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Thursday, February 28th, 2002
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7:47 pm
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i'm going to run away w/ laura for the weekend.. she's going to a fun retreat thingie... it's going to be like girlscouts again! yay!!... i need to get a hold of her still, cause they leave tommorrow, and this really is a last minute decision.. i'm full of those.. okayy.. no one answering the phone.. maybe they're all hiding at her house or something,, *flops onto the floor*.. BLAHHHH... i feel so BLAHH.. i have NO commitments.. blahh. nothing exciting that i even WANT to do for the evening.. oh i knoW! i could play SIMS!! yay! i love that game.. someone artsy and sophistocated once told me that he thought sims was SO fake.. playing w/ life, why not just experience REAL life, but he's all wrong cause sims is ReALLY the uLtImAte dOLL house.. it's like.. doll house taken to the extreme... ok ok.. that's what i'll do... if anyone sees this plea for "help rachel she's blahh and her email box is SO empty" , ya should email rachel.. because she's BLAHH and her box is SOOOO empty...
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| Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
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11:26 pm - empty boredom...
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my email box is pretty empty.. and i feel pretty empty.. blahh.. i'm probably just sleepy or something.. i never worked on my pre-cal hw.. but i Did put all my classwork stuffs into a binder finally, it'd just been cumulating into one big nasty pile.. so i found an old binder and made some folders for it out of legal size manilla file folders.. ya gotta cut em up and fold the bottoms so they're normal sized.. i also fixed my anatomy text book bookcover.. it was all cool lookin and i used brown paper bag material on it before.. but the brown paper bag stuff ripped up.. so now it's covered w/ duct tape.. reinforced underneath the brown paper w/ leftover cut up pieces of manilla file folder.. okay i feel lost and bored and sick and empty.. i could actually say.. that i feel.. OKAY.. just okay.. (i really hope no one is reading all of this).. why do i suddenly have so much spare time? oh yeah, i missed skewl today.. and.. i also missed my dentist appt.. but it's ok cause this time when i resceduled i wrote it on my calendar.. they want to clean my teeth.. i think the secretary felt rejected that i forgot about the appt.. like she all graduated from college to be rejected from some dumb highskewl girl who doesn't write shit in her planner.. i watched a fun walt disney movie today.. and this old cher movie.. both were like "look im happy, this is what it's like to be happy blah blah blah happy".. i have this icky sore spot under my tongue that won't go away.. i want a tweed hat.. i've been looking for one on the internet from l.l.bean.. but it's just not the same as grandpa's... i was telling laura that i should just steal grandpa's.. and then it'd be perfect, but she said it'd be like me stealin part of him.. and that wouldnt' be cool.. except i think it'd be okay because he only wears his hat so his head won't get cold in the winter.. so maybe if i buy him a new tweed hat i can steal his broken in one.. i think he got his from scotland though.. i dunno.. i feel like going horse back riding.. (is that what they call it? or is it like.. horse riding or something??) i haven't done that since i was like.. 10.. it'd be kind of nice.. i know people who have horses, but i don't think i'd get to go unless i looked really pathetic and asked em extra sweetly.. know what'd be more fun than that? dirt bike riding.. all in the dirt on a hot day.. that'd be fun.. and even more fun than that'd be sailling.. but what won't be fun at all would be watching little women again.. that dumb movie made me cry yesterday.. anyways.. i love all of you. i'm going to try to find something else i can be bored about..
current mood:  okay
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6:04 pm - college, hw.. jeans and stuff...
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i'm kinda sleepy and my head kinda hurts.. maybe i should make some hot tea and work on precalculus hw.. that kinda hw sucks. someone was just telling me that everyone is finding out that they got accepted to UT... and i still don't know.. but it makes me really nervous because i'm not the best student.. i'm pretty average.. i should probably apply to OU and OSU right away.. it'd be cheaper to go to one of those schools anyways.. it'd be cheaper to go to OSU even if i paid out of state tuition.. but i'm native american and my family people are alumni's to both schools.. i think i'll go have fun applying.. no.. nevermind i'm not going anywhere.. heh. i forgot.. i'm too lazy or something.. and not ambitious enough for anything at the moment.. know what does sound like fun? i have this pair of jeans that i wanted to alter.. because i got a hole in the knee and i'm allowed to mess em up if they're gonna be all holey and such.. i think i'll go do that.. (after precal and hot tea of course).. okay.. hugs and love and kisses and more love to everyone.. because i love everyone whether i want to or not..
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| Monday, February 25th, 2002
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5:16 pm - ...
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| Tuesday, February 19th, 2002
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3:41 pm - Portrait of an Artist
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i felt like writing in here. so i opened my lil livejournal box.. but now i don't.. i'm a lil cranky this afternoon.. i wasn't cranky this morning though.. i've been doing pretty well today, i just have an icky headache right now.. i think i'm going to make some hot tea and sit by myself (where i'm safe from harming others) and read Portrait of an Artist.. that dude in that book is SUCH a wuss.. i just wanna write him a letter.. "Dear Stephen (the char. in the book) suck it up, everything's gonna be okay.. take a deep breath and don't think so much about how cold water is, think about how happy you are to be alive, and how happy the world is, everything will be okay.. everyone will have justice at some point.. " or i wanna take the poor lil boy in the book and make him a fire and feed him beef stew.. and have him play with nicer boys instead of the mean boys at his school.. or maybe even girls.. he's sucha lil wuss i think he may get along with girls better.. (not that there's anything wrong with sweet wussy lil boys) i'm sure he'd make any mom very proud because he's so sweet..a nd probably not obnoxious at all.. but it's so frusterating as someone reading the book to read about all the crap the kid goes through without any way of making him better.. kinda like being helplessly not able to help the characters in movies.. it's frusterating to watch.. "look behind you" ya shout at the screen... "don't trust hIM!".. but to no avail.. because the characters can't hear ya raych.. theyr'e on a screen.. it's an image with some sound added... and ya know what? the story isn't even real, someone made it up... it's too bad that the story in the book is somewhat real.. it's based on real memories at least.. maybe i should write a book that's a supplement to portrait of an artist.. i'll rewrite the book sorta but completely different.. i'll write it as stephen ( the char. in the book) 's imaginary friend.. that way every time the character is cold.. the imaginary friend can be like "stephen was cold today, but it's okay because i brought him a warm blanket" "stephen was in the infirmary today, but it's okay because we played checkers all afternoon and laughed and ate chocolate ice cream".. then it'd be less painful to read.. and it'd be like contributing to make the story less pathetic.. ok i won't rewrite an entire book, i'll just insanely scribble lil notes on post its and add it to the book.. very much like shouting at a screen, but with sticky notes instead.. wow.. i'm really losing it.. i think i need a nap.. it's just annoying to read about this sweet little boy's problems and to not be able to at least hug him or help him.. is that completely weird of me? okay it is but oh well.. maybe i'll be more "involved" in the novel if i scribble sticky notes everywhere.. that actually sounds like fun.. *hugs and stuff*.. off to pout on my own.. - raych
current mood:  annoyed
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| Monday, February 18th, 2002
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5:19 pm - wierdness and whatnot
