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Saturday, July 6th, 2002
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9:31 pm - white
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its the deepness. the aching. i can't describe it's compounded intensity. but it's centered. grounded, burrowed, pulsating...right beneath the surface. it's like fumbling...searching for words that fall dead like icy whispers. and i hate when you're away from me. the shadows..the silhouettes of you that haunt me. makes skin and finger tips numb. eyes hazy. brain wander. loneliness in your absence. i have never understood that emotion..to be lonely, needing of another energy outside of your own. i grew up with me. my arms to hug me tight. my laughter to play with. the simple thought of needing you stuns my body, my mind, everything. and i'm not sure whether this..thing i have gnawing at me is missing you, or hating that i could already miss you oh so much? dependence is the worst thing that could happen to me. that is my wall. my fortress. my guard is down, and i love you.
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| Sunday, June 30th, 2002
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10:18 pm - meryl streep
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acclaim is a stunning enemy.
...a wickedly deceptive guise
of confidence and glory
painted with a coy, complacent gloss
of colleague and esteem.
...a temperance of scathing retort
lurking quietly in the shadows
of vibrant applause.
...a cracked veneer of ragged cliches
made new with every blind acceptance
and hopeless self indulgence.
...a scattered palette of indifference,lingering for the slow-dry chance to whitewall a career a la nouveau.
...a mask of hideous beauty that will compulsively steal
creativity, murdering all humble beginnings with every cunningly calculated stroke.
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| Wednesday, June 26th, 2002
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9:14 am - Misunderstood...a reoccuring(and rightly so) theme
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http://miva.zodiacal.com/acro.mv "Name Analyzer"
I found this to be quite curious. It's very true, and since my first and middle name have some of the same letterings(an m, two e's....),that's the reason for the broken record routine....
**First Name**
You want to be productive and feel useful, and enjoy helping solve problems. You like to be busy and not waste time. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood. You have good recuperative abilities. You are determined. You have much enthusiasm with a driving attitude toward achievement in life. You work hard to achieve material success through your own efforts.
**Middle Name**
You have a love of travel and adventure, and you enjoy sports. You also have a very strong sense of fair play and want justice. You have a need to be up front. You need to learn when to let go. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood.
**Last Name**
You work hard to achieve material success through your own efforts. You have a great deal of loyalty to those you love. You have much inner strength. You have a talent for working with people on a one to one basis. There is a compulsion for change and rebirth on all levels. There is a need to guard your health. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind. You try to be prudent. You have good business acumen.
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| Sunday, June 23rd, 2002
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10:37 am - "the dark crystal" or "which shard to choose?"
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sometimes you crave a loyal fan following. a slice of celebrity. an escape from routine. a break away. an answer to a question. a fragment from a dream. searching to find it's the search. the adrenaline. the hunt. the chase. it's all relevant really.
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| Thursday, June 20th, 2002
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10:18 pm - just to fill in some space.......
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frank moves when you put the cursor on him...huh, never saw that before.
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| Monday, June 17th, 2002
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1:45 am - "dude can i bum a cig?"
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sewing ones wild oats has become decidely overrated. that is, when it comes to going out around harco.has it become a matter of beeing seen to be seen? if so, please hide me. in a corner. behind a cabinet.with a six pack of woodchuck or some other tasty alcoholic beverage. and some decent music. oh yeh, and maybe three cool friends. people that get witty references and obscure jokes. that's all i ask for.
"you've got like...blue eyes. and...like...dark hair. and like..hair."
"wear and share girls. your condoms that is."
girlenters party. girl sees other girl who is a friend, friend sees girl who is looking at her."AHHHHHHHHHH" a loud scream ensues.
how many times can i roll my eyes in one night?
