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Friday, February 1st, 2002
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11:24 pm
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I sit still: breath is leaving my body; motionless, and yet I move. I blink, unsure, and I create within myself: understanding, compassion, withdrawal, virgin negativity… I wish many of things not least of all, the ability within myself to pass not a judgment but to excrete understanding… most of all, to fully comprehend what it is to be compassionate. To be compassionate is a beautiful anomaly, a glitch in my mentality, yet I say that…. A contradiction to what I esteemed my realities to be... I hold within the ability to be a one with a compassioned nature, and the knowledge to acknowledge this fact, yet I lack it, thus drowning my perceptions with negative and pessimist insights, however, I know beauty in the place of lackluster depths. So I’d like to think.
So I’d like to think.
What makes a beautiful person.
Justice is evil. Justice is spawned from evil. Justice comes from the path laid before by evil. Is Justice evil? Is it one necessary evil? It is even evil?
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| Friday, January 25th, 2002
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10:42 pm
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She closed her eyes and tried to ignore what the implications of her actions would possess into the already deranged schedule her life was spiraling downwards into. Fingers tried to soothe her thoughts as they trembled, trying best to justify the pounding ache into a dull remembrance.
The music was playing softly, more a distraction than something she thought pleasurable. She lost herself in the lyrics and tried to keep her emotions in tacked. Sometimes, when you look hard enough, you can find yourself anywhere. She flung herself down in her working chair, looking up to the ceiling at the glow in the dark stars that almost blended into the painting, for with the light on, you almost couldn't make them out.
....
She touched her fingers to her temples and took in a deep breath, forcing a smile to her lips before she reopened her eyes, meeting those of the screen before her. She tried to tilt her head to the side, half way hoping that the image before her would be different, that it would mutate or even go away.
....
The scene set before her was something she never thought she would face. She was tired already as it is, and tonight so already knew was going to be one of those insanely long nights, for it was the type of night where she didn't know how to shut off her mind.
...
I think that I am falling into an understanding as to the way that I need to focus, yet all the same I am still very, very unsure. I am close to clairvoyant, but I am not there, and because of that, I don't know. I don't know.. That's it. I know that so many things can impact and change, but I am a full believer of chance, fate, and predestined.
So who knows?
Part of me want's to write.. I really, really do.. but I need to untangle my thoughts, I need to get things under control. Damnit! I need drive.. I need to push myself. I need to reward myself for my victories..
but my other passion..
Animals.
But there is no way I'd be able to get into vet school.. and truly, I'm not the type that would be able to steadily open the cute little/big animal and cut it up, unless it was to save it's life... I'd try anything before I'd let it die..
I'm the person that holds it's parents hands and assures them that everything will be ok, even though I'd be crying myself.
Is there such a thing as too emotional? Sometimes I think I am very emotional, more or less empathetic.
Very empathetic.
I do want to save animals.. I want to help with problems.. I have a sick mind, a sick mind with understanding without proper answers because an answer would be so easy, yet at the same time, those answers cause so many more problems and things left unsaid..
the only reason that we have justice is because we have evil.
I don't ever want to be a dentist.. I dislike my dentistry class even though I do enjoy what I am learning.. I just... uggg.. i don't want to be a dentist.
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| Wednesday, January 16th, 2002
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9:59 pm
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brief.
something so tragically beautiful
erases the smile from my face
something so deviously misunderstood
manages to mingle a sweltering disease
under the race of my skin.
there is something so majestic as
to the way that the flame never ceases in
it's fury unless it is devoured by
the dark forces fighting to consume it's
power. many a time i watch it
all pass me by, flying above
with my eyes closed. and sometimes
i can still hear her breathing in my
ear, whispering to me, goodbye.
it's times like these that i know that
i am.