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everything is working out much better now.. i was a lil pouty last i wrote so i thought i'd write a happy the whole world is wonderful entry too ta counter-act the frowny why must i be victomized by this world of ours entry.. i went to the dentist today.. i thought i had a cavity about 2 weeks ago cause my teeth really hurt when exposed to hot and cold.. so i go in today.. and my teeth didn't hurt anymore in that spot.. and the dentist poked at them awhile, and was finally like.. "ummm.. there's nothing wrong... oh but you need to have your teeth cleaned".. most people dont' even have their teeth cleaned or know what that means i think.. dentists say you're supposed to have that done every 6 months because no matter how well ya clean your teeth there'll always be build up and so on.. but they say that and i know people who haven't been to the dentist in forever or their entire lives and their teeth haven't fallen out yet.. actually their teeth look pretty good.. i had the weirdest dream last night. i asked around all day about it because it was haunting me.. i had another one of those "i'm pregnant" dreams.. some girls get them really often.. i asked sharon if she ever had them and she said "ALL the TIME".. so i'm not the only wierd girl. anyways, in my dream, i was this age.. a very bad age to be pregnant at.. and i was 3 months pregnant and already starting to show.. it was just weird. oh.. i finished steve's painting yesterday.. well not *completely* finished.. i still want to add a few final finishing touches here and there, but it looks *really* good i think, and i wish i could show it to you guys but i don't know a website that i can post it on here from.. i've had a cold for awhile and it's really bugging me.. this last weekend was *so* wonderful.. i had the best time ever w/ steve.. here everything was all wierd and i was feeling all confused and it all really made sense to me this weekend and i felt really happy about it.. my good friend Holly is in town from BYU.. we've been thinking and planning on taking pictures together.. she's a photo buff too.. i think i should call her.. and i have to drop off the movie Titus.. it's late, and i had it rented for my research paper that was due last week on Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus.. i made an 88. i wanted an A though so i was mildly disappointed.. what was cool was that the teacher graded mine amongst the first papers... i like to imagine that she picked it out of the stack and read it first because she was *so* inspired to read my wonderful paper.. (hehehe probably not, it was probably at the top of the stack).. mann one of my best friends broke up w/ her boyfriend this weekend.. and here i thought she was strong nad that she'd do great and be happy and she could handle it.. and i was actually thinking her breaking up would be a good move.. and now she's miserable.. and i don't know what to do.. i just want to fix her lil broken wings and set her back out to fly.. i have the sudden urge to wear big goddy earrings.. poor lil friend of mine.. i should just take her some chocolates or something.. i've been debating on whether or not to varnish steve's painting.. so i did a lil bit of research and the consensus is to not varnish it or to wait.. and they say that the colors will probably slowly turn yellow which is an icky image to even think about.. (actually that probably won't happen cause a lot of the paitns are like.. 20 years old and they're still in nice condition).. i'm going to call hollie and take pictures w/ her.. i love you all.. take care *huggles and stuff to my favorites*.. kisses to stephen and such.. - love- raych
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| Saturday, February 16th, 2002
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12:02 am
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i feel so moody today.. feminine moody too.. my day was kind of weird and interesting.. and since i feel unusually lonely for 10 on a friday night i think i'll share it with the journal.. my photo teacher declared me a genius today for taking her class pass fail and passing by one tenth of a point.. it was sheer accident, i really thought i'd failed and felt pretty darn stupid.. but it's like.. i don't like the assignments all that much.. my english teacher when i was telling siobhan that my photo teacher declared me a genius , she said "how perceptive of her".. wasn't that nice? especially because it was before my english teacher heard what *reallY* happened.. that my photo teacher thought i was brilliant for the ways that i can get away with slacking.. of course she's the teacher that knows when i'm late for first period because i usually bring her muffins along with anyone else who showed up on time for first period and had to skip breakfast because of it. and she knows how unusually minimal the concequences for my tardiness have been.. it felt really good to have two of my teachers tell me that they think i'm a genius.. i would never use that term to describe myself.. that was really nice.. i just have that icky i wanna cry feeling in my throat.. i don't even have anything to cry about really, it's mostly hormones.. i suppose i could think horrible things about relationship stuff.. that's always depressing.. or about how i'm at that icky stage in my life right now where i don't really know where i'm going.. a lot of people seem to think i'm going someplace good though.. that's a nice thing for a lot of people to think.. not that it will even matter what they think in the long run unless they're thinking i rock and are hiring me.. or unless they think i'm "going someplace" and it forms some sort of good thing to help me.. maybe it's just nice some time for people to think something nice.. but it's like.. if everyone tells you that you're beautiful, and you don't feel beautiful yourself.. them telling you that they think you're beautiful won't mean all that much.. it's like ya gotta learn it for yourself.. it is nice sometimes though.. especially if you're feeling paticularly ugly that day.. or if it's coming from a close friend or loved one.. my bro and i dropped off this girl today.. she seemed really nice.. i felt like i could be friendly with her right away and that's pretty rare.. ok that's not true. i usually feel like i can be friendly with *ANYone*.. but she was pretty friendly back so that made it extra nice.. i wish someone were online that i could talk to right now.. i suppose i could talk to richard.. hehehe.. i msged him "hey, are you bored and pouty about it?" hehe... cause I AM!.. richard's a big goof ball online.. he really understands the mind of a true geek.. my b/f needs to talk to me more.. or call me more.. or something.. because i really understood that he was coming home this weekend, and he understood that i was coming to austin.. and i didn't realize how much he wanted me to come to austin until i read this email just now about how he really thought all along that i was going to austin.. the distance sucks.. and the distance wouldn't suck if we talked a little more... it's like.. the connection between us just fades away during the week.. then the weekends are always SO nice and i feel so depressed by monday.. sometimes i feel like i dont' get to talk to him enough on the weekends too.. he's always got other commitments.. i suppose i have other commitments too, or at least i COULD have other commitments.. does that make me a big loser, that i don't have other commitments.. i think i'm just not supposed to be in relationships because i always put them WAY first.. like.. i was afraid of doing anything all evening because even though i know he won't be home until late, it's like i'm afraid he'll show up while i'm not home.. (i ended up talking to nice friends online and forgot what i was talking about) friends are nice.. i have a lot of really great guy friends.. gary and huan.. and travis.. and tony.. that's all who i ended up talking to.. they're all sweeties.. all full of good advice and considerate and caring.. and they listen to my problems and such.. they're so great. i don't even pay them back really.. well huan and i spend a lot of time talking about things.. but travis.. when he has problems i don't always listen.. and gary.. i know i don't always listen to his problems.. more often i listen to his than travis's tho... anyways.. i think i'm running a fever and steve's here.. *hugs to all* bye!
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| Sunday, January 20th, 2002
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8:25 pm
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i haven't written in forever.. probably for a pretty good reason.. and i'm only writing now because i'm bored and can't find the solitaire game on this computer.. that's a little sad isn't it? after spending a weekend at a college i've almost decided just not to go.. maybe it'll be ok... it's like that's all i went to highschool for.. so i could go to college.. i lost two dollars today.. somewhere between this all boys dorm and the jester store.. i was pretty embarrassed after the third time i checked every single pocket on my jeans.. i'm going to try to find the solitaire again... bye guys..
