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Thursday, September 6th, 2001
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10:25 pm
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| Wednesday, August 15th, 2001
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12:13 am - "we're really not as funny as we think we are"
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"but that's what makes it so funny."
i think i'm going to texas this weekend. kind of an impromptu road trip with julie, her boyfriend andy, and andy's friend isaac. julie and andy decided to go yesterday and i got laura to work for me this weekend so i'm going for it too. the point of the trip is to get "don't mess with texas" tshirts. we leave on friday and get back monday morning. the only thing that concerns me is spending that much time with julie in a confined space, as well as my phobia and her love of contemporary country music. this will either go semi-well or terribly. it's the kind of thing you do just to say you've done it.
today at work (mel, jessie and i have been basically running the clubhouse and beer cart at a local golf course--the owner has been up north the last few weeks) mel flipped out. if i didn't know her as well as i do i would have thought she was on drugs. i can't even explain how funny she was, although i was freaked out a bit at first. my stomach was sore from laughing so much, she makes me laugh like no one else can. she climbed up a tree on the 9th hole and got stuck. she dressed up all weird on the beer cart--an "80's" motif complete wtih tightrolled jeans, makeup and mall hair. her and i switched clothes and i took a round as her and people were terribly confused. this is the kind of thing we used to do when we were little, so it was fun to relive old times while at the workplace. we spent $45 at paper warehouse tonight getting decorations for the clubhouse for jessie's birthday tomorrow. it's a tropical theme complete with grass skirts, pink flamingos and such. i still haven't figured out how i'm going to bike to work with all that shit, a cake, and a guitar (to sing a song mel and i wrote for her). i guess i don't have a choice it should be interesting. that's really all. my life has been so mundane lately, the littlest things excite me.
current music: sarah harmer - you were here
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| Thursday, August 9th, 2001
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12:18 am - what is and what never should be
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i've been thinking a lot about myself and how i relate to people lately. particularly, those of the opposite sex. i've been alone for awhile now. there has been opportunities in the past (recent past) i suppose, but it's never seemed worth my while after that initial burst of adrenaline that comes with the possibility of what that person could be. i wonder if i expect perfection in terms of making tangible what i dream in my head. i know i close myself off. not just from men but from those closest to me. we played this game a few weeks ago, my friends and i, while drinking. you have to name one good and one bad thing about each person. my bad thing was that i distance myself from them. crystal said i always have a distant look in my eye. as if i wished i were somewhere else entirely. i know i daydream a lot, but for someone to pick up on that scares me. i have conversations in my head, mostly one sided. i pose questions to myself, fully expecting to be snapped around by someone else answering them. giving me the answer i need to move on. to give my life meaning maybe. i can't articulate who i am or what i want. even with little things i know it in my head and in my heart but i don't think i could ever explain it to anyone else. hell, i guess i can't even explain it to myself. it's just floating around there somewhere in a vacuum i can't stop. i can't put the pieces together. this isn't a breakdown. nothing will change or go to hell if i can't make sense of it, but what could i be if i did put the pieces together? i want to say it and have it set in stone so it would be there forever. write it on a laminated card and keep it in my wallet to refer to when i'm feeling lost. maybe then i could be the person i know i have the potential to be. to be that person to someone else and have them understand unfailingly. i could be Loved for it.