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| Tuesday, January 15th, 2002
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9:30 pm
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a new passion consumes me and misunderstands me, yet my perception is still the same. the underesteemed one is the child without the reason to retaliate their thoughts as to why they feel, the misguided is the one without the way to be shone if ever there was such a way. the tribulations of my past persistently pounce the dripping nonchalance spiraling the depths into a wondrous haze constant with their misgivings of what if.
today the reflection has a lone figure by her side. if ever there was someone that once was alone without the reflect to stare point blank back, that one was this one gazing into the nothingness to find something, because to have nothing is to have something, or else her heart screamed to heed.
today.
interesting.
falling.
fulfilling.
happy.
tears.
a
bit
of pain.
normalcy.
decrepitly
investment spent.
retaliation
hunger.
craving.
shudder.
raw configured emotions.
lesson learned.
smarts.
lost.
digital ...
crawling.
bawling.
staling.
drawling.
loving.
i love.
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| Monday, January 14th, 2002
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9:17 pm
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| Sunday, January 6th, 2002
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9:15 pm
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she touched her hand to his arm,
resting her cool finger tips against
the burning flesh of his forearm,
slowly sinking her nails into his skin
as she leaned into him, resting her
forehead against his bare back shoulder
blade, slowly exhaling with a tender kiss
to his exposed skin.
"please don't."
her whisper, soft and gentle as she pressed
against him, begging him with her body,
anything to stop him. a tear drop splattered
against his flesh as she choked on her
sobs, slowly digging her nails deeper into
him, silently prying herself to him,
determined in her despair.
"please...."
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9:12 pm
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as i sit here i think really of nothing but mindless
amusements that once made me giggle with glee
and flush with pleasure. sometimes i think
i am dead on the inside. sometimes i think i try
so hard to be so pathetic without even opening
my eyes to glare into the morning sun.
i've been inspired to write again
i just don't know where to start... i want
to explore so many depths to my madness
but sometimes the fornication of words
and manipulation of thought is hard
to sate my satisfaction. the deeds that
weigh hard on my shoulders make
me slump with dread.
i grieve the word i use to live in and try
my best to welcome the light of tomorrow.
all i need to do is express myself then
everything will be ok...
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| Saturday, December 1st, 2001
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3:20 pm
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And then she brushed
back a strand of hair from
her forehead, and smiled
sweetly with that cursed knowing
smile of hers and blew him
a kiss.
He blinked, unable to move,
unable to swallow, for his
fear of what was to come next.
She hid something under a
plain white velvet covering
and lifted it to her mouth, and
he didn't even have a chance
to blink, as she smirked and
blew out her brains.And then she brushed
back a strand of hair from
her forehead, and smiled
sweetly with that cursed knowing
smile of hers and blew him
a kiss.
He blinked, unable to move,
unable to swallow, for his
fear of what was to come next.
She hid something under a
plain white velvet covering
and lifted it to her mouth, and
he didn't even have a chance
to blink, as she smirked and
blew out her brains.
Today is a beautiful day.
How is everyone? Miss me?
I miss myself sometimes you know.
It's been a long time, a lot of
webs into my mind that have yet to
yeild to this understanding of want
... want... ha... want.
is it a want, a need?
Okies, I love myself sometimes..
oh! Good news...
Scarlet gave birth to twins
last night.. it was a beautiful
sight.
I love you.
Hi Jer... I miss you.
current mood:  creative
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| Thursday, November 22nd, 2001
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9:07 pm
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i sat here looking into the mirror
and tried not to smile as that dark
drop dripped from it's beginning to
trail a sweet path of hot carmine down
my throat. I swallowed and watched
enticed as the trail split in two and
started to linger in duo paths down
to my collar bone.
taste the pain
taste the love
taste the memory
taste the blood
fingers dipped into champagne next
to and were brought to her lips of
which she parted and allowed the
cool liquid to touch each sweet rose
petal, parting like the brazen harlot she
was. She begged to swallow but she
knew the punishment if she did, so
she just watched her reflection and
the shadow behind her.
the tease it begs
the game it lost
the hunger it felt
the lost it knew
the shadow behind her came into
the light and the woman pressed her
lips to the one before her, kissing
away the champagne from the captive
woman who didn't make eye contact
but watched her in the mirror.
the two women looked alike, but one had
the fiery red hair and the other was a
pale silvery blond.
the sweat is dripping from
trembling finger tips and the
air is starving from the deepening
intensity that is licking across
the desire draining from the
lips that tease one another
like lovers, the woman smile
for their depths of their love
is deeper than comprehension.
the one woman who felt her own blood
trailing down her throat was then allowed
to lick the remaining bubbly from her lips
and as she did so, the other licked her tongue
with a quick slide of her own and a knowing
smile that lingered across her lips. The
standing dominating one stood over her before
she pressed her lips down to the bleeding
ones throat and started to suck lightly
at the wound.
