LiveJournal for Braticas.
|
|||||||||||||
| Thursday, March 21st, 2002 |
|
||||||||
|
It seems I'm always unfinished. imcomplete. always. Today one of my teachers said he looked around and everyone appears ok on the outside but he wonders which ones really aren't on the inside. I have no desire to go out this weekend. None whatsoever. I'm supposed to do this modeling gig, but I told my mom 30 times already that I did not want to do it. Matter of fact, that is THE LAST thing I want to do. You know what would satisfy me? Laying in my bed...undisturbed...with my music playing...and my candles lit. I love the glow of my room. It's dark, yet warm. My bed is my comfort zone. Whenever I feel bad...I jump on my bed, grab my incubus decoupaged notebook, and write. I'm proud of that notebook I made. Of course, no one is allowed to touch it..since it has articles of incubus that are like three years old and I've protected. I know. Obsessive. Since I'm lacking any creativity...and really nothing happened to me today...of course....and my song is finally finished downloading...guess where I'm going?!! TO BED. Yes, I'm aware of the time. There is no point in me staying up, I just want to sleep as long as possible... *kisses.....it seems no one wants these anymore...well, fuck you if you don't. |
||||||||
|
|
|
||||||||
|
I just watched the Laramie Project on tv.... Oh my did I cry. Matthew Sheppard's murder just upsets me so much. I just don't see how a human being could be so cruel and physically torture another person just because of their sexuality. Ignorance and homophobia digusts me. I believe people should practice any lifestyle (sexuality/religion) they want. It's their life! People should do what's right for them. I guess I'm just blessed with openmindedness. |
||||||||
|
|
| Wednesday, March 20th, 2002 |
|
||||||||
|
Yesterday I wanted to buy glow in the dark paint and my mom wouldn't let me! Gr. She also gave me a lecture about prom. :( I say fuck it. I wanted that really sexy dress but I know it won't look good on me cuz I'm such a cow. Besides the whole date thing is frustrating....I don't wanna go with just anyone. I wanna go with someone special...but, eh...I doubt that is gonna happen. Anyway, today....I was walking home alone (I dunno where everyone was today) listening to bif naked, my hands were freezing...it was so odd, I was walking really slow, and just looking up the street. Everyone was so dark...and cold. I don't know, it was just a pecuilar feeling I had. I'm so fucking tired and depressed, I can't think of anything good to say. I'm always depressed afterschool. I really want to sleep...because I always wanna do that when I come home...but I can't today, Spencer and Nance are coming over. damn them. I think I might go pass out on the couch now... or drink some liquid detergent. *kisses... Oh how I enjoy kisses |
||||||||
|
|
| Tuesday, March 19th, 2002 |
|
||||
|
I'm alone, alone in the dark. Does that mean you can still see what I see? Spinning: phantom planet, the sundays, kidney thieves. dashboard confessional...whatnot. Another empty day awaits me. joy. Today, fun=dancing in my bedroom with my niece, nephew, and cousin. all under the age of the ten. now that's living. |
||||
|
|
| Monday, March 18th, 2002 |
|
||||||||
|
Today when I came home I smoked. I know, bad bad jesse. I just felt bad today...even though the actually day wasn't that bad. 1st period, was funny. 2nd period, extremely boring. 4th period, I actually worked...and Johnnie came over and kept me company. But, 6th period was really comical. Rachel, Eva, Jessye, Craig, and I finished our work mad early so we basically talked about sex and drugs for 40 minutes. Fun Fun. Then, craig found a condom near ms. lampley's desk..lol..so dan britt put it on his hand...and...oh, it was just wrong. My mom is just typical..she told me today I better come home and get some work done. I'm like, Yo, when you come home from work, you don't wanna work, same thing with school. I just wanna sleep. I want some hugs too. Farewell children. |
||||||||
|
|
| Sunday, March 17th, 2002 |
|
||||||||
|
