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Friday, June 22nd, 2001
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9:09 pm
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Final episode of Freakylinks...see, now they should mention my website on this episode, it would fit so perfectly. Ah well. I'm working on a new website now anyway.
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4:53 am - woooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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Again, I'm at a loss for words. lol
"...and there's no mountain to high, no river to wide...sing out this song and i'll be there by your side, storm clouds may gather and storms may collide..."
current music: Nicole Kidman, John Leguizamo, Alka Yagnik - Hindi Sad Diamonds
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| Thursday, June 14th, 2001
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2:34 pm
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I'm tired of feeling excluded.
I'm tired of being ignored.
I'm tired of being left feeling unwanted.
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| Monday, June 11th, 2001
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6:18 pm - woo, the nc nightlife
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lololol ahhhhhhhhahahahahahaha
wooooooooooooooo...yep, that's where I live. Look at that, NO culture, NO nightlife. DEAD LAST in the country. BAM! Now I can't delude myself that it's just me and w-s is really a happening place...but having been to the #1 place, I wasn't doing a good job of that anyway. I'm going to save this website and keep a note of this stuff for when I find an apartment. I'll move to a better city.
See? So there's why I've never dated, finally, researchers did a statistical analysis based on my interpersonal shortcomings. And look at the picture of the guy on the bike. lol Yep, that's what w-s looks like. That guy bikes around the city every morning posing for photos to go in online magazines. So you can all feel the love and see my misery now. The bottom of the cultural barrel, it's so difficult to discuss...well, stuff. If it's not landscape art, they don't like it.
Ah well...I'm going to read.
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5:33 pm - Amusement
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My Heinz Ketchup (copyright symbol) bottle says, "Heinz: Not Green."
current music: Moulin Rouge - Elephant Love Medley
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5:28 pm - Mmmm...food for thought.
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Love is a many splendid thing.
Love lifts us up where we belong.
All you need is Love.
*sigh*
So, yeah...been kinda lethargic lately. Worried about that because I need to go out and find a job...and scrape for some other sign of livelihood. Maybe I should swear off emotion for awhile. I'll be that strong, silent type that nobody will remember a year from now or care to talk to in the first place. Yeah, I'm good at that.
I feel quite dizzy right now...like I need to lay down. So, I think I may do that. Good tidings everyone.
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| Thursday, June 7th, 2001
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1:00 pm - Argh.
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Okay, so yesterday wasn't fabulous. I knew it was going to happen, too. I have a really good day, I need a bad one to balance it out. I don't really want to talk about it. Hopefully today will be a good day. Getting a new tire for my car. It decided to be flat Monday. I want a job. Dang. I've been on summer break for a month now. Well, May 7th I had my last exams.
I've lost friends while I was away. I'm going to go be depressed now. That hurt.
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| Wednesday, June 6th, 2001
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9:51 am - Morning Thoughts
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Wow cool.
Yesterday was so good, I guess I couldn't bring myself to sleep...cause I so have not been to sleep yet. I didn't sleep Sunday, I got 5 hours of sleep Monday, I took a 4 hour nap Tuesday afternoon, and no sleep Tuesday night. That's pretty nifty.
This is probably where I should start discussing ideas on life and such...hmm, let's see if I've got something for ya this morning. Ah, suppose I could answer the question I ended the last journal entry with concerning the Garden of Eden. The answer comes from the idea of the Divine Plan. What's living an entire life perfectly amount to in a world that's already perfect? No personal growth comes from that...that's a phrase I've been saying a lot, "personal growth." Zen Buddhists experience something called kensho. They experience a number of kensho actually. A kensho is a small, sudden burst of enlightenment. It's not permanent, but it's a step in that direction. It's getting a glimpse of the enlightened state. It really is tough to describe, they're right when they say it transcends words...but well worth the effort. I suppose moments of personal growth are like mini-kensho. But I'm rambling.