I think i'll swoon
oh god...
i think i'm going to fucking swoon.
i smiled as her lips touched my throat and
i fought against the heat that i felt rising in
my chest and tried to swallow my pride and
not beg as i felt her fingers drop to my
inner thighs. I knew not to part my eager legs
for she'd punish me if i did so i sat under
her torture and endured this as she
slowly started to lap the blood from my
skin.
beautiful.
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| Wednesday, October 24th, 2001
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10:22 pm
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| Friday, October 19th, 2001
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10:11 pm
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she touched her trembling finger
to her lips and slowly watched
as before her, the sight slowly
started to manifest through the
sceen of her tears, glazing the
reality of the sight before her eyes.
She shuddered in the feverant wake of
the blaze lingering and building
before her and thought it nothing
more less than the wrath of him,
the wrath of god sent here before
her, and as she felt it inflame
before her, she fell to her knees,
weak like a newly born horse
fighting for it's first step. and falling
into a heap of tears, she began to
sob her terror.
current mood: lost. .... lost.
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| Sunday, October 7th, 2001
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11:09 pm
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to love is a strong word,
to hate is even stronger...
I love everyone untill I
see something in them that
is dark.. and even then,
I am only numb..
but I never feel that way
for long.... I don't know
what to say now and days,
only that now I have a
friend who is a big brother
to me.. whom I am happy to
be close to again..
and that I have my jack with
me today...
I love.
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| Tuesday, October 2nd, 2001
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9:42 am
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"Feeling, Wow
Once a passionate force of drive
Then gone, forever.
Dread, mets Wonder.
Silent and ever growing cold of hunger
Meet me in the river.
For I am the cool water that trickles in your mind.
Once lost, and then found.
You find yourself lost yet again.
When darkness becomes your blanket
Cold becomes a gentle touch of excitement.
Losing not for what mind ye had." -me
-jack
current mood:  numb
current music: Third Eye Blind - God Of Wine
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| Monday, October 1st, 2001
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7:10 am
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today is the day that I return back to school
and the sadness of this issue is the fact
that still badly does my head throb. It's
like a constant pain with the helping ache
of a throb. Ug. It's annoying.
I don't have long, so I am going..
Just wanted to say good morning to Jack.
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| Sunday, September 30th, 2001
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2:26 pm
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Dear me,
Well umm, i dont know where to begin, i've known you for 18 years. Yet i dont seem to know you at all. I've never met you before. We've had this discussion before, and yet we havnt. Anyways, im standing here thinking to myself. What a horrible person you are. Boy that guy in the mirror looks familiar. Sometimes when my room is messy, i look around at it before i pick it up. How it looks like my life does. A giant mess, and yet i havnt been able to finish cleaning my life up. Night after night i lay and cry myself to sleep wondering when some sort of relief will come. I used to mutilate myself, and that wasnt helping, i then began to hold it all in, that wasnt helping either. So.. i come to crying every night and wow.. its not helping either. I wonder as i lay there sometimes, if maybe i would be at ease in the afterlife if she shot me, or something to that manner. Sometimes i want to do it myself, it sounds like a dance to me. I've gripped that knife under my pillow for nights on end. Im here for something, and if there is a god, i could sure use some sort of hint. When i wake up in the morning i try to focus on what i was thinking of in that moment when you wake up, but yet your not awake. There is a point, i beleive, that happens before you wake up, yet during your attempt to wake up, that you can do anything you want. We as humanity, dont think about it, probably dont care. I want to grasp that moment, but i cant. Its like holding onto someone slipping away from your grasp. That brings me to myself. Im not only slipping away from my grasp, but everyone elses. Im dying inside and soon i will be dead outside. Maybe i think, i will go end myself to move on to another life. Im sure i will meet her there too, maybe she will have better treatment. In our infinite existance we are reduced to decide for ourselves. Do i live today? or die the next? I think i have answered myself by not saying a single word. Good bye for now self. I cant say its been a pleasure to be you, because it hasnt.
