Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Arielle's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, March 20th, 2002
8:32 am	School... Yes, I'm in school...and I've been utilizing this journal a lot lately. I wonder if anyone I really don't want to read this will ever read it someday. I pray that they will never feel the need to search for livejournal.com let alone my username or anything like that. It's funny how I can sit here in class and no one around me cares what the hell I'm doing. They just let me write whatever the hell I am writing at the speed of light and they don't care what it is. I think, were I them, I would at least be curious. Maybe they are just too preoccupied with their own lives...their own personal things. Who knows. And after all, even in this Journalism class, I am the only REAL writer. Yesterday was the best day I've had in a long succession of rather dismal days. But the evening was not so good. I worked on my presentation for English [Les Miserables], but when I went online, I didn't really get to talk to anyone I usually talk to [and enjoy talking to]. Mostly, it was an unfulfilled evening. I didn't get to talk to Eric, though I did send him an email or two...but one sided conversations aren't much fun. Heh. I didn't really talk to Rubeena either. Or Zach. Both of them seemed to be in really dismal moods. I think Zach understood that his "caretaker" position was really not needed anymore. He knew I wasn't unhappy and he probably guessed the reason and became disheartened. Sometimes I can read him like a book. I talked to Keith for a little while, though. We were both supposed to be working on school stufff, but kept kind of wandering back to conversation with each other. Heh. Away messages are pointless when you're like that. :) Well, Zach will never glimpse this journal [THANK GOD]. Rubeena--I love you dearly...::hugs:: And Eric--When you're not online with me, I'm still thinking about you. :) Today is another day. Another day. Another day. It's only first period and I want to go home. You know, on Monday, I didn't ask Adam for a ride and since I ALWAYS ask him if he can take me, I assumed that since I didn't ask him, he would know I didn't need one. I got a ride from my friends Kin and Huoi. But...he waited for me. And I never came. I was wrong. I guess he cared more than I'd thought. Well...thought THEN. It's amazing how much something can change in one day. The situation of a relationship. The disposition of a person. The day itself. I'm babbling and while I adore being open with the world [because the first thing to do as a writer is to let go of all your inhibitions] I feel sometimes that I say too much. So, good bye for now...Good bye. :) Current Mood: accomplished (2 hugs | love me)
Tuesday, March 19th, 2002
9:47 pm	Keith I'm talking to my friend Keith right now. He's a good guy...I can have good conversations with him. I don't really talk to him much...it's kind of a shame...I think senior year's been tough on us...heh...He reads my journal every now and then...which is nice...::smiles::...But he thinks I'm some kind of sex crazed maniac now after reading some of my more recent entries...lol. ::Shakes head:: I'm not, I'm not...at least not all the time. Lol. ::laughing:: Current Mood: contemplative (love me)
4:02 pm	The Smile Returns I patched things up with Adam. :) And everything is blissful again. No argument. Nothing. I really hadn't said anything yet and he pulled me onto his lap and put his arms around me and we talked. He said he agrees that the mono gave him mood swings. He was so loving...I hope this time it lasts. :) About him feeling guilty, he said he thinks it is effects of the mood swings and I should not worry about it. ::prays:: Heh. ::smiles up at God:: He heard me out and wasn't angry or defensive at all. :) So glad. ::dashes away:: Current Mood: content (3 hugs | love me)
Sunday, March 17th, 2002
2:35 pm	If I pull all the emotions out from the depths of my soul, I have such an overwhelming love for Adam. I remember things that made my soul flutter and my heart ache to hold him close forever. I feel things that make me think of marriage and children and future extending until death. But sometimes, only lately, I wonder, am I living in the past? Could his feelings for me have changed? What is this barrier between us that is causing me such pain? Why can't I be cared for like I want to be? I used to feel so loved by him...and now...now it's totally different and I can't help wondering if this is how things are going to be from now on... I can't be with him if things are always going to be like this. And if things continue on this way, I find it hard to believe that he cares enough about me anyway. I am really hoping that this is just a large glitch in the relationship that will go away with time. I'm finding it very hard to be patient. Very hard. I've tried to be