Last night I had to have dinner at my grandmother's house. "friends of the family" came to visit, so of course, I had to make an appearance. Thrilled. I love Joe and Claire, but I didn't really want to spend my friday night trapped in a house in southshore (where no body lives!) Well, actually Evan lives there, but he doesn't like me so he won't come and visit me. I spent most of the night conversing with a five year old. I love spencer. He's so funny. He told me all about his girlfriend at school (named abby), how she wears a ribbon in her hair everyday, and that he kissed her friday. I was like awwwwwww! God, I miss being that age. I did converse with the elders. But, after having met and spent time with all of my grandparents friends over the years (since I lived with them for two years and they had company every two weeks), the act get's old. The first thing they ask is..."How's school Jessica?" then it's, "Jessica, how old are you now?" and then "Do you have a boyfriend Jessica?" "Do you like living here Jessica?" oh and, "Jessica, where do you plan to go to college?" Yes. EVERYTIME. It's all the same questions...and they always call me Jessica. Instead of grinning, and making my life sound just peachy, I wish I could answer... "Well, school is not too cool, I get to be ignored by people I wanna be with, my grades are steadily declining, and I always feel like skipping. I'm almost 18, which will rock, because I can get into places, and buy smokes. I do not have a boyfriend, because men don't like me..and I think with all this woman action I'm getting, and being ignored by males, GOD is trying to tell me to be a lesbian. I do like living here, although I can't do shit I wanna do. I guess I'm gonna go to VCU because I don't feel like looking around for a better place, and now I'm questioning what I'm gonna do..because I feel so stupid at times." SO THERE. AH. Probably the best part of the night was sitting outside in the rocking chair...enjoyingthe cool breeze and silent neighborhood...then, spencer came outside, sat on my lap, and talked to me until he fell asleep. He's sick again. =( Which will probably mean I will get sick, but who cares. But I came home a few hours later than expected....called Courtney, poor thing was stuck at work. Then called Eva...and spent the night over her house. She's so spunky, it's funny. THEN today, I spent all day, chillin'....and....I actually worked tonight!!!!! I went outside, with the phone, on my front porch....with my blanket, my dog katie, and drawing board. I started this picture of jay gordon of orgy. It looks awesome. I've only got it about halfway done, and I worked on that bitch for three hours. it's 18in by 24in, pretty big for me. =) yay. Ooh, I also made a pillow today. that's kicks your fucking ass doesn't it? |
||||||||
|
|
| Thursday, March 14th, 2002 |
|
||||||||
|
Hell Fucking YES! Just found out HOOBASTANK is playing with Incubus at the fairfax and roanoke concerts. YESH! I'm going to fairfax one. Yippeeeee!!!!!!! AND PHANTOM PLANET is opening for Incubus in richmond. =) Another YAY! Unwritten Law is coming to richmond!!!!! YAY!!!!!! That makes this spring awesome. Let's see...there's also converge, the eyeliners, hatebreed, and catch 22..are coming to town. Finally fucking richmond is getting some things I wanna go to! |
||||||||
|
|
|
||||||||
|
Another empty day has passed me by. Your voice is just a murmur now. Your smile is not directed to me. I just miss you, I know your still there..but things aren't how they used to be. Things aren't how I saw them once before. Today. Even. Sat in crafts class...listening to my cd player.. just letting my pencil glide across my paper.. not drawing anything in particular. I just listened to my "wild horses" song and deftones all class. Art class, project to draw Skylar, Madame Barbee's dog. I dreaded it, but I drew it, and it looks awesome. Tim even came over and said some nice things about it. I always feel awkward when people complement me or my work. But, you know what I hate...when people talk about you, and you can hear them. That's happened the past two days in science. I can hear every other word...they aren't saying anything bad about me..but still, I feel weird. Today, ben asked to hold my glasses, so I took them off, and he's like, "whoa..." So I'm like, "hmmm?" And he says I look like Libby off of Sabrina the Teenager witch. That's a first. no one ever calls me anymore. :( |
||||||||
