| A Simple Question |
[11 Apr 2002|12:29pm] |
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From The Book of Questions by Gregory Stock, PH.D.--
Question 191:
Would you rather be happy yet slow-witted and unimaginative or unhappy yet bright and creative?For example, would you rather live the life of a brilliant yet tortured artist such as Vincent van Gogh, or that of a happy but carefree soul who is a bit simple minded?
And, please, tell me why you chose the answer you decided upon. It's a simple question, but the answers people have given me have been anything but.
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| Ch-Ch-Changes |
[09 Apr 2002|11:51pm] |
Sarah hasn't called me yet.
She's been back in town two nights now and no call.
Curious...
It doesn't bother me that much. It does bother my ego. I thought I had more of an affect on her than that. Oh well.
For the moment though I've been too busy with myself to worry about her. I've been swimming again and lifting the weights as well. My body is getting worked. Next up: working the mind. I need to start writing again. The dry spell must end.
This week has been interesting. Nothing has happened to make it so. It just is. I've adopted a new outlook on everything and I'm not even aware of what it is. I'm just in a good positive mood.
For once being in such a state hasn't raised my suspicions. Curious and curiouser--
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[07 Apr 2002|09:56pm] |
Which John Cusack Are You?
I had to know. Too many women I know want John Cusack for me to not want to see where I fit in...
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| An Interesting Night |
[07 Apr 2002|02:43am] |
Brandi and I have made our connection even deeper than it was before... we've a lot in common... but hold too much back out of fear... roommates becoming too close is not a smart thing.. it is a good thing though...
I heard her drunken confessions tonight in the bathroom with the fan going... her friend with benefits was upstairs in her bedroom waiting/hoping for those benefits... it's always interesting how often people rely on me for a shoulder... especially when they want to know what to do with their relationships....
I'm tired.. fuck it.. I'm off to bed...
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| I Miss New Year's... |
[05 Apr 2002|12:02am] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
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| [ |
music |
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Dream Theater: Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence |
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Who the Hell was that guy? I wish I knew where to find him here in Flagstaff...
He didn't have confidence, but he had something about him...
Was it because he was out among similarily minded friends? Was it because everyone was a stranger, himself included, that night?
What was it about him...?
Damn that girl knew how to kiss...
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| Daily Update |
[04 Apr 2002|11:03pm] |
I really don't have much to say tonight. Why change things from the previous nights, right?
I need to get out more... been staring at the screen.. searching my life and days for relevance to share... nothing yet... Latest Dream Theater is awesome, highly recommended... going out tomorrow night, alone if need be... I want to feel like I'm money all over again.... I miss new year's...
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| Fortune Cookie Thought |
[03 Apr 2002|08:07am] |
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To become, first be.
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| "Good Morning" |
[03 Apr 2002|07:55am] |
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I'm feeling good. Confident even. Now if I've a chance I won't blow it. Sarah will be leaving tomorrow night. The way she's been acting it's doubtful I'll be seeing her. It's doubtful I'll even be talking to her. Too bad I'll still be thinking about her.
I'll be going out Friday night though. I intend to look at all the beautiful babies that pass my way wherever they appear. If the opportunity is there, I intend to talk, get a phone number, and then plan my strike.
More than anything else I intend to have fun. I don't need Sarah for that. All I need is me. I've always felt myself divided between the man I am and the man I want to be. Right now I feel myself closer to the latter.
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| Writing Without a Full Deck |
[02 Apr 2002|11:39pm] |
Just got off the phone with Sarah.
What am I thinking?
I'm wasting my time with her. I'm enjoying the chase and will continue chasing. I just don't feel like it'll come to anything. So why bother? The chase is fun. The victory will be unexciting.
On to other things. Going out this weekend. My sense of self demands it. I need to go out and be predatory. I saw a girl at the store today. Wow. I wish I had known how to talk to her before she walked out. Next time I'll know how to flirt and not get the bosses angry with me.
I'm having fun right now being. I don't need to be with right now.
I need to feel my creativity again. I'm feeling so empty right now. I need a genuine night out. Maybe I'll hit Vegas alone just for the hell of it. Not that Vegas is an answer but it would get me away from here. I need change. I need to feel some life flowing through my veins again. Maybe I just need a good old-fashioned fuck.
I don't know what I need. I just know I don't need anyone but me.
That makes my peace of mind my responsibily and mine alone.