understanding. I've waited, giving him time to be the way he is with hope for an explanation or a change. I received neither. So I talked to him. And now things aren't any better. I don't know what else to do. He is pushing me away. And I don't know if it's because he doesn't want me or because of some other reason that I have yet to discover. He says he wants me as his girlfriend...he says so...and Adam would never say or do something he does not want to do...he says he wants me as his girlfriend, but he sure doesn't act like it. I want to be angry with him. But I want to love him, too. I am angry with him at times. So angry that I want to hit him and cry. But then I sit here and think of all the lovely things he's done for me, the way he used to be, the things he said to me, and I love him so dearly it hurts that he isn't like that anymore. I know it's nothing I did...and I wish he'd treat me better. I'm not asking for much...really I'm not. The more he pushes me away, the more I realize all the inlaid desires that I have. I know things I want and need. And I realize that he's not the only one who can give me these things. I want him to know that so he can decide just what he wants me and just how he wants me. He can't take me for granted. I won't let him. He can't just love me when he wants to...he has to love me all the time. I'm not a thing that can be picked up when needed and dropped when not desired. I have feelings. I think he's just unaware of a lot of things. He doesn't understand how badly I feel. I just want to know what happened to the "I know that you are the only one for me and that no one could ever love you more than I love you." He said that to me...but now...I just don't feel it. :( Current Mood: sad (7 hugs | love me)
Friday, March 15th, 2002
11:01 pm	I love people who know me know me. I really do. I think the people who know me know me most are Eric, Adam, Zach, and Rubeena. Other people DO understand the real Arielle, too...but not all of her. No, not all of her. It's a hard thing to explain. It really is. I love all those people I mentioned above [as well as a ton of others, heh]...notice how all of them are male but one? I'm telling you...I relate better to males. They have that extra sense that gives them this understanding quality. I don't know what it is...it's just there...and it seeks me out...rips me from my shell...and coats itself around me and my thoughts and feelings. Eric's got a lot of insight for 1] someone I haven't known very long, 2]someone who has never actually "met" me. But you know what? I feel closer to him at the point in my life than I do to anyone. I rather like it. I feel like there is nothing I can't tell him...there's nothing he won't understand...there's nothing I hold back from his eager ears [or eyes actually, as the case may be]. You all probably have no idea what I'm talking about, but Eric is like these two eyes into my mind, heart, and soul. He sees all, knows all, and understands all. What did I do? Turn on a switch in his brain? Because he sure does know me better than anyone right now. And Adam...he knows me. I mean, really knows me. He's been there for me to protect me and comfort me and love me. He made me smile with just a word. We've been through a lot together. It's just lately that he's been distant. He hardly talks to me. How could he know me now? He's farther away than Eric who's states away. And Adam is right here. ::sad little frown:: He knows the real me, though. He know what my real motives and thoughts are when I say certain things. He can read my face like a book. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes. I wish I had that Adam back... And Zach...Zach's just...Zach. ::laughs:: I guess maybe one of the reasons he understands the real Arielle is because he's in love with her. Or thinks he is. He is so enthralled with me sometimes that his opinion is biased...but no less his. He's understanding. He's comforting. [Maybe a little uncomfortably at times since I don't have the feelings for him he does for me.] He has intellectual conversations with me. Conversations that have meaning. Conversations that have knowledge behind them waiting to peek out. He glimpsed the real Arielle and has such a strong grasp on her that he can't let go, so he learned to understand. I'm much more secretive with Zach than I am with Eric, Adam, or Rubeena. I'm no less honest...I just hide myself more. But whether he knows it or not, he sees a lot of me anyway. And Rubeena...she's like another me. Well, half of her is another me. She understands, How could she not? Some of it probably stems from the fact that I understand HER...therefore it's only natural that she understands me. I mean, obviously there are some things the other does not understand...but that's the case in everything. Rubeena is a soul searcher...and I don't think she knows it. She asks questions outright...gets