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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Spmunky Cook's LiveJournal:
| Friday, March 22nd, 2002 | |
| 5:24 pm | was it his brown eyes? i know blue eyes get boring... getting kinda jittery now. i always get a bit nervous before shows, especially big ones. except for warped tour i think jenny and i were too hyper to even think of being nervous. now i must wait for emily and amber to get here. then, its off to waterstreet for The Bouncing Souls, The Pie Tasters, and The Unseen. whee! im going to go nuts tonite, it's going to rock. only about 500 words until ill have reached the bare-minimum for the reasearch paper. it's due thursday, so i really have to move along. i still havent written out notecards. why bother? i mean most of this stuff is out of my memory and ive got all the extra info in the books and magazines. eh, i should be ok. today was alright, rather boring but good. and i felt good too. they tried to give me another referral for not going to learning center. dammit all im not going to go to learning center! screw you, you learn nothing there, except that the teachers basically do your homework for you. hello, I need to do it so I can PASS. stupid people. i have to convince them to take it off my schedule, i will never go to something you assign me to. i mean really other than the required classes and the classes i wanted to take im not going to go to learning center because you assigned me. i was going there all on my own then you fucked it up and said i belonged there. fuck you, i dont belong in there. so now i go to art and every now and then i stay in lunch. i had 2 tests today, that was unpleasent but neither were too difficult. cammy was in lunch today so i stayed with him, and phil was there too. it was fun. im going to be sooooo damned tired on monday. thank god i have gym. no core classes what-so-ever. ill be fine. i should look up some jobs while im sitting here, chichiwah needs money. im outtie Current Mood:  nervousCurrent Music: definitely hearing some saves the day |
| Thursday, March 21st, 2002 | |
| 6:16 pm | peach monkeys, and of course- purple monkey sassifrass! yes! today was a good day! i feel happy! *whee for me* im in a good mood. today was exactly what i needed. i had an odd nite of sleeping last nite. not bad, just odd but comforting at the same time. i woke up at about 4:30 and i was happy to discover i had another hour to sleep. so i went back to sleep and had some odd dreams, i also over slept because i picked up my watch at some point- put it on the bed- and rolled over on it. hehehe. the dreams were pretty cool though. the first one was in school, in fact it was at the radio station where id stopped to see rob the other day. rob was in my dream, it was weird, very emotional. i dont remember a lot of what happened except that it got rather explicit...never mind. the second one started at i think bristol, we were with ski-club. myself, and i think amanda. then we were on top of the mountain with a guide who turned out to be jason. jay was talking to us about the different trails on the mountain. it was warm so some of the trails were closed. then i was talking to ryan palis about runs on the backside of the mountain. amanda and i started to leave carrying our boards headed up the mountain. jason stopped us and told us if we saw anything addressed to a Mr.Joe to stay FAR away. supposedly he was some pedophile they believe hid up in the woods on the mountain. we were kinda freaked but left anyways. suddenly we were back in school, in the cafeteria, it was nearly midnite and i guess we must have been caught in a storm or were spending the nite at school. but my coworker chris was there. and i was sitting on his lap, comfortably cuddling to him. but jason was there too. coworkers are not allowed to date. but jason did nothing except to smile and chuckle. and i was content, i suppose because i am so content with my coworkers. my coworkers are my family and i love them (not to mention chris is so damn hot). when i woke up nearly a half hour late i hurried through my shower and attempted to rush getting ready to leave. im no good at rushing in the morning, i forget things and then i get mad at myself. but today felt so good. i was so happy. public speaking rocked and i got to do some improv stuff with bill, nial, brendan, and rob. it was so funny, my name was Candy and i kicked rob's (osama's) ass out of the "cave" we were in. ceramics was great, daniel brought me a sticker back from the skillet concert! i *heart* daniel, thanks dan. and i made myself a soup bowl, so i can have myself some wonton soup in it. listened to catch22 with adam dannielle mike and heather in the art room. and i stayed with chichiwah owner at her table. cammy is feeling better which is good. but hausie-baby isnt. he seemed very distressed. we started weight room today in gym and so we had to see how much weight we could handle at the bench press. i only did up to 70lbs. i want to start training at 55lbs and work up to 80, that's my goal. hopfully my arms will not be sore tomorrow because damn i wanna mosh. im dying to let some insanity out! i stayed after and tooled my pot, it looks really good. the red and the white clay made some really neat patterns. john and ryan stopped in for awhile too and i guess they've got a show coming up. i guess kenny isnt coming back this year. i guess sean was tlaking to john and john told him about it. maybe they'll let him come back for next year. that would be great. and perhaps we could persuade them to put ken in a couple of classes with me, i think it's johns last year next year. oh, me so hungie!!!!!! Current Mood:  happyCurrent Music: misfits, oh i love my misfits |
