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I heard about your regrets...I heard that you were feeling sorry... [21 Mar 2002|08:46pm] Well, I have so much on my mind right now it just makes me want to cry. There is nothing I can do about some things and they are so unchangable that it defeats my efforts. And I'm not talking with a negative tone or purpose. I've been thinking about it alot lately, and I really want to just say something to let him now how I feel. I wonder what he thinks? Oh my god I wish I knew. I'm probably making no sense to anyone. Sorry guys. I love Dashboard. I'm eating Starburst jellybeans, and I'm picking out all the pink ones...oh yes, I am a rebel! Goodnight Kids... *Ally, I love you* 2 comments|post comment

Impressed. [16 Mar 2002|10:58am] [ mood | amused ] [ music | Dashboard Confessional, "Standard Lines" ] The dashboard show wasn't as good as I thought it would have been. Dashboard was good, they just played all their new stuff, none of their old. And all the teenyboppers kinda started to get on my nerves. But it was pretty badass anyways. The first 2 bands were terrible. The Anniversary was fucking awesome!! They were like a late, hippy, vintage 60's band. I was quite impressed. Dashboard was headlining and they only played an 18 minute set. Pretty depressing. Oh well, what can ya do? I got their newer CD "The places you have come to fear the most", and I like it. *Thanks again JT for hooking Sam up with a ticket.* It was really good to see Shannon, Sierra, Nick and Adam. I hadn't seen Shannon in a while, and I was way stoked to get to spend some time with her. We always have fun when we hang out. I love you Sammy. I'm hungry...I want Taco Bell. I'm going to call Sam, see you guys later. Bye kids. post comment

I: live on a chain, and you: share the same last name. As a joke, I sit with a bottle of whiskey... [13 Mar 2002|05:24pm] Pete Yorn...so many night's lying alone in my bed, you comoforted me. You were here with me, singing to me. Your voice drifting to my tears and filling my loneliness. So yeah...I'm getting my prom dress when my mother gets home. I don't know where I'll get it, but I'm excited to pick. Haven't talked to Sam much, wonder what he's doing? Oh well kids, I must go now. Goodnight. 1 comment|post comment

Resentment is drinking someone else's poison and waiting for them to die. [12 Mar 2002|10:48pm] [ mood | complacent ] [ music | Pete Yotn: "For Nancy" ] On this uneventful night, I sit and wait for something to happen. I don't know what. Something to make me stop crying. Something to take the weight off my eyes, and make me feel like I have something to keep living for. Truly, I feel, like this is my last night on earth. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I don't know why. I know I will keep living, but the only thing that feels like it would kill me is depression. I have nobody to talk to. Nobody to lay next to me and say..."Anni, it's going to be okay". I guess it's better that I don't, because everything is not going to be okay. I've been crying for nearly 4 1/2 hours now. Crazy Kris307: yeah, it's understandable to think that, but yeah, i just want you to know you can trust me, ok? Andrea947: Yeah, I know I can. Thank you. Andrea947: You can trust me too. I will never back out or tell anything. Crazy Kris307: thanks, i really need someone i can trust right now Andrea947: I know you do. Andrea947: I do too. Andrea947: :) Crazy Kris307: :) Kristin: I truly love you. Thank you for being so understanding and so supportive. You have really helped me in areas you will never know. Thank you. *I miss Sam*. I wish there was something I could do for myself. I guess things are looking up a little bit, because I got Sam a dashboard ticket. I'm meeting the guy to get it tomorrow at 2:20 in the Bay commons. *Prom stress is already starting*. Well, I have to go...I miss my dad...I love you Daddy. *Goodnight* 1 comment|post comment

So what would you think of me now? So lucky, so strong and so proud... [09 Mar 2002|10:30am] [ mood | good ] [ music | The Ramones, "Warthog" ] I don't like Jimmy Eat World, but I have a song stuck in my head. Damn Jimmy Eat World, I think they are nothing near innocence, I think they are a conspiracy. Jimmy Eat World does stand for J.E.W. Jew? Yes, Jew. Weird, eh? Hmmmm, I'm beginning to wonder... Well, last night was a fun night. I hung out with Kyla, Sam, Logan, Brian, Andrea, Nicole, Jim, and Nathan. It was rad. It was Nathan's birthday, he turned 20. Came home around 1:40...crawled into bed, slept so good. Brian and Sam are coming to pick me up at 12:00, so I need to take a shower. I smell like: love spell, beer & cigarettes. Go figure... Well, I'm heading out. Talk to you kids later. If anyone wants to hang out this weekend, let me know!! 2 comments|post comment

