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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Amber Pie's LiveJournal:
| Sunday, November 11th, 2001 | |
| 9:57 pm | this.. is my subject. So..Things are great, heather came over, and we ended up talking until seven in the morning, we had such a good time.. and we got a lot of things that had been on my mind settled. so. thats really good that its out of the way, and in the open now. I love to dance.. i want to go dancing.. like.. right now. lol, and i DONT want to go to work in the morning.:( i have a vball game tomorrow night too im not really lookin forward to playin a game at 830 at night.. bah. im gonna be tired.. because i have to go to bally's with mel tomorrow. bah!anyway.. im too tired to type. bah. ;( Current Mood:  soreCurrent Music: Always on Time- Ja Rule featuring Ashanti |
| Saturday, November 10th, 2001 | |
| 10:10 pm | ma vie.. ma vie.. lemme tell yah. Talked to Matt tonight online. I think things are gonna be okay. I dont know how.. but i just think.. they will.. I think in the end, I'll be okay. Matt told me about this dream he had right after he moved away from Washington, and we were both on the same wavelength, you know? it was insane. Maybe i was meant to be with him.. maybe i was... maybe i am. but.. who knows. I think everything happens for a reason.. so we'll see how things work out. Heather's supposed to be on her way over here, so we'll see if she actually comes over.. i just watched overboard.. :) im a nerd.its a good movie. hahaha.. :) well.. im gonna go.. short entry today. later. Current Mood:  thoughtfulCurrent Music: last beautiful girl- matchbox 20 |
| Wednesday, November 7th, 2001 | |
| 1:14 pm | hot EMT.. cold amber. Went to my CPR/First Aid class today, and had the hooootest instructor in the world.. ah, he was.. beautiful. His name is brandon, just.. beautiful. lol, yeah, he remembered my name.. whoo hoo.. lol, it was fun, flirted with him a lot. lol, anyway.. umm.. hes the kinda guy ive always dreamed about.. but will i ever get.. humm.. lol, anyway. So now i am an expert in CPR, and first aid, ive already taken the dumb class like three times anyway.. haha.. it was so funny, he kept getting his words all jumbled up, and forgetting medical terms for things, so i was all knowlegeable, and i showed him up. ahhaah.. oh well.. anyway. Heather and i are drifting more and more apart, as amber grows more and more sad by the minute.. dah. So i really like the garbage song.. cup of coffee.. here are the words.. CUP OF COFFEE You tell me you don't love me over a cup of coffee And I just have to look away A million miles between us Planets crashing to dust I just let it fade away I'm walking empty streets hoping we might meet I see your car parked on the road The light on at your window I know for sure that you're home But I just have to pass on by So no of course we can't be friends Not while I'm still this obsessed I guess I always knew the score This is how our story ends I smoke your brand of cigarettes And pray that you might give me a call I lie around in bed all day just staring at the walls Hanging round bars at night wishing I had never been born And give myself to anyone who wants to take me home So no of course we can't be friends Not while I still feel like this I guess I always knew the score This is where our story ends You left behind some clothes My belly summersaults when I pick them off the floor My friends all say they're worried I'm looking far too skinny I've stopped returning all their calls And no of course we can't be friends Not while I'm still so obsessed I want to ask where I went wrong But don't say anything at all It took a cup of coffee To prove that you don't love me Bummer huh.. yeah.. that bites.. lol, anyway, that WOULD be a song i would like LOL ahhaha.. anyway. Matt emailed me back, "I just wanted you to know that even though you want to see other people, that I still feel the same; what can I say... the sweet thing must be in the blood :0) Well, it's almost 4:00am, I just got off work and I need a shower! My whole face is black from the roof and it burns. I'll catch ya later! " - Matt is great, and i know it, im really lucky to have someone like him care about me. But alas, we all fuckin know im so damn confused... im thinking about callin heather again.. maybe we can get together just to talk today.. i really need to clear this up, it eats me up inside.. i miss her, i feel as though she dissaproves of me, and i hate that. i miss her so much, cant she see that?? UUUGH! i better go... Current Mood:  creativeCurrent Music: Seven Days- Craig David |
| Tuesday, November 6th, 2001 | |
