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*~*rain*~*'s LiveJournal:
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| Monday, December 24th, 2001 | | 2:23 pm |
SO i'm still compulsivly checking my e-mail... and waiting... not freaking out, just wanted a responce... ANYWHO.
TOnight it's c-cam eve... going to byrons... lots of food... UGGGG... so much for me not putting on weight during break. It's not that i was trying to loose weight, but i've been so good about working out i was hoping to tone a little, so i can be a hot lil buff grrl when i get back to school :-P
Blah... not much else to say... Happy holly-daze | | Sunday, December 23rd, 2001 | | 12:04 pm |
getting better
SO i've been waiting with baited breath for a very important e-mail for a few days now. The time is dragging... And iv'e been compulsivly checking my e-mail... oye.
Fun time last night with some of my HS boys. Yup, i got to be the token dyke friend and make fun of the boys for not knowing how chicks minds work.
I'm realising now that i'm getting a lot better at loveing... now i just need to find the right person to give that love too... and i'm not going to stop looking or searching till i get it right.
I've grown so much over the past year... *this* is why i love new years, it offers an aniversery and a 'check up' to your life's progress. God, i can look back to last year and laugh... i've come a long way... but there is still a long way to go.
RIght now i'm working on forgivness... something i've always had trouble with... forgiving others but mostly forgiving myself. Ummmm... sorta... if some one asks for forgiveness ~boom~ they get it in my book... but i never promise things will go back to the way they were before. I've never really tried to forgive myself... that is something i must work on. FOrgi=venss is the final act of love. If i can't forgive you then it shows i never truly loved you.
I'm getting better at loving ME... so hopefully i'll finally be able to forgive myself for some things i've done in my life.
I also have to think about forgiving those who haven't asked... a few names pop into my mind... and then there is the whole biological father thing.
I got a check from him for c-mas... my brother and i each did. Along with it came a letter... the same old song and dance. "I love you, i want to be part of your life... yadda yadda yadda" While this seems to make things better it doesn't. WOrds loose there power when you hear them over and over again... and there is never any action tandom with it.
SO i have money i wasn't expecting to get... it isn't much, but hey... i can put it twards car insurance.
My brother will surely blow the money on something... but i'm glad he has that option...
A few years ago i gave jeff my check... i didn't want anything from my biological father. SO i handed over $100 to my brother. Dad has played so many games with my brother and i... i didn't want anything to do with him. There was the whole horrible time he liveed with us, the drinking and the mind games, there there was how and why he left... then there was the divorce... NOT pretty... then the child support battle began... and lasted too long. COurt date after court date... then there was when he took off... on my brother 10th birthday... nice guy huh? Even when he was missing the games didn't stop. There was the infamouse year i got something for my birthday, but jeff got nothing... Happy 13th jeff. That was the year i gave jeff my c-mas check.
You can't erace the pain and the damage my biological father has caused...
There are times i wonder if he saw me today weould he recognise me? the last time he saw me i was... god... i was in 8th grade... i had loooong hair i could sit on... i wasn't too much shorter then i am now ~giggles~ but i still had baby fat on my face...
I've grown up... ALOT... if he saw me now would he know that i'm his flesh and blood? The thought intriges me... but it also acares me.
He knows nothing about me... nothing... he doesn't know that i'm in college... that i have a major, and a life plan... he doens't know that i've had a few broken hearts, or that i've broken a few myself... he doens't know that i almost died back in highschool... or that i like grrls, or that i was raped, or that i've gotten scholarships for the past 3 years... anything
he knows nothing about me... ~shivers~ ok i'm cold... i'm going upstairs now | | Friday, December 21st, 2001 | | 11:43 pm |
boring
*This* is why i can't stand h-town... BORING. It's not even midnight and i'm home... in PJ's and i really haven't done much all day. I'm hoping to have some high quality catch up time with my high school boys soon. You know and get to be that non-typical, sure i'll chech out girls with you, and talk openly about sex grrl that they know and love :-D
Time off has been nice, but i'm missing my freedom... under mom's roof again so i have rules and regs, and i can't take off at 2am like i do at school... grrrr.
But i guess i should enjoy it while i can... i'll start full time work the day afer c-mas untill the day i go back to school. SO i'll be a frazzzled lil grrl by the end of break.
