*TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE*'s LiveJournal

Time:

5:24 pm.

so yesterday i colored my hair redwood but it didn't even come out because of the black that's still in my hair. i wore my favorite shirt to school today. i'm glad john's face is getting better. i bought him some medicine because he had blisters all over his chin and on his mouth from the sun when he went skiing. i also gave him my backpack and started using my old one because his broke.

today in history me,dawn,sarah,and thomas got called out of the class for cheating. i did the work,dawn copied and passed it around. then mr.harris said we were all getting zeros. der,really? i could have told you that. then he said he was calling our parents and might send our work up to the administrators. then he went off about how if you cheat in college you get kicked out,and he wished they did that in high school. give me a break. everyone cheats,and i'm not saying it's alright,or that i'm not at fault,because i am and cheating is wrong,but for crying out loud,he was making us out to be horrible criminals. he said all the mistakes on the papers were the same. duh.

so anyways,i came home and called my mom at work to tell her,and she said i need to tell him that i'm the one who did the work,but i really don't think he will care. i still let someone copy me.

now john can't come to church with me on sundays,and i was looking so forward to it too because hockey season just ended. now he has to play at sunday school at harvest.

he says that when i turn 18 he wants to live together but he doesn't think i'll think it's okay. i just want to be married when we live together. do it the right way. have things prepared. be sure i can pay for an apartment. ya know? and we never talk about getting married. man,we're only 17. every once in a while i'll joke around and say i want to have his kids,and they are all going to be boys. we say 5 boys so his dad can have a full line in hockey. that's the plan.

anyhow,things are going to be changing soon enough. summer will be coming and i'll be working more. i want to start putting my entire pay check in my savings,accept for money for my phone,and gas money. no more spending money on myself for stuff,and that won't be hard to do. i won't be able to go out to eat as much. easter is coming up though. i want to get john an easter basket,and buy my parents some candy,but that's it. i need to start putting more money in my savings so when the summer comes i can finally sell my car,and make the down payment on a nice used car with the money i get from selling my car,and have a good amount of money in the bank for small payments,and what not. by summer i will also have another job. i really want to get things together.

today john picked up all the packets and paper work for the SAT and ACT. i just want to get all my college stuff ready,and take all the tests i need to take,so i can pick my highest SAT score,even though i'll only be going to SAC my freshman year. so right now i'm just trying to get an A average for my GPA,and if that happens then i'll be fine. then i can transfer to another college sophomore year. i know SAC has a good video tech dept so i'm happy about that. this year went by really fast,and i hope next year does too. i just hate the first weeks of school,but next year should be pretty easy.

my dad says i'm learning people skills which is true with my job. i would like to be a waitress somewhere when i turn 18. if i get paid good and get tips everything will be cool. anyways,i'm just waiting to see if i hear back from anyone at the new resteraunt opening up the street.

i better go now so i can do my hw,and go to youth.

<3 nicole

HOLD YOUR BREATH AND WAIT UNTIL YOU SHAKE/ RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GOAL

Subject:	YEP,IT'S STILL THERE!
Time:	9:50 pm.
Mood:	aggravated.
Music:	none.

so this morning i go to work,and before i change i check my phone,and john had called so i was really excited because he is finally back. i call him and we talk. then i get off work and me and kate go to get change for mtm at HEB. then i come home and call john. finally i get a hold of him,and go over so we can go out to eat. we went all the way to maggies,but tonight you had to be 21 to get in because they were having some st.patricks day party inside. so we go to the same place we went to on valentines day. we get sat at the same table thanks to john. then afterwards we went to wherehouse music. they were playing dashboard confessional. ugh. that made me mad. i bet half the people in there didn't even have a clue who it was.

back to school tomorrow and i guess i'm as ready as ever. there's not anything to say about school. frank just IMed me. we have not talked in almost 4 months. man. yeah,i was pretty mad at him for something he did,but he asked me if there were any hard feelings and i said no. it's not like what he did to me is something i think about all the time. it was just heartless.

anyways,john had a sucky time in santa fe for a lot of reasons. i just wanted to comfort him and make it all better. tonight he said "oh,please kiss me." ha,it made me laugh. because i wouldn't kiss him. so at dinner tonight he just told me about his trip and the unwritten law show that he didn't make it to. it was a really gross story.

st.patricks day wasn't as great as i hoped it would be. oh well. i'm super hot with these socks on. whoa.

yesterday liz wrote all this crap all over my car like "I love gary johnson." dumb. that's the name of one of my managers. so me and joey spent about 15 minutes washing stuff off my car,and he was spraying me with the water hose. i think he likes me,but ehhh it's only joey.

