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you think you know someone and then one day...boom, you realize you were only fooling yourself... [ 08.18.02 | 08:33pm ] [ mood | frustrated ] [ music | a perfect circle ] i want to run, scream, shout, cry. until there is nothing left, no sadness, regret, memory, sound or tears. until there is nothing left but a bone dry/paper/nothing version of myself. until i am hollow and empty. i want to tear myself limb from limb cut out every part of me that you touched. an arm, a leg; easy enough. how can i cut out my heart, my blood, my soul? just because there were no witnesses doesn't mean that our friendship, closeness and time spent together didn't happen no matter how much you try to pretend; try to lie; try to make it all go away. the moon saw it all, every lie that dripped from your hateful mouth. she cannot bear witness no more than the trees, the grass, the seascape painting on the wall. so you go forth and build your life; the memories of me blow away like the ashes from my cigarette. how i envy you, your ability to wipe the slate clean. i wish that i could cut out the rotten memories from my brain. i wish i could burn away the dull pain in my heart. i wish i didn't think of you everyday, didn't miss you and didn't still love you despite it all. i hope i still hear from you again one day...isn't that fucking sick of me? disclaimer: the bf is great and none of my sad/angry/melodramatic/high school entries pertain to him unless otherwise stated thank you and have a nice evening. ( tell me your story )

ok, ok, very funny... [ 08.18.02 | 03:00pm ] [ mood | amused ] whose idea was this anyway? i'm not that bad. Your literary love is... Franz Kafka You have a sense of paranoia and distrust that puts you in line with Franz Kafka, author of The Metamorphosis and The Trial. The Austrian author, who worked for an insurance firm for 16 years, wrote about the sinister side of government and bureaucracy. Your dark view of the world, suspicious nature and fear of conspiracy would make you good company for Franz. find out who you're literary love would be ( tell me your story )

sorry i had to do it... [ 08.16.02 | 08:56pm ] [ mood | dorky ] [ music | crickets and other night bug sounds ] it was just too silly. You are a vampire. What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox ( 2 lies ) * ( tell me your story )

can i just say how much racist people bother me... [ 08.16.02 | 12:06am ] [ mood | tired ] god, i was so irritated today at work. anway, there is a significant sized hispanic population where i live and unforutnately, a lot of the people where i live are racist. they actually refer to any hispanic person(s) as "the mexican(s)." ok, like i already said, i work at a pharmacy. as most people know, a lot of people who can't afford a prescription for things will ask the pharmacist what might help them that is over the counter and the pharmacist usually tells them. well, one of my co-workers rushes up to the pharmacy desk with a youngish hispanic guy and goes "does anyone here speak spanish...i think his daughter fractured her arm and i think he is looking for pain medicine." my co-workers all look at each other and in turn say "i don't know any spanish." and return to what they are doing without giving him a second thought. so, since the story gets longer from here, ( here is the story of how heartless my co-wrokers are... ) ( 3 lies ) * ( tell me your story )

you know what i find odd... [ 08.13.02 | 02:39am ] [ mood | pissed off ] that people in this world always seem to hold on to the people that have treated them badly, not had faith in them and stabbed them in the back while at the same time they seem to forget about the people who loved them and always had their back. i don't know maybe i'm just being juvenile, immature and pissed off for no reason. but you know what, i don't care b/c it's true. and fine, if those are the kind of people that they want as friends and the kind of people that they value, the ones that screw them over, then that's fine. we probably wouldn't make good friends anyway. fuck that. p.s. no, this isn't about that other boy, it's about a few other people that i have met throughout my life both generally and specifically. ( 4 lies ) * ( tell me your story )

i forgot about these... [ 08.11.02 | 08:58pm ] [ mood | amused ] i meant to post these when i first moved here, but i forgot. just another sign about exactly how far into the bible belt we have moved. the first one was the first thing we saw when we pulled into town, the second one we saw in a florists shop the next day. it's actually in every florist's shop so i guess it's pretty popular. but they are pretty damn funny anyway. you can click on the thumbnails to view a bigger pic to see the details. 1) : this was an actual car that someone was driving; it is not for show. in case you can't read it, it says "prepare to flee the wrath of god, jesus is coming soon." the guy also had on a flannel and denim jacket written in the same scrawl but in white-- "jesus is coming" 2) : this was the grave wreath it has a children's plastic phone attached to it and the writing says "jesus called." i found both of these amusing. anyway, if you're offended i am sorry and don't email me telling me i am evil and going to hell, b/c honey, i probably am going to hell and i can guarantee you, if i am, it's not b/c of this. otherwise...enjoy. ( 2 lies ) * ( tell me your story )