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| Wednesday, November 28th, 2001
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6:33 pm - AIM flamer
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"Your buddy list and alerts are currently not available, but they have not been lost. Please try again later." i don't exactly understand this "try again later" thing.. try again later in 10 minutes? or in 10 years? i've been using AOL Instant Messaging services for years now.. i have a very extensive buddy list. i was concerned that my program had a bug or a virus.. sometimes there are creeps out there.. but when i went to a different computer i received the same warning sign.. i'm fine with losing my entire buddy list. the list of names isnt' *NEARLY* as important as being able to talk to my friends and my boyfriend who lives two hours away. So, when i found out that i couldn't send a message to any of my friends whose screenames i had memorized i became seriously frusterated. "AOL Instant Messenger(SM) cannot send this message because you have blocked the recipient. You can change this setting on the Privacy tab of the Preferences dialog." There isn't a single black spot of a letter under the privacy and the "blocked" list.. nothing there.. i don't have anyone blocked, i can't message anyone. all the other services of your useless program work. why is it that the "easy to use" "America's #1 choice" service has screwed me over so royally? if you wish to help me in the way that your so called "useful" program is supposed to be helpful, please e-mail me. Otherwise, you guys truly need to get your act in line, because if you've messed up with me, *surely* you've screwed over several other thousands out there the exact same way. this is completely unsatisfactory. If AOL intends on maintaining its "user friendly" reputation, it better get its act together and learn *REALLY* soon what "USER FRIENDLY" means.
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| Sunday, November 18th, 2001
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11:25 pm - "because everyone knows that church coffee is TAN"...
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that right there sums up basically the entire funeral.. it was truly touching.. cousin emily said a few things, ken said a few things... it was a sweet little ceremony.. i got to spend *lots* of time with the family afterwards.. ken and barb made to be excellent hosts as they warmly opened their home to the entire extended family for after the funeral.. their son baby Max was absolutely adorable and other than slightly overwhelmed , he was very energetic and enthusiastic to show off how he can jump from a chair and such to his new friends.. i got to see the distant distant relatives that we almost never see.. my cousins have all grown to have such vibrant contrasting personalities.. i'm going to see all of them later this week.. *goodie*!!! bex was feeling a tad sour, probably because she's really stressed out about finals and all sorts of other ick skewl work along w/ thanksgiving poutyness and boy stuff.. that's okay though because i really love becca and will always love becca no matter what or how sour she may be feeling or acting and all that other stuff. when we drove home from way up where the grandparents are, we stopped by austin to drop becca off and the family took stephen out to dinner so i got to see him.. he was so warmly happy and glad to see me and such.. i was really hoping he'd be online right now.. but maybe he's helping becca in her sour mood get past her projects.. i think i need to call him actually.. on his cell.. just in case he's trapped at becca's with her being sour.. although he's really good at dealing with her being sour, he seems to jsut shrug it off.. i'm looking forward to getting to spend time w/ steve's sis and mom.. i'm really happy to have him in my life .. i was kind of dissapointed today though, because i was going to find some way to spend some time in austin monday and tuesday so i could goof off with him for two days.. but becca was so iffy, and the grandparents will be in town on tuesday.. (well, so will becca and stephen).. actually i think it all would have worked out if becca hadn't been so grr about whether or not i just crash at her apartment.... i think she forgets that i have other friends in austin that would be glad to have my company.. (just because she lives there doesn't mean it's her city).. i'm sorry if i'm venting too much about my dear sister.. she's truly a sweet heart and i know she doesn't mean any harm by any of her words.. she's just been in a very trying mood all weekend.. hey.. to completely change the subject.. i had a kickass dream this morning...
My Kickass Dream:
i dreamt that i went sailing... i'm so incredibly passionate about sailing.. i love it so much and it makes me feel so much like i'm one with the wind nad the water and such.. anyways.. i dreampt a friend of mine and i had a hobie cat.. (for you non sailors who don't know what this is, this is basically a catameran/ a pontoon boat with two pontoons and a trampolene type material binding the two pontoons together and a great big sail) .. i hope that description made sense.. but anyways.. in my dream i went out sailing with the friend early in the day.. and then we got just exhausted.. and we went back home.. but i just left my swim suit on all salty and gross (cause on hobie cats when ya sail em ya get real wet).. and every time we just wanted to go sailing after that we'd jump up and run off.. it was *SO* nice to be out on the water again.. just.. flying with the ocean and the wind and everything.. it felt SO wonderful.. it just makes me feel alive to even think of it.. there was a storm coming the third time we went sailing in my dream so we had to take down the sails, and then we were worried that we wouldn't make it back to the shore where all the other boats were, but the wind was moving us the right direction.. then i dreampt that i was watching an art class draw and paint and i just muttered "i want to be in art four" and a nearby art teacher challenged me by saying that i'd have to be pretty talented to be in art four.. then i looked at one of the drawings this girl was doing, and i said "well i can draw what she's drawing". and the art teacher was like "oh really? i'd like to see you try" or something like that.. so i did a perfect copy of my friend's drawing.. and the teacher seemed pretty impressed.. and then i told the art teacher that i coudl show her some of my paintings i did at home too... i felt pretty cool in my dream to be all accepted into art four.. plus i got to do LOTS of sailing.. i wish i could dream i went sailing *every* night...
i woke up today talking to evan about sailing.. and about how he broached the boat.. (that's when the sailboat catches the wind all wrong while sailing down wind and it just falls on its side completely so all the sails get wet and the whole boat is 90 degrees to the water).. evan and i went sailing a few summers ago together and evan made the boat broach (or is it breech??) it's been so long i can't hardly even remember.. and i remember how mr gun almost fell off the boat and this kickass chick emily who was with us just calmly grabbed onto the nearest thing she could hang from and very calmly just hung for awhile over the water.. hehehehe.. it just tickles me to remember all of that.. hehehe it was so funny.. it's like ya hear someone say "grab onto something!!" and.. hehehe.. before ya know it eveythings sliding into the water if ya don't grab it first.. i love the ocean so much.. i think i want to take stephen to keema or to galveston just to sit and watch the waves one evening... maybe we could make a date of it.. that would be really nice.. i *SO* much want to go sailing now.. of course it's getting kind of chilly out to be going sailing now... i thought about calling up this guy kevin who i know is in galveston right now and asking him if he could maybe take me with him sailling one weekend.. i used to be in this program that'd go sailing all the time.. but i sort of drifted away from attending the weekly meetings and such.. anyways.. i'm sleepy and want to get a hold of steve before i crash.. *hugs and love to all* night! - raych
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| Wednesday, November 14th, 2001
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9:04 pm - Nanny...