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| Sunday, June 16th, 2002
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1:07 pm - crooked little smile
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and days go by. it amuses me that reality alludes so many of my friends from high school. "the girls", who i grew up with, shared sports with, and clothes and boys, for that matter. the girls who i got drunk with too young. the girls i spent hot summer nights with, swimming and singing and talking about the future. so many memories with them...and it seems a lifetime away. almost all of them call those the best times of their lives, and they were good, i will agree. but, i don't see how they could say that, when we have only been on this earth for 21 years, some (including me) a little less than that. their lives and the road ahead is vast and endless, and with 21 being a milestone of an age, it seems awfully trite and dramatic to make such a statement. but maybe that's why we grew apart, starting senior year. and maybe that's why they continue to struggle and throw tantrums and get angry that everyone doesn't spend as much tim getting together as before. but that's the nature of who they are, i suppose. and i am looking forward to each new turn and twist in my life, without looking backward. it's good to pause and remember and have a good laugh, and i do that, and i smile. but really, the times they are a changin' and i don't plan on trapping myself in the past. what good can come from it? if you stay there for too long, the rest of life will almost certainly pass you by. i take a part of each of my friends with me, some good, some bad. they have all been aprt of something i have learned about myself. if that's all the time that i have of them, then so be it. they will always be remembered, and i think having that frame of mind makes it that much sweeter when i do have a chance to see them. we are growing at such a rapid speed that it's amazing to me, not something to be angry with. you can't help life, that's what happens to you, you know? besides, in the end, there are only a few individuals who stay with you your whole life, those special lifelong friends. I have three: kelly, kate, and jess. and i know that i could go five years without seeing them and things would be exactly the same when we came together. that's real friendship, and something precious that i value. i wish nothing but the best for everyone in my life, whether they have become more like acquaintances than friends now, or those who i talk to on a regular basis. life is too short for grudges and what-could-have-been's. it's a brand new day, and that's all that counts to me.
current mood:  optimistic
current music: norah jones
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| Friday, May 31st, 2002
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7:15 pm - Christmas in June
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I am off to florida for 10 ten days with Thomas. "Ooh...ten whole days of non-stop Meek-ness" is what I taunted him with yesterday. He just smiled and kissed my forehead. He is so cool, I love him for little things just like that. Meanwhile, the longest length of time we have spent together consistently was seven days. Those three extra days will do it....haha...oh boy oh boy. No seriously, I am curious to see. I usually get sick to death of people after about four days. Last year, when we went to Cape May, I never had that feeling, not once. So I am interested. Plus, I am a big ball of annoying energy, and my only child vibe comes out big time when I am on vacation. Very demonic in fact. Wickedly demonic. Insert horns and a tail here. Ahh, but the force is strong in that one. Stay tuned...
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| Saturday, May 25th, 2002
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8:19 am - tupelo honey
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my friend angela is getting married today to eric, a guy she has been with from her mid-teenage to her early 20's life. i have to say it will be cool to go to a wedding, to celebrate love- i am a huge fan of weddings. but i'm a skeptical fan of marriage. it's hard to distinguish between love and comfort for some people, and i often think that the those caught in the limbo of the two are the first ones to jump on the happily ever after bandwagon. so so so many marriages have this vibe emitting from them, that it scares me. i have always vowed to myself that i will die alone before i let anything less than love enrapture me, and i'm sure those people did too. but some things are more important than love, to some. children, image, money, career. whatever drives you binds you. well, in all honesty, i can say that love, above all else, is my grace, my faith, and what holds everything i believe in together. this is not some kind of romantic notion of love- rose petals, a grassy field, angels singing- it's a real force that moves my life. i refuse to give up on it, even when it remains elusive to me, or gets tough, because that's the real test of where you stand. it's so easy to pick the first person who provides that stability to your mind, and a warm coziness to your heart. to me, that's nice, but not what love is about. that's what trust is about, which is ONE huge important aspect to love, but not the entire basis, nor a reason to committ yourself on that level. the deeper qualities define love-the way you can tell what they are thinking, the things you say in the silences, the conversations, the electricity when you touch, the recklessly pasionate way you make-love-- and this is what my search has always been for. sure, it's possible to fall in and out of love. i believe that one person can love many people, but i also believe that each person has a soulmate. i believe you'll know who they are only when looking backwards at yourselves: how you met, the obstacles, the courtship. it's my soulmate who i will marry one day, and i will settle for nothing less than true love.