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| Sunday, August 5th, 2001
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11:27 pm - this strange plan is random at best
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i talked to matt last week for the first time in months. it wasn't a very long conversation because he called just as i was walking out the door but he is working with iodine records in boston now, and had booked a show in rochester for a band from san diego. it's odd how someone who lives in boston is giving me the low down about a show in my hometown, but i was psyched. the guy that is promoting the show and touring with the band emailed me with all the information and went out of his way to email me four times as the venues kept backing out, so it ended up being at some guys house. i talked jessie, melissa and laura into going with me and they were really cool about it although they aren't into that genre of music at all, and were all for spending the four dollars to support the band and not really knowing anybody there or what it would be like. when we first got there i was outside talking to some people and they had gone into the house and when i joined them downstairs they said that as they had walked in some girl had said to them "die abercrombie bitches die", among some other things. that really upset me, because none of them shop at abecrombie and they were all wearing non descript jeans and tank tops...they may not have "looked the part" but who the hell cares? it strikes me as odd that someone who is trying so hard to be different and openminded would strive to fit in just as someone who shops at abecrombie does to fit in (for the same reasons), and then alienates people he or she doesn't even know based solely on a physical judgement. to say the least they felt really uncomfortable which is understandable. we stayed for about fifteen minutes and everyone else we talked to was incredibly nice and friendly, which i was glad of, and the girls got to see that even though they may have been intimidated at first, it wasn't what that scene is all about. they went out to the car, and the guy that owns the house and the one who matt had given my email to both apologized about what happened and said they appreciated anybody who wants to come out to hear their music. i felt kind of stupid having to explain why they wanted to leave but it seemed like they understood. in short, i didn't even get to see against the wall (the band from san diego) play and saw the last song from odds against me (a local band). but i was glad i went and it seems like the guy who owned the house is going to more shows there in the future due to the lack of venues around here.
current music: built to spill - ancient melodies of the future
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| Friday, August 3rd, 2001
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12:58 am
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"So it is for us, who while on earth in these suits of lead sense the presence of one we love, not far away but too far to touch."
current music: npr
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| Wednesday, August 1st, 2001
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1:07 am - take a breath, let it go.
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it's humid and hot...sweltering to say the least. i hate this weather. really i could do without it.
sunday i went up to minneapolis to hit up some vintage stores. jess and julie wanted to come along so we made it a road trip. i was kind of worried they wouldn't be into it, but they both seemed to have a good time. jess especially went nuts. i bought a couple jersey tshirts, scarves, a turquoise pendant, and four books. i'm really psyched about the books: "man's search for meaning" by viktor e frankl, "culture: a critical review of concepts and definitions" by clyde kluekhohn, "the essence of faith: philosophy and religion" by albert schweitzer, and "visites chez les francais" a french travel guide. i don't know much french but it's from the 40's and there are some beautiful pictures. $1.25 for some damn good literature. that book i mentioned in a previous entry that my sister gave me for my birthday--the author is jeanette winterson (not winterspoon) and it's rad so far.
i went for a drive tonight. the kind that's not premeditated, just driving to gain some peace of mind.. i always hope that i'll end up at some beautiful destination with an incredible view high above the city, but i usually end up at the end of an old country road with nowhere to go but an alfalfa (sp?) field and the gravel has turned to dirt. i want a place where i can go to just think, somewhere deserted and peaceful and isolated. i used to have places like that, but now they've been replaced by housing developments and mini malls. that is so sad. i can't think of anything better than driving with the windows down with no light but a bright moon and the stars. good music and fresh air outside of the city. it's always my escape. sometimes i feel on the verge of some sort of enlightenment, and then all to quickly a mcdonald's golden arch will appear on the horizon and i'm snapped back into reality.
current music: elliot smith
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| Tuesday, July 24th, 2001
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3:03 pm
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on friday i went up to jessie's lake place in northern minnesota with a bunch of the girls and i had a wonderful time. it was so great just to chill out and relaz in such a beautiful place. as much as i'd like to get out of here, going up north is something i know i'd miss. it's incredible, i know i take it for granted, but it's like a summer rite of passage. anyway, friday night we went out to dinner at this little greasy spoon and they surprised me with an early birthday celebration and get this--a barbie cake. everyone in the bar sang happy birthday to me and this woman came up to me and offered to buy me a bloody mary which i didn't like and then she bought me a beer, proceeded to give me money for the jukebox and bought my meal. julie said she must have had a little crush on me and i was getting a little uncomfortable with her generosity but she was nice nonetheless. we hung out by the lake the rest of the weekend and i was in heaven. yesterday was my actual birthday and mel wooke me up at 6:30 in the morning singing happy birthday once again and had a muffin with a candle in it, a diet dr pepper and a hoodie that we had both admired. i told her to buy it for herself cause she had looked at it so lovingly, but she ended up giving it ot me. that meant a lot:) i got a lot of other great presents. jessie and crystal both gave me more hoodies. (jess had told everyone that i wanted "hoodies, hoodies, hoodies!:) and i got lot's more cool stuff. i wan't expecting all these presents, i guess that's the advantage of having a summer birthday because everyone is home and making money. my sister got me the book "sexing the cherry" by janet (i think it's janet) winterspoon. i haven't started it yet but she always comes through with great books. it was a wonderful day, the best birthday in a long time. i got a call last week from chris, the guy from the guitar shop. he is going to be out of town backpacking in the boundary waters until mid august but i was excited that he called. thursday is the area one festival. soooo effin psyched for that. rowan and i got four tickets and it was looking like we might not find takers for the remaining two but mel is going to take off work and rowan's friend emily is coming as well. yeah!! cannot wait to see the roots...i've been listening to them nonstop in preparation.
