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abbuu78's Journal
I got back from my vacation to Vegas yesterday, and I'm having a hard time making myself get up and move around. I have to go to work, and I don't want to. I have to go run errands, and I don't want to. I want to stay coccooned in my nice little "not at work" life right now and not have to face reality again. Sigh.
Vegas was great. Everything about it was great. The road trip with Kat and Eric was fun and wacky and wonderful. The weather there was so nice. (Not too hot, not too cold.) We had fun and ate $2.45 breakfasts and huge mountain of shrip buffets and lost money on craps and won money on slots. We drank yard tall margaritas and walked SO much and sang along to Jim Croce and Dave Matthews and had a stupendous adventure. After the lights of Vegas, the real world seems very dull indeed.
Before we went to Vegas, Eric and I had a few really good talks. Over the course of a few weeks, we just kept getting better and better. We were communicating and talking about the things that matter to us. That's whats been missing here, communication. We haven't really been on the same plane as far as what we want because we hadn't talked about it. We talked out a lot of our problems. I think we both feel much more solid in that our relationship is strong and that the basis of it is that we love each other and that's not going to change. There have been problems and distractions and issues of trust, but underneath it all, I've never met a man I could love like Eric and I never will. One night, after a really in depth talk about our lives, we finally came to the realization that what was stopping us from getting married was that neither of us thought the other wanted to. He thought the ring and the proposal where was was important to me. I thought he just didn't want to make that commitment to me. So we both realized we were wrong about the other person, and we decided what to do about it.
Eric and I looked at a few wedding chapels, and it looks like we're tying the knot at Ceasars Palace. Yup. I'M GETTING MARRIED IN VEGAS! August 14th of this year, exactly 7 1/2 years after we started dating. I was so excited about it, in fact, that the trip turned into a foray into the wedding chapels of Vegas to see where we would both like to get hitched, and Vegas isn't lacking for them. They do over 100,000 weddings a year, there. The thing I like about the idea of getting married there is that we can still have a fairly traditional wedding in the most untraditional place in the world. My bridesmaids and I can wear our dresses all night if we want. That's not an uncommon sight, some bride in her gown stopping to play slots while her groom stands patiently behind, staring at the craps tables. There is a lot of dancing and partying to do there. We are going to tell our families this Sunday. My mom already knows, but my dad doesn't and his family has no idea. My mom was cool with it, so we shall see how the brunch thing goes.
In other news, not much. This week will be dedicated to finding a new job and giving my notic and so forth. We will see how that goes. I will update again later this weekend after we tell our families. I will also be getting some of the pictures from Vegas that my best friend took on her digital camera and will be posting them in here. :)
So I've been thinking the last few days.. if a girl sleeps with a guy the first day she meets him, does that make her a slut? After days of pondering, I'm forced to answer "yes, and it also makes her annoying."
After months of having no job and mooching rent money from his folks, Matt had decided to move out of our apartment. He had this decided, yet chose not to tell us until we FORCED him to sit down and have a roommate talk. Then he said "well guys, it's up to you because I can't continue to live off my folks...." so he's moving home. He tells us this on Friday. So Eric and I are like "what the hell... now we have to come up with enough deposit money to move... thanks for the notice asshole." So we go tell the apartment complex and the little toady who sold us our apartment in the first place says something about a "transfer fee" and tells us to come back and talk to the boss on Monday. So it's as settled as we can make it for the weekend. I came down with Pneumonia last week, so after an ER visit and a doctor visit, I was on sick leave AGAIN. I mean, time off is nice, but not if you're coughing up a lung. I slept most of the day on Friday and then Saturday we have to go to the store and get sick stuff and take care of the rent stuff and I'm frigging wiped out.
So it's Sunday, we're running our errands and filling the prescription for Prednezone I got from the ER. We come home and I lay down on the couch, and Matt says that this girl he met on the internet is coming over. He doesn't ask (remember, I have pneumonia) he just tells us. So I get up and start cleaning. Eric decides we need to go out and get dinner because Matt and her are going to have the Pizza he made me buy for him at the store. I ask him if he has 4.50 on him to cover for the pizza. He says "No, that's why I had you buy it for me." So I'm paying to feed him AND this girl I've never met before.
Eric and I go to Taco Bell, and when we come back, they are sitting on our couch. She doesn't even talk to us. Matt introduces her (her name is Jenny) and she waves hi and goes right back to showing him her photo album.
At this point it would also do well to remember that Matt only owns what little is in his room. The entertainment center, dvd, bigscreen, both game systems, vcr and all the movies are mine and Eric's. So is the couch, all the chairs and tables, the dishes they are eating off of and the food they are eating.
