Friday, February 8th, 2002
|
|
11:08 pm
|
i'm in one of those achey horrible moods where i torture myself way more than necessary. oh but wait, isn't that what i do all the time anyway?
i'm really lonely. really fucking lonely.
|
|
(2 comments |comment on this)
|
|
Thursday, February 7th, 2002
|
|
4:59 pm
|
|
|
Wednesday, February 6th, 2002
|
|
5:27 pm
|
i'm feeling a bit better. still kind of fainty/headachey, but i made myself dinner (like i actually cooked something that wasn't grilled cheese or a peanut butter sandwich) so i'm feeling kind of good in my ability to maybe be able to take care of myself and be almost grownup-ish. i mean my birthday is soon and all and i will be the big 1-9. (yeah 3 months is soon... ;P )
i plan on catching up on mail and stuff in the next few days because i've been really slacking and it's embarassing. so tell me if i owe you zines, or you want to trade, or anything. i still have to send lindsey my zine and i've been saying i would since the summer. yikes. check your mailboxes kids. ;)
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Tuesday, February 5th, 2002
|
|
1:35 am - everybody sees a funny look in our eyes...
|
first:
i saw mirah tonight. wow. *swoonswoonswoonswoon*
ken totally kicked my ass in simpsons wrestling. (though i'm not sure if repeatedly jumping on someone's head is really fighting fair.) ;)
i had a sort of freak out incident which sort of scared the hell out of me and made me realize that i should really go to the doctor to see how totally unheathy i actually am.
whatelsewhatelse.
alright i'll just skip to the good part. well. i don't know. i think so anyway. ;)
second:
here are some haikus i wrote during one of the really boring opening bands.
dear boys on the stage
just because you can do it
doesn't mean you must
smoking while you play
fuck the surgeon general
i am just that cool
i need to hear me
fix the monitors please, dude
i am all there is
you are so boring
please get off the stage now
you make my head hurt
this is what i fear:
crushed toes and beer spilled on me
alas, i am short
vision of the club
i am higher than you all
what power i have
it's neat how my seat
vibrates with each note you play
thank you very much
my bum is so hot
sitting on this silly lamp
maybe we should move
boys please shut up
why are people still clapping?
really, yer awful!
ken is super cute
i crush on him so hardcore
he's my bestfriend. rock!
<3 <3 <3
|
|
(3 comments |comment on this)
|
|
Monday, February 4th, 2002
|
|
11:11 am - to be or not to be - now complete with more cleaning power!
|
i rented hamlet 2000 yesterday and the whole 2000 part makes me laugh. because it sounds like some silly product on an informercial (which i would surely buy given my history with informercials) or maybe a political campaign. buy a hamlet 2000 for all your sneaky angsty teenage needs. hamlet 2000 will get rid of unwanted kings.
i know you probably aren't supposed to say 2000 after hamlet and it's just supposed to be there so you can tell the difference, but it's way more fun that way.
the best hamlet related thing i've heard in awhile comes from the honors lounge:
girl one: oh i love that version of hamlet! (i believe the one from 1996)
girl two: nah he takes too long to die.
random much? yes.
current mood:  blah
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Sunday, February 3rd, 2002
|
|
10:56 pm - i'm lonely.
|
|
|
|
5:22 pm
|
i'm taking this political science class which seems amazing, but gosh, it's hard.
i can barely read the book. i have a lot of problems reading theory/ non-fiction in general. so i'm just so completely confused.
and in the class i feel pretty dumb or just out of it. like i missed something. why can everyone quote hobbes? i mean, i can quote the only hobbes that really matters anyway, though i doubt my teacher would find that useful.
but seriously. when did everyone read hobbes?
|
|
(3 comments |comment on this)
|
|
Friday, February 1st, 2002
|
|
2:34 am - the book of love is long and boring...
|
tonight i saw kyle's (from rainer maria) new solo project with ken. 'twas rad until the guy who went on after kyle said "cock tease." but i think the girl from the band before kyle smiled at me. in fact, i'm sure she did. ;)
i saw eleanor (indulgence) there and even worked up the nerve to talk to her. okay, well maybe more of a shove from ken than nerve really. but she was really sweet and rad so it was really really neat.
i've been practicing speaking french a lot and my accent is all sorts of crazy. bad new york combined with german and the kind of french they speak on tv. but i sure sound sexy when i say 55. (as it is one of the few numbers that i can actually pronouce.)
current mood:  sleepy
current music: magnetic fields
|
|
(1 comment |comment on this)
|
|
Monday, January 28th, 2002
|
|
7:30 pm - imagine the traffic situation if dead end streets were one way...
|
political arguments make me stutter and sound dumb. i just have so much trouble articulating what i need to say and i tend to just be like, "uh. because." it's so frustrating and sometimes i just want to cry because i just can get words to make sense. i need to get more involved with things. i want to talk politics without feeling totally inadequate and terrified.
in other news, school started today. but it was just a day of listening to people talk about maps. though there was a photographer who spoke to us who was really interesting and made me want to take pictures. he just kept reiterating the importance of documenting, something that i've been slacking with lately. document your own history so not to be written out of it.
i have an obsession with nyc public transportation. it's just this passionate love/hate relationship. plus i found a metrocard with $25 on it. rock!
i am very tired. real classes tomorrow. oh no!
|
|
(4 comments |comment on this)
|
|
|
12:16 am - i just did something completely bizarre...
|
and i don't really want to talk about it, but i'm glad that it is done.
just another attempt to get over high school really.
i just feel really vulnerable again.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: tegan and sara
|
|
(1 comment |comment on this)
|
|
Sunday, January 27th, 2002
|
|
11:39 pm - i'll be dancing in the very front row
|
i should be sleeping i'm sure. school starts tomorrow and i can already feel that i will be up all night.
i should learn how to play the cello. i never had the poise or grace or anything to play a string instrument with a bow properly. i always tried the cello but i held it wrong and it just sounded awful.
and you don't even want to know about the violins that i have tortured...
|
|
(1 comment |comment on this)
|
|
Thursday, January 24th, 2002
|
|
11:50 pm
|
this is the pattern that results every time i attempt to clean my room:
1. sit around too lazy to do anything but acknowledging that the room needs to be cleaned.
