but Mica to her anymore i think. and i like it! teehee. so yes. anybody can still refer to me as Jess if they want. but this is now offically MICA'S JOURNAL. woo!
work was so great today. it rained and stormed for like, 2 hours. which meant we got to shut down all the rides. woo! it started raining maybe an hour after i got there...then we shut down for around 2 hours..then i went on my 45 mins break...and by the time i was done, there was an hour and a half left til close. woo! i only had to work 2 1/2 hours today and i got paid for 6! *does a lil happy dance* this makes 3 days in a row that it has stormed and we got to shut down rides. today being the worst...or in MY case, the best. heehee.
oh my...i got some interesting news when i came into work tonight. Roger's wife (who is 17 and bisexual) has a crush on me. not only that, but she had a sex dream about me last night! from what Roger told me, and her too actually, the three of us were riding in Roger's truck, with Krystal (his wife) in the middle. she had on velcro shorts with a zipper, and she undid the velcro and unzipped them and looked at Roger. he said, "not while i'm driving" so then instead of zipping them back up she looked at me and well..i needent go on. lol. so yes, it's kinda wierd. i don't like her like that. and last Roger told me, she didn't like me like that either cuz i wasn't her type. but today he was like, "well, she told me that she thinks yer cute....boy cute, but still really cute." and all today, Roger was hitting on me a lot more than usual. and making comments about me, him and Krystal. ahhhhh! i am NOT going to get involved in any of this. i don't care if Roger is Mr. Porno Penis....lol. i want none of the mess!!
i keep yawning. i think i'm tired. but..but..i don't want to go to bed. i don't have to get up early tomorrow morning. hell, i don't have to get up at all if i don't want to! yeeea!
*pouts* Leslie is away at band camp for the next 7 days. i miss her already. i'm sure she's having fun terrorizing all the lil freshmen. oh well. in about 7 days i'll get to see her. i really do miss her. she told me that she missed me last night. told me like, out of nowhere. it just makes my heart melt when i hear her say stuff like that. even more than it did when we were together. i can't wait to just give her a hug. to feel her body up against mine again....i feel like i haven't seen her for months. it's only been a few weeks.
i swear the way i talk, you'd never know we were broken up. hell, the way WE talk you'd never know. i even forget sometimes...
god i miss her.
have i mentioned how much i absolutely adore Lucy Kaplansky? i should have checked her out back a few years ago when my then mudbud Megan was raving about her. i love her lyrics. and her music is great too. oh yes. now i must go out and spend my hard earned cash on one of her cds. any suggestions on which cd i should go buy? anyone? anyone? bueller?
ack. somebody remind me that i have to go play Volleyball tomorrow night at around 10ish. i know i'll forget.
i really don't wanna stop typing...cuz if i stop typing, i'll have to go to bed...cuz i have nothing else to do. boohoo. oh well. i should prolly go to bed anyways. i think i'm going out with Katie and Erin..and maybe even Irene and Anna tomorrow. they'll prolly wanna go early too. poo. oh well. i guess this is it for tonight.
current mood:  sleepy
current music: Lucy Kaplansky ~ Just You Tonight
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, July 22nd, 2001
| |
3:22 pm - i'm sorry. bordem makes bad things happen....
|
300 questions.
started at 10:09 pm, thursday.
1)Name: Jessica
2)Date of birth?: 5-14-84
3)Sex?: grrrl..
4)Height?: 5'8"
5)Eye color?: greenish/blueish/greyish
6)Weight?: 150ish
7)What is the name of the school you go to?: Ballard
8)Hometown?: Louisville, KY
9)Where were you born?: Lexington, KY
10)Have you ever failed a grade?: no ma'am.
11)If you have, what grade did you fail?: - - -
12)Do you have crush on someone?: *i've got a big crush on you, and it's crushing my mind*
13)Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: ....not anymore.
14)What is your boyfriend/girlfriend's name?: *Sigh* i hate having to leave this blank.
15)How long have you and your boyfriend/girlfriend been going out?: *pouts* it was 8 months.
16)What is you and your boyfriend/girlfriend's song(s)?:*cries* dammit. well, one of them was Drive by Melissa Ferrick....teehee.
17)Would you have sex before marriage?: uh, sure. *ahem*
18)Have you ever had a crush on any of your teacher's?: ha. ms. rich. she was damn hot. lol.
20)Do you smoke?: yes. fucken Roger. he's gonna make me die of lung cancer by the time i'm 21.
21)Do you drink?: only when there is something around to drink...which isn't very often.
22)Are you ghetto?: ha/.right. that's me. yup.
23)Are you a playa?: riiight. even though some people seemed to think that awhile ago...ha.
24)What is your favorite color?: purple, blue, and black.
25)What is your favorite animal?: froggies...kitties...puppies...and WOLVES.
26)What is your favorite song(s)?: oh lord there's too many. but there is one, "Myself" by Reveal Unkown. wooha!
27)What is your favorite movie(s)?:lots and lots... but besides all the lesbian indie films, Miss Congeneality and the Emperor's New Groove are hilarious.
28)Who is your best friend(s)?: Katie. Erin. Anna. Leslie is my *newly aquired best friend*. :)
29)Who do you talk to most online?: Tina and Megan.
30)Who do you talk to most on the phone?: Leslie.
31)Are you a bum?: ha. only when it comes to cigarettes. Roger is my best friend there. hehe.
32)Do you get online a lot?: almost every night after work. damn LiveJournal.
33)Are you shy/outgoing?: both, more shy *social anxiety disorder*
34)Do you shower?: let's see, i work outside all day long running back and forth...nope. never shower!
35)Do you hate school?: nah. i actually enjoy it for the most part.
36)Do you have a social life?: well, i'm never home. but, that's cuz i work. i have a work social life though.........god, i'm pathitic.
37)Do you trust people easily?: a lil too easily sometimes, which is why i get fucked. and even when i don't trust people i get fucked.
38)Have you ever lied to your best friend(s)?:to save them from something
39)Are you a dare devil?: depends on the situation...i can be.
40)Would you ever sky dive?: i'd love to.
41)Do you like to dance?: hell yeah. but i can't dance worth a shit.
42)Which do you like better slow/fast dancing?: slow, i don't look like an idiot.
43)Do you like to swim?: loooove to swim.
44)Do you like water?: hell yes.
45)Are you funny?: people laugh at me...but i don't think it's cuz i'm funny...
46)Are you a serious person?: i can be.
47)Do you make friends easily?: i seem to. well, i make aquantencies easily.
48)Only answer this question if your a guy...How much can you bench press?: how come i can't answer this? fuck whoever made this survey.
49)Also only answer this question if your a guy....How much can you lift( when your lifting weights)?: again, fuck you.
51)Do you have plans for your future?: somewhat.
52)Do you plan to go to college?: yes. even if i wasn't being forced by my mother.
53)Do you play sports?: for fun.
54)Do you like sports?: sure.
55)Who is your favorite actor(s)?: uhm...i don't have many.
56)Who is your favorite actress(s)?: angelina jolie, clea duvalll, kate winslet, clarie danes, gillian anderson, gina gershon..the list goes on.
57)Do you like the New York Yankee's?: should i?
58)What's your favorite tv show?: Xena (*cries*), Ellen (*cries some more*), Will & Grace and Who's Line is it Anyway?
59)What radio station(s) do you listen to the most?: 105.1 LRS...
60)Who's your favorite band(s)?: bands? REVEAL UNKOWN! WOOHA!
61)What kind of music do you listen to?: chick rock, alternative...anything really.
62)Are you a person who lies a lot?: i lie about little things way too much, things that don't even matter. but, that's only to certain people. like, work for example.
63)Do you attend chruch?: *rolls over and dies laughing* right.
64)Do you know what you wanna be when you get older?: i do not have a clue.
65)Do you like roller coaster's?: hell yes. i work at Six Flags. i think it's required to like them or something.
66)Have you ever been to Disneyworld/Disneyland?: Disney World, yes. many time. Disney Land? no. they are two different places ya know...
67)Do you think this survey is dumb?: yup. but i'm bored off my ass. obviously.
68)Have you ever been out of state?: as much as humanly possible.
69)Do you like to travel?: hell yeah. anytime i get out of KY it's a good thing.
70)What's your favorite state(s)?: hm. that i've been to? i dunno. Florida i guess. but i go to Ohio too much to not like it there. :)
71)Do you think your hometown sucks?: nah, i'm learning to appreiciate it more, now that i only have one year left.
71)Do you wanna get out of your hometown?: but of course. i don't know anybody who doesn't.
72)What design/logo is on your mousepad?: gateway cow spots. moo.
73)What color is your mousepad?:black white...and green.
74)Which do you perfer..listening to the radio or listening to cd's?: cds...or mini discs...or mix tapes...
75)Have you ever gotten high?: once...*shudders* it wasn't fun.
76)What's your favorite drink?: uh, wild cherry pepsi....and vodka...not together though. ew.
77)Do you like snapple?: yup. does anybody remember the snapple lady? i miss her.
78)Do you drink alot of water?: i work outside in the sun all day....i put more water into my body than should be legally possible.
79)What toothpaste do you use?: medadent.
80)Do you have a cell phone/pager?: i have a pager..it's not activated. i'm in the process of getting a cell phone though.
81)Do you collect beany babies?: ha. no.
82)Which do you perfer Mickey/Goofy?: goofy, mickey's a goober.