So Eric and I decide we want to watch a movie. Again, without talking to us, they decide they are going to sit and watch the movie too. Matt makes it very clear on a regular basis that he is only hanging out with us because there is nothing else to do. He will be at home with us all day with his door closed, not talking, but come out to tell us to buy him more of his juice or tell us we're out of cereal. This attitude continues with Jenny here and extends to her. They are taking up the couch and commenting on the movie (Eric and I were watching "Goonies" on DVD) but not to us. The movie ends and Eric goes up to bed and they disappear into Matt's room. So we're like "Ok, she just met him and she's staying the night." Whatever, it's matt's life and we are hoping this will be short lived like the last one.
Except she was still there when I got up and went to work on Monday. So whatever, I had to work early, I didn't think she'd be gone, but I know she has a job (she works at Godiva) so I was thinking maybe she had to work. I come home from work Monday night and she's gone, but Matt is walking around like he's waiting for something. "What's up?" I ask him. He says nothing. Then like 10 minutes later, she's walking through the door, NOT EVEN KNOCKING. She's been here ever since. That was 24 hours ago. She spent last night too. They were LOUDLY doing SOMETHING until about 4 am. So i can't sleep. I finally go to sleep around 4.
THE BITCH FUCKING TURNS ON OFFSPRING THIS MORNING WHEN SHE WAKES UP AT FULL BLAST! What the hell is with her? Matt makes her breakfast (with MY food) and then they proceed to go in and out of the house all day long. She still barely speaks, she has an annoying laugh and SHE'S STILL FUCKING HERE!!!
We've had friends stay over for a couple of days before, but they are FRIENDS not some sluts we picked up on the internet. I am so frustrated and I want her out of my house RIGHT FUCKING NOW. Not tomorrow, not later tonight, NOW. I know she's here because she lives at home. I don't think she's over 19. Matt is 23. He took her home to get her a change of clothes and then they came BACK. If she is here again tomorrow night, I'm going to tell Matt that he is now living in survivor and she has been voted out. THen I'm going to tell him that if he wants to see her, they can go fuck at her house for a while.
This is the angriest I've been in a long time. i've just had it. I'm done with him. I don't want to see him again after he moves out.
Finally, the house to myself...
It's so nice to have a day off. I've been working 6 day work weeks since November, so now that Christmas is over I can go back to normal. I'm so sporadic in updating this thing it's ridiculous. There just gets to be a point where there is so much to say and just no time to say it.
I want to start of with my New Year's review. 2001 was probably the worst year I've had. I spent way too much time in Hospitals, first with mom, then mom, then me, then Eric's mom, then mom again. The year started off with Eric in the hospital. I was telling Eric yesterday that when I think of this year, the feeling that comes up is intense emotional pain. I moved out for three weeks in March as a result of the emotional meltdown we had in February. This year has undermined our relationship to the point that it is almost non-existant... we're strangers living in the same house. This year, I lost one of the two men I've ever really loved, and came close to losing the second, and that still remains to be seen. I bottomed out in my job, my friends, my family, and my life.... But, in the pain of the fire, iron is forged. I have discovered much about myself that I can be proud of. I have discovered the gift of kindness in myself to people I don't know and people who have wronged me as well as to those I care about. I have shared compassion for those who have broken me, bent me, beat me down to nothing. I have discovered forgiveness for those who cut me to the core. I have realized love in places where hate was breeding, gentleness from anger. I have trusted in my heart and gone against better judgement for the sake of the ones that I loved above all else. The first time it turned out and the second time it hit bottom, but I did all I could do and spoke my true inner heart. I couldn't have asked more than that. I have decided to stop whining and just do what I need to do to make myself happy. I am going to go back to school this year.. I'm looking for another job and I'm going to decide my living situation today.
Christmas was hectic. We did christmas with Eric's family the week before christmas so that we could do it with Julie and her Fiance, Tad. Yes, I said fiance. Eric's sister got engaged right after thanksgiving. Then with such long work weeks, I didn't get a chance to finish shopping until Christmas Eve. I worked the overnighter again for AE, and Matt, Eric and Kat did as well to help out. It went smoothly and we left at 8 am on the 24th. We came back to sleep and I managed about 1 1/2 hours before I had to get up, shower, finish shopping, and take Kat to Burien. Then I came home and got food and wrapped presents and all of that junk. I got to bed at about 2:30 Christmas morning, and we were up at 8 to head to Eric's mom's for breakfast. We were there until about 1, and we headed to my house. We didn't stay with my family as long as I would have liked, but that was only because my grandparents were there and my tolerance level was way low for lack of sleep. We left at about 8:30 and came home and crashed.
For christmas, my mom bought Eric and I tickets to this really funny show called "inspecting carol" at the REP in seattle. The tickets were for last Sunday. It was going to be date night. I took the day off work and everything... Eric decided about 3 pm that he didn't really feel like going and I was left scrambling to find someone to take the other ticket. I got ahold of Irina and she really wanted to go so I decided to take her with me. I had a good time with her... I was just pissed that Eric decided to ruin date night.