| Wednesday, March 20th, 2002 | |
| 9:20 pm | "if i could only see you now-for about an hour" im feeling much better. seriously im in such a better mood now than i was just a few hours ago. took my ass for a run with the dog, my mind just slid back into this state of serenity. when i came in i picked up my guitar and fooled around with this chird arrangement ive been working on. i focused. i went to my lesson and it went well. that boy from last week was there again tonite. he is handsome, and he had sandals on! if it wasnt so damned rainy id put mine on. alex is a great mentor, im so happy he is my teacher. im learning some No Doubt now which is cool. i still want to work on that greenday and nirvana stuff. i dont know if the caffine has worn off yet, i cant tell. but my legs are tired from running. i need to get into shape, like seriously start training. there's no way i can handle the gunks this summer if i dont start training. i should talk to gear-head about training. i called work but jason wasnt there so i had bonnie leave him a message. im going to be so damned busy this weekend. the bouncing souls friday nite with emily. work saturday, community arts day after work. sarahs party saturday nite, hopfully ill be awake enough sunday to try and go to kevins show with page13 and livid. i have absolutely NO core classes tomorrow, im so happy! "i look across my room, and the posters hung on all the walls, they're just a shadow of the person i used to be, the books on my shelf, just a shadow of the literature that moved me, the cds on the desk, just a shadow of the bands i once adored, the photos in the album, they're a shadow of the people i once believed were my friends, the writings crumpled in the trash, they're a shadow of the world i once knew, but i dont know you anymore, and i dont see things in you i did before, the sky is cloudy at night now, and i cant see the stars, but somehow i still know exactly where you are, in silence we exist- apart and aware"........damn im good..... Current Mood: calmCurrent Music: saves the day- sell my old clothes im off to heaven |
| 3:28 pm | "never gonna get me, im the crimson ghost..." I see: a sandwich I need: more caffine I find: my open mountain dew I want: it to be friday I have: a sandwich I wish: i could be sleeping right now I love: people who are true to me I hate: people who are fake and dont care I miss: matt my old boss I fear: I will die alone I feel: hyper, sad, rejected, insane, not really hungry I hear: the wood burning stove I smell: wood smoke I crave: love I search: for myself I wonder: where it went I regret: being so immature When was the last time I ... Smiled?: perhaps this morning Laughed?: in 5th block Cried?: hmm, i suppose the other nite Bought something?: at lunch Danced?: before school Were sarcastic?: im sure all day Kissed someone?: friday nite Talked to an ex?: today, though we never "technically" broke up Watched your favorite movie?: awhile ago Had a nightmare?: loooooong time ago What was the ... Last book you read?: im reading kurt cobain Last movie you saw?: the lion king at kevin's house Last song you heard?: the misfits- decending angels Last thing you had to drink? dew, right now Last time you showered? 5:30am ths morning Last thing you ate?: a very dry turkey sandwich being consumed as i type Do you... Smoke?: nope Do drugs?: im a square trapped in a circle's body Have sex?: the summer?...if that counts Sleep with stuffed animals?: every night Live in the moment?: i try to Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: no Have a dream that keeps coming back?: not anymore Play an instrument?: my guitar Remember your first love?: meaning???? Still love him/her?: probably Read the newspaper?: last nite Have any gay or lesbian friends?: oh hell yeah!!! Believe in miracles?: sometimes Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?: yes Consider yourself tolerant of others?: very much so Consider love a mistake?: only if it's fake Like the taste of alcohol?: depends, i dont drink regularly, only when celebrating Have a favorite candy?: yea Believe in astrology?: yea Believe in magic?: not really Believe in God?: yea Pray?: i suppose i do every nite Go to church?: nope Have any secrets?: who doesnt Have any pets?: 2 dogs, 3 birds, 2 gerbils Go to or plan to go to college?: yes'um Talk to strangers who instant message you?: um, not many people i dont know IM me Wear hats?: rarely Have any piercings?: yup Have any tattoos?: right after i give blood when im 18 Hate yourself?: im hard on myself, i dont hate myself Have an obsession?: yes Collect anything?: sort of Have a best friend?: i guess you can call it that Wish on stars?: yup, 'specially shooting stars Like your handwriting?: my boss told me once that i have manly hand-writing, i find it amusing Have any bad habits?: i suppose Care about looks?: i am who i am, i shouldnt care that much about how i look Believe in witches?: they arent witches... Believe in ghosts?: no, but im scared of them i did this purposefully so that not many of you will even feel like reading thus far. aside from my sober mood yesterday, the day wasnt that bad. im getting pumped about friday nite. i cant wait. when i went by the radio station room i stopped to say hi to bobby. he came over and gave me a big hug and asked if i was still mad at him??? i guess i was mad at him at some point? then he deicded it would be a great idea to shove me against the doorway and try to hump me. then he wanted me to go get him a pizza from cams, i wouldve if i couldve stolen his car to do it. i had about 8 of those caffinated mints yesterday near the end of the day. in fact i was planning on finishing off what was left in the box, so i wouldve consumed 15-20 caffinated mints. 