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| Random Ramblings |
[02 Apr 2002|12:06am] |
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I need to utilize this thing more often. To that end: at least one post a night. This could be good or it could be otherwise. Only one way to find out though. And that is to simply write.
Simply write.
Been a while since I've done this. I used to do it every weekend my first summer here in Flagstaff. The bar scene didn't interest me then, but getting out of the house did. I went out to the bars, usually Collins, grabbed a table, ordered a drink (or two or three...), pulled out notebook and pen and would write whatever came to mind at that moment. Some very interesting reading. I'd like to get back to that aspect of myself.
I want to be a writer again. The ideas just haven't been forming in my mind as of late. My creativity eludes me. I need my muse.
My muse. Not Sarah. There is a difference. Sarah is a friend. She's also a play-thing. Until I seduce her mind she'll continue to be a play-thing and little more. A friend of flirtations and teases is good, but the friendship lacks depth. I want emotion and though. Not just hormones and cheap pick-up lines.
Oddly enough this is the first time a woman has been such a part of my life without me feeling like she's the answer to my happiness. I can take her or leave heras far as the heart is concerned. Emotionally I won't get hurt by her. The ego is getting a bit thrashed though. I want to win this little game she seems to be playing. I don't want to give up the chase until I catch that little bunny.
Of course there are other little bunnies out there. I just need to learn how to bait them the way I've seen Craig do it. So while Sarah is out of town fucking the Chicagoan I'll be in town hitting the bars and doing what I can to make myself a part of the bar and date scene in town.
Sarah: I like her, but I don't need her.
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| Damn It! |
[31 Mar 2002|05:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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annoyed |
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music |
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Jimmy Eat World - Clarity |
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Here I am all ready for the chase of the intellect and she's sound asleep on the couch too sick and exhausted to do anything but mope for the fucking Chigagoan!
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| I'm Enjoying the Chase Far Too Much |
[31 Mar 2002|01:31pm] |
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Sarah and I are absolute nuts. It's that simple.
She's cheating on her boyfriend and has no problem denying it though she does feel the guilt.
I'm helping her cheat on her boyfriend and I haven't been feeling a bit of guilt.
Only surprise at my own lack of guilt.
This week has been very eye-/shirt-/bra-opening for her and I. More me than her though. I've realized I really like being with her. I just don't know her as much as I'd like. It's obvious I can stimulate her body and emotions.
Now it is time to stimulate her mind.
I've bought The Book of Questions to help stimulate some future conversation. I've purchased the eggs and the Easter egg dye so we can do something that's just good clean fun instead of the good naughty fun we've been having all this week.
Hell, I've even purchased the best CD by her favorite band as a means to understand her tastes.
It's amazing. Once I made up my mind to walk away from her emotionally we've became more physically intimate than ever before. If I'm to win this chase I need to focus on one aspect of our relationship at a time. If I'm to pursue her intellect I must turn away from her hot bod until she jumps into my lap.
That's not going to happen anytime soon though. She's flying out to visit the boyfriend in Chicago next weekend. I'm sure that visit will satisfy her lusts for a while. And that's why I need to chase her as intensely as possible. She and the boyfriend have only two things in common from what she has told me: good sex and similar musical tastes. That's not a fucking relationship! Oh wait, it is a fucking relationship, but that is all it is.
And what will happen when the chase is over?
When I've got the little bunny in my claws and am tearing it up with my fangs?
What happens then?
I have no idea honestly enough. I don't know what I want to happen. A relationship would be nice but will it be able to last without the sexual tension that exists now?
Questions to be answered another time--
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[22 Mar 2002|03:11am] |
I'm tired so I'll make this quick...
What's more important for two people to have a lasting bond:
Is it a question of what people like that brings them together?
or
Is it a question of what people are like that brings them together?
Thanks-
The Management
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| Change of AIM Address |
[20 Mar 2002|07:33pm] |
As of now my screen name is NotAPG13Guy
If you don't get it then rent the movie Swingers.
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| How to Kill Brain Cells Without Alcohol or Drugs |
[19 Mar 2002|04:06pm] |
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| Time to Walk Away |
[19 Mar 2002|02:27pm] |
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The girl is driving me nuts.
I can't have her as a lover because she thinks she's in love with the Chicago-guy.
I can't have her as a friend because, let's face it, I don't want to be her friend.
So, I'm left with little choice but to decide for her.
I need to walk away and let her have her so-called boyfriend.