83)Do you like amusment parks?: you'd think after working at one for two years the answer to this would be no... but i do like them. now, the people who go to them, that's what i don't like.
84)Have you ever been to 6 flags?: ha. no. never in my life. jesus. i LIVE there!
85)What namebrand do you wear the most?: Six Flags uniform brands baybe...oh yes. i am so stylish.
86)Do you like Tupac?:only on every other day.
87)Do you like Eminem?: him as a person? no. he's stupid. but some of his music is okay.
88)Do you like Dre?: occacsionally.
89)Do you like taking picture's?: oh yes. i'm taking photography next year. wee!
90)Do you like getting your picture taken?: sure. most of them turn out bad though.
91)Do you have a tan?: ha...yup. a lovely farmers tan. to see me in a tank top right now is the funniest thing you'll ever see in your life.
92)Do you get annoyed easily?: at work? WAY too easy. the guests are all morons. remember that next time you go to a Six Flags: the workers HATE you. you are ANNOYING as HELL. now, come to Six Flags so i can get paid. :)
93)What are you hobbies?: music, movies, work (i'm so sad), driving, writing, taking pictures
94)Do you have your own phone/phone line?: nope
95)Do you have your own pool?: no.. i have a broken hot tub though. wee!
96)Do you have any sibling(s)?: uhhuh..a 13 year old brother.
97)Do you have any posters/pinups on your bedroom walls?: oh lord. my room is COVERED in magazine clippings and posters. you have no idea.
98)Are you sick of this survey yet?: i have 202 questions to go....*cries*
99)Do you get good grades in school?: uhhuh...my gpa is like 3.75 or something. eh, it could be better, but i don't wanna apply myself to anything.
100)Do you get along with your parent's?: for the most part.
101)How do you vent your anger?: cry. scream. type/write it all out. throw things that *hopefully* won't break on impact.
103)Who do you look up to?: hm. i dunno. i look up to Roger at work. he helps me be the insane lil monkey i am today.
104)What are you favorite flower(s)?: iris and roses.
105)Have you ever been suspended from school?: uhm, no.
106)Have you ever been expelled from school?: la de da NO
107)Do you have any piercings?: ears twice, right cartildge once. but in less than a year, that's all gonna change....
108)Do you have any tattoos?: again, in less
than a year..
109)What's your favorite holiday?: christmas. what can i say? i like to recieve gifts. and giving is fun too.
110)What's your favorite memory?: i have lots. but Wisconsin was really great. i don't ever want to forget any of it.
111)What's your least favorite memory?: eh, all the shit with Jill that happened around my 15th birthday.
112)What's your favorite store?: ear x-tacy. hot topics.
113)Do you dream alot?: WAY too much.
114)Do you daydream alot?: yes.
115)Have you had a nightmare lately?: a few...where people kept fucking me over, or i kept getting caught doing bad things...
116)Which do you perfer -- boxers/briefs?: heehee...boxers are fun!
117)Do you have any allergies?: uhhuh...a few.
118)Do you have any health problem's?: besides a developing cancer in my lung? no!
119)Do you like cats?: i love my kitties.
120)Do you like dogs?: i love Leslie's doggies.
121)Do you have any pet(s)?: 2 cats, 2 hamsters, and a depressed beta fish.
122)Do you have glasses?: reflective sunglasses...oh yeah i'm a Six Flags rebal.
123)Do you have braces?: no. i have nice teeth. they are like, the only thing.
124)Do you have a job?: no, i've only been mentioning it in every other question cuz that's ALL I EVER DO.
125)Have you ever been fired from a job?: well see, it was a mutual getting fierd and quitting... *ahem*
127)Have you ever been dumped?: oh lord. every girlfriend i've ever had minus 2 has dumped me.
128)Have you ever broke up with any one?: oh, yes.
129)Have you ever been played?: yes. *grrrrrah!*
130)Have you ever played any one?: well see...in my mind, i wasn't playing, i was just doin what i had to do to stay sane...but to everyone else, yeah, i was playin her.
131)What is you zodiac sign? taurus. bull grrl. grah!
132)What type of jewelry do you wear?: when i'm not at work: 5 earrings, my mudkids bracelet, three lil beads in wire bracelets from Ireland, and coral bracelet from Leslie's mom, my big medal ball necklace, the rainbow necklace Leslie's mom made that i got for Valentine's day, a watch, hemp chokers, my class ring, and Leslie's faerie ring. when i'm at work: take away everything but the watch, the faerie ring and the coral bracelet.
133)Which do you wear more --
silver/gold?: i wear no gold like, ever.
134)Do you a time limit on aol?: ha. no.
135)Do you have a cerfew?: eh, sometimes. usually before 1 am.
136)Are you a vegeatarian?: i don't eat red meat most of the time.
137)Could you be a vegetarian?: i could be...except for the chicken. i LOVE chickens.
138)Have you ever thought about suicide?: yeah.
139)Do you like coffee?: yummy.
140)Do you have a sweet tooth?: sometimes.
141)What's your favorite candy?: hm. kit kats, twix and sour patch kids.
142)Do you like horror movies?: nah.
143)Do you like to spend/save your money?: save. i hate spending money when i don't have to.
144)What's your favorite type of sandwich?: mcdonald's fish sandwhich! the one in Wal Mart...teehee
145)Do you keep your room clean?: riiight. no.
146)Do you dress good?: what's yer definition of good? i dress comfortable...i think that's good.
147)Do you eat veggies?: mm...love veggies.
148)Do you like chinesse food?: *drools*
149)Do you like spicey food?: sometimes.
150)Do you like mexican food?: QDOBA IS MY SECOND HOME!!!
151)Are you a flirt?: apparently i'm a huge flirt. i'm just now realizing these accusations are true...
152)Are you good at flirting?: ha. i didn't even know i was a flirt until a few months ago. i haven't mastered it yet.
153)Do you like to go to parties?: sure.
154)Do you still go trick or treating?: no, why? cuz i have to WORK Halloween night. but that doesn't mean i don't steal the candy from the trick or treating stations there...heehee.
155)Are you an angel or a lil devil?: teehee... *is thinking about Taboo... "i'm one of these!"* take yer pick, cuz i can be either one.
156)Do you get along with people good?: most people yes.
157)Have you ever just started dancing in the middle of the mall you go to?: i start dancing in the middle of a lot of places i go to.
158)Have you ever won anything?: sure. couldn't tell you what though.
159)Do you listen to country?: i like some of it, actually.
160)Do you like the song " Last Resort"?: i used to LOVE that song with a passion.
161)Do you have a waterbed or a regular matress bed?: waterbed. *squishy!*
162)Do you get bored easily?: oh yes.
163)Do you play golf?: putt putt!
164)Do you play minature golf?: not in a while...i want to.
165)Do you like tennis?: sure...when i'm playing it.
166)Are you flexible?: in some situations i am...
167)Are you a sweet heart?: i dunno, ask my exgirlfriends. they know better than i do.
168)What kind of perfume/colonge do you wear?: tommy girl...
169) What are your favorite number(s)?: 33, 16, 9
170)What's your lucky number(s)?: i don't have a lucky number.
171)What's your favorite season?: spring and autum
172)What's your favorite month(s)?: april, may, june
173)Do you plan on getting married when you get older?: but of course. once it becomes legal.
174)Do you plan on having children when you get older?: yes. i want to acquire a baby somehow.
175)What name's do you got picked out for your future baby girl(s)?: i don't have any picked out.
176)What name's do you got picked out for your future baby boy(s)?: see above.
177)Do you have chapped lips?: most times.
178)Have you ever broken anyone's bones before?: i don't think so...
179)Have you ever broken any of your own bones before?: nope.
180)Have you ever had stitches before?: uhhuh...all on my head too...
181)Have you ever hurt someone intentionally?: i'm sure i have.
182)Have you ever broken any one's heart?: i'm sure.
183)Do you believe in God or the Devil?: i believe in SOMETHING.
184)Do you like shopping?: sure. especially with Megan. we have fun.
185)How many cd's do you own?: way too many.
186)Who was/is your favorite teacher(s)?: Mr. Kalb. Ms. Gnau was cool too. and who doesn't love Ms. Rich?
187)What is your favorite season(s)?: redundent much?
188)Have you ever been out of the U.S?: *nods head yes*
189)Have you ever been in a car accident?: nothing serious.
190)Have you ever gotten your ass kicked?: not seriously.
191)Have you ever been embarrassed in school?: every day.
192)Are you a person to start rumors about someone else?: no. i like to start rumors about myself though. teehee.
193)Have you ever drank so much that you blacked out?: never gotten drunk.
194)Have you ever hooked any one up before?: *thinks* i don't think so.
195)Have you ever split a relationship up before?: i'm not sure. things just sorta blur together after time. i think Jill was in a relationship when we first got together....oh yeah, that's right. she was. lol. oops.
196)Have you ever stopped someone from doin something really stupid?: i've tried.
197)Have you ever gotten into a fight with a teacher(s) before?: no.
198)Are you rude?: i can be.
199)Do you think this survey is long?: 100 more questions left... jesus.
200)Have any of the questions been repeated at all during this survey?: yep.
201)Is this the longest survey you ever filled out?: prolly.
202)Are you bored fillin out this survey?: i suppose. i've done it over the course of a few days though.
203)Roughly how long has it taken you to get this far?: well, i started this thursday night. it's now sunday afternoon....
