|
[14 Jun 2002|11:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
%
yesterday ben and i went to carowinds.
the ricoche (can't spell that word) ride thing was great except that i hit the side of my jaw into the side of the rail thing and it hurts. and then i fell down and busted my ass at the water park, but only ben saw so i didn't have to get too embarrassed. hahaha.
%
public humiliation.
%
i saw shawn working at papa john's, i smiled at him, but i don't know why he wouldn't talk to me or smile back or do something or maybe he didn't recognize me, it has been a while.
%
and ben started on something about how he think i might have had something with shawn and that he's getting in the way, and that was bothering me.
%
cause yea, i could have had something with shawn, but he really didn't want anything with me and we're too different and he's just a friend.
%
so i tried to call him last night cause i haven't talked to him in 3 weeks.
%
hey, but i'm not worrying anymore. i'll talk to him eventually, and i noticed he has a cell now, haha, i hope his life is coming together for him. and for some reason ben wants to go without doing anything sexual for a year for some kind of proof. so i guess i'll have to go along with it. oh well.
%
i don't know what to do anymore.
loving people is frustrating and annoying and it's making me a better person at the same time. so i don't know what to think.
|
|
|
[11 Jun 2002|03:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
FUCKED |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
haha... the cartoons jesse is watching |
] |
okay.
fuck this.
i love my sister but she's driving me crazy.
i try to be nice and ask her not to always be up my ass when i have friends over.
but she won't, she sits there and hits and throws things at ben and i've been needing to talk to him about some important thigns that i don't like to talk about over the phone.... BUT i can't because jesse won't ever let me have my time.
and now i'm getting sick because i've had to hold everything to myself for a week and i probably won't see him till thursday. and Jesse will be a bitch then, too.
well i know i'm definatly not pregnant. isn't that something good, and i don't plan on getting pregnant and i know tara worries about me, but right now it doesn't look like i'm even going to be doing anything.
i know ben loves me, and i love him, but we can't just start dating now... because of other people. i really don't like having to wait like this, and it makes me feel even more like nothing is going to happen. sometimes i feel like something is going on behind my back and that i'm going to end up looking stupid.
but the same thing isn't going to happen twice, i'm not going thru last summer again.
i'm not fucking doing that.
and i'm sick and frustrated and bitchy and no one needs to pay me any attention because i'm stupid. everything i say is stupid andd everything i think is stupid and i'm pathetic and there's no purpose for me to try anymore.
i'm going to just let everything go and not try anymore. everyone else can do what they want with it.
i hate myself so much and that's the gayest way to try and say how i feel because it's cliche and sort of poser now. but fuck it fuck it fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
i'm going to clean stuff. like i always do.
i'm going to clean and vacuum and wipe odly colored surfaces that smell of things Jesse has left behind for others to clean for her because she's too busy watching cartoons.
!!!!!!!aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!
can't things be the way i fucking want them to be
NO NO NO NO NO NO
and i know that.
|
|
| i should buy a newspaper. |
[07 Jun 2002|02:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 excited |
] |
oh. yummy pop.
life gets better and better.
i'm insanely happy. i'm insane.
i'm loved and it's beautiful.
and i've always been loved,
but this is gooey, and it sticks to my memory.
and it won't leave.
tomorrow i'm going to watch TV and be happy
but i need to go to bed.
it's cold, and i really need sleep and
i wish i could write these things down,
but i can't because no one would accept them.
yay.
love me love me love me love me love me love me.
this is all i ever have to say anymore.
it's so great to just be as happy as a 5 year old kid with a big piece of chocolate in a white shirt.
|
|
| Does Jerry Springer still come on? last time i checked, it was on at 2 am, weeknights. |
[03 Jun 2002|01:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Deftones - "Passenger" |
] |
doing the usual.
checking mail and going thru removing my name from junk mail lists.
missing ben.
he's coming home tomorrow, said he'd try to see me.
i'm getting those gay nervous doubts.
but i brushed my teeth real good cause tuesday i go to the dentist.
i shaved real good in case ben comes over.
last time i hadn't shaved in a day and things get nasty.
haha.
nah, i'm just crazy. everything's going to be fine.
i feel so un-alone now.
and it's been almost a year since i've had to cry myself to sleep and wake up feeling pathetic.
yummy.
i'm going to go do nothing.
oh, and i started with those funni kegal/kegel/somethin or other exercises.
they better work.
i wanna be able to shoot a dildo across the bed like that woman who did the kegel stuff for 20 years or whatever.
it'll be great.
it'll be fantastic.
im doing a puzzle now to occupy myself
it's time to go to bed.
|
|
| another day waiting for the sun to shine |
[01 Jun 2002|12:48am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Staind - outside |
] |
outside is a nice song to make you feel like shit about your life.
things are looking good for me. i have feelings for someone and i think they're being returned.
or i know they're being returned. i'm just worried that things will change if we start dating. why does giving a relationship a definate name seem so difficult.
why do i worry so much?
