|
|
Sunday, August 19th, 2001
| |
8:49 am
|
and some they say
could call it obsession
an unhealthy form
loving something
that doesn't love you back
i'm afraid to touch you
afraid of what you might think
afraid of what might become
afraid of losing you
again i slip into this figure
of waiting here before the line
and as i wait so patiently
i pray that i don't fuck this up again
because
you're afraid to touch me
afraid of what i might think
afraid of what i may assume
afraid of turning me loose
again i test the waters of time
starting out a new beginning
i only hope that you will find the patience
to let me show you that
i can love you again
current mood:  drained
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, August 17th, 2001
| |
4:00 am - phantom walls
|
sensed but unheard
as the curtain softly stirs
it is not just a memory
but it lives and breathes
watching over you whilst you sleep
kneeling beside you when you weep
hey, don't be afraid
don't try to run away
because pain can be your friend
as it explains
the answers to your questions
consoles you in blue reflections
listens to your soul's confessions
then leads you in new directions
so open your heart again
and feel the walls dissolve
something's whispering to you
it's time to let go
because the only thing that stays the same
is that everything must change
everything must change
hey, embrace your pain
you cannot run away
and pain can be your friend
as it explains
that all the while that you were waiting
for love to keep the light from waning
it's pain that stops the heart from hating
that cures the mind of hesitating
that helps the soul in separating
from everything that it's been blaming
everything's changing
current mood: patient still
current music: sialoid (version)
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, August 16th, 2001
| |
6:00 pm - optimism never seemed
|
remember;
i will always love you
even as you plunge
the dagger
in my back
just like make believe
this can't really be happening
but unfortunately
remember,
i will wait for you
until you grow past
this facade/parade
that the fools are playing
with all the patience
and love you have shown me
i could only want to do
something like that for you
remember.
me;
and i still care
yearning,
but no one's here
current mood: wondered; black
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
1:30 pm - western eyes
|
forgotten throes of anothers life
the heart of love is their only light
faithless greeds, consolidating
holding down sweet charity
with western eyes and serpents breath
we lay our own conscience to rest
but I'm aching at the view
yes I'm breaking at the scenes just like you
they have values of a certain taste
the innocent they can hardly wait
to crucify, invalidating
turning to dishonesty
with western eyes and serpents breath
they lay their own conscience to rest
but then they lie and then they dare to be
hidden heroes candidly
so i'm aching at the view
yes i'm breaking at the scenes just like you
i feel so cold on hookers and gin...
this mess we're in
current mood: drifting aimlessly
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
4:15 am - how to disappear completely
|
that there; that's not me.
i go, where i please.
i walk through walls,
i float down the liffey.
i'm not here, this isn't happening.
i'm not here, i'm not here
in a little while, i'll be gone.
the moments already passed;
yeah, it's gone.
and i'm not here.
this isn't happening.
i'm not here.
i'm not here.
strobe lights and blown speakers.
fireworks and hurricanes.
i'm not here.
this isn't happening...
i'm not here.
i'm not here.
current mood:  sore
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, August 15th, 2001
| |
9:36 pm - and lastly; forgotten
|
when/why do we forgive?
is it understanding
compassion
experience
when you do forgive
someone that's hurt you?
when they hurt
like you are
when they hurt
like you did
when they hurt
for you still
why do you forgive
someone that's hurt you?
time has passed
the wounds will heal
time is past
the wounds have healed
time was passing
and the scars reveal
such undue
and over treated
passion
your cruelty
forgives no one
or so it seems
time for reconciling
current mood:  discontent
current music: nine inch nails - a warm place
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
2:27 am - pushit
|
"we've been trying something a little different this tour
we've been looking at one of our songs, from a different angle
under a different light
so we can hopefully, kind of, see it almost for the first time
we'd like to try that for you tonight, is that okay?
we're going to need your help though
we need your help
and your permission
so we need you to find a comfortable space
that's not only comfortable
but vulnerable
I want you to shut your eyes and go there
and we'll meet you on the other side"
saw that gap again today.