Anyway, Divine Plan, perfect world...okay, so God knew that Adam and Eve would succomb to temptation and sin would spread out through the world. Why'd He put the tree there? Because He believes in us as much as we believe in Him. It's the Divine Plan, He knows that in the end we'll make the right decisions, and because we choose to make them, not because that's the only possible way to live there was at the time. Why is there sin in the world? Why is there evil in the world? Why are so many corrupt? Well, there's one reason. A more practical example, say the world was perfect. What would be the point in going to Heaven when we died? What would be the point in dying? We're already in a perfect place, why move on? There have to be imperfections and deaths so that more beloved children can inhabit the planet and Love can grow. Much food for thought.
A friend of mine said something awhile back that came off as really funny and really true. We were walking through the new age section of a bookstore looking for books on eastern mysticism and he saw a bunch of "Children of the Light" and "Psychic Empowerment" books and said, "Man, those books are for bored housewives." It's so true. The people that read those, look at them, they feel little control in their lives and they turn to these things as power sources. "Power." Bah. Anyone who uses the word power in an endeavour like that anyway should not be allowed to even read those books.
Wicca is the same thing, too. I don't know where people get the idea it's an ancient religion. Word of mouth and self-delusion into "power" through "ancient" secrets probably. It was created in the first half of the 1900's by Edgar Cayce. He says so himself in some of his works. People that say they're wiccan, though, almost always don't know jack about it. They say it for the attention they get. It's a sort of dominatrix appeal...ohhhh, you're wiccan, you scary lady...as the general population would say. When people tell me their wiccan, though, I discuss the religion with them and see just how little they know about it, then sit back and laugh at how winky the religion is anyway. It's like an americanized version of paganism, with a few slight modifcations. It focuses more on power and control than paganism. Paganism is an ancient religion, and as such, there are many things to learn from it. For example, the absurd "ghost hunters" could learn a great deal if they opened their minds a little. Ancient pagan texts describe exactly the "orbs" and such that ghost hunters claim to capture on film as ghosts. The texts describe orbs as elemental spirits. Eastern mysticism, primarily yogic philosophy, discusses and practices astral projection. Astral projection identifies several planes that overlap our own. Seven of them, I think. There's the physical, the aetheric, the lower astral and astral, then the others I don't remember. It's tough to describe them anyway. At those higher levels, shape has no meaning. But anyway, the elementals are said to exist on the aetheric plane of existance. But then it gets weird. There's supposedly a lord over each element: earth, wind, fire, water. And each element has it's corresponding elementals. Earth elementals are gnomes, wind are sylphs, sprites, and the like, fire are salamanders, and water are undines. We see mainly what's in the physical plane because we use our eyes for vision, and our eyes are a physical manifestation. There are various ways, however, to open the mind to the more abstract planes. But the more you can interact with them, the more they can interact with you. Most of the new age types get themselves in a lot of trouble because they don't read everything, just the instructions on how to do it. And yeah, sadly enough, there are books that are less than an inch thick that try to describe how to do it, when yogis spend a number of years gathering the self-control and discipline to elevate their awareness to those levels. Dang, I've so gotten off-track...where was I?