<3 nicole

HOLD YOUR BREATH AND WAIT UNTIL YOU SHAKE/ 1 OH MY GARSH - RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GOAL

Subject:	happy early st.patricks day!
Time:	1:08 pm.
Mood:	amused.
Music:	the st. patricks day parade.

i'm watching the st.patricks day parade on tv,and getting really excited. i love irish things. my mom brought home more irish decorations for my room. i go into work at 4 and i'll probably work till closing since it's spring break,which is good,because i don't mind working until we close and not getting off earlier because i'm really in no hurry to leave,and by the last hour hardly anybody comes in so i'm getting payed to just stand around. we got this other new girl named jamie and she's really quiet. me and loriley had to go around the resteraunt and sweep up all the trash,and we laughed the entire time. you know when you get to the point where you can say anything and you laugh no matter how stupid it is. yeah,that's how it was. then earlier i talked to rachel for a while. i liked talking to her and i miss her a lot. i have not seen her since 7th grade,and maybe saying that since then growing up without her,and yet still talking to her online makes me feel like she never left,is dumb,i don't think it's dumb. i know online compared to in person or over the phone is unpersonal,but when we talk online we can talk about anything and not feel weird,because we really have changed a lot,and sometimes when people go through big changes,and they have not seen each other in a really long time,it's hard to just be so open with them,but since online is kind of unpersonal,it helps. and i find myself talking to her about more things that way.

alas john still has not called,but if anything,he has to leave from santa fe today. he has to. if he leaves tomorrow (the day before school stats) he'll get back too late. honestly this entire time he has been gone,i didn't know i had a boyfriend. oh sure i thought about him,but it just started to feel the way it felt before he came along. being alone. and hey,i didn't mind being alone,but i didn't know anything else besides being alone,but what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. right? and absence makes the heart grow fonder.

have a good day everyone!

<3 nicole

HOLD YOUR BREATH AND WAIT UNTIL YOU SHAKE/ RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GOAL

Subject:	ALL I WANT IS MY OWN
Time:	11:17 am.
Mood:	worried.

i feel pretty crappy. i miss john,and the more i think of why he hasn't called on his 7th day gone makes me worry. he could have at least called to let me know he got there okay. i mean if i was gone out of town i would call him. everyday. but he's not me,but still. i can't remember if it was easier when he was in MASS for two weeks. we talked everyday,and that helped because at least i knew what he was doing,how he was,that he was having a sucky time without me. ha. well i wanted him to have a good time while he was gone,but it's kinda nice knowing he missed me. it was so weird when he finally came back. i hadn't forgotten what he looked like,but i just remember wanting to touch him and hear him talk in person because he sounds different on the phone. i wanted everyone around us to just go away so i could talk to john,and we just looked at each other and went "hey......how's it going?" ha. i'm starting to get that feeling again like i've almost forgotten certain things about him,but this is dumb because shoot he's only been gone for 7 days. i just really think he should call so i can stop worrying. then when he comes back i'll either hear one of the following: "I missed you so much. i wish i could have spent the whole time there with you. all i thought about was you,and i got you something too. physically i was there but mentally i was with you." or "i had such a great time. yeah,we went skiing,and my dad was funny,and i played with jordan,and talked with robyn one night for a really long time,and me and my brother hardly fought." and if it's the second one i'll probably say "gee,might i have crossed your mind for a few seconds?"

i have to work today at 5 but i think i'll get there at 4:30 because there is this new girl starting today and i want to help her out. it's kind of sad that i'll be quitting because they are starting to hire all these new people who think it's going to be great to work there,but they will find that it starts to suck.

easter is coming up and it's going to be great.
<3 nicole

HOLD YOUR BREATH AND WAIT UNTIL YOU SHAKE/ RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GOAL

Subject:	ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE
Time:	11:17 am.
Mood:	apathetic.