3=one mountain dew in caffine. but by the time i got home i forgot so i never finished them or drank all the dew i was planning on having. so today i had a dew this morning and i had the last 7 or 8 caffinated mints, and now im having another dew, im going to see what heppens. this only has 36mg of caffine because its a mountainW from wegmans. we'll see what happens. today sucked. just because i had all my core classes, ignored the table again, had a math test, and i was completely freaked during lunch for, reasons. so yes, im feeling shitty. and im hating people in general for taking relationships for granted. i seriously "hope you're as happy as you're pretending". i hate this pushing away from everyone, but this is a test. and all those who relieze a relationship isnt one-sided will pass. chichiwah owner talked to me for a long time last nite. it was good to get things off my chest..... anyone that thinks im like pshycotic or depressed, im not. ive NEVER put a blade to wrist and i NEVER will. ive got too much to do instead of sitting on the bathroom floor draining myself of my blood......... i think i may walk the dog. it's raining and i enjoy the rain, although i wish it were snow. and then ive got to play my guitar because ive got a lesson and ive been lazy this week. caffine is kicking in, time to move Current Mood:  sadCurrent Music: of course i will only be listening to misfits! |
| Tuesday, March 19th, 2002 | |
| 9:05 pm | no time to rewind... yeah today was fairly boring. i *heart* my easy days though. i enjoy just relaxing all day long, and having some fun. public speaking is so funny, we just sit there and crack up all class because it's waaaay to early to behave. i really enjoy pat's company. he is a very nice person, he's so quiet but he's very attentive to things. and he has really nice eyes (i know, im an eye person, im just weird like that). my whole class is nice. we have such a great mix of people, and of course we have rob. i have to change my persuaive speech topic though because someone is doing alcoholism and she doesnt want us duking it out in class, hehehe. ceramics was very boring but my project is finally being fired, and the stoneware stuff is going in soon. but other than that i spent most of 2nd block trying to keep daniel from spraying me with the water bottle and fill out some artist reference sheets. hung out down in the other art room for awhile talking with scoppa, and i think his name is like josh or adam? lunch is still nerve raking. i dont go anywhere near the table. and they dont miss me, fuck'em they dont give one bit about me. cammy is right, i think it is time to move on. tara told me something today, and i suppose it caught me off guard. but i cant seem to get it out of my head. im trying to pretend i dont care, that it doesnt bother me. but it does. now i wonder if all the doors are finally closed or if new ones just opened. likely they're closed, not that they weren't before. and since tara told me ive been very sobered. not that it's a bad feeling, just one of those 'stop thinking that way. it's never going to happen. nothing is ever going to happen. with anyone.' im so lost, i just want things to be different. i was feeling happy all the time again, i thought i had something to look forwartd to. but now i question it. just like all my other relationships....confused???.....it's ok, i am too. well now. my room smells nice, i had a bunch of my candles lit last nite. i got to talk to emily for a long time last nite too. i should actually try and stay in touch with her. we talked about a lot, and we're definitely going to bouncing souls friday nite! whee! i cant wait, i need to go to a good show and get some aggression out. and i wanna crowd surf again! i just wanna be me for one nite.... ah hell i forgot to call work again. i must change my hours. mental note Current Mood: sober Current Music: sean is sleeping, im supposed to be QUIET!!! |
| Monday, March 18th, 2002 | |
| 6:19 pm | there's no acqusations-just friendly crusteans, under the sea! mwahahaha, im crazy. yesterday was alright. not much happened. when i got to the mall i found melissa and elaina with their boyfriends plus a joe. as i was talking to them i saw dustin of all people walking by. so i stopped him and since melissa and all them were heading out i told (rather shouted) at melissa i was leaving her for dustin. so as we walked away form them we all shouted back and forth. dustin was screaming 'dont call me, dont email me, dont IM me ever again!' god it was great to make an ass of myself in front of a whole bunch of people. dust and i went to the 6t's shop and picked up some stuff. i got some people presents and i got myself a buddha candle and a couple sticks of incence that dust and i both think smell like cucumbers. dustin had to go so i wandered once more by myself and picked up a few more things for people's b-days :). today was alrighty roonie, but veeeeeeery long. and the only thing i dont like about having an all core-class day is having a day of all core-classes tests. damn it sucked. but im tough stuff so i pulled through. i just realized that next thursday i have a whole research paper due, and i have no note-cards written or an outline of any sort. i guess i better get cracking. but i should be alright i can write a lot of it off the top of my head simply because i liked the life of kurt cobain so much. lunch is difficult. i dont like avoiding the table. but ill give them their time and if they care in the least, maybe (this is a very big maybe) chris will talk to me. ben picked me up after school and we went driving out to the volvo dealership. but nothing looked all that good so we came back. it feels good tohave ben back. i always miss our random trips when he's at CAZ. i must go eat. write more later.. maybe Current Mood: amusedCurrent Music: millencolin |