Ah, Divine Plan. If there's a Divine Plan, and I believe there is, then what does that say of Fate, Destiny, and Predestination? Big question. Here's my opinion thus far...okay, there's a Divine Plan. The Plan probably says, this is when you're born, this is who you marry, this is how many children you have, this is when you die...physically. So, physical Fate? Maybe. Destiny? Perhaps. Predestination? No. Not in my opinion. Why? Free Will. I don't think that God would want a bunch of puppets running around, there'd be no point in living in the first place and no the reasoning I've come up with for the Tree disappears. So, I think there's Free Will and God gives us "Tests of Faith" here and there to guide us down a general course that will result in the conclusion He wants us achieve. He offers these challenges because He knows which decisions we'll make. We have Free Will, but He knows what our will would be in that instance. So what of people that...aren't good people? In my experience, I don't know that I can say I've ever come across a truly evil person. I've come across people that have been shaped by their environment, but way down deep, there's a good inner child. So, what of the not-good people? Well, I think the ghostly period some people go through is Purgitory. Some people don't have the closure they need, and so they hang around and sort things out for themselves. You can't very well walk around Heaven and see a bunch of people being p*ssed. That offers another idea, is there a hell? I don't know. Don't know what to think about that yet. I do believe in Heaven, though. And I'm all but 100% certain on Purgitory. Okay, so...Fate, Divine Plan...if they exist, why don't all people come to immediate happy resolutions? Maybe that's just a reward for trying to be a good person. Don't know. There is a saying someone once recited to me, "The devil's greatest trick is convincing people he doesn't exist." I don't know what I think about aliens anymore, either. Reportings and such on them have decreased a great deal haven't they? I wonder why I'm still majoring in something I don't believe in, physics? Physics laws are broken all the time, and the biggest explanation scientists offer is holding their ears chanting, "Nah-nah, can't hear you!"
Anyway, Fate, Divine Plan...I don't know. I believe in Free Will, otherwise life is pointless. So how does Fate work? Fate conforms to the Divine Plan. So how's the Divine Plan work? It says very general things and offers tests of Faith here and there. Okay, say Fate is the physical end part of the Divine Plan. It just says, this person is going to do these things when offered these tests. No matter what their Fate, though, God will forgive anything, so everyone will have their chance to ascend to Heaven.
Wow, it's approaching 10am...I'm going to have to get ready soon. I'm still thinking on all of this stuff. Big, fun questions, and the only right answer is the one I find and believe in wholeheartedly...for me, anyway. So, do I major in math and physics, or philosophy and religion?
current mood:  content
current music: Prince - When Doves Cry
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| Wednesday, May 23rd, 2001
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4:18 am - huh?
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Well, I opened livejournal again. Don't know why. I'd actually forgotten all about it. My memory can be pretty bad like that. Ya know what I think I'm gonna do...I think I'm going to stay up all night and get some breakfast stuff, then go to bed. Oy, so I'll be absolutely sure I oversleep...again. I didn't do as well as I'd hoped this semester, but I did okay, I suppose. I'm just glad that mess is over. I knew from the beginning of the semester it'd end as it did. One of those times when I say, "I just know these things."
I'm starting to debate my choice of majors. Math and physics are easy, come naturally, fun, all that stuff...but I don't know, I think I'm going to experiment next semester and take 5 or 6 classes from all sorts of areas. Maybe 1 math class, a religion class, a philosophy, a foreign language, a phys ed, a music class maybe, and something else...an art history course perhaps. or physics. or psychology. or history. or any of my other numerous interests.
balance. that's what i need. and not academic balance. but in life. the ancient greek motto, "Nothing in excess." that also translates into a yin-yang duality. both sides being equal in proportion. if life began in africa, i don't know how it is that eastern traditions are so much more accurate and impressive than western traditions. save for religion. my religious beliefs remain unfettered.
love. love?
what do i make of love...love is a reward i hope one day i deserve. that would be cool. other people caring and such. i'm wondering what the fear of being alone is, though? where does that come from? buddha went off on his own to attain enlightenment, mathematicians and scientists lock themselves in isolation for years at a time before making a "great" discovery, there's even the popular phrase "silence is golden," so why is it hated so much by so many? i've lived most of my life alone. one learns not only to talk to oneself, but to hold entire conversations in one's head or sometimes aloud. i don't think there's shame in that, though. r. w. emerson blessed such things. and as far as western "thought" goes, he's probably one of the best. and the beatles. hehe.
note i put "great" and "thought" in quotations. most "great" discoveries are used to build bigger and better weapons so that one may clutch at the throat of another country. and "thought", thought usually results in new ideas. westerners see the brain as limitless and so think they have all the answers, and think in terms of things they know. easterners think of the brain as a container, confining the mind and not allowing it to hold the greater knowledge, so easterners look for new ways of thinking itself and westerners look for new ideas from they way they know how to think.
