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i look all white but my daddy was black. [16 Dec 2001|09:18pm] been listening to the who and mates of state all day. got a new organ. a roland c-180. it's nice. and the guy at guitar center wants me so he knocked like $200 off the price. yeah. i have to confront my father in a meeting in three days. my brother is home. i'm going to see jessika soon. i'm gonna have surgery soon. mikey is coming here soon. i got to see my sister yesterday. she's getting so big. i cried all day today. i miss mikey. and jessika. and... jerry lee. but fuck him. i don't miss him now i miss what he used to be to me. but i now have someone who's better than jerry lee ever was. his name is mikey. his body may be sick sometimes but he loves me. he loves me for my insides. not my shoes or my hair or who i know. just me. and it feels good. cos it's autumn love just like that song says. jessika is so sweet. i dont get why she's so nice to me. she's always there. asking if i want her to call. i swear she's an fairy... i wish i could just help her fly. 1 comment|post comment

sex and making love are different. [13 Dec 2001|04:04pm] to me sex and making love are different. i've had lots of sex...never made love tho. (except i do consider the times me and jessika kissed and cuddled as making love...cos thats what we made. and it surrounded us and filled us up.) and that's what my last entry is about. how i wanna make love with mikey on new year's eve. i dont think people understood what i was saying. but fuck that... i dont need to explain myself... yeah... post comment

i just wanna make love to you... [12 Dec 2001|09:51pm] make love? i've never done that before but hopefully i will on new year's eve. yeah baby. 2 comments|post comment

cynical shmynical. [09 Dec 2001|07:34pm] so this person that i consider my friend is really mean sometimes. so cynical and sarcastic is makes me wanna throw up. i don't know why he's like this. maybe he's scared. but i'm hanging on the edge. i'm ready to fall. i dont think he cares tho. cos it seems as tho all he cares about is himself. he doesn't care that he hurts my feelings when he "jokes". whatever. it doesn't matter. he leaves in a year and then i guess that'll be that. post comment

it's too late....to say.... [05 Dec 2001|11:08pm] yeah dad it's too late to say yer sorry and that yer a changed man. cos the damage has been done. my scars will not erase with yer words and my heart will mend with yer fake tears. yer tears as thick as tar. i'll sit across from you and look out the window tell you everything i hate about you. and i will remember every time you hit me burned me kicked me raped me spit on me and i will make you remember i will pull you out of that drunken haze i will make you feel what i felt for all those years. you will remember. and you may not apologize. but you will see that little girl in the notre dame football shirt sitting in her bed everytime you think about sitckin' yer dick in some hole. post comment

it's too late....to say.... [05 Dec 2001|11:08pm] yeah dad it's too late to say yer sorry and that yer a changed man. cos the damage has been done. my scars will not erase with yer words and my heart will mend with yer fake tears. yer tears as thick as tar. i'll sit across from you and look out the window tell you everything i hate about you. and i will remember every time you hit me burned me kicked me raped me spit on me and i will make you remember i will pull you out of that drunken haze i will make you feel what i felt for all those years. you will remember. and you may not apologize. but you will see that little girl in the notre dame football shirt sitting in her bed everytime you think about sitckin' yer dick in some hole. post comment

and in the end... [30 Nov 2001|12:04am] a gun to his head. a knife to my throat. knowledge. tears. a fire. a flood in my car. a scrapped knee and papers everywhere. a broken heart thats starting to heal. the birth of a baby with my eyes. a mother who's going insane. an organ the color of red. a box full of letters. a speeding ticket from an undercover cop. a hot summer nite taking back the streets. a black eye. cuts from handcuffs. a kiss on the cheeck. a black mask on the road with a dead body inside it. a bottle of wine. a pizza with too may olives. a car on the curb. an embrace in the lites. paint under my nails. a song in my heart. this is all i chose to remember. post comment

and in the end... [30 Nov 2001|12:04am] a gun to his head. a knife to my throat. knowledge. tears. a fire. a flood in my car. a scrapped knee and papers everywhere. a broken heart thats starting to heal. the birth of a baby with my eyes. a mother who's going insane. an organ the color of red. a box full of letters. a speeding ticket from an undercover cop. a hot summer nite taking back the streets. a black eye. cuts from handcuffs. a kiss on the cheeck. a black mask on the road with a dead body inside it. a bottle of wine. a pizza with too may olives. a car on the curb. an embrace in the lites. paint under my nails. a song in my heart. this is all i chose to remember. post comment

the world was never meant for one as beautiful as you... [25 Nov 2001|11:08am] i feel like death is knocking on my door. maybe it's not coming for me but it's coming for someone or something. maybe just a part of me. that part of me that hates everyone i love. i'm sick of hating everyone i love just cos i don't know how to handle them. and i don't know how to tell them i need to be alone sometimes. instead i keep it inside then let it out in the thinest line of blood. i feel like a failure. a total and complete failure. mostly cos i have no ones support except for mine. all my ideas are shut down for being to big to extraordinary to crazy as they say. i wish i didn't need others approval so much. it would make like a whole lot easier. 4 comments|post comment