ANYWHO... there was a lifetime movie on that i kinda wanted to see... yup, my life here in holliston is a sad sad thing... plus i need a re-fill on my coffee | | Thursday, December 20th, 2001 | | 7:27 pm |
i want OUT
ugggg... what a day. SO my darling friend Alley came over, we went out for some d&d;'s and then rented movies... gay movies. My mom wasn't home she wasn't due home untill 6. But every car thet drove by i was scared it was her. My mom doen'st know about me... and i'm so afraid for her to know... and i hate being afraid. I'm so 'out' everywhere else. In my dorm i don't have a problem stealing a kiss or holding hands or watching a gay movie in the comon area of where i live. I wear my rainbow necklace and my 'no boys allowed shirt' with PRIDE. BUt when i'm home with my mother it's different. I'm scared. I don't wear my necklace... and i hide who i am. It was so horrible today. I was scared my mom was going to walk in the house and see two cute baby dykes watching a gay movie and figgure me OUT. SHe was going to see the 'celebrate diversity' bumper sticker on alley's car and realise what the rainbows on my car meant.
Alley left before mom got home and i wasn't caught... but i hate the way this feels. I wannt scream at the top of my lungs "mom, life is about finding who it is we want to fall in love with... and if i fall in love with a boy or a grrl it's still love... it's spelled with the same god damn 4 letters."
I hate hiding who i am... i hate it i hate it i hate hate it.
~*~rain*~* | | Tuesday, December 18th, 2001 | | 4:34 pm |
oye
SOOOOOO bored. I came home yestersay after my test... i think it went ok. I drove home in the storm... no fun... i had a bad scare with a fishtale... YUCK... me NOT a fan of snow driving.
I've been in my house for a lil over 24 hours and i'm already boared out of my mind. I don't start work untill after c-mas, and everyone i know is either in worcester, still at school or working. I have fun plans tonight with leigh, but that doens't help me NOW. I'd take the car out and do my much needed c-mas shopping, but i'm not sure if lil Karanna can handle it, she's still a lil broken at the moment.
AGHHHHH!!!! I'm going to go insane here. I mean i have been doing so well the fast fwew weeks, i've been happy and stuff, buit i'm woried the bordom of h-town is going to kill that spark that has rekindled in me.
Boared boared boared.... the highlights of my day have been shaving and plucking my eyebrows... you know it's bad *when*
Ok... i guess i'm going to go upstairs and thaw out... maybe i'll ignore that horrible noise my car is making and try to get some shopping done... yeah... i guess that's a plan. | | Sunday, December 16th, 2001 | | 2:53 pm |
flashback
This was last years mass i love you e-mail, and it still kinda fits :-)
Well kids it's that time again... the end of one year and the begining of another. You all know that i tend to be a little maudilin and over sencitive at times- but hey it's why you love me right?!?!?!? Well i'd like to take this moment to tell you say that i love you guys!!! And i don't know what else to say, i guess ani said it best, "i owe my life to the people that i love" It's times like these when you realize just how lucky you are. I have been truly blessed to have each of you in my life, and when the big sparkly ball drops anouncing the new year, even if i'm not with you, you will be part of my thoughts.
Well, here's to a great new year with less: stress, pain, broken hearts, tears of unhappiness, self destuctive behavior, fights, hatred, gossip, and all the rest of that shit.
and more: sunny days, nights of passion, thunder storms, coffee talks, tears of joy, dancing, laughing, clear nights when you can see that stars, A's, of us being good and true to ourselves, parties, relaxation, smiles, crazy times, peace, happiness and love then last year.
I love you all,
kristen | | 2:37 pm |
goodbye...
It's been such a good weekend and now it's time to buckle down and study for my psyc final. It's so strange tot hink this will be the last night i speand in this bed untill next year... that i prolly won't be on AIM or updating here untill next year... Oh well.
hmmmm... so since you prolly won't be hearing from me untill 2002 i guess i'll write all the lessons i leared this year.
-things don't turn out the way you expect them
-drunken conversations don't mean much
-after the darkest hour comes the dawn
-i am stronger then i thought i was
-i AM capapble of talking about my feelings, i just have to make them kinda cryptic :-P
-not everyone puts the same meaning behind the word 'i love you' as i do.
-life has a funny way of keeping us on our toes
-sometimes it the little insignificant things that change our lives.
-prayer really works
-a true friend is someone you can call crying and they will drop whatever they are doing to turn your frown upside down
-i might not be so good at relationships, but i'm one hell of a matchmaker
-sometimes you sober up 5 seconds too late
-we'd all be a lot better at being happy if we weren't so good at pretending we are happy.