things like this make me want to be a philosophy major. but reading dreadfully long texts that can be just as effectively summarised in a few sentences, that's not my idea of a good time. especially when some of the material contained within is erroneous.
maybe i'll just stay in school forever and come out with a bazillion doctoral degrees. then i'll win ben stein's money. all your ben stein's money are belong to me. see, now had i not dropped british lit 2, i could turn this in as a journal entry. but, technically, i was supposed to reflect on the writing we were studying. but we reflect on it for an hour and a half in class already. so, there wasn't much benefit in that. if it were a large class and not everyone's ideas could be brought in, then sure, that'd be cool. but i dunno. wonderful teacher, though, and friend.
So, i could go on about my personal life, but i'd rather not do that, it'd be too revealing. instead, i'll leave you with a question i asked in one of my early british lit 2 classes...the Garden of Eden...why was the tree with the forbidden fruit there in the first place?
current mood: complacent
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| Wednesday, May 16th, 2001
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1:55 pm
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I need to heal myself. I need to not be so conscious of some things...I need to modify the look of this journal. I need to open up and stop denying who I am. That is my strongest need. I need focus...and balance. And pushing on little keys on a plastic board isn't going to get me those things. So, I take my leave.
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| Friday, March 23rd, 2001
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5:25 pm
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awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
wwwwwwwwwwwwww
i just got the nicest message in the world. *hugs toitles*
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| Tuesday, March 20th, 2001
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2:42 pm - Then again...
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Then again, I'm feeling really groovy right now. Got a rush of those emotions from my March 1st post. I'm gonna lay back for awhile and keep being groovy now =)
current mood: mas groovy
current music: Moby & Gwen Stefani - South Side
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8:35 am - Some days, it really doesn't pay to get out of bed.
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I don't know, I just feel like...argh. I don't know. I feel like I'm not a good friend. Like I've let someone down. I don't think I have, but if I did, I hope they'll forgive me and we can talk again. We had nice conversations about nothing in particular...I don't deserve friends, I'm a lousy person. Feelings like that are just all over the place today. I'm a deal over-sensitive about everything...which one, makes every little thing someone does or says to me or for me feel like magic, but also makes me an easy target and small things can cause great pain. I'm gonna go now. I have to get ready for class. It's cold, rainy, and windy outside. How fitting.
Why is it whenever I read about a famous person of past that I have a deal in common with, that person ends up having a tragic death by the end of the biography? I hope it doesn't say anything about the way my physical life will end.
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| Thursday, March 15th, 2001
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6:31 am - early birds
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Woooooo...yeah I'm up early. I don't quite like it myself. Sure, it's cool and all, and feels good in a weird sort of way, but dang, I'm going to be so tired by midday. I've been up since 1am, then I studied physics for about 3 hours, then I sat online and read articles from newsgroups and such for awhile. Now I'm sitting here fairly tired wondering how I'm going to make it through the day. My first class is in 3 hours, maybe I can start some laundry going in half an hour, lay down for an hour, shower, shave all that jazz, get laundry, change clothes and stuff, go to class...gonna need some sort of caffeine, I'm sure. Hour and a half of history, need to see about making up a test I missed, too...hopefully all will be well with that, there's my biggest stressor right now, actually being able to make up the test. Though, even if I can't, and he doesn't decide to drop me from the course because of it, I can make it up on the other tests...I currently have a 93 in that class, I think. Then there's calculus, I've probably got a low C in there, but I can bring that up, too, with some dedication. Then there's physics, woo, don't know what I'm going to do about that. I missed a presentation that I haven't been able to make up, so I guess he's just not going to let me do that...need to turn in an assignment that was due a week ago...I forgot all about it. But, I otherwise understand everything and it's relatively simple. Just all the waste-of-time assignments he gives that end up costing me points. Anyway, I'm gonna lay down for half an hour and get started doing stuff.
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| Wednesday, March 14th, 2001
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12:19 pm - resolution?
