to sleep perchance to dream's LiveJournal

Subject:	yet another survey...;)
Time:	5:22 am.

1. Do you ever have to beg?hm....no. i'm not sure begging is in me. maybe once, but not anymore.
2. Are you sweaty all the time? no. it's winter.
3. Do you urinate in public swimming pools? ew...no.
4. Do you wear a watch? usually.
5. Have you ever eaten rotten alfalfa sprouts? no. why?
6. Have you ever mistaken salt for sugar? heh. i don't think so.
7. Do you fight over the remote control? hm. usually i just grab it and don't let go. ;)
8. Does your area have good radio stations? NO.
9. Do you judge actual books by their covers? heh. sometimes.
10. Do you donate blood? no but i should.
11. What is your favorite nursery rhyme? don't have one.
12. Can you balance on one leg for very long? no.
13. Name something you would like to experience in your lifetime? i'd like to visit europe.
14. Are you dramatic? hm. i think people think so. not sure.
15. Were you a planned baby, or a nice surprise? my mother claims i was planned but i think she's bullshitting me.
16. Do you like walking on dried leaves? hm. never thought about it.
17. Can you hook your leg behind your neck? no.
18: are u a homebody? yes.
19. Do you long for adventure? i used to, but not anymore.
20. Are you waiting for a donor organ? nope.
21. Are you afraid of anything? yep: spiders, being alone when i'm old, the future, being destitute and skating on the edge of disaster always.
22. Do you climb trees often? nope.
23. Have you ever slept in a cave? nope.
24. Would you rather waterski or snowski? waterski.
25. Have you ever cast a spell on anyone? no.
26. Do you like eating alone in restaurants? no.

27. Have you ever bathed a cat? no.
28. How many national parks have you visited? none, unfortunately.
29. Do you go out in the cold with wet hair? yes.
30. Do you wear mismatched socks? yes.
31. Have you ever thrown something at a window causing the glass to break? no...not that much of a thug! ;)
32. Is it safe to give birth outside of a hospital? yeah...if you have a qualified midwife and there's one nearby just in case.
33. Have you ever killed someone? no...but i've thought about it.
34. Have you recently sucked on anyone's toes? no. ew...toe jam. :P
35. Do you know anyone that is racist? hm. i don't really hang with racist people...but i think my landlord is prejudiced against white people..does that count?
36. Do you think white males have the easiest existence? yes, definitely.
37. Have you ever attended a fashion show? no way.
38. Do you think that your government is corrupt? hell, yeah.
39. Do you like to hear both sides of a story before choosing what to
believe? of course!
40. Do you think men should be forced to fight wars for their countries? i'm against pretty much all war.
41. Do you know which animal species Dian Fossey is credited with saving? some kind of gorilla i do believe...
42. Do you ever throw pennies away? yes.
43. Are you goal oriented? NO. not by a long shot!
44. Do you believe the destruction of the earth's rain forests to be a
significant problem? absolutely!
45. Are you a pyromaniac? nope.
46. Do you have too many love interests right now? i don't have ANY right now. my last love interest died...i'm still getting over that!
47. Can you make a good margarita? never tried.
48. Do you lead a fastpaced life? ha! NO.
49. Have you ever had amnesia? yeah..when i had my seizure.
50. Are you a whiz? nope.

Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	color test...
Time:	5:00 am.

You have always longed for tenderness, love and a sensitivity of feeling into which you would like to blend. You are a very gentle warm person and responsive to "All things bright and beautiful". This personifies a caring person... A person who "needs" and indeed "needs to be needed".

Now there are many things in life that you require as being essential to your well-being ... but try as you may - something always seems to be getting in your way .... a word of advice .... "keep trying" and you may be pleasantly surprised to see just how matters turn out - .

You lack confidence and that is a great pity because deep down you are indeed a warm caring person. This lack of confidence is making you wary to be drawn into any open discussion or conflict and so you feel as if you should let matters lie ... and leave well alone ... but there may be a pleasant surprise in store for you. You are beginning to grow .. and very soon - sooner than you believed possible - this warm loving new you will be available for all to see and to appreciate..