just two things that really pissed me off... [ 08.09.02 | 09:30pm ] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | random radio commercials ] Vatican excommunicates 7 women who claim to be priests Associated Press Published Aug 5, 2002 EXCO06 VATICAN CITY -- The Vatican has excommunicated seven women who claim to be priests and refuse to repent, saying Monday that the group had ``wounded'' the Roman Catholic Church. The women - from Austria, Germany and the United States - participated in an ordination ceremony June 29 carried out by Romulo Braschi, an Argentine who calls himself an archbishop but whom the Vatican rejects. The Church's guardian of orthodoxy, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, set a July 22 deadline for the women to reverse their claims. However, the women did not ``give any indication of amendment or repentance for the most serious offense they had committed,'' the Vatican said in a statement signed by Ratzinger of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, announcing the excommunication. The statement expressed hope, however, that the women would eventually return to the fold. ``The Congregation trusts that, by the grace of the Holy Spirit, the above-mentioned persons may rediscover the path of conversion in order to return to the unity of the faith and to communion with the Church, which they have wounded by their actions.'' One of the women, Christine Mayr-Lumetzberger, described the Vatican decision as ``a further act of discrimination against women in the Catholic Church.'' ``For us nothing at all changes,'' she told the Austria Press Agency. ``We stand single-mindedly, unwaveringly by our vocation.'' Mayr-Lumetzberger, who is acting as spokeswoman for the group, said the women would appeal the decision. Pope John Paul II has made clear he sees no room for debate about the possibility of opening up the priesthood to women. The Church says Jesus chose men to be his apostles and that the practice of ordaining only men must stand. The excommucated women were identified as Mayr-Lumetzberger and Adelinde Theresia Roitinger, both of Austria; Gisela Forster, Iris Muller, Ida Raming and Pia Brunner, all of Germany; and Angela White of the United States. and they wonder why i think the way i do about certain things. and then there is: Women who put babies up for adoption required to publish sexual pasts i have nothing to say about either of these right now that wouldn't just sound completely fanatical. ( tell me your story )

end of summer cleaning time.... [ 08.09.02 | 12:34am ] [ mood | exhausted ] i am going to clean out my profile and stuff, so, over the next two weeks, i am going to clean out my friends list too. i am going to remove anyone who a)doesn't respond to any of my entries (i.e. letting me know they actually read them) b)doesn't have me on their list and/or c)doesn't have anything interesting to say in their journal. so, if you find yourself removed, don't take it personally, i'm just tired of seeing a lot of irrelevant stuff about people i hardly know on my friends list. of course, i will probably make exceptions, but not many. so, i just wanted to let everyone know that in case any of you care. i am tired and am going to bed now. good night kiddies. ( 1 lie ) * ( tell me your story )

stuff... [ 08.08.02 | 10:32pm ] [ mood | sad ] [ music | (in my head) nin: terrible lie ] i got tired of torturing myself by rereading old emails from times where certain people made me happy and feeling like shit that things turned out the way they did, so i decided to take some mindless online tests: razberrygrrl probability that razberrygrrl has masturbated today: 16% razberrygrrl's lucky number is: -1 razberrygrrl is most like the color #f54487: username: by James ( here are the other two ) ( 1 lie ) * ( tell me your story )

blah, i have a job again... [ 08.08.02 | 12:24am ] [ mood | lazy ] [ music | (in my head) a perfect circle: 3 libras ] well, happy day *note the sarcasm* i have a job again b/c i am poor. anyway, i had my first day today as a phramacist's assistant. which basically means that i am a glorified cashier that gets to ring up drugs and have people yell at me when it takes more than 40 seconds for their prescription to get filled. even though i live in a nowhere town, for some reason, apparently every person within a 150 mile radius comes to my store to get thier drugs. and let me tell you, there are more people in this area on wellbutrin and zoloft than i have ever seen in my life. well, those two and percocet and valium. anyway, it's not too bad i guess...being busy makes it go faster and i get to wear a nifty little white coat which makes me feel important. that's about it for exciting new things here. i should go to bed now b/c i have to get up in not too many hours. you guys should write me and let me know what's up. oh yeah, and pharminatrix or minniethemoocha did i ever let either of you borrow the twin peaks dale cooper diary? and if so, do you still have it and if so, is there any way that i can get it back sometime soon, my new neighbor would like to have a look see at it? thanks! ( 2 lies ) * ( tell me your story )