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She kicked me out of her life because she loved someone else, too. God Bless them both...I wish it could be me in a relationship with her, but the other guy I'm sure deserves as much happiness. I feel weird today...something's changed or is changing...I hope it's for the better.
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8:08 am - awakening
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I really don't think she cares for me at all anymore. Maybe I'm wrong...no, I don't think so, though. The very day, even before I left, she stopped caring about me. I'm having a moment.
What we had didn't mean as much to her...she already had that with someone else, so letting go would be fairly easy. There was always that other guy to fall back on...and because I stopped it before it got too far, she probably doesn't regret to a great extent what she almost did...it was love, and for a time she loved me, but...I don't know. Is it possible I'll meet someone who I can love more than her?
...so, if this is a good thing, why are there tears in my eyes?
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| Monday, March 12th, 2001
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12:26 pm - physics rant
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Ya know, there's one thing that really irks me about physics class. The teacher's great and all, but, for example, we spent an entire week of class watching the movie "Contact." This highly annoyed me. We've a great deal to cover and we're running about two weeks behind, so instead he's been saying, oh, I don't want to cover this or that. So I've been having to study that on my own so we can watch movies and write essays on the most basic and mundane of things. "Choose a character and address the problems that arise for the character in the movie." I swear that's not a Lit. assignment in disguise. All that's really saying is choose a dynamic character and describe the ways in which he or she is dynamic. Bah, I chose my own topic, though. I wrote about all that, but I tied it to a more subtle theme within the movie. He claims to be a physics enthusiast, and instead of showing us the derivations of the formulas and going over the material, he gives us outside reading assignments and problems and worksheets to work, and they're due before he even begins addressing the chapters. But it's fine. Whatever. I'm a physics major, so I'm going to need all this stuff he's saying, "Oh, I don't like this, so I won't teach it" about. Fortunately, this course is just a retake. Which also means I've got two college texts on the subject now. So I read them both...because I have no shame. My friends think I'm a masochist, for reasons like that among other things. Maybe they're right. Group work. There's something else that bugs me. I always end up working with the most inept person in the class to balance things out, so instead of the teacher trying to help, I have to stop doing my work and explain for half an hour why it's considered poor form to drool on yourself in public. We had a mini math competition in calc class on Friday. It was set up in a Jeopardy fashion, I suppose. Two teams, 5 categories, point values in intervals of 100. We'd choose a category and value, and he'd write an integral for us to solve. I swear, 4 people were on my team, 2 of them wouldn't even try to think for themselves, they kept saying, does quiet guy have the answer? And of course by the time they could utter the first word, I was walking up to the board to write the correct answer. They're math majors, too. If they were majoring in a liberal arts, then that's one thing, I'd understand that. That's like how I don't like lit. courses. But these people are going to be doing this for a living? Noooooooooo, that's not cool. And, of course, in the morning before class, they all gather together and almost braggingly discuss how they haven't studied and don't do the homework or anything. Do they realize they're paying for the course? They could be at some random job at least making money, but instead they decide to sit in a chair and learn nothing for a number of hours out of the day. Speaking of which, I've got a physics lab to leave for in half an hour. 3 hours of listening to people giggle and say "I don't understand this" while the teacher gives out more homework and makes us do some third-grade experiment. Our last lab was making waves by shaking a spring, counting the waves, and plugging them in formulas he'd already given us. Gotta love stuff that requires no thought, that, apparently, is what community college is all about. *sigh* Anyway, my plans for the day include going to this winky waste-of-time lab, then going to the grocery and picking up something to eat tonight. Anyone want me to make them something special? Parents went off to I-don't-know-where and won't be back until 10pm or so. I have no idea how they're being allowed so many days out of work. But whatever, they're both responsible people, they know what they're doing. I hope my sister's okay, I can tell she's depressed. Best explanation for it is "I know these things." I had a resounding feeling last night, fairly strong, like an emotional boulder was lifted. Maybe I've closed myself off or maybe some scars are starting to fade. I need to get ready for class. Sorry I didn't break this up into paragraphs, don't really have the time to read back through it right now and I don't know, I just didn't, sorry.
current mood: huh?
