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Thursday, January 24th, 2002
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5:49 pm - ...and in sets the deeper lonliness...
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blah. What a day. This week needs to end itself early.
College will be better college will be better college will be better .....
I went to the gym today and ran around for a while. I also did a whole bunch of situps. Usually I hate situps but today I enjoyed the pain. Don't ask me why.
I have a couple situations I feel very nervous in:
1. reading my own papers/poems to anyone else. My voice gets shaky and it sounds like I'm going to cry.
2. Interviews - especially for jobs. I get all uh...tongue-tied
3. meeting new people. I think I give the worst first impressions ever.
I don't know why I mentioned that?
I guess there's a Blind the Fold concert this weekend? Or maybe next weekend? I don't remember. I would actually really like to see that band again...I liked them when I saw them at Proving grounds (they were so excited to be "rock stars"...hehe) but I think the whole situation would be way too awkward for me to handle. Maybe I should just go anyway and be my own little annoying self and then realize that everyone looks at me differently and then I can stay up all night and wonder about what they say/think about me? That sounds like a party. Anyway.
Why am I updating again? I am the most boring person I know, yet I feel the need to jabber incesently about my own life? It's ridiculous... and so is No Doubt. I agree. :)
current mood:  melancholy
current music: Saves the Day - Nightengale
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(2 bruises | thoughts, ideas, and...stuff...)
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2:27 pm
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I went in and talked to Brother Casper today and he said he didn't decide to get rid of me. It was just a random choice by the computer. I can't decide who I believe.... one of the seminary teachers are lying to me. For my mental health, I'll believe Brother Casper for now...but it still hurts. Why am I making a big deal out of this? This is so uncharacteristic of me. I usually don't care who's class I am, as long as I can sit in the corner and do my own thing.
Preference is in a week. My parents are begging me to go. The only problem is I would have no one to go with. I have someone I would want to take....but the group thing is the problem.... I could never find a group that both me and my potential date (whoever that may be) would both get along with. And, I don't like being the one to ask. I'm not really secure with myself in that area.
I wrote the meanest words I have ever even thought last night. I was slowly getting more and more frustrated during the day and finally I read this random letter that was sent to me, and I blew up. I did one of those blind writes that went on for pages. I honestly could kill the boy with what I wrote. sad. I threw it away of course, but for some reason I still feel really ashamed that that was in my heart in the first place.
I like most people.... I may get frustrated with some of them a lot, but I still really like them...
current mood: guilty
current music: Thursday
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(thoughts, ideas, and...stuff...)
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| Wednesday, January 23rd, 2002
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8:08 pm
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I can no longer deal with adult incompetency. I will blow up.
current mood:  aggravated
current music: anything angry!!! AHHHH!!! I'm going INSANE!!!
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(thoughts, ideas, and...stuff...)
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4:44 pm
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I cut my hair today. It's way way way short. I think I like it?
I found out that it was Brother Casper (my old seminary teacher) who decided to not put me in the new class. That hurts so much. He fed my mom some bullcrap seminary line about me being strong enough spiritually to handle it....so I should consider it a comliment or something? No. The way I take it is, he might not dislike me too much but if there are 30 other people to choose from, I am the one he could kick out. wow. Rejection. I think I might go in and talk to him about it. Just so he knows that if he has to do that again, not to make it public because he really can hurt people's feelings. I mean, I really liked him...
Ahh but Julie always has that power to cheer me up. If you read what she wrote in her journal about me.... it was just really nice of her.
I have to write a resume today. That sounds like a party.
current mood: uncomfortable
current music: No Use for a Name - Rainbows (is that what it's called?)
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(2 bruises | thoughts, ideas, and...stuff...)
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| Tuesday, January 22nd, 2002
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3:55 pm - relax Whitney.....just calm down..... ug....
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For the most part, today was not a good day. I got taken out of my seminary class. The one I loved. The only one I have ever not hated. I was put in a class with a bunch of giggly drill team girls who can't remember more then 3 digits at once. There are about 15 of us in the class. One male. I am the only senior. There is one Junior. I cried over this. Is that really pathetic of me? Don't answer that because I know it is, it's just that at this point in my life where I've lost almost everything I really don't want to lose my spirituality. And I know that's up to me, but Brother Casper's class really taught me a lot, and I'm very sad I'm not in there anymore.
After school I had to tutor to an empty class room. Stupid NHS.
One good thing happened today. I started my internship class and I'm going to be placed in the operating room. yay! Starting in two weeks. It's going to be so interesting.
current mood: disappointed
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(3 bruises | thoughts, ideas, and...stuff...)