204)What is your dream car?: i dunno. i really really like the car i have now. it's my baby.
205)What is your dream job?: psychologist / writer.
206)What is your favorite dream?: i've had a few.
207)What is your favorite cd(s)?: jesus. Melissa Ferrick - Willing To Wait, all of Ani DiFranco's cds, most of Sarah McLachlan's...Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes...Nine Inch Nails - the downward spiral...i have so many.
208)Do you sleep wit a stuffed animal?: the stuffed slut: Bear-Bear.
209)Do you collect anything?: uh, not really.
210)Do you get along with your family? echo..echo.... yes.
211)Who is you favorite family member(s)?: my grandma, my aunt christie, my baby cousin jacob, cousin Laurie, my aunt tina and terri, and uncle dale and gary. ...and my parents.
212)Which family member(s) do you get along wit the most?: my grandma.
213)Are you an organized person?: ha....right. no.
214)What phrase do you use the most?: your mother.
215)Do you take lonnggg shower's?: only when i'm at Leslie's house. her water pressure is simply amazing.
216)Do you plan on graduating from highschool?: yes. hopefully next year.
217)What grade are you in?: incoming senior. woo!
218)Are you energetic?: i try to be.
219)Do you get hyper alot?: lol...yes. ask just about anybody at work. or Leslie.
220)Do you get hyper from eating chocolate?: eh, i don't think so.
221)Do you like hot chocolate?: mmm....yes.
222)Do you have manners?: when needed.
223)Do you put on a front for your boyfriend/girlfriend's parents?: a front? i don't consider it a front. i actually act pretty natural around them for the most part.
224)Do you put on a front for anyone?: for the guests at work. lol.
225)Do you iceskate?: i like to.
226)Do you rollerskate/rollerblade?: i used to all the time.
227)Do you like the snow?: yes.
228)Do you like the beach?: love the beach. i wish i lived closer to one.
229)Which do you perfer,swimming in a pool or swimming in the ocean?: pool. no salt in the eyes.
230)Can you draw good?: depends on what i'm drawing...
231)Do you have alot of ex's?: i dunno..is 10 a lot? well, only about 7 REALLY count...
232)Do you have anyone blocked online?: yes. this really annoying girl in New York who always tries to cyber with me. ick.
233)Do you get into alot of fights?: only with my mom and borther.
234)Do you run your mouth?: about some things.
235)Are you good at keeping secrets?: again, about some things.
236)Can people trust you?: people seem to.
237)Do you have cable in your room?: not in my room. everywhere else in the house i do.
238)Do you speak your mind?: a lil too much sometimes.
239)Do you watch the Disney channel?: not anymore.
240)Do you watch MTV?: MTV2...sometimes.
241)Do you watch BET?: no.
242)What do you think of Carson Daily?: that's easy, i don't.
243)Do you like Nelly?: i liked that one song...
246)Do you think this survey is long?: ya know, it wouldn't be so long if this question wasn't asked every 10 minutes.
247)Do you have alot of self-confidence?: not really.
248)Do you cry alot?: ooooh yes.
249)Do you cry if you don't get your way?: i like to whine..but not cry.
250)Are you spoiled?: lots of people think so just cuz my dad bought me a car...but i didn't ask for it dammit! it just happened! now my borther, HE is spoiled to no end.
251)Are you a brat?: nah.
252)Do you get whateva you want?: i don't get a lot of what i want.
253)Do you have to work for what you want?: why do you think i'm working at Six Flags?
254)Do you listen to sappy song(s)?: sometimes... but i can be a really sappy person too.
255)Do you go into chatrooms alot?: not anymore. not at all.
256)What is your e-mail address?: mudoholic@aol.com
257)Are you sick of this survey yet?: the time has come the walrus said...
258)Do you like eeyore: sure.
259)Do you like cartoons?: yes!
260)Who is your favorite cartoon character?: Jem and the Holograms!
261)Do you get in trouble alot?: not as much as i should...i just never get caught.
262)Have you ever gotten in trouble wit the cops before?: only when they gave me an invisable parking ticket.
263)What time is it now?: sunday, 3:10 pm
264)Have you ever lied to a cop?: never had to talk to one directly.
265)Have you ever been in love?: *empatically nods head yes*
266)Have you ever been in love soo much it made you cry?: yes.
267)Have you ever cried over someone?: oh, i don't know, maybe just a lil bit. *rolls eyes*
268)Do you have a lot of trustworthy friends?: i like to think so.
269)Are you a trustworthy person?: again, i like to think so.
270)Do you wear alot of jewlery?: when i'm not at work, i wear my fair share.
271)What kind of jewlery do you wear?: no! i refuse to repeat myself!
273)Is your belly button, an innie or an outie?: innie.
274)What's your favorite ice cream?: cookie dough and mint chocolate chip.
275)What's your favorite day?: thursday...cuz it seems to be the day i get off the most.
276)What's your favorite thing to do on the weekend?: NOT work. but, since that never happens....
277)Do you like cherry coke?: i live on wild cherry pepsi.
278)Do you like Sprite?: hell yeah
279)Do you know what moutain dew does to your body?: i can only imagine.
280)Do you like cherries?: yes.
281)Do you like strawberries?: yes.
282)Do you like kool-aid?: yes...ghetto kool-aid
283)What's your favorites kool-aid flavor?: strawberry kiwi
284)What's your favorite snapple flavor?: pink lemonade
285)Do you like pie?: oh yes.
286)Do you like gettin' dirty?: i love getting wet....BY THE RAIN..you perverts.
287)Do you like ice tea?: sometimes.
288)Have you seen " Scary Movie" yet?: uhhuh.
289)If you have, then what is your favorite part of the movie?: i'mnot sure.
290)Where's your favorite place to vacation?: Cincinnati. :)
291)If you had a chance would you move out of your hometown?: i pray to get that chance next year.
292)Do you like reading books?: yup. i don't like having to read them by a deadline though.
293)Do you like reading magazines?:mags
294)Do you believe in fate?: it's not fate, it's just circumstance...
295)Do you believe in Love at First Sight?: lust at first sight.
296)Do you play video games?: not really anymore. i used to though.
297)Have you ever streaked?: around my basement waiting for my laundry to finish.
298)Have you ever skipped school?: i've been "sick" a lot.
299)Have you ever been skinny dipping?: no...but Leslie has. fucken..hibbdy gr..hibit blah.
300)Do you believe in yourself?: only in certain situations.
current mood:  bored
current music: Beth Orton - Best Bit
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
1:26 pm - give me all your lonely nights, i'll keep 'em here with mine.
|
i don't remember the last time i posted...was it friday? i don't know. i'm losing track of the days. i work too much.
anyhow, things are going good for the moment. especially when it comes to Leslie. ever since thursday night after we got things worked out (for the most part) it has just been nice. i'm still going up there next week while dad and Scott are outta town at GenCon. i think my mom might actually let me drive up there this time. she hasn't said no, and i have some damn good reasons as to why she should let me drive up there. and i'm gonna push them as hard as i can. it's going to be funny though. Leslie decided that we are just to remain friends, cuz getting back together and then breaking up again would be too hard, and doing the friends with benifits would be too hard. (have i gone into this already? i think i have.) but last night, she was all like, "oooh no mica....i'm screwed!" refering to the fact that she says she has no self control or will power when it comes to me, and the fact that i'm going to be there for a week. it was just so funny. she was getting so upset (like, funny upset, not serious upset). so i just laughed and said, "oh, how fun this next week is going to be for me!" but seriously, if she doesn't want me to do anything, i'm not going to. and, even if she does want me to, i'm gonna try not to....or at least make damn sure she knows what she's doing before i do. but she is right though, it is going to be hard. cuz that was one thing that was never a problem for us.... and i'm not even talking about sex. just kissing and being cute and cuddly. it's going to be so hard not to just do that. she told me last night when i couldn't go to sleep to just listen to her heartbeat...and i said, "it's not fair that you can say that now, but next week i won't be able to really fall asleep to that." and she was like, "i don't think i have THAT much will power. i can try and maybe even succeed at not doing anything, but i can't not just sleep with you." this, my friends, made me extremely happy. becuz my absolute favorite thing to do is to fall asleep in her arms, listening to her heart beat. or vice-versa. it's just so incredibly peaceful. i would give everything up just to be able to do that.
it's cute....the past two nights, when we say goodbye, she keeps slippin up. like the other night after she said sweet dreams, she said, "i l-....sorry." and last night, she said sweet dreams, angel. and went *muah*. i kinda laughed and she was like, "dammit! see? i don't even realize it. i am so screwed next week..." i don't mind. i think it's cute. and it makes me feel a lot better. to know that i'm not the only one hanging on...to know that i'm not alone in all of this. it's just...nice.
but, she's leaving for band camp today in about an hour. so, no talking to Leslie for a week. boohoo. oh well, not like i would be able to talk to her a whole bunch this next week anyways. they have me working every day except for monday. screw that. i'm pissed off at Six Flags at the moment. cuz they work me too hard, and i have no time for other things that i have to get done regarding school. and it also dawned on me that because of them, me and Leslie broke up when we did. i mean yes, it would have happened eventually, but it was mainly that whole week before Wisconsin when we didn't ever talk because i was ALWAYS at fucken work and got home too late to call her that made the break up happen when it did. so, fuck them. i was supposed to be in at 9:30 this morning. it's 1:20. i called in late. why? cuz i wanted to sleep in. and do some laundry. if they want to fire me, they can go right ahead. i'm one of the hardest damn workers they have, and if they are going to fire me cuz i'm too tired to wake up in the morning cuz THEY overwork my ass, then so be it. it's all the same to me. maybe if they did i'd be able to get started with my independent studies class for Humanities and finish Bleak House.