while you were begging me to stay.
take care not to make me enter.
if I do we both may disappear.
saw that gap again today.
while you were begging me to stay
managed to push myself away
and you as well, my dear
and you, as well
pushed you away my dear
I will choke until I swallow
choke this infant here before me
what are you but my reflection?
who am I to judge or strike you down?
but you're pushing me
and Im shoving you
and your pushing me
and Im shoving you
rest your trigger on my finger,
bang my head upon the fault line
you better take care not to make me enter
if I do we both may disappear
but you're pushing me
and Im shoving you
and your pushing me
and Im shoving you
you still love me
we're pushing and were shoving
and you're pushing and I'm shoving
you still love me
and were pushing and were shoving
and I'm pushing as your shoving
and Im slipping back into the gap again
I feel alive when you touch me...
I feel alive when you hold me...
...down
slipping back into you
I am somewhere I dont wanna be, yeah
put me somewhere I dont wanna be
push me somewhere I dont wanna be
seeing someplace I don't wanna see
never wanna see that place again...
saw that gap again today
while you were begging me to stay
managed to push myself away,
and you as well, my dear
if, when I say I may fade like a sigh if I stay,
you minimize my movement anyway,
I must persuade you another way
pushing and shoving and
pushing and shoving and
pushing me
there's no love in fear.
staring down the hole again.
hands are on my back again.
survival is my only friend.
terrified of what may come.
remember I will always love you,
as I save the betrayal you gave away.
it will end no other way.
current mood: shallow;blink
|
|
(4 comments |comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, August 14th, 2001
| |
4:04 am
|
|
| Monday, August 13th, 2001
| |
7:19 am - almost whole
|
well, all is not lost. at least not for now.
the melodrama, as it will, has kicked its ugly fucking head back into high gear and is starting to stir up quite an unbelievable batch of shit.
but like i said, all is not lost. in the middle of diversity there is the center. the ever watching eye, the calm, waiting to push you back into the insanity.
sometimes it only seems we are making progress, but when you really think about it, aren't we all back peddling a little? and as a society as a whole, don't you think there's A LOT of back peddling?
but it's okay. and you want to know why? all is not lost. there will always be someone there to pull you through to the other side. always. whether you believe it or not; no matter what position or outlook you may have on the matter.
all is not lost.
believe it
and maybe
while you're
at it
convince me
current mood:  relieved
current music: Nine Inch Nails - Ruiner (rejected trance remix from the tds sessions)
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, August 10th, 2001
| |
5:40 pm
|
of course i couldn't have been
more oblivious
unaware
suspicious to
the sweetest reward
and as these trials
and tribulations
continue to undermine
this weary and altogether
frail interior
my conscious flow past
the undeniable causes
and i am drawn to be critical
of myself, once more
a semi awakened moment
of happiness intrudes
breaking the muted emptiness
left from your sweetest touch
gone awry
help me find a way
to touch your soul again
lead me to the path
of least resistance
i don't want to lose you again
current mood: lonely
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
3:55 am
|
i am really, skunk assed fucking drunk right now.
it really helps with all the pain i've been feeling lately though.
I went out tonight with a few friends of mine and helped them get people to come home with them. Funny thing is, they paid more attention to me than to them. So I was driven home then, so I wouldn't be a distraction.
so now i am home. drunk as fucking fuck. i wish i had someone to hold and tell my deepest darkest fears to. i miss the feeling of being not alone. i miss holding the sweetest thing, the dearest thing that ever meant something to me.
actually meant something. and now it's gone.
i really don't care right now.
i'm too inebriated to care.
i wish i was still in your arms
i'm sick of all the stupid games
please come back to me
i won't hurt you
i wont hurt you
i wont hurt you
again
promise.