i hate this feeling... [ 08.06.02 | 08:02pm ] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | a perfect circle: sleeping beauty ] i know you never read this, but this is for you anyway: just so you know, i really did try. i really wanted something great for us. but like always, i screwed it up. but to be honest, you helped a little. i don't think you ever really had faith in me. i don't think that you ever believed it would work. i may be wrong, but it's how i feel anyway. i hate feeling so damn hopeless and alone. i hate being afraid and sad. i fucking hate all of this. goddamn it, i tried so hard! i even nearly lost some of the things most dear to me for you. i went through hell to hold on to you. and now i am here and still wondering if it was worth it. whatever the outcome, i will still always love you and if you ever decide in the weeks, months, or years to come that you miss me, i will still be here. and sometimes i even hate myself for that. hey jupiter by tori amos no one's picking up the phone guess it's me and me and this little masochist she's ready to confess all the things that I never thought that she could feel and hey Jupiter nothings been the same so are you gay are you blue thought we both could use a friend to run to and I thought you'd see with me you wouldn't have to be something new sometimes I breathe you in and I know you know and sometimes you take a swim found your writing on my wall if my hearts soaking wet Boy your boots can leave a mess hey Jupiter nothings been the same so are you gay are you blue thought we both could use a friend to run to and I thought I wouldn't have to keep with you hiding thought I knew myself so well all the dolls I had took my leather off the shelf your apocalypse was fab for a girl who couldn't choose between the shower or the bath and I thought I wouldn't have to be with you a magazine no one's picking up the phone guess it's clear he's gone and this little masochist is lifting up her dress guess I thought I could never feel the things I feel hey Jupiter p.s. for those of you who may be concerned. while this is obviously about a boy, it is not about the boy, he is great, so you needn't be concerned about that. :) ( tell me your story )

i haven't done an annoying survey in a while, so don't kill me... [ 08.05.02 | 03:35pm ] [ mood | geeky ] i thought this was fun and cute: You are 47% geek You are a geek liason, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator. Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend. You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines! Geek [to You]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals! You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime. Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com ( 2 lies ) * ( tell me your story )

so, i'm in north carolina now...yee-haw [ 08.02.02 | 12:50pm ] [ mood | okay ] yep. now i live in nc. in the middle of nowhere i might add. we live next to a cow field and a cemetery. and you have to drive up this long narrow ass winding road to get to our apartment. and after 10:00 pm they turn the three traffic lights on blinking b/c there isn't enough traffic to justify making people wait for the light to change. it's really quiet though except for the occasional moo. but anyway, just wanted to let everyone know that we are alive and ok and stuff and you can email me and whatnot now b/c i have internet access again. that's about it. just sittin' around being ungodly poor and looking for jobs. oh and the one saving grace watching twin peaks. take care and i will write more later. miss you guys! ( tell me your story )

moving schtuff... [ 07.25.02 | 02:34pm ] [ mood | stressed ] just wanted to let everyone know that as of about 5:00 pm today, i will no longer have any sort of reliable computer access. i may be able to be online a couple of times at a friends house, but otherwise, i will be bye-bye for a while (mostly b/c we can't afford a phone right away). i will let everyone know asap when i am wired again. you can still leave me notes and email me while i am gone so i have some goodies to make me smile when i get back online. take care of yourselves and be good while i am away :) i will talk to you soon...wish me luck! ( tell me your story )

once again, the move is on... [ 07.20.02 | 11:47pm ] [ mood | okay ] [ music | apc: diary of a lovesong ] i am fairly excited, tomorrow is my last day at target...i will never have to work there ever again!!!! yay! but then there is the moving stuff...the packing and moving heavy boxes and not having any $$ for anything at all (yes, even food). i am a little bummed b/c there are a few people that did sort of grow on me that i will miss seeing. so, yeah, even though i have been an anti-social pain in the ass about hanging out, i will still miss you and think of you. everyone better stay in touch and no, reading my lj does not qualify as staying in touch! all of you must write, some of you must call, a few of you must visit...hey, i'm just being honest here. anyway, i am getting stupid and sentimental now, so i will just say to those of you who know who you are, i will miss you and i will think of you often. take care of yourselves and keep in touch. ( tell me your story )

blah... [ 07.14.02 | 01:21am ] [ mood | bitchy ] you know, i try to be understanding and let certain people live their lives however they see fit and not bitch too much about the things that bother me. and even though i usually expect a lot from my friends, i even let certain people slack in areas where they are "just not like" i wish they were. i try to be accepting of certain people and not ask too much. but you would think that when you tell someone that you are *not* doing well and that you *really need* a friend that they would find *some* way to squeeze a few hours out of their day asap to find out what's up and if there is anything they can do to help. you would especially think that if they insist that they are your friend and that you are important to them and that they are "there" for you. you would think that wouldn't you...i did, but then like me, you would be wrong. ( tell me your story )