That's it for now... i might update more today... you know since i *should* be studying... and you might get lil updates during break... we'll see. | | 2:06 am |
gooood night
SOOOO much fun tonight... photo shoot with Lou and Bridge, it was nice to see that girls... Nicole came too... so that was xxx-tra fun. After photos Nicloe and i went to denny's... my tummy's not TOO happy right now... but anyway...
Time for bed, good night means sweet dreams (for those of you who do that) | | 12:13 am |
WTF
ME so confused... can you make sence of all this?
Background: Amber and i broke up about a month ago after an intence relationship. She went to visit an old friend, ex gf Katie (in indianna... we live in Ma) after we broke up. SHe's been there for two weeks. SHes' called a few times since she's been down there. She keeps hinting that katie and her are bak together... meanwhile i know Katie wanted to marry Amber when amber and i were together. Amber won't tell me details about whats going on... she wants to tell me in person.
Everytime we talk she makes a huge deal about so your sure we can still be friends, your sure you're going call me when i get back to Ma, And she mentions going out for coffee with me like 100 times each time we talk.
SO tonight... she calls me cryig and all she says is "just talk to me" I find out that she got on the bus to come home. I manage to calm her down. Then she says "notice i called you and not anyone else" I asked her why that was and all she says was "because"
While making small talk i come to find out that in her walkman is enya's a day without rain. (a CD she bought me, but never gave me... my name is rain)
So i'm all confused... am i reading too far into this... or what?
Can any of you help me figgure out what's going on in her head?
~*~rain~*~ | | Saturday, December 15th, 2001 | | 5:04 pm |
My short skirt
My short skirt
is not an invitation
a provacation
an indications
that i want it
or give it
or that or hook
My short skirt
is not begging for it
It does not want you
to rip it off me
or pull it down.
My short skirt
is not a legal reason
for raping me
although it has before
it will not hold up
in the new court.
My short skirt, beleive it or not
has nothing to do with you.
My short skirt
is about discovering
the power of my lower calves
about cool automn air traveling
up my inner thighs
about allowing everything i see
or pass or feel to live iside
My short skirt is not proof
that i am stupid
or undecided
or a malleable little grrl
My short skirt is my defiance
I will not let you make me afraid
My short skirt is not showing off
this is who i am
before you made me cover it
or town it down
Get used to it
My short skirt is happiness
I can feel myself on the ground
i am here, i am hot
My short skirt is a liberation
flag in the women's army
I declair thses streets, any streets
My vagaina's country.
My short skirt
is turquoise water
with swimming colored fish
a summer festival
in the stary dark
a bird calling
a train arriving in a forign town
My short skirt is a wild spin
a full breath
a tango dip
My short skirt is
initiation
appreciation
excitation.
But mainly my short skirt
and everything under it
is Mine
Mine
MINE.
DO you see why i fell in love with this monolouge? DO you feel empowered? I do EVERYTIME i read it.
AHHHHH... i CAN'T beleive this is really happening... life is good.
For more details on JUST HOW COOL *THIS* IS check out: vday.org | | 5:56 am |
pride font
I'm wondering if anyone knows how i can make the font on my AIM change colors. I've seen it in chatrooms, but i'm not sure if it's possiible to do with insta' messenger. I just want my font color to change every letter... or few letter or every word. It doesn't seem like that's *too* complex. Does anyone know if this is possible?
~*~rain~*~ | | 4:05 am |
| | 2:08 am |
that i would be good
SO i was washing dishes and Mareen walked in... the one who reamed me out the other night. We walked right past no smile, no hello, no nothing. You know what i have to say about that? Fine... whatever... if she won't accept my appologies or explination then whatever. NOTHING could ruin my good mood.
that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing
that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy
that I would be good even if I lost sanitythat I would be good
whether with or without you | | 1:43 am |
this year will be better then that last...
Ahhhhh... life is good... good good good :-)
I'm sitting on *MY* side of the room. I just put a pic of my new cool roomie and i on the door :-) Yup, jen and i were friends BEFORE we moved in together, no more of this move in with someone i don't know stuff. YAY
I found out i got the part i wanted in the play :-) Yup, i beat out all the other girls, and i am reading "my short skirt" in the VM's.
I'm on the top of th world right now. I had a great time at the party last night. and i woke up feeling GOOD... no hang over or nothing :-) YAY
Oh yes, i even found my meal card... so i can eat today :-) It's the little things that make life good... but on the other hand... Are there really any little things?
lalalalalala
~dances on the ceiling~
MEEEEEEEE | | Friday, December 14th, 2001 | | 5:51 am |
long december
A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leavin'
Now the days go by so fast
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...I wish you would
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California...I think you should
Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean... I guess I should | | Thursday, December 13th, 2001 | | 3:01 pm |
oye
Played with sean tonight... lots of drunken stupper... we watched base-ketball... or something like that... and drank. It was nice to chill with him. I've known him sice frosh year, and he's a good kid. And... well anniverseries... yeah...