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| Monday, January 21st, 2002
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10:47 pm
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hmmm I feel like I should say something about the whole Jeff and Julie situation. If you want to know all the details you can read her journal (x_fallchild_x)....
But the things is: Jeff thought that if he bought stuff for Julie maybe she'd like him. Of course Julie already liked him, just not in the way that he wanted. Goodness! You're 17 years old. Friendship should be good enough.
Anyway, so he buys an Unwritten Law ticket for her and just gives it to her. He didn't ask her on any type of date, just gave her the ticket and says "here I bought this for you." Julie's not stupid. She knew she was suposed to drive up with him, but on the day of the concert she discovers that she has to work late. All day she tries to call Jeff (from work) to tell him and see what's going on with the ride situation. She never gets ahold of him, so she decides to get a ride up with her brother's friend and meet up with Jeff at the show. The rest.... is in Julie's journal. To make a long story short: he sells his ticket and asks Julie to pay him back.
How completely immature can you get? He never even let her tell her story. On Friday he calls me and says:
"Tell Julie I'm sorry."
Why don't you tell her yourself?
"Just tell her I'm sorry."
Jeff, you don't know the whole story. She tried calling you all day.
"It wasn't on my caller ID. Just tell her I'm sorry"
hangs up.
Little did I know that she had been calling from work so the number was unavailable. People shouldn't jump to conclusions so fast. At least let her tell her story.
The saddest part is, his friends are saying stuff about it too. It really brings me right back to my Jr. high days. And people are bringing me into it. I have nothing to do with anything. It's not my fault that Jeff and Julie didn't "hit it off" or whatever. And yet, I'm somehow a bad guy also. Why doesn't everyone just grow up? I guess I'm only fueling the fire, complaining about it more, but it's just so annoying.
Today was long.
current mood: aggravated
current music: The Weakerthans- watermark
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(4 bruises | thoughts, ideas, and...stuff...)
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3:30 pm - "If you have greatness in you, would you do us all a favor and keep it to yourself?" - Harvey Danger
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haha. I love that quote. I actually like that band a lot. I listened to the CD the other day for the first time since 9th grade.
I went to Further Seems Forever's website to check for tour dates, and they are coming here. But guess what! It's on a Sunday. That's just my luck. Honestly. Ahh well, I'm sure I'll see them sometime soon.
I went on a drive today and listened to my "emo makes me cry" mix and went by all my friends houses. I saw Johnny walking. He's this boy that I hung out with a couple times with the whole PG crew. He was walking with this other kid....wow.....good lookin'.... I maybe should have stopped and said hi or something, but I didn't. Too scared.
I hope I get to do something awesome today. Not that writing in my livejournal isn't awesome....but... maybe I'll have some human contact? :)
current mood: restless
current music: Smoking Popes - Mrs. You and Me
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(3 bruises | thoughts, ideas, and...stuff...)
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| Sunday, January 20th, 2002
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4:46 pm - Searching through old photographs
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I saw a picture of Charles at Joe's that I haven't seen in a long time. It made me cry. I think this is the first time he's had that effect on me. I wish I wasn't ostrasized from those kids....of all people... hmmm... I miss the way things were.... before Travis...
On a lighter note: McCarthysm sucks.
current mood: sad, angry, and frustrated
current music: The Weakerthans - Aside
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(thoughts, ideas, and...stuff...)
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12:32 pm - I hate hate. :)
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My little Jason Sanders was beat up on Friday night. He was trying to separate this group of guys beating up on his friend and got punched in the face, and once he was down, kicked multiple times in the head. (although he doesn't remember this, the girl who was there told me) When I saw him at church today I really wanted to cry. He had a whole bunch of stiches over his black/big eye. I told him that I wanted to cry and he just kind of giggled. My friend Amber says "I know! He's the school president!!" and I just kind of mumbled "...that has nothing to do with it. I love this little guy." I think only Jason heard me and giggled again.
In young womens we got into this music conversation. It was great. All the girls except for one were sticking up for me and all my "punk rockness" .... even though I'm more into emo... when ever the leaders would say something about hard music they would just say things like "Whitney's music is hard and it's a lot better than what everyone else is listening to." and "She just has a different taste in music than us, that doesn't mean it's bad." It felt good to have someone stick up for me. I pretty much didn't say anything through the whole conversation.
I think I'm being called to be Laurels president on Thursday. This is not good. I don't know if I'm going to accept or not.... it would be nice to tell colleges....if only I had procrastinated and hadn't already turned in my application to BYU. Isn't that sad? I'm not even thinking about the spiritual benefits and such, I'm only thinking about school. I'm a terrible person. ahh well. :)
I took my bird's eggs away today. I hope that it's ok?