| Sunday, March 17th, 2002 | |
| 11:24 am | f*cking computer you love me not!!! this bastard of a computer has been pissing me off this morning. twice its turned the internet off and just now it froze on me and i had to restart. bastard. nothing interesting happening with me, but happy st.patricks day to anyone who is Irish like myself. im off to the mall to buy some people some birthday presents and get myself a belt!.....breakfast time! Current Mood:  annoyedCurrent Music: misfits misfits misfits woot! |
| Saturday, March 16th, 2002 | |
| 9:44 pm | "i never can find the words to tell you" i heard that song must've been half a dozen times today but thats ok. now im getting down to some hardcore ska! nothing like ska to make me smile. took myself for a run so im happy for myself. before i went out, tasha (the german shepard sleeping behind my chair) growled in her sleep. i laughed to myself and thought 'she's dreaming about squirrels'. and then i remembered why i figured she was dreaming....boomer used to dream. my chunky monkey, epileptic golden retriever used to have bad dreams while he slept. i remember all the times where id go into the dogs room and sit down next to him and pet him until he stopped crying or woke up. i still wonder what could have plagued his dreams so. and then i got to thinking of how much i miss that big idiot. he was so stupid and so fat and so, boomerish. i felt very sad and began to think how much i actually miss the seizures and the bed dreams and the obseity. i would go through it all over again if i could just have my chunky boomer back. all the hours i spent in the dogs rooms sitting there while he seizured and shook and looked so scared. and i sat there. just to be with him because no one else would. and he would try to move to be close to me, so i had to stay very close. and i remember how scared i was because of his erratic breathing, and how he thrashed around. i remember how exhausted he always was after the seizures, and how he would be tired for a day or 2 afterwards. nearly a hundred seizures he must have had. he died when he was 8, and his first seizures were just before he turned one. they progressively worse, and long. sometimes he'd have one for an hour, come out of it, and relapse into another one for another hour...i remember all my efforts to get him into shape. 93lbs and he was short and round. but i took his weight down into the 80's. i remember how nudgy he was about being rubbed and pet. and i remember coming home that fateful day when i saw him lying on the deck....and i remember saying 'why doesnt he look like he's breathing?!'....and running out there to shake him even though he was dead. how sean blamed himself, even though he had nothing to do with it. and how broken we all were. how hard it was to leave him at the vets, and never being able to pet him again....the vet always warned us it would happen one day. his heart would just stop after one of the seizures. god this past summer sucked. you couldnt pay me to relive it. this summer better be better. it will be better. it's funny how talking to garret the other day about my party he remembered when both dogs died. i called garret both times, and we talked for a long time about death, and music and such. i just was surprised he even remembered. strangly i feel happy writing all this, im sad because i miss my pooch, but im happy because he doesnt ache anymore. Current Mood: amusedCurrent Music: some damned good ska!!!! |
| 6:30 pm | you must listen just in case anybody is up for some good old ska http://www.wvfs.fsu.edu/ check this place out from 8-10 for some ska!!!!!! |
| 6:06 pm | beneath this glowing sky.... yesterday was tiring. but i already wrote about yesterday. i think. well i dont care. last nite was much better, i felt MUCH better. i was very happy to see benjamin. i still think it's not fair he's 6' 5" and im only 5' 4"! but it was nice to go out and be driving with ben. it's so very relaxing to go cruising and i simply enjoy hanging out with him even if we have nothing to talk about. finally managed to pick up adam after we missed the exit into fairport. we drove to peter's to get peter and katie and then we went up to earthtones. damn it was crowded, but we got the seats by the fire. afterwards we headed back to peter's and house played about one game of pool and then just hung out in the living room do stand-up comedy impressions. it was fun. although i dont exactly fit in with their little group. i just felt out of place because of all of them i know ben the best, and so i didnt want to invade on his time. im so lost in terms of adam. im so unsure of how i feel about him. im so comfortable with him, its not how i feel about other people. so im confused. and i guess its better it be that way, id hate for things to become labeled or destroyed with him. ben took the very long way home but we got back just after 11 to invade on sean mike and james watching american pie2. i was going to go to bed and then i sat down on the couch. i started watching the movie and i sort of zoned out. sean finally 'kicked' me out. when i went to