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hello world... i'm *REALLY* sleepy and should probably be in bed even though it's only 8:30... great grandma passed away this morning.. when i say that people's response is usually sadness and "oh my i'm sorry" sort of things, but i think it's lovely that she got to go where she's wanted to go ever since her husband passed away.. i tell these "sorry" people how i'm actually kind of happy.. i mean you have to see this from my perspective.. i wasn't extremely attached to her.. she's always lived in my memories.. she's a sweet old lady (when she's not getting in fights with the staff at the nursing home) and that's just it... she's been in a nursing home.. i know some people who think nursing homes are great.. maybe they haven't seen the one that Nanny has stayed at... it's so depressing.. the most depressing thing ever.. i think visiting her sometimes is worse than visiting a relative in jail or something... just because the environment is so icky, and there's not much for lil old ladies after a few strokes to talk about.. and i always feel pressured to carry on a conversation with this woman who forgets what i just told her every five minutes.. sure i remember how she used to be... her house was always extremely tidy and smelled almost like potpourri.. i suppose it smelt like how one would expect classic old ladies to smell.. she always seemed to worry about nit picky perfection sort of things.. and she always told me how she thought i was perfect.. .. i almsot even felt pressured to be perfect sometimes.. but i kind of think she was just silly when it comes to her perfections.. Papa's death.. now that was a sad funeral.. everyone loved Papa.. he had a HUGE heart.. but towards his later years his sight faded.. and he just... well his death was unexpected.. he didn't have to wait out his years in a nursing home.. not like how nanny did.. and if you ask me she got off lucky, some have clung on to life for years, confined to a bed.. just slowly fading... it's the thanksgiving season.. i was really looking forward to getting to see my family already, and now i just get to see them all sooner, plus a little more of my family than i usually see... thw whole huge family... i'm really looking forward to it actually.. does that sound morbid or anything? i hope not.. my friends in my last class today told me they thought it was rude of me to honor someone's passing because they may be hurting over the loss of another.. maybe.. i know there are such things as sad deaths.. grandma always told me though, "never cry because someone died, only cry because you miss them".. that has always made a whole lot of sense to me.. crying over death sometimes can seem like crying over spilt milk.. i mean it happens all the time, usually on accident.. and you're lucky if you already have paper towels ready and such. but.. crying over losing a friend or a loved one.. that's completely different.. like losing a friend.. that always hurts.. i just remember the last conversation i had with nanny.. she asked me like.. 10 times what i wanted to do when i went to the lake house.. and i told her 6 times that i wanted to eat watermelon, 2 times that i wanted to jump in the lake with all my clothes on, and 2 times that i wanted to jump off the porch on a HUGE rope swing.. every time i answered she grinned giddily and went on about how she wished she could come along. every time, the rest of the family looked at me like i was insane, or bad for lieing to nanny, or bad for "humoring her" like a little girl.. it was true though, that's what i wanted to do.. what actually happened was i had to help clean the lake house for a couple hours and then it was bedtime.. but still, it was nice to see her giddy and happy.. all the distant relatives on mom's side of the family will be there.. it may be the last time we even see some of them.. Like the Morgan boys.. they're these 3 hotties who all 3 look like hilander and are a good amount older than us 5 girls (me, my sis, cousin jenny, cousin emily, and cousin bethany).. i remember at Papa's funeral the church held a sort of brunch, and cousin jenny whispering in my ear "oh my, i'm having indecent thoughts in a church!" and gesturing to one of the morgan boys .. *grins*.. i'm so excited about all of this... anyways.. *hugs and kisses to the world*.. i think i made my point.. it's a relief to know that Nanny can be with Papa now, and to know that she didn't have to suffer and that she's had a long fufilling life, and to know that she didn't have to spend more time uncomfortably in a nursing home... i apologize if i've offended anyone with my feeling relieved about this sweet old lady's passing, but really.. you have to understand.. her time had come..
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| Tuesday, November 13th, 2001
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4:39 pm - fun with college essays...
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ok.. i know since you guys *LOVE* reading dumb stuff, that you'll thoroughly enjoy my college essays.. heck i'll even put up the prompt.. :P *Grins menacingly* here ya go:
College Essay A:
prompt: Describe a challenge to which you have successfully responded. What did you learn about yourself as you responded to this challenge? Describe a challenge you anticipate facing in any aspect of college life. On the basis of what you learned from your earlier response, how do you expect to deal with this challenge?
essay:
Living tends to involve these tedious irreversible patterns. Little daily rituals done the exact same way, so incredibly routine that life becomes a long boring drone of watching time tick. I found myself in this monotonous pattern: wake up, go to school, go to classes, go home, and do homework. Part of my dreary ritual was thinking, "Wow, I really think it would be great if I could go sailing someday." Of course, that particular someday, just like everyone else's someday, was an event that anyone could easily assume would never come about.
I went through my days just waiting for that someday to happen, everyday adding a little bit more to the dream of maybe getting to go sailing "someday." One day, however, I finally turned to a friend of mine at lunch and asked him if he would take me sailing. Coincidentally, my special someday turned out to be "this weekend", because this friend just so happened to be a sailor in a Sea Explorer division of Boy Scouts. So, that block that holds all of us back, where we make excuses of why we cannot do something, that block that prevents everyone from doing the one thing they have always dreamed about, I defied that block and molded a dream that had been living in my head for years. I learned how to capture the wind and the water, to ride the watery crescents of the ocean, to forge ahead in torrents of rain, all because I took the risk and the strength it takes to mold my dream.
From this accomplishment, I learned I could do this with anything I really have dreamt about. All it takes to tackle the cravings that dreams procure is a little hope and the daring will to confront monotony with imaginative aggression. Now that I have learned that all I need to do to make a dream come true is to just do it, no silly little "I don't have time" excuse will stop me ever again. Possibly, when in college, I may run into that routine again, where I find myself dreaming more than doing, but I know now that if I run into that pattern again, all I have to do is get out of my dream and make it happen.
College Essay B:
Describe and evaluate one experience that significantly influenced your academic interests. The experience might be a high school course, a job, a relationship, or an extracurricular activity. Be sure to explain how this experience led to your setting the goals you now have for yourself, and why you think the academic program for which you are applying will help you to reach those goals.
essay:
The button helped patch my life dreams back together. It proved to me my creative potential and showed me how someone can earn a living doing something they love. This is important because adults like to pressure kids with questions. Questions such as "How old are you?" or "What's your favorite ice cream?" or more importantly, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Now go ahead and try to answer them with anything other than the three big jobs that make adults think success: a doctor, a lawyer, or the President. They usually don't handle this too well. I was always ready to reply "an artist." Adults always twisted their faces and told me how artists don't make any money. Adults always scratched their heads and moved the crayon box away another nudge. Adults always looked down on the big wide eyes of youthful imagination and said that anyone with any sort of sense will become a doctor, a lawyer, or maybe even an engineer. I tried not to listen to them. I didn't listen to them either, up until the third grade.
The third grade is a year full of pressures, or at least that's how I remember it. My passion for art was exploding and I produced a series of paintings with my brand new box of watercolor paints. I felt proud of my little masterpieces, until I bumped into a competitive rival. She, too, desired to be an artist, except she had expensive private lessons and painted in acrylics instead of flimsy watercolors. As soon as I felt that her paintings were far better than I felt mine would ever be, I quickly became discouraged. I started to listen to those adults who said that it's best to achieve one of those jobs that screams success to society. I began to set my paints aside, and I endured an artist's block of seven years. Seven years of creative artist blockage only breached with little doodles on notebooks or collages made on book covers or walls while my dream of becoming an artist lived on.