[ 07.14.02 | 01:10am ] [ mood | drained ] argh! ( tell me your story )

you are warned... [ 07.09.02 | 12:48am ] [ mood | predatory ] if you like to take really stupid tests, then click here to take one and remember, you were warned. ( tell me your story )

i don't remember much about these books for some reason although i did read them... [ 07.09.02 | 12:28am ] [ mood | awake ] Which of the Mayfair Witches are YOU Most Like? Find out now! Only from the Quiz Junkie Who’s YOUR Rocky Horror Alter-Ego? Find out now! Only from the Quiz Junkie ( tell me your story )

this is probably the 10,000th time you've seen this; if you know about the lj scam, you can skip it [ 07.07.02 | 11:53pm ] [ mood | bored ] but if you don't, here is the deal...someone is sending out this email to lj users: Dear LiveJournal user, We have recently noticed that you haven't updated your LiveJournal in awhile. If you would like to keep your LiveJournal account, you must sign in within the next 24 hours. You may sign in at: { link removed } Failure to sign in within the next 24 hours will result in account termination. this is a trick to get your login information. if you get this email, do not click the link. lj does not remove accounts for inactivity. go here news for more info. just wanted to help you guys out in case you don't regularly check the lj news area. i will write an actual entry soon i swear. ( tell me your story )

[ 07.04.02 | 12:40am ] [ mood | grumpy ] right now, i am bored, i will probably write more in a bit, but for now, here is ( another annoying survey... ) ( tell me your story )

if you live near me, please help... [ 06.20.02 | 01:00am ] [ mood | sad ] my kitty was staying at someone's house who lives in university terrace and she ran away around 9:00 pm last night :( she has only been an indoor cat her entire life so she probably won't know her way around very much. i am thinking that if she doesn't get taken in by someone (*fingers crossed*) she might find her way downtown. if you see her, please please let me know. i am very upset and worried about her and we are offering a reward. ( here is a description and a picture of her: ) if you see her please try to get her or at least let me know so that i know she is ok and i know where to look. i am very very upset and any information would be greatly appreciated. she has no collar, so i am counting on luck here :( i don't know what else to say right now, i just wanted to put this out so that maybe someone who lives near me might see her and help me out. i miss her. and i am sad. that is all. good night everyone. ( 4 lies ) * ( tell me your story )

damn, and i thought i had a day off... [ 06.15.02 | 02:15am ] [ mood | discontent ] that is my statement for today. i was really looking forward to having a day off today, but a girl from work called me last night and asked me to work for her, and since i am incredibly poor, i did it. that means that i have worked everyday this week that i was supposed to have off. and to make things even better, two co-workers decided to blame me for something that someone else did and drama ensued. but anyway, it's mostly over now and they can kiss my ass. other than that, everything is pretty good. just working and watching movies and sittin' around for like an hour before and after work each day. frustrated in some areas of the personal life, but i will figure it out somehow (not the boy by the way...he is great!). people just frustrate me sometimes, and i never know if i should give up or not. i usually put up with bullshit and feeling bad that i realize after the fact went on way longer than it should have. but then i am afraid to give up on people too early only to learn that if i had just waited a little longer things would have been ok. so, my question to you is how do you know? ( 1 lie ) * ( tell me your story )

sadness... [ 06.11.02 | 03:45am ] [ mood | gloomy ] i spent all of this time making a pretty layout for my journal and all of these pretty usericons and now my paid account has expired (as of 05.31.02) and i have no $. gosh, even the simple things in life that make me happy have to go away b/c i am poor. this sucks. i guess i can still at least write in it...but i was happy having a paid account. maybe i can find some way to save up enough money to pay for a little more. but if not, then bye-bye lovely journal and fast servers. ok everyone, i am going to bed now...sleep well. ( tell me your story )

not much interesting to say... [ 06.10.02 | 11:55pm ] [ mood | bored ] well, not much has really happened lately. we are not living in a cardboard box and that's a good thing :) i had to let my cat go live with other people again which made me sad. but unfortunately the guy we are subleasing from (who will be returning to live here in aug.) is apparently deathly allergic to animal dander of any kind and will die so we can't even fake it and let her stay here anyway. but that is beside the point. we still need to save like $2,000.00 by the end of the summer and we currentlt have $50 in the bank and still haven't paid the bills. anyway, i'm still sort of content i guess b/c when i am not working, i get to sit on my ass and do nothing all day if i so chose which feels good. the boy and i are still getting along marvelously which is always a good thing. other friendship fronts are a little strained, but that is not my fault...mostly the other person's weirdness and lack of backbone to make any sort of commitment to a real friendship...but blah, i suppose that is better meant for another entry. the point of this entry i guess is to say that although things still aren't all that great and we have no $$ (we've had to resort to only eating 1 real meal a day), things aren't quite as bad as they could have been and we are maintaining the proper perspective on things. are we so well adjusted? *rolls eyes* well, good night folks until next time. ( tell me your story )

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