my answers and stores them in this place inside her mind where they all pile up and become her vision of me. That's how she understands. She learns of me like I am a story to be read [kind of like how Eric does, but on a different level because she's a female]. You know, I don't know what I am talking about...and this was supposed to be a continuation of my previous entry...but to anyone reading it, they've most likely read this one first...and now they'll read the next one second...so it won't be in sequence. Ah well...I don't know what to say. When I write...I just keep writing. You will never get rid of me Eric, Adam, Zach, and Rubeena...because I crave you. I crave what you give to me and what I can give to you and what our exchange means together. [Only Eric and Rubeena will be reading this, but nevertheless, I've said it. I talk to the world when I write in here.] Good night. Current Mood: grateful (2 hugs | love me)
10:31 pm	Yes, I'm writing in here yet again. I really should print some of these pages out and save them for posterity. I like reading old stuff of mine. It amuses me. I like to see how I think and progress. Perhaps I should tell you a little about my life since I haven't much lately. I've mostly just described random thoughts and feelings. Nothing special. So now I will continue with incessant ramblings... Lately, I've been feeling lonely. Adam isn't the same and I can't figure out why. I mean, I can gather a little bit of the reason, but I don't understand it and it doesn't seem to make much sense to me. I can't detail the talks we've had in here because they are too personal and deal with topics that should be left private. Basically things have just digressed instead of progressed. And they did so mostly by choice as far as I can tell. A few months ago we were so close and personal and serious [by serious I mean mature and loving in a relationship]...I think that scared him. I mean, he's outright told me that he's afraid I'll find some deep poetry-loving guy at college in the fall...and we have been very serious as far as levels of love go...so it's only a natural feeling... But now, so as not to make things harder if something should happen [and when I say "if something should happen" I mean one of us breaking up with the other...but you know what? He's afraid it will be ME that leaves him. That's what he said. It's like he is getting hurt over something that hasn't happened yet...and never will happen in my opinion. It was actually kind of insulting.] Anyway, so as not to make things harder if something should happen, he decided to stop all affection all together. Not dwindle it down and make us less serious [physically]...but he just stopped being loving all together. No kisses. No embraces. No "I love yous". I'm a woman. I need that. I really do. It's like I have to seduce him or something to get him to put an arm around me. And I know he wants me. I mean, I know he wants to love love me...once I get him started...but he's afraid. And he told me he feels guilty afterwards. [No, I am NOT talking about sex...just intimate things of a sexual nature]. Actually, what sort of brought on this whole change in my Adam was something that "happened" about a month ago. We had actually been seriously discussing and talking about having sex. [Don't judge me, please.] I mean, we talked about it a lot...it wasn't just some trivial thing that was the next step. Remember, we've loved each other for over 2 years. He said he planned to marry me. In any case, we basically planned when and where we would do it...how it would be...etc...and we asked one another if we were sure eighty million times betwixt the "I love yous". We had these talks in each others' arms, whispering and kissing foreheads and cheeks...and then...a few days before it was supposed to take place...he said he couldn't do it...because of the aforementioned reasons of the possibilties of what might happen when we went away to college. He didn't want to do that to me...or himself. He had this huge moral insight. [Not that I am not a moral girl, because I AM.] But anyway...it's because he doesn't want me to be his first...he wants me to be his only [it's the same for me of course]. And I am not opposed to the whole not having sex thing at all. I don't care! I just want him to love me. And now...he's gone from so much affection...to none at all. And it makes me sad. I've tried talking to him about it. Telling him how I feel. Being understanding. Giving him time. I've waited and waited and waited for him to return to his old self...but he hasn't yet. And I miss him. We haven't done anything together for weeks. I only see him in school and when he takes me home afterwards. He seldom comes in anymore. I miss him so much I could cry. All I want is love. Plain simple love like he gave me before. Nothing more. I've been such a patient girlfriend. He hasn't called