i need something to go right in my life and if this messes up, i'll just let it go and keep trying, but i'm not going to go back to my old life of looking for fast relationships that don't mean anything.
i used to find sexy older men, screw them so they'd be happy, and then move on. it's like empty gratification that doesn't appeal after you taste what it's like to be appreaciated and to appreciate someone back. haha, i'm an idiot.
i've got the best friends in the world.
|
|
| don't ask questions |
[23 May 2002|07:02pm] |
i don't know what to say.
well tomorrow morning i'm going camping.
ha.
|
|
| i am a monkey on crack who licks the ceiling in case i might have accidentally spilt some sweet dust |
[19 May 2002|04:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 busy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
eulogy - tool |
] |
ummm, so i don't really care about the internet anymore. i have two days of school left.
one day i will get around to making a new layout for my crappy site, or maybe i'll just delete it and not worry about crap like that anymore.
i really need to go brush my teeth before all this soy sauce stains them.
i'm losing my mind, i spent two hours first thing in the morning studying for my algebra test on the conics sections stuff. i can graph and slove and understand parabolas, circles, ellipses, and hyperbolas. i kick ass.
i'm also slowing copying my algebra II notes over really nicely to give to my sister when she gets to this course in a few years or let one of my friends hold them or something, they're really good notes...
i called shawn, and pussy monkeys!, he was sick. he said he got sick last night, wonder what he was doing last night.
oh well, so i'm here by myself, maybe i will go do some more math work and review for the final exams and actually get my physical science work done for once because the only reason i'm not expemting phys. sci. is because i'm lazy, the reason i'm not expemting alg. is because i can't grasp the concept of recursive functions because i missed that lesson and the bitch wouldn't help me. but she's finally retiring with is good for the freshmen and sophomores who would have got her next year.
my back hurts and i've started back to keeping records of everything i eat because i'm really bored and in desperate need of better entertainment.
but i have started drawing again.
and last night i watched Silence of the Lambs.
well i have to go clean up the messes two little children left behind for me so they could go to a birthday party.
|
|
| i am a happy sea shell washing on to your shores |
[09 May 2002|11:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
good |
] |
http://tearstastesweet.friendtest.com/
i'm not pregnant, but i wonder what ppl would say if i wore a maternity dress to school tomorrow.
|
|
| lalalalal i can't sleep |
[05 May 2002|12:04am] |
hey, i don't take tests a lot but tonight i felt like it so this is the spark's perosonality test.
MENTOR
(Submissive Extrovert Abstract Thinker )
Like just 6% of the population you are a MENTOR (SEAT). Some would call you the most powerful and influential of all people. Those people are wrong.
The reality is that you DON'T really WANT to impose personal views or beliefs on others. Yet you are extroverted and intelligent, and you like to get involved. So you help others with the pursuit of knowledge.
You're the reason that people say "teachers are also students." You are as much a learner as a master, and this satisfies you.
You won't die a lonely death, but towards the end you'll grow introspective, wondering if your life meant anything. This will last for decades, and you'll die after your spouse.
|
|
|
[04 May 2002|11:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
awake |
] |
hehe,
i took thespark's IQ test.
Your results have been tabulated, and your IQ is...
135
That's above average. Here's how you compare to the other people your age who've taken the IQ test:
people dumber than you (84%)
people as smart as you (1%)
people smarter than you (15%)
Interesting facts from the IQ TEST
- Overall, women have an average IQ of 95.
- Men average 102.
- The smartest age is 48.
- The dumbest is 13.
|
|
| how easily things change |
[04 May 2002|11:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cynical |
] |
i spend so much of my time doing nothing productive and wonder why i'm so negative.
last night i aws thinking about how much i've changed for the better this past year.
i used to be so paranoid and unhappy with everything about my life that i couldn't do certain things, and some things i still can't do.
just simple things, things i don't even want to talk about because they're so pathetic...
and i tried to put myself into my old mind set for a minute, but i couldn't.
some things have changed for the better, but my last big fuck up is still making my life complicated.
and i wonder what makes me do the things i do, i'm such an idiot.
i have learnt not to follow other people and not to hurt myself for other people and just to not give a damn about the things i can't help because worrying about everything only makes me sick and nervous.
and i should have already known most of the things i had to learn the stupid way, but maybe i did and i just felt like taking the consequence of losing my personal life, any respect other people had for me, and some other things....
|
|
| frustration |
[04 May 2002|10:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
something by Rush |
] |
haha, okay.
ben and jon came to see me for a while earlier today.
he called me back at 8, but i was asleep and he left some messed up thing on the answering machine.
now he prolly thinks i was ignoring him cause he's so insecure.
i called back, but didn't get an answer.
mom's a work, sister is sleeping on the couch, finally she's not in my bed so i can sleep in my room tonight.
hahaa, you really can't tell my hair is colored except for the tips.
my mom didn't say anything, but asked me what was wrong with the ends...
she's not really that slow, she's just a bitch.
it's almost 11, time goes by too fast
and i need to start joining some cliques, my page gets no attention, but it i guess that's just cause it sucks...
hehe, alright, i'll shut up now.
|
|
| 猿！！！ |
[03 May 2002|11:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
boring day.
good week, tho.
ben's put things behind him or he seems like he has.
so i feel better.
i need to get back into some creativity, i just feel usless without any worthwhile ideas in my mind.
i updated my site. it looks a little bit too cutsy, but i don't care.