You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you .. that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you - they simply flow off you as water flows of a ducks back... You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact - deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can "Let your hair down" and share your hopes, dreams and high standards... You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself. You would like to demonstrate the unique quality of your character to all and sundry.

Since in the recent past all of your hopes and aspirations gave been denied you, you are now convinced that the future will hold nothing but anxiety... so therefore... "why bother?" You would love to get away from it all, to escape from the trials and tribulations of this mundane existence and fall into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, which will protect you from the lack of appreciation and give you the chance to start afresh..

Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	and yet another survey....
Time:	7:46 pm.
Mood:	tired.
Music:	Wumpscut - Thorns (distant Vocals Version).

what are you thinking right now? hm. not much. i'm pretty tired. this survey looks damned long.

.what do you think of life? hm. life is a double-edged sword, not entirely a benevolent gift. sometimes a liability.

what do you think of racism?racism is evil.

what do you think of religion?i think that religion has caused a lot of trouble in the world. well, to put it more precisely,

..drugs..

what do you think of drugs?hm. they can be fun. but dangerous.
what do you think of legalizing marijuana?yeah, i think they should.
what do you think of alcohol?it's liquid courage! ;)
what do you think of getting drunk?it's fun. but it does make you exponentially stupider.
what do you think of drunk people?annoying...unless i'm one of them.
what do you think of acid? interesting but also not something i'd want to do regularly or anything.
what do you think of heroin? SCARY. seriously...heroin's the only drug that really scares me.
what do you think of LSD? wasn't this covered in the acid section?
what do you think of snorting coke? hm. stupid.

..labels..

what do you think of emo?i have no opinion, i know nothing about it.
what do you think of punk? punk is dead.
what do you think of goth? i like some stuff that would be considered goth.
what to you think of preps? boring.
what do you think of rednecks? i think they're funny!
what do you think of nerds?i like them. i am one.
what do you think of dorks? i like them too. i think i'm one of these too...
what do you think of the drama/theater folks? hm. from what i've seen they can either be pretentious or just totally addicted to the spotlight.
what do you think of the artsy kids? they RULE!!!!!
what do you think of the stoners? um....easy to make fun of! *hangs head in shame*
what do you think of the whiggas? yo motherfucka, wat kinda question is dis??? (sorry....couldn't resist! :P)
what do you think of hippies? um....i think they're sort of archaic, to tell you the truth. but there aren't really that many real hippies left anymore...
what do you think of freaks? i like them. i think i am one...

..sex..

what do you think of sex?hm. it can be fun. but ultimately...i think it's mechanical, messy, complicated, and totally kerflummoxing. i'm not too good at it...i don't care iif other people have sex though...more power to them!
what do you think of boys?hm. some boys are cuuuuuuute....;)
what do you think of girls?hm. some girls are cuuuuuuuute....;)
what do you think of gay men?i LOVE them! (i think i'm serious 'fag-hag' material....;)
what do you think of lesbians?i'm cool with lesbians.
what do you think of cross-dressers?i think that assigning gender to clothing is an artificial construct of society that is ultimately meaningless in the grand cosmic scheme of things. so to make a long story short...hey whatever floats their boat. i wear pants...i'm not gonna deny a man the pleasure of wearing a dress. :)
what do you think of surgically changing your gender?whoa. drastic. extreme. but hey, if you feel like that's what you need to do...go for it. not for me but i don't care if other people do it.
what do you think of men growing breast?heh. wierd...but hey...if that's what he wants to do....
what do you think of masturbation?a good way to kill time.

..people..

what do you think of people who cry a lot?hm. i think that they're emotionally out of control. i get kind of embarrassed when people cry around me.
-what if it's your girlfriend/boyfriend?i feel really bad for them and try to comfort them. i'd hold them and pat their head and let them cry on my shoulder and tell them that everything is going to be okay.
what do you think of boyfriend/girlfriend?i'd like to have one, except i don't think i can handle the whole sex thing. not right now, anyway. and i don't when i will be able to handle it...
what do you think of couples?cutesy...disgusting...:P
what do you think of people who dress in stripper-like clothes in public?i really don't care.
what do you think of people who dye their hair?nothing..i dye my hair. just did last night, actually.
what do you think of people with mohawks?nothing, really.
-what if it's a girl?why should that make a difference????
what do you think of people who smoke cigs?stupid. they're killing themselves slowly and if i'm around them i have to breathe in their yucky smoke too. feh.
what do you think of people who are in jail?depends on what they're in for...
what do you think of rapists?i think they're pathetic and fucked up. I HATE THEM.
what do you think of reporters?can't say, really..
what do you think of famous people?i don't take them seriously. i don't think they're real.
what do you think of fat people?i feel bad for them. i'm scared of getting fat.
what do you think of skinney people?i envy them...i wish i was skinnier.
what do you think of short people?nothing.
what do you think of tall people?they're good to have around when i need to get something that's up high...