Yours truely,
Jack
current mood: numb
current music: Goo Goo Dolls - Iris
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10:15 am
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to try and explain would be pointless
because of the fact, quite simply so,
I don't dwell too much the matters
concerning myself.
I don't care much of myself.
I don't care. It's not that i hate
myself it's just... I don't care.
I find beauty everywhere... sometimes
in the mirror, all the time with others,
I love so many things, I love manipulating
them to fit my needs.. my wants.
fickle.
I am very.
Ug. Azeron... I miss you. You at
a time were the very best of friends
and now I feel as though we aren't.
I think a lot of my past, of
the lost and gained loves and
the mark they left on my soul
and I really ponder not yet
at the same time, I remember.
Strange?
To not question, just remember.
Sometimes this fickle need and
want of missing consumes but
truthfully I think it a mask,
an unreality.
I miss .... do I?
Really, when thinking... ha...
thinking.. do I? When in reflection
of which was of the past concerning
my life, do I really miss or do
I just wish I felt such a feeling
so I make myself dwell?
I know whats best, and I know whats
now is best, yet I know sometimes
I still think of them.
Jack is here. I am so thankful for
that, he is a wonderful person. I
see it.
Ug..
I don't think I really know anything
anymore, if I ever did.. I just
follow day by day.
I am so fucking lazy.
It's sad. I am so .... ug.
I need to open my eyes, I have so much
I need to do, I need to learn,
I want to learn..
Puddle of mud.
They have this pretty song.
"control."
I love the way you look at me
I feel the pain you place inside
you lock me up in your dirty cage.
well I'm alone inside my mind.
i like it when you chain me to the
bed ... but then your secrets never
show.
Now tell me... isn't that beautiful?
current mood: unsure.
current music: pum.
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| Sunday, September 23rd, 2001
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10:20 pm
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dismember this: who are you? (sorry)
my blood burns: who am I?
dismember this: please forgive me.
my blood burns: ...
ok, back to my english paper..
a free style contest! if only
I could write what I really want.
current mood: none.
current music: Amber... her heart still beats.. unlike mine.
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8:19 pm
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Today it was I had to force myself to close
my eyes and just take deep breaths, long
slow breaths that entered my lungs and left
my lips, long deep breaths that I wished would
have taken this feeling away, deep breaths
that I wished would have done a damn
thing. So it was, I widened my eyes and
cursed, loud and with a slight pout before a
smile leaked across my lips and I calmed myself
as best I could with a delicious coffee, black.
extra strong. I love watching my fingers tremble,
it's nothing new. I love feeling my body shake, I
love feeling like a dork at times.
I feel like leaning my head back, throwing it
back actually and cackling, just for no reason
at all, yet at the same time, I just want to throw
myself across the bed and have a hissy fit,
slamming my fists into the pillow and biting at
the case, sobbing and screaming..
I wish I could still get away with that.
it seems that somewhere along the line,
I have ...
I'll write more later.
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| Friday, September 21st, 2001
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11:32 am
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"When you think you are worthless, you have only you to believe.
When someone else tells you, you are worthless, then you have 2 to believe.
I've lost my will.
Now im running on fumes." - me
-jack
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| Tuesday, September 18th, 2001
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11:17 am
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"Sweet dreams are made of this
Who had a mind to disagree
Travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something." - Marilyn Manson
"Sometimes i wake, and i feel that my spirits broken.
I lay awake until it gets light" - Iron Maiden
and last but not least.
"I used to write poems, and stories.
Now when I think, All i see in there is
Stress, hate, sorrow, pain and death.
All i have is my music, and through that i convey my wishes." -me
-Jack
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