| 10:55 pm | Blurry My emotions and thoughts have been going at a steady pace of 110 miles a minute.. so my thoughts wont be very clear. They will be very sparratic, and insane, as my life seems to be. I got a dosen roses from matt today, which was totally sweet, and it just.. shocked me.. im not going to blab and blab and blab about it..so.. But.. i am as confused as ever.. thanks to.. me. what else is new. dah! Volleyball started up, which is awesome, its so much fun.. :) I think im really lovin the new garbage cd... from what ive heard so far in D's car.. im lovin it. :) I talked to heather today.. she was pretty flakey twords me.. it made me sad. i dont understand why shes bein like this.. i mean, this is my best friend.. my best friend whom i've known.. my whole life, and i thought our realationship would never change, and now.. josh is her best friend, and her fiance. so who really needs amber?? she hasnt acted as though shes even my friend anymore. i love her so much though, and just thinking about it, makes me ill. I wanted to talk so bad when i got home from work today to one of my friends... so i called delane, no answer.. i called amanda.. she answered, but then her baby started bawlin, and i was like.. yo, call me later.. then i called heather, and she blew me off.. i was hurt.. yet, again. but yeah.. it was sad, i ended up talkin to my sis, and my stepmom later.. i was like. daH! i have no ... single friends.. except for delane. just me and delane, and delane has a better head on his shoulders than i do.. so he'll do the smart thing and find someone, and be with them.. while im tryin everything under the sun, and still not being happy or fulfilled. yep. its a sad sick strange world out there.. and im tryin to live in it.. and possibly find love?? that sounds completely impossible. ( lol I just got that one disney song in my head... Impossible.. lalalala... impossible.. what the heck is that from?? maybe it wasnt disney, oh well.) anyway.. Moulin Rouge has to be comin out soon, im dying. I love that movie. Oh, to have a love like that.. thats why its a MOVIE. dah! real love never happens like that.. lets just face it.. i am in love, with being in love.. i just love the idea, i think deep down i know that real love isnt like that, and so in a way, i've given up on it completely. So i walk around all dazed, in my jaded little dream world.. "lalalaa.. love is really out there.. theres someone out there.. just for mee... " Riiiight. see.. listen to me, am i not one confused cookie or what.. yes. i am. confused, i am sooo utterly and totally confused, i have no idea what to do. where to go.. and how the hell im gettin there. Honestly, i wish i didnt overanalyse things the way i always do.. "fester fester fester... rot rot rot" -Meg Ryan, french kiss. Thats the story of my life.. fester fester fester.. yep. its horrible, what can i say. And honestly, i feel sorry for everyone who likes me.. because i am such a mess... i just want to be happy! THATS ALL.. i want to find someone, and totally just fall in love, and KNOW.. its right. and what i want... That.. is what i want. But you know.. what you want, and what u end up getting.. is an entirely different story... yes. it is... Well.. now that i have written yet, another novel, and achieved... absolutely nothing as i normally do, i will wrap this one up... Current Mood: pessimisticCurrent Music: Blurry- Puddle of Mudd |
| Saturday, November 3rd, 2001 | |
| 10:02 pm | So life goes on.. Well.. the past couple of days have been.. ack! yeah, umm.. i dont even know where to begin.. I messed up bigtime, i did something i really really regret. But... its all okay now. I met this guy online you know.. steve, and we're still talkin, umm but i made him super upset, because i ... umm.. did something incredibly awful and stupid. Tonight i told matt EVERYTHING.. and i honestly cant believe it.. i cant believe i told him, but i did. And i told him i want to see other people.. and .. hes okay with that.. and actually more committed to me than ever.. its insane. I told him i want him to see other people, but he wont.. hes like..amber, i want to be with you.. dont shut me out.. its hard. but im okay. So he knows im gonna be seeing other people, but dah! i dont understand, i dont understand why he is so good to me. Why would anyone want to be with me after putting them through all i have. its just crazy.uugh! and i think hes sending me flowers.. damnit! i am soo unworthy of flowers... anyway.. things are okay now.. i think.. but still my life is sorta really screwy. blah-- back to my life.. Current Mood:  amusedCurrent Music: blah! |
| Wednesday, October 31st, 2001 | |
| 8:17 pm | halloween.. So.. tonight was halloween.. blah blah blah.. i was bored. i went over to mels, and ate dinner, then i came home, and now.. here i be. Matt called me yesterday, i just stared at the phone.. i didnt call him back. it was strange.. my whole entire life is odd right now.. my roomie came back, which is cool, now im not so freakin alone all the time.. yeah.. umm.. i gots the weekend off, which i guess is pretty cool. I have way too much on my mind lately. Its so hard to be real sometimes, when i just want to lie.. but i am... and thats why i cant talk to matt.. i cant face him, knowing.. that.. its over, and i dont want him anymore. its horrible. I want what i cant have.. I need what i never get. humm... seems like a problem to me.. eh? |
| Saturday, October 27th, 2001 | |