oh well. my mom told me that if i don't get at least 2 days off a week, she's goin up there and raising hell. thank god for my mom. sometimes her being a bitch is a very good thing.
but, i suppose i should go take a shower sometime soon before it gets any later. i mean, i DID say i'd come into work SOMETIME....
current mood:  content
current music: Lucy Kaplansky ~ Promise Me
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, July 19th, 2001
| |
12:12 am - i needed that....
|
her: hey, you're home from work?
me: whoa. i didn't see you get on.
her: just did
me: yeah, i've been home for a lil bit.
her: that's cool
me: i was just getting ready to email you back and apologize for acting like such an asshole.
her: god, Jess...I'm not avoiding you...I'm not...
her: I've been so busy
her: soccer
her: work
her: band
me: i know...and i overreact about things. it was just bad timing for you to get busy i think..
her: I just...you scared me.
me: it just really seemed like ever since the other night, you haven't said more than two words to me...except for that one phone call.
me: i scared you? with the email?
her: it's 2 days, Jess. We went longer without talking while we were together
her: yes
me: i know..but those were the 2 days after what happened the other night...thus the reason i overreacted so damn much and got mad.
her: and I know you think I don't care...and that's not it at all. I do, I do care...and I know we have to talk about things, and I'm not trying to push you away
me: and i believe you. i just...ugh...you know how i can get...how my mind can be....and i scare myself.....and i'm sorry i scared you with the email..as soon as i got to work i was like, "fuck, what did i just do? she's gonna hate me."
me: i've never been mad at you in my life, and it was insanely idiotic of me to get mad at you about all this shit. i'm just scared. i'm scared that you don't care, i'm scared that i'm holding on to something that no longer exsists....i'm scared that i fucked everything up the other night...i'm just fucken scared.
her: I just, I weren't so...paranoid....just put your mind on hold...take it easy...breathe for a while.
her: I called you as soon as I got home but it was busy
me: tonight?
her: yeah
her: like 11;30
me: yeah, i was going to call you as soon as i got in, but i thought i should check my mail first just in case. i honestly wasn't expecting anything. i figured you would be at Anthony's all night, and that i would just spend tomorrow sleeping.
her: why? Do you not think I care?
her: I have to work 2-5
her: fuck
me: i...i was starting to think that.
me: tomorrow?
her: I checked my schedule today
her: wasn't expecting to be owrking till Sat.
me: dammit all to hell.
her: I do care. DOn't you ever think that I don't care
her: Um...well
her: lets see
me: i know you care...i mean, just.. people do that to me. they fuck me over. they tell me that they still care, and that i should stop being paranoid...and as soon as i believe them, they go and dick me. and i know you know this, but it's hard to just stop thinking that people are going to fuck me over when that's all i've ever known.
her: mayb e I could call off.
her: babe...just stop. Stop thinking
me: you don't have to....i don't want you to get in trouble or anything on account of me...
her: you matter to me
her: I'd call off work for you
me: lol. if i told you to just stop thinking do you think you could just shut off yer brain?
her: well, I just mean..stop worrying. Please...just ...
her: I don't want to you be pisses or mad or sonfused anymore
me: babe, i'm gonna be confused until the day i die. there is no helping that.
her: do you still want to com tomorrow?
me: of course i do.
her: but not on account of me
her: do you have friday off?
me: i was just thinking you didn't want me to anymore...
me: not anymore. i'm working morning shift so that i don't have to work a double on saturday
her: JESS. STOP! YES I want you to. You know this
her: what have I done to make you lose this much faith in me?
me: it's not you....it's just...i don't even know. all the times i've tried to stay friends with exs...it just, doesn't work well....and i'm so used to having to deal with thier new gf....and like, i just keep expecting to have to go through that with you too.
her: yes, we haven't talked much lately only because I'm busy...not because I don't care, not because I'm like....venuting to New York to be in a long distance relationship, not because I hate you....because I'm busy.
her: veturing*
her: venturing**
me: i guess i'm trying to prepare myself or something. make myself think that you don't care anymore so that it doesn't hurt as much when you actually do find someone else.
me: and also, i think i'm not used to you being so busy. and you've become so busy at a time when i'm already insecure and confused. and it's not yer fault, i know that. but i just can't help myself.
her: what makes you think that I'm getting with someone else?
me: you will eventually.
her: eventually, yes. Tomorrow, no
me: i'm just used to it being tomorrow. ya know? i always get dumped for the next chick in line. i'm used to dealing with that.
me: i'm used to riding to work with my exgf of 2 weeks, and her new gf. that's the only way i know how to deal with break ups up to this point.
her: listen to me...I AM NOT EVERYONE ELSE. I am not just another girlfriend, and you're not just another girlfriend to me. There is no line of other chicks, and I don't want there to be. This whole 8 months I've never lied to you, treated you badly...done naything to lose your trust, or ....anything.....I am not everyone else
her: okay...? Just...stop thinking "Before this is what happened" and live now. Stop worrying about what everyone else has done. Stop and think about how you know me...who I am...
me: i know your not like anything else.....you're like nobody i've ever been with...you're so much better it's not even funny...and you've never treated me like anybody else....and i shouldn't think that you'd treat me like everybody else has after we broke up.....i just can't help it.
her: well HELP IT! Please!
her: I don't know what else to say to make you believe me
me: i mean, i do know you...and i know in my heart that you mean what you say and what you do...and i DO believe you....i just doubt myself. way too much.
her: well stop...just stop doubtingy ourself, and me.
her: just...clear you mind..and think about us.
her: things are different
me: things are different. things have been different with you from the very start. nothing about our relationship has been anything like ive ever known..... i think that's another reason i doubt myself so much...cuz it's all unkown to me...i don't know how to handle somebody actually caring for me after they break up with me.
me: at times i didn't know how to handle it when we were together, cuz nobody has ever loved me as much as you did.
her: sit back and relax, know everythings gonna be okay. know that I care for you, know that I love you, and always will
me: i dunno know about always...but i know it for right now.
her: there you go doubting
her: stop
me: shit. see? i don't even notice it.
her: stop
me: i just need to see you. i need for you to just hold me and tell me that your not going to leave and dissapear as soon as you find somebody new. i need to just see it in your eyes and i'll know you say what you mean.
me: i mean, i belive you now. but if i see it in your eyes, i won't have to doubt it anymore.
her: then come see me tomorrow and I'll show you
me: promise?
her: lol...yes I promise. There you go doubting
me: oh shutup. lol.
current mood:  relieved
current music: Animal House is playing in the other room.....
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, July 18th, 2001
| |
3:32 pm - alskdjgo;awringbon;fasldkfn'
|
okay. now i've moved from not knowing what i feel, to just being pissed off. and i don't like this. i have never been angry at Leslie, but this shit is just ridiculous and it's pissing me off.
she called me this morning after scoccer practice like she said she was going to . *gasp* guess how long that conversation lasted? oh, about 40 seconds tops:
me: "hello?"
her: "oh shit, go back to sleep"
me: "no i'm good."
her: "no, go. i was just calling to let you know i was going to Beth and Angie's for breakfast. if i get home before 4, i'll call you."
me: "jesus."
her: "i'll talk to you later."
me: "whatever."
her: "g'night." (i think)
me: "bye."
*click*
ugh. i just slammed the phone down and just stared at the phone with tears streaming down my face. not sad tears. tears that were screaming inside: "what the fuck did i do to make you avoid me like this? why won't you just fucking talk to me for more than 2 minutes!?!" then i was pissed cuz i couldn't get back to sleep. but then i finally did and i had the most fucked up dreams...and in each one she dicked me over somehow. i hate this. why is this happening? it's not supposed to be like this. i'm not supposed to let myself get all angry and upset. but if she doesn't stop avoiding me, i'm not gonna have a damn clue as to what to do tomorrow. she wanted me to come up to see her tomorrow on my off day. i haven't talked to her since she said that. i mean, if she's coming up with all these excuses to not even talk to me, why the hell would she want me to come see her?
i sent her a kind of nasty email about all this. well, i don't know about nasty. but i wasn't being incredibly nice about things. and i was being overlly sarcastic. i prolly shouldn't of sent it, but how else was i going to get a hold of her? since she's always checking her fucking email...god.
oh, just a random thought. i decided this morning that if she is in a another long distance relationship, or if she gets into one in the near future, i want her to tell me. i want her to tell me how much in love she is with so and so who lives in New York or whereever, and that she loves them so much that she's willing to wait for them, blah blah fucking blah. i want her to tell me all about it just so i can prove to myself that no matter what somebody tells me, no matter how much they say they love me, that in the end they are going to just fuck me over and do all the things i was paranoid about them doing. that way i can just go into relationships expecting to get fucked over and not have my heart ripped into a million pieces like it always eventually does.
fuck all this. i have to leave for work in 15 minutes. and as if i wasn't going to work in a horrible mood, it's the absolute most disgusting day outside. it is so humid i can hardly breathe, and i was only out there for not even 5 minutes moving a car. i'm gonna die. oh well. at least i got plenty of sleep last night. blah.
current mood:  aggravated
current music: tick tock tick tock tick tock..