|
|
| Wednesday, March 13th, 2002 |
|
||||
|
It's good someone actually relates to me... Myke does...I think he realizes that now... Courtney was talking to me about him today. She thinks he the nicest guy ever even though he doesn't know her name. hehe. |
||||
|
|
|
||||||||
|
I felt really horrible when I came home.. So I just went to bed. Of course, my mom woke me up bitching that I didn't even go downstairs and see her when she got home. I felt like saying, "Well, it's not like you came upstairs to see why I was in bed." But I'm glad she didn't...because she would demand to know what's wrong, what happened. Truthfully, not one single thing affected me...it was just..everything. So I slept. I dreamt. Then heard my name, Ashley came over to exchange her Buffy tapes. (she tapes buffy at my house) I did wanna get up, I coulda stayed in bed for hours. I miss dreams. I rarely remember them. I burned Ash's Buffy soundtrack. It's damn good. I'm burning everything now. Josie & The Pussycats, Savage Garden (god, I used to adore them), Kidney Thieves, Deftones, Rage, ...haha, drawing a blank...but all these songs I used to adore.. It's great. |
||||||||
|
|
|
||
|
I need to be hugged so bad....by certain people. I feel so bad. I hate mr. brown...he makes me feel horrible. |
||
|
|
| Tuesday, March 12th, 2002 |
|
||||||||
|
It's Tuesday night. Anything special about that? Well, tomorrow is Wednesday. But guess what did happen on the day that is Tuesday....today.... Go on, it's not that difficult..... Aw, I'll give you a hint. It starts when NOTH...and ends with ING. I cheated on my diet..which I do every day, but today I was particularly bad. I especially hate it when skinny girls...like Holland tell me how to loose weight. I feel like saying, fuck off..you have a different body type, you've always been skinny. I swear, your not in my shoes, so you don't know what the hell to tell me what to do. I'm in my shoes, and I don't know what to do. I really don't care anymore. I'm just going to grow up and be an ugly old cow. On a lighter note, some good things did happen today. Johnnie gave me some glow in the dark bracelets. I love them man. Haley made me a "kinky jesse" tape bracelet. Jessye listened to me in 2nd period. I told her some stuff about..well..stuff. I saw Brian today at Micheal's. He's a sweet guy, really timid though. I went to Barnes & Nobles. I'm not going to list the bad things.. But today in first period I was thinking..."why did I kiss him again?" lol, I'm sure he'd much rather kiss someone else, than I. Oh yes, don't you love this pessimistic attitude? One of the many traits that accompany me. That's about the only think that does. It appears the men in my life enjoy ignoring me now. Flirtations...haha, no such thing. I suspected some, but I see quite cleary..nothing of the sort. You know...several people I know all bitch about their friends/love lives....kinda like I do, except they never accept an invitation with me, to go anywhere...that's supposedly have plans with these horrible--practically non-exisitent friends. now, everyone tells me I'm paranoid....and I make this whole thing out worse, than what it really is...but If you were in my position..HOW would you feel? People never think about how I feel. People use me...especially at school...whether it's for money, walkman, cds, or..batteries. My mom calls me a bitch, but how come one let people walk all over them? People also use me out of school...rides..as a means to get to other people. I don't know HOW many of my "supposed" friends use me as a buffer to get to another one of my friends. It seems it's every time I go out. Aw, how I miss...affection. I get some at school...from close friends... but that's not enough for me. I always want to know people, and hang with people...but I know that it's not gonna happen with those certain people. It feels my whole life, I've wanted to be something else. I'm myself... that's for sure.. But...Oh, I don't know. I wish I could rewind time. |
||||||||
|
|
| Sunday, March 10th, 2002 |
|
||||||||
|