| 1:51 pm | system of a down Last night Matt and i had a HUUUUUGE blowout.. huge. HUUUUge... i bawled my eyes out on the phone. Ive never done that before... it was just horrible.. im just a neurotic confused woman.. delane said it.. its true. I dont know what i want, when i want it.. or when i want it.. or how i want it.. in any aspect of my life.. there are just so many factors involved. Its insane.. and its driving me insane.. I want what i cant have.. or what doesnt want me, or what i know i cannot possibly achieve, or contain. Heather stayed the night last night, it was fun, we havent done that in a long time. I feel like a kid again when heather stays over, we sleep in the same bed, like we used to when we were little... but the funny thing was, i kept waking up, and rolling over, or turning my head, and heather would be in my face, and i'd be like. AH! because i totally forgot she was there.. lol, im a serious nerd. haha. im so used to sleeping by myself you know..? Oh yeah, back to matt..any of you remember this dream i had a while ago about matt having these incredible hazel/green eyes?? well.. last night.. i come to find out.. yeah, matt has hazel eyes.. i was like.. WHAT? Matt your eyes are BROWN.. and hes like.. yeah, they arent really brown anymore.. i was like.. WHAAT.. it was soooo incredibly trippy, i cant even explain it.. because here i had this dream, and I was trying to find the "hidden meaning" behind it.. but all the while.. his eyes are the color that i thought they werent for sure.. very odd if you ask me.. I dont know whats wrong with me.. Matt is totally committed to me.. and its like.. i do love him, but.. i dont know.. and he was soooooo upset last night, i have never in my life felt matt talk to me like he did.. he wasnt yelling, but in a way.. he was.. hes like.. im going out on a limb for you.. and im putting all of my eggs into one basket, and maybe i shouldnt do that.. i want to be with you, and im willing to try, and make this work, but it doesnt sound like you are willing to do that.. i was like.. AH! i wanted to scream.. i dont know what the hell i want, okay? so STOP! I wish life could be simple, and pleasant.. but its not.. this isnt pleasantville.. its.. real life.- and tonight, im supposed to be going to this party..and ive been looking forward to it for over a week.. and now the party is tonight, but.. i dont really want to go anymore.. whats the deal with that?? humm... i wish i really wanted to go.. but.. in actuality.. i dont. I dont understand myself sometimes. Its just.. Im not going to know anyone there.. and its going to be me, amanda, her sis, her boyfriend, and her bro, and then.. TONS of people who i dont know. I guess im not really the "party" type.. humm...im not sure what im going to do.. but right now, i feel just like driving far away, and being by myself.. isnt that strange.. ?? because im in this house by myself.. but.. i feel as though i need to go somewhere to be alone. i think im going to go run some errands..hummm i just have to decide the errands that i have to "run" .. humm.. all i can think of.. is that i need to go develop some film... for my dads bday present im framing a pic of him and i.. :)-- dah. i should call up delane. i feel bad. :( im sorry bout last night babe!! well, im gonna stop for now.. blah. Current Mood:  distressedCurrent Music: system of a down- chop suey |
| Thursday, October 25th, 2001 | |
| 9:41 pm | door to door.. I just watched Jerry Maguire, i got it in the mail today.. and man, that movie always makes me cry. Bummer. Anyway, today was wierd.. - i dont actually want to go into what happened this morning, because i hope i never experience that again, basically two guys show up at my door, and make me feel like a rape victim.. it was horrible, its like, they wouldnt leave me alone, and they wouldnt take their eyes off of me, with these sick smiles on their faces, it as awful. Then i go to amandas and we go shopping, which was fun.. then we get into my car, and we're driving back to lacey, and at a stoplight, this guy pulls up next to me in a truck.. and i glanced, and it was this gorgeous guy, and he looked at me, and smiled, and i looked away, and.. then looked back, and he looked at me again.. and so i smiled.. and this went on a few times, the whole entire time, im thinking.. "why is this hot guy smiling at me..?" then the light turned green, and i had to get on the freeway, and while i turned, i looked at him, and he made a sad face and waved goodbye.. amanda looked at me, and she says.. amber.. that couldve been the guy you were meant to be with.. and i said.. i know. he was... wonderful. wow. he was tan.. chiseled jaw... oh man, just.. wow. really nice smile, nice eyes, even good hair.. it was just.. uugh.. it was rough. lol.. yeah, but he looked like.. 26 at LEAST.. so he couldve been like 30ish.. so..... :( but he was.. beautiful. sigh. well.. thats my life for you. I heard some people at work were talking crap about me, which im not really suprized to hear, but i have to go back to work tomorrow, and thats a bummer, because I have to face them.. but.. amanda says i have balls.. i guess i do. I just need to face the music, and not care about what anyone says. Im a good person, and that is it. I have so much to give,- uuh.. im lonely. lol. julie left me for the night, actually.. i wont see her until.. sunday? yeah, shes going away, and im not going to have any company at the house for a while.. which.. sorta sucks, but it doesnt.. a part of me really enjoys being alone, but another part of me needs physical affection.. lol, not that i get that from my ROOMATE.. lol, but still you know what im talking about. humm.. well. i try. Everyday, i wake up, and i tell myself.. amber, you care worthy of love.. you are.. you are.. you are.. but sometimes.. like right now.. its hard for me to understand that... but the only thing I guess i can really do.. is just learn to love myself, because.. if you cant love yourself.. who can love you.. Current Mood: rejected |
