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Thursday, March 7th, 2002
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10:42 pm
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8:04 pm
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7:13 pm
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drip........... splash...........
drip........... splash...........
drip........... splash...........
nice steady even rhythem... liquid falling onto paper...
life flowing forth... drip... splash...
pretty colour...
fuzzy world now...
current mood:  rejected
current music: Million miles away
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| Wednesday, March 6th, 2002
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7:58 pm
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It starts with one thing, you don't know why it doesn't even matter how hard you try.....
do you believe in magic? is it real? is it there? can you see it, touch it, use it?
its everywhere in the air, in the sky, in every living thing, people, animals... everywhere...
beautiful, the thing of life.... reach out and touch it... but can you?can you touch it? feel it? use it?
silky threads everywhere flowing accross the land knots of power where they meet.
ghosts? spirits? creatures that noone sees... almost anyway...
its there too... sitting, standing, floating... listening... always there... relax, go to bed, almost asleep... can feel the hand lay on my shoulder, can here the whispered words... nice.. conforting... constant...
Are you there? cause I can see it sometimes.... the other world? the one on top of this... layer upon layer of things turning spinning... endlessly changing.
you stand there watching? but why. for someone who doesn't want to talk to me, say anything why do this? its interesting certainly... but never say anything...
inside of heads... red, black landscape. lighting clouds... flashing... darkness, never ending darkness... everywhere around you... why the dark? why you no happy anymore? let the light back in... helps to see the stars.
Mother of the moon... gazing over the world. rock in the sky... but more or less? mother standing there listening, understanding. never leaves me. why is it you cry? sparkling tears falling down to the ground... crystal words. shattered...
dreams shattered... the power in the words, the world changing ever more....
staring down into the blackness down below. shall i just let it comsume everything or should i fight some more?
everything you say to me... takes me one step closer to the edge, and i'm about to break.
sparkles, shining... the mind is a funny thing is it not?
Lighting flash, deep blue sky.. red rocks, sharp pointed, blood covering the ground... so angry, why is it like this in here anymore... you have got what you wanted....... something is wrong though now... wish i was there. hold you in my arms..... see you, hug you... but no more... you don't want that do you? but whats wrong?
my last night here for you, same old songs just once more.... my last night here with you, maybe yes, maybe no...
let me help for once....... not just lock it up again, cause this is not right now is it... can you see it coming too?
fluffy, bouncy, happy, yay... clouds in an endless blue sky, balloons, and the sea.
the beach. white christals of sand... crunching underfoot. the waves lapping gently at the shore... the see, stretching as far as you can see... an impossible dark blackness... stonwe thrown in, ripples spread... but it is gone... staring down into the darkness
further and further
dragging you down into the depths
NO!!
i won't let it... never again... seen that side, and it does not do any good...
Oceans apart, day after day, and i slowly go insane...
who am I
you can't define me
cage of bone
you can't confine me
if you dare to
try and find me
look in the eyes of the night
father, mother
you can't hold me
did you think
that you controlled me
whats out there
you never told me
look in the eyes of the night
ten thousand years
i've been alone
the tick of the clock
in a cage of bone
i thought it was locked
i never knew
i could step of me ,of me and you
stop the clock
and step right through
no one can follow
no one to blame
out of body
face and name
white bones picked by carrion crows
whit owl flying
swirling snow
free as the cold wind
free to go
stars and ice,
my soul in flight
ride the wind
and moon tonight
you can't hear or touch or see
capture, judge, imprison me
one lasr jump and i'll fly free
you can't touch me
you can't reach me
whispers soft
as snow beseech me
fingers cold
as frostbite teach me
look in the eyes of the night
current mood:  peaceful
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| Tuesday, March 5th, 2002
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9:22 am
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When you can't even trust your own mind? what do you do?
I can remember things... so clearly... colours, places, people, things... i can't talk about it unless pushed. and so i was... I said what I remembered. and now I am being told that none of it happened?
wtf?
how the hell am I going to trust anything again.
I trusted you. i told you everything, i could talk to you... and you just dropped me the minute i wasn't convenient. and now? you even lie to me about my own memories? how can i trust you again? how can i trust anyone?
I was told that he would always be there to talk to... but that wasn;t true... now the things that we have talked about? the things i worried about?
who can i trust?
friends? when the closest friend I ever had has just stabbed me in the back
boyfriends? hah. no.
myself? but what if i am just remembering things that didn't happen?
BUT I'M NOT
I can remember this. and no one is going to take that away from me.
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(1 comment |comment on this)
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| Saturday, March 2nd, 2002
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11:51 am
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its true... the second he got what he wanted.,..
he left me
all this time i have been telling myself its just me being paranoid and it wasn't was it?
the second he had what he wanted he wasn't interested any more...
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| Monday, February 25th, 2002
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7:47 pm
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who would i have chosen over the two of them?
hmmm.... interetsing question really....
All I needed from Jim was to be told that he loved me and I would have stayed with him forever. no matter what.
Ben? I would have dropped evrything for him if he had asked me... and he knew that...
so just one little descion to make... and one for both of them...
and everyone chose.....
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(16 comments |comment on this)
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11:07 am - Doctors Again...
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Oh joy... I now have another doctors appointemtn booked in for tomorrow...
god I really am beginning to hate them, but if they want me to carry on taking the pills, i suppose i should get some more really.......