current music: THE ROOTS!!
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| Tuesday, July 17th, 2001
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11:39 pm - when god was a woman
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I've been reading this book titled "When God Was a Woman" by Merlin Stone, which tells of the ancient cultures who worshiped goddesses and how the patriarchal religions such as Christianity, Judaism, and Islam became dominant. How is it that a male deity created the universe, and Eve became the bitch who ruined it for all of us? That's something that has always bothered me about Christianity. The overwhelming view of woman as subservient and inferior. I know this differs with the teaching and interpretation of the bible, but there seems to me to be an overwhelming subjugation of women that I can't get past. Female deities were prevalent in almost every ancient culture...based on female kinship and matrilineal descent where names and property were passed down through female lines. If this was the case, and a female goddess was worshiped, then women must have held a high social status. That is, they were responsible for the financial and agricultural aspects of the home. The male dominated contemporary religions used violence as a means of persecution and ancient matriarchal cultures were overcome. The author talks about hundreds of societies in the near and middle east where women were revered and goddesses were a vital part of their universe. Ok, I know this sounds like a homework assignment, some essay to be written in an allotted amount of time but I am so fascinated by it. Obviously it's coming from a point of view that's pretty controversial, but I could never sum it up in only a few paragraphs. For anybody that's interested in religion, whether they practice or not, this is a must read just to gain insight from a different point of view. DO IT, you sexist piece of scum.
current music: liz phair - exile in guyville (what else??!)
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| Wednesday, July 11th, 2001
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11:51 pm - today i gave the town crazy a sandwich
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today was fairly eventful--that is moreso than most of my days here this summer thusfar. it was fun. i'm happy.
the plan was for me to take julie's guitar to this guitar shop to get new strings. why would i do this? because i am a good friend. do i have alterior motives? hellz yes i do. see, this is no run of the mill guitar shop. cowboy boots chris works there. yes, the boy i may be crushing ever so slightly on:) how typical is that? i have to be all sly about it. i did give him my number the last time i saw him, actually i told him to look me up in the phone book cause i didn't have a pen so i thought, screw it, i want to see him again. anyway, i go in there and it took awhile for him to adjust the neck and the thing at the bottom (i would use the correct guitar terminology, but i'm clueless) and we talked and it was good, so good, really he is awesome. his boss came in then and we couldn't really talk so i just left but i was bummed it didn't go any further. i am hoping he will call. i am actually kind of kicking myself but melissa and laura both set me straight so i will follow up on this.
afterwards, i went to laura's house and her, mel, and i went swimming. i love them both, they gave me a great pep talk about getting my ass in gear with guys and not letting my fears get in the way. it's time i moved on and i'm so prepared to do that...to take chances cause i really don't have anything to lose at this point. them me and mel went to have a picnic down by the river but the bugs were insane and we were eaten alive. we came back to my house and played songs on julie's guitar. it was so much fun, she was making up all these crazy songs and i was laughing my arse off. i haven't seen her much this summer, but i'm so glad we got to hang out. she is, in all sense of the word, my best friend. ok, enough with this mushy stuff i am going to bed.
current music: bob marley
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| Monday, July 9th, 2001
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11:15 pm - and fade out once again
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i haven't been updating very much...partly due to my modem being blown up by lightening, mostly due to the fact that i don't have much of a life at the moment.