| Wednesday, October 24th, 2001 | |
| 10:14 pm | Mia vie en shambles My life.. is a mess. I mean, i guess its not really a mess.. its just my priorities are all mixed up. Im a big jerk, and i hate myself for it, its so upsetting. I mean, theres matt, and i care for him so much, but.. hes not here, and hes constantly letting me down, even though in a way its not his fault!!! Its just hard to picture myself being with him after all of this time. But I will admit, hes matured greatly in the past couple of months, I mean, yesterday when we were talking before i hung up, he was like.. -i miss you. and he neer used to do things like that... So, i mean, his feelings for me definitely have grown a lot.... which is pretty neat, considering that I havent seen him in person for.. three years?? wait. could be going on four.. i think.? Delane says in my mind i am trying to find any fault to push him away.. and in a way i realize this, but i dont. Its like.. i do care for Matt, but then again, i want to experience life.. i want to be with other people... But.. is that wrong? Is that wrong for me to want to be with someone here.. Honestly.. i really dont think it is.. I havent had a boyfriend since my freshman year in high school.. and thats... rough. really rough.. lol. But i have people that maybe i could be with.. but.. i feel as though im doing something wrong. Matt and i had a talk about the whole.. "seeing other people " thing, and its like.. he said.. "amber.. im not going to see anyone here, and i wont be seeing anyone here, i just want you to know that." but if i do see someone here, he wants to know about it. How.. can i tell him something like that.. But you know, i feel as though i am completely entitled to do that, I am completely entitled to be loved, the way i should be.. you know? Its just really hard for me right now, and it frustrates me so much, i cant even begin to explain it. I went out with D tonight we had fun, and we went to this little mexican resturaunt called El taca ria ( i KNOW i didnt spell it right.. lol) but anyway... i love that place, its this little resturaunt, and its so cute, because its run by this couple, and they know you when you come in.. its nice. Its funny though because i always order the same exact thing when im there, a chicken taco salad, :) its so good. :) But anyway.. Delane and i had a nice time, which is always good. Also.. Im quitting my job, which is very very stressful, Ive just decided that im not happy.. :( I need to do something that makes me happy, you know. And right now.. im not. And its so stressful, because I love those people, and the thought of me leaving them, makes me sad, but i need to do whats best for me.. you know? So, Im still presently employed there..But im not sure for how long.. But Im applying at Starbucks, so hopefully I will get hired there, and i can see what its like to be in a different field of work. I think itd be really cool if Delane and i somehow could work together, i think we'd have a blast.. hehe. :) Tonight i was listening to my pj harvey cd.. and it really made me think about my life, and my relationships, and how things all connect. I really miss talkin to Katie too, i havent really gotten a chance to really talk to her like we have been lately, which bites. :( I love her to death, and i miss her sooo much. Then that brings me to Michael.. I havent spoken to him in a couple of.. weeks? It was very strange, because we really connected, we've talked twice.. but.. we just.. clicked. i cant even begin to explain it. he keeps telling katie that hes going to call me, but he hasnt yet. which really tells me that.. he just.. doesnt care, but then again who would.. oh well. Its like.. Im always the one who puts in all of the effort.. and that is so frustrating.. i just wish that someone would come, and sweep me off of my feet.. lol, but doesnt everyone wish that.. I sure do. ;) Oh well.. maybe I'll find someone someday... or.. maybe i wont. Who knows, maybe i just was meant to be alone? Humm.. maybe i just need a pet? lol Someone who wont leave me, or lead me on.. lol, thats so typical of me to say.. blah.. but delane, you know that. :( Well.. im going to get going, i actually tried to make this entry not so... random as usual.. lol :) oh well, i try.. i better go now.. I just tried to talk to matt online, and he just signed off, that was real nice.. uugh.. anyway.. later.. Current Mood:  confusedCurrent Music: humming of the comp. blah.. |