..ending..

what did you think of this survey?*shrug*
what are you thinking now?my mind is blank....

Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	ramblings and wierdness...
Time:	8:25 pm.
Mood:	frustrated.
Music:	Magentic Fields - Take Ecstasy With Me.

the commissar is one damned silly man. he apparently was convinced when i first moved into this apartment that i was a dangerous anarchist. i'm not even entirely sure i've succeeded in disabusing him of this notion. and he agrees with aimee that i'm a proletariat snob. he called me an elitist. feh. like he ISN'T an elitist???? give me a break! although i think he was trying to goad me into communism by calling me elitist. or something. i dunno. heheheheh..not happening anytime soon...i can tellya that much.

i think i'm going to try to get up the nerve to take up painting again. it's just so hard to see how much i really do suck at it. but i do love the look of watercolors. besides....i think i need new material for my graphic stuff. you can only recycle so much.

i FINALLY got my check in the mail from unemployment. which is good...since it let me pay my rent and finally get the commissar off my back about the money i owed him for utilities. that is a GOOD thing. ever have a neurotic, high strung pansy-ass Marxist landlord bug you for money????? when you've already told him you're broke??? not fun, i can assure you. makes me go,"FEH!!!!!".

so i'll finally have some damned money coming in. it's about freakin' time.

there's so many things i hafta do that i've been putting off. like my C homework. and doing my taxes. and applying for more jobs. and working on scholarship applications. feeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhh.

i'll get it done. really, i will. :P

i wonder why i even update this thing anymore. i'm not sure anyone really reads it. except ace. well..and malinda too. well i guess there's a couple of other people that may look too..but i dunno. eh. maybe my writing style is slipping. i dunno. feh.

but i guess i have more important things to worry about. like those damn taxes. and scholarships. oh yeah, and job hunting. i had an interview but i don't want the job. it was wierd, i don't think the lady who interviewed me particularly wanted me in the job either. she kept saying these bad things about: how stressful it was and stuff. and she asked me that dreaded question, "tell me about yourself". WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER TO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

next time i'll just tell them i'm a stripper. just to see the look on their face. :P oh and that i like scat. and that my third nipple is itching me. asking that question should be a federal crime. FEH.

apparently, according to my friend margot, 'feh' is a jewish expletive. cool. oy. :) we jews ARE the chosen people...chosen to suffer! ;)

sometimes i think i must be the loneliest person in the world. because i'm never sure anyone quite understands me. i think other people think i'm complicated but i actually think i'm fairly simple. i mean..i just want to be loved. but i somehow don't think that a lot of times what i really mean ever gets out right. like i say the words but people don't hear what i'm trying to say. sometimes i almost feel invisible, like even when i'm with friends they don't see me for what i truly am.

sometimes i feel like i'm sleepwalking through my whole life. partly because i'm really, truly physically tired most of the time. (right now being no exception, by the way.) and partly because things just so often feel unreal to me. especially when i'm surrounded by people and nobody's talking to me. and i'm just watching them. it starts to feel very surreal after a while. i never feel that way alone.

i wish i had someone to listen to me. i feel like i have so much to say and nobody to say it to. or even if somebody's claiming to be listening...they don't respond the way i want them to. does that make sense? i feel like so much of the time like i'm talking to the wall. or to thin air.

funny the questions nobody asks me. like what the hell is it with me and supernovae. and what the hell mcsquare means. or why i like the magnetic fields so damned much. or just what the hell is it with me and astronomy anyway.