my trip was fun...actually it was more work and stress than anything. not one of those vacations where you hang out and relax. there was so much to get done, and my sister was having a hard time so i was with her most of the time while the others got to sightsee and whatnot. that i actually didn't mind because i don't enjoy doing the touristy thing, taking the same pictures that everyone else has. i was really looking forward to just bumming around by myself going off the beaten path or whatever. the thing is, from what i remembered last time it wasn't so hard to get around not knowing the language, but this time it seemed few people spoke english so it made it difficult. i think that's actually a good thing, i should've taken more time to learn more phrases in korean, other than the token ones like "hello" and "where is the bathroom?". i got really sick in the middle of the trip, and am still coughing up small animals, but it's all good. it feels like that trip was so long ago already.
the next place i want to see is israel. i'm fascinated by it. i wish i had paid more attention in church when i was little, so i'd have more reference to the places, and what events have been said to take place where. i talked to rowan about going next summer, she's jewish and i was raised catholic, so i think that it would be great for both of us.
i still need a j-o-b. i really want to work at broadway records still. i have yet to see a chick working there so i'm using that as my angle. in related news i learned of a local indie record label up and running in rochester so i emailed the guy who does the website about maybe getting involved. if history is any indication, they are gonna need all the help they can get.
i guess that's all. the only ecxiting thing i've really done in the past week is go to the basilica block party in minneapolis with my sister where we met my brother and sister in law and their friends. it was fun, i saw bob schneider, g.b. leighton, and blues traveler. but i think i had the most fun just being with my sister and brother and finally not being the kid sister tag along. trace's friend was totally hitting on me, he didn't realize i was 19. mind you, he's a nice guy but the receding hair line doesn't really do it for me. trace said he'd put a bullet in his head if he made a move. ahh, the joy of having an older brother. story of my life, if he had his way any guy who looked my way would end up in a body bag at the bottom of the mississippi.
current music: pete yorn - musicforthemorningafter
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| Wednesday, July 4th, 2001
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1:10 am - sleepwalking
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do you ever lie awake at night with all the stupid things you've ever said and done running through your head?
current music: coldplay - parachutes
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| Wednesday, June 20th, 2001
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12:08 am - don't look back
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I leave tomorrow...I'm getting really excited. We meet up with my sister's friend Matt in Minneapolis. Then another friend of her's she's known since high school who I grew up around so it will be good to have them all around. I'm psyched for the plane ride more than anything else. I love planes. Maybe I should be a stewardess--excuse me "flight attendant". But then I think about how much I'd love to slap every stupid customer I've ever waited on and to be stuck in a confined space with them for upwards of 12 hours...NO.
Tonight Melissa and I went downtown to Rochesterfest to see Nick's band play. That kid is so incredibly talented. I am absolutely in awe of him. We wrote a few songs together and he performed them tonight. He asked me beforehand if I would come onstage and sing with him but I've been losing my voice and wasn't prepared at all. I wish I would've just for the hell of it. Isn't it strange when you run into people you went to high school with and there is absolutely nothing to talk about other than "How's school?"/"Where are you working?"/"What have you been up to?". I hate it, I'd rather not talk to someone that make fake small talk and pretend to be interested. I know how that sounds, but it would be so much easier.
So as were listening to Nick's set I see this guy who I remember from college. He lived in the same dorm as I did, and was from Rochester also but graduated a year ahead at another high school. I remember him wearing cowboy boots, an old neil young tshirt, and a shabby blue robe outside late at night smoking a cigarette. The weekend before I left I ran into him at some stupid house party and we talked pretty much all night. He's got the best personality and basically it's easy to see I maybe had a little crush on him. Well I saw him tonight and couldn't recall his name so I went up to him and said "Aren't you cowboy boots?" and we ended up talking for awhile. He's incredibly funny and cool to talk to so I gave him my number and we'll see. He's the crazy kind of guy I could have fun with, and that's all I want right now. But who knows. POO!