and you know i mean it.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, August 9th, 2001
| |
2:24 am - the whisperers
|
a lonely silhouette
smoking a cigarette
hoping for the phone to ring
though he's sick of the sound
of people's mouths
winding him up
and putting him down
don't get sad
when people that you trusted stab you in the back
so, you thought they were your friends?
now you know
now you know
there's one thing in life that holds
and now he wants to cry
staying in on friday night
lying in his birthday suit
and listening to the bickering
from the room above
and wondering if it's fear of loneliness or love
that keeps people like that together
forever...
don't get sad
when people that you trust stab you in the back
so, you thought they were your friends?
now you know
now you know
there's one thing in life that holds
you're on your own
you've gotta grow
you've gotta grow
you're on your own
you're on your own
current mood: fragile
|
|
(2 comments |comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, August 7th, 2001
| |
7:23 am - my curse
|
you hurt me baby
i flinch so when you do
your kisses scourge me
hyssop in your perfume
oh, I do not fear you
and slave I only use
as a word to describe the special way I feel for you
you look like me
and I look like no one else
we need no other
as long as we have ourselves
but I won't cry about it
every time you get obsessed
every time I came undressed
all ugly thoughts are gone
i'm sure we'll all be friends
i'll try to break your back
you'll try to make amends
curse softly to me baby
and smother me in your love
temptation comes not from hell but from above
and there's blood on my teeth
when I bite my tongue to speak
zip me down, kiss me there
i can smile now
you won't find out ever
hurt me baby
i flinch so when you do
your kisses scourge me
hyssop in your perfume
oh I do not fear you
and slave I only use as a word to describe
the way I feel when I'm with you
if I have to lie about it every time I came undressed
|
|
(2 comments |comment on this)
|
| |
3:40 am
|
even though i was somewhat optimistic about the start of a new week, some things have alerted me that everything is still going horribly wrong.
exhibit a> recently developed a wonderful case of strep throat
exhibit b> my lower right wisdom tooth is still coming in crooked. making for a lot of pressure in my mouth and all my lower teeth to cram together.
exhibit c> my driver's license was just suspended
exhibit d> i was just recently dumped by my significant other.
exhibit e> my horoscope for the week read,
"Greetings Aquarius,
Here's your horoscope for the week of August 6th - August 12th.
Some issues involving friends and loved ones are in the process of being resolved this week. It should be a good time for finding out what is truly important to you. Don't be afraid to re-examine some important decisions that you've made recently. Expect some domestic and financial issues to come into the spotlight.
i'm pretty much convinced this whole week is going to blow my ass.
and in a baad way.
so here's the deal. i give up. okay?
go ahead, give me the straight razor/gun/cyanide/bomb/enclosed running car and let's just get this over with all quick like.
cause i'm really getting tired of all this stupid bullshit.
current mood: extremely miserable
current music: Nine Inch Nails - Starfuckers Inc (D Ogilvie mix)
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, August 5th, 2001
| |
4:35 pm
|
why wasn't this the ending?
continuation
and on what higher scale
is this motive pushing for?
now i am so confused
drowning in this barbituate state
i've put myself into
where are we going with this?
i'm still not done bleeding through my eyes
and yet all of those
eager mistakes you've made
have been taken back
and we have gone back to
waiting for time
so
how does it feel
when you don't love me anymore?
i wouldn't know
i'm choking on the misery
how does it feel
when you don't love me anymore
what did i ever do, to deserve this?
what did i do, what didn't i do?
please, don't do this to me
current mood:  confused
current music: devil rock music (to kill something to)
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, August 4th, 2001
| |
9:12 pm
|
to much
some valid hope
or reason
plea for sanity
for just some clarity
an overwhelming sensation
that you have created
and hidden from me
creating some illusion
then you can just drop and leave
before everything comes crashing down
because you have shown me the face to play
and then you leave me without saying anything
was there a purpose here?
some malicious attempt at reason?