sometimes i think people are a little too confident that they have me all figured out. like the commissar. but he's only the most extreme of examples. i think everyone who knows me is guilty of this to some degree. it's like after a while they all stop trying to get to know me.

damned. i really don't mean to sound so pissy. i just wonder if i'm interesting to anyone anymore. :(

Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	it feels like so long..yet it's only been a day...
Time:	7:35 pm.
Mood:	groggy.
Music:	Natalie Merchant - My Skin.

wow. whatta day. where do i even begin?

yesterday my internet connection decided to up and die. feh. i actually had to *gasp* call tech support. amazingly, tech support was actually quite helpful. hence this entry.

and i'm trying lochjournal. it's another lj client. :) let's see how it works out. like let's see if it doesn't melt down my computer or something when i try to update. one can always hope.

apparently my webpages don't really work in the older versions of netscrape. feh. and it's not exactly my fault, i have the latest version of netscrape and that works fine. so i only found out today because i had to *moans in horror* use the school computers to log on the internet and lo and behold, my pages don't work.

feh. feh. a thousand times...feh.

i'll deal with it tomorrow.

i still haven't gotten my unemployment check. the wheels of beaurocracy are just not turning my way. i'm beginning to feel like a character in a kafka novel. i just hope that if anyone finds that i've turned into a bug tomorrow..that they do the right and compassionate thing. ;P

oh and i got my first homework back from my C class today and it was pretty good for the most part. i'm very pleased. for those not in the know, that's my 'hard' class. it actually is reasonably brain-twisting.

so tomorrow i hafta make it clear to my boss that there's no way i'm setting foot in a room with asbestos in it. and hope she doesn't just fire me. i'm really looking forward to this like a hole in the head. confrontation is really not my thing.

ok. that's all fer now. after all..it's not like i have a LIFE or anything....

addendum: the lochjournal client sucks. it's really too bad because it looks really nifty...it seems like it has a lot more options and stuff...but it doesn't want to actually post! feh! so needless to say...there's still some bugs they hafta work out. or something.

Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	it feels like so long..yet it's only been a day...
Time:	7:34 pm.
Mood:	groggy.
Music:	Natalie Merchant - My Skin.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	9:05 am.
Mood:	pensive.
Music:	The Magnetic Fields - Kiss Me Like You Mean It.

i have stayed up all night again. when will i stop being so foolish? i know it's bad for me, yet i did it anyway. and i know i'll have to pay the price.

it's so strange how my emotions keep going up and down. i can't just have a normal mellow day it seems, anymore. i'm either depressed or i'm happy, happy enough to think things are back to normal. but i always come crashing down. it's like being happy wears me out, or something. i don't know anymore.

i've been thinking about my family tonight and wondering if i'm some kind of horrible person for not staying in touch with them. but you see, i really do think my family is a big reason for the way i am, so insecure and lacking in confidence and anxious and all. i really do. i know it's not cool to blame your folks, but i see it as giving credit where credit's due. so to speak. and i really do feel like i'm better away from them than with them. and i think when i interact with them i turn into a scared little girl again. not fun. so there you have it. i truly believe that getting away from them was one of the best things i've ever done. it's one of the few things i really don't regret. i feel like away from them i can finally find my voice, myself. does anyone know what it's like to be so overwhelmed by the force of somebody else's personality that you just disappear? that's how it is with me, always has been. and it's always seemed like that people outside my family have been so much nicer to me that the people i share DNA with.

and yet i still wonder if i'm a terrible person somehow. or if i'm just plain wrong. i really think it's a measure of how deep my lack of confidence goes. maybe because i wasn't 'abused'. see, that was the reason way back for asking that question...to see if i had an 'excuse'. hm.....

jina doesn't understand how it is for me and i don't know how to explain it to him. and his last letter made me feel so guilty, like i was totally preventing him from expressing himself. i don't think it's so much that i can't handle another person's view, but it's more the way they express it. he's always so fatherly and didactic...well he really is in a lot of ways like the father i never had. like he said once, he helps me out of scrapes. ;)

ok. on a final note, i want to mention that i'm really getting into the magnetic fields. :)

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	oy vey....
Time:	1:56 pm.