me in FOREVER. I know it's a busy time for him...I know he'll be valedictorian so he needs to keep focusing on his schoolwork. I know he has scholarships to complete and colleges to choose from. I am understanding. Is it so much to ask for a ten minute phone call on a weekend just to say "hi"? He hasn't called me in sooo long. Kissing isn't sinful. I just want a kiss now and then. A kiss hello. A kiss good bye. A kiss just to be a kiss of love. I want something. I feel like we don't even have a relationship. I mean, he isn't treating me like a girlfriend. He's distant and he's pushing me away [whether he means to or not]. I don't know what else I can say to him. It always turns out wrong. I don't want arguments. I want love. Why can't things be the way they were? Why haven't I sat on his lap for weeks? What is going on? When I ask him, he tries to tell me, but says he doesn't understand it himself. He just feels guilty for the stuff we've already done. He feels strange. I don't want him to feel strange. I want him to love me like he always had. I love him. I don't want to give give give...and get nothing in return. Everything we had was mutual...and now it feels differently. I hope he'll feel better and be more loving soon. I'm an affectionate person by nature...not clingy...not needy...just loving. And I guess I just want that in return. The thing is, I'm not expecting too much of him... He WAS like that...and now he's not. I miss it. So much. I don't know what I'm babbling about. I'll continue in the next entry... Current Mood: confused (3 hugs | love me)
4:15 pm	Here I am... Here I am...just sitting...eating a chicken pot pie, watching 7th Heaven, and thinking about life. Life is so odd. I think sometimes, even my closest friends, think I am odd. And I suppose I am. I mean, I'm not like them. I'd so much rather have a deep conversation than talk about the mall or something. I mean, if I asked a semi-deep/intellectual question to one of my friends at school, like: "Do you relate better to the opposite sex?" she would look at me funny and wonder why I asked a question that had actual meaning or something. Do you know what I mean? But I'm never going to change. I love being the deep person I am. I don't want to hide the real Arielle [even though I do sometimes from my friends at school]. But you know what I love so much? Find the kind of friends that UNDERSTAND the real Arielle...like the real Arielle...love the real Arielle. People who can see me for me. I love that. And there are only a handful of people I know who fit that description. Well, perhaps I should go and do the homework that ought to be mmy first priority. Just one thing: I love all of you out there who understand the real me.:) Current Mood: geeky (3 hugs | love me)
Thursday, March 14th, 2002
4:46 pm	A Lovely Day Well, it was very nice outside today. The sun was out...the temperature was up...and I was sitting outside in my shorts and a strappy tank top trying to get the first little hint of a tan. Heh. I doubt it worked, but I can only try. Heh. I'm fair complected. I was home alone and I felt very peaceful just sitting outside on the sun warmed back steps, my legs out in front of me, my book [Les Miserables] in my hand [and it weighs a ton, too], the quiet all around me. A cat wandered [from who knows where] in my yard and sauntered past me...didn't pay any attention to me. I felt very relaxed. But I did wish I had some sunglasses [I lost mine somehow]. I got out the basketball from our garage and went out to our basketball hoop and shot a few baskets. Probably my best sport...I'm no athlete. [side note: I beat Zach at basketball when I played him. ::laughs::] I hope the weather will stay nice like this. I really do. I love nice weather. And I love getting a tan. :) I can't wait to come home from school, yank on my bikini, and soak up the rays! :) I'm off to work on my Les Miserables presentation. :) Adios! Current Mood: energetic (love me)
Wednesday, March 13th, 2002
9:15 pm	Somewhere out there, there is something for me. Something so special and so wonderful that it will be like the day I won those Ricky Martin tickets two years ago for my art and poetry and jumped up and down screaming in the halls at school...and like seeing my name in print under a real published poem...and like a kiss that stops time...I feel it. One day there will be something for me like those things all at once. I have a lot of questions for you people now. Listen and answer, if you please. 1st Question for the day: Do you think there is something out there for you that is euphoric like that? 2nd Question for the day:Have you broken a heart? 3rd Question for the day:Do you think I'm stupid for liking Ricky Martin? Current Mood: indifferent Current Music: "Come What May" Moulin Rouge Soundtrack (8 hugs | love me)
Tuesday, March 12th, 2002