or are you just as lonely and confused
as i am
now; here
to little
take this back
far away
from the nearest
breath of me
break or tear
if it's necessary
go away
fade away
still remain
some other way
where are you going
are you/you are going
the wrong way
brought back
the emptiest parts of me
shatter as you may
if/it is necessary
bleed this need
for the suffering
and draining
take this away
when were you going
are you/you are here
to stay
it won't break away
please go away
yesterday and today
disdain every waking memory
to late
there was a hope
a suggestion
that you could be
everything i've ever needed
and the warmth in your eyes
i can honestly say
was too much for me
in the beginning
but now your love is gone
subject to ridicule
like i've been
for all these years
and now i see the misery
and frailty
when i look into your eyes
this love has turned to spite
what am i left with
where is that hope
suggestion
that you are everything
i've ever needed
where did it go
if you stop pushing me away
i'll stop running away
hiding and start trying
to make you happy
like i used to
current mood: recently betrayed; resuming lost
current music: prick - makebelieve
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, August 2nd, 2001
| |
9:45 pm - supplemental poetic log - miserable and replaced
|
i love it when situations come up, a decision is made and you're not even involved.
especially when it involves a situation from a relationship; one you're intimately involved in.
so now it's my automatic turn/response to either blow up and look like a total freak or repress myself into a lonely drug/alcohol induced state. and it's still boggling my mind...so i'm attacking it at the least resistance.
sure it would be nice to lose control, go into a rage and throw back all the forced manipulation and games into their face. to know that i was not the one that gave up. the one that actually tried.
i was so overdrawn with grief i couldn't even cry. all the right elements were there. disappointment, confusion, betrayal. i'm curled up in the fetal position on my bed...getting choked up by disbelief and the unwavering question looming ever so near.
"What the fuck did I do?"
And the sad thing is, i did know. As I was in the process to change, the realization overcame me and i was left without a choice but failure. all i'm ever left with.
here i am in fits of rage, red eyed, just wishing i could cry and get the pain over with. not really over but out and somewhat under control. i wait and wonder. my mind is racing and the ducts are straining. yet nothing comes out. just like everything i've been getting from you lately.
fed up once again with self pity, i pull myself together, rage in hand and decide to make something good out of it. even if I never understand it. even if it never makes me feel one iota better. i know i need to release. i need to calm down. and i never know how.
so i'm back again writing depressing poetry riddled with a hope of accomplishment, but instead reeking of self doubt and failure. some pain killers, muscles relaxes, a bowl of illegal narcotics and several countless beers later; the thoughts are still spilling into my consciousness, but alas i am too numb to care.
at least for now. but then again, there is always tomorrow. tomorrow brings another sweet angel or at least the facade as such. and all none the wiser. i'm glad sometimes that i'm considered so clueless and disposable. such nonsense drives me to hidden guilty subconscious pleasures i dare not write about.
it's just nice to finally know
i'm so immediately/easily replaceable
current mood: immediatly/easily replacable
current music: tool - parabola
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
8:53 pm - untitled
|
idle wandering
past and through
these times of life
fainted by
past and through
the reality
of not knowing
cultivate inside this
paranoid phenomenon
only to realize
it's been true all along
crawling inside this unfamiliar reckoning
original sin is beckoning
calling me to
inciting me to cause harm
revising me to
hate and never trust again
past and through
this lesson i'm repeating
failed by
past and through
half hearted attempts
to heal this change
this isn't warranted
you become obsessed
with all you've hated
instead
fleeting from this subtle pain
reliving mistakes and playing your games
something is warning me
that all i see
is not reality
sitting on your highest horse
dwelling on everything you preach against
you want to hurt me
so you have hurt me
like you're hurting
you cannot end
something you did not begin
when you won't even end
something you have began
you can not end
you can not end
this is not the end
this is not the ending you where hoping for
current mood: shocked beyond thought
current music: tool - the grudge
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, July 30th, 2001
| |
12:27 am
|
-basic-
name: matt
nicknames: draegan, mister shit, ephrius
zodiac sign: aquarius
five words to describe personality: empathetic, reserved, nepenthe, chaotic, analytic
-favorites-
colors: black, silver and green
movies: man bites dog, shallow grave, pulp fiction, four rooms, bram stoker's dracula, fight club, lost highway, pep squad, the crow, boxing helena, seven, the usual suspects, sphere, clerks, mallrats, dogma, closure, natural born killers, the shining, reservoir dogs, full metal jacket, cecil b. demented, edward scissorhands, final fantasy: the spirits within
music artists: nine inch nails, tori amos, bjork, portishead, tool, prick, pink floyd, aphex twin, radiohead
foods: italian and japanese. good steak, sushi, greek food, small children.