New Years turned out to be kind of a bust. Eric invited some friends from work that didn't show, and all my friends from Lynnwood were at Denise and Lauren's. I couldn't get Eric and Matt to go because they hate all my friends (except for Denise and Lauren, but they couldn't put up with everyone else long enough to make driving into Seattle worthwhile). I invited Irina and all the people from my store to come up and have new years with us, but everyone declined.
New Years this year was supposed to be going to see Left Hand Smoke in concert at a bar in Ballard, but Katherine cancelled on me and I didn't feel like going there without her. She basically just wanted to spend New Years with her new boyfriend, Max. She said a whole bunch of reasons, but I think that was the main one. Then, she didn't even call me. We've spent every New Years together since 96, so I was really bummed out. So that's when we decided to have the shindig. My friend Max (who I haven't seen in months since we moved away) called and asked what was up for new years since he spends New Years with us too. We invited him to come over for a couple of days, so he showed up Sunday night and went home Tuesday morning. It was nice having Max around. I miss seeing him on a regular basis. Anyway, I thought Irina was coming and a few other people too, so I declined going out with my new assistant, Denise. No one ends up showing up except Matt's ex girlfriend, and her best friend. Talk about uncomfortable. Matts ex (Lisa) still has feelings for him. Lisa's friend (Michelle) is a friendly drunk. Bad equation. Michelle ended up getting really drunk and hanging all over Matt. Lisa ended up getting hurt and taking off at like 3 am. I heard about this. I was passed out. I decided to start drinking like I was serious about it. I had 2 drinks with about 7 shots each in them, and then was doing Vanilla Twist poppers with Michelle. The last two of those that I did were a bad idea. I promptly threw up and passed out... all by 11:30. I didn't even get to ring in the new year.
Eric and I had a long talk last night... today when he gets home, we're going to talk about long term goals and what we are going to do about the living situation. Max commented when he was here that he could tell things aren't stellar, but always before he could see some bit of happiness in me, and this time that it's different because I seem like I've given up. He's right. I've given up on a lot of things. Eric is desperately trying to hold on to this, but he's floundering because he doesn't know what to do to fix it. I told him I don't know if there is anything he can do that will fix it. I was telling him about what Max said, and he was like "well, if Max is such a romeo, why isn't he in a relationhsip? Max isn't a relationship expert." I told him I know that, but Max IS an expert in me. Max loves me more and more truly than anyone I've ever met. If I could have fallen in love with Max, my life would be sweet. But, ya know. It's just not there for some people and he is SO one of them.
So, by the end of the day today, I should know where I'm going to be living come February. I am also going to take some sick leave from my job to get some health stuff taken care of and look for another job while I'm out. I am going to talk to my mom today about maybe paying my tuition so I can go back to school. I will post when I get it all straight in my head.
Current mood:
calm.Current music: Stabbing Westward - What do I have to do.
I took Atrox's advice from my last post and talked to Eric about our relationship. I told him "If you know you wouldn't come back to it, why are we still in this relationship?" I told him I thought we needed some time apart to work through our personal issues because we're getting to the point where we don't like each other that much anymore. I told him everything I was thinking. He listened patiently and then said "If you leave, it will show me what little commitment you have for this relationship and it will show me I would be right to leave you because you don't really want to be here. I repeat what I said before. If you leave, we will never get back together. If you love me, stay and try to fix it. If you don't want to stay and fix it, that will show me how little you actually care about this."
I don't know what to do. I love him and know that I want to be with him, but not like this. I'm miserable. I go every day to a job I hate and then come home to a relationship that beats me up emotionally and an aparment I'm paying so much to NOT live in. I hate my life. I am worried for my mom's health, my sister is stressing out about school and HER roommate, my best friend is far enough away I'm lucky to see her more than once every couple of months and she's leaving for Africa in 7 more. This relationship is supposed to be my support, my save haven, my shelter in the storm of life. This relationship is supposed to be where I turn for comfort. People are supposed to be toghether because they love each other and it makes them happy. Where in the hell does my life fit into this equation? I don't have a safe place. I don't have a haven where I'm not bombarded with "should have" "Would have" "why aren't you". I feel like I work as much at home as I do at work. I work over 60 hours a week, so when I'm home I don't know what to do other than read a book or go to sleep. That's it. Eat, read a little, sleep a lot, get up to go to work and do it over again. Isn't life supposed to mean something? Isn't the whole purpose of this effort to seek happiness? I am STUCK STUCK STUCK in every facet and I'm drowing in it and I don't know how much longer I can tread water....
Today I'm actually going to do something I want to do. I am going to go to Lynnwood and have lunch with a couple of friends. Then, I'm going to go to the Weezer concert at Key Arena tonight. I am taking Eric. I don't know why he wants to go, he doesn't even like them that much, but he said he wanted to go so I bought him a ticket. I'm going to pick him up from work in Bellevue and then we're going to grab dinner before the show.
I'm going to go get ready and showered and stuff. I will write more when I have time. Tomorrow it's back to the grind and my next day off is Thanksgiving.