After seven years of deterring my creative energies, I decided that maybe photography would release my compulsion to create. This is when the button and I became friends. The button that makes a satisfying click on a sunny day. The button that captures an image, a flash, or a moment, and guilds it into art. The button that sculpts two-dimensional masterpieces out of our three dimensional reality taught me that creativity could come at just the click of the shutter release on a camera. Through photography, I learned that it oftentimes is creativity that makes the difference between a snap shot and a photographic work of art. Oftentimes, creativity is the difference between making a painting or an image, and having a job. The button showed me that a different angle or view of something ordinary could make something new. Photography became my passion. The button continues to teach me with every satisfying click, my ability to create what I yearn to see while developing creative abilities. I even felt confident enough to once again pick up painting and found myself molding beauty and grace out of Mom's thirty-year-old Grumbacher oil paints. I realized that even though our adults and society pressure so much for one of those big important "success" jobs, the world yearns for more creative input increasingly every day. With this new desire to push the button in photography, I've found that I can become what I've always wanted to be: an artist.
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4:22 pm - handmade wallpaper...
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hello WorLd!!!.. i'm having fun playing with the scanner and such.. if i knew how to put in the pictures i take i *would*.. i have this lil art project thingie i've been working on.. here's how i made it.. u guys gotta understand enlargers to some extent.. but i took a black sheet of construction paper, and cut out like.. big blobs and shapes to make it look like a profile of a guy staring out into the horizon with a sun and coulds... then i made a print in the enlarger of the ocean.. enlargers in photography take the negative and shine light through it to make a positive. on the photo paper the spots that get lightstruck turn dark, and the places on the paper shielded from the light stay white.. so i took my holy black construction paper and put it on top of the print of the ocean, and sent a lot more light through it.. so now all the places on this picuture of the surface of ocean water where i had cut out on my construction paper turned darker.. ThEn.... i went to go develop the print in the chemicals.. and much to my dissapointment the print was too light.. so i re did the *entire* process.. and.. the print was too dark.. i decided tho that this wasn't a mistake i could still fix it.. so i took the light print and the dark print and had them sprayed so i could hand color them... prisma colors work on black and white photo prints if ya use this special spray stuff that basically just gives it texture... so i took the sprayed two prints, one too light, one too dark, both of the ocean with a shadow of a profile of a guy's face looking out towards the clouds and sun.. and i cut both the prints radially around the sun... and sort of like.. interchanged them, light then dark then light.. so it looked like the sun was beaming.. with the lighter beams and the darker beams.. all like.. radial to it and stuff... and then i colored the lighter beams warm sunny tones and the darker beams cool bluish tones... i didn't finish it quite but i think it looks best like.. half finished.. (my friend richard told me to LEAVE it adn i didn't) but.. i think i shoulda or something.. anyways... i scanned it in and set it as my wallpaper on my puter.. and it looks so awesome!!! i'm so giddy about it.. i'm *SO* picky about wallpaper too... (if ya wanna see it you can msg me or something and i'll show ya).. it's not like i'm afriad of people stealing ideas... anyways.. i just thought i'd share that... ... ... *suddenly finds her lil livejournal excursion sorta pointless*.....
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12:18 am - distant ramblings and such...
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happyness.. i am happy. la la la... happy happy happy... life is good.. and.. it's ... happy... because i am happy.. happy happy happy happy.. i wasn't happy earlier today tho... some fucking asshole rear ended my lil bro.. i bet if ya check out nyee's lj you'll see how pissed he was... *whew* it was yucky... and a friend of mine fed me a piece of ginger root.. like... a piece of candied ginger root... turns out you're not supposed to swallow it or something... it bUrNs... all of my insides BuRn.. it's so NaStY!!... never EVER eating any ginger again.. adam is getting a lIVE jOURnal!! awesomeness!! so *everyonE* needs to post a comment on adamalski's new journal because he's really really cool and fun and nice and... all of the above plus some more... (he's going somewhere even if he doesn't think he is right at this moment) but we all know otherwise.. stephen *sniffles a lil at the beauty of it* you're so wonderful!!! and... you are so.. totally .. causing me to slowly turn into an insomniac with severe homework accomplishing problems.. because i'd rather talk to you than eat or sleep even if it's like.. on the computer.. or on the phone.. in really crappy uncomfortable conditions.. even if .. we're not talking... i can't imagine this being healthy i'm sure... OH.. i wanted to post my college essays... here.. i'll like.. send this and then post them in a sec.. today a friend stopped by the house because he was upset and had no other place he could think to go.. i just want to say how special it is to me that i have friends that even if i don't talk to them for a long while they feel comfortable stopping by in the middle of the day if they're upset.. he's online now.. i'll distract him w/ pics of naked people.. *evil laugh* he said "what the hell?!" "geez rachel" .. hehehehehehe.. that was funny.. ok ok. maybe i don't always handle sad people too well.. but isn't it cool that he stopped by? of all places to go.. my house is safe.. that's awesome... i *SO* should be doing big important homework right now.. cause that's what my future is ALL about ya knoW?!! *remembering all the important shit*... scary.. very scary actually.. i'm screwed.. advisory period?? yEs.. there's hope for me still... mAN i feel sick.. ginger root= DOn'T sWaLlOW!!!!!... it... gives ya.. tha... ... well .. it makes.. the world move a bit faster on the insides.. you know what i'm crazy about?? HARRY POTTER!! i LOVE those books.. i got so into them when i read them.. they made me SOOO hAPPY!!!.. i just got completely entranced with the world of harry.. adn i totally forgot that it wasn't real.. i thought it was real by the time i finished the fourth book.. so now when i walk through a store and they have a harry potter something, i think it's REAL.. every time *grins*.. i saw the previews for it.. and.. i just wanted to cry at the beauty of it.. it's exactly how i imagined harry potter to be like.. ALL of it.. exactly like it.. it's amazing.. i love it *sniffles*.. my friend says that comic books got him a 750 on his SAT verbals.. my great grandma is supposively dieing tonight... so i blessed a little white candle's flame to help protect her in her passage... i thought it seemed like the nice thing to do.. it's probably one of the most peaceful looking flames you'd ever see.. HUGE and bright and completely still, swaying a lil from moment to moment... and.. not very hot at all.. warm.. but warm like how hot tea is warm.. you could stick your finger in it, but not for too long if it just got off the stove cause it was just boiling... i think it's probably very cold for a flame that's about an inch and a half tall.. i wish steve were here to see this.. actually i probably wouldnt' have done it if he were here, blessed the candle i mean.. because... i'd be distraced and goofing off.. i'll show him one of these days... i keep having lil flashes of dreams i've had... interesting dreams.. i was thinking of maybe waking up *extra* early and getting on here JUST so that way i could write about my dreams.. (just was reminded once again NEVER to eat ginger root).. it's like an all natural laxative.. ok nevermind it's really really late now.. and i can't post the college essays tonight.. i'll do it tommorrow... *hugs to all* i'm so sleepy.. if my house burns down tonight.. you guys will like.... i dunno.. put my ashes like in the ocean right? or like... help me find a new teddy bear.. cause... teddy bears are real sweet... and i love mine... and i'm pyrophobic and have always been afriad of being separated from teddy if the house were to catch fire (when i was like.. 6 this was my greatest fear).. i don't know why tho.. i'm a dork... it won't ever happen i don't think.. not with all the non flammmable cloth they make these days right?!!... heheh.. i'm just being a nerd and worrying about dumb stuff again.. *hugs to all again*.. thanks stephen for being a sweetheart.. night!