9:13 pm	I wish spring would come. With the sun on my shoulders today, out in my big backyard, picking some more snowdrops, I felt pretty good. Sunshine can do that to you. That's why so many people are depressed more so in the winter than in the summer. Not that I'm depressed. I'm actually quite well. I studied for Anatomy today for a loooooong time. I have yet another big test tomorrow. That class is my worst enemy. ::shudders:: I really just wish it would end and stop torturing me. My brain is so full right now that I could spout off facts about the peripheral nervous system at any second. I love to write. I love to write so much. It is my favorite thing to do. I derive so much pleasure from it. So much joy and satisfaction. So much therapy. So many things. I hope I am prepared for my test tomorrow. I feel like I am prepared...but I've thought that before. ::sigh:: I want to do well. Why doesn't everyone answer my questions of the day anymore? Current Mood: apathetic Current Music: slurping of some tasty soup:) (1 hug | love me)
3:19 pm	Ever wonder... Where you'll be next year at this time? You know what? I don't really know. I mean, I can guess, but I don't know how I'll be or what I'll be like, or how I'll be feeling, or anything. I can make reasonable guesses all I want, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm scared of the future. I know what I WANT...but what you want and what you get are two different things, as I'm sure you well know. The world keeps jumping around. It never stays in one place...it just jumps and jumps, throwing you into new places, new ways of thinking, and new situations. Why? Well, I have yet to find out. I like love best of all things. It's just such a wonderful emotion. Any kind of love. Question for the day: What makes the world go round? [The answers I recieve should be interesting...] Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: "Children of the Revolution" Moulin Rouge Soundtrack (1 hug | love me)
Monday, March 11th, 2002
9:02 am	Take the Which Poet are You? Quiz - brought to you out of boredom and pretention! Take the Which Poet are You? Quiz - brought to you out of boredom and pretention! Take the Which Poet are You? Quiz - brought to you out of boredom and pretention! (love me)
8:58 am	What Time Is It? Well, my watch officially stopped working. This morning, it read 11:05 when it was only 7:45. I don't know what its problem is, but now it's not working at all. It's shot. I need a new battery or a new watch. In any case...I'm going to be walking through the world today wondering what time it is. How frustrating... Current Mood: annoyed (love me)
Saturday, March 9th, 2002
9:44 am	Another morning has dawned... And here I sit at the computer. I hope today will be good...but I doubt it, for I have to study for AP Anatomy and do my AP American Government homework. Well, I guess the day is only what you make it. I had an interesting night last night. As anyone could tell by my entries of last night, I was feeling sad and lonely and all around discontent. Well, I was just sitting around, online, where I started talking to my good friend, and I kind of freaked out on him I guess. I don't know if that's the right word---but I was all upset before I started talking with him, so that when he and I got into a conversation and the conversation went where I wasn't particularly dying to go, I got more and more upset. He knew I was upset and told me to talk to him again in 15 minutes when I was calmer. I was upset and signed off. Then I sat there and started crying a little. I felt foolish and stupid. And I felt horrible about the way I was to him because it was so unlike me and he really didn't deserve any of it. I was sitting there feeling sorry and generally saddened, and the doorbell rang. It was about 10:15 at night so I was very curious as to who would be ringing the bell so late. My dad and mom, who had been watching a movie in the other room, went to see who was there. My mom came rushing into the room I was in and whispered frantically, "Arielle--it's Zach." I looked at her with an expression that could only mean, "What??!!" Why would Zach be at my door, for me, late at night? Why would Zach show up at my house AT ALL for that matter? I felt self-conscious all of a sudden because I had my pajamas on, which consisted of blue draw string sweat pants, socks and flip-flops, and a black tank top that had tiny straps and was kind of revealing. I didn't have a bra on, so I grabbed my sweater off the couch and put it on. Then I went to the front door. Apparently, when my dad let Zach in, my dad had said, "Is everything okay?" in a really concerned way. Haha...like Zach would come to MY house if things weren't okay. Haha. My parents left me alone in the room with Zach and I felt really embarrassed...first, for the way I was dressed...second, because he showed up unexpectedly and I knew it was for me...and third, because I didn't know exactly what