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| Sunday, February 24th, 2002
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8:33 pm
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Well back after the weekend now. and i actually enjoyed myself for once. Sitting with Tom just relaxing... makes a change.
I do feel bad, cause Oli and Ross were both not very happy over the weekend... and I just couldn't deal with it. i left them to it. and that made them both unhappy. sorry guys... I really am... I don't know what to do right now though all the time. I have enough crap of my own to deal with... when i have sorted out my head maybe i can help you...
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(1 comment |comment on this)
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| Saturday, February 23rd, 2002
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12:24 pm
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i'm sorry. i was week. i know i said i wouldn't do it anymore. i know we had that agreement thingy... youw ouldn't do anything if i didn't. but i can't stick to it...
the scars will go away eventually...
but i just need to talk to you now...
i'm sorry.
i don't know why it happens... wait yes i do. was trying to explain it.
i just want my friends back.
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(3 comments |comment on this)
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| Friday, February 22nd, 2002
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10:20 am - Part 2...
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| Thursday, February 21st, 2002
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7:55 pm
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7:15 pm
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Well in this house at the moment after just opening the cupboard and picking up the first few boxes that were there I managed to count....
85 x Paracetemol
28 x Ibuprofen
77 x Co-codromol
180 x Co-Proximol
176 x Asprin
Hmmm... impressive... and thats not even half of it...
isn't it useful sometimes living with people that have lots of nice little painkillers....
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| Tuesday, February 19th, 2002
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11:25 am - Oooo.....
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I Am A: Chaotic Good Elf Mage Cleric
Alignment:
Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.
Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.
Primary Class:
Mages harness the magical energies for their own use. Spells, spell books, and long hours in the library are their loves. While often not physically strong, their mental talents can make up for this.
Secondary Class:
Clerics are the voices of their God/desses on Earth. They perform the work of their deity, but this doesn't mean that they preach to a congregation all their lives. If their deity needs something done, they will do it, and can call upon that deity's power to accomplish their goals.
Find out What D&D; Character Are You?, courtesy of NeppyMan!
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(1 comment |comment on this)
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11:19 am
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stiring things. round and round. its all i am good for. i ask a question. but it it wrong. i told the truth. but that was wrong.
he loves her now, told me himself.
am i in the wrong for being upset?
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(2 comments |comment on this)
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| Monday, February 18th, 2002
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3:42 pm - Poetry
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A cry for help gone unheard
A scream unanswered
Thoughts rush to her head
Razor, blood, it's all returning
Her long lost obsession now back
A plea gone
A stone cold fake person returned
3 am
I'm still awake wondering
Wondering if you love me
Wondering if you care
I look at the clock
3 am
I lay alone thinking
Thinking could you still want me
Would you still want to be with me if you knew me
It's 3 am and are you there?
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2:28 pm
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i don't know what I am supposed to think/ What i am supposed to do.
everytime I try and say anything, do anything all I get is told that I am being selfish.
Thanks but I don't need those kind of messages.
I couldn't handle it on Saturday...
I left after only a little while... spent most of the time there going between wanting to hurt someone and crying... left in the end. couldn't handle it... I can't keep on doing this to myself... I almost collapsed outside afterwards... I can't go back. ever. but I have too... tomorrow... I can't do this... it just hurt so much to see that...
i am supposed to be a good friend am i? why can't i believe you anymore? he wants her. he admits now that he wants her. just the feeling like someone has twisted up my insides... it hurts so much. I do want him... i love him. I will say this everytime. i always have and I always will.
I ran half way accross the country to someone who i thought... ony thought i had fallen in love with. to find when i go tthere all i wanted was James... i called him... but it wasn't enough and cut the trip short and went running back up to him...
I was so happy a few months ago... just being there made me happy... haveing someone who would want me around. love me, hug me and make me feel special... thats all I wanted. I was so happy...
the thing with Ben was just teh same though. he showed me some attention... made me feel special for a bit... i just wanted SOMEONE who would give me a hug. and james wouldn't. in his words he couldn't... and ben was there.... i just needed someone...
but i don't have that anymore...
within 3 hours of each other they both chose someone else...
and i am supposed to go back to that town again? I proved on saturday that i couldn't handle it... I still can't
i don't know what i am suppsoed to do anymore. James would have me move in with Becca... make life easier for her, and mean that her dad would let her move out... WHY can't he see that I can't do it? I just can't.
I just need a hug...
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(4 comments |comment on this)
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| Friday, February 15th, 2002
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8:44 pm - Why do I keep on finding these Lyrics?
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After a while you'll forget everything
It was a brief interlude
And a midsummer night's fling
And you'll see that it's time to move on
I won't do that
I won't do that
I know the territory-I've been around
It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down
Sooner or later you'll be screwing around
I won't do that
I won't do that
Anything for love
I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love
But I won't do that
No I won't do that
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(4 comments |comment on this)
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2:28 pm
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i hate valentines day...
always have
so why did i find myself waiting all day to see if anyone would send me a valentines message, or if someone had sent flowers or ANYTHING?
after everything people have said... all the people that are supposed to love me...
and I find that everyone wants someone else
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(4 comments |comment on this)
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2:23 pm
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i don't have any claim to jim anymore
we split up
but how can it hurt so much when i read about him sending valentines messages to becca
i'm sitting here crying again, for a completely stupid reason.
we broke up
he can do whatever he likes with her now...
one week later he is sending valentines to her though and going out with her in the evening.
it just feels like someone ripped all my insides out
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