current mood:  sleepy
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| Saturday, November 10th, 2001
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4:42 pm - a BadGe of CouRage for Tony
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tony.. hang in there.. you have SOOo many happy mornings, green lawns, and happy life to wake up to.. you're a flyer!!! i know you're probably just a lil frowny because... it's getting near christmas... and because it's your birthday.. and.. that's... friends and family time.. but you know what?!! you're a SUPER hero.. you have years in college and stuff to play... *big big hugs*... (back to talking bout myself :P ) i've had the most wonderful night.. lots of snuggles.. i opened my email today faced with the confrontation of ex boyfriends.. two of them... how interesting no? well that means there's... ONE that i haven't heard from.. i'd rather.. like.. be bolemic or something horrible than hear from that one though... steve's back *hugs to all* bye!
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, November 4th, 2001
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11:36 pm - romance?
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it's one of those sunday evenings where.. ya know ya got that.. homework.. that ya didn't want to do on THuRsday.. that was due FRIday.. and.. THEN you remember that test that ya also didn't take on friday cause ya called in sick and all.. and of course you have the strangeness of the weekend still in yer head... despite all of my "i'm destined to be single" thrashing about... it seems that.. i'm not single... how.. odd... i suppose.. i don't know what to say... so how about one big question mark?.. it's just.. i dunno.. my life likes to throw me curve balls... i think i can catch this one but it's a bit tricky.. all of this is.. so anyways.. the.. first guy i ever fell in love with.. the first guy i ever kissed... and the first guy to break my heart... came to me friday.. and.. basically told me he's in love with me.. i mean. not just "i love you" but "i'm IN love with you"... sooo... he's been a best friend for a few months now.. and i've viewed him as a platonic friend.. of course.. that tends to change with me.. they say you're not supposed to kiss your friends.. i've made that mistake a few times.. so i felt kind of cornered i suppose... a lil bit.. i mean here.. is this guy i really care about.. that.. really messed up in the past.. he's done everything right since.. and he comes to me and tells me he's in love with me.. i think he's insane actually.. like.. he just... is insane.. i told him this and he said that he's not going to stop being insane anytime soon.. so.. somehow i now have a boyfriend... well.. i'm sure you think i'm skipping a whole lot of details.. so here's basically what happened... we stayed up *all* night talking about how/why it may not work and all of that stuff.. i had SAT's saturday morning.. the math section KILLED me.. as usual.. and then i went back home.. and he was still at the house since he was up all night talking to me and he had woken up already since it'd been a good 4 or so hours while i was at SAT's that he had slept.. and in between SAT's i ran into my best buddie Erin, and Meagan J.. they both said "WHAT?!!" "Tell him you JUST got out of a relationship and you're not ready" ... and all that other stuff.. can u spell M-I-S-T-A-K-E.. but one i GLADLY made.. and am very very glad i made.. and still am.. maybe it wasn't a mistake.. but that's how they saw it.. (at first?) naww it probably still seems like a mistake.. but... i dunno.. it's like all i've ever wanted to happen w/ me and a guy i suppose.. it's just.. really really weird.. in a good way i suppose.. but basically i just feel confused.. (saturday dinner went great wonderful fun).. i ended up stealing some snuggles even on saturday evening... so... we've been talking a lot.. me and this guy.. and he says it's ok that i'm confused.. i mean.. i REALLY am sort of in the rebound... and.. it's ok.. if i don't know how i feel about it.. but the whole situation has been making me smile.. like.. i was on the phone with him telling him the family was about to leave for dinner, and he said ok and "i love you" before he hung up.. and the time i called after that he called me sweetie on the phone.. it's cute stuff like that.. but then there's weird stuff.. like .. he smells EXACTLY the same as he did 3 years ago.. that smell that i fell in love with and couldn't live without.. that smell that broke my heart.. that smell that i completely forgot and got over... it's THERE... again.. i thought i'd never smell it again and it's back.. and.. it's like.. i dunno.. the irony of it all is that he says he loves me more now than he did back when i was in love with him.. so his love grew and my love was just... destroyed... i mean.. he set off a string of heartbreak.. he was the first.. after him it was.. multiple guys that i'm still not over... i'm still in the rebound from LANE... i mean.. geez.. i dunno.. sooo.. it was probably.. i mean.. i know he loves me and i knew he'd say something to the effect, i wasn't too shocked.. i just didn't expect him to do it.. this weekend.. and i didn't expect him to ask me to be his girlfriend.. i didn't expect to go along with it and all that other stuff... i know i maybe shoulda said no till i figured all of this out.. but he asked me like 10 times in a row.. hehehe and my endurance to that sorta thing is limited i suppose... it's not that i plan on dating anyone else.. so it's because i don't want to commit.. it's just.. i'm confused.. but i can be a confused girlfriend too i suppose.. i told him no i think.. but he said something to the effect of "well i'll say you're my girlfriend anyways"... so that's ... *shrugs*... i guess that means i'm his girlfriend.. i dunno if he's my boyfriend.. but it's not like i have any other guys that i'm kissing on and stealing snuggles from as of the moment... i dunno.. this is all payback for me being so frowny.. dude.. he even said he was sick of watching me get hurt by all of these guys.. he's been there for me.. the last two break ups.. held me while i cried... he's been a really really really great friend that i've felt really close to.. it's just.. i mean, i can't tell him i don't want sexual tension in the relationship and that i only think of him as a brother.. A. because i've kissed guys before that i've thought of as brothers and B. because why tell him that when he's saying he's in love with me and already probably has those feelings.. and it's not that i don't thoroughly appreciate his company.. so it's really.. just that... i'm flustered.. but that's ok.. cause i'm happy and flustered... i mean.. i remember all the reasons it didn't work out before.. adn some of them didn't change.. but i'm thinking that doesn't mean NO.. it just means obstacle or something.. so basically that's my weekend.. a nice lil summary of it.. the crazyness of it all.. hopefully this will have a happy ending for once.. i had this dream a long time ago, but in the dream this psychic doughnut maker was telling me about all the guys i would date.. and told me all about the one that would be most recent, and made a reference to some dream i had before about dating a blonde, and the psychic doughnut maker said i would date him soon (which i did date a blonde right after this dream practically).. and i asked the guy in the dream how many guys i'd date before i finally dated my husband.. and he said 5.. the guy was really sketchy tho.. i mean.. he flipped out when information struck him and the doughnuts were falling off the lil machine assembly belt thing and onto the ground.. and does a relationship that consisted ONLY soley on lies count? and does this new relationship count since i've dated him before? i just thought i'd note it... for optimism or something i dunno.. i have weird dreams... anyways i gotta try to sleep.. even tho i'm turning into one of those people who never sleeps.. i'm running on new relationship energy i think.. i'll be ok right? yeahh... i'll be fine.. this is just.. one of those fun lil.. OH.. how.. interesting.. sorta things.. i have all the time i need to think this out... it's not like he's going anywhere.. so that's ok.. i don't think he's ever felt this way before, and i'm *SO* worried about him.. because i've felt that way several times before.. and it's a really easy way to get hurt.. so i just am terrified of hurting him.. because he's putting himself in a sort of vulnerable position whether or not he realizes it.. so i'm worried about his sanity.. i mean he is kind of .. crazy i think.. *grins*... i dunno... i'll be fine.. he'll be ok.. i HOPE... anyways.. hugs to all.. especially to crazy boys who confess their love for me on friday evenings.. i feel pounced.. *grins*.. so.. ... romance it is...