Goodness! I can't get Jason's beat up face out of my head. It just brings me back to my dream about nazis.... oh sad...
current mood: sympathetic
current music: Mxpx - one step closer to life
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(thoughts, ideas, and...stuff...)
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| Saturday, January 19th, 2002
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11:35 pm
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I hurt again tonight, and I want more than anything for this to go away. I wish I could sleep away these nightmares, but I'm stuck staring at this screen wishing you were here. I'm always wishing I was somewhere else besides this hole I've dug for myself. When I try and crawl out, more dirt falls away beneath my feet... so I just curl up at the bottom and cry. I cry too much.
hmm... I think I'll go try to write some music, get extremely frustrated, and hate myself.
current mood: cynical
current music: One Man Army
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(2 bruises | thoughts, ideas, and...stuff...)
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7:06 pm - "Here's to the broken hearted: a generation born in denial." - The Ataris
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blah blah blah blah blah...you left before I could say I was sorry.
So I went up to Salt Lake today and hung out with Crystal, her sister, and my friend Marja who I haven't seen in a while. It was fun. I got to see UofU dorms and mine are nicer. :) We went to the mall and looked at prints and books, then Macaroni Grill and then just drove around really. I had the best waiter at Macaroni Grill and I felt really bad because he got our order wrong and felt terrible about it. I think we got him in trouble. He was nice too.
I guess Matt Melville (a kid from school last year) and Marja went on a big long date yesterday and she said he talked about me. I never got to find out what he said, but she wanted me to come in to the dorms and say hi to him. I did, but he wasn't home. I told Marja to just ask him to marry me. :)
Well, Julie's at a hockey game, which sucks 'cause I wanted to hang out with her. Ahh well. I hope she has fun.
current mood: alone
current music: Weezer - Pink Triangle
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(thoughts, ideas, and...stuff...)
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11:22 am
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YAY! I'm SOOOO HAPPY! Dashboard is playing 2 shows at Bricks. I will go to both of them.... March 19, and 20th... and then on March 8th they're playing a show in Vegas. I will go to that too! I'm so excited to see him again. I usually don't get this excited over shows. Awesome!
current mood:  happy
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(1 bruise | thoughts, ideas, and...stuff...)
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1:56 am
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I went and saw Lord of the Rings again tonight (second time) it was still good, but I was so cold. I had spasms going up and down my back the whole time. It must have bee 20 degrees in that theater....COLD! So now I'm really tired, but I'm wrapped up in my blanket trying to get warm before I can go to sleep.
Today Julie did my hair all nifty. I like it.
We also hung out with Julie's Adam for a little while. We searched for spotlights and then went to Dennys. I thought I would have an uneventful night, but I guess I was wrong? hehe It's funny that I go to Dennys (or some place almost exactly like it) like twice a month and never really order anything...
I think I'm going up to Salt Lake tomorrow with Crystal just to chill. I love doing that. I love not having anything to do and just driving around.... then you don't get your hopes up. You don't get expectations. So when things don't turn out awesome, you're still ok with it. The only thing is, whenever I'm with other people I always wonder what everyone else is doing and if I'll meet up with them, or see them unexpectedly. ha! And when I do see them unexpectedly (which actually happens quite a lot) I run away and make a scene..... even though I desperately want to talk to them... and I guess... uh... set things straight? I don't know. It's too much of a hastle to get things off your chest. I'd rather leave them where they are.
ug. I sound so negative. "Could you possibly be referring to the harsh light of reality" - Daria
hmmm.. what else to write? I'm still cold.
Why isn't anyone else up this late? I wish I had someone to talk to.
I talked to Julie today about people thinking we're the same person. People never just refer to me alone. Instead of "What are you doing tonight?" I get "What are you guys doing tonight?" and even in my yearbook: "I like you guys." Since when was I plural?! I guess Julie gets it a lot too, although not so much now that she's out of school, I suppose. There have only been a few people that have acknowledged the fact that I'm my own person with my own talents and goals and such. It hurts that they've distanced themselves from me.
ah well. Sleep is good.
current mood: calm
current music: that Here Comes your Man song is in my head
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(4 bruises | thoughts, ideas, and...stuff...)
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| Friday, January 18th, 2002
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4:28 pm - "Would you be my best friend if I offered you my heart? 'Cause it's already yours." - The ataris
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I can already sense the boredom of the night ahead. I'll probably end up reading The Catcher in the Rye all night.... which isn't really a bad thing, I'd just rather be spending time with people.