I was supposed to say. I mean, I think Adam would've been really uncomfortable, if not mad, about the fact that Zach came into my house at 10:15 on a Friday night. Granted, it was a friendly gesture, but it was a very unusual one and Zach DID go out with me, WAS in love with me, and proves sometimes that he still IS. In any case, I was standing there trying to cover myself...and he hands me a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. He says, "I knew you weren't feeling great, so I brought you some ice cream to make you feel better. They didn't have your favorite [chocolate brownie] so I got the second best." I was all flustered then. I mean, it was uncomfortable as well as unusual. I took the icecream and my mom put it in the freezer. I thanked him and hugged him and told him he was so nice. Then I sat down and was silent and wondered what I should say. He stood there looking at me and told me I was beautiful even in the dark. I ignored his comment and told him to sit down or something. Now, his arrival and display of comfort DID make me feel better...I just wish somehow that it wasn't Zach who did it. Do you know what I mean? He asked me if I was okay and I said, "Sure," and he said something like, "Yeah right." And I started talking about my friend Jen who freaked out at me over something so stupid and he just sat there and listened. Obviously I couldn't talk to him about the other slice of life that was bothering me--Adam. Zach still doesn't officially know that Adam and are together and have been together for months. I doubt highly that I would have wanted to talk about Adam anyway. Even with anyone besides Zach. So, I talked and Zach listened. I made sure I was in one chair and he was sitting on the couch across from me. I wanted close bodily comfort, but not from him. I don't know if that sounds mean...but you've got to understand how I feel. He's obviously still got feelings for me and I don't love him; I love someone else. Still, he is a very close friend of mine and I love him in a friendship way. About 10:45, he left, and I was kind of relieved because it had been weird. I mean, for one, I NEVER expected ZACH to show up at my house to comfort me...and two--How did he know I needed comfort?? Well, my parents were a little weirded out, too...they say almost every day to me how much Zach still loves me by all the things he says and does. No doubt they probably like Zach better than Adam after this, but that's just not fair. I went back online after Zach had gone, and I was worried about Eric [the friend I'd signed off on] because it had been considerably longer than 15 minutes. I was in a much better mood after the Zach encounter and the show of comfort with the added bonus of tasty icecream. Eric was still on which relieved me. So, I resolved that. He made me feel better, too. I think I relate better to men. Is that weird? I mean, I have lots of girl friends, but I really think I relate better to men. They may not understand a lot of things, but they have this extra little sense that I crave in understanding. I've yet to find it in a female. Question for the day: Do you relate better to the opposite sex? Current Mood: contemplative (2 hugs | love me)
Friday, March 8th, 2002
8:15 pm	The longer I sit here, the sadder I become... I wish I had someone to talk to right now who wouldn't make judgements and who would comfort me completely. I don't know what I'd say, but I'd like to express my feelings in some way. I want physical contact in the form of love. Not sex. Just the comfort of arms around me. Why can't I have that? I shouldn't feel lonely, but I do. I feel like lying down and sleeping, but I'm not tired at all. I want to feel loved...why can't Adam love me love me? I feel so stupid and foolish and dumb. I feel...I don't know what I feel. But it doesn't feel lovely. I don't even know how to express myself right now, and that is very unlike me. I don't want to sound strange and depressing. I want to sound like me. But I'm not feeling so great. Current Mood: lonely (1 hug | love me)
5:17 pm	I could really use some love right now... Happy the man, and happy he alone, He who can call today his own: He who, secure within, can say: "Tomorrow do thy worst, for I have liv'd today."--Horace Today wasn't so great. I did everything I said I'd do except talk to Adam. He didn't say much on the way home and I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt in my mind, so I said nothing. I didn't want to start an argument. I just wish more than anything right now that I had a comforting shoulder to cry on. Someone to rub my back while I talk with my tears. Someone to love me. Not love me in my mind...show me love. I want that. I went outside a little while ago and picked snowdrops [the earliest blooming flower of spring]. I had a little bouquet of snowy whote in my hands and they are now sitting in a vase in the kitchen. It made me feel a little better being out there with the sun beating down on me, home alone, picking flowers. I'd like to cry, but I don't see how it would do any good. I feel so... Current Mood: listless (2 hugs | love me)