| 3:07 pm | OH my gosh.. RYAN!! *AmBeR* says: ... X x says: you just recognized my name *AmBeR* says: yeah.. X x says: from when *AmBeR* says: im sorry, dont be upset. *AmBeR* says: what.. i talked to you a month or so ago... X x says: oh really X x says: lol this is funny *AmBeR* says: what. *AmBeR* says: you cant do this to me. its so wrong. X x says: gggrr 5 minutes till i have to start work *AmBeR* says: tell me who you are.. *AmBeR* says: and why you havent talked to me in so long.. *AmBeR* says: ?? X x says: im on a computer at work does that help X x says: i talked to you last night *AmBeR* says: ummm.. lol X x says: and the night before X x says: and the night before *AmBeR* says: lol whaat *AmBeR* says: bahahah X x says: lol i told you i had to work today but i didnt want to work *AmBeR* says: what/ *AmBeR* says: omg *AmBeR* says: what the hell X x says: do you kow who i am yet *AmBeR* says: why are you messing with my head, thats sooo incredibly fucked. X x says: because i love you and want to see if you know who i am *AmBeR* says: bahahhaha *AmBeR* says: if you love me then how come you JUST now send me this little card. *AmBeR* says: i dont get it. *AmBeR* says: talk to me.. *AmBeR* says: ? X x says: because i just got my little computer at work X x says: i have 2 minutes *AmBeR* says: why.. are you doing this. *AmBeR* says: and u love me? *AmBeR* says: since when.. X x says: damn it *AmBeR* says: ? X x says: did you figure it out yet *AmBeR* says: im getting mad X x says: so am i X x says: who else would send you a card like that *AmBeR* says: what? *AmBeR* says: oh my gosh. X x says: and who else has to work all night *AmBeR* says: casper X x says: lol X x says: finally *AmBeR* says: oh my god i love you.You scared me so bad!! *AmBeR* says: youre a bastard. X x says: im at work *AmBeR* says: :( *AmBeR* says: you should call me. *AmBeR* says: :( X x says: cant *AmBeR* says: bummer. X x says: im pretending to do paper work irght now *AmBeR* says: hey.. if you EVER do that again. *AmBeR* says: big trouble. X x says: the main boss is here *AmBeR* says: huge. X x says: that was so funny *AmBeR* says: no.. *AmBeR* says: it wasnt! *AmBeR* says: i asked if it was u.. *AmBeR* says: i wanted it to be you.. *AmBeR* says: and you are sooooooo mean. X x says: you said do you have any screen names like dragula *AmBeR* says: yeah.. i did X x says: you never asked if i had dragula as an email address *AmBeR* says: you bastard. *AmBeR* says: you owe me.. bigtime. X x says: or if i used the computer at work *AmBeR* says: you dont even know X x says: aahhhhh X x says: im gonna hate work tonight X x says: line 3 is down ggggrrrr damn it *AmBeR* says: :( X x says: means we have to pack the bottles in the boxes by hand all night *AmBeR* says: ryan, you are in such big trouble with me.. *AmBeR* says: you have no idea. X x says: what is 6400 x 45 X x says: thats how many bottles we have to pack *AmBeR* says: ryan. X x says: what *AmBeR* says: you are in HUGE trouble with me. *AmBeR* says: do you understand that. *AmBeR* says: i was so freaked out. X x says: why *AmBeR* says: because that scared me. *AmBeR* says: :( X x says: because a freak knew everything about you lol *AmBeR* says: uhh yeah! *AmBeR* says: i was like.. what X x says: you gotta admit it was funny *AmBeR* says: :) X x says: ill be back later they need me to work X x says: have fun *AmBeR* says: and i really wanted to talk to you yesterday *AmBeR* says: ;( X x says: i love you *AmBeR* says: :) Yeah, so the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME IT WAS RYAN... you know the guy that ive been talking to for a long time.. lol, dah! that jerk! oh man, whoo i was scared.. anyway.. boys are mean.. |
| 12:08 pm | AH! So, im online right, and i get an email from this d_r_a_g_u_l_a@hotmail.com, this little ecard, and it says, Dear amber, You may not be here with me... but thoughts of you are always in my heart! love, XxxX So im like.. uh. what?? because i sorta recognized the email address, but i had no idea who it was.. so i email them, and im like.. umm.. thanks for the card, but normally its polite to sign it so I'll know who its from... Lol So im online, and he messages me..(oh yeah, im changing my phone # in this.. so ha!) X x says: Hello sweetie. *AmBeR* says: helloo *AmBeR* says: so u sent me a email thing.. X x says: yes *AmBeR* says: and.. we talked before?? X x says: yes *AmBeR* says: you wanna refresh my memory.. *AmBeR* says: because out of no where you send me this email. X x says: you forgot me X x says: i thought you loved me *AmBeR* says: whats your name.. lol *AmBeR* says: ? X x says: lol *AmBeR* says: well.. why dontyou tell me your name.. *AmBeR* says: ? X x says: how can you forget my name *AmBeR* says: what! *AmBeR* says: oh my gosh. lol, X x says: i know your name *AmBeR* says: i know. because it shows up X x says: amber stewart *AmBeR* says: lol. whaat. *AmBeR* says: huuh.. you need to tell me who u are. lol X x says: thinkyo X x says: u have to remember me *AmBeR* says: whaat.. well.. remind me. lol *AmBeR* says: what the heck *AmBeR* says: ? X x says: 3604931987 *AmBeR* says: yeah so. X x says: i have your phone number *AmBeR* says: ummm yeah X x says: hahahaha X x says: this is so funny *AmBeR* says: what. *AmBeR* says: no.. its not. X x says: lmao X x says: i cant stop laughing *AmBeR* says: whaat X x says: i dont know wether this is funny or it should hurt *AmBeR* says: well tellme who you are lol X x says: tell me who you are X x says: oh wait i already know that one X x says: hahahahah Then he signed off.. and i was ... majorly freaked out.. what should i do??? ah. i dont remember this guy..and he knows my name.. and he knows my phone number.. dear GOd what else does he know??? ehh. :( Talked to steve till like 430am, damnit, im on the phone waaay entirely too much, but hes so hot, how could i not.. lol.. hehe.. bad bad bad.. ;) well.. everyone.. help! Current Mood:  nauseatedCurrent Music: silence.. |
| Tuesday, October 23rd, 2001 | |
| 12:11 pm | Mr. Matthew can suck it. Yeah, so i guess matt called me last night when i was online,he left a message on my machine"Hi amber, its matt, just callin yah.. umm.. give me a call on my cell tonight.. blah blah blah.." hey, guess what.. Im not fucking calling you! so.. HA! yeah.. ive tried to get ahold of him for like.. days now.. and he calls me, and stutters his cell number on my machine, like i should call him TONIGHT.. fuck.. that. yeah right. dah. Too bad i was talkin to some other guy on the phone anyway, so whatever... sometimes.. lemme tell yah.. that just pisses me off.. Heehe.. you know what else?? ahhaha, so umm.. i got this email card, and i have NO idea who it was from.. i think it mightve been from this guy ryan, because he was gonna email me.. but he didnt leave his name.. it was so funny though, its like.. even though we're far apart, youre always in my thoughts.. and some sappy music was playin.. i was like.. huh? lol.. so i replied to the guy, and i was like. ummm.. next time you send me a card.. it may be helpful for you to .. umm.. leave your name so i know who this is.. lol.. hahaha okay.. anyway.. last night sucked, because my phone cut out on this guy, and yeah, i couldnt get ahold of him again.. dah! poor amber, oh well. anyway.. love you all.. byee Current Mood:  pleasedCurrent Music: me. :) |
| Monday, October 22nd, 2001 | |
| 3:22 pm | hehe.. Last night i ended up talking to steve till like.. 3am, and.. it was the best time Ive had.. ever. no joke.. Im not going to go into it.. but he is awesome.. hes such a stud.. ahahh .. hehe. anyway. man.. whoo.. So im stressed about my job, and matt not ever calling me stresses me out to, and this whole thing goin on with heather and the whole money thing, yeah, thats stressin me out too.. but.. its okay, i love her, and i love matt, and things are all gonna be okay. sigh. but steve, is friggin tight.. ahahaa.. oh man. anyway. i dont feel guilty about anything, because.. matts not here, and if he were, id just be with him, and id be happy. Gosh, i put up with so much.. sometimes i wonder.. should i? but.. then i think about him, and i know its worth it. Humm.. what else.. its really cold outside, and its raining.. :( which is lame. but thats okay, I'm about to go pick up my little sister, and we're gonna go shopping, then im going to bring her over here, and make spaghetti for her.. i make the best spaghetti. hehee.. no really. i do. i think im friggin awesome at makin that stuff.. :) i hope she likes it. I was watching this thing on tv the other night, about this little girl that was adopted and abused, and it was crazy, because she looked just like my little 7 year old sister, i wanted to cry, because God i love her so much, and i dont know what id do without her, she means so much to me.. :) Im really at a point in my life where i am discovering myself, its really good though, because ive changed so much lately. Im so much more happy with myself, and i have gained a new respect and love for the people in my life. :) Its very very.. good. Its like for the first time in my life.. I can see clearly, I can see the whole picture. well.. it still is a little cloudy. but.. i can see it. Humm.. there is life without dave. :) and that life.. is good.:) |
| Friday, October 19th, 2001 | |
| 8:54 pm | Memories.. :) Man, it was crazy.. how things just remind you of the past.. i was looking for some stuff to download, and i came across the song, get you home, by foxy brown and blackstreet.. man.. that song brings back.. memories.. lol.. from.. MIDDLE school? LOL, back then, amber was the shiznit.. lol, i had a different boyfriend everyweek.. but then again.. how old was i.. 12? lol.. ah.. to be 12 again.. actually.. im glad its over.. my high school years sucked. But.. here i am.. i made it, i survived. but .. the memory lingers on... sigh.. its crazy.. all i remember is the dances. and actually how fun they were.. but at the same time.. how extremely lame they were...