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| Thursday, March 8th, 2001
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7:27 pm - Drop.
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Well, I dropped British Literature 2 today. It's a great class, but it was 8am, too, and we can't have that. And it won't transfer towards my major, either, so it's all groovy. I wanna post more often. Oh, I was nominated to this international honor society for junior college students called phi beta kappa. gotta keep my gpa at 3.75, though, so that's going to be fairly difficult. But ya know what, it's all easy stuff now. But yeah, I've progressively been getting these sighes of relief, thank goodness....then a little bit piles on, then some more leaves....ah well, hopefully everything will work out. I've got a new notebook now, so I can start keeping a dream diary again...most groovy.
All of my pathetic.org poems are gone??? What's this all about? Dang. I'll just have to write some more...no worries. I think I have some of them saved somewhere. Ah well, either way, it'll be fine. I think I'll write the first in the series of dream poems tonight. Probably won't be very long, and I'm still thinking about how I want to do this...there's probably going to be about a dozen poems total on the subject. We'll see. Also, I hear it's Nicole's birthday...if this is the case, I owe someone a present. Okay, so Happy Birthday Nicole!!!! How old are you nowadays anyway? And some healing vibes Susan's way. You're both such wonderful people. It's an honour to call you friends.
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| Thursday, March 1st, 2001
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12:02 am - Update, Update, Update
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Heart's beating a little faster, temperature's a bit higher, I feel kinda light...influenza? Maybe. ...Love? I think so...seems someone planted the seed of a love tree in my mind's garden and it's beginning to break through the ground. I hope this tree doesn't get struck by lightning like the last one. I'll do myself the favor of not getting my hopes up. But, aha, I'll enjoy the feeling while it lasts, being certain that with my luck, it'll probably end up for worse. I had a striking thought today that I wanted to start writing down random words of choice and phrases like I did when I wrote poetry with the intent of using them in poems. Maybe that doesn't sound so special, but it shows that I wanted to write a poem without having to consciously say, huh, I want to write a poem. You can bet that I'm over-reacting, too, emotion tends to work that way. Ah well...I have to write that paper on Frankenstein. Nite.
current mood: enthralled
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| Sunday, February 18th, 2001
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1:37 am - Why can't people be direct?
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Is there shame in being direct? I should know this, and if the intentions are honorable to begin with, then I don't think there's any shame at all in being direct. If the intentions are scandalous, then the proportionality of shame to directness should be equal to the ratio of face slaps to groin kicks. Being direct where there's no shame involved would save so much heartache. "Would you like to go out?" ... "I'm allergic" or "I don't think of you in that way" really just bug me. Because I ask what it is in hopes of changing that so I don't run into the same problem again, and they won't tell me. I found out the hard way that reason a lot of people won't date me is because I don't put out. So there you have it. Just as many women as men are driven by their crotch. I've met them all and been rejected by even more of them. I've actually considered a number of times changing my major to theology and becoming a priest or monk. The life of solitude is nothing new, and I wouldn't have to pay taxes because I'd probably be in Europe or Asia in a monastery. Even the vow of silence wouldn't be of much difference. The only people I really talk to are online, and all I do is type for that. I could certainly catch up on my reading. I wouldn't have to worry about being used and tossed aside anymore. I wouldn't have to worry about falling in love with the woman of my dreams only to have her tell me she doesn't want to see me anymore because i wouldn't sleep with her. I accepted the possibility of dying alone a few years ago, why does this still bother me? One person has let me care about them, promised their undying love, then I wouldn't sleep with her because she was dating someone and it was against my beliefs, and bam, the next day she never wants to see me again. Bah. Until I can write a poem made of pure tears, I'll never be able to express how much that hurt. I don't feel like being awake anymore.
current mood: angry and depressed.
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