what ever happened to that sweet young chick who fell for the babe with the strap on prick... [23 Nov 2001|05:29pm] i feel so weird today. i went to the mall to buy pants but they were all ugly and too expensive so i bought some socks with cats on them. a boy stopped me when i was walking out of the mall and asked me if i was the one who spoke at the t(i)nc show. i said yes. and he said that he thought it was cool but that i'll never change stuff by just talking about it at shows. i told him how much money i raised and all the information i passed out. and he said it doesn't matter that stuff like that'll never change. i'm so sick of people telling me that i'll never change anything. everyone tells me that. they say it'll never work that i should just give up that our government is fucked and can never be overthrown or arranged. being surrounded by people who are telling me i am no good makes me wanna puke. blah. i am going to hang out with matt tonite. supposedly. i doubt he'll show. i wanna go get thai food with him and then show him my favorite park. he'd appreaciate it. and i wanna tell him all about mike and jessika... i hope he won't get mad. he wants me to go bombing with him i don't know if i will tho he always asks to go wheatpasting with me and when i say no he acts like i think he's not "anarcho" or "punk rock" enough to do it. and that's not it. that's not it at all. i don't let anyone go with me when i do street art. it's just something i like to do on my own. mike sent me a bunch of pictures of him. ones of him laughing and sleeping and looking confused. i love them all. he's so beautiful. and so is jessika. she sent me pictures last nite too. her hair is getting so long. i'm supposed to be there rite now but the mother said that my car wouldn't make it that far and if it broke down she wouldn't come pick me up. so i had to stay home. which sucks. i'm listening to the new mirah 7" and thinking about when jessika came to visit me and she puked in my aunt's car. it was funny. hehehehe. post comment

back in town. [21 Nov 2001|10:30pm] .I. my brother is home for the holiday's. it's weird. we don't talk about anything meaningful. "hi" "hi" "how's school?" "good." "that's good." "do you like the hives?" "yeah i think they rock." "yeah me too." "so...." "yeah..." the end. i cant look at him without thinking of all the times he hit me and how he's ruined my birthday the past two years in a row. .II. played a show tonite. well kind of. we played sputnik. i had fun. we didn't sound so great cos i had to put my keyboard of a short wobbly table and i could reach the mic from where i was but it was still a great time. .III. mike's home in new jersey now. he's gonna call me tonite. i can't wait. i miss his voice more than anything in the whole world. i hate tiffany. i really do. if i ever fuckin see her i will destroy her. not physically of course. but mentally. she sucks. .IV. jessika's friend brandon got out of the hospital. i'm worried about her. he's soo scary. the things he write about her. i wish i could steal her and bring her here so atleast she'd be one state away from him. .V. my dogs have fleas. it sucks. i think i have 'em too. .VI. i've been listening to mirah and the hives a lot. the hives make me dance mirah makes me cry and think about all the lovers i've had. and the one i hope to have. .VII. it's time for me to go to get in my flea infested bed and wait for mike to call. post comment

that was really... [18 Nov 2001|08:09pm] shitty of you to do to me. cover the phone up when she's gonna talk about me okay? don't act like i can't hear anything on yer end of the line. she's doesn't want me to come down to see you. and obviously you don't either cos you really didn't fight the issue too much. you gave in and just said "forget i said anything" you say you wanna change yer life and take control of it...but you let her walk all over you...all over us. you two broke up verbally but emotionally she still has you. post comment

family ties... [18 Nov 2001|01:44pm] today i want nothing more that to get out of this house and never talk to any of my family members again. some may say thats mean or wrong of me but i don't give a fuck. my family treats me like shit and i'm sick of it. once i get enough money i'm out of here and never coming back. post comment

the other woman. [14 Nov 2001|11:26pm] i'm the other woman now. i remember hating the other woman. i always thought bad thoughts about her. but now i am her. and it's kind of funny. post comment

die drama die. [12 Nov 2001|10:27pm] mike and his girl broke up. he says its not my fault. but i'm pretty sure it is. she probably hates me now. i'm worried about mike. i want him to come stay with me. maybe i could take care of him. but i can't even take care of myself... let alone anyone else... post comment

cos you'll never break...this heart of stone...oh no no [12 Nov 2001|04:58pm] number one. the international noise conspiracy show went well. raised a lot of money. met cool kids. inspired people to change shit. number two. me and kenny recorded. it sounds pretty good. we're gonna play sputnik on wed. number three. my friend mike is the bestest. he likes me like no other. which is good i think. maybe not... number four. i miss kat. she's coming home soon. i cant wait to see her and meet elena. number five. jessika is sad and i can't seem to make her happy. i feel like a failure. number six. i found all these pictures i had online of jerry lee. i can't stop looking at them and they make my eyes burn. number seven. i think i'm getting better. 2 comments|post comment

i have a new friend. [07 Nov 2001|11:33pm] his name is mike. he diabetic and he has a girlfriend named...um..i can't remember her name rite now. but thats irrelevant. he lives in st. louis. we talked on the phone tonite for 2 hours but his phone went dead so i'm waiting for him to come online...cos maybe his girlfriend is asleep and he'll let me call him back. post comment

this is ours and ours alone. [05 Nov 2001|08:33pm] i'm sick of this country. i wanna move to sweden where everyone actually does look the same. 3 comments|post comment

edited... [01 Nov 2001|07:18pm] cos i dont know anything about anything. post comment

i dont know. [01 Nov 2001|07:01pm] edited cos i dont know whats going on. post comment

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