so miss cleo was born in california,and isn't really from jamaica. well i could have told you that. seriously. anyhow yesterday turned into this really long and somewhat bad day. i wanted to cry but i never did. i'm glad i didn't because i promised myself i would only cry about the important stuff,and i do believe that yesterday it was better not to cry.

i woke up and watched some of the mighty ducks ll,and then called steph. then went to get dressed,and go to the bank. then i went to pick steph up and we didn't know where we wanted to go eat so i just drove,because we saw dj in his old granny white caprice classic car with the blue flames on the side and decided to follow him. alas,we could only follow him so far,and decided to eat at zio's. then we went to bath & body works because it was right next door,and then we went to pier l. i bought my parents this indian looking pot thing. my mom really liked it a lot.

then i took steph home and went to by hair color. i got this black blue color but i have to return it today because i can't keep coloring my hair black says my cousin. it will start to turn gray,especially because of all the chemicals i put in my hair the other day. she says i should go with a light chocolate brown. nooooooo. that's too normal. i wanted something else. i already have brown hair in the first place.

then i went to pick up an application for this new resteraunt opening up. i hate the magic time machine.

then i came home and hung up my st. patricks day stuff in my room that my mom got me. i started to fall asleep on the couch watching the bare naked ladies on tv. my phone rings,and i was hoping it was john,but instead i hear "can i speak to nicole?" "this is her." "nicole,this is gary johnson from the magic time machine just calling to see where you are." i freak out. "I'm suppose to work today? i didn't know that. i checked the schedule and it didn't say i was suppose to work today." "well nicole, my schedule says you were suppose to work today." "well the schedule up at the podium didn't say that. i don't now if i can come in today." "did you have other plans?" "yes i did,but i'll call you back and let you know." so i'm sitting there thinking gosh i just can't go in because i'm suppose to work,or maybe not because something weird is going on here. so i call and gary answers and i pretend like i'm somebody else and ask when they close. then i call again and greg answers. he's a new and really nice manager. so i tell him i didn't know i was suppose to work today,and ask him to look at the schedule up front,and tell me if it says i was suppose to work,and he says yes,but he just laughs and tells me he will see me when i get there. so then i ask him if i'm scratched off for tuesday because i scratched it off,and he says yes it is. so i'm really confused,and i'm thinking that it's the same schedule because i'm scratched off for tuesday. i leave right away and i am sooooo pissed because i knew i wasn't suppose to work. so i get there,and hurry and get ready,and there are people walking in left and right,and kate is doing podium,and loriley is there,and so is this new girl. so i go look at the schedule and somebody wrote my time in there for that day. what the hell? i mean damn i know people do that sometimes but for crying out loud if would be f'ing nice if somebody let me know i was suppose to work after they wrote in a time instead of assuming because the last freakin' day i worked was sunday and so how the hell would i know i was suppose to work on wednesday and know? and what pissed me off more was gary was acting like a serious dick. asshole. i would especially like to quit there when everything is hectic and i'll be like "this place sucks! i quit!" and just walk out and they all freak because they desperatly need me because we have a big crowd. ohhhh yeahhhh.

so i'm pissed off royaly because i'm like "I knew i wasn't suppose to work today! i knew it! and i took crap from gary." so i tell him that the only reason i didn't come in was because somone wrote a time in for me and failed to let me know. and he pretty much ignored me and just went "alright,well you're hear now,and that's all that matters." stupid man!!!! listen to me for crying out loud,don't fucking blow it off. i'm here and i wasn't suppose to be and you're a dick to me on the phone going "well nicole well nicole." oh puhhlease you asshole.

so i go in the back to call my mom and well shelly is back there crying on the couch in the banquet room. i just walk past her. i had overheard her earlier talking to gary and crying and i thought she was talking about being pregnant,but i didn't think shelly even would be one to get pregnant.