turn the outside lights off i suddenly wanted to go running. just to, clear my head, and calm down. but then i thought about how i dont even like running at 10:30 so i figured 11:30 would be even creepier. i only enjoying running in the dark that late when i have insomnia for a few nites in end. today was good, very tiring. work went well and i felt happy. i got lots of hugs today from my coworkers. damn i love them! they are the best group of people i know. and damn are we crazy!!!! absolutley buck nutty. my party really enjoyed me. it made me very happy. the mom even told bonnie how great i was! i felt incredible, bonnie announced it on the loud speaker just to embarrass me :). and to my surprise benjamin came to pick me up! and he brought david with him! it was nice to finally meet dave and see benjamin once again. and now im home and tired but im going to go running anyways. i feel lazy by sitting here. im getting fat sitting here. yes i do feel fat at times, i find it funny i spend so much time at work running up and down the stairs i should be fit as could be. but you know why im fat?! because my parties feed me cookie cake!!!! im dying to go to bristol tomorrow. anybody want to go??? Current Mood:  geekyCurrent Music: the ataris-angry nerd rock |
| Friday, March 15th, 2002 | |
| 6:15 pm | tell me lies again... today was definitely rough. but much better than yesterday, much better. i worried a lot all day long. but i believed i had so much to look foward to. joshy has to be one of the greatest kids on earth, he came over this morning before 1st block just to see if i felt better than i had yesterday. i just tried not to think about yesterday much. i got to go teach the fifth graders today! it's always fun to see these kids. i was explainging to josh the other day though that i feel like im lying to them sometimes...not about myself and not doing drugs and shit, but about people that DO do drugs. ive got friends that do. damn good close friends that do, and then ive got the ones that fall into my lunch table's category. i just feel like its a lie telling them that EVERY person that does smoke that does drink that does toke is a horrible person. but they have to see for themselves and in the end they're the only ones in charge of themselves.... we returned right after 3b began. i stayed at chichiwah owner's table today. i just feel like giving the table some space, and like cameron said maybe it is time i moved on from them. they aren't going anywhere. but im weak right now so im sure id go back in a heart-beat. the day was just calm, im almost done glazing the first project in ceramics and ill move onto the new project next class. yay for me. now im awaiting benjamin to show up in the gran marquis and tell me to get my shoes on. it should be a nice nite, might be shorter than i was hoping, but should be good anyways. we'll see. plans for tomorrow have fell through. other than work i now have nothing to do because im sure i wont get out to waterstreet for the show. that sucks because i really wanted to see mike, i only see him when im in galyans buying stuff, so its not often i see him. maybe i can convince some of my coworkers to all go out to bristol on sunday. i could go to swain with amanda but i want to go back to bristol. my tummy is so empty, where is that pizza man?! im disappointed in humanity. we're supposed to be like the greatest species on the planet but we lack so much in so many areas. i wish my puppy wasnt so dumb and nippy or id spend more time with him. ive got loads of homework i plan on putting off until sunday when ill suddenly become busy and have no time for it. yeah me! benjamin, chere benjamin where are you? its time for coffee........i want a hug..... Current Mood:  listlessCurrent Music: some ginblossoms was downloaded so im listening to it |
| Thursday, March 14th, 2002 | |
| 8:45 pm | SERENITY NOW!!! yes, i have calmed down. sort of relaxed, and pushed out a lot of the sadness. i find it difficult to be sad and inverted when other people are sad too and need someone to lean on. i talked to some people and i cooled off. im still sad and confused, majorly distressed about the stuation with chris and fat-tony and kitty. i think i may stay at my chichiwah's table tomorrow, maybe ill just stay there... if they'll let me. i think the big man upstairs is trying to push me in the right direction. i should be snowboarding right now. i really hope i go this weekend. i wanna go back to bristol. maybe ill even try that half-pipe again. we'll see, we'll see....for now, its time to play guitar. Current Mood: calmCurrent Music: for a change of pace ive got sublime on |
| 6:29 pm | "i hope you're as happy as you're pretending" today just sucked. completely, from every aspect. woke up to an unhappy beginning of the day. then looking for food i discovered we have none! oh yeah i just realized im screwed for breakfast tomorrow too! sesn doesnt eat breakfast here in the mornings anymore, and im so used to not having to mention we need cereal, we need bread, etc etc etc...so i discovered we had no cereal, no bread, no eggs, no yogurt, no frozen strawberries, no bannanas. so i had an apple and some grapes. right off the bat school sucks. i give up, i dont want to try anymore, people are too difficult. im not going to try and keep in touch with bacs, we'll do another isolation period and see if he notices. i had to rewrite my ss essay because my teacher emailed me after the time she told us she wouldnt be replying to emails. dammit. lunch fucking blew, i hated every moment of it. im so glad i went down to the art rooms before