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Thursday, August 9th, 2001
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3:32 pm
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i would like to say that i am most likely going to create a new journal since i dont want that crap on my journal. everyone listed as my friends and everyone that listed me as a friend will get my new link...
the maturity level of our ivy league friend is that of my 5 yearold cousin...and i want nothing to do with it. nor do i want to be writing in a journal that is filled with such juvenile, petty fighting.
therefor-this will be my last entry as Unwound. and for those who are close to me, i will let you know when i create my new journal...
.....this is the end.....
current mood:  annoyed
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(comment on this)
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2:47 am
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some memories are like disease
they inflame yr misery
they haunt me
________________________
there was always something in the way. there will always be something in the way.
________________________
washed up and worn out
im always looking, searching
my mind never seems to stop thinking
i even wake up with a complete memory of sleep filled thoughts
i guess some things never change
ill always be one with an overloaded brain
current mood:  sleepy
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(8 comments |comment on this)
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| Wednesday, August 8th, 2001
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3:26 pm
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holleigh
she wrote a lil something that was quite interesting and confusing in her journal...abt how she missed me and kept remembering things from when we were together. and yea, i miss all those things too. but the fact is, were over. well never get back together. and thats not even what she wants, and thats not what i want. i think a part of me does want that but i could never let myself get back into that. of course, under certain circumstances i would think abt it. it just put me in a hard place cuz i wanted her back for so long and cuz ive basically done really good with forgetting her. until recently.
so, i read her journal and called her around 1230 last night. we ended up talking till abt 230. then she came over, we sat out on my porch and smoked and just talked abt a lot of things until she left at 4.
the whole time she was here last night i kept thinking abt the last time i ever kissed her. it was at the same time in the morning and we were in the same place. but i know ill never kiss her again and we didnt even touch at all last night. its so different. id like to be friends with her, cuz i honestly worry abt her and care abt how she is doing. and being with her last night made me appreciate kaite even more.
holleigh said that she didnt like me again, she didnt want to get back. she was just thinking abt memories we have together and all. maybe shes finally going to see what it was like for me for so long.
Kaite
so. she wasnt too happy with the whole holleigh thing last night. i didnt want to ruin and chance of us getting back together. i had to explain to her that im not still in love with holleigh and that who i really want is her. which is true. cuz i do want to be kaite. more than she knows.
BUT!
last night i was on aol and i just checked her profiles just to see what they said and all. ya know..no big deal. and so i find this on her profile:
kate, this is for you. please please please be out there..please write me or something.
Personal Quote: i lost my mind a little when she told me you were dead. i think the rest escaped me when you spoke to me a month later without the slightest clue. yr best friend had betrayed you. and now, when all i want is to be with you, you've disappeared..forever????
so now! im not whether shes playing me and just wants to be with this kate girl or what.
and now im in an even harder place. cuz i want to get back with kaite and i want to be with her. but im pretty sure theres something shes not telling me. and i cant be with her if shes gonna be dishonest abt who she REALLY wants to be with. so i need a good explanation from her.
i think, if anything, at this time she needs to lay everything down, write it out for me and not hold anything back. i need a lil bit of the truth here.
current mood:  restless
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(2 comments |comment on this)
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1:49 am
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| Tuesday, August 7th, 2001
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2:29 pm
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2:49 am
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im sorry. im so sorry everything ended this way. you cant deal, i cant have someone running away all the time. and i thought i was falling in love with you, actually im pretty sure it was headed that way. i now believe that love leads to a bunch of shit. you act like a little kid when it comes to talking seriously abt our realtionship. i cant have that. i cant get use to having someone around, i cant get attached to someone only to have them leave. and i mean leave mentally. and you are, you did. you deatached yrself completely from me mentally in the last few days. i want to be with you, i want you more than anythin right now. but it wouldnt work, and the breakup might have been for the best. yr really good at acting like you dont care, well...maybe you really dont care at all.
games. you were a game. i had to guess what kaite i was gonna be with that night. it wasnt fun, you made me happy and i loved being with you. it hurt when you would leave...although it doesnt compare to how hurt i am now. i can still smell you on my shirt from earlier. its killing me.
i want you. i want you. i want you. you werent stable, you werent the same. ever. why couldnt you just let me in? why couldnt you just show me what it was really like to be with you? i dont believe in wasting time, searching for a truth ill never find.
and you got off the phone. didnt show any sign of emotion. and i bet you fall asleep just fine tonight. no problems. get off the phone, roll over and be able to sleep like nothing happened. youll just forget, yr good at forgetting.
i let you in too far.
i let you see me.
i let you take over my mind and i let you do too much.
yea...i dont believe in relationships. why have one when everything just turns to shit? why fall for someone when they just leave and change in every possible way? i dont get it. im better off six feet under.