so she came in the dressing room when i'm on the phone with my mom and goes to a bathroom stall and i get off the phone. then she asks me to help her look for her glasses. she is stummbling and can't walk straight,and she is crying and her hair is a mess,and so we are looking for her glasses and then she just keeps apologizing to me and crying and says "i'm sorry i just got the fuck beat out of me by my boyfriend." her face had a cut on the side. she was saying "I give him everything,tell him i love him over and over every second. i lost his baby two weeks ago. he's going to kill me and it's going to hurt so bad. it's going to hurt." she kept repeating that. i was like "hey! he knows you're freakin' scared of him and he knows that he scares you,and you can't just let him dominate you because he knows. he'll always win that way." i mean if some guy hit me i would hit him right back. if someone can try and scare me and hit me,hell i can do it to them too because it's all about cofidence,and heck maybe i can't punch but you have to have some pride. that's what i told her. you have to have pride for yourself. it's horrible to hear girls say they love the guy who hits them and they can't leave them. alright,it's either your life or getting hurt and staying with someone you "love" who hits you and beats you and does crap to you and says they will kill you,and probably doesn't love you because that's not the way love goes.

there was throw up everything. i mean everywhere. all over the banquet room on the floor,the couch,the big bathroom in the back,the hall. it was smelling so bad back there i started to gag. she kept saying she would clean it up. you know what? he came there to work and beat her up back there. she didn't scream she said because she knew better and i guess she was throwing up back there when he was doing that. she said she was in shock. the thing is she said she didn't know where she would go. her dad's affraid of him and he'll find her there,and her grandpa had already filled complaints and he's broken her hands before too,and i called the battered womens shelter and i was talking to this lady on the phone about it all. they can't even give out where they are located,and shelly just doesn't even want help and at first i felt sorry for her but she was drunk too,and supposidly she hasn't seen that guy in a year and made the mistake to call him up to see if he was still a dick. she was probably drunk when she did it. she told me she was an alcoholic.

she even raised her voice at me when i was telling her she has to be strong and just leave him because that's the only way it will stop,and she says she doesn't know what she's going to do but it's clear what she has to do. get away from him. i mean no guy who beats a girl up loves her or is a man at all. she goes "look,if you're boyfriend beat you up you'd be f'ing scared too." you know what i wouldn't let anyone beat me up. i'd go right back at them. hell if i would stand there helpless and let someone keep hitting on me,no matter how much bigger they are than me.

so i came home and went to sleep. john never called. i hope he's alright. he said he would call but he still hasn't. i miss him a lot but i'm not having a horrible time without him. i'm just really really worried why he hasn't called. he left on saturday for dallas and left there on sunday and they drove straight to santa fe so i wasn't expecting him to call until monday or tuesday but he never did. now it's thursday and if he doesn't call today then i don't know if i'll start to worry or be upset. i'm a little of both,but not really. i've been occupied so it's not like i have too much time to sit down and think of it.

i have to go to sally's,and then to the dollar store. bye.

<3 nicole

HOLD YOUR BREATH AND WAIT UNTIL YOU SHAKE/ RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GOAL

Subject:	NO ONES KNOWS EXCEPT THE BOTH OF US....
Time:	2:20 pm.
Mood:	discontent.
Music:	none.

last night liz stopped by. we sat around by the bar and smoked. i'll tell john. i can't keep things from him. i'm so sick and tired of me messing up our relationship. and it's not all me,and we're doing great right now. saturday was three months,but hell i told him i wouldn't do that anymore. and i told liz some stuff too that i know he'll be really really upset at me for saying,but i don't like holding everything inside. i mean me and him are like this ::crosses fingers:: but i experience so much with him,and some of it ends up hurting me,and he can't comfort me with the kind of comfort i need and......well i wasn't planning on telling liz things,and i kept everything really blunt,but she never asked questions. she just listened,and talk about herself,and i was glad for that. i guess all i really wanted to do was tell somebody because emotionally i was tired of caring that around with me,no matter how stupid john thinks it all might be. everyone needs someone to listen to them. not that he doesn't do that,but someone other than him whom i have been through things with. i happen to think and believe we can't deal with our own pain and then lay it upon the other all the time.

after work on saturday i came home and watched the sixth sence with my mom. she liked the movie,and it made me think of things. i went to bed right afterwards and feel asleep fast to keep from crying. i remember a month ago what i was doing. sitting in a park with john on hill with lots of leafs on the ground,overlooking a building on broadway. it was the best. but it hurt for a lot of reasons. i wouldn't make anyone tell me anything,but....

today i'll go pick up my check from work. sucky work. i have to stop cussing,and my mom should get mad at me for doing it too around her but she doesn't.

i feel much better now. i don't know why. i've been sitting here watching tv. my three sons to be exact. anyhow,when i think about things i don't feel too good but whatever happens happens.

