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LiveJournal for the fire cat.
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| Wednesday, March 20th, 2002 |
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 anything to avoid schoolwork or having to go out into the rain. all my answers are pretty boring though. just not feelin' it. i'm blaming it all on the weather. and on being home alone. stolen from anna four CDs from your collection that you will never get tired of: 1. secret name-low 2. rain dogs-tom waits 3. another green world-brian eno 4. transaction de novo-bedhead four places you just have to go: 1. portland, oregon to visit my sister 2. new mexico/mexico 3. iceland 4. ireland four things you'd like to learn: 1. the fine art of self motivation 2. how to sail 3. glass blowing 4. see number one four beverages you drink frequently: 1. diet coke 2. water 3. someone else's orange juice 4. rice milk four tv shows that were on when you were a kid: 1. thundercats 2. fraggle rock <---this was my favorite 3. he-man 4. transformers four tv shows you watch now: 1. crappy daytime shows 2. any and all dating shows 3. the daily show when possible 4. the osbornes four places to go in your area: 1. my roof 2. the mediterranean place with cheap vegan pizza 3. parks 4. the statten island ferry four things to do when you're bored [ well this is all i do.. not sure what it is supposed to imply ]: 1. sleep during the day/read during the night 2. eat mostly starches usually heavily doused in ketchup 3. listen to my stereo from anywhere in the apartment 4. kibbitz [how does one spell that?] with the roommates four things that never fail to cheer you up: 1. visiting my sisters 2. thinking about martha's vineyard, backyards, golden retreivers, and dropped feet 3. the cyclone at coney island 4. music, my friends, ray carver four dream guys... 1. i used to really have a crush on the boy who plays balthazar in the new romeo and juliet 2. boys in bands 3. boys in record stores 4. boys who smile when i smile at them About 20 years ago... 1. five months old 2. my mom and dad were probably pretty hot 3. my older sister was wishing that i were a boy 4. i was 'a beautiful baby' at least according to my mother About 10 years ago... 1. i thought i'd live with my parents forever 2. i wanted to be a horseback rider or national geographic photographer 3. my sister was in college and i missed her 4. katie had shirley temple curls |
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| Friday, March 15th, 2002 |
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1. everybody loves raymond is really funny 2. i make a mean lemon rice pudding 3. i really miss my friends 4. tonight: crossroads. woo! 5. i know know what the literary term zeugma means. 6. see reason five for why i hate college. |
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| Wednesday, March 13th, 2002 |
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when i update, i update all around. but hey its late i'm tired and this computer is particularly slow. in other words... goodnight. and hey, i hope all is well over wherever you are. |
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| Sunday, March 3rd, 2002 |
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i'm grump. i hate that i'm grump. this doesn't fix things. goddamn certain people for their form letter formalities and FUCK my life. tim said i'd soon start hating life. who knew that soon meant a week. good news: the film shoot is over and tomorrow in film class we watch suspira. |
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| Thursday, February 21st, 2002 |
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some days i think i just update so i can stop having to look at the old entries. its really beautiful outside and i know there are so many things i should be thinking of, should be doing. but instead i just want to sit in the park for a while. but first, time to shower. |
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| Saturday, February 16th, 2002 |
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i dont know why i keep this thing. i never seem to have computer access to even update the dammed thing when i do have something to say and that is increasingly rare. or maybe im just more guarded about who exactly i let into my head. the big news for tonight: calvin johnson bores me to death. my belly hurts after a onion and tofu cheese with vinegar on rye. i shouldnt eat onion sandwiches. especially at this hour. i'm glad i'm home. i'm glad i get to go to sleep as soon as i finish writing this. im pretty happy about some things less than happy about others. happy late valentine's day and goodnight. |
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| Sunday, February 10th, 2002 |
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the big white space: [i'm looking for some new words to fill it. all the old ones are tired.] |
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| Thursday, January 31st, 2002 |
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watching eyes wide shut and reading bits of the unbearable lightness of being totally messes with your head. |
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| Wednesday, January 30th, 2002 |
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today i will step out of your past. [this album is really really goddamn good] |
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| Tuesday, January 29th, 2002 |
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hands down one of the crappiest days i've had in weeks. if there were prizes for this sort of thing, today might win. |
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| Monday, January 28th, 2002 |
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start new job on tuesday. reading melville before. watching taxi driver right now. i'm more exciting than this. but iris eats like i do. |
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| Friday, January 25th, 2002 |
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yesterday was a good day. i think im getting used to this. a much tamer existence with fewer suprises. maybe other people's methods have become my own. the small moments. in the day to day. the necessary. einstein said something about there being comfort in the mundane. something good about the same actions repeated over. solice in some sense of routine. this is what im looking for. |
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| Monday, January 21st, 2002 |
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 because some days are like this. |
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| Tuesday, January 8th, 2002 |