current music: joni mitchell - court and spark
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| Sunday, June 17th, 2001
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11:48 pm - Sunday dinners with a Christian scientist, God and pretty women listed on his hit list
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I've been running like a madwoman trying to get my shit together. In every sense. It's odd, I can't seem to sit still lately. Usually I relish down time or taking naps in the middle of the day. It's really the simple things that make me happy but my heart is beating at a million miles a minute. I'm not sure if it's a sense of foreboding or what. I guess for the time being it's a nice change of pace. I spent $85 at Target today. No big purchases either, the most expensive thing I got was like $6 or $7. All related to my sister's wedding and this trip. Girlie stuff--It must have made me look terribly high maintence to the guy that checked me out. Six bags of self-tanners, lotions, makeup, hair thingies...I don't know what to do with it all. I am excited to leave, to go back to South Korea but I am starting to stress about everything. I don't have a dress yet. I leave on Wed. Crystal is coming shopping with me tomorrow in Minneapolis. We are going to Neiman Marcus and Sak's. I am charging this and not thinking about having to pay it off. I might just write a check or take money out of savings. Whatever, I don't care at this point. I borrowed a big-ass suitcase from Melissa. That thing is huge, 8 dead bodies could fit comfortably. Maybe that's not of any concern to them though, huh? I'm tired. I'm taking Freida for a walk and then doing laundry. Wish you were here.
current music: brenda kahn - epiphany in brooklyn
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| Thursday, June 14th, 2001
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11:24 pm - "there's one very important thing we should do as soon as possible.....fuck"
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This past week I have been working my butt off with New Horizons...yeah I got the job, wasn't too hard. They hired me, had me watch two hours of videos--fire safety and AIDS info (not really applying to anything I have to deal with)--and then sent me off to my first client. A SPONGE BATH. I guess I didn't really expect that. I was thinking...I don't know what I expected, but it was a trip. It was an elderly lady, and she was so sweet so I didn't want to act all freaked out. It wasn't all that horrible, it's just a human body, but I couldn't help but think how I would feel if I was in her place. Whatever, after my first day I went in to ask about something and this guy who graduated a few years ahead of me at my high school was there. We never had talked but apparently he recognized me cause he was like "You don't seem like the kind of girl who could handle this type of work." I was like "Huh?" and then he said something about homecoming queens and that pissed me off. What a prick. Am I a prima donna to him? I could care less. Anyway, so I've been doing this for the last week. I work 10-12 hours a day, but I use a half a tank of gas a day. Mind you, I can drive to Minneapolis and back on that much, and they won't reimburse me for that. I doubt I'll stay with it after I get back from Korea, but after this guy said that I don't want to quit.
My sister left for Korea on Tuesday. She almost didn't go she was so nervous. She kept saying how she could just not go and move back to Nepal and Africa and write a book about her eccentric life. She kept going with it too, not just joking but I think she was actually talking herself into it. It was funny at first, but then I got kind of freaked out. She did get on the plane, but called me once while on a layover, and twice from the plane, then after she got there. I felt kind of like the older sister for a few days. I know she's just nervous about meeting Jooho's family and all the little cultural nuances she's not familiar with. She'll do well though, she's good at adapting to situations like that. I leave on the 20th. I'm psyched, but I still haven't gotten a dress. I'm trying not to think about it. I guess it's not a big deal, but most girls will understand this. I was thinking about making one, I've made my own clothes for awhile now, but I don't know about tailoring a dress and whatnot. That's a bit out of my league.
Watched Eyes Wide Shut again tonight with Melissa and Jess. That movie is messed up. Stanley Kubrick is great but he must be turning in his grave. The funny thing is with all the rumors about Tom being gay, there's little things in the movie like him getting called a fag and carrying around a shopping bag from "Rainbow Fashions". Weird.
By the way I made $120 last weekend at the garage sale, rock!
current music: uncle tupelo - still feel gone
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| Monday, June 4th, 2001
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11:53 pm - nothing lasts forever, not even cold november rain
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How could I not use that as my subject heading?