--oh hellyeah, i just found my other song.. hey lover by llcoolJ, man.. that one.. sheesh.. brings back memories... two words.. Chris Mason.. whoooo hooo.. lol, i was in looooove. Yeah, but i never told him, it was sad, he moved away.. we couldve had something.. i KNOW he liked me... damnit. damnit damnit.. we couldve made sweet music together.. damn. oh well.. but yeah.. thinking about it.. actually makes me smile... :) Anyway.. speaking of middle school.. im actually talking to a guy right now online named brandon who went to my school.. strange.. hes like.. i always liked your smile.. lol. riight.. ?? boys are strange. anyway.. i got the cutest sweater last night with delane.. lalaaaa.. :) i had sooo much fun sh0oppin.. i loooove my delaney.. hes such a funny guy.. even though he got mad because i kept changing the radio station in my car when the game was on.. heheh~! okay.. i called matt today.. but he wasnt there.. and i JUST now realized why he wasnt there.. duh.. its a friday night.. duuuh.. damnit though.. that butthead. oh well. ;( saaad.. i miss hiiiim.. damnit. damnit daaaamnit. oh well.. im gonna bounce. |
| Tuesday, October 16th, 2001 | |
| 1:11 pm | Ma vie en rouge.. err..or NOT. I dont remember the last time i talked to Matt, but hes being a butthead because he hasnt called me, laame.. oh well.It was very strange, i had a dream last night, and he was in it.. but in my dream, he was the hottest ever.. humm.. odd. and the really wierd thing... his eyes were hazel, not brown. strange huh?? maybe theres some sort of a hidden message in there?? i like guys with hazel or green eyes?? green eyes are sexy though.. blue too.. and brown are okay..hahha.. sorry all of your browneyed people out there no offense. :) Oh well. Ive been online entirely waaay too much lately. Amanda is the coolest, shes making me go to this halloween party.. :) i think im gonna be a chick from the 80s.. hehhe, plus.. its a good way for me to get to know jason better.. you know?? ack.. im scared. baahhahaha.. oh well. dah- i have nothing to say that i want to type.. so im gonna go.. later. Current Mood:  aggravatedCurrent Music: Dont change your plans- Ben Folds Five |
| Monday, October 15th, 2001 | |
| 7:10 pm | Does it matter?? It starts with one thing I don't know why It doesn't even matter how hard you try keep that in mind I designed this rhyme To explain in due time All I know Time is a valuable thing Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings Watch it count down to the end of the day The clock ticks life away It's so unreal Didn't look out below Watch the time go right out the window Trying to hold on, but didn't even know Wasted it all just to watch you go I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard And got so far But in the end It doesn't even matter I had to fall To lose it all But in the end It doesn't even matter One thing, I don't know why It doesn't even matter how hard you try keep that in mind I designed this rhyme, to remind myself how I tried so hard In spite of the way you were mocking me Acting like I was part of your property Remembering all the times you fought with me I'm surprised it got so (far) Things aren't the way they were before You wouldn't even recognize me anymore Not that you knew me back then But it all comes back to me (in the end) You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I Chorus I've put my trust in you Pushed as far as I can go And for all this There's only one thing you should know (2x) Chorus |
| Saturday, October 13th, 2001 | |
| 2:42 pm | People.. confuse me. Dah.. friends should be friends, and thats that.. I hate it when guys try to confuse you, by trying to do things with you, like say they want to kiss you.. etc etc. it just.. ticks me off. oh well, anyway.. I consider myself to be a very genuine person, and i dont do things with people that i dont like.. especially if they are my close friends.. whom i've known forever.. yeah.. if youre reading this.. you know who you are you complete and utter butt head. :) oh well, i still love yah, you just confuse me. Oh well.. anyway.. heather came over last night, it was fun.. shes comin over again today, it should be a blast.. we rented "heathers" lol.. funny huh?? get it.. heather and i are watching the movie. "heathers" LOL ahhaha.. okay, well, i thought it was funny anyway. So, what else can i say.. i like katies friend.. i dont even know him, and its insane, but i do.. and i like jason, but i dont know if anythings happening with that.. and i like.. of course... mr. matthew.. but hes a butt munch, because he hasnt been paying much attention to me lately.. blah. oh well, thats all i have to say about that is oh friggin well.. anyway. I saw nicole at work today, and she didnt even know i called her AGAIN.. so shes supposedly supposed to call me and we are going to hook up and hang out soon.. which is awesome, because shes.. awesome.. and lots of fun.. just really fun to be around, i like the kind of person i can be around her.. myself, totally goofy.. hehe. anyway, thats all i have to say for now.. so.. i never heard that song before on amber's journal.. so im downloadin it.. i cant beleive I've never heard it.. I am such a dave mathews junkie.. but you know what other band is totally awesome.. is... ben folds five.. i have my d to thank for that.. thanks d... :) well. thats all i have to blab about for now.. i'm sure i'll be blabbin some more later... Current Mood:  mischievousCurrent Music: hero- enrique iglesias |