<3 nicole

HOLD YOUR BREATH AND WAIT UNTIL YOU SHAKE/ RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GOAL

Subject:	KISS MY BLARNEY!
Time:	12:28 am.
Mood:	apathetic.
Music:	GUK'S and Rancid.

so spring break is here. i'm not like "finally" because i'm not excited or awaiting spring break. maybe i would be if i was spending it with john,but he'll be out of town. tomorrow he leaves around 7:30 for dallas to play hockey. whoa. mighty number 9 on the ice. the other night at practice his dad got mad at him and made him do push ups. he's a talented boy. push ups on the ice. i could never manage.

well this morning i took john some irish bread cookies in the shape of clovers,sprinkled with green. they were awesome. i wrote a note over the box. i also got him a funny st.patricks day card,and st patrick day stickers. he liked everything.

i think and hopefully john will be back on st.patricks day or the day before. i told him we could go to maggies on st.paddys day because they have this hug celebration with irish bands,bagpipes.....the whole works,and i can't go to any of the parades downtown becuase i'll be working. i'll be earning some extra dough this spring break,and working extra days.

tonight it was the new girl lorileys new day. she's really nice,and outgoing. right now her costume is juliette. well i got to take her around and teach her all the table numbers. wendy didn't tell her to take a map home and study for her table test. dude,she made me take the table test my second day. not fair. i really don't care that much.

after school i went over to johns house and he cooked for me. it was too cute! it was a quesadilla with chicken and cheese. then he was like "are you thristy? do you want something to drink too?" awwww. then ian was all making one and he was being so homosexual. man,he cracks me up. he put on this helmet and the strap was all tight on his chin,and he was in the kitchen eating. then he washed off his plate and was going to put it back in the cabinet,but the thing is he really only ran the plate under water so it wasn't really clean. then dally was wearing these $5 pants and he is so ghetto. i swear he has to have his pants sag all the way to the ground. then him and ian were like "mmmm can we have some cake? mmmm,we can share a slice." like i said,homosexual. so they sit at the table eating cheese cake,and ian still has that stupid helmet on acting like he'll run into the wall or something and can't walk.

that's it for now.

<3 nicole

HOLD YOUR BREATH AND WAIT UNTIL YOU SHAKE/ RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GOAL

Subject:	I LEARNED IT THE HARD WAY BUT IT HARDLY HURTS,I GOT OVER IT FAST....
Time:	5:36 pm.

today was the funeral but i couldn't go. i had a chemistry test. i got sad when i thought about it. daniels mom worked with his mom at redland oaks elementary,until she moved to bradely middle school. well thomas' mom called over to redland and talked to his mom saying "i can't tell you what's wrong,but somethings happend,and do you think you can take my place at redland?" well she couldn't,but she told his mom she would help in any other way,and she said okay,and that she would call her back,and never did. she had called from the hospital. i'm guessing that was when thomas overdosed on pills,and was out of school for a week,and that was about two weeks ago during taas. he had also tried to slit his wrists. then after he shot himself,his mom called daniels mom to tell her,and she said "i don't want you to think this was some sudden thing. something happened to him in middle school that traumatized him,and we tried to get him help,and he was on medicine and had counseling,but we just caught it too late." he was really troubled,and his mom knew whatever it was that had happened to him,but he just couldn't take it anymore. they are creamating him. steph said he had a lot of friends,was on the tennis team,and was dating kamilla. then she asked if i knew her because she went to my school,and i said "kamilla? uhhh,that name sounds really familiar.........ohhhhhh she lives right across the street from john." yeah,my boyfriend use to date her a while back. when i told john he was surprised and said "poor kamy" and just looked real sad. today after the funeral his mom was having anyone who knew him over to the house,and steph was going. she just lived a couple of blocks from him,and they use to ride the bus together in middle school and freshman year of high school.

tonight i have to go to school for a band meeting about my trip. i have to study for a test,and tomorrow starts another weekend of work,and then spring break. travis and sean want to go see the ataris with me on tuesday,but i really don't know......i'll have to see if i can go. hopefully,but i wish john could come too but he'll be in santa fe,and skiing at angelfire or whatever it's called.