You can make or break my day... [02 Mar 2002|09:10am] Your life has changed mine through the eyes of pain, Together our interactions will never be the same, So what...? Am I giving up? I hope not, I'd really hate to see you walk away. A mouth full of words, yet I have nothing to say. Hold on, hold on, just wait for me to come through, Please just stop, let the dust settle upon your tired shoes, A tune that carries about your head, Calling with no answer, did your weary soul turn you dead? Follow the leader, he tries to stall the days. Yet he will lead you there always, Screaming at your mistakes, have they forgiven you yet? I'm sorry if they're having trouble trying to forget. (to be continued) post comment

I can't wait to tell you all about it... [27 Feb 2002|07:51pm] [ mood | touched ] [ music | Dashboard ] I haven't updated a personal livejournal in about a week I think...so I'm going to do that now. I hung out with Brian, Tom & Sam last weekend, that was pretty cool. Just been hanging out with friends lately, I really want to get good grades so I can get a new car. Damn...I need to get my ass into gear. Sam's band is playing for a birthday party this Saturday. I'm going to that, I'll probably just hang out with Kristin most of the time. I'm starting crew with Kimmy pretty soon. (the rowing team)...it should get me into shape, hopefully. I'm so out of shape, goddamn. Kimmy switched into a different English class & left me...I've been bummed about it since 5th period today. I'm so tired and it's only 8 o' clock. If I didn't have Dashboard I don't where I'd be. Chris Cabbarra is so inspiring to me. The best experience of my life is when I see him March 15th! I am so excited I can barely contain myself. Dashboard Confessional ~ Scream Infedelities: I'm missing your bed; I never sleep, Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak, And this bottle of beast is taking me home. I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets, You're not alone and you're not discreet. You make sure I know, whose taking you home. I'm reading your note over again; There's not a word that I comprehend, except when you signed it, "I will love you always and forever." As for now I'm going to hear the saddest songs, and sit alone and wonder, how you're making out, but as for me I wish that I was anywhere with anyone making out. I'm missing your laugh, how did it break? And when did your eyes begin to look fake? I hope you're as happy as you're pretending. I'm missing your bed, I never sleep. Avoiding the spots where we'd have to sleep. And this bottle of beast is taking me home. Your hair; It's everywhere. Screaming infedelities; taking it's wear. 2 comments|post comment

That's who I assumed I'd be.... [27 Feb 2002|04:23pm] Copy and paste this onto your journal or webpage if you want everyone to revel in your coolness: Which Winona Are You? 4 comments|post comment

Haha, check this out... [24 Feb 2002|10:57am] Ewwwww. I am sooooo not Jesus. All I are is a mock-savior, a wannabe-Jesus. I don't even know why I bothered taking this test. I am quite possibly a homosexual... or Jewish. post comment

I have so much hate towards so many things. [23 Feb 2002|06:28pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | The sound of my heart beat gradually slowing down. ] Well...okay, so I'm really upset right now. I don't want to talk to anyone. I feel trapped inside of a lie. But nobody is lying, what's the deal? I want to vanish. I can't wait to go to college and leave everything behind. It's going to be something I've needed for a while. If I was 18, at this moment, I would be nowhere on the earth to be found. Maybe it will happen soon. Hopefully. Alexa: *Yes, I will bring the Magus back on Monday.* Nobody loves me...Pitiful, but that's how I feel. 2 comments|post comment

I'm never going to be good enough. [22 Feb 2002|06:56pm] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | Nothing. Blankness. Wanting to read my book. ] I had a good job shadow. Really interesting. I enjoyed myself, and it's set, I'm going into the government as my career. That's what I want. I want to be the voice that congress needs. And...if all fails, I will be a writer for the Columbian, or Oregonian...or, the New York Times. The book I am currently reading is fucking awesome. I'm really into it. Whenever I am alone, I cannot put it down. I think I am going to go see Super Troopers again with Sam tonight. It was such an awesome movie that I have to see it again. "I wish I was happy" hm I want to be a writer god damn't. When I think about things sometimes, it's hard for me to properly function. Certain scents, certain sights, certain sounds...they make it all come back. And then I lose it. That experience was so traumatizing, I just don't know what to do with myself. A lot of what happened is really hard to comprehend sometimes. It's like, sometimes I full on get it, then other times I'm still left in a little room, with the light off. I miss Brian, I wonder if he is okay. He hasn't called in a while, and i don't know where to get a hold of him. Whatever. Bye kids. 5 comments|post comment