lunch. that was my only calm point of the day. kyle and zack were down there working so i sat and colored a weird design thingy i drew. i went to taras lunch table first to of course see my chichiwah owner and cammy. got to my table and it went downhill from there. theres 2 assholes who sit there, neither one does our end of the tble particularly care for. but anywho i got into an argument with them and told them to shut their damn traps because if they dont like it they can sit somewhere else because none of us cared if they were there. did i mention i hate it when people are talking and when i say what they just say 'dont worry about it'?! i cant stand it but they say it all the time. the other thing i cant stand is how EVERYONE seems to think i cant hear something and keep my mouth shut about it! it happens all the fucking time, when the hell do people hear me saying things i shouldnt be mentioning to anyone!!!??? NEVER!!!!! argh! so chris starts to say something, and then remember he shouldnt be talking about it so he shuts up and of course tony kitty and i wanna know. but he wont say anything. finally its time to go, i see him telling tony and kitty, and i told him how that annoyed me. then tony and kitty saaw me trying to talk to chris and got all upset and started fucking all talking at once! and then things just got all angered and i yelled at them for never explaing things to me,and they tried to say how i dont know these things because i dont see them out of school. blah blah blah, its fucked up. and finally im like 'you guys never even try to hang out with me outside of school, you do nothing!' and i just walked away. i was so upset i wanted to scream and cry and just start fucking running until i either collapsed or fell. but i did none of the above. i went to math and sat through it on the verge of tears, unhappily wondering what to do about tomorrow....i hated it, and even when i wrote it out i still felt angry and upset at the same time. ive just been in denial the whole time that something like this was ever going to happen because i didnt believe it would. and im guessing that im going to lose even more of what little of a foothold i have in my life. i know damn well that people are unrelyable and i think ive just let my guard down too much for my own good and now im going to get slapped in the face for it. i like people too much these days. im trying so hard to find my own niche and everything is full...and on top of all of this i want a RELATIONSHIP! of all the things i need is a relationship. i just want someone to be there to hug me when i have days like this, someone to hold onto ya know. but of course this is destined to never happen. i stayed after and it was pointless, i roamed with garret and then sat with him in his math room watching him to some math homework or something. but when i went to my room my own teacher was not there so i had nothing to do for half an hour. and i just feel like crap. there's so many things to be ahppy about and i cant even feel them. happiness is just beyond my fingertips.... damn it all. all of my friends whom i rarely see i dont think even care whether we hangout or not. and i feel like no one notices im not even trying anymore, that im pushing away. im so miniscule no one sees im gone. and i feel so fucking whiny. im so fucking full of myself i need to stop being this way. ive been so lazy about keeping in touch with the people that are far away and that i really do care about. i havent been calling or emailing anyone at all. im so fusking stupid. all the minor things that should have made my day worth it are as follows: i have a 95 in english, i got a couple hugs from my friends today, sarah's party is coming closer and closer everyday, garret said the parties i have at my house are a lot of fun, i got to have a fifth of a 2liter bottle of mountain dew, i finally told off fingato and fatty, and i have my easy day tomorrow, plus i get to go out with adam and ben tomorrow nite to javas. too bad these things dont seem so much more exciting to me right now.... Current Mood: sadCurrent Music: misfits make me smile |
| Wednesday, March 13th, 2002 | |
| 9:23 pm | this is different...... there was a guy staring at me while i was in the music store. as i was sitting in the basement awaiting alex i was strumming this weird little song thing ive been playing around with. and this guy walks in with his guitar sits down on the couch adjacent to me and just stared at me the whole time. i even stopped playing and watched the tv. he was handsome, and about my age, just it was odd. most people make an odd face when they stare at me (cause im a freak you know), but he seemed content to sit there watching me..... |
| 8:55 pm | and he climbs up the steps one by one to give you the rose thats been burned by her sun thinking about snowboarding again. i may end up going this weekend but im not sure yet. im going to be busy. im supposed to work 9-4 but i may call jason and ask him to cut it back to 9-2 so i can go to the show at waterstreet that starts at 2pm. anyone wanna go with me? im going out friday nite wuth ben and adam until god only knows what time. so hopfully on sunday i can get out to bristol with some people. it got all warm today and basically all the snow is gone, im so pissed at the weather this winter. stupid warm weather, will i never rid myself of your eternal heat!!!!!! oops. random outburst of anger. today was a good day i think. i didnt do much but what little i did seemed fulfilling. i decided to do my persuasive speech on addicts and how individual responsibility to addiction works better than any 12-step program. so we'll see how that goes. finished that small side project we were doing in ceramics and im almost done with glazing the first big project. ive been duct-taping random objects to the walls around school. the other day it was a busted up box of tissues, today it was a green balloon. im having fun. i got to see tara today in lunch *yay* and cammy too! i wrote another short poem today, im not sure where i put it though, i think its on the back of a bio sheet. and i had my guitar lesson tonite! i Current Mood: boredCurrent Music: i WAS listening to the misfits |