john did good yesterday playing. he's so adorable. we fought the better half of the day,and wrote each other letters explaining ourselves,behavior,reasons for being upset. then at youth,well we hadn't situated everything out and he comes up and taps me on the shoulder,and i turn around and it's like everything is okay. i told him i was sorry for the way i talked to him because i'm so dumb when i curse at him,and i flicked him off too. he apologized to me for being mean. we hugged and i love him. then when he was up on the stage playing he smiled at me,and it was so cute,and i just started laughing. i felt so cheesy. then afterwards he told me he wanted to mouth "after the show" to me. he's so dumb,it makes me laugh. that's all he really wants to do is make me laugh. like sometimes he'll say stupid things but he'll go "well,at least you laughed and that's all i wanted to do." awww so nice,so nice. therefore he acts dumb to make me laugh. ha.

oh my gosh. this morning i go to pick him up and he answers his door with his brown long sleeve shirt on,and over it he is wearing his GUK'S shirt,and he's in boxers. ha. he goes "uhh,how long have you been here?" and i go "I just go here." it was hilarous. he was waiting for his pants to dry,but just the way he was standing when he answered the door. i tell him he has white irish legs and i'm going to buy him a kilt. then i put on some of his dirty boxers over my pants and stood the way he was at the door,and go "how long have you been here?" he didn't find that too funny,but then i feel on the kitchen floor laughing,and he forged his dad signature on a check for lunch money. what a dork.

nicole

HOLD YOUR BREATH AND WAIT UNTIL YOU SHAKE/ RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GOAL

Subject:	WRONG IMPRESSION....
Time:	5:10 pm.
Mood:	morose.
Music:	natalie imbruglia/alanis morrisette.

stephanie just called. thomas killed himself last night in his room. shot himself in the head. she's suppose to call me back and tell me when the funeral is. i can't believe this. you know,it's like if someone only knew. we could have helped him. and now he's gone. he use to sit next to me in science in 8th grade,and now he's gone. he won't see what we see everyday anymore. steph said he was working at the mcdonalds up the street from her house for a year,which is up the street from my house too. anyways,he quit the other day,and told her because he sits next to her in criminal justice. he was going to work at dairy queen or something. his parents had just bought him a new car,and he told steph he was going to sell it,and that he quit his job because he didn't need money anymore. it was like he was trying to get rid of everything so he could just die,and kill himself,and it would be all ready for him. he was such an average person. i mean i would have never thought that he wanted to kill himself. steph said that everyone at her school was talking about it. and now she'll have an empty desk next to her in class. and the teacher will teach,and everyone will listen and learn,but there will be his empty desk. she said she had heard he had tried to kill himself before. well,his mom found him last night after she came home from work. supposidly he had been depressed. this is all so weird. people say they want to kill themselves and yet why don't people take them seriously? why can't people see that if they don't help these people,they'll be gone forever. he was always nice and kind,and i remember our little conversations,and how i even kind of had this crush on him because he was so nice. his parents must be devestated. he had a brother too. i pictured himself in his room holding a gun up to his head,crying,worried,not wanting to do it,but feeling like that's all he has left for him to do. thinking of how he planned on doing it and had to go through with it. i bet he wanted so badly to have someone to talk to. i swear,this boy was kind and a good person,and you just don't know what you might say or do to others to make them feel hurt. you should just be kind to people. this boy was trying to battle something that he couldn't handle alone. yeah,and if i could have only fast forwarded to a few years later when i use to talk to him everyday. if only.

"we'll fast forward to a few years later,no one knows except the both of us."

<3 nicole

HOLD YOUR BREATH AND WAIT UNTIL YOU SHAKE/ RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GOAL

Subject:	"I WANT YOU,BUT I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND,I NEED YOU I LOVE YOU"
Time:	6:17 pm.
Mood:	indescribable.
Music:	ALANIS MORRISETTE-HANDS CLEAN.