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| Tuesday, May 7th, 2002
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12:38 am - haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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itd fun to br wasted. i have been good sdtudent all nyear and noe is ny chance to be abd. bafd bad bad
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| Friday, May 3rd, 2002
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9:45 am - i want to make this into a tee shirt
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9:29 am - the path i take always leads to you
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i have the end of the semester blues- yeh, i find that bizarre, since most people are ecstatically happy to have the semester over and done with. i seem to get this way at the close of each schoolyear. i think it's because i know i have to go back in the fall and start the process allll over again. it's so mundane really- i hate the loop. "it takes five years to be a teacher". oh yes, indeed it does, which means i have about two left, and then graduate school. eeeeeee! tom and i have decided that we are backpacking through europe, maybe next summer,or the summer after that. we both have romatic notions about exploring the world with nothing but the clothes on our backs, a few euros, and each other to lead the path. we are both wanderers, although he is more of a vagrant than i am- i have not been independant from home long enough to be called a vagrant. he goes where the wind takes him, always, and i admire that greatly. i think he sometimes wishes he could be completely nomadic, but he is far to responsible for that, and he is determined to wait for me to finish my degree(s). my friends tell me that we have the most interesting relationship that they have seen, which amuses me. my roomate was telling me the other day that we are so unpredictable and random in the things that we do. it's very true though....but i like that about my life with him- we are always somewhere do something, not caring about time or place, just happy to be experiencing the moment with each other. what a strange life it would be if we ended up spending all of our days with one another....a whirlwind of emotions rush through me about that....i'll save that for another day
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| Monday, April 22nd, 2002
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2:57 pm - i really must stop
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| Sunday, April 21st, 2002
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9:00 pm - your melody, for karen
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hanging onto those dizzing heights
"perform another piroette love and show us
your frailities."
weighted down by that heart on your sleeve
"your clumsy to weep love and show us
your bruises."
they tell you the fall will be worth the pain
jump a little faster love and give them their pity.
but the sacrifice isn't worth your spirit
so stay a little longer love
and defy their convention.
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| Friday, April 19th, 2002
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1:09 pm - at least im not bjork
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| Thursday, April 11th, 2002
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8:41 pm - infinite
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melancoly rims the corner of your eyes
the ebb and flow changes in disguise
steeped in pain , violent in passion
your wild hunger invokes retension
and it chases you down
hunts your weakness
with an echoing roar
and only time will taste your struggle.
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| Wednesday, April 10th, 2002
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12:48 am - lolololololol
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conan obrien is the funniest show ever..im going to pee my pants...
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| Saturday, April 6th, 2002
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9:17 am - soulmates?
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sometimes i wonder about what seems like a lifetime ago. i am fascinated with the crossroads, fascinated with temptations of fate. it's different then saying i wonder what could have been, because it couldn't have been, i decided that on my own. or did i? meeting one person, one single person can change your entire exsistence. could it be that their whole life and yours too unfolded in the exact manner that would lead you to meet each other? every single event in their life mapped in such a way, as to weave slowly towards yours? the idea of this overwhelms me, the power it holds is so...unreal...yet i truly believe in it. call me a romantic, but there are too many coincidentals and crossings along the journey to slow it down with doubt. call me a dreamer, but there are too many reflections from my youth to block it out with ignorance. call me a fool, but there is too much love in my heart, and assurance in the fibers of my being to shackle it with denial. whatever it is, there is a powerful spirit connecting us, all of us.
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| Thursday, April 4th, 2002
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10:52 pm - and the wwf is not "just like a soap opera"
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10:46 pm - ramblin' dazey
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confidence in you is confidence in me...i've lost a little bit of my spirit lately, the rut i have anticipated has dug itself from my subconcious, forcing itself fresh into the world, air to breath and the like. i am oh so tired of being in between..oh so tired
current mood:  confused
current music: jimi
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