8:41 am	Well, it's come to this... I'm sitting in my first period class, yet I am on a computer, writing in my livejournal. I guess first period can't be too important. Next period, I have a Connections meeting [which, in case you don't know] is an organization that promotes drug free life amongst kids in elementary and middle schools. We visit little kids and do skits and stuff. A lot of people will be missing from that meeting today, though. They are at Debate. I could never be in debate. I'm too scared to talk in front of people. I don't even know how I'm in Connections. Heh. Third period is English and I won't have to do anything much because my AP English teacher is the coach of the Debate team and like I said, they're gone today. So I'll have a sibstitute. Woo hoo. ::rolls eyes:: Then I'll have lunch which is great because I am so hungry right now. I think they should feed us breakfast in school. I think I'd do a lot better. I'd be thinking about lunch less. Heh. I'm lucky I get to eat first lunch which is at about 11:00 am. That's really early, but I don't eat breakfast so it's okay. After lunch will be Art class...Art III to be exact. And I'm working on a new project. I don't like it very much, though. I need to get the reference letter from my art teacher for a scholarship I'm entering. I've got to remind myself. Maybe I should write it on my hand... When I write something on my hand, my dad always sees it at the dinner table later and yells at me. I can't do anything, can I? After Art, it's AP Anatomy. Woo hoo. ::rolls eyes:: My worst class. Definitely. We dissected sheep brains the other day. Not pleasant. Not pleasant at all. But better than the dead cats by far. Test in there on Monday and then another one in there on Wednesday! I don't know why she's bombarding us with two tests only one day apart. They are on two different things and I'm going to be going mad! I have stupid gym after Anatomy, where I think we're doing some stupid girly thing like yoga or aerobics. Heh. I don't even know if I spelled aerobics correctly. Then I get to go home. Home. Home. Home. But Adam will be taking me home...and I dread it a little. I've got to talk to him about something. Why is life being so stupid to me? Maybe someone [the right someone] will read this journal and say, "Hey, she writes well [not in this particular entry, but you know]. I think I'll give her a writing contract. She has a fresh young mind and she's an open individual." I wish. That would be like the greatest thing ever. I just realized my watch was reading the wrong time....I wonder how that happened. Just one more thing to add to a bad ditch in my road of life. Oh well. I'm such a complainer, aren't I? But this is my journal and I have to complain to someone. Someone. I'd complain to Adam, but I don't know what his problem is. I know he loves me, but he seldom shows it. I ask him questions and get the answers I want...but I shouldn't have to ask, should I? I kept telling myself it's the damn mono, but it can't be. I mean, maybe that's what made him start thinking about whatever it is he thinks about that makes him this way. But I can't help feeling that the way he's acting is only directed at me. I'm not wrong about this. I know I'm not. I don't want a fight. I don't want a big discussion. I just want to know what's going on. I think I deserve that. I have feelings and I can't live this way. I'm a woman and I want to be treated a certain way. I don't want things that are impossible or unreasonable in the least. I think, as far as girlfriends go, that I've been soooo incredibly patient and far more understanding than I should be. I don't know what's making him the way he is, but I wish I knew. I hope that asking will get me an answer... Current Mood: blah Current Music: chattering of the class (love me)
Thursday, March 7th, 2002
4:26 pm	CALLING ALL FRIENDS>>> Hey there...you MUST take my friend test if you haven't already:How well do you really know me?! Apparently my friends don't know the REAL Arielle well at all. Heh. I may be open...but do they really pay attention? Lol. Just kidding. Anyway, of course, those of you who don't know me except through LJ don't have to take it, hehe, 'cause you will fail miserably. Lol. Farewell, all. :) Current Mood: accomplished (1 hug | love me)