"ewww this could get messy,i don't seem to mind. don't go telling everybody."

life gets hard. right now a lot of things are messed up,and scary,and just plain out wrong. you see this past weekend was really bad. what i'm talking about isn't trivial. but i have john,and he was there the whole time with me. if i wasn't in the thick of things i was away from the house,and with him. we went to the mall. when we got inside i sat on a bench and tied my shoes and cried. i cried on the way to the mall too,and when i parked,john got out real fast and came around to get me. we just stood there,while i cried on him. i wanted to get my ears pierced again,but alas i forgot i have to be 18,and i'm only 17. so we went to journeys to look for purple chucks,and see how much blue ones were,but he said that he didn't want me to spend $34 on blue chucks for him. we went to carlton cards,and jessica gave me a discount on the "kiss my i'm irish" buttons i bought for me and john. then we went to claires to look for the clover sunglasses,because i didn't really like the ones at carlton cards. we went to jam sports,and i didnt' get the dallas stars penet i wanted,or the car thingy. i really wanted a mike madono poster,but they didn't have one. at sam goody's i didnt' get the cd i wanted. what's wrong with me? we went to dalton books,and john didn't want me to buy him the book he wanted. silly boy. hmmm,then we went to dillards and john picked me out this wonder woman shirt that he thought was tizite. i tried it on and came out of the dressing room to show him,and he said it looked good so i bought it. i tried on this other skanky shirt too as a joke,and came out to show john and he goes "oh my gosh,don't come out here like that,go back inside!!!" then we ate at lubys. ha. then i came home and left for work right after. i worked and closed. then i came home and john was going to come over but bad things were happening still. so then sunday we went to church and afterwards went to jims. sam was working and so was doug. sam makes me laugh because she always tells me that me and john are the perfect couple. gee,thanks. then i had to go to work. i stopped at johns house before and talked to him more because i was still crying,and breaking down. i'm no longer working doubles on sundays. yeehaw. so i got to come home when merium got there. i came home,and things were still bad. i did a lot of crying and a lot of listening,and some talking. then john called and wanted me to go out to eat with his family. first i told him no,and then i called back and said yes. i needed him. so i went and picked him up and to meet his dad and rich at razoos,but when we got there they said we were going to zios. so we went over there,and i had never been there before. i got a pizza. ha,i think our waiter was gay,and he wrote his name on this butcher paper that was on the table with crayons. i was really surprised robyn and jordan were not there,but johns dad called her twice on his cell. she was at home writing a paper for school. then johns dad sent rich home with me and john. so me,john,and rich were in my car,and they are hilarious. i was laughing so hard. rich wouldn't take johns take home box with food in it inside the house,and he placed it on top of my car,and i drove fast into the garage,slammed on my brakes,and it flew off,and i then rich comes out and gets it and he was going to throw it it at my car but i drove off. ha,it was hilarous. then john came over. we played some nhl and i beat him. ohhhh yeah. then we watched tv and just layed around. we were falling asleep so i took john home around 11. then i came home,ate ice cream and watched the cooking channel,but i figured i should go to bed so i could get up early this morning and go to the library and do hw with john.

well a lot of other stuff happened this past weekend that i left out. me and john did a lot of talking. he said i could live with him if i wanted to. i'm just going to have to wait and see what happens.

tonight john has hockey practice,tuesday praise and worship practice,wednesday he has to take that one test up at school until 7 at night,so i have to pick him up at school and go to youth,but since we'll get there late,i think he won't play because of that,because he is suppose to get there at 5:30 to practice before,and i get there around 7. then this weekend he has his last tournament,and then hockey is over with. he might not play next year. i'm sad about that. he's suppose to get good and play in the nhl,but he is good,just not nhl good,because that's for the pros,but maybe if he practiced long hours. ha. anyways,then he can renew his license,get a job,and a car. spring break john is going to sante fe,new mexico with rich,his dad,robyns,jordan,and her parents to ski.

i really don't know what i'll be doing on spring break. liz called last night and she wants to do something with me then.

i'm just so glad john is the person he is. i'm lucky. he is always there for me,when i would normally have to go through things alone,because i don't share personal things with anyone really. i tell him so much,and he's seen so much of me. he's seen me happy,and sad,and smiling,and crying,and slamming the sterring wheel,and he's seen me scream,and cuss,and throw up,and seen me act like a loser,and he's seen me sleep so many times,and he's seen me unable to do my homework because i'm too confused,and he's shopped for clothes with me,and sat outside the dressing room waiting like one of those tv boyfriends, well i don't have to pretend around him.

anyhow,i have to go to heb,and but some stuff for me,get a magazine. i'll listen to some J.T. in the car.

later kids.