2. stands up, somewhat motivated.
3. carries something way too heavy across the room.
4. injures back in the process.
5. writhes around in pain on the floor.
6. declares "fuck cleaning!"
repeat.
|
|
(6 comments |comment on this)
|
|
|
1:49 am
|
i'm all stressed out and can't sleep and i keep thinking of all this stuff i have to do and i want to scream. oh yeah and i'm terribly lonely.
i would pay someone to call me. i am not even kidding.
current mood: *sigh*
|
|
(3 comments |comment on this)
|
|
|
12:53 am - i hope you cope with me tonight
|
i've been away for the past few days. upstate where deer walk around in backyards which kind of blows my mind.
i'm home now. back to my room which is still a complete disaster and my life which is a disaster as well.
school starts in a few days. that should be, i don't know, interesting i guess.
blah.
current mood:  depressed
|
|
(4 comments |comment on this)
|
|
Saturday, January 19th, 2002
|
|
11:11 pm
|
i'm sleeping on the floor tonight with all my stuff packed in boxes around me and i keep getting the feeling that i'm about about to leave on a journey, to leave this life and its clutter behind. i'm not of course. i just got the weird mid afternoon urge to move all my furniture in my room. hey it's not a huge change, but maybe it'll help.
the room is a lot less cluttered now (well in theory as there are still boxes everywhere) and i think it's going to be helpful. i already feel much better and more optimistic. silly how moving a desk and getting rid of a lot of clutter can do that to you.
the purpose of this room change was to have more room for bookshelves which were desperately needed. i think it's going to be really rad. most likely i will be selling a lot of stuff of ebay and half.com in the next few days, so be on the lookout. ;)
my plans to attend beantown zinetown are almost definite as i've almost secured a floor to crash on. now i just need to finish my zine and all...
i think a lot of this sudden burst of energy is due in part to a new haircut that makes me look ever so emo. but i feel sort of kickass without my shaggy moppy hair in my way. i'm even starting to feel pretty darn cute.
current mood: sometimes i smile for no reason
current music: the mix cd ken made me
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Wednesday, January 16th, 2002
|
|
12:59 am - please don't fall on me.
|
i've been feeling strange lately, sort of just numb. sometimes i wonder if i have just given up, surrendered.
i think i've been walking around with my arms wide open. not accepting but more, "go ahead, do what you will."
sometimes i think i just don't care anymore.
i'm scared all of the time. because even if things are going well there is always that persistent nagging feeling of wondering how long it will last.
sometimes the tears don't even come anymore, but maybe that is because i am expecting them. sometimes i just feel nothing.
and this is in constant battle with the other side of me. i want to fight and i want to feel things and i want to create things.
sometimes i wonder if maybe i'm getting how strong i am mixed up with just giving up.
i'm not sure, but feeling this way makes me uncomfortable.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Monday, January 14th, 2002
|
|
10:49 pm - dear parents, please do not move my stuff. xo jen
|
the laptop and power thingy have been found. what had happened was around x-mas my parents did a big "clean up" of the main floor taking all of my stuff and throwing it in a big box. the box was then tossed in a room i can't even go in because it is too messy. so yes, the laptop has been found.
current mood: still cranky
current music: mirah
|
|
(1 comment |comment on this)
|
|
|
10:04 pm - my room = black hole. (or big mess)
|
here are somethings that are lost in my room. (or at least i really hope are in my room.):
- a bright fucking yellow camera that is completely tacky and can be seen a mile away. this is currently lost in the rubble of my room. i wonder if it will ever be seen again.
- a really important notebook
- my wallet
- my keys
- oh hell i'll admit it. one of my bags with all of the aforementioned stuff.
- too many video tapes to ever imagine.
- cds/ cd cases. (note: they are NOT together.)
and finally....which i think deserves some sort of medal...
- a laptop.
at first i had thought i had only lost the power thingy and the computer was under a big pile of stuff. i was certain it was under there. so today i checked and alas, it was not anywhere in sight.
yeah. i rule.
if you have recently been in my room and have seen any of these aforementioned objects, please inform me of where you have seen them last.
if you haven't been in my room, please fill in the following statement:
if i were a (insert object here) i would hide __________________.
thank you.
current mood:  cranky
|
|
(4 comments |comment on this)
|
|
Sunday, January 13th, 2002
|
|
11:25 pm - the only thing i believe in now is the sound of the atlantic...
|
to everyone i have ever loved (whether you have known it or not):
i wish i could go back in time and meet you again and not fuck up this time.
xo jen
current mood: lonely/scared
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
12:46 am - maybe i've lost my faith in history...
|
today started out really bad, then was alright, then was awful awful awful, and then got pretty good.
i changed my answering machine and i think i am really clever.
and annie and i *tried* to write a song.
and i thought about more than i should have.
and then we played harry potter on playstation for 2 hours.
i have a lot that i want (need) to say. more than pointless rambling about video games. and i thought that maybe this would be the weekend that maybe my zine would get done. but i'm not sure if that's the place for what i want to say.
nothing really feels comfortable anymore...
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
weird