I thought I was over this whole "being fired" thing, and for the most part I am, I've let it go. But I have this anger festering inside of me or more a feeling of being completely screwed over. I called 6 temp agencies today, all of them said they have no summer temporary work available. I haven't heard back from the places I applied to. I went into Rookies Bar, I think I have a shot at this one--Lidia worked there all last summer and my brother used to play hockey with the owner. He still is in touch with him cause he does some golf tournament thing every year. Whatever, he told me "not to screw this one up". That upset me, but of course I said nothing and when I got off the phone with him started balling uncontrollably. What's with me being an emotional wreck? I do not like this feeling. My last resort is New Horizons, it's an agency that works with the mentally handicapped. Melissa's brother has a caretaker who works for them and they desperately need help. I have experience working with kids who have down syndrome, and they know Mel's family so I could do that for a few weeks, but there is training and stuff and I feel bad having them train me in and then bailing after I get back. AARRRGHHH! Work sucks, I should pull an Anna Nicole Smith and leech onto some old senile billionare in hopes that he will kick the bucket in the next few weeks. At least he'd die happy. No.
Crystal and I are having a garage sale. I have so much shit it's insane. I'm selling half my wardrobe and burned most of my cd's and selling the originals. I'm repotting my mom's plants and selling those. She does not know about this, I just have to make it a few more days so hopefully she won't notice till then. We're holding it in Crystal's garage and she is going nuts. She scrubbed the garage floor. I was over there for four hours and learned pretty quickly to stay out of her way. We took a break so she could smoke a bowl, and then she calmed down a bit.
I went running tonight. Not jogging, but running at a fierce pace. I zoned out and when I was done I thought I was going to die. I wish I could get in that zone more often, but that would mean I'd have to be angry more often and I don't think that's a fair trade. I really need to let this go, I am working on it I swear.
current music: guns n roses
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| Sunday, June 3rd, 2001
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11:54 pm
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Friday was a historic day for me.
Friday was the day that I was fired (or more appropriately, "let go") for the very first time.
This is how it went down--I go in for the FOURTH time and Erin is finally there. I wasn't too nervous by this time cause I figured if I was going to lose my job I would've been notified by then. I told her I realized I had needed time off and that was a problem, but if there was anyway that we could work something out where I work like 2 or 3 days consistently so that I could get a second job, that would be great. She looks me straight in the face and says "I think I'm just going to stop scheduling you". She continued, saying that I need to much time off and we'll just leave it at this. I was pretty much in shock. I asked why she waited for me to come in rather than call me or give me some advance notice, to which she replied that she knew I'd come in eventually. In the end I would've loved to say so many things but what comes out is "can I use you as a reference?" Stupid, stupid, stupid! I was upset and left, barely made it out the door before I started crying. It's such a horrible feeling. I talked to my sister later, who waitressed her way through college and she told me that there was nothing I could've done about it, shit like that goes down in this line of work. You are dispensable and they know that. I suppose I could have chosen between New York and South Korea and keeping my job, but that's not how my priorities work. Me taking time off wasn't about going to Mexico with five of my friends, getting a tan, and drinking. It was about me doing something for my own sanity, something I needed, and my sister's wedding. Erin knew about my trips from day one, and I have a feeling she knew she was going to do this for sometime. No advance notice for me, regardless of the fact that I have car payments, insurance, student loans, among other bills to pay. It's not fair, and that bothers me, but in the long road I think I wouldn't have wanted to continue working for someone who does business that way. I feel taken advantage of, and I was plenty angry, but I'm over it. My plan is to do temp work for the next two weeks and secure a job for when I get back from Korea at the end of June.
Friday night I needed to blow off some steam, so we went to see DHM play in Owatonna. We got there right at 9 when the show was supposed to start but there were no cars in the parking lot and the venue (a huge barn like thing) was completely empty. It turns out there was a street dance or carnival or something going on in Owatonna so most everyone was there and obviously nobody else had made the drive from Rochester. I can't imagine how the band must have felt, they came from Minneapolis and nobody was there. Eventually people started showing up, maybe like 30-40 people all together. Mind you it was a barn, a BIG barn, so it didn't make all that much difference. Julie, Melissa and I were the only ones who got up and danced at first. Well aware of the fact that we looked like fools, we were there to have fun and we wanted the band to know that we were. We got a little crazy, and a few more people came out and danced to. The guys told us they appreciated our enthusiasm, and we ended up hanging out with them between sets. Ben, one of the guitar players, even came out and danced with us cause a friend of theirs was playing his parts in a few of the songs. We stayed after and hung out with them and they are by far the coolest musicians I've ever met. It wasn't like we were trying to be groupies or get in their pants, we just talked and joked around. And even though all, save for one, of them were 10 years older, we had a great time. They're playing in Rochester in July so hopefully we'll get to see them again then. Selfishly, I was glad not too many people showed up because I know that never would have happened:) The singer is going to hook me up with an interview at Mpls College of Art and Design with his old advisor, rock!