<3 nicole

HOLD YOUR BREATH AND WAIT UNTIL YOU SHAKE/ RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GOAL

Subject:	I'M A VICTIM
Time:	11:30 pm.

i went to work at 4:30 which sucked. it wouldn't have made a difference if i had gotten there at 5 anyways. i felt sad because i wanted to spend that time with john after school like i usually do on fridays,but not today. i got new slippers though,but i think they are not as pretty as my red ones. then merium wanted me to go see andys band and charlies band. i felt bad because i wanted to go but i was honestly so tired,and charlie didn't play until 12 or 12:30. so i just came home tonight.

school was normal,or pretty much just like every other day. i think about john all the time,and i love him so much. he's incredibly perfect,but that's the way it's suppose to be,right? you're suppose to accept the person you love for all they are,and not try to change them. it's so awesome to think about all we have been through,and almost kind of scary. we are doing so good,and the relationship we have....it's like we are such good friends. i don't pretend when i am with him,or try to act extra cool. it's great just being able to do stupid things with him. like let me see here. i think about ha the time at the rodeo that we rode that psycho ride and i was falling all over him. or how i threw up all in his toilet,and he stood right there watching me,saying "flush is flush it!" ha,or how we make up stupid words,or he tries to help me on my math hw,and does all the problems and goes "that's the answer,but uhhh i don't know how i got it." or how he collected stuff from everywhere he went in Mass,or how he called me from dallas,or how he got me the candle,or how he puts his hand on my back and walks down the hall with me at school.whoa,i could go on forever.

ice cream is calling.

<3 nicole

HOLD YOUR BREATH AND WAIT UNTIL YOU SHAKE/ RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GOAL

Subject:	when i stop to think about it....i still can't figure out why
Time:	5:27 pm.
Mood:	dirty.
Music:	none.

ya know lately it's been kind of weird. i don't know what's with me. each day i do stuff to give myself more to think about. i'm ending up just like the rest of the misled horrible youth of our nation. just the horrible youth. not the good. doing stupid things,and i love john more than anything,but.....well there is not a "but" or maybe there is. i feel like crying right now. today wasn't all that bad,but it sure felt like it. wake up. get ready for school. call john. go over to john's house. just lay around and talk. leave for school. get to school,and say bye to john,and hi to dawn. go check in. leave with dawn again. go to subway,sonic,and then back to school. go to the trainers office with dawn and amy,until the bell rings for class. listen to amy call the doctor and find out if she's pregnant. she is. she says she'll get an abortion. makes me sad. scared. makes me examine my life a little more. go to class. go to lunch. talk to travis and eric and missy,and listen to travis tell me about girl stories. i hear all about his making out stuff,and it's really dumb. then he asks me questions. one was "if a really cute guy walked up to you and asked you to make out,would you?" my answer was no of course. he asked why,and i said "because he could be a total retard when i got to know him,and then i would have just made out with a loser. plus,that's really desperate of me to do that." go back to class. go to all of my classes. feel really tired. distracted. think about last night with john. think about how i slept none last night. finally the bell rings for school to be over. go to johns house. start to watch tv. make out on the couch. go upstairs and make out. go in the bathroom and make out. do other things. then he tells me how amy roman said i looked like a senior,and i was beautiful and looked like a super model. well thank ya. then i left. came home. brought my marigolds inside. tried to eat. my mouth was really dry no matter how much water i drank. i felt horrible. came upstairs kind of bewildered. changed. got a little scared. thought. and now i'm here. i'm still able to feel everything i've done in the past 48 hours. it scares me. and the mere fact that i don't fully regret it. that's shocking. i guess i should. if i had any morals. more than anything i just want to talk to someone. and he'll ask me "are you alright?" just like he did today,and i'll say "yes" and he'll say he loves me,and hug me. all of this has to stop. i just feel like i'm in too deep already. i have no regrets being with john though. i love him very much. it's just the way we have been lately. that has to change. so much has to change.

HOLD YOUR BREATH AND WAIT UNTIL YOU SHAKE/ 1 OH MY GARSH - RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GOAL

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