We cuddled, and it was nice. I haven't had that since amber...
mmm... time to go to bed | | 10:36 am |
unpacking
Good day, back to being happy. Stress does that to me... and after a long time of being depressed... i was scared. Rehersals for the VM's tonight... still no word on what parts we get. But it was fun. I mean how can you not have a good time when your asked to act out what your vagina does on a 'good day' or you have to fake an orgasm on stage...
a good time was had by all. WAHOO...
I'm back on MY side of the room. Still unpacking... but this is the begining of a new start.
Kristi just called... we chatted, it was good. I'm a lil nervouse abot seeing her... but i'll get over it.
You know i never want to be in a situation where i see someone on the street... someone i had been with, and walk past without saying hi... or something... but at the same time...i don't want to have that "hi... yeah we used to sleep together didn't we? conversation.
I guess the key is to be careful with who you get naked with :-P
Ok... gonna unpack more :-) | | 8:55 am |
*yawn*
kines test is done... it's over... and it's out of my hands. I sat down with a calculator and tried to figgure this all out. My test average i think is like an 85... attendence (*might* count for as much as %15... this is VERY up for debate though) So lets say i went to half the classes... i honestly think it's more... but lets just say half for now. YAY i can pass the class with better then a C- with these estimates.
YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY. ~deep breath~
I ended up reading over my notes once lat night then going to bed. I set my alarm for 7, thinking i'd study before my *:30 class. Too bad i didnt wake up untill 8:15... oh yes... LOTS of fun.
I'm feeling better today. I was just so scared last night of this test... and yeah
good news: bethany finishes moving out today... Jennie starts moving in... YAY :-)
It's a fresh start | | 8:55 am |
*yawn*
kines test is done... it's over... and it's out of my hands. I sat down with a calculator and tried to figgure this all out. My test average i think is like an 85... attendence (*might* count for as much as %15... this is VERY up for debate though) So lets say i went to half the classes... i honestly think it's more... but lets just say half for now. YAY i can pass the class with better then a C- with these estimates.
YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY. ~deep breath~
I ended up reading over my notes once lat night then going to bed. I set my alarm for 7, thinking i'd study before my *:30 class. Too bad i didnt wake up untill 8:15... oh yes... LOTS of fun.
I'm feeling better today. I was just so scared last night of this test... and yeah
good news: bethany finishes moving out today... Jennie starts moving in... YAY :-)
It's a fresh start | | Wednesday, December 12th, 2001 | | 10:25 pm |
tight rope
Uggg... i can feel the begining... the begining of slipping. All day... even while having fun in noho... i could feel that sensation... the sensation that i was on the edge of slipping back.... back...
It's not quite to the point where my head feels hollow... or my arms have that dull ache and tingle... but it's just enough... just enough to remind me if i'm not careful i could slip back into it. I like being happy... i've been enjoying it. But i'm so scared i'm going to wake up and it's all going to be gone and that emptyess will return.
I have to try to study, but the haze is trying to return.
i remember freshman year this time... i had a break down in the middle of the common area on DH 5th floor. I through my book and burst into tears. My room mate was on the phone so a girl down the hall let me use hers to call my mom... i ended up going home... i missed my exam... i was allowed to take it at another date...
When i went home all i did was sleep... i slept for a few days straight. Breakdowns are fun.
hmmm... it's no wonder the girls i live with think i'm nuts... or *something*
*This* is what exams do to me...
i'm trying so hard to stay in control... i've been doing so well... i finally had snapped out of that depressive phase.
What i need to do is sit down and study... but it's stressing me out to do that... but as the mins float by the bar gets higher and higher... and the pressure to study increases...
it's a never ending cycle...
I want to get away from this apartment... from these girls.... and i'll be doing that soon enough... but my 'vacation' from here is home. I hope my fragile psyce can handle that.
I think that's my problem... i'm just now getting used to happyiness again... it's tight wire walk... the slightest brease could send me tumbling back in to the abyss.
in the middle of all this mist i get an IM from laurie... she has a pic of me as her new screen saver... hehehe.
ok... going to try AGAIN to be productive... must at least keep trying |
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