またね。
|
|
|
[28 Apr 2002|07:27pm] |
went to the lake today.
i've had a really nice day.
tonight i'm gonna call shawn and in a minute i might call ben back.
well later
|
|
| sitting in pudding |
[27 Apr 2002|01:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 dorky |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
system of a down |
] |
i've had a good week.
it's hard to believe but everything has turned out nice.
sunday ben and jon came to see me.
monday shawn came and spent time with me.
shawn called me tuesday and wednesday.
thursday my sister had her first band concert.
friday sarah went to the park and out to eat with me and my family and my sister scored a perfect score went she went to do her solo in aiken.
and today is saturday and i don't have anything to feel bad for.
my new layout is up and looks nice.
and i finally gave up and accepted my curly hair.
and ben burned off ænima, lateralus, and salival for me.
so now i don't care that my mom took away a bunch of my CDs that i paid for, even tho i do miss undertow a little bit.
lalalala, i'm gonna go check my mail.
|
|
| hello |
[24 Apr 2002|06:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
devious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
lalalalallalala |
] |
ben sent me a story.
there once was a boy who owned a calico cat which he had for many many years . he grew up with this cat and called it his friend and they always were there for one another. as the boy grew older he learned too much about everything. and he tried everything. and desired everything. and he was exposed to anything, as would be. but one particular day the boy was petting his cat as he always did and the cat turned on her belly to have her belly rubbed, as the boy always would. but this particular day the boy rubbed and rubbed until fur came off the cat, and she was struggling to get away. but the boy for some reason desired to be different this one day. and the cat didnt seem to mind but she did know a difference. and maybe the cat forgot, but who knows, she seemed the same forever more. in the back of her head maybe she still remembered, but whos knwos how a cat thinks right? and no matter what the boy would remember the day he tried to live, but he stole a thousand beggars change and gave it to the rich. what?
i'm wondering why it's a calico cat.
|
|
| 4 20 |
[20 Apr 2002|05:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
lonely |
] |
the internet is boring.
i'm gonna go clean up before i get bitched at.
|
|
| tears taste sweet |
[20 Apr 2002|05:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
STUPID |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
earshot |
] |
oh yay, four twenty.
i went to see the Doolittle air raider planes today, you know, the ones that surprize attacked japan. i took a whole roll of film and ran out before the air show, but the air show wasn't as great as walking around looking at the planes before they flew. it was about 100 degrees and i've got the greatest farmer tan.
so i laid out for a while when i got home. now i'm just waiting for someone to come home.
And i was bored so i took this test at thespark.
The Toymaker
(Perverse Ignored Functional Adult)
Your inner child is the Toymaker (PIFA) --aloof, quirky and maniacal like a baroque timepiece-- so don't be surprised when all your cukoo clocks go off at once. Luckily, for the present, you have managed to siphon all of your weird-ass issues into some sort of outlet, so you're safe from the guys in skintight white jump suits.
The little baby working away inside of you functions because everything it has learned it learned itself-- without too much outside help. Because you were born being old, you are fixated on youth.
This inner child is common among people who use shiny objects, like serial killers and dentists.
|
|
| yummy yummy yummy i got love in my tummy |
[13 Apr 2002|12:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nervous |
] |
i got up at 8:30 and went to my grandparent's house. we planted tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, some other stuff and now i'm home.
i finaly got around to printing out that music my sister wanted me to scan and fix.
now i'm eating oyster crackers and it's too early. i should still be sleeping.
my sister has 2 friends over and all i can hear is the music to some kirby game.
i wonder what's on tv...
and i had some really stupid dreams last night.
lala lala, i'm gonna go e-mail dade cause he's supposed to be moving this weekend.
i'll miss him and scotty is upset, he admitted to me that he cried and that he would probably cry again.
this is boring, i'm gonna go find something better to do.
|
|
| iiiiiiii!!!!!! |
[11 Apr 2002|11:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Earshot - "Get Away" |
] |
lala lala,
i never get anything done til late at night when i wanna go to bed.
mommy was once again bitchy today.
so i almost fell into one of my stupid suicidal moods,
but i'm not now cause screw that.
i'm slap ass happy, and i would be happier if shawn had called me and if i had some really good ice cream. but hey, something interesting is on mtv so that's good enough for me. !
and i'm gonna dress up for tomorrow.
and don't you hate ppl who look at you like you're stupid cause they don't know you and thet don't understand anything but they still feel like trying to make you feel like crap, but they're just idiots who you want to strangle.
ew, this show is getting nasty.
goodnight all my lovers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
|