| Tuesday, March 12th, 2002 | |
| 8:43 pm | oh the things i do... another days goes by, and time trudges on, i cant sit here waiting- for you, and there's no blue skies, everything seems grey, i dont look at you in the same way, but your heart still beats, and your eyes still smile, and you still seem so happy, my mind drifts back, to that hot day, when you kissed me, and we sat at the shore, with our eyes towards the skies, and we seemed so happy, but one more day has gone by, and still we dont speak, and i'm not happy- waiting for you... i thought of the words to that during lunch when i watched a certain someone leave again. i dont know why i do things like this to myself. i wish someone could see im doomed to just be me. and this is the way i am. im so content with so little. im no high matinence girl. i feel like ive been surprised of so many silly little things. i could be happy so easily if id just give up on a few things. forget these ideas of impossible possibilities. i think tara is the closest person to understanding what i mean by all this (right chichiwah owner?)........hmm, ben comes home friday. coffee with adam and i get to meet this david ive heard so much about. i think i may go write or sketch or pick up my guitar and play a few notes |
| 8:07 pm | "my god that was violent....i blame the sea" ive never seen a bus of high-schoolers enjoy the "boot scootin' boogie" song so much! country music to and from rockclimbing today. it was like being in jasons car. but i didnt mind, chichiwah owner tara was singin' along and jakey was too. climbing was fun although nobody was really working today. jen showed up way early for her shift and marc came in just before we had to leave. i wandered around school with jake until it was time to leave for climbing, so i wasnt alone. ive been thinking thinking thinking all day long. too much confusinf conflictiong thoughts. i wrote another poem though, ill put it up in in a little while. school was so horribly boring i had plenty of time to think about things. ive got to start adding to that research paper, i took a big chunk out of the kurt cobain book im reading, but i still have a bunch more to read. im picking up on so many things about him. it just makes me more obssesed with his whole life. last nite absolutely rocked! i had a lot of fun at poetry nite. i wrote like 3 poems really quickly so im happy. i got to see adam *wiggles* which rocked my socks. and i read this cool poem out of a book called "the perks of being a wallflower". i got to see emily and amber which was cool. plus all the super cool kids that arent from webster who come to read their shtuff. i just had fun. and i felt so ecstatic all nite long. there's another silk shirt back in goowill i have to go and buy, this one is white though, not black like my favorite one. yesterday was fun too. my nice easy day was spent working with pat in public speaking. im finding pat to be much different these days than the guy i remember from back in elementary. bobby was getting back to his usual self again in ceramics. dammit all i want my fear factory cd back rob! lunch was pretty calm, somebody stole chris's car! right out of his driveway, joy-rided the neighborhood and stole 2 of his woofers out of the back. poor christopher. the rest of the day was just spent hanging around. after school i picked up my ceramics stuff with my joshy kitty *smiles*. and i talked to dave too. it was nice to chill with him for awhile. we talked about a lot of stuff...........and now ive run out of things to tell you because my life is a bore and you wouldnt want to live it for all the heart break i go through. Current Mood: ecstaticCurrent Music: the only thing i listen to on here, misfits |
| Sunday, March 10th, 2002 | |
| 9:16 pm | interesting..... a very fun weekend indeed. very long too. damn vermont is beautiful, i loved it so much. the mountains are just amazing, and the forests are so friggin' huge. the car ride up was boring as all hell. by the fifth hour i wanted to throw myself out of the car. but we made it to the condo by 7:30 or so. aunt peg showed up just before 8 and dad aunt peg and i headed out to pick up some pizzas and supplies for breakfast. uncle joe's old buisness partner tom showed up to have dinner with us. aunt peg's nephew daniel showed up next. he's absolutely handsome and a very nice guy. aunt peg's son andy showed up just after 11, so we all sat around the table talking. daniel's brother kevin showed up last at about a quarter to midnite. it was kind of funny i didnt put together daniel and kevin were brothers. but unless they're standing side by side you'd never know. i saw kevin pull up when i went out to get my cd player. he was attempting to park his suv (and doing a pretty bad job of it). met him at the door when he came in and i was hugely surprised to see it was him. i hadnt seen or talked to kevin since the funeral and sort of put him out of my mind. oops. i guess it was just because he is only my 'cousin in law' not really family. plus i