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the most exciting event of my day was a trip to the dentist. this is what i got out of bed for, this is what encouraged me to wash my hair. the good news being that my wisdom teeth are still hiding deep in the recesses of my mouth and that my teeth feel about 409254207 times better at being polished. the bad news being that thirty minutes with my mouth open wide and my gums bleeding was the highlight of my day. tonight i'm watching the godfather [or at least one and two] and babette's feast. i've already watched true life: i'm a true life V.I.P., real world chicago: how to be a good roommate, TRL's most embarassing videos, the news at least twice, seven different weather reports [storm fields wins my vote as best meteorologist name], shakira's video [i really like her, i admit it], two episodes of the golden girls, bits and pieces of blind date, shipmates, dismissed, and jackass. i think i need to watch less teevee. no wonder i'm frightened of returning. |
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| Monday, January 7th, 2002 |
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hitler had this idea of the Big Lie, being that Big Lies are much easier to swallow then small ones. they become accepted as fact. unquestioned and written into perspectives. granted we probably have our fair share of Big Lies conceived by the government... but i came up with my own ideas on modern day disillusion. the Big Lie is that thing you decide stands between you and your happiness. and sad enough i feel like for lots of girls, or for lots of people even, it's looks. like the key to personal well-being is some sort of cosmetic magic. or maybe its not looks for you. maybe its your job. if you made more money. or if you did better in school. if you had that girl. if you lived somewhere else. something seemingly neat. this one thing. it seems so small. if you could just have that, then things would work. fall into place neatly and logically. every day its the same lies. the same things we tell ourselves to get through the day or night or whatever it is. maybe there is some sense of comfort in these half truths we tell ourselves. that maybe it would be that easy. or that hard. but that it's just this ONE thing standing in our way. one teeny tiny thing. if i werent me, then this would be easy. we all have this. but living in nyc, i feel like the pressure is always there. someone is always what you are not. i've always hated jealousy. its like self-loathing with a bite. but i find myself thinking these terrible thoughts. can i admit it? can i say that this summer i'd watch beautiful girls in the bookstore and hate them for seeming so flawless. it wasn't really hate so much as i wanted to be THEM. i wanted what they had. i'd stare at the long lean tanned creatures on the L train from williamsburg. they reminded me of horses. breed for beauty and speed. does that sound silly? does that sound vain? i dont know when it happened but i've started to believe it. my Big Lie. i bought into it and now i'm struggling to regain some sense of self. its just so hard to stop yourself from falling into. that trap is familar. almost like home. so much easier to believe that happiness is some sort of easy life choice, switching to decaf, working out, working harder to get that promotion... perhaps this hasn't made any sense. i guess my point is something about not buying into it. this idea of nyc, or wherever it is you live, of how we should look or act. or who we should be. or maybe its just that i shouldn't buy into my own set of demands. in any case, dont believe the hype. you make your own happiness. |
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| Thursday, January 3rd, 2002 |
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i've been listening to this for the past half hour. couldn't sleep and i was too tired to read so i figured if anything can sing me to sleep. and in honor of one of my favorite shows of 2002, one of the happiest walks home alone i've had in years. that and i try to play the harmonica along with the songs. oh goodness. if you only knew. if the world only knew. but i'll try sleep again. |
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| Wednesday, January 2nd, 2002 |
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shopping today. wait till you see the new hat. ha! i am the queen of the eyesores indeed. ripped off from someone else: for the new year, i will be nicer to the people who matter to me most. talk less. listen more. think more and procrastinate less. spend less money. eat more veggies. stop playing the fool. starting playing catch. learn a new game. laugh more. make people more mixtapes. worry less. sleep more. be less scared of the future. more confident. less shy. i will go to movies alone if i want to. i won't let them make me cry. i will talk more in class and dootle less. i won't give up. i'll go after what i want. make a goal, set my sights, make it happen. and it will. |
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| Tuesday, January 1st, 2002 |
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i'm doing my sister's algebra homework and its amazing to me how hard factoring has become. luckily i dont need to remember how to solve quadratics anymore but it scares me to think how temporary any knowledge i might have is. tomorrow she returns to school. and i return to... well i dont know what i'll do. maybe get to things i've been putting off for weeks. maybe i'll stop having nightmares about paying my rent or that. that being the same tired nightmare i've had for months now. its a new year. i'd like to at least have some NEW fears. january reading list: crying of lot 49 [mostly finished] the lord of the rings [halfway through the two towers] underworld [so far just the first fifty pages] portrait of the artist as a young man my book of t.c. boyle short stories and now to finish factoring this polynomial and watch the end of dave. |
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| Monday, December 31st, 2001 |
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 kate and i just tried to get out of the house for the first time all day. lo and behold, the car won't start. stranded on new years eve. now we can't even get to the goddamn video store. looks like its going to be shrek and the twilight zone marathon tonight. |
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yes, its quite clear i'm addicted to some parts of having a web-log. i can't really understand it myself but i can only tell you that i enjoy spitting out the thoughts rolling around in my head. i'm not trying to be melodramatic. in fact, i'm trying to be the farthest thing from it. i want to be rational and exacting. have it figured out for myself. for once. but im terribly happy right now. in this one moment. maybe its the weather or maybe its dancing around my room to tapes i havent heard since high school. whatever it is i like it. and i dont care what i do tonight, i'm going to have a hell of a time doing it. but while i'm here: the world is so teeny tiny. especially the internet world. and so apparently is nyc. everyone knows everyone even if it is a degree or three removed. or at least in certain circles it seems this way. i keep waiting for some really funny/awkward moment to result from all this intertangling. oh wait, no, i HAVE had those. |
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LiveJournal for the fire cat.
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