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bable from no one important [22 Mar 2002|03:06pm] [ mood | apathetic ] [ music | Glycerine~ Bush ] Alright, though I am young... I've looked back on my life just to realize how much of a very sad and scared little girl I have been. Right now I am working on a few different mods... and yet the empty feeling contuines... stronger than ever. I'm still a very sad scared girl... just I've changed a little. People taught me all my life to follow my heart... fight for it and never give up... but what do you do when it's not your heart anymore? when you come to learn that you feel... misplaced... This year has done a lot for me... I've met new people, seen different things, and most importantly... self expression is a form of freedom that you retain even while you sleep. Sooner or later I know I'll have to do what I've been dreading to do, get back in that bed... or even shut my eyes. I hate going to sleep because I hate the dreams I get... they all usually end up in pain of some sort... even if it's not to me. Ask Kathy... she knows what my dreams have been like. Oddly enough there is still that damned person that I just can't quite put my finger on who it is. They have been in every single one of my dreams, I can't discrbe what they look like because they take everyone's form. More importantly then just my dreams... I hate sleeping alone. Got another appointment for my therapist tuesday... around 3ish... *sigh* *dissapates* post comment

Kathy Loves me [15 Mar 2002|06:59pm] [ mood | sick ] [ music | weird porno/techno music ] Marie loves me I'm sick... *sniffle* I am Chewy on the Star Wars test... how? I was an owl on the animal test no matter... I can destroy things... *sneez* *sniffle* *cough* *pouts* *whimper* *cough* I've gotta take a psych test... *pouts* damn it... *sneezes and then her head explodes* post comment

[12 Mar 2002|04:32pm] [ mood | enthralled ] [ music | Happy Phantom~ Tori Amos ] 5 things I wish for Understanding Having all my friends have no worries Peace among my friends To be the best massuse Answers 5 things I never want Drama My friends in pain never to hit the 3 ball in to be co-dependent for me or my friends to have nightmares 5 things I always say oooh look at me I'm.... If you don't jump in head first don't do it at all Dooode! *squirley noise* well damn 5 things I never say Like yeah! I'll do whatever you tell me to well people won't like me if I... I hate rain Oh my god my hair! 5 things I look at for friends intellegence kindness playfulness how laid back they are independence <5> 5 reasons why I don't like a lot of people lack of intellegence bitchyness controlling behavior narrow mindedness because they are clowns/mimes or anythings else that would bother me 5 of my favorite items rubber duckies safety pins moogles books finger paint 5 of my least favorite items glitter the 3 ball christmas trees in march... *is looking at one right now* birds needles just wondering if anyone would read this... heh... prolly not but ya know.... that doesn't mean I can't write a meaningful post down here at the bottom I want a raptor and I will name him fluffy... ok... so no meaningful post today... just feeling better than I was last night... *rides off into the sunset with her knight in shining white armor and her hair dragging into the dirt cause it's too long... and she's naked too...* 3 comments|post comment

voices of reason [11 Mar 2002|02:47pm] [ mood | nostalgic ] [ music | I've been wading in the velvet sea~ Phish ] I'm sore but enough about me... Happy Birthday John... hope it's a good one... I feel sickish... and a little groggy... Never be afraid of anything but yourself... it's the only thing worth fearing... most Dad's are bitches and will never understand you or respect you in any way shape or form. don't get drunk to fix your problems... it doesn't work out if somethings too good to be true it usually is... and if your doing really well and you feel your on top.. don't worry you'll always do something to fuck it up don't shark yourself it only confuses you nothing is more than it seems and it usually doesn't even mean what you think it means you'll always wake up half surpised parts of your hair is red and then you'll remember you dyed it don't ever call a girl Timy Nixon... it will lead her to do extreem things to not be like him the 3 ball is fucking evil... and I have personal problems with it... no matter how you feel about someone they will never know it and if they do they'll blow you off and make you feel like total shit... then you'll forget about it and go back to being groggy girl in the morning (still feeling that way) the people you want hugs from never really ever give you hugs... and the people you don't want hugs from ever usually are the people that wont leave you alone... All dreams are either fucking weird or really fucking bad... the people you wouldn't even think of writing a good poem will surprise you... and be the most soulful person there is nothing like looking into someones eyes and seeing pain and last but not least... after spending the weekend with people like John and such... you wont feel like going home... *yawns* *rifts out* post comment

