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O shit .... [05 Nov 2001|04:10pm] [ mood | shocked ] Ya wouldn't believe this shit .. What is it with the women who have been in my life picken fugly women O my god you wouldn't believe this one shit I didn't Went to physical therapy again today hurts more than it did when I went O'well that was fun here I am just glad I am not there post comment

Today [12 Oct 2001|07:01pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | Wilson Phillips ] Love Here There No matter where I feel it in my heart soul Lost in the feeling fuzzy zainey fun I am sitting here with my soon to be step daughter and my lover Deb. I am Getting Married. What a trip I said never again and look where I am at IN LOVE O My God.. I am so Happy. Never felt this good before. Never been recipricated I almost don't know what to do it is amazing.... Yeah Here we go I am in for the best ride of my life... post comment

Here we go.......... [09 Oct 2001|06:51pm] Life has been very interesting almost too much to type I am Happy I have moved the only negative thing is the hospital trips but I have a feeling that is all going to stop my lover is trying to cram this all natural shit down my throat you know me stubborn as usual I think I just love the look on her face when I say no and I dont want her too feel as if I am taking advantage of her she has had enough of those type of women and so have I .. She is so cute when she gets agitated yeah ... My Sex Lady ... Well life is grand I am finally happy .. To Morgan Hey how's school? .. I have been worried alot about my friend I am becoming more open and cuminicative thx to Deb .. Well as you know here I go I told you I would be here if I hooked up with her I guess determinating and patience does pay off I just hope I don't have to be patient anymore it takes too FUCKING LONG... Well Hell here we go again spinning on a tangant atleat I am happy it's about fucking time .. Medicated as usual cant you tell ... Gotta go no patience.. post comment

Here there where? [08 Sep 2001|11:33am] [ mood | naughty ] [ music | Chumbawumba ] I have become good friends with my roomates ex-wife both women are extrodanary I would love to lick them both... But the more I get to know about my roomate Janice the more dis-honest I learn she is Thats just what I need another liar in my life (RIIIGHT *NOT*) I am worried about what this all is turning into her ex is an amazing intelectual who is stuck on my age due to the fact that she is 46...OOPS... Well I am amazingly puzzled as what to do with my life but I took her ex out last night to play pool and then to coffee at my little coffee retreat which is tucked behind folage soo peaceful and I learned alot about her and my roomate and their life together and everything just fell into place... I made a dyke blush 5 times she wore pink so often last night I almost thought she was a fem.... We talked about philosophy,politics,life,love,her childen(includes my roomate),and the world.. She made a coment to me about slowing down.. Stopping to smell the roses and such.. I told her my theory on that.. I look at people as flowers I watch them and that is my way of stopping to smell the roses... I look at her as a rose-bud that was frozen in time just now begining to bloom...Her rough dyke exterior the thorns and her eyes soul and heart are like the silk pedals finally being alowed to bloom...what an amazing intilectual... I am going to miss her.. (I thought about her the rest of the night : ) you know what I mean... Well thats all for now... post comment

Life [02 Sep 2001|12:00pm] [ mood | lethargic ] [ music | The pretenders ] Sedated More Dr's more pills More days you cant coast up hill can cant will wont No more Floating flying dancing dying Sun/Moon Fire/Water through death I stand tall Smiling Crying Laughing Lying with the world crashing around me I am left un-touched arms dancing in the wind Looking Smiling Toiling Trying I have no eyes and yet I see I have no heart and yet I feel No fingers yet I touch you... I grow barely move up out trapped in place yet I strech for miles... To touch your heart which was never there Where were you to love me post comment

Death [30 Aug 2001|08:30am] [ mood | scared ] [ music | Linkin Park ( Hybrid Theory ) ] Today....I walk tomorrow I may wake and not be able to walk again it comes and it goes..sometimes I feel as if I were to die today it would make no difference..I look in the mirror and see thousands of faces all familiar but at the same time none of them are mine and all are mine..If I were to see the true me would it be the moment of realization before I die..Is this going to be the way it is going to be helpless scared and alone...I cant let this continue I fight to walk across a room tired at the end of my Journey I stop turn around and smile to the people who are staring at me thinking I was helpless...I will not fall to this I will not be crippled I would wish to take my own life than to be a burden on others...I see the pain in Janice's eyes when she has to help me into another room I also see the pain when I deny her help so I am going in Circles....A thin veil between reality and Hell... post comment

Please in pain.... [12 Aug 2001|02:11pm] [ mood | mischievous ] [ music | Lords of Acid "Our Little Secret" ] Today O my God... Pleasure of the game ... Dom....sub-... To be owned to own... To have control.. be controled.. and by being controled.. having the ultimate contol... I used to play... I used to be a dom-... Today I was asked to be... a sub to be owned the darkside is coming out again....I have a great fear I want to I want to be taken I want to be beaten I want to ravage someone at the same time her eyes were so......I was drawn in.. Lord of Acid "I have the power".............. Again and Again Pain and pure pleasure I am shaking and tingling at the thought....... What do I do....... I want I need to satify the darkness with-in... Hidden for so long A.N. Rouquete...... The pleasure the darkness and curiosity with-in us all at play today in my mind..... post comment