My sister and her fiance arrived Saturday morning with their Uhaul so I helped them un pack everything. It's going to be weird having htem live here for the summer, but already I've noticed Kim and I get along way better than we ever have. It's good to have her to talk about books and music and world politics and all that stuff I can't talk about with my friends. She's way smarter than me so she always wins our debates but I don't care I love it.
current music: national public radio
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| Friday, June 1st, 2001
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1:18 am - never is a promise
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12:09 am - just drop some acid and your room will be clean in no time
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Still haven't talked to my boss about my lack of hours...I've gone in three days in a row and she hasn't been there at all. I just want to get this over with. I applied at a few other places today just in case; I need to get another job anyway. Two other sports bars (stupid drunks=good tippers) and a record store. I'd love to work at the record store...it's independently owned and the coolest thing in town. I don't know I think I have a chance because I'm a girl, but waitressing yeilds a lot more money. The thorn in my side.
Tonight The Faint played in Minneapolis. I really wanted to go, the last show I went to was Rollins spoken word a few months ago--amazing by the way. Melissa agreed to go with me even though she had never heard of them, she's just down like that, but when I went to pick her up she couldn't find her ID. I tore her room apart trying to find it, I was that desperate. We ended up going to a movie instead. Pearl Harbor--I don't know how I feel about this movie. 3 hours long...a third of that time was all violence. People getting blown up and suffering in slow motion. It got to a point where it made me sick, not the blood and guts, but it totally glorified the idea of war and death, all in the name of multi-million dollar special effects and Hollywood drama. "Let's get those damn Japs!" The saddest thing about it, is that it actually happened. I don't know how I'd feel if I had gone through that and then to see it re-enacted on the big screen in such a manner. Of course the Americans were victorious, and the heroes and blah blah blah. We dropped 2 nuclear bombs on Japan, and I'd imagine that's more horrifying than anything that happened at Pearl Harbor. The movie was a bit appalling and tactless, I don't recommend it. But maybe I just wasn't in the mood. Josh Hartnett is worth $7 to look at though, and Kate Beckinsale is beautiful. Ben Affleck is the epitome of Hollywood cheese-acting.
Tomorrow I'm going to Minneapolis to check out Minneapolis College of Art and Design. The Walker Art Center is supposed to have a new exhibit of some sort so I want to go there as well. Museums are like yoga for me, so I hope that will help me clear my head.
far far away = most beautiful song I've heard in a long time...*swoon*
current music: wilco - being there
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| Wednesday, May 30th, 2001
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12:38 am - would you be upset if i scratched your eyes out with a fountain pen?
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I just got back from taking Freida for a long late night walk. Today sucked, I pretty much spent it by myself, avoiding phone calls, having some serious introspective time...or wallowing in self pity, however you want to phrase it. I am giving myself this one day to wallow and then tomorrow on to new and better things.
I called work this morning at 7 am to see what time I worked. They didn't schedule me at all last week or this weekend after I got back from New York and we were closed Sun and Mon so I just assumed I'd be back to my old hours again. It turns out that I'm not on the schedule for the rest of the week. I got this really bad feeling. What if I'm fired? But, wouldn't they call and tell me rather than cutting my hours all together and having me come in to inquire about what's going on? But maybe they're trying to make me quit? I don't understand this. It really upset me, I've devoted my last 4 months to this place, when they didn't have anyone, never asked for time off before, was always there, called in sick once, and I've been a good worker. I know that Erin (the owner's wife, she does the scheduling and payroll) has always been weird towards me, and she threw a fit about me needing last week off and ten days in June, but it's my sister's wedding! I told her about it months in advance. I called my mom and was ready to rail on Erin. I was livid. I've never ever told anyone off in my life, but I figured if I was going to do it this would be the time. I went in later that afternoon and no one was there that was worth talking to, but it's for the best because by the time I got there I was almost in tears. I would've hit myself if I let Erin see my cry. I think it's just that the last few days I haven't been in such a good place, so this was like the last straw. I need to talk to her tomorrow and I'm still contemplating what to say.