Birds and small black children that I birthed asexualy [08 Mar 2002|05:10pm] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | Dicks are for my friends~MSI ] I'm a hazard to my health... *giggles* Bombs away! *jumps into a sea of creamed corn* 1 comment|post comment

Can I be your sex poodle? [07 Mar 2002|10:53pm] [ mood | jubilant ] [ music | Silent all these years ~Tori Amos ] Alright... so I'm a girl... that doesn't mean I look sexy while getting cheese chilly fries all over myself. Ok so I've been PMSing... *sigh* I wrote my first poem off of medication... it sounds amazingly like Eller's stuff... so I'm not writing anymore... not saying he's a bad writer cause in fact he kicks much ass... but... I don't know... *is aggitated* I miss Kachina... heard she's been doing well... but I wanna talk to her. I'm an angry little girl If I put on a chicken costume would it make you laugh? if I put on a chicken costume would it turn you on? you dirty chicken fucker I feel like dancing... until my heart stops... wich will be soon if I keep up with the pain killers like I have, but I have to take one hourly now... or I'll get this headache that would make most people cry... just makes me bitchy. I am very sleep deped right now... 24 hours without sleep and still going strong... Something I learned last night in my sweep depped thoughts "Through out your life you will have friends that will come and go... but only a few will truely change you for the better; Every single day you will have a passing attraction, but there is that one romance that touches you on such a different level you couldn't even beguin to think you'd have something else like that... andyou hang on. For all the shitty things that happen in your life there are those few smallest accurances that make up for it, like that last smoke of the day, that one little kid smiling at you, that one sunset that has just the right colors, the penny you find on the side of the road heads up, or even that one stupid little joke or event that wouldn't normally make you laugh but keeps you chuckling all day. So I figure with every thing you do enjoy it, and do it with a passion... because in the end passion is the only thing you got... if you don't do everything you do with passion... why are you doing it? or why are you even living?" *insert from the hormonal crazed sleep depped teenager with nothing else to do at night except think* "Will I still be waiting for someone else to understand? after all these years I'm stripped of my beauty in the orange clouds raining in my head..." ~Tori Amos ~how I feel at the moment~ "The best and the most beautiful things in the world can not been seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart..." Hellen Keller "You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her..." Aonn. *grins like the cheshire cat she is* *insane giggle* "as you can tell... I'm not all there either" *fades out* post comment

;p [03 Mar 2002|03:22pm] [ mood | energetic ] [ music | How many people wanna kick some ass??? ] I like squirt bottles hehehehe.... I often make an ass of myself when I'm sleep deped What's so amazing about really deep thoughts? god... I feel bad about that... hehe Beak is apparently female!!!!!! and apparently he'sa stalker heh... *collapses into laughter* *implodes* post comment

*sighs* [03 Mar 2002|03:48am] [ mood | embarrassed ] [ music | and a little head achish ] Victims are tied into you and stretched inch by agonizing inch, until they are either rent limb from limb or they confess. Or hey, maybe both. Not as bad as some people, someone tells you what you want to hear you'll feel better. What torture would you be? Hey, pat yourself on the back, you're well-balanced....you bloody overacheiver. You think you're just so perfect, don't you--don't you?! Cocky bastard! Um....yeah. Okay, so you're neither high-maintenance nor low-maintenance, but somewhere in between. Basically that means you bitch about the important things and let the little things slide. Go you. Perfectionist whore. Take the "Are you High-Maintenance?" quiz by Rez/Sanagi no Yume I am 69% evil. I'm getting there. I haven't done all the damage I could do but I've done quite a bit. I'm just over the border into the Evil Zone. Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com Which Angelina Are You? I just made an ass of myself.... *falls down* post comment