current mood:  confused
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| Friday, November 2nd, 2001
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12:59 pm - confessions to the world that is Tony
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the comment i wrote in Tony's box.. but was too big to post *sniffle* stupid LJ rules:
.. i got some really cool starbucks coupon i could use.. if you weren't busy and such ... stuff seems like a mess in my lil world.. steve is coming home tho... he loves me.. i don't know how i feel about that.. actually i do but i'm not allowed to say or something.. CoLeEn you're my hero.. if u can make tony smile you're an extra cool hero, cause tony is DEFINATELY my hero... so that makes you like a SUPER hero.. or maybe you're just a Tony hero side kick? naww... you two are both heroes fightin crime in the underworld of vicious crime pumpin propaganda.. or somethin.. i wanted that to sound good but it doesn't make sense (that's ok tho)... an alliance of super heroes... i'd like to be a super hero too, but i'd have to find some super powers.. tony, he can fly.. ( accidentally typed CRY but had to like.. rewrite that.. froidian slip?? ) ok.. note for the day.. big dreams die really fuckin hard.. BUT.. that's ok, cause there are always bigger dreams.. and ... no matter how many of mine burn and collapse in flames anguish and complete destruction.. i'll.. always have the.. uhh.. strength to look away.. and see the bigger dream.. towering over the complete nasty mess of misery ... right?... well at least i feel strong actually.. i feel very strong... it's ok that adan or whoever doesn't want me like that.. or that people fuck me over.. because i'm better than that... and i'm a strong independant person.. u know what? i think i'm more open in tony journal commentary than in my own journal... i feel so weak.. i'll be fine... i know super heroes you know.. and they do stuff like.. fly.. and... they don't worry bout nuthin cause they're tough.. this isn't the death of a big dream.. it's the birth of a bigger one.. right?... no... hahaha.. i'm just another bitter ex girlfriend out there.. surely there aren't enough.. hopefully i won't turn into my aunt, and spend the rest fo my life single... she once told me that ex boyfriends are for doing favors... i didn't believe her... but steve is really fuckin helpful.. he's actually a really best friend of mine.. it'd be cool if he had an lj too so then i could check up on him when he's @ skewl and such... but he has his own website so maybe he doesn't need that... maybe one day.. adan will be helpful? i doubt it... i was thinking in the shower today about how it doesn't hurt me (NOT!) and that... thatt.... oh i forgot... OH.. i was wondering if i should send him something for his b-day.. or for x-mas.. like a friend.. but then i realized i wouldn't. i couldn't.. WHY? that'd be horrible and silly.. i remember when steve and i broke up.. steve still bought me a balloon on my b-day right after it... and put it on my locker.. of course i popped the balloon when i found my recently became EX best friend wearing a huge mum wtih his name on it to homecoming.. but that's beside the point... he's been the best now.. i guess i gave him a second chance? never a second chance as a boyfriend.. but as a friend definately.. he earned it tho.. he's always been there for me since... (well not after lane) but.. he's sits and takes care of me sometimes when i'm a wreck.. holds me when i cry... i love that my friends are there for me.. i wish i were just.. stronger right now.. so then i could be there for them more... then i could fly like tony.. to austin.. and stop by to see steve and bex (on her birthday sunday).. and i could fly over to see bella whenever... park tha plane in the backyard by her lil lake.. i didn't get to see her on halloween.. i guess if i didn't have the struggles i wouldn't appreciate my friends so much.. maybe it's just a.. twisted disguised gift.. last time i tried spending time w/ tony was last christmas and thanksgiving time.. and that turned out to be a bad time.. i don't think there's ever going to be a time for tony and rachel romantically.. but i like having a hero... a goof ball hero.. i don't want to be depressed ever again... i think i'm going to make that my new years resolution (although we all know those don't ever work).. NO hahahaha i'm going to make it to stop smoking.. ( i don't smoke) but it'll be equally as pointless.. it'd be fun to have a lame english assignment on new years resolutions and to write it on how i want to like... stop having promiscious sex or stop smoking.. hehehe... i can't believe i'm thinking about this in november.. ok.. ok... rachel is power girl.... she's.. going to get off her ass and.. have her car fixed... because.. sick days are for.. getting better right??? and today is a sick day... i'm going to cut all my fucking hair off.. i think my long hair makes me look .. helpless.. and.. like i need some big strong man to save me... and i'm fUCKin sick of big strong rescuing men... enough of that stupid fairy tale dream.. yeahh... maybe that's my entire problem... i just need to help myself better... and to quit hoping for help from other people.. so.. " no helping rachel she can handle herself.. by the way she got a hair cut, and.. it looks very damn sexxy.. " that's what they'll say.. i know tony buddies might read this.. but i don't know tony's buddies.. so that's ok.. and i know my buddies won't... maybe that's why i can put anything and everything in tony commentary box... it'd be cool if he carried a comment box around at school.. a lil shoe box... jacob told me he's got something with the frito company and the cafateria ladies.. if tony had a comment box (@ skewl) i'd write comments in it all the time... it'd be my mental sanity... it'll work out with the chick tony.. and if it doesn't.. u got people like colleen who care about you... so u don't gotta worry... i wonder sometimes if it's better to just.. skip out entirely than to get hurt all the time... most say it's better to get hurt... but.. i'm starting to.. not believe that.. which is ok.. they say i'm too trusting u know.. not anymore.. i've been rennovated.. now i'm a hard core bitch... that's what they say now.. "looky there.. she doesn't need help, she's a hard core bitch.. OH, and her new short hair cut looks sexxy, she looks pretty damn independant... oh and i think she lost some weight... oh and i hear.. she was accepted to UT.. but way before anyone else was.. because.. she's a hardcore bitch and she's going somewhere... " yeahh... so i need to go have my car cleaned and oiled and fixed.. cause that's what hard core bitches that can take care of themselves do.. they... fix their cars.. they'd do it by hand cause they can do that, but.. they can't waste their precious time.. so don't no one worry bout mE.. and if ya do i'll be MEAN cause.. i'm a hard core bitch :P..