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, July 17th, 2001
| |
11:58 pm - ugh.
|
i am not a happy camper right now. not one bit.
i didn't talk to Leslie last night. i didn't talk to her tonight. i called, but no one picked up. i think, no big deal, i'll just drop her an email letting her know that i don't work tomorrow until 4:00 and i'd give her a call before then. just as i'm opening up the email, she signs online and IMs me. she says about two words to me and then goes, "well i just got on to check my mail. i need some sleep i haven't had any since yesterday morning" when i mentioned she didn't call me last night like she said she would, all she had to say was, "i know, i know. i forgot."
jesus man. why am i so damn sensitive? it feels like she just doesn't care anymore. i'm sure that's not the case, but still. it's not like her to just forget shit like that. it's like her to accidently fall asleep, but not just plain old forget. man. i hate this shit. i feel like i'm just holding on to the air sometimes. blah. i hate it i hate it hate it. Sean keeps telling me that i can't let her go because of a living situation. that he did that with the only girl he's ever loved and he regrets it more than anything he's ever done. i'm so scared that's gonna turn into me. i don't want to turn into Sean. good god no. i wish she could be stronger. i wish she could be as emotionally strong as me to just put up with the distance a lil bit longer. but i can't ask that of her. she's only 15. she's got 3 more years of highschool ahead of her. i've only got 1. what 15 year old waits around for a year for thier girlfriend? who even meets thier life partener at 15? sometimes i think i'm just fooling myself about all this love shit. but dammit, i don't know what else i could be but in love. i would give and do anything for her. all she has to do is just ask, and if it is my power, she'll recieve it. i've never been so completely willing and open to anybody before. and never so honest. i have never lied to her about anything. that's a first. there has always been something with everybody. but not her. i never felt the need to be nothing but honest to her. i just can't help but wonder sometimes if she's been the same with me...
and dammit. what the hell is with her always checking her mail all the damn time? everytime i talk to her, she's just online to check her mail. or when we're on the phone, she's has to check her mail before she leaves for whereever she's going. jesus. i need to stop worrying about shit. i don't have the right to worry about it anyways.
she's not my girlfriend. she's not my girlfriend. she's not my fucking girlfriend.
blah. i'm just not in a good mood at all. and it sucks. i had a great day. the first good day i've had in a while. and we even won all three of our sets in volleyball tonight. our first time. we usually win 2 out of the 3. and now i'm fucken just...blah. i don't know if i'm angry, sad, or just plain upset. fuck it. i'm gonna go read and sleep.
gr.
current mood: just...blah.
current music: Empire Records was playing a while ago....woo!
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, July 16th, 2001
| |
3:48 pm - the sign that says George Washington slept here, don't nobody spite him, but guess who was beside him?
|
i hate it when the schedule isn't posted before the new week is up. nobody knew when i worked today. me included. so i drive all the way to work (and it is quite a drive) during rush hour traffic, to find out the i didn't have to come in til 4:00. i had the option to stay, but i was just like, "ha! yeah right." and left. thus, driving all the way back home, still during rush hour. so in effect, i had the exact opposite morning that DykeStar did. lol. how sad am i?
but, i got to talk to Leslie for an hour or so. and i got a few extra hours of sleep. yay! we mostly just talked about random things...nothing we needed to talk about. which i pointed out before she left to take a nap. she said, "i know...i like to postpone things.." and i told her she was damn good at it. so she's gonna call me tonight at midnight if i don't get home sooner so that we can talk about some real things. well, not like our conversation wasn't real, just...not full of the things we really needed to talk about.
i had fucked up dreams last night. i couldn't tell you the plot if i tried. but it included my old french teacher, fighting and running away from my old best friend who now hates me, leslie's dogs, a kia sportage, another old friend, vodka smoothies, and a candle made out of haggis. yeah. don't ask. lol.
well, i need to get outta this place. i have to be at work in about 20 mins. and i said i'd actually try to be there on time today. yep. we'll see what happens with that.
current mood:  full
current music: the Tea Party ~ Walking Wounded
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
2:06 am - last night.
|
okay, because i am damn exhausted, i'm hoping this will be short. i'm only writing here cuz i need to get some thoughts out. well, not even thoughts. just stuff.
anyways. i was on the phone last night with Leslie from 12:00 til 5:00 am. i was really hyper and silly and in a damn good mood, so it was a really good conversation. prolly around 3ish, i changed from hyper to horny. i don't remember how exactly..but i think it had something to do with Gina Gershon and the movie BOUND *drools* and, she kinda had that same transition. so, long story short, we kept talking (or as the case was, NOT talking..but more like growling and biting lips) and we started to say not so "friendly" things....and eventually...well... *ahem*.yeah... not so "friendly" stuff occured.. *ahem*... and like...i don't know... it's wierd now, cuz i don't know exactly how things stand between us. i dunno if we are gonna turn into a friends with benefits type deal...or it we're getting back together for the summer (since it looks like i'll be getting 2 days off a week...which equals 2 days a week i can sneak off to Cincinnati)....or if we are just going to pretend like it didn't happen and go on being "just friends". i have no idea. and i won't til after work tomorrow cuz i didn't get to talk to her about it tonight cuz i had a fucken team meeting and got home too late. blah on that. but yeah...i don't regret any of it...and given the chance, i more than likely would have done the same thing. but, i don't know how she feels about all that.
aside from *that* whole thing, last night's conversation was very helpful and very good. i told her a lot of stuff that had been bothering me and making me upset the past few days (i.e. Ashley..the invisable long distance person) and tried to explain my thought process about things and how i get paranoid about the littlest thing. she reassured me that nothing was going on, and i was indeed silly and too paranoid. and, i believe her. i realized something about myself last night. the reason i've been so paranoid about things with her (and and all through our relationship) is because in the past, as soon as i start to let go and trust somebody completly, they turn around and fuck me over. and so my brain had been telling me to stop trusting people i'm with so completely and to be a skeptic. and a paranoid bastard as well. and she said she totally understood, but that she wasn't going to fuck me over and that i needed to stop thinking shit like that cuz i knew it wasn't going to happen and that she wasn't that type of person. and, i really needed to hear lots of the stuff she told me cuz it's helping me to recover from the past. and i honestly think she is telling me the truth. she has never lied to me before..why start now? well, she did lie to me when we first started "talking" about having silk sheets...but that was just her being silly. i'm gonna take that big step and let my guard down when it comes to her. hell, i'll prolly end up getting hurt, but at least i won't keep hurting myself everytime i start to think stupid shit. so in the long run, it'll be less hurt...i hope.
but yes. i have this thursday off. i'm thinking the only people that are going to know about this are my work crew, me, and Leslie. cuz Leslie wants me to come see her then. i want to go see her then. i'll just let my parents think i'm working a doublt thursday...doot do doo...what they don't know won't hurt them. i'll just be careful not to park in any invisable fire lanes this time. teehee.
oh, i just want to give a big ole thank you to everybody who has responded to my posts the past few days. or to those who have even read them. it makes me feel all warm and tingly inside to know that people i don't really even know care enuff to write me a lil note to apologize for what i'm going through and hope that things get better. you guys rock my lil world. thank you. :)
but anyways, it's almost 2 am. i need to make up for the sleep i lost last night. so much for this being short, eh? oh well.
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, July 14th, 2001
| |
3:25 am - haha.... see? i'm NOT a slut!
|
i do find it amusing though...apparently "3,490 women agreed with me, and chose Angelina Jolie as the best sex option of all time." even though it IS out of 3,868,733 people. oh well. it's still amusing.
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| |
2:43 am - ha.... damn queers....
|
teehee....i love the spark. hey, it's not a bad percetage to have.. *snicker*
According to the Gay Test...
You are 69% GAY!
The typical lesbian is only 44% gay!
Here's how you compare:
people less gay than you (66%)
people just as gay as you (2%)
people gayer than you (30%)
Based on the 8,517 submissions before you.
damn. Tina is 83% gay. lol. she's such a damn dyke.
ha....and as a "straight female" i'm 62% gay. wooha. when i'm straight i'm gayer then 98% of the people who took the test. lol. i rock.
current mood:  amused
current music: Presidents of the United States of America ~ Lump
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| |
2:23 am - r u crazy? just ask them
|
let's see how crazy i am....
Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate
hm. i never knew i was Nacissistic or Obsessive-Compulsive. well, moderatly anyways. how can i be Narissistic? i have the lowest self-esteem in the world. i pretend to have an ego. but, it's all imaginary. lol. the Dependent thing is a DUH though. i mean, anybody who reads my journal can tell me that much. my mother tells me that all the time. oh, and lets not forget Anna who calls me Co-Dependent just cuz i fell in love. seesh!
current mood:  confused
current music: Jewel ~ 1,000 Miles Away
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| |
1:20 am - *tonight.......tonight...*
|
so tonight has just been wierd.
i was only supposed to work morning shift today. i had made plans to do something with Katie since she's leaving tomorrow for PAFA. i haven't seen her since she left for GSA. that was like, 4 or 5 weeks ago. i MISS this woman! so i was royaly pissed at first when they told me i pretty much had to stay for night shift as well. but then i found out i only have to work night tomorrow and that Katie isn't leaving til later in the day. so yay. i get to see her. also, it didn't get much past 80 today. so it was a NICE day to be working a double...weather wise at least.