*glares* [01 Mar 2002|05:27pm] [ mood | apathetic ] [ music | Shoots and Ladders ~Korn ] liesblahbutyoursoskinnyblahblahblahblahliesblahblahblahblahohyoursoprettyblahblahblahblahblahblahliesblahblahblahwhyblahblahblahdontworryaboutitblahblahblahblahliesliesliesallliesdieblahblahblahyaddayaddayaddablahblahitshouldntmatterblahblahyaddayaddayackitysmackityblahblahblahliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesblahbalhablahiwishilookedlikeyoublahblahblahblahblaheveryonelikesyoublahblahblahblahyaddayaddaliesliesliesallliesdie! *dissapates* 1 comment|post comment

corsets [24 Feb 2002|05:07pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | Dissolved Girl ~Massive attack ] Take the What Johnny the Homicidal Maniac character are you? quiz! *sigh* I don't really know anymore... I don't really know what to think of myself... or anyone else for that matter... *shakes head* I just don't understand... *falls into the rabbit hole towards wonderland* 2 comments|post comment

wonderland [23 Feb 2002|06:00pm] [ mood | lethargic ] [ music | the loudest sound... silence ] *sigh* I'm kinda tired today... I have been doing nothing but sleeping so far this weekend... you know.. I shouldn't be tired... I wanna be in wonderland "If I'm so wonderful then why am I so misunderstood? everybody has a reason for it except me..." *misses her other friends* *needs those friends back* *feels alone* *is alone* *hates quiet* *yawns* *sigh* *falls asleep in David's computer... cause she's a gimp and she can't spell* post comment

Failure will not do *scowers*... but um... your kinda cute... wanna go BORK! [23 Feb 2002|05:35pm] [ mood | testy ] [ music | Kill the rock ~MSI ] What kith are you? Find out here. I love satyrs... always have.... but....unlike Rocco I will not tuck my shirt into my ass... ;p then again... he's not a true satyr Yuoo ere-a zee Svedeesh Cheff! Yuoo ere-a a guud cuuk, thuoogh yuoo cun't speek Ingleesh fery vell. Bork Bork Bork! Take the What Muppet Are You? Quiz! murrph? what the fuck?! BORK!!! Which Chess Piece Are You? riiight.... um..... *raises eyebrow* am I a crule person? .... hrrrmmm.... *props feet upon table* *cheshire cat grin* *fades out* post comment

I don't know why but I feel a little angry [20 Feb 2002|09:52pm] [ mood | apathetic ] [ music | Mudshovel ~Staind ] Which tarot card are you? MUHAHAHAHAHA! wait... that means I'm all fertile like... *shudders* ewwww little kids... *is all grossed out* they are the plauge of this earth so I was sitting there and I realized... most of the people I talk to at school... (with the exception of a chosen few) are stupid little dinks... twits even... they are lame... I shouldn't talk to people like that... *furrows brow* infact... I think... *knows this is going to sound cocky as hell but doesn't really care cause it's her journal and if people don't like it well... they can chew on their own rectum* not many of the guys at my school are even worth my time... or the breath it takes me to say excuse me... but I don't like you... *scoffs* *rolls eyes* stupid fuckers... *melts* post comment

nuts anyone? [19 Feb 2002|06:00pm] [ mood | silly ] [ music | Bewitched theme song... and the chittering of squirrles ] Which Star-Crossed Marvel Lover Are You? Take the Which Breakfast Food Are You? Quiz. I hate pop tarts Your Results: You were female in your last earthly incarnation. You were born somewhere around the territory of what is now know as modern South Japan, approximately in the year 1200. Your profession was: trainer, holder of the fine animals, birds, insects. A brief psychological profile of you in that past life: Person with huge energy, good in planning and supervising. If you were just garbage-man, you were chief garbage-man. A lesson that your last past life wishes you to learn in your present life is: You are bound to learn to understand other people and to meet all life difficulties with joyful heart. You should help others, bringing them spirit of joy. So I tried to watch the sun set (with Kellee) this evening... I couldn't help but burst into giggles when about 8 squirrles attacked her back yard... I tried to tell everyone! THE SQUIRRLES ARE TAKING OVER THE EARTH!!! they have this plan... *looks around paranoidly* can't talk about this here... they might be watching... *wide eyed deer caught in head-lights look* *dodge* 1 comment|post comment

Things that I learned this weekend [18 Feb 2002|08:41pm] [ mood | Cocky ] [ music | Stays up all night ~MSI ] David was my hero this weekend... he kicked much ass... Beak gives a good back massage James gives a good back massage Jyn gives a better one Liches can bring it Vampires all have stupid names Wine is wonderful Blue shetland ponies named Chris can drink 13 long island ice teas I am a badass Poping your shoulder and knees out of joint is bad I look good in black and red Traps are happy Playing red caps is fun Most monkey testies are blue and orange Mindless Self Indulgance makes candle makers dance a crazed baboon dance Mickey is wonderful John/Tumbles is a bad ass Justin/Edwin is really warm and comfy and I am still a bad ass *struts (like a cocky bad ass) away* 1 comment|post comment

