Saturday, June 30th, 2001
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2:15 pm - long time...no speak
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i didnt realize it has been this long since i wrote to myself....i guess time just flies by when your having....fun... yeah thats the word im looking for.... well all my stuff is in so i can transfer up to maine...(husson college)...im not really sure if its a good choice but ill make the best of it
current mood:  hot
current music: northline...just give it time
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Sunday, March 11th, 2001
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5:32 am
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f sleep i guess....i never realized how strong the body can be....still no sleep today...my bro came over and we went and saw my gram....i feel bad though cause mike was trying to call me all day and i never gave him my cell number and when i finally talked to him, i was already pretty messed up.....its a wierd feeling going from tanked to sober without sleeping it off...i really dont think im going to drink again for a while......i had a couple more girls keep asking me to go up to their room tonite...these ones wanted me to come drink with them...they were part of a big wedding party..... everyone was around 20-23 including bride/groom and they were all either drunk or stoned....i got to witness someone make a bong out of a apple...ive seen one before, but i never watched someone make it....its actually a pretty cool experience.... i dont know why i said id work for regina this morning...i mean, she is nice and all, but i think my body is seriously going to fail me soon and its really going to be bad when it does... dyed my hair again this morning..i got it cut yesterday...im so hot...hahahaha....f this crap, im going to find something to do that will help keep me awake......
current mood:  cold
current music: mgb-the future is x rated
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Saturday, March 10th, 2001
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3:41 am
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working on 3 hours of sleep over the past 3.5 days....its going suprisingly well....im going to sleep tomorrow afternoon then probably call in tomorrwow night cause i feel like sheet and i dont think ill get any better for a while.... i need to start sleeping...i dont understand how my body is still functioning and how im having any type of intelligent thought...im glad im tired like this, because im not thinking about stuff at all for the most part....its a kind of daze...its great.....
current mood:  blank
current music: matthew good band-beautiful midnight
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Friday, March 9th, 2001
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12:39 am
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i forgot to tell myself....i bought two pairs of pumas today...one running and one for basketball....the running pair is silver, there so awesome....they make me feel like im even cooler than usual.....i have been trying to request in repair by olp for trl for around an hour now, but it wont let me for some reason..... i hate that whole freakin station with a passion... stupid freaks......they should be more like much music.... candians are sooo cooool
current mood:  bitchy
current music: olp- right behind you
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12:08 am - questioning
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im not sure what in the heck i should do.... the new job is so much better than this one, but i feel like im being selfish if i quit this one... especially since my days are switched around so i dont have to work on the weekend now.... all i know for sure is i need one of the days this weekend off.... i dont know how mike will take it, but i havent been able to go out with my friends in forever and im really sick of it... i guess ill just sleep on it tomorrow some time.. no big deal.... the days are going by and the concert is getting closer...i feel the excitement crawling up inside of me....i feel like a little school girl who just saw her first crush.... how gay....
current mood:  guilty
current music: my inner thoughts
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Monday, March 5th, 2001
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12:21 am
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tonite is going to be another bad one.....i already cant stay awake....at least i have mon/tue/wed off so maybe i can find some people to go out and do something remotely fun....i need to go to sleep before things can get really better.... they seem to feel like they are, like my feeling this morning was right, but i have this feeling inside me that something is not right about it all, yet one more obstacle....while i was out today, i was getting hit on by this good looking blond girl, she seemed really cool and like i said, she was good looking(except she had blond hair) but then she started coming on really really strong, like something you would expect from a guy who doesnt know how to talk to girls, and then she started telling me how good she was and how much i would enjoy it....so i was thinking to myself, why is this girl degrading herself like this to me, so i try to be nice and just leave because i felt really uncomfortable and she goes "whats wrong am i not good looking, dont you want me?" she said a number of other things also, but i just sat there thinking, what in the heck did i do to make this girl think that im some man whore with no morals... i mean its suposed to be something special not just handed out like that....i know i am one sexy beetch and all but still :) .....
current mood:  curious
current music: everlast
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Sunday, March 4th, 2001
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6:26 am - happiness is not a fish you can catch
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i think i just had some type of enlightenment over the past 2 hours....whatever it was, it has made me really, truely happy, not that type of happy were it lasts about 15 minutes and goes away, but like the happy/bliss feeling that you get when your around your first love......thanks julez for listening to me even though i didnt say much, you still helped with what i did say..... i know im not through all the bad stuff, but i think what i saw is what is there on the other side, and im not going to stop until i get there.. i guess im going to have to use all my strength to achive what it is, but you can't ever settle when you know there is something better out there......that would be a good little speech for a bunch of pop warner football players :) ...my future endeavors...hahaha...yet another night down....i hope not too many of them left cause all they do is add to the bad stuff..... except tonite.....my faith is very strong, and this is exactly why......no matter how many questions go un answered, when one finally gets an answer, all of the waiting and effort put in is worth it.....thank you.....i guess i go to continue my travels today.....i would wish myself luck, but i know its going to turn out all right, so i would rather do this one on my own :)
current mood:  rejuvenated
current music: blink 182-josie
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1:33 am
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the only person i want to see what i think, to know everything i feel, has no idea that this thing is in existence.....not because she doesnt notice me but because i havent told her about it...i tell her more than i write in this anyways, but i just feel like this is some type of secret thing even though its completely public......
current mood:  envious
current music: lifehouse
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Saturday, March 3rd, 2001
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6:41 am - relief
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i didnt think i would make it, but the last two hours have been a blur and its over.....now to finally sleep......after i clean up after the dog and find out how bad she wrecked the apartment... stupid beech.......