Only have a few minutes to write as I am going to be running late for work. I got called into work by my DM on Wednesday to have "a talk" which consisted of him telling me that he doesn't want me to fail here but that I am. It boiled down to 2 1/2 hours of him telling me that it's because I haven't trained my staff. I asked him when I have had time to train them, and he said "you're telling me you can't spend 20 minutes a day training?" With my staff, the whole 20 minute a day thing just doesn't work. It's not feasible. They need intensive training sessions with one on ones to make anything work.I was also told that I'm not allowed to take Fridays off anymore. Never mind that the weeks I've taken Friday off have been 58 hour work weeks, or even 68 hour weeks, I'm not allowed to take Fridays off anymore. So, it's my day off and I'm (suprise) going to work. I am supposed to be there at 10. I'm going to call Kabayan and tell him I'm going to Target first.
I am going to quit in January, after I get my December bonus (because I know there will be a huge one) and go to some other job.
My mom got let out of the hospital on Tuesday evening, so she's been home since then. She will be okay, she's just going to be tired and worn out for weeks.
I have been waiting for Tony to email me back about our last conversation and the stuff I gave him to say goodbye. I haven't heard from him. I don't even know where he is, be it Ohio or out in the Persian Gulf somewhere. I am starting to dream about it at night. I just pray that he's safe and that he'll be able to make it home if he's not there already.
I guess that's about it. I need to get a move on. I will write more this weekeend when I have some time.
Jimmy Eat World. This song always makes me think of him..
Well, I haven't written in a while. Things are pretty much the same... kind of.
My mom is back in the Hospital, this time for Pneumonia. She's been in since Friday, and she is supposed to get out today, but last night she was having some serious breathing attacks so I don't think they're going to let her go home today. I actually hope they keep her another day. I know she hates being in there, but she always pushes herself to go home too fast and then she just takes longer to get well because she's thinking she can do whatever she wants while she's home.
I called my DM and took a few days off work while she's hospitalized. He said he would do what he could to get some extra help and coverage in my store while I'm gone. We will see. My assistants weren't very forthcoming with the help. My mom went into the hospital on Friday and I was able to take Saturday night off, but they both went out of town on Sunday so they couldn't be reached to come in to work, so I had to work a 13 hour day while no one was with my mom. I got done with work, drove home and looked for Eric. The TV was on and all the lights were on, but I didn't see his car and neither of the boys was at home. I looked for a note, there was none. I waited for about 45 minutes and they still didn't show up so I jotted a quick pissed off note and walked out the door... and ran into Eric. They went down to the pool and the sauna and had been there for hours. I told Eric I was mad because he told me he was going to the hospital with me and he knew I would be waiting for him. He brushed it aside and said "well, I'm here now so lets just go." So we went and sat with her for a few hours. Then I got yesterday off so I was there all day long.
I spent Friday with Kat in Bellingham. It was her 23rd birthday, and she was getting really excited because when we spend time together we always spend it here. It was nice to step into her world with her for a while. I got to go to this great Greek place to eat with her and all of her friends and housemates. I haven't really had the chance to have heart to hearts with her since the summer, so we stayed up really late talking. After her birthday dinner, we rode back to her house with her roommate Jenny, and when we got there, realized we wanted to go get a movie. We were both a little tipsy so we decided to walk down to the video store. This guy Max volunteered to go with us. Max is one of the guys that hangs around with the four girls that live at Kat's (Kat, Carly, Courtney and Jenny) and is Courtney's boyfriend's best friend. Courtney's boyfriend Dan is the coolest guy, and watching them together is so adorable because they are so in sync with each other. They have this comfort romance thing that is so sweet. YOu can tell they are totally at ease with each other and that they think almost like one person and they are so in love. I found myself getting jealous because I haven't had that in so long. Eric and I used to have that, but then we both changed and time changed with us.
Anyway, I got sidetracked. So Max volunteered to walk down to The Film Is Truth with us to get a movie. At dinner and walking down there, I was struck by how neat a guy he is. He's intelligent and adorable in a goofy kind of way. What is it with me and tall, dark eyed, goofy guys? Anyway, I also was struck by the attention he paid to Katherine. I think he REALLY digs her, which is cool. She sees it too, and when we talked about it later that night she says he is totally comfortable with him and that he's easy to be with. I asked her if she thinks about him that way and she said not until recently. So she's going to ask him to start doing stuff just the two of them without Courtney and Dan around and see what develops.
So we ended up renting some old episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and watching them in her living room with the roomies and Dan and Max.
Being up there was so odd... it made me feel free somehow. I feel so stuck in my life right now. I hate my job, I hate my apartment, I think Eric and I are dead. Both of us know that it's ending if not already over, but neither of us knows what to do. Kat said she felt like we were two doctors standing over a patient that we had given up trying so save but neither of us wants to call time of death.