drinks: dr. pepper, mackenson xxx, tea (green, earl gray, chamomile)
places: my room, my head, my dreams
things to do: graphic design, web site/internet, reading, writing, playing/writing music, laughing, singing, playing, breathing, sleeping, being opinionated
tv shows: six feet under, dexter's lab, powerpuff girls, the simpsons, malcolm in the middle, kids in the hall, law & order, judge judy, mr. show
songs: a lot
celebrities: john f. kennedy, tori amos, james dean, bill hicks, george carlin, michael moore, bill mahr, marilyn manson
books: poe, nietzsche, anne rice, king, clive barker
possessions: curious george lunch box, computer, grandfathers watch, miniature ceramic elephant
positions: on top
-secrets-
biggest fears: abandonment
what makes you cry: my grandfather
guilty pleasures: jerry springer, chocolate, sweet sweet heroin
turn ons: individuality, intelligence, playing hard to get, teasing
something "abnormal" about you: both of my second toes are broken and have been that way since birth
something you always wanted to do but never did: leave this country
-miscellaneous-
random things you love: surprises, anticipation, candy, toys
random things you hate: people, bad government, the media, society
wwjd: snicker
threesome?: someone always gets left out
collections?: nine inch nails cd's, license plates, speeding/parking tickets
last cd you listened to: tool - lateralus
last film you watched: the godfather
last thing you ate: garlic and sesame chicken
last thing you drank: tea
good quotes: "i don't understand it. the children are disappearing like rabbits.
but at least we have each other." -willy wonka
"what is this, some kind of funhouse?" "why, are you having fun?"-willy wonka
current mood: no sleep bad
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, July 27th, 2001
| |
1:33 am
|
just got back from a trip up to saint louis. it was a pretty awesome trip. got free tickets into six flags, got to ride an air conditioned shuttle to and from the hotel to six flags.
got to learn what stations were on what channel. that's always fun.
Thursday we woke up with about an hour to check out. ran around getting everything together and then went down to saint louis. looked for the arch for awhile. well once we "found" it, we actually had to find some way to drive there. drove around lost for about 20-30 minutes. finally found a suitable way to go once i accidentally turned on the highway to Memphis. oops.
hung around the arch for awhile. overheard an employee telling a group of her friends that she just fucked some guy in a hotel the other night. we all starting yelling about it.
"Hey, did you hear about the guy getting fucked in the hotel the other night?"
"What? Who again?"
"Some guy she fucked the other night."
"What are you guys talking about?"
"Somebody getting fucked in a hotel."
Even though I never really noticed if she was paying attention to us, (she was talking A LOT), once we got on those tiny ass fucking death bubbles to go up the arch, the fucking bitch comes over and asks if she can ride up. Great, now I can't take any pictures inside the death bubble.
So finally, after thinking we were going to plummet to our deaths for a few moments, we finally reach the top where all these people are standing, right outside our elevator, staring at us. We push past them, head up the stairs, and flock to the tiny windows for a look out. (Editor's humorous side comment: the security officer working at the top of the arch was named Jimmy Nutter...i shat you not.)
After talking a few dozen pictures that will never turn out, we decided to head back down the bubble elevators of death and leave.
current mood: happy, yet tired
current music: Nine Inch Nails - Head (Version) Flood Mix
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|