I watched a change in you it's like you never had wings now you feel so alive I watched you change It's like you never had wings You make me feel so alive. Anyway, enough of the deftones lyrics...since I don't know half of them. Someone that is capable of an intelligent conversation....messaged me! Isn't that amazing? His name is Justin. Very cool guy. He has blue hair and piercings. Tee Hee. Shut up man, I like people like that. They have spunk. I like talking to him. I actually might meet him. =) Anyway, I'm keeping this short because I have work to do...while blasting my music. |
||||||||
|
|
| Saturday, March 9th, 2002 |
|
||||
|
OMG. The phrase keeps playing in my head, it's constantly.... It seems I've heard it a thousand times... But it never ceases... Never simmers down to a faint whisper.. Instead, it's a consistent reminder... Must I be reminded every few seconds? With this voice inside my head...comes this feeling crawling up my throat. Lurking in my chest..... It retracts...then in a few moments spread it's claws all over me.... It's the strangest feeling ever. It's familiar, I know I've had it, but never this long. Never this long. I wish my body and mind would rest at times. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
why won't you die your blood in mine we'll be fine then your body will be mine So many words can't describe my face This feeling's evolved so soon to break out I can't relate to a happy state feeling the blood run inside why won't you die your blood in mine we'll be fine then your body will be mine Why is everything so fucking all for me? Keep me down to what you think I should be Must you tempt me and provoke the ministery? Keep on trying I'm not tied so easily why won't you die your blood in mine we'll be fine then your body will be mine |
||||
|
|
|
||||||||
|
Today I got bitched at for putting liquid detergent in the washing machine. Hence, a big mountain of bubbles in my kitchen. HOW the fuck was I supposed to know that wouldn't work? ARGH. I also got bitched at for coming home at 12:30 last night. And actually before that, not coming home until 6:30pm and I didn't leave a note. I feel bad for ashley, she got in trouble. I know some of it was my fault, but not all. None of it was hers...just...some other's peoples. Procrastination. Ah, anyway. I've been blasting Chester Bennington's "system" and Deftones "change." I love those two fucking songs. I'm also into hoobastank's "the dance that broke my jaw." It's good. they make me feel good. Oh well, I don't have anything to say, that wouldn't get me in trouble... |
||||||||
|
|
| Friday, March 8th, 2002 |
|
||||
|
You know, it just figures.... but I am my worst enemy...I shoulda seen it coming, but I was NOT expecting....argh... Anyway....yea, he kissed her for like five minutes...and me for like 2 seconds. Like I said....figures. figures. figures. figures. figures. |
||||
|
|
| Thursday, March 7th, 2002 |
|
||||
| All the doubts that have crippled you in the past are just that -- in the past. And since those very trying times of your youth, you have not only matured emotionally and physically, but intellectually as well. You need to see that you do have what it takes. Tap the mud off your cleats, step into the batter's box and stare down the pitcher. He may be the Cy Young Award winner, and he may be the best hurler since Nolan Ryan. But in the game you're playing, he is really no match for a slugger of your caliber. | ||||
|
|
| Sunday, March 3rd, 2002 |
|
||||||
|
I love being home alone. I get so much accomplished. Obviously, I'm over my little spat. I have really bad mood swings, I'm still a little sad but I'm not crying. I got so much accomplished today. I cleaned most of the house...saw a movie..and made my entire dinner from scratch! I made yellow rice, broccoli, and a chicken-mushroom stir fry. And after I ate dinner, I did the dishes and now I am just waiting for Six Feet Under to come on. I love that show. |
||||||
|
|
|
||
|
How foolish was I to acutally think he could be interested in me. OR FUCKING ANYONE for that matter. Now my debate is, shall I go to school tomorrow? Or shall I stay home? I might as well, just get further behind in crafts & art. AH! I wanna scream. I wanna cry. Oh wait, I already am! Imagine that! What was the point of everything I did today? It was all for nothing because he's not going to..... Fuck him. fuck everyone. |
||
|
|
LiveJournal for Braticas.
|
|||||||||||||
sad.
accomplished.
ecstatic.
okay.
flirty.
distressed.