I don't know what to do. I need a change but I'm afraid of changing. I need to either stand up and make Eric and I better or move on. I don't know how to let him go, and I'm afraid if I do that I will regret it and he won't take me back. He once told me if I leave, I had better be sure about it because if I leave it has to be for good. He said he would never take me back so I had better make damn sure what I want before I make a decision. What if we break up and I realize a few months down the road that he was "the one" for me and by then it's too late? Do I want to risk that? I told Kat that it meant 7 years of my life, and she said "Why waste another one if you're unhappy? That's flawed logic. Just because you've put 7 years in, you're going to put in another one or two to try to make it right?" She makes sense. She said I could always move to Bellingham. If she was going to stay there I would consider it, but she's leaving for the Peace Corps in 7 months and she'll be gone for two years. I don't know what she'll do when she comes back.
Well, that's not all I wanted to say but that's all I have time for. I need to get showered and get to the hospital. Dad is there right now but he needs someone to spell him. I will write more later when I have time.
I am sitting here trying to think of any excuse not to go to work today. I just don't want to be there. First off, since Eric's car died, I had to get up early to take him to his ride's house. That wasn't a big deal, he's done lots of stuff for me like that before, so I didn't mind. Then, on the way home, I'm stopped by IHOP and am smelling bacon and drooling. I can't afford to go to IHOP but Winco is right there so I run into winco and pick up bread, bacon, hashbrowns, etc. I get all the way to the front of the line before I rememeber that my debit card is in the jeans i was wearing last night. Score one for me. Yea. So i run home, get my debit card and get my stuff, come back, take the dog out and settle down to take care of the things I have to get done this morning.
First off, I call my store again. My assistant manager was supposed to be in at 6 am. She decides to come in at 8 instead, even though we had a conversation yesterday about her coming in later, but she said she would still come in on time because she was 3 1/2 hours late on Sunday. No one called me to tell me what was happening or ask me if it was okay. They said they didn't want to bug me on my weekend off. They are just used to doing whatever they want whenever they want because their old store manager was never there. I am getting really fed up with it. Whenever I confront them about it, I get a round of "I didn't realize" and "Oh, I'm sorry" but it continues to happen. I feel like my authority there is tentative at best.
So I finally get ahold of her at like 9 am. I don't know what she's been doing there since 8, but I know the line has been busy for a good 45 minutes. I ask her and she says she's been checking voicemail. Whateva.
I also had to set up premium pay for my auto insurance. Problem is, they need the payment today and I don't have the money, so here I go having to ask my mom if I can borrow 70 bucks from her today. I couldn't get her this morning. I will try back again later today.
Then I had to call and cancel the voice messaging service that Qwest set up without my authorization. They called to sell it to me and my roommate answers the phone. He's polite to a fault and doesn't want to hang up on this telemarketer. He tells her we're not interested and she keeps talking. He repeats again that we're not interested. She says she just wants to verify who she is talking to. She says "This is Stephanie?" and he (obviously male and not Stephanie) says "Yeah, sure" and a couple of days later we get a service plan change notification that says we have voice messaging. Dumbasses.
It just occured to me that I haven't written since we got into the new apartment. I like the apartment okay but I miss our old one. I miss my friends at work and I miss my old store. I miss feeling like the place was mine. I don't feel home here. I don't like my new job. I don't really mind having a roommate but I miss alone time with Eric. It's not like its so much different now because his best friend was always around there, too. I am just frustrated. Eric seems to be much happier, but every day I'm finding myself more and more wanting to just get the hell out of here. I don't even really like talking to him anymore, because he's not the same person when other people are around. We have ABSOLUTELY no intimacy here. Our relationship is flat and stale and just there. I don't mind that I've worked 70 hour work weeks for the last two weeks because I don't really want to be home. I came home late friday night from work really jazzed for a weekend off. I tried to tell them about my day at work and they (mainly Eric) kept intterupting me to do this thing they think is funny. THey make fun of the people I work with (even though they don't know any of them) by calling them fags or butthole pirates or whatever name seems to spring to mind quickly. They so obviously didn't care about anything I was saying or thinking. I expect that from Matt, I mean, he's Eric's best friend. He owes no loyalty to me, he doesn't have to care about what I say. Eric should, though. We've been together for six years, almost 7. I would like to think that somewhere in there is respect for me as a person and interest in my life.
Anyway, I was really exicted to have last weekend off because I thought it would mean spending some time with him. It turned out that it meant spending time sleeping on the couch and going down to Matt's boat so that we could do what we always do here, which entails sitting around and doing nothing while the boys talk about farts, cock, poop, and say the word "cunt" alot. That's pretty much it. The only difference between doing it here and on the boat is that I had to get up early on my day off to go there and it was cold.