"the promise" by Tracy Chapman just came on. man. this song....i haven't listened to this song since we broke up.... god i miss her.
it was so wierd. i called her when i got home tonight. she was playing Mario Bros. (big surprise.) ....with Ashley. now see, Ashley is this girl that i met at the Ani concert where i met Leslie at. all i knew about Ashley was that they "kinda sorta but not really dated". like, what the hell does that mean? i found that out tonight. apparently "kinda sorta but not really dated" means that they made out one night at Anthony's house and then "talked" afterwards. (like i know what "talked" means?) this shouldn't really matter to me right? ha. yeah, sure. whatever. it wouldn't really bother me that much i don't think if they hung out all the time. but they don't. they like, NEVER hang out. Leslie hardly talks about her either. in the 8 months we were together, i heard Ashleys name only a handfull of times. i heard more about Ashley from Megan. they "kinda" dated too. she seems to "kinda" date a lot of people. i was talking to Megan tonight about it and Megan kinda went off. apparently Ashley was the first person Leslie "met" after her and Megan broke up. (or as Megan said, the first person she "went" to) i don't know. and the whole time i was on the phone i kept getting tossed between the two of them. constant laughter and giggling. so many sexual innuendos. smacking. yelling. i don't know.... it just sounded like they were flirting with eachother constantly. i think it was just me though. i'm gathering that this is just the way Ashley is. and it's also the way Leslie is. i kept making remarks and comments about them doing shit. Leslie would be like, "yeah, right." or "ew no way!" but Ashley would run with 'em. i don't know. at 11:11 Leslie told me to make a wish. i wished that her and Ashley wouldn't do anything tonight. jesus. i am such a fucken jealous person. and i more than likely have nothing to be jealous about. i always get like this after a break up though. like, no matter who it is, if they are hanging out with somebody they don't usually hang out with, i'm like, "oh great, we just broke up and they are already getting with somebody else". well, in the case with Katie it was true. but, i figured that out while she was breaking up with me. even though she didn't bother to tell me until later. blah.
ANYWAYS.
why do i put myself through this shit? and why do i think the things i do? i do this a lot. after a break up, i start to doubt EVERYTHING. i mean, i doubt a lot of shit while the relationship is going on. but when they break up with me? forget it. i start to think the whole relationship was a lie. or that the reason they gave me for breaking up was a lie. (a.k.a. distance) no matter how much i KNOW they loved me or how faithful they were to me, i always start to think it was all bullshit. except for of course when i break up with them. but, that's only happened a whopping 2 times. and both times they were with people that...well, were NOTHING compared to Leslie. or Jill. or even Katie for christ's sake. like in my random post from last night. now i start thinking things to the affect of Leslie never loved me as much as i loved her. which i know is not true. hell, this girl was talking about growing old together. and the strange thing was, when she'd talk about it, i could actually see it in my head. i could picture us as two old ladies sitting on our front porch rocking in our chairs drinking coffee and watching our dogs play. i mean, that is insane. i've never been able to picture myself growing old with somebody. but yeah. when i do shit like this, sometimes it's a good thing, cuz it allows me to see things that i was blinded by before. especially with Katie. this process was wonderful on Katie cuz most of the stuff i was thinking was right! but with Leslie, this is all just ridiculous. i know she loves me. even though we are not together, i know she does. you don't just stop. and if you do....i mean, what the hell. how can you? it's impossible to feel so incredibly in love with somebody, break up only because of the distance, and then 3 days later not care. i don't think so. it's not human. even still....i just can't help but think "what if?" what if there IS somebody else? what if the distance WAS just an excuse and she is just a REALLY damn good actor? what if her and Ashley "kinda sorta but not really date" tonight? (a.k.a make out and then "talk") just...what if what if what if? what if's scare the shit out of me. what if's are what always ruin things for me...no matter what the situation. a what if always gets me. ("like...if i'm out of cheese, and i think i'll go out and get some more cheese...but then i'm like, what if..what if the store is out of cheese....?"...ha...ellen..yes!) oh well. i need to stop being so paranoid.
*chants* the world does not revolve around me...the world does not revolve around me.........okay, so maybe it does...but still.... =�
okay. i'm in a better mood now.
besides, tonight on the phone, Leslie asked me if i was still coming up to see her the first week in August when i have off work. i asked her if she still wanted me to, and she was like, "duh, yes." so yeah...it wasn't an entirely bad experiance. actually, it was quite amusing and funny for the most part. just little things that were said (most likely in a totally harmless way) i took the wrong way and i got upset. blah. hate it when i do that.
it was cute when i was on the phone though. cuz while i was talking to Leslie her mom came in the room and was talking, and i was like "hi hi hi hi!" and Les said hi to her mom for me. and i heard her mom go "Jeeeeesssssssssica? come hooooooommme jesssssiccccaaaa!" hehe. she's so cute. i love her mom. she's so great. and she called her home, my home. even though she was just playing, when i'm there, it does feel like home. i feel more at home there than i do in my own house. it's insane. they make me feel so welcome. and they like, trust me to stay the whole day there alone while Les is at school/work and both her parents are at work. they makes me feel all warm and tingally inside. they like me AND the trust me. i told her parents i was moving into the basement. they said i'd have to share with Maggie sometimes, but that i was welcome. lol. i was just jokin with them. god i love them so much. see, just another reason why i can't let Leslie out of my life. i love her parents too much! not to mention her dogs. my god i love those pups. and they love me. Winney is a jumpy dog. but not a licky dog. she doesn't lick hardly anybody. but, she licks me. even when i DONT have something on my face or hand. hehe. god, i love those dogs. i think even if Leslie did decide to hate me, i'd still come up to Cincy to see her parents and her dogs. lol. not to mention visit Megan and Dan'l. me and Megan have to go thrifting and get more ice cream. and buy new sunglasses. oh yes. it's gonna kick ass. wooha.
ha. speaking of Megan, after we got on the subject of Ashley, it led to Leslie and i started to talk about the break up and stuff. then i realized i was talking to Megan. Leslie's exgf Megan. lol. so i shutup. but it was cool. it's odd though. we've been friends ever since me and Leslie first met at the concert...when me and Megan met too. and in those 8 months, we have managed to never talk about Leslie, or if we did, it was very brief and not in detail at all. we have managed to keep a sperate friendship. and it's a really good thing too. cuz if i had to lose Megan when i lost Leslie, i'd be pissed. cuz Megan is really damn cool, and i have a lot of fun with her. so yeah. i used to not like it that when we talked niether one of us really acknowledged the fact that me and Leslie were together. like i was hiding something. but now i'm glad for it. and i never was hiding things. Megan knew from the night at the concert when she saw us kissing that we were together...or at least liked eachother...obviously. and she apparently knew about the breakup, but never said anything about it until i did. it's odd sometimes. cuz her and Leslie are still friends. but since we have mantained a seperate friendship, it's really really odd when i'm up there and i want to see Megan. cuz like, when it's just the two of us, it's great fun. but when it's all three of us, things are just wierd and awkward. like nobody wants to say anything that will offend the other. i dunno. but now that Leslie works sometimes when i go up there, i can go see Megan while Leslie works without spending any less time with Les.
but anyways...what does any of this matter? jesus this is long and pointless. well, since when is anything i right pointiful? ha. pointiful. it could be a word. i mean, if something is going to be lacking points, can't it be full of them? i rest my case.
jesus i need to be shot with the way my mind wonders. *ahem* anyhow, i guess i should go to sleep or something. even though i'm not really sleepy. and i don't have to work til 4 tomorrow. *does a happy dance* even though i am working 62 fucken hours next week. doubles every other day. argh. but...i don't have to work tomorrow morning, so it's all good. but, i am going to get up at a decent hour to do something with Katie before she leaves. say about...10:00 or 11:00...ha. if i wake up before then it'll be a miracle. oh well. i think i'll pray for a miracle...ha. me, pray? right. actually...i did find out tonight that Katie's (my ex) grandma just passed away last night. she asked for prayers. and, i think i am going to light a candle and say a little prayer to whatever god or goddess hears it. cuz her grandma was a really nice lady. we went and saw her on her birthday back when me and her were still together. she was so nice to me. i actually had a lot of fun sitting on the front porch talking to this old lady. it was nice. i hope she is happy and peaceful whereever she is now.
but i digress. i'm going...i'm going i'm gone. ("mmm mm mmmm..." hehe. Ms. Ferrick rocks.)
current mood:  okay
current music: Dar Williams ~ When I Was a Boy
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Friday, July 13th, 2001
| |
2:08 am - oh boy...here i go with the sad shit...
|
it's odd. sometimes i feel absolutly fine about the break up. we are still friends in every sense of the word. we talk on the phone, laugh and are just silly. when we talk, it's not like much has changed except for our goodbyes are much more abrupt and there is no "i love you" or anything cutesy like that. and now there are certain things i can't really say or talk about...like sex. i don't mean to sound shallow...but damn the sex was great. lol. and it really sucks not to be able to talk about it anymore... but that's incredibly pointless and not important at all.