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12:21 am - Crappy Cranky and Crampy
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i've been feeling like a woman too much.. i spent *ALL* day cramping and just wanting to curl up on the floor in fetal position.. i finally made it through the day though and i dont' know if i want to make it through another one.. i have an english presentation that i don't want to miss.. i've already E/A ed my first period class (i suck in the morning) but only by two days.. so every day i miss now i have to make up.. i think .. i'll just.. let myself be sick.. because i truly do feel shitty... ok... today for a
THOUGHT on DATING
soo.. dating.. rachel and dating don't get along.. i've had a dEFINATe share of bad luck as far as the whole fun with dating thing... ok.. i don't want to talk about this anymore it's too depressing... but .. i don't want to date anymore.. for a ver long time... there.. that's my thought... dating is bad for rachel, she's not going to do it anymore.. ok.. >> END ToD
anyways.. i'm sleepy.. i got home from school and went straight to bed.... after hissing at everyone like a cat.. i was in a pissy mood.. i hate being like that.. today was weird.. like. i spent time with Jacob T. twice today.. .. i got mad at him sorta cause like... i ate lunch with him a few times and he would steal tator tots and sips from my drink and didn't seem to care if i had a problem.. i've decided now that he must just be like.. really attention deficite.. or something. that's what my anatomy project yesterday was on.. that's why i didn't get to post.. i was *WAY* too busy... anyways.. i was half out of it and half dead and jacob walked with me in the hall... that was actually really nice of him.. for spending time with me even after i already kinda told him that .. i wasn't awake or there and looked like crap nad felt like sludge.. and he walked with me in the hall in the afternoon too... *wondering wondering* .. its ok i don't have to wonder for long.. it's just, that was really nice of him i guess.. for someone who doesn't seem to care about my problems... you guys gotta see what this guy just said to me.. it was funny...
Keith 0498: i think you're seeing someone else
JTHM965: i .. am
Keith 0498: who is it?
Keith 0498: is it a he or a she?
Keith 0498: bah, like i really want to know
Keith 0498: well rachel...
Keith 0498: you'll regret it one day
Keith 0498: one day when you're rich and i'm not...
Keith 0498: because then... i'll be cleaning the windshield on your car
Keith 0498: and i won't do a very good job
Keith 0498: meanie
.... i don't know why i thought that was so funny.. but i thought to post it anyways.. just because i can.. well not just because i can, because it's FUNNy that he seems to think that his only way of revenge.. is that.. he'd be below me.. and wouldn't wash my windshield correctly.. what evil revenge.. i asked him if i could post what he said by the way, just in case u guys think i'm exposing some innocent lil guy.. i'm so just yuck.. today is yet another pajama day.. i need to buy more pajamas so at least it'll be a different pair of flannel pj's.. i feel like i've been *living* in these.... why am i always so busy? and why does life have to be so difficult? and how long will it be before i feel relaxed and bored with my life again enough that i pray for action and excitement? *thinks of that "licks to the center of the tootsy pop" commercial*... "the world will never know"... or is it "the world will never find out"? i dunno.. it's dramatic enough... i've had enough of this rollercoaster scary action stuff in my life.. can't i just have.. peace??? "no rachel" says a big booming voice ... "only in REST may you have peace... in life you shall have... .... ... .... WAKE" .... GrEaTt..... u know, this is all just because i'm sleepy i think... Tony is my HERO... n0m3phr34k: i wish i was drunk .. hey, my sister is drunk... i... told a guy online.. that i was on the phone.. cause i was.. but.... i'm not now.. and he still thinks i'm on the phone.. am i a bad person now?? GUILT GUILT GUILT!... but my sister knows him and i met him anonymously and found out that he knew my sis and she says to run away... so not too bad right? dude.. my life is such a mess right now.. i feel so shitty.. i feel soo.. like.. i'm not doing what i'm supposed to do.. i didnt' get my sibllings anything for their birthdays... i don't.. i dunno.. it feels like the only thing that's making my life hold together.. is that i have a wonderful family and great friends.. and then i'm shitty to them.. like i don't .. go to their parties. or remember their birthdays.. or.... like.. get them damn birthday presents even.. they usually tell me they don't mind... i'm trying to make a sad midterm guy happy... that's impossible.. you know.. if my love life were more stable.. or just more nonexistant.. i think maybe. i would be .. waY less hectic busy messy confused... and.... all that other stuff... this last stick i got myself into has made me kinda unhappy.. i mean i had decided that... since i've had SO much bad luck with guys in the past.. and everything was going so well.. that there was NO way this would mess up.. NO way.. i've had TOO much bad luck with guys.. WAY too much.. everything was going SO well .. so perfectly.. he thought i was in love with the idea of being in love.. when really i just really liked him a whole lot.. just like how i've liked ALL the other ones a whole lot.. it's not even like it was that many.. he thought i just had a stupid highschool girl crush on him... if he only knew.... it was way WAY more than just a crush... i'm so damn sleepy.. i should be in bed.. know why i'm not?? because i'm talking to a guy... i'm dumb... and i'm telling him why i can't date him.. at least i'm telling him i can't right? before i even like.. meet him.. because.. i don't want to anymore.. not for awhile.. not even for the physical part.. not even for like.. the companionship.. not even.. i dunno.. just NO.. bad idea... i need to.. i'm not going to school tommorrow.. i told the guy that i'm working on the project with... he seemed to beok with it.. maybe if i stay up a lil later than i'll feel convincingly shitty enough in the morning to convince myself NOT to go so i won't have to go through another day feeling like crap.. (note: this crappyness is not caused by lack of sleep, it's me being sick) but i'm stupid and if i feel only a LIL bit like crap i'll go and feel TOTALLY like crap the rest of the day.. i dunno i gotta go to bed... night all... i can't believe you've read this.. this is nonsense... you must be worse off than me.. actually... IM me we can hook up.. hahaha.. i'm really REALLY joking.. you've seen the patheticness and how i don't need to date ever again already.. anyways.. i hope your life is swell from NOW on.. since you've.. endured enough seeing as you read my very very long post.. ok.. night!
current mood:  crappy
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| Monday, October 29th, 2001
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9:41 pm - still not working on my homework...
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i'd like to make a personal tribute to all that has helped me to procrastinate.. Fox television and news.. the makers of.. livejournal.com.. the makers of anything computer related... i'm so tired.. i should be in bed now.. maybe i'll accidentally pass out and i'll NEVER have to do my homework.. here is where i've been fighting with myself... "you don't NEED this class in the long run " "but you need to understand basic anatomy" "that doesn't include knowing about the Central Nervous System"... "if you don't READ it YOU'LL regret IT" |
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6:36 pm - i'm STILL not working on my homework...
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I thank my "older brother" TODD for helping me to slack off..
Ummm yeahh.. methods of procrastination.. at least i'm not.. watching TV.. but.. learning new HTML codes instead right?? i was hoping some of this text would blink somewhere but i suppose it didn't work.. i think i'm going to right this girl that i see every day a snail mail letter just to make her feel loved (then again.. doesn't snail mail = i hate you lately?) i dunno nevermind.. i think i'll.. attempt to learn a lil something about Higher Mental Functions for my test... maybe that says something about my personal mental functions.. since i can't seem to make myself learn about them..
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