Then Sunday night I am making cookies and I don't have any baking soda. Eric and I have just gotten back from going to drop off the movie we rented at the video store and I don't want to go out again. I can't send Eric out because his car is at the dealership getting fixed and he can't drive stick so he can't take my car. He and Matt volunteer to go, which was cool. I checked my email for the first time in almost a month while they were gone, and thanked them when they got back. Apparently, he didn't hear the "thank you" part, and then he starts ignoring me when I talk again (another one of his favorite pastimes) and when I am trying to say something to him, he walks into Matt's room and closes the door in my face. That is like the last straw. I accompany him where he went all day because I wanted to spend time with him. I could have gone to Silverdale and spent the day with Irina. I know she wants to see me. I could have gone home and spent some time with my mother. I decided to make the effort to spend the day with Eric instead because I want to show him he's important to me. So he pretty much pretends I'm not around all day, makes fun of me when I get a word in and then walks away from me and closes a door on me when I'm talking. That was it. I was pissed. I started stomping and when he asked me "what the hell is your problem" I answered "fuck yourself".
I didn't want to talk to him. I wasn't going to talk to him. He came and very solidly and placidly put himself in my face and wouldn't go away. After arguing with him for about 3 hours, I just gave up and started crying. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep on with the cycle of fight and make up. I needed his touch and his comfort so I just let it lie for the night. things will be okay for a few days until he forgets how he hurt me and starts up with all his random stupid guy shit again. He doesn't have any interest in hearing about my life or what is important to me anymore. He just wants to make up alternate lyrics to songs that talk about cocks and sluts and crap and bodily functions of all types. He and Matt may have some good conversations when I'm not here, but apparently, those deal with how much of a bitch I am and how they're both mad at me. I'm not supposed to talk to Matt about them because apparently if he wanted me to know he was angry, he would tell me himself. So, i get to live where I know neither one of the people I live with like me and come home to it when I'm not at work having to be the big bitch boss. I don't even really feel like I'm in a relationship anymore. I keep hoping that it will get better, hoping that we can be happy again. I woke up last week thinking of this time last year, we were settling into our apartment in Lynnwood. Some of the stuff Tony told me keeps ringing around in my brain. He lied about alot of stuff, and I know he's crazy so I don't put much stock in most of it. But some of the things he said are questions I have asked myself and I don't have answers. Like, we've been together 6 1/2 years and still no concrete plans to get married. He has expressed a desire to, but when I ask him when, or for a timeframe, or even a year, he says "when the corn is high and the moon is full" or "exactly 573 days, 13 hours, 26 minutes, and 15 seconds from now" or something like that to mock me. Tony asked me "What possible reason could he have to marry you? You help contribute to a fairly comfortable financial way of life, he can get sex when he wants it, you already are tied together with car loans and joint possesions and pets that you both own. Why would he need to marry you? You've made it possible for him to get access to the dairy without having to have cows at all." I don't think those were his exact words, but close enough to what I have thought myself on numerous occasions. His excuse is always money or a ring... and that we can't afford a wedding. My parents said they would pay for it, so that doesn't hold up. Tony also said once way back last February that it just doesn't seem like Eric is willing to put in the work responsible to keep me happy. I told him I didn't think that was true and he said "I can tell you that if you were mine, there is no way you would be chilling out here with some other guy. There wouldn't be a need." That floats through my head periodically. Not really in thinking about Tony or any other guy for that matter, just in thinking in terms of my relationship with Eric. Does he even realize how much he continually hurts me, or how much I want this relationship to work? Does he have any clue how close he is to losing me forever? I just am giving up hope that there is some sort of happiness in store for my life. i keep making these decisions that I think will be good for me and I have the most rotten judgment.
Take the promotion because it means more money and being my own boss and more time off to spend with Eric : Leads to, More money but not yet because we're catching up on bills, Eric is still stressed about financial shit, and by the way, only more time off if the store is organized and it is SO not.
Stay with Eric and work on the relationship instead of giving up and moving home : Leads to, staying in a relationship with a man who doesn't love me because I'm hoping one day he'll wake up and, what.... realize what a wonderful person I am? Not bloody likely. He told me the other night that I'm lucky he's here because I'm a difficult person to love. I know I am high maintenence, but it's the easy kind. Just smile at me when I come home, give me a kiss and a hug. Listen when you ask how my day was. Hold me at night. Care about my life. Treat me with kindness and respect. Excuse me if that's a tall order. Maybe I should lower my expectations a little bit to just someone who doesn't do me physical harm.
Move away from all my friends and the life I built so I can start afresh : Leads to, I'm lonely here and not doing much. My work is my life. My co-workers are my family. I don't know them very well, so I don't really have a life. I'm just kind of there.
I feel really disconnected and it's hard to care about anything. I am just bobbing along doing what I need to do to survive. Wake up every morning, eat, breathe, go to work, sleep.
Yes, I did, in fact, just get home from work. I left there at about 2:30 am, and drove up and down hwy 99 looking for any sort of fast food that is still open. All I found was Jack in the Box, because for some reason, no Taco Bell in Lynwood (although there are 4 of them in the immediate vicinity) stays open past 1 am.