Pete Yorn...music to my soul. [21 Feb 2002|07:31pm] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | Pete Yorn ] A poem I wrote for "the one": Together we will fly away to the stars, All those pretty things, someday will be ours. I know we dream the same, I know we both watch the flickering of the flame. In fact, you are thinking of me right now. It's too bad your not here, I miss you somehow. Wait, don't sell yourself short. Like childhood playmates, we'll hide away in our own little fort. We won't fall into love, we'll make it. We'll wait for cupid to light that craving wick. The same parts of the same songs we'll sing, Waiting up all night, just for the telephone to ring. I'll read books of love and no longer cry, Now I'm the one living the story, I finally found the right guy. We'll hold hands when we walk through town, Mimic a life preserver, I'll never let you drown. The bands I like, you'll like too, When I think I'm found, I'll begin to be lost in you. Pausing life, I'll be determined to find, Who you are, and just where you are tonight. I'm sure I could think of many things to say. How I spent this time alone, and how it felt you were so far away... I saw Super Troopers tonight...it was so bad ass!! One of the funniest movies I've ever seen in my life. Go see it! No school for Anni tomorrow...I have a job shadow! Bye kids. 1 comment|post comment

The party of ever... [20 Feb 2002|10:42pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | Pete Yorn: "Lose you" ] Well, I've been thinking about a lot lately. I had a really fun night tonight. I died my hair a reddish color, and I kinda like it. I heart Pete Yorn sooooo much!! He will be husband, I promise the world on that wish...he's so sexy! Anyway, I don't have much to talk about. Fuck I am so sick of school, I fucking hate it. I have to go, bye kids. (Spring break is gonna kick ass!!!) post comment

Thinking. I don't like it, but it has to happen some time. [19 Feb 2002|10:18pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | ac/dc: "whole lotta rosie" ] I miss my old life. I miss what used to make me happy. I miss what doesn't make me happy anymore. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. For a while there, I was so happy, and now I'm just lost. I feel deserted. Abandoned. Why must I feel this more than once in my life? I'm sick of feeling this way. Too many people that I was in love with, or that I love now, have abandoned who I am. It's truly heartbreaking and discouraging. I want to run away. Run from what makes me crazy. Run from what makes me unhappy and scared. It's getting hard to breathe. Does anyone understand what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night and feel alone? It's so uncomforting. It's even harder when your heart is trying to find it's place to fit in. I wonder if he hates me? He says he doesn't ever want to "talk" to me again, but I don't neccessarily know what that means to him. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to wait and find out. I'm sick of life, I wish I could start over. Well, I'm going to try and call Sam. Bye kids. post comment

I hear you calling me by name, you come around the corner smiling again... [18 Feb 2002|08:20am] [ mood | awake ] [ music | The Ramones: "I wanna be your boyfriend" ] So I didn't go to sleep last night. I've been up since Sam dropped me off last night around 1:00AM. I had to go to the hospital again, I was there from 4:00-7:00 AM. I've been up since 3:00AM. I have an infection in my stomach, and it's very painful. Do not worry kids, it's not contagious. Running off of no sleep...and I'm not tired. Dentist appointment at 10:00...fuckin' shit. I wrote so much once I got home. Like 6 pages of poetry. Right I'm so inspired. So much to write about...so much on my mind. Sample. I'll remember to erase your fears. I would call you now, to thin your tears. I'll protect the sheet when you're down, Say until we fight, when we come around. As a matter of fact, I'll dream it would be ours. And they're scarred. Opening things that have never been found, I'm who you blame when your overtaken to drown, Imply your thoughts, don't forget. I know that it's hard, please don't be upset. Coloring a smile, I give a blue one away, Falling through, it should have fallen today. Tin boxes covered with personality, Claiming only our strongest mentality. But your just too young. Pictures on these walls long ago we hung. And of us a story we will tell, To all of the sick, and to the well... 2 comments|post comment