but like, other times, i just get myself so sad and depressed about the whole situation.like we were talking on the phone today, i like the whole time i was crying. well, not crying i guess. but tears were continuously falling down my cheeks. i'm not entirely sure why, either. i guess i just started thinking about stuff. i dunno. and i've noticed no matter how good a mood i am in, as soon as i tell somebody that we broke up, i start to cry. except for when i told Katie, Whit and Erin. i almost did, but stopped myself cuz we were at the movies. but just...i keep telling myself that things are going to be fine. and that i have no reason to be so upset because it's not like she left me for somebody else, or that i did something wrong or that our feelings faded. (cuz if the last few days are any indication, they had just gotten stronger) it was just the distance. something that niether of us could help. and if it wasn't for the distance, we'd still be together. i mean, she says that a lot when ever i joke around about things.
or at least that's all i know. the paranoid side of me is so scared that there is somebody else. and not only that but it's somebody else that's long distance. i don't have any basis for this fear whatsoever. and logically i don't think it's true. i mean, i really, i don't think if she was "talking" to somebody new things wouldn't have been as great as they were...as they still are friendship wise. i have no idea. i'm just constantly afraid of things i shouldn't be. i mean, even if there is somebody, it's not like i can do anything about it. and technically, i'm not supposed to care cuz we aren't together. ya know? i told her straight up though in a half joking mostly serious way that if she ever did get into another long distance relationship anytime soon, just not to tell me about it because it would be a slap in the face and break my heart...and then i would kill her. lol. but seriosuly....i have no idea. i think the only reason i think this is because everytime i would take a shower whenever i got out she would be upstairs typing furiously on the computer. and right before we broke up that was the case, and as i was walking up the stairs she quickly stopped typing, closed some windows and signed off. i joked saying, "emailing your secret lover?" she was just like, "yeah, that's it" really sarcastically. but never told me what she was doing. and i don't konw why, but i just got really upset inside and when we put on the movie i just started to kinda cry....i never told her about the email, cuz i mean, that's just silly on my part. she was prolly just finishing up to be polite and not keep me waiting (i hope i hope i hope). but i did tell her something else that was bothering me, about how the week before when we hardly ever talked becuz i was always at work and how it made me sad...and scared i was going to lose her...but that this whole past week had been so amazing and i was so glad to have had it. and then she was just quit for a while...and when i pulled her back to me and asked her what was wrong SHE started crying. she started with "the only reason we got to see eachother this week is cuz we planned it way in advance...and once school starts it's not going to get any better....i just can't handle another year like last year..." then we both started crying even harder and just....that was it..... it was over. and it felt like it had happened out of nowhere. it went from like, her signing off line, to us eating pizza, to us breaking up. it was so confusing. i asked her if this had been on her mind for awhile or if this was just a random thing. she said she had been thinking the week before since we never talked. and i think i knew that at that time, cuz whenever we DID talk, it was awkward. and it's usually not like that, which is why i got scared in the first place. another thing that made the break up odd is that i had just got done spilling my heart telling her how afraid i had been that i was going to lose her and how much i didn't want lose her....and then 5 mins later she breaks up with me....i don't consider it a like, rude thing or whatever. but like...i don't know....why then? what made her do it just then? it's like she confirmed all my fears of losing her. i have no idea what i'm talking about. but it was all just really confusing. because she asked if i wanted to go ahead and leave but that she didn't want me to really....and that us being friends would go into affect tuesday night after i left, but then would stop herself when she would go to kiss me....and then she wouldn't...and then she would....and on tuesday she just like, gave up on that completely and we had the most amazing sex of my life. again, not a terribly important thing, but still NOT something "friends" do usually! actually, i guess that was kinda important....i think maybe that symbolized the end of the "romantic" part of our relationship...you know like, one last night...go out with a bang? i have no idea. but i don't regret it....even though i did cry afterwards. but, i think that was normal...i mean...it was the last time we made love....and it was amazing on so much more than a physical level...well, for me. i have no clue. i'm sure nobody wants to hear about all this...but i'm just typing whatever comes into my mind. i guess i should work on that. i talk like that too. and i think talking like that is what got me upset this afternoon on the phone with her. i just kept saying things that i didn't even realize really. and they got her in a bad mood and they made me depressed. today has just been an off day. i told my mom and of course she made me cry and made me talk about it. i actually refused to at some point. now she thinks i'm trying to bottle it all up and deny that it's happened and just ignore it. she might be right, but i just didn't want to cry anymore! she's right on the fact that it doesn't feel like we are broken up most the time. especially when i was there. like i said, it's not until we get to the goodbyes is it that i remember that i can't tell her that i love her anymore. and that's when i really get sad. and tonight i looked at her profile. and now there are 3 stars around a Tegan & Sara quote there weren't there before. the quote was, stars weren't. quote: "I came out laughing, screaming, dancing. " and now there's a new quote: "Get in, I'll drive as fast as I can, and we'll keep going till nothing's familiar, get in I'll drive, it's a time to be free, come on and go with me." by Andrea Maybaum, whoever that is. it's like...i don't know...like she feels free of our relationship or something. again, i have no idea why i think these things. i dunno. the second one almost sounds like she's talking to somebody...like that imaginary new person i keep thinking about. i just read too deep into things, i think. i don't know. i just think sometimes that i feel different about things than she does. like for me, our relationship was a first for me. i've never felt that way about anybody. and never had a relationship where i felt so comfortable with everything i did and said. and it was just amazing for me. sometimes i think i was just another girlfriend for her. like it was no big deal really. like i wasn't the biggest love of her life like she was/is mine. like in everything i was just more so thrilled and amazed by it than she was. sometimes i think that this break up hasn't affected her at all. like it is absolutely no big deal. she seems to be fine. she hasn't told me anything otherwise. i don't know. it's prolly just me being paranoid again. but she was my everything. my life basically revolved around her. i know that's not healthy or whatnot, but i couldn't help it. it was like i had never had any other relationship. like i'd never been with anybody else. it was like....magic. she put a spell over me and i went under it willingly. i have no idea what i'm even talking about anymore...or if this entry makes any sense or has any sort of flow to it...i don't think it does....and i really think i should go to bed since i have to work in the morning. but dammit....i'm still just so confused about everything....and it just depresses me to no end that i can't tell her how i feel about things...and that i can't show her physically whenever i do go back up there...and every time i think about it i just start to tear up...kinda like i am right now....jesus...i wish i could just get her to read this so maybe i could be a lil less confused...but i don't know what the hell she could tell me anyways....i don't know...i just want things to be different....i want to be able to be there for her....i want to just skip next year and be 18, be in college...be able to be with her....i would do anything for this girl. i would quit my job and just drive up there and never come home for her if i could. i wish it just wouldn't have been now. why did it have to be now? now that i know that i can sneak up to Cincinnati for a day without getting caught....even if i DO get a fucken parking ticket? after spending the best week together? after her aunt promised to take me out to Clifton and let me babysit Austin? after getting closer to her parents and her family than i ever thought i could? just...why now? in a few weeks i have a week off work again. i was going to take her down to my grandma's with me. i'll prolly still go up to Cincy to see her. but like....jesus....why now? i just wish i could get inside her head. i mean, i understand why she did. but like, why not a few weeks ago when things weren't so great? why not a month from now when school's back in? why at a time when things were good, after a beautiful week together? why after i had just spilled my guts? why now? i just.....dammit. i have no idea. i just don't want this to be real. i want to be able to call her and tell her i love her when i say goodnight. i want to be able to go up there and give her a kiss when i see her. i want to be able to see her whenever i want...or at least more often than i do now. i just want to be able to still be with her. it breaks my heart to go to bed now...because i sleep with Bear-Bear...the stuffed animal that she slept with growing up, that she gave to me awhile back..and doesn't want me to give back. i just hold on so tight to that old stuffed bear that i think i'm gonna pop it's head off. i've cried into that bear more times then should be legal. i just want her back. i don't want to lose her...even though i already have. i hate it. i hate being home. i haven't been able to sleep since i got here. after sleeping with somebody for 2 weeks, it's hard to suddenly sleep alone. everytime i close my eyes i feel her arms wrapped around me and her heart beating against my back and hear breathing in my ear, and when i open them i'm laying there alone in my bed with a stuffed bear. it's just not fair. why does she have to be so close yet so so so far away and thus unattainable? its not fair and it depresses the shit out of me.
jesus...this last half has been written subconsiously and while crying. i really hope nobody got down this far...if so, i pity them......but whatever...i've depressed myself for one night. i'm going to bed.
current mood:  depressed
current music: the fan and my sniffles....