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(1 comment |comment on this)
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2:08 am
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f u ck . f u c k . i hate humanity. i hate life. i FUCKING hate relationships.
FUCK FUCK FUCK. i want to die.
current mood: fuck off and die
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(2 comments |comment on this)
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12:35 am
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you are...feeling is changing
you are....everythings changing
i dont want it to go away
i dont want to lose you
i want to cut everything out of me
i want to see my blood
but i wont, i cant
i wanna know...what you are
and why do we always make the same FUCKING mistake
baby..dont you leave. baby dont you go. cuz ill roll out the punches, roll out the door
I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT
im screaming daisys from 14 miles away
im not the one you wanted, how should i feel? its not real. i knew all along you were everything. then in the darkest hour i can risk my life for the gilded stone. how do you want me to feel? not the thing you keep. IM ON TO YOU.
i dont know. i dont know.
ITS NOT REAL ITS NOT REAL ITS NOT REAL
YOU dont need to tell me that its not real.
you were never here
I A M N O T T H E O N E T O K E E P
WONT YOU TELL ME WHAT WE ARE FIGHTING FOR
DO YOU WANT ME HERE
DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE
YOU KNOW THE COLDEST FACE IS THE WORST TO ME
AND I WONT CALM DOWN TILL I GET TO YOU
i wish i could undue this role
lets go back to what, what we came here for
i know my heart is my worst enemy, swollow too much and started to believe.
theres nothing left for me to feel...
current mood: worried
current music: sleater kinney
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, August 6th, 2001
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3:34 pm
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1:33 am
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at the same time i feel like nothing, then a second later i am something. and its weird. tasting yr skin is weird. feeling you move is weird. its new, and exciting. but frightening because this shouldnt be happening for some reason i cant place. and feeling yr skin thats warm and slightly damp makes me fall, and i cant help but falling. and i cant help but wanting to look at you, touch you every second of the day. and every second, every kiss, every breath i have had a thought in my head. over and over and over and over and over.and i cant take it anymore. i cant stand it.
_________________________
___________________ i feel as if im living a lie
_____________ walking throught my house is like
________ walking through a house ive never been in
_____ before and all these weird people come in and
__out and its scary. were leaving soon, and this is
_ the proof that IT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING. my life
. is changing drastically over time. and im left...
in the middle
current mood: stressed
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, August 5th, 2001
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12:58 pm
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2:24 am
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im sort of out of it tonight.
theres a lot of emotional baggage some of my friends are carrying that i tend to take on.
i know i dont need to, but when my friends are hurt i get upset. it makes me so mad i get calm sometimes even. and some of my friends are leaving for college soon...everyone seems to be moving out too.
when we first met, i thought wed be friends at best
i never guessed the rest
im dressed in...waited, as in for you
cannot feel or you lose yr personality
and its unreal
flowers cry tears of blood and i cannot stop the car from sliding into YOU.
from the start i knew youd be the one to break my heart.
say it again
say anything
im abt to find out
theres something sweet in my life i want to KEEP.
current mood:  indifferent
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(1 comment |comment on this)
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| Saturday, August 4th, 2001
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9:17 pm
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c u r s i v e
the show...
loud/crowded/smoke filled/scream induced
_____________________
this is the bed that i have made
this is the grave where i will lay
these are the hands i will bury my face in
i dont believe in wasting time
searching for truth you never find
yr lost at once if not tossed into the drink and lost beneath
emergency: were floating endelessly
once loved, now lost forever
maybe ill be rescued before too long
ill try to make this perfectly clear
im so transparent i disappear
some memories are like disease
they can inflame yr misery
they haunt me
burst under pressure
let it
burst and bloom
let it
burst and bloom
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burstandbloom.burstandbloom.burstandbloom.burstandbloom.burstandbloom.
current mood: sleepy
current music: cursive
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(1 comment |comment on this)
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| Friday, August 3rd, 2001
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1:29 am
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if i didnt think there was a possibilty of me falling in love with my girlfriend some of what she says to me would really irk me. but for some reason, i let it slide.
no one said id be like f u c k i n g this
current mood: aggravated
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, August 2nd, 2001
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2:00 pm
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something is weighing down my mind. im not exactly sure what it is...but i know what a big part of it is. maybe i worry too much..but i think i just dont want to get hurt again.
im not sure what i wanna do, and i dont wanna think abt it right now...im going to sleep.