As I get a back massage from Jake... [17 Feb 2002|10:54pm] Yay...I am sore, and I am getting a back massage from Jake. Truly, he gives the best back massages...I should know...since I got millions last summer. That reminds me...last summer. Last summer was so much fun. It was probably the best summer ever. Jake, Sam & I got soooooo close. I miss it so much. Today was a fun day. I hung out with my dad, which was nice. My birthday went really well. It was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed myself. Memories have really been coming into my mind lately. I don't know why, I've just been thinking about my past. Good & bad...I like to remember some of it, most...I don't care to remember ever again. Reflection...good word to explain how I am feeling. I heart the Noble's...they are such a good family. My 2nd family. I don't care what anyone says, they are truly going to always be here for me. Sam's mom...(Janie), has been a 2nd mother to me, and I appreciate the support when I need it most. Sam, my other half, will always be here for me...I don't expect it, I just know it, like an instinct. I'm feeling very appreciative right now. For everything I do and don't have. It's amazing what you appreciate, and what you don't. I want to go to Thailand. That is a dream of mine...and for some reason when Sam & I went to visit my dad, I considered the visitation of Sumalia. Don't ask me why, but in that country I feel I could make a difference. Sad to think about...oh my. Well kids, for those of you who have been calling my mom's line to get a hold of me, no longer is that neccessary. My phone is up and working now. All better & I am happy to have it back. **Brian, wherever you may be...stay strong & safe. I love you, and I want the best for your happiness. What I have to do to help you, let me know.** ---I am so lucky to have a best friend like Sam.--- I heart browneyes....(that belong to Sam). Shannon...if you need someone to talk to, let me know. I know that some things may be going wrong/right, and it's good to share those things with someone that you can trust. I am here for you, as always. What else? I contemplate what else I should type, since I will not be updating for some time...or that's what I guess at least. I am addicted to livejournal, and I need to slow it down just a bit... OH MY! Sam & I bought a mouse. We named it Harlem. No, not because we are both black, but because we like the name & it is in a Elton John song. Oh yeah, did I inform you guys that I am now black? Cause I am... I feel so random...what is this about? Went to band practice tonight...that was dramatic. Sam. His smile is so personal. It's an easy thing to get lost in...and it makes me happy to see it...it's like a blanket, it makes me feel safe. I want to kiss his smile! Now! Tattoo's...fun stuff. You know what a good invention is? Tupperwear...oh yes, it is. Lifeless to myself, I am so sore...and I want icecream. Goodnight kids, and sweet dreams. post comment

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! [15 Feb 2002|11:59am] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | Denison Witmer: "Breathe in this life" ] Yay, I'm 16 today! I'm so stoked... I'm celebrating with Shannon, Sam, Brian, Brittany, Adam & Sierra...I'm so happy! Well, I've comtemplated my profession to a higher calibur and I've really been stuck on public relations for the White House. I really want it, bad. If all fails, I'll be a starving artist...a writer. THANK YOU SHANNON~I LOVE THE ODE!!! YOU MAKE ME HAPPY WHEN SKIES ARE GREY!!!! Bye kids, have wonderful days! 3 comments|post comment

I am a healer...how exciting!! [12 Feb 2002|10:39pm] HEALER (Submissive Extrovert Concrete Feeler ) Anni Like just 9% of the population you are a HEALER (SECF)-- caring, good with people, and patient. You are completely selfless and full of love. As a concrete feeler, you do well with your emotions, which are very strong. You understand and appreciate *why* you feel the way you do, and for the most part you're at peace with yourself. Suffering in the world really pisses you off. In relationships, it's easy for you to get hurt. Avoid all kinds of dominant (D***) people, *especially* in dating or marriage. You are a motherly figure, even if you're a guy. If you're a girl, make sure you're a mom some day. The world's children need people like you. If you're a guy, don't even think about it. Most pedophiles are HEALERS. On the rare occasions when you try to assert yourself, you're cute and awkward, but highly effective. 2 comments|post comment

I hate liars. [12 Feb 2002|05:07pm] I'm sick of liars...liars that claim to be my friends. I miss Brian. I'm so stoked I found my Smashing Pumpkins greatest hits!! I'm talking to Sam on the phone. He is so cute. Valentine's Day is 2 days away! Wow, man! My birthday is the day after Valentine's day!! Yay!! Water tastes good to my tummy... I'm so happy that I talked to Brian last night!! I have to go, I'm tired, and going to hang out with Sam. 7 comments|post comment

Today... [11 Feb 2002|07:03pm] I went out to lunch with Vegan, Sam & Dean. That was pretty rad. Skipped 4th, 5th & 6th. Damn I hate school. By the way, I got caught skipping, so I must cut back just a smidge, to be cautious. ::smiles of excitement:: My birthday is in 3 days!! (3 days tomorrow). Right now I am listening to the greatest band in the world. The Smashing Pumpkins...what a legend. Shannon, I really enjoyed your most recent livejournal post. I don't know who you are talking about, but I think something like that applies to all of us. Everyone should find the meaning of life for themselves. It's important that you understand, as well. So I get my liscense soon. The biggest mistake my parents ever made was buying me a car. Seriously, what the hell...I will never be at school or at home! I will spend all day with friends or in Portland. I'm tired...I think I am going to read, then sleep. Oh yeah! And a little homework... 1 comment|post comment

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