3:05 pm	Some days I'm so happy...and some days I'm so...not... "Life is made up of sobs, sniffles, and smiles, with sniffles predominating."--O. Henry You know, life is funny like that. I guess you all know that already, though. Don't you hate how life just twists and turns sometimes? I mean, not that my life is bad...because it certainly is not...but still...happiness can be just a flash sometimes...and I don't want it to be that way. Sometimes I feel like just staying in a little quiet shell...no talking...no smiling...just listening and taking everything in. Not being sad...just being there. Ever feel completely okay, but just not feel like talking? I used to feel that way a lot when I'd start off for work...and then I was afraid my co-workers would think I was stuck-up or too quiet or something. The thing is, I just wasn't in a talking mood. They did think I was too quiet, though. I mean, they liked me, but I was different than all of them. They did stuff I didn't do...they thought of me as cute sweet little innocent Arielle. Which I suppose I was in comparison to THEM. They made me feel like a baby, though...just because I was nice and quiet and liked things they didn't or didn't like things they did. ::sigh:: I mean, there were girls working there [at Wet Seal, a women's clothing store] who were younger than me, but I always felt like the youngest. They knew I was smarter than they were, so I think they thought of me as a goody two shoes. :( I mean, they'd remark about the classes I took, saying that they were such smart classes. And pretty much none of them had gone to college [the girls that were older than I was]. They just thought I was funny. I don't mean funny haha; I mean funny strange. One time, when they were talking about purses or something stupid and discussing what was in them, my manager [she was 21] joked that I probably had a notebook with poetry in it in mine. ::sarcastic laugh:: She was kidding and everyone laughed...but I did. I mean, so what? Poetry is great. So what if I like that kind of thing? So what if I'm more intelligent than they are? So what if I care more about real life than clothes and accessories? God, they made me blush all the time. :( Well, I don't know why I went off on that...but in any case, I don't work there anymore. I don't have a job right now because my mom thought it might be better for me to just finish my senior year by focusing on the school work and enjoying myself...and then in the summer get a job again. You know what I'd like to do to make money? It would be so easy, too...I'd like to do modeling. Just model for some local thing here or there. I know I could make money doing that, I wouldn't even have to really WORK...I mean, it's not like it would be something that would take away from a lot of my school work or anything. I think I could do it. I may not be gorgeous, but I'm pretty. Gosh, I wonder what it would be like to be the most beautiful woman in the world... Sometimes I really wish I WAS the most beautiful woman in the world. I just...I don't know...I mean, I'm not conceited...I know for a fact I'm very humble...but wouldn't it just be so great to be able to say to yourself that you know you are the most beautiful woman in the world? I think so. Question for the day: How come we get goosebumps all over our body anywhere...but not on our faces?..........I was thinking about that today, and I just don't get it. I mean, think about it...why is that? Is it because the face is always warm enough? Does anybody know??? Current Mood: apathetic (1 hug | love me)
Tuesday, March 5th, 2002
7:45 pm	WOO HOO I'm so happy tonight, but I think I might really have a one track mind. Hehe. I can't stop thinking about sex or things that have to do with sex. Hehe. I mean, I don't REALLY have a one track mind…but lately, jeez…I know I'm a sensual person, hehe, but it's like I'm a guy or something. ::laughs:: You know, I've never had sex yet. I've come close to it, but I've never done it. It must be like the funnest [yes I know funnest is not a word] thing in the world. I bet if I wanted to, I could write a really steamy sex novel. Lol. I mean, I can write…and I know things about that…and I'm creative…lol…it might turn our really exciting. Hehe. I must be in a really good mood tonight. It's fun to be in a good mood. ::smiles:: Ever want to be someone else for just one day? I do. Just for one day I want to be a really bold woman…the kind of woman who can wear really sexy things and not be made fun of…the kind of woman who walks down the street and catches every man's eye. The kind of woman who gets whispered about as she passes…whispers like "Isn't she beautiful? Isn't she sexy?" The kind of woman who can show cleavage and smile and wink provocatively and tease all the guys. The kind of woman every man wants. I want to be her for just one day. I'd like to soak up all the compliments I've received and have them all told to me in ONE day. ::Smiles:: That would be nice. ::smiles again:: I'm not sure what exactly makes me feel pretty…but it's a whole lot of things in a mix. I'm weird. I won't keep talking about this. I sound like a loon. ;) Question for the day: What kind of person would you want to be for just one day? Current Mood: horny (4 hugs | love me)