So I got home and got online so that my friend Jeff could find me and I could find out what is going on with him and his ex. Drama, drama. He was really upset when we left work. He's such a nice kid, and kind of naive, and so nice that I think his ex really takes advantage of him. I feel almost protective of him, like I have to look out for him, since I've been where he is right now and it's not nice. But, I remember being there and thinking that no one else could ever understand what I was going through and that no one had ever felt just this way. Denise and I were talking about it over breakfast the other day at IHOP. Denise is an evil girl, and GOD help whoever pisses her off. She and I want to do bad things to Jeff's ex's car, or maybe start stalking her, but he was like "no, I love her and am trying to get back with her... that will hurt my chances." So we decided to stay put.... for now. Denise and Lauren are pretty protective of him too. I think it's just because he's so nice and quiet but the stuff that comes out of his mouth is just so quirky and hilarious. Everyone at work really likes him. Most people have some kind of friction with the people they work with, but every single person who works there, manager and sales associate alike have all said how much they love Jeff. All of us pretty much have the same opinion... he's way too nice for that bitch. She's done horrible things to him and he is so nice he doesn't even realize them.
Ok new topic.
My mom seems to be doing ok. I think her short term memory was affected a little, but of course she'll never admit that. She's trying to joke about it. The night I found out about it, I was out getting McDonald's for the boys that were doing the over nighter at work. I came home around 10:30 and there was a message from Mom on the machine saying "Honey, don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital. Here is the number and the room number. Call me when you get this." I went into instant bitch mode because I was so damn scared. I started screaming at Eric about why didn't he answer the phone when he heard that since he was home and screening the phone calls. He said he didn't hear it. When I called her, she kept asking me not to cry. I think she feels guilty for upsetting us all. I know she felt guilty that I took a day off work to come be with her in the Hospital on a week when she thinks I should just be worried about moving.
I am so scared that I am going to lose one of my parents to ill health. I found out about a month ago that my Grandpa has inoperable lung cancer and that he only has about 6 months to live, if he's lucky. My grandpa will never see my kids, never see me get married, never get to teach my children dutch or have Christmas Eve with them. That's hard enough to deal with. Now, my Dad's diabetes is getting worse because he's not controlling it and my mom has a heart murmer, anemia, and now a stroke. She works so hard and so much... I'm so afraid I'm going to lose her. I keep having dreams that she dies, and I wake up in cold sweats crying for her. I haven't slept more than 4 hours since Sunday. I wish I lived closer to her, or that I could tell her these things without making her feel guilty. She told me not to worry, that she plans to be around for a long time to bother me. I just don't want something to happen to her. My sister and I are way too young to lose our parents. I am crying now so I have to find something else to write about.
I am packing up my house tomorrow for the move. Kat is going to come tomorrow afternoon and we'll pack together. We ended up not going to Dave Matthews... well, check that. She went to Dave, I didn't. She originally told me the show was the Sunday show and that it was the 26th, so I asked for the 26th off. Every communication we had said the 26th. She sent me an email a couple of days before the concert saying when we were meeting, but it said Sat. I thought that was a typo. I tried calling her at her friend Carly's (where she was staying) and I couldn't get through to anyone, so I just figured that she got the date right and not the day because the date was the thing on the tickets. Well, the day was right but not the date. They went to the Saturday show on the 25TH and I got the 26TH of because that's the date she gave me. She called Saturday morning from the meeting place, wondering where I was. I told her I was in bed and she said that they were heading to Dave that day. I told her that she had told me SUNDAY and to have a nice time because there is no way I can call work at 11 am on a Saturday and say "Yeah, can someone work for me?" Then she thought I was moving on that MONDAY so she called and said she couldn't help me move either. I was really mad. I'm still a little pissed, but I'm sure I'll get over it. I'm so overemotional right now, with Mom being sick.
Tony responded again to an email and told me that his stomach hurt from laughing at me so hard, and that I'm delusional. He said I take things and twist them to mean what I want to. I told him that whatever he told himself to make him feel better was fine by me because I just don't care that much anymore, but that calling me delusional was the pot calling the kettle black. He twisted what I said to mean what he wanted it to mean so he could throw it back at me and it didn't make any sense. He says I'm incoherant yet nothing he says has even a grain of truth in it... It's really hard to love someone that you know is unstable. I know he is the worst thing for me. I know he has issues and makes himself feel better by ripping me to shreds. I know I'm too good for him, even to give him my friendship. But when I think of my friendship with him, I wonder how someone who is now this incredibly cruel could have cried for what he did to me. I wonder how he could have smiled at me all those times and sat with me in the sunshine on the water and laughed at all the same jokes. I wonder how he could have GOTTEN me so incredibly well, and now doesn't get me in the slightest. I don't know how he thinks or why he does what he does, and I have to give up. I didn't want it to come to this again. I didn't want to do the fighting on the internet thing with no closure. It's infuriating. I know that if he would just have the courage to see me face to face he would realize what an ass he's being and how much he's overreacting. But, I talked to Kat about it, and she (forcefully for once) told me "STOP. Stop talking to him, stop calling him, stop reading his poems on the web. IGNORE HIM. DON'T give him the satisfaction of knowing what he is doing. Asking him to do this again will eventually lead in renewed communication and the cycle will repeat. You don't like being where you are right now, and you will end up back there if you continue. Once again, STOP."