Actually, the only reason I'm on the computer is I'm waiting for someone to hopefully get on AIM so I can hang out with them. I should probably just call, but I'm scared of the phone. People can be really cruel on the phone, and I don't like being the one to expose myself to that...
Preference is coming up. You know the "girls ask" equivalent to Prom? I am most likely not going to ask anyone. I mean, it could be fun, but if I go it would probably be awkward and boring. I wouldn't even really get to dress up.
I hate wanting something you obviously can't have. And I hate being to shy to even ask for it. I need to buy myself some confidence.....
current mood: shy
current music: Blue Moon - The Less than Jake cover
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(thoughts, ideas, and...stuff...)
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| Thursday, January 17th, 2002
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8:53 pm - eh
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blah. Today was just blah.
I showed my mom the Saves the Day video to At Your Funeral and she loved it. Not only did she like the video (she said it was "cute") but she actually liked the music. This is awesome.
I think my local congressman just figured out that I'm going to be voting soon because when I walked in the door he was visiting with my parents and started asking me questions about my music and saying how great it is.... weird.... I guess he wants to get on my good side? Ah well, he already was on my good side, but not because of him talking about my interests....it's the way he treats his wife. hmm... that was pointless.
Julie and I went to Eatza Pizza today and watched a group date in progress the entire time. If I major in psychology my thesus will definately be about group dates.... they're so strange.
I have a psych. test tomorrow. I think I'll go finish my chapter outline. I actually didn't have a thing to say in this entry that was worth while, but I didn't want to disapoint everyone and uncharacteristically skip a day.
current mood: eh...
current music: Used
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(thoughts, ideas, and...stuff...)
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| Wednesday, January 16th, 2002
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2:59 pm - "Who'll be there? When I need someone? Got nobody, and no one will learn to love." - Tsunami Bomb
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Today I forgot my paintings and had to drive home to get them. I got this sudden urge to keep driving forever and ever. The weather was perfect driving weather. There was new snow, but the sun was sining so everything sparkled. I wish I would have kept driving, because I came back to school and painting was boring.
I didn't get to go to the library last night because the roads were too icy. I'm going today, and I'm going to hopefully get some research done about Japanese Internment camps so I can prove my point better...the argument about patriotism with my parents continues.
I had my hair hone for young women's last night and it's all up and messy and spikey. If I go to the prom, I'll do it like this. I really want to go to that...maybe? And maybe I shouldn't get my hopes up...so I'll stop with that subject.
Unwritten law is tonight. right? I'm not going but I hope that's fun. I would like to see Gob again. They were funny. And Sum 41 sucked. It's not like I respected them or anything before I saw them, but watching them live ruined everything good I thought of them before. Terrible.
Before I go off to school I need to:
1. learn how to knit beanies
2. make myself a laundry bag
3. make myself a messanger bag
4. Buy my own accoustic
5. Buy a stereo that's smaller than mine....no room in the dorm....
I showed the girl in my painting class (Ms. Self-righteous) the back of the Dumb Luck CD....yeah a...butt... I just sort of flashed it in front of her and said "Look!!" all happily. I don't think she was happy. I left it on my desk so the butt was facing upwards, and she kept flipping it over, and I kept flipping it back. It was hilarious. haha
current mood: melancholy
current music: Thursday
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(1 bruise | thoughts, ideas, and...stuff...)
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| Tuesday, January 15th, 2002
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7:03 pm - Exposed
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She watched the blood
wash down the shower drain,
diluted with the water.
She held her head in her hands
and sobbed.
And the tears werecovered up,
but not washed away.
The salt still crusts her visions,
And she doesn't know why
That everyone has it worse,
And everyone is stronger.
And she wonders why,
She can't hold it in.
The crying hurts her head,
and stings her skin
and doesn't help anything.
Like they're always told her.
Every where she walks,
She fells pain with each step
and feels the anxiety
of not knowing where she's going.
People look at her as
anti-social, unfriendly, an outsider,
She sees herself trying to find out,
if she is any of these things.
And every thing hurts.
and every thing's exposed.
I think I like that.
current mood: relieved
current music: The "Sister Sister" theme song - kill me now
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(1 bruise | thoughts, ideas, and...stuff...)
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2:49 pm - Did I at least try, to make sure everybody had a good time? - Alkaline Trio
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Today was my last day to dress for weights. We did our max. lifts and then had the rest of our time to do what we wanted. I went into the gym and sat on the top bleacher and read. It was only me in this huge room and it was snowing outside. I soaked in the silence. And even though it was just the gym, it was peaceful.
I went and saw Laymen Terms last night. A boy started asking me all these questions about Dashboard and other bands I like. Everything I said, he made sound stupid. He contradicted every word and really criticized me, so finally I just said:
The Movielife suck. (because he was wearing a movielife T-shirt)
And walked away with Julie and Jeff. The rest of the show was more enjoyable.