Which John Cusack Are You?

hmmmmm....well now that that's outta the way...

ahem. still foggy. the commissar is upstairs hogging the kitchen, which is highly inconvenient because i really need to eat something other than crispy chocolate and honey comb cereal. at my temp job i'm supposed to take the trash out to this room with asbestos in it. i'm serious. i'm not going to but i have yet to bring this up with my boss. so far i've just been leaving the trash bags outside the door and nobody's said anything yet. i don't believe this. when you think, 'cashiering job', you don't exactly think 'toxic chemicals', do you? FEH! blech. just one more worry to add on top my pile of worries.

well i'm all done with my homework for my web class but not my programming class. i've been putting that off, i must admit. i'm afraid of it, i'll confess. see, it's new to me and i have a horrible, paralyzing fear of failure. i'm going to try and work on it today or something. heck it's just three problems.

oh and my computer has been acting awfully temperamental lately. i think in light of its recent antics i'm going to change its name from Deep Thought to the Hal 9000. today the CDRW drive decided it didn't want to open. i finally got the thing to open from the CD format software. let's just hope it doesn't start singing the Daisy song at me.

speaking of hearing wierd things, last night i heard for the longest time this low pounding sound, as if the neighbors had the bass on their stereo turned up real loud or something. i went upstairs to pee and didn't hear it anymore. so perhaps i'm slowly going insane. well, i've always thought i'd make a great lunatic.

so to attract guys, supposedly i have to be 'overt'? what does that mean? flash people? wear revealing clothing? what? oy vey. you mean guys won't be attracted to me by my intrinsic qualities? i have to throw myself at them? but i don't even want them, i just want them to want me. so that i can be assured that i'm perfectly normal like everyone else that there's nothing wrong with me. jeez. social stuff is way beyond me. i just don't get it. feh.

Take the Which Radiohead Album are you? Quiz.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	okay. nuff's nuff.
Time:	4:37 pm.
Mood:	sleepy.
Music:	magnetic fields- i'm sorry i love you.

i pulled an allnighter the other night and i think i'm still feeling the effects. last night i actually got something resembling a full night's sleep and i'm still feeling the effects of sleep deprivation. i'm all groggy and foggy in the head. but i did get some stuff done today...returned a bunch o' phone calls, etc.

my check from unemployment is NEVER going to freakin' come now. they have the mistaken idea that i was fired (i wasn't, i was laid off. BIG difference!) and they need something faxed from my former boss telling them i wasn't. well i called my former boss and he says he has to go through the corporate office. which i figure will take about a hundred years. damn 'proper channels'! i told him that all the unemployment office needs is something signed by him faxed...but he sez he still has to call the corporate gods to get clearance. or something. feh. i should call him and find out what happened with that. i mean...i don't even have money for chocolate. and i NEED chocolate. and the commissar is bugging me for utility bill money, money i just don't have. i would have it..if unemployment ever mailed me my fucking CHECK but we know that's not going to happen anytime soon..right? feh. fuck 'em all. stupid beaurocrats. can't think their way outta a paper bag...even with instructions.

speaking of people who can't think their way out of a paper bag: the commissar. i think i'm going to move the first of june. i've had enough. i'm too broke to move till then, plus i really don't want to move in the winter. plus june is when all the students move out, so a lot of apts should be available then. so it makes sense to move then. because i think if i live anymore with the commie control freak i'm going to go even more insane than i already am. and i'm already dangerously crazy as it is.

i really could use my own printer. i have to use the commissar's, since i don't have my own and of course his doesn't work right. talk about idiocy: he owns both a laptop and a desktop because get this: he's afraid of somebody 'hacking in and crashing my machine and making me lose my files'. right. i guess he's never heard of floppy disks. i mentioned that to him and he says, 'oh i don't know anything about that'. i swear...it should be a federal crime to be so stupid. or at least people that idiotic should never be allowed to buy computers. he's a mockery of advanced civilization.

so okay. i'll call the old boss and then i'll take a nap. and then when i wake up i'll bug my other roommate to borrow her printer. feh. feh. feh. i can bearly feel my brain working. I NEED CHOCOLATE, DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but it's snowing too hard to go out to get chocoate. FEHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! oh, did i mention we're having a collossal snowstorm right now? must hav forgotten to mention that. feh.

Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.