I know she is right. I am so retarded and hard headed, it's difficult for me to give up, especially on a friend. The stupid thing about this is that I KNOW he is lying and that he cares about me. I just don't understand what's withthe crazy. This wouldn't matter so much to him if it was like he said and he hated me. Only the people you really care about can generate so much anger. If he just was ambivilent about me, it wouldn't matter one way or the other. If he truly were apathetic about this whole thing, he would just see me and laugh in my face and be done with me. No matter what he says about this whole thing, I KNOW HIM. I understand him better than anyone, and I KNOW he's doing this because he's pissed off at life and I'm a good outlet and he's frustrated again. He is imbalanced. He is unstable. I KNOW he's not seeing me because he's afraid to. And I have come to a place where it no longer matters.
I had to sit down and do some hard thinking on what I want from my life and where my energy is going to lie. I'm not going to waste any more of my time on people who are going to take my heart and not give anything back. I'm not going to spend any more time on others who do not see what I have to give and who I am and love me for them. I am not going to wear my heart on my sleeve for every jerk and self obsessed asshole to come around and tear it off. I won't be a porch anymore, a stepping stone that others use to find the open door to self realization. I won't be a woman who sits around wondering why people take my time, energy, and affection and disappear fulfilled and leaving me empty.
So I let him go yesterday.
I was at the fountain at the Hospital yesterday, eating Subway with my sister. Its in the middle of this rose garden. There is a statue of a child in the middle, a girl holding a bird with a wing that was broken but is now healed. The bird looks like it is testing it's wings, and the girl looks sad to let go but joyful that the bird is about to have freedom again. She has her arms uplifted and slightly in front of her, as if she's about to give the bird a slight toss to encourage it to fly. I looked at that forever, and suddenly became aware of something cold in my hand. My sister was looking at me with wet eyes and pushing pennies into my hand. We stood there, making wishes at the fountain, throwing pennies in and crying. I wished for my mom. I wished for my family. I wished for Eric. I wished for my relationship, for a way to mend his soul and show him how very important he is and always has been to me.
Then for some reason the statue made me think of Tony. I thought of the bird with the broken wing and the line from Grosse Pointe Blank "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's broken." He is broken. He is so broken and I can't fix him. I love him, but he doesn't return the sentiment like adults do in friendships, so I need to let him go. By continuing to try, even though I KNOW my intentions, Eric won't. He will see this whole episode as another reason not to trust, as a renewed episode in the epic of what he considers to be cheating. I know I haven't done anything untrustworthy, I haven't lied or betrayed him, but he won't see that. He will eventually know that for a short time, my communication with Tony was renewed and he will have a brain meltdown.
So, I stood there with the sun on my face and the sound of the fountain in my ears and my mother across the street in a hospital bed, and I wished him peace and well being and threw my penny. My mother being sick has shown me my priorites are skewed. I spent so much time on someone who never planned on keeping my heart, and no effort on the man who captured it, or the family who nurtured it, or the mother who guards it, or the sister who lives in it. I have spent no effort on the friends who gladden it or the lover and soulmate I have trusted to keep it safe. I have disregarded the most solid and life altering individual I could ever come across, and he is two rooms away, sleeping peacefully. No more. My penny was thrown and peace was made and I am stronger now and rededicated.
Ok. I'm talked out. Eric will be getting up soon, so I have to go. I will write more later this am.
hasta
i came home from work yesterday to find out my mother suffered a stroke. She is in the hospital in Tacoma... I am packing up to head out there right now. I had to call Mary and take another personal day. I swear my employees must think my life is pure chaos. It seems like it, with my sickness and surgery, and then Eric's mom being hospitialized and diagnosed with Diabetes, my dad's diabetes and now my mother had a stroke. With this and moving this week, that pretty much kills taking a vacation before January because I won't have much paid time off left. If I still take a personal day to move on Wednesday, I will only have 32 hours of paid time off left for the year, and that has to include sick days. Ugh. We shall see. Maybe I'll go into work on Wedensday for Megan, or go in on Friday for her. We'll take a look. Oh well. I have to get moving to the hospital.
hasta
I just got word that the check went well and that we got the place! Yea! I called Matt first thing after I sent an email to Eric to tell him. I am so excited!
Not much else going on. Denise came over this morning because I was going to make breakfast, but neither of us wanted to cook and she was pissed at Lauren for not coming, so she said if I would drive to IHOP she would pay. So we went and had IHOP for breakfast. Then I came back and called my mom. My parents are on their way over to take me to the Mariners game today. Too bad the weather sucks so the roof will be closed. Oh well. At least it's still my day off. :)
I need to get moving, I still have things to do.
Hasta