| Thursday, October 11th, 2001 | |
| 10:21 pm | move on.. love is not strong love is not stable i tried to hold it but i wasnt able i never thought that i'd be saying this to you what else could i do love leads to loss words condensending love is the pathway to unhappy endings and if i keep my chin up i still see clouds that look like you so look down is what i do and though its alright if you cry a little something inside and its died a little you dont have to hide but youve got to move on you gotta move on love leads to tears tears lead to sadness sadness to memories memories to madness i never thought of all these things that love could be or what it did to me and though its alright if you cry a little something inside and its died a little you dont have to hide but youve got to move on you gotta move on and though its alright if you cry a little something inside, and its died a little you dont have to hide but youve got to move on and though its alright if you cry a little something inside and its died a little you dont have to hind but youve gotta move on you gotta move on thats a new song by the verve pipe.. good stuff.. humm.. maybe it means something.. who knows. Current Mood: discontent |
| Wednesday, October 10th, 2001 | |
| 8:38 pm | let me tell you a liiiiittle story. :) Hey. So, Ive really been into just leaving my house, and going on walks lately.. i love it though.. its just so peaceful. I went on a two hour walk today.. it was great.. i love being out there in the cold, but warm in my hoodie. :) yup.. it was fun, i took sammy on a walk, then i came back, and i took my roomates boyfriends' dog on a walk too.. LOL I should start a business. it was good though, i think walking is really good for the soul.. no really.. i do.. it just so nice not to be stuck inside.. with the tv, or the computer.. yeah.. but.. it was nice. So, i talked to Michael last night.. until one in the morning.. he is.. absolutely.. great. its insane.. hes soo.. i cant even word it. hes just.. wonderful. WHERE THE HELL DID KATIE FIND HIM!?!? ACCK! yeah, but he lives in OR, which really super sucks.. but really.. if something DOES happen with us.. I'd totally drive to OR, no problem.. hehe.. yeah. So thats how that goes. Heather was kinda a poop today.. which ... sucked, but thats okay, we move into the new house in two weeks.. im stoked. :) hehe. julie and i hung out all day today, it was really good.. but it sucks.. just when i am going to move out.. my roomate and i become close. :) oh well, i'll still come back and hang out with her.. :) so anyway. called matt the other day, left a message.. has he called me back.. NoOOOOOOOoOoOOooooOOooOOoOoOooO sheesh.. dumb boys. oh well, i dont really care too much about it right now. i just wish katie would get her butt back online, because i like to talk to her.. anyway.. im gonna go.. bye Current Mood:  relaxed |
| Tuesday, October 9th, 2001 | |
| 4:10 pm | And katie is imprisoned... Ive been trying to get ahold of my friend katie for a couple of days now.. and i come to find out.. yeah, katie got arrested at a protest rally .. what the heck!?!??! katie nelson!! BIG TROUBLE!! aack.. oh well, shes fine now, but actually i just think its sorta funny.. silly katie. :) i love that girl.. maybe thats why shes my best friend.. hehe. :) anyway.. Life is going alright.. Ive had a lot of time to think and think and think some more.. boys are nothing but trouble.. I am always changing my mind.. all the time... oh well. One day i wont be so indecisive. I saw Jason last night, and yeah, hes a real hottie, but.. eeh. i dont know. I wouldnt mind going out to the movies or whatever... that'd be fun, I think im going to the corn maze this friday night.. aack! scary. I think jason's going, so i will really have to use him, because i will get very very scared.. no joke.. its this huge corn maze in the dark!! its awesome.. I've never gone, just heard about it. talk about children of the corn!! LOL haha.. anyway. havent talked to matt in a few days..no biggy though. I think.. im gonna get some counseling.. ?? not about matt, but about some other crap i cant get out of my system.. so.. yeah, i dont know how.. but somehow.. i am.. because ive decided.. maybe its just what i need.. you know? I talked to my friend jenijoy last night, which was really awesome, because i havent talked to her in over a year, and shes really got her life together, and shes doing great, which is so wonderful, because shes a wonderful person. :) Humm.. what else??? well, thats about it. Heather is settling some of the house details today, so i wont be living here too much longer... acck.. this whole entire thing is scary.. ahhhh. well.. i should prolly go.. i love you all. ;) byee.. oh yeah.. delane.. give me a call-- princess amber-- damn you like to post a lot.. LOL-- and who else.. hummm.. oh yes.. my little friend from the east coast spiral- GIRLS ARE THE COOLEST!!! -- Gave- hello buddy-- other than that.. i know i didnt meantion everyone.. but.. hi- bye. :) Current Mood:  rushedCurrent Music: youve got it bad- usher |