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(3 comments |comment on this)
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1:48 am
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im glad i know kaite. seriously, she makes me the most happy ive ever been in a long time. and shes so strong and just an all together good person. shes awesome. sometimes i wonder why i never saw what i see in her now earlier. hmmm...i musta been a dumbass then or something.
carissa is gonna hook up with dave. theyre cute, hes a nice guy...i like him, which is weird since im really picky with who i think she should date. imma miss having her so close when i move...neither of us want to think abt that.
i soo cant wait till the cursive show on friday. yay!
----
are you still, still breathing
(my heart breaks every time you drive away, my heart skips a beat everytime you look me in the eye)
current mood: impatient
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, August 1st, 2001
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1:15 am - i think we found a way to put the fun back in sin
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its cherry, its cherry and red and it beats on TIME TIME TIME
its just that when you touch me i can not stand..oh i fell into.i fell down.
i wanna..i wanna turn, turn you on.
c'mon and turn, turn it up
its not what you want
its everything
for her
hey dont you wanna run and call her name?
if i buy her candy, will she know who i am?
she is famous, shes the best. i cannot lay my heart to rest.
she is selfish, she is kind. no one can say she is mine.
like water like spring. fickle fancy fickle girl.
come down from the sky when i need you the most.
she is famous, shes the best. cannot lay my heart to rest.
she is selfish, she is kind. no one can say she is mine.
current mood:  crazy
current music: sleater kinney
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(2 comments |comment on this)
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| Tuesday, July 31st, 2001
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1:18 am
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i could never get yr attention. i could never please you. these words feel so wasted, words you wont relate to. and some words youll never hear. its not working, i dont feel any better. i dont feel so well. so im wispering secrets...THE MEANING IS LOST
ive been thinking abt julia today. i dont know why, i mean....i think abt her everyday but not in great detail or anything. today was like one of those days i only have sometimes...where i think of her a lot more than usual. probably cuz i was trying to find an email for her but didnt come up with anything...its been over a year since ive seen her...and talked to her. i miss her. i just want to know how shes doing, what shes doing. i wonder if she even remembers me or thinks of me...
onto other things:
all we say we are today is all we say well be tomorrow. which is fine with me. cuz it just is...
my girlfriend just compared me to a tissue. saying im apathedic. abt how i wouldnt care if i was just sitting there doing nothing or having someone snot on me. gross.
we've lost transmission.
we've lost transmission.
dont tell me this is how it ends!
those song lyrics have been in my head all day. i think it has something to do with the move somehow.
saw planet of the apes with kaite tonight. that movie is awesome, its hilarious. i mean..seriously theyre frickin monkeys! and they talk and kill people. and they even had a kiss with a monkey and a human. and they had this monkey smoking from a pipe hahaha it was great. i love that movie. f'real.
break me in slowly.
current mood:  amused
current music: cursive
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, July 30th, 2001
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12:59 am
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how happy am i?
i could walk on water, clap my hands, and do cartwheels at the same time. haha yeaaa.
we went dumpster diving at goodwill tonight. it was super fun. then we basically just drove around...murph picked up a computer, and it actually works. that was funny.
plus me and kaite are back to being the cutest couple ever. hehe. ;)
....i was thinking abt how summer changes everything.
my friends, most of them, have all drifted and changed.
my housing is changing.
everything changes in summer. its weird.
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(1 comment |comment on this)
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| Sunday, July 29th, 2001
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2:29 pm
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my head hurts and im bored
im trying to quit smoking, its going ok so far
and im pissed cuz i want a new pair of chuck but theyre fucking 35 bucks. thats absurd.
im in a bitchy mood today. i think i need more sleep or something.
current mood: bitchy
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(comment on this)
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confused
sad