current mood:  groggy
current music: the soothing voices i can hear everyplace when i am asleep
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5:23 am - trying to stay awake
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i have no clue if my company is going to come up from pa today....probably is, she is just very odd about actually confirming, would just rather show up.......i need to either work different hours or not at all soon.....i've work overnights before at other places, but there was always something for me to keep busy on, but while im here, the only thing for me to do is get on this computer and do my little 5am head bobs and they are starting to give me whiplash.....
current mood:  sleepy
current music: 3eb
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Friday, March 2nd, 2001
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11:18 pm
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well....i got tickets for the show on the 24th at the waterstreet music hall.....i figured id be a little more excited but i guess after the past few days and todays revalations, i can see why im not......im ready to crawl in the ball and sleep, but as soon as i try i know that something bad is going to happen.....f work, f school, i just want to take a nap for a little while..... i think the thing that has made me proudest of myself during my life is the fact that i have never given up on anything that is important to me.....right now i really wish i could but i just cant stop thinking and wanting to be there........
current mood:  sick
current music: olp...
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4:26 am - Are you thinking what im thinking pinkey?
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f the website crap, ill work on it tomorrow... i so want to go to work out right now so i have some way of getting rid of my frustrations.... well after about 5 hours of classes i can.... good thought i guess.... i was feeling noisy, so i went reading in other peoples journals for a little while and it actually made me feel better cause i thought that i really dont have crap to complain about compared to others.... that still doesnt take away that underlying pain that i have in my whole body...... everyone says their heart hurts, i guess figuratively, but all of this has given me the worst head ache right behind my eyes the worst kind.......
current mood:  lonely
current music: poison...yeah you read it right hahaha
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3:58 am - ????
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i guess the stupidest thing someone can ever do is put someone else on a plateau thats not really atainable but everyone does anyways, right?.... i guess i knew all along that what i do ends up being done to me, but i never did anything like this......i never lied right to her face for so long......not like its any of my business, but i guess i just thought it was, because i thought she was serious when she told me that she would always tell me everything like i was really as important as she said......and now its going to be time for all of her explanations but i dont think i really want to hear them because i know that ill end up believing her even though she wont do crap to prove it like she made me for the longest time......sometimes i wish i really did think i was as awesome as i say cause things like this wouldnt get me down and i could be smart and just move on......if you have to work this hard, is it really meant to be.......
current mood: crushed
current music: counting crows
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12:47 am - its too damn hot outside for a penguin
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i was thinking, and i figured out i have never dated a girl with normal eyes.....i actually think thats what sets the special girls aside from just normal ones......im not sure what exactly the requirements of the eyes are, but i guess they just have to be unique......
current mood:  nostalgic
current music: pink floyd
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12:10 am
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today was yet another uneventful day at school, then some sleep at home, then work at night... oh yeah and cant forget to add in the three hours in the gym for baseball.....who would tink that a sport like that would require so much for work outs....i've played it my whole life, and i never had to work until now.....i got my tickets for the 14th today.....thats going to be great... i love how they play in the small bar-like settings i think that more big name bands should do stuff like that....well....back to doing nothing at work.....i found some pictures for my site that im going to try to put on tonite...igve the site some actual content.....
current mood: mellow
current music: eve6-horrorscope-8
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Thursday, March 1st, 2001
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6:28 am
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in the early hours like so, i usually come up with my best ideas pertaining to everything in life but i can never end up remembering them...i know i should write them down, but reading them after i woke just wouldnt be the same as remembering them without any type of catalyst.... i guess thats something that i can never change...i tried writing before, but i didnt really understand my train of thought when i woke up.... i also wish i would grow a set of balls so i could leave this place of work that i adore so freakin much......i would, but as soon as i did i would feel bad...who knows...decisions,decisions good night everyone....or good morning depending on your lifestyle....
current mood:  exhausted
current music: olp
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4:18 am - I am the coolest person i know
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i know thats a bold statement, but its true.... unfortantely i know very few people.....actually i like to tell myself that cause it makes me laugh and that is always the best thing to do to stay in good spirits.....im progressing on my web site, ever so slowly....if there was any point to the site, id get a pay site, cause they are always a lot more efficient.....im still so excited about seeing olp again.....i just cant wait....i went to ticket master and it says there that they also play on the 14th at some other place in buffalo, but it said on the nerve that they play on the 24th also....i wonder if it meant april...i better check that out...if its april than ill just go to the show on the 14th....no big deal.......
current mood:  numb
current music: olp....spiritual machines
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Wednesday, February 28th, 2001
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11:14 pm
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hi everyone...im so excited cause i just found out that our lady peace is having a concert on march 24th at waterstreet music hall and the tickets go on sale on friday.....its going to be so great...the last time i saw them was last year in syracuse with creeed and oleander....
current mood:  excited
current music: mxpx
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Monday, February 26th, 2001
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2:07 am
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my friend from Pa is coming up here friday morning and staying until monday....i feel bad cause she didnt give me any type of notice and i have to work on fri, sat and sun nights...i guess at least she can come with me the whole time... i write tons of stuff when i write in here, but i usually end up erasing most of the entries before i even put them in.....i guess i've never really been an open person, even to myself sometimes.... i was thinking and i decided i didnt like the internet because people dont have to be themselves... like this journal, i know there are tons of people who just put stuff in that they think will make people notice them whether there is any type of basis for it..... ive dealt with way too many fake people in my sort life and i still have tons more to go before im done....
current mood:  weird
current music: counting crows
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12:35 am
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im starting to understand how to some of the advanced crap in this web site deal...i think it'll be cool pretty soon, i actually have some good ideas.....
current mood:  determined
current music: collective soul....hints, allegations and things left unsaid
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