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, July 12th, 2001
| |
1:18 am - The Story of How Me and Leslie Met - - for Nanami :)
|
okay...so i TRIED to reply to this way back when you first posted it, but i kept fuckin things up and it wouldn't work. so i'm gonna try this again now. even though me and Leslie aren't together anymore, i'll still tell you the story. why? cuz i'm bored, and i miss her. and what better way to make that worse then telling how we met? exactly.
so anyways. me and Leslie met online sometime last summer. we were just friends with nothing more than casual flirting. we both had girlfriends at the time. the more we talked, the more i found myself liking her, and the more we flirted. but, we both sitll had girlfriends. i think we both went through 2 girlfriends before we were both single at the same time. not like we were planning anything. we had never even thought about something like that. mainly for the fact that she lives in Cincinnati and i in Louisville...well, in my head anyways. i had actually thought that she would make a really great girlfriend when we first started talking if she lived here. but i just laughed the idea off. yeah right, like that could ever happen. ha. besides, i had made a promise to myself a year before that i would have no more long distance romantic relationships. too much trouble and way too much hurt. anyways...once we were both single we started flirting a lot more than usual. and i started to really like her. and then i caught wind that there was an Ani DiFranco concert in Cincy. i found a ride with my (then) best friend Irene and bought tickets. then i begged Leslie to go to the concert too. well, not really begged. she wanted to go, but the only ride she could get was with her ex. so i had to convince her to ride with her ex. so she did. yay! so now that we were both going to this concert in a few weeks and knew we were gonna meet up, we started to flirt a lot harded. and eventually, about a week before the concert, we both revealed that we had big ole crushes on eachother. i was kinda shocked, cuz she's just a big flirt in general, just as i am. but it made me really happy. i think it was a few nights after that that we talked on the phone for the first time. it was really odd actually. i mean, i used to get lil online crushes all the time, but only after i had talked on the phone. never before. and with Leslie, i had a big ole crush before i even heard her voice. very uncharacteristic of me. another thing that was very uncharacteristic of me was her age. she was 14 then. i did not know this until the day before i told her i liked her. she wasn't the one who told me, it was Irene. i don't know how i didn't know this. i guess i just never asked her how old she was. i had seen pictures. she looked and acted like she was older than me. i thought she was 17 or 18. so i was incredibly shocked to find out she was only 14. and not anywhere close to turning 15. (she actually had her bday last week) i have never dated anybody more than a few months younger than me. usually i go for older people. i've never even had a crush on anybody much younger than me. but, by the time i found out how old she was, it was too late and i was smitten. i told myself that if when we met, we didn't click like we do on the phone and on line, then i'd say forget it cuz it wouldn't be worth it. but, the concert came, we met, and ohmygod. i had never been so attracted to anybody in my life. lol. and we clicked instantly as soon as we got over the first few shy moments. it was kinda funny though. before they (Leslie and her ex Megan) came over, i saw them standing around talking. and, i once i saw Leslie's face i just got so nervous i couldn't move or even talk to Irene. i had never been so struck by somebody before in my life. my legs turned to Jello and i just couldn't go over there to introduce myself. so i just stood there half way talking to Irene and half way looking over at Leslie from the corner of my eye. eventually Megan came up to me and was like, "are you Jessica?" and so me and her were talking, and Leslie wouldn't come over until Megan turned around and was like, "dammit get over here!" she was so cute. she was looking at the ground and brushing her hair back with this shy smile on her face and a light blush in her cheeks. my god i just melted. we started talking and i made a complete ass out of myself of course. i made everybody pose for pictures and stuff. and finally i just gave her a really big hug out of no where. it was incredible. i had never had butterfiles in my stomach like that in my life. it was so great. from the second we met to the second she left everytime we were in the same area we were always right next to eachother. and whenever we talked i always looked her straight in the eyes. all my attention was focused on her, she was the only thing in my world. i usually don't let myself get that distracted over somebody. like, i NEVER let myself get that way. especially over somebody i just met. but wow. that whole night was just surreal. when we were inside i put my hand on a railing next to hers, and she just moved hers ontop of mine. wow. who knew you could get such a jolt go through your body just from somebody holding your hand? and holy lord.... about 10 minutes before Ani came on stage, we were standing around outside both irgnoring our "dates" (oops) talking and i laughed and said, "see? i told you you'd be chicken shit" (the night before we were joking about the other one being too chicken shit to "do anything"). and she was like, "oh yeah?" and i was like "Yeah" and started to say something else and she just took my face in her hands and pulled my lips onto hers and gave me the most intense openmouth no tongue kiss i've ever experianced. it was so soft and at the same so strong. lord it was just amazing. through out the whole concert i think i looked at Leslie from across the venue then i did at Ani. which is really really amazing cuz even when i'm just listing to my Ani cds it takes a lot to distract me.
but yes. there is the story of how me and Leslie met. i'm sure nobody wanted to hear ALL of that...but dammit *once you get me started you better just let me go*, especially when it has to do with Leslie. and even more especially now since we are no longer together. i think if anything, writing all that down was for my own benifit. i hadn't thought in detail about that night for a while. and it makes me smile to think about it again. god she is so wonderful. and she never stopped being as wonderful as she was the first night we met. she still is. i just can't tell her that anymore...but oh well. that's reserved for another post. so yes. there's your story. thank you for asking though, it's been fun reliving that wonderful night in my head. :)
|
|
(5 comments | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, July 11th, 2001
| |
1:55 am - a long story short...
|
yes yes...i know it's been like 12 days since you've gotten anything out of me. why? i've been in Wisconsin and Cincinnati. duh. don't you people pay attention? ;)
anyways...it's kinda late and i'm really tired and i want sleep. even though i've been on Vacation i've been vacationing with a 4 year old. 4 year olds wake up unnaturally early. thus, i have only been able to sleep in one day...the day that the 4 year old wasn't there. but yes...i will give the basic overview of my trip and elaborate more on the important parts tomorrow (cuz i know you are all just dying to know...).
*ahem*
Left at 3 am from Cincy to Wisconsin. get there 14 hours later. blah blah blah...do outdoorsy stuff like take canoe rides and such. play with a LOT of clay. made neat stuff. played with the 4 year old cousin and fell in love. ah! he is so cute! got dubbed the honorary cousin / cousin #2. went to a manison in Minnasota that is prolly haunted. ate SO much cheese i thought i was going to turn into a cow. they aren't kidding about the cheese thing in Wisconsin. good lord. anyways....basically had an absolutly wonderful time in Wisconsin. had a wonderful time when we got back to Cincy as well. watched Miss Congeneality and the Emporers New Groove. two very good movies. it was my 2nd and 3rd viewing of them. better every time.
oh yes. i almost forgot. Leslie broke up with me the night we got back to Cincy. although the way we were acting until tonight you never would have guessed it. but yes. reason? the distance. *sigh* i must of been insane to get into another relationship like that. oh well. i don't regret one minute of it. she's the love of my life and a great friend. my newly aquired best friend as a matter of fact. :) i still love her dearly, and she knows it. i know she loves me too. but until i am able to be there like she needs me to be, i can't say it or show it in anything more than a friendly manner. oi. this whole thing doens't make sense does it? i'll ramble about my depressed/angry side to all this later. i don't wanna get myself worked up before bed.
it's so ironic though....that one of the best weeks of my life is the same week in which the love of my life breaks up with me.... that after this amazingly wonderful week together...we break up. 4 days before our 8 month anniversery.... it's just odd the luck i have with break ups. but oh well. more on that another time.
i, my friends, am off to sleep. considering i have to go back to work tomorrow night (blah fucking blah!) i think i should be well rested and ready to combat the heat and the stupidity of guests.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, June 28th, 2001
| |
11:19 am - dance like no one's watching....
|
so...blah blah blah.....my feet and ankles are about ready to fall off.....
*note to self* never EVER work 4 doubles in a row...even if you don't have a choice....kill self first. *end of note*
so i leave for Wisconsin tonight. weee!
and i'm going to see Tomb Raider with Erin at 12:15. double weee! yes, i am prolly the only dyke in all the world that hasn't seen this movie yet. BITE ME! i've been working my ass off so that i can afford to go see the damn movie! why do you think i'm going to the first matinee showing? only $3.00 baybe!! woooooooha!
wow. Katie (my ex) just IMed me. how odd. i haven't talked to her in almost a year, i think. i thought she hated me. apparently she doesn't. and we are actually having a converstaion....this is so odd. *shrugs shoulders*
man. i have to pack. i know i'm gonna forget some important stuff. and i'm gonna be rushed too. cuz of course i haven't started yet, i have to leave for the movie soon and my mom's coming to pick me up at 4:00. hmmm.....how to work this out...i could skip the movie..but...no. besides, Erin would have me murdered. i haven't seen the girl since i started working. oh well. i'll just speed pack....yeah...
dammit...why did i even come online in the first place? i could have been hlaf packed by now! gr. damn LJ. it's all your fault!!
aw. poor Tina. she broke up with Kristina....again. and now she's all confused. *sigh*
i think the internet has made the teenage dating scene so much harder than it's ever been. why? cuz you meet these people who are completly awesome in everyway and you start to really really like them...but they live half way across the county from you. or in my case, 2 hours from you. and you keep telling yourself, "this person is perfect for me in every way..." but they live so damn far away. thus you are torn between things. you love the way they make you feel, you hate the distance. you want to break up with them cuz you can't handle never seeing them, but when you can't even talk to them, it makes your heart hurt so bad you think you are honestly going to die. it just sucks. i mean, the internet is a great thing, i mean, i love it. and it has brought so much joy and happiness into my life i can't even explain. but at the same time, it's brought so much hurt, pain, and lonliness that i've wanted to just end it all.
oh well. i guess over all it has made it easier to find a date if you are looking for one in your hometown. cuz, i've had several girlfriends who live in town who i met through the internet. but then again, most of those were really painful too. oh well. i guess it is just impossible to love and not get hurt. i guess you really do have to "love like you've never been hurt". or else you will never be able to fully appreciate what this person is giving you cuz your always afraid it going to go away. i think i need to work on that one.... *sigh*
good god. dammit Tina. she made me go off on a whole big tangent. daaaaaaaamit! i need to go take a shower and go meet Erin for the movie before i just say fuck it and go to Cincy right now so i can tell my girlfriend how much she means to me!
current mood:  groggy
current music: the occasional *ding* of an IM popping up.
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|