In the meantime I have to hope she'll wake-up and realize that there is little between her and the boyfriend except for similar tastes in music and good sex.
And also, in the meantime, I'm going to hang out more with my roommates and friends and see what else this dive of a town has to offer me.
The simple truth is I like Sarah. I like her a lot. I also like mea lot. In fact I like me more than I like her I think.
I can't stand being around her anymore and not doing anything. I'm sick and tired of denying myself. When I'm with her I want to kiss her hold her and screw her (but in a more intimate way than just screwing).
There are better, more worthy, and less blinded women in town.
I'm sure of it.
Wish me luck.
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[02 Mar 2002|10:58pm] |
It's been a while since my last post. A lot has happened with me. With me and Sarah as well. I just haven't been posting because I'd hate to bore everyone with my life. Sure it's interesting, but rarely is it exciting.
That's going to change in a few short weeks.
I've realized something was missing for me. Before I thought that something was someone like Sarah. That's not the case. What's missing isn't a woman. It's friends. A guy needs his buds. There is Ben, but he has no balls. He chopped them off himself for his girlfriend/fiancee/glorified fuck-toy. I hear every now and then she'll let him hold the jar that she displays them in.
Sorry, that was me babbling again.
A guy needs guys. We've different support systems for the different aspects of our lives. And what I've been missing from mine is men to hang out with. Not men like Ben, but real men. Guys who have their own identity independent of their girlfriends.
I'm slowly building a guy network for myself here. I need guys who I can go out to the bars with. I need guys who know the same women I do so they'll know exactly why I'm bitching when I bitch. I need guys who'll be able to give me that extra boost of confidence when I see the girl in the tight red sweater without company. I need guys who'll be able to grab me by the shoulder when it turns out that girl in the tight fitting red sweater isn't alone. I just needs guys I can trust to be guys when I need a guy to be a friend.
Hopefully the exciting life will be lived soon...
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| Thus Far a Very Unusual Weekend... |
[16 Feb 2002|07:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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predatory |
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| [ |
music |
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Hard Rock Casino Club Mix |
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Sarah's conscience has been making her more and more emotionally distant. The Chicago boyfriend is in town for Valentine's Day (because of course he can only be romantic when Hallmark gives their permission) so I've been trying to distract and occupy myself because, let's face it, despite being DropDeadDamnSexyGorgeous, if I were to mope at home alone I'd just be pathetic.
In an effort to avoid patheticness I've been hanging out with the new roomie, Brandi, quite a bit. On Wednesday we just talked and talked and talked and gave each other back rubs and talked some more until we just ended up falling asleep in her bed. It was nice holding her as we slept. It made me feel more human than I usually am able to feel.
The real fun began on Thursday. We were supposed to go play skee-ball or go bowling or something like that. Instead when I got home I was asked the question, "Wanna go to Fetish Night?" How could I say no? Brandi was dressed in black vinyl from head to toe. I was just dressed in black except for a silver Ankh around my neck. Oh yeah...and I let Brandi put eye-liner and mascara on me. The lipstick I put on myself. It was fun. More so for her than I. She had the men looking at her of course. I don't think I had anyone looking my way. Not my usual crowd so no harm done to the ego there.
Friday was toned down but still surprising. I cooked Brandi a delicious Terriyaki chicken dinner. She loved it. So did I. Best that recipe has ever turned out for me. We watched Gross Pointe Blank as I did my magic in the kitchen. After Gross Pointe we decided to watch one of her tapes. She was impressed by how I handled her choice of visual entertainment. Apparently I am the only straight American guy to watch and enjoy the original Brit version of "Queer as Folk". Good show. It's like "Sex in the City", but with gay men instead of beautiful women. With that said, if you're a homophobe at all the show might not be for you...
And that leaves us with tonight. Brandi is off with a friend to hit the movies. Alyson is going to a birthday party for a friend of hers. Me? I'm thinking of hitting Maloney's, if I'm feeling brave San Felipe's.I'm feeling good about myself right now and about the night's possibilities...
So good and pumped up in fact that I almost forgot to mention the fact that Sarah AND the boyfriend decided to shop at work today and came through my line. That wasn't a problem. The problem was when they decided to kiss each other right in front of me... It's not so much the kiss that gets me, but the reason for the kiss.
She's trying to prove something. Whether it's to herself or to me I've no idea yet...
Fuck it--I'm off to have a blast tonight without her and without Brandi.
Tonight, it's all about me baybee!
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