didnt know him. and well to be honest though i found him to be a nice attractive person and all we come from seperate places in society. i wanted to make fun of him because i saw him do the fancy pinky thing when he was having a drink at the funeral reception in november...i wasn't raised with a silver spoon in my hand. i love him none- the- less he and daniel proved to be very sweet people who i can comfortably call family.... sleeping sucked both nites. i slept on the futon adjacent to the rent's room. i shouldve stolen one of the bunks in the boy's room. and i kept waking up all nite. woke up at exactly 8am. right on time to get up to go snowboarding. everyone got up and had breakfast together, it was nice. it was already 55 degrees out so we decided to hurry up and get to the mountain as quick as possible. aunt peg gave me a brand new pair of spyder snowpants uncle joe had bought for meghan but were too big. they fit perfect and are really nice. sugarbush is truly fucking huge! i was not lying when i said it before! damn it's big! got up to sugarbush and sean and i went off for 2 hours with an instructor by the name of jon who was super cool and a very good teacher. he gave us a tour of the south side of sugarbush and took us on some really neat trails. worked majorly on my carving skills. andy was waiting for us at the base at noon and we took one more run before taking the access lift across to the other face of the mountain. the view from the access lift was amazing. andy showed us the practice slope meghan skis on and then we went in for some lunch. uncle doug showed up just about the end of lunch and sean and i headed back out for the slopes. we saw the terrain park and headed for that almost immediately. the terrain park was awesome and really big! went down several times and started working on taking the short jumps while watching the boarders on the big jumps for tips. i got a minor sunburn because of all the sunny weather dammit all. we stopped in time for the ceremony to begin. dan and kevin met up with us shortly after we arrived. the ceremony was sweet, and everyone seemed very happy. aunt peg almost started crying again but she did well and gave a nice little speech. they're naming the trail Riemergasse (pronounced ree-mer-gaz) a nice green square trail that ucle joe enjoyed immensly when he skied sugarbush. headed back up once more so that dad could get some shots of sean and i in the terrain park and then headed for the reception. sat with daniel and kevin for awhile talking and then meghan pulled me over to her table and introduced me to a couple of her buddies from her school. i took daniels fleece vest and basically inhibited it the rest of our stay at the condo. poor daniel. sean meghan and i walked back to the condo and meghan and i changed for church. we were late. kevin drove with daniel and i in the car, following andy and mom. the service was good, but not so filling as usual. i didnt particularly like the priest (he made lots of references and opinions that he believed). but then again i dont ever go to church so i cant complain it was bad. dad made dinner for everyone and us children ate in the other room where the tv was. meghan chica friends came back over to eat with us. we watched a horrible movie and then the girls had to leave. i went in and watched tv with andy and several of the other guests that were still there.slowly everyone disappeared off to bed. aunt peg kicked the last of the remaining few out of the living room so i could sleep out on the couch instead of in on the futon again. so i stretched out and listened to kevin on his laptop. he was up until nearly 1am on his laptop and i dozed off a couple times while he was still sitting at the kitchen/bar working. finally he got up and wandered upstairs. he was ver careful to be quiet even though i was awake, and turned all the lights off before he went up. sleeping sucked again. the phone rang or something and i woke up. it rained something fierce. i woke up to hear what i thought was kevin arguing with someone upstairs but the 'argument' was warbled and i was in a befuddled state of conciousness. then the wind picked up, and the power went out. at some point i fell asleep out of exhaustion. i woke up when aunt peg came down. sean woke me out of the daze i was in asking if i wanted to go snowboarding this morning. id heard him mention his legs were sore, mine were too slightly. plus i was so tired i figured id get myself hurt so we decided not to and i finally got up for breakfast. during the nite the wind brought up a big cold front. so it snowed on and off and was very windy. we left just a little while before noon. saying our goodbyes to everyone. gave everybody a hug bye. meghan is off to austria tomorrow for ski training, timmy was never at the condo because he had a flight to rome, daniel is headed back to boston, kevin is headed back to jersey or D.C. im sure which, andy is headed back to conneticutt, and aunt peg back to scarsdale. so now i am home and getting rather tired. the car ride home didnt seem so long but it was more interesting because i could see all of vermont we missed in the darkness coming up. we made good timing even with the strong winds and snow squalls. and now im bored with typing. time for some serious sleep! Current Mood:  exhaustedCurrent Music: misfits misfits misfits misfits misfits misfits misfits..... |
| Thursday, March 7th, 2002 | |
| 9:03 pm | toodles yup, last nite in my bed. oh joy. nite Current Mood: listlessCurrent Music: i WAS listening to music |
| 6:08 pm | of course i could've guessed this  thats just silly |