HI [11 Aug 2001|08:03pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Lords of Acid "Our Little Secrets" ] Tonight and every night has been interesting many many many movies.... Boys don't cry.. For the boys... Vertical Limit... Devil's Advocate... Clean and sober... A movie with whoopie Goldberg and another beautiful young actress that I can't quite remember her name but Whoopie was Gay wow... What a sad movie and such a touching masterful ending even though it really had alot of hard twists and not a complete ending but good.. 3 new Cd's but they are ones that my ex took from me when she left..."Crystalmethod" ... "Lords of Acid" ... and "Boy George" ....Like the old times .... Except my body is deteriorating from the inside out... I am 20 with the life span of you average 90 year old I don't know how much longer I can take the pain of my body ... knowing and feeling my body slowly deteriorate and die.....I would like to go while I am content....Too many thought to describe.. Happy ... sad ... Pain ... freedom .. knowledge ... just wow ... what now where to go what to do a goal for me...hmmmm...thoughts that require action... 2 comments|post comment

Cuise [08 Aug 2001|06:20pm] Thinking about taking a cruise again.. God this time I will remember it... but where to.. We have discussed going with friends or going just us... Here are the choices : Australia(she wants to see a Kawala and a kangaroo w/ a baby) Hawii (been there she hasn't) Ireland England Alaska Sweden Other trip options: Florida (for a huricane) New Oreleans (for martdri grau I been she hasn't) Canada (to see my cousin...may see ex-mother in law) Illinois ( to meet her family ) New York (to visit my brother and god son) Washington (Friends) Well????????!!!!!! And who would we take????? I dunno But here we go on the roller coaster of life again .... Damn decisions......... 1 comment|post comment

Today [08 Aug 2001|05:56pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | One Stormy Night ] Been in a hole for the last couple of days... Like traveling down and endless tunnel with no light at the end or falling into an abiss but you cant really tell your falling due to the consistant motion..... Anyway Average day mass overtime at work I think that is what is killing me due to the fact that I have worked 10 hour a day for the last two weeks four hours on saturday and Sunday is my only day off .............CCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAPPPP So I feel that I am out of my hole but there is still no one to be found.. Alone Again!!! post comment

Memory Loss [04 Aug 2001|09:58am] Misplaced my hips and blew out a tendon ripped my nerves having heart problems you would almost think I was 90..Damn.......2 muscle relaxers 1 blood thinner 2 pain killers to say the least I dont remember much about the last week or so......O'well Floating kinda feels like I am stoned.........Well passing out again gotta go Bye Bye post comment

[30 Jul 2001|03:00pm] [ mood | high ] Drugged again work was hard you ever stare at the computer and it suddenly flashes to the left as your eyes roll back into the back of your head well TY for sharing the experience.......... 1 muscle relaxer at 500mg 1 Pain killer at 500 mg I am FLYING post comment

[29 Jul 2001|02:13pm] [ mood | sore ] Well... The medication kicked in again driving would be bad...I am in sooo much pain...even with the pain killers and muscule relaxers and I am nausious because I haven't eaten either I need to get better at that and soon I am not sure my friend is home for work but I am not quite sure how...I am so lathargic and nasious.. The world is spinning... round and round I fall there is no ground no way up and no end to hit the ground just falling with no escape I am running but there is no way my feet not thouching the ground so dark I am not sure if I am moving at all so tired I just want it to all Stop Pain almost too much to bear Here there where am I screaming into the darkness only to hear the echos of my hollow cries .................... post comment

Weee what a roller coaster........ [29 Jul 2001|06:47am] [ mood | Medicated ] On ther roller coaster of life.. Going into the giant loop at a hundred miles a hour... and all of a sudden the ride comes to an abrupt stop. Head begining to swell due to lack of circulation of blood to any of the rest of you body.... You are scared and there is no where to run.. All of a sudden you body goes limp and you find yourself floating above everything there everyone including you motionless body is... Screaming for help.. and nobody can here you anymore... The physical is gone... but to realize in our humaness I need you and you need me We need to be loved For in the death of the bdy the pain cannot compare to the death of the soul For Death Is Internal post comment

Hey.......... [28 Jul 2001|12:29pm] [ mood | scared ] Just here with my buddy Sandy chillin in My House God it feels good to say that I am soooooo tired chaired my midnight meeting then got up and went to work 45 min to an hour and a half of sleep....Damn I have got a head ache Well group get togeather Party at my house tonight movies and pissa and soda and good friends memories to build up.....I have a feeling I am going to die soon I have been having heart palpitations and am not sure wether to see the doc or not and I have yet to tell anyone... The nightmares are becoming more vivid and I am not quite sure what to do...... Wanting to Dream and Waiting to die 1 comment|post comment

My soap opera "As The Stomach Churns" [27 Jul 2001|04:55am] [ mood | sleepy ] Up to go to work... Here I am there I go again... I did tt my friend...and we have decided to be patient and see what happens neither of us want to hurt anymore.. So I understand the fear and frustration..and hope to find a meeting ground I love to love.. and I love to be loved I just wonder Do I love to love even when it hurts? Will it hurt... I wish I knew for sure that there was going to be a happy ending. Bye for now post comment

[26 Jul 2001|06:20pm] Pizza.......... Going to get pizza with friends yeah....... Grease BOMB post comment

Here we go.......... [26 Jul 2001|05:35pm] [ mood | melancholy ] Today..... I have ended a dream that I thought would get better but it turned into a scary dream but not yet a nightmare she said that she wanted to work on it but I know will take forever to change and do I want to feel pain/trapped forever....... post comment

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