I went and saw my new home yesterday. I loved almost everything about it. Especailly the 7 ugly 70s couches in the basement. The only thing I didn't like is that when I walked in, it looked like Girls' camp. I told my mom:
"You know I'm giong to be ripping a lot of these down?" (I was referring to the excess of Mormonads)
All she said was "I konw" and smiled. My mom and I are getting along very well lately. She even might let me keep my black hair. good. Because I like how it looks with my glasses. The only problem we have right now is our differences in opinion about this country. She's so closed minded to everything. She thinks that not saying the pledge and burning flags should be illeagal. I can't stand people with those opinions so I just try not to get into many of those arguments. You can't talk reason to people like that.
People tell me I never get excited about anything and that I'm always so ...uh... monotone? But government and the problems with ours are somethings that I get very worked up about.
Heather recorded Saves the Day again, and we watched it in Chemistry. I want to be in that band. :)
I'm going to the library today to get The Catcher in the Rye and a few others. I don't think anything will beat The Perks of Being a Wallflower, however, if you have any recomendations, comment.
I think I'm giong to sew my own messanger bad because I can't find one I really like. I don't know how to sew.
current mood: negative and monotone
current music: Laymen Terms - Falling in a Basement
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(3 bruises | thoughts, ideas, and...stuff...)
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| Sunday, January 13th, 2002
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8:42 pm - "Something sharp to rip into my insides and bleed out all the pain." - alkaline trio
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Do you ever think about your funeral? I don't know if it's bad thing, but I do all the time. It's not that I want to die, I just think: If I die tomorrow, who would show up, and who would cry, and who would pretend that they knew me? Would these girls that sit there and tell me I'm a sinner come to my funeral. Probably. They would probably cry and say what a good person I was too. My entire seminary class would come and write notes to my mother about how nice I was. (when in reality I never speak to any of them).... and I know my whole ward would be there, and no one would mention my negativity, my laziness, my sins... like they do now. What's even worse to think about is who wouldn't show up. I don't like that thought at all, because some people I know very well would just shrug it off and life goes on. They might visit my grave a couple months later. maybe.
Hmmm... I'm not depressed, and the subjects of death and funerals never make me sad. I can't wait, honestly. It's an adventure, right? And I also don't feel sorry for myself. I'm just curious. That's all.
current mood:  pensive
current music: The Ataris - Hellos and Goodbyes (maybe?)
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(4 bruises | thoughts, ideas, and...stuff...)
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2:00 am - Last minute memories
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I bought a book and have been reading it for a while, but I got this sudden urge to come down to the computer and write in my livejournal. Maybe it's because the book inspired me to write? Yeah well, nothing I write is inspiring so what's the point? right? Actually, no, I like writing in here. I like posting my feelings at the moment I have them, not for anyone who reads this, but for myself.
Today I went to Barnes and Noble with Jeff and Julie. I like bookstores. I sat around and looked at photography books for a while. They reminded me of Vinny, the photo teacher. He was my favorite teacher at my school who was accused of molesting a boy at Scout camp. I didn't believe it at first. He always talked about moral issues and how you should be true to yourself, and he was married and had a little girl, both of whom he seemed to really love. (which I'm sure he did) But he pleaded guilty. I actually cried over this. He was one of those adults that I actually trusted and talked to, and I wasn't as close to him as some. I can't imagine the betrayl they felt. But everyone makes mistakes.
I saw Bert from Used at Barnes and Noble. And also a friend who used to go to my school. Jeremy. He always kind of ignored everything I said and talked to Julie, which I guess is ok since I mostly like to listen... he got Julie's phone number, he wants to go out for cofee sometime... haha. That amused me.
I'm not looking forward to church tomorrow. I haven't had a good "church week." Not that I've been especailly "bad", it's just all the self-riteous people that have butted their way into my conversations lately. They have kind of ruined the church thing for the moment. I can see how annoyed people not of the LDS religion in Utah could get. Plus, I don't want to have to wake up tomorrow.
I watched the first 10 minutes of What Women Want today, and then turned it off disgusted. How degrading. And disgusting.
My fingers hurt. I played the guitar for a long time today. I learned a couple Weezer songs and a Get up Kids song and lots of Alkaline Trio. I usually don't learn other band's songs all the way through, so I was kind of proud of myself. Not that it really matters.
This is getting pretty long, I think I'll go back to my book.
current mood: pensive
current music: The Get up Kids - Valentine
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(3 bruises | thoughts, ideas, and...stuff...)
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