Bitter sweet [18 Feb 2002|08:32pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Time of your life ~Green Day ] Looking around today I realized something... I've grown bitter and cynical. *shakes head* it hit me when I rolled my eyes at something sweet when I would have usually went "awwww". I don't like this change in me... I don't really like being the pesimist of the group... I just want it back to the way I was... comfortably rose colored. I just want things to be simple... so I don't over analyze everything, to where I don't get pissed off as easily, when I didn't have a care in the world... except the people closest to me. Reality smacks me in the face too much... I don't get to be the kid that I want to be... I guess I was never cut out for it. It's starting to hurt me... and tarnish my spirit. I use to have so many hopes and dreams... to only find out today... that I really don't have any anymore. My life is passing me by too fast... and I'm so scared to grab on and enjoy the ride, I'm scared I'm gonna get hurt again. I've had that happen too many times before, only to see my life crashing down before me. I have no confidence and I don't see why I should, I strive off of others happiness... everyone else has always been more important to me than I ever was. I just don't know how I'm bitter and selfless at the same time. *sigh* I have very few people who reach out to me anymore... very few people who really know what in the hell I'm talking about. Not many people know who I really am anymore... hell... sometimes I can't even figure it out. Now I'm gonna stop my depressing entry and leave everyone with their thoughts... have a nice day everyone... I hope you are all happy... *mists out* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ that is what I had a month ago... I hadn't had the chance to post it.... feelings are still true... and Jason I'm sorry that it's kinda depressing... 1 comment|post comment

[14 Feb 2002|05:31pm] [ mood | thirsty ] [ music | Everything ~Lifehouse ] I have been kidnapped... by a Heather... *cracks back* I'm finnaly home... and I'm suppose to be hanging out with Dan, Al'x, Eric, and blah... while Heather goes to work... *cracks neck* *looks around for possible places to hide in* *squirley noise* oddly enough I had my anit-valentines day... last night... I drank fuzzy navels and complained about everything else... until Hedder got there I see Al'x... clean Al'x... hrrrrmmm I want a shower... I'll get one in a minute... wow... *brow furrows* riiight.. now I'm confused... just for those of you who don't kow as of now... I'm in Kennesaw... *wants a smoke* *wants smoak* *wants coffee* *dies* 2 comments|post comment

[09 Feb 2002|02:02am] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | Faggot ~MSI/ Bitches ~MSI ] hey guys and girls... out there in tv land... I'm hanging out Buddy and Beth's house... with Paul, Izzy, Frog, ect... hrrmmm kinda don't know what I'm feeling right now... so far it's somewhere in between contentment and melowness, *sigh* just got a really good back massage and have had people playing with my hair all night... *purrs* *dances all crazy like* I love this song... "I've been denied all the best ultra sex..." "the bitches love me cause they know I can rock..." *dances* *runs into a wall* *gets sucked into the wall* *dissapates* 3 comments|post comment

Tests for the screaming bordem [08 Feb 2002|01:00pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Dissolved Girl ~Massive Attack ] You Are Tangerine Disorder Rating Paranoid: Very High Schizoid: High Schizotypal: Very High Antisocial: High Borderline: Very High Histrionic: High Narcissistic: High Avoidant: Very High Dependent: Very High Obsessive-Compulsive: High -- Click Here To Take The Test -- Figures... I'd get the test back like this... *rolls eyes* why was I so surprised? *sigh* *wants to go home... not to billy's.... home* *mists out* 1 comment|post comment

DOOOM! [06 Feb 2002|12:21pm] [ mood | hungry ] [ music | Gothic Romance ~ Cradle of Filth ] Apparently I looked cute today... *rolls eyes and mutters* whatever *sigh* you know... it's funny how I ignore some people now a days... I've gotten used to toning out the stupid comments and the really stupid peoples fucking high pitched voices!... *calms down* it's about lunch time.... *tummy rumbles* *dissapears in the crowd* 3 comments|post comment

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