So I spent the day in a haze, and started thinking more about my friends. Jessie has been odd lately. We used to hate each other, and last summer we made a peace. She was there for me when something big happened in my family. Her, of all people, and we became close. She's a very aggressive person, she's big on control and asserts that in front of other people. I'm a pretty laid back person, and she has been pushing my buttons lately. She's made some comments and remarks that are degrading towards me in front of other people. I can't go into it, but I don't retaliate and she knows she can get away with it. I wish I could. I don't like the person I am when it comes to that. I've always thought of myself as strong, but maybe that's not the case. I don't like being stepped on. I'm overly sensitive as it is, and I try not to pin my own insecurities on other people. I don't like confrontation, but more than that I don't want to succumb to petty bullshit. It's not worth my time but part of me just screams to lose it. I wonder what it would feel like. I spend too much energy trying so hard to be put together, but what if I just let that go for once?
For the better part of the day I just fixated on things, I think that's how the whole Jessie thing came up. I cried a bit, which was good. I haven't for the longest time and didn't really know what to do with myself when it happened. My sister's dog came and put her head on my lap. It's funny how dog's sense things like this. She was so sweet I started thinking about my old dog and how much I missed him and cried some more. It was like pulling up a plant, when you get the whole root and everything. It brought up quite a bit. Afterwards, I crawled into bed and slept for an hour until my mom came home from work. She is the only person I can talk to everything about, I know she understands. She listens, and she's my mom so there's no alterior motive. She's kind and compassionate and she's the one that taught me everything about life, it was just us growing up because my dad left after I was born. 17 years of hell with him and still she is the one that reminds me that deep down he is a good person. She's amazing. After we talked it put everything in perspective, and I know what I need to do to make things better. She told me I am a kind and good person and things will get better. And even though she's my mom (she's supposed to say these things!), I'd like to believe it's true.
current music: further seems forever - the moon is down
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| Monday, May 28th, 2001
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10:55 am - and the next answer will give rise to the next question, and so on
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this weekend not much happened...it's Memorial Day and all but still not much went on. I really wanted to go camping but everyone had to work.
Saturday night Julie, Jessie, Lara, Melissa and I drove to River Falls to see Melissa's "boyfriend" from school. They're not so much together, they met right at the end of the year. The funny thing is he considers himself Mel's boyfriend but she doesn't see it that way. What a deal! Anyway, that was ok, same old same old. I'm down with meeting new people, but these guys (his friends) were just like the same stupid jocks I went to high school with.
As much as I love my friends, I'm starting to feel alienated. I know this is due to my own perception, nothing external at all, but it's nagging at me. I think I've always felt like this to a point. I grew up traveling and having siblings that are so much older than me, so I was exposed to different things. I know there is so much more out there, not to say I've experienced everything or I'm so mature--it's not that at all. I have different goals is all. That's starting to affect my relationships with people my own age now. I guess it's little things...like my taste in music and film and books, I don't have this in common with my close friends. Growing up in Minnesota, or in Rochester rather, there wasn't much of a hardcore/indie/whatever you want to call it "scene". There really isn't now, the only way I began listening to that kind of music was through traveling and meeting people who incidentally were involved with it. I don't consider myself involved in it now, I just like certain bands and whatnot. I rarely go to shows because nobody around here is interested in going. I feel like putting things in perspective like this is shallow of me. I know it is to a certain extent. But aren't common interests a basis for any type of relationship? More and more I am the odd one out. I don't mind doing my own thing, but it would be nice to have someone around here who's into the same stuff.
current music: run lola run - soundtrack
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