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LiveJournal for The King of Fools.
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| Wednesday, March 20th, 2002 |
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Hm, Band practice was fun. It was very nice to hang out with the brodels and we made some progress. We recorded the new song, and we had a rockin' version of US of AA recorded, but we lost it when we were adding vocals. Bad slip, oh well... next practice we'll get that stuff down better. Heh, I love the rockabilly touch to that song. I definitely like the way we've added small things to that song to improve the overall sound (in my opinion). It was nice to make some instrumental progress though. We'll have to see what's up with the vocals... Blah, this just in. The bass drum didn't record very well on the new song, and the toms didn't record well on US of AA. Hm, not bad though... I saw improvement. That was a big turn around from the last practice when Bill and Kriz were there. The instrumentals are getting tighter and I'm just happy we have one of our own songs that's getting there. Damn, I basically avoided everything today. It was nice, hollllly fuck. Hardly no worries. I enjoyed not coming home and thinking "Damn, I wonder what is gonna go down tonight. Will things be consistent?". Nice break, damn. Spring break is coming soon, too. Whoa, I am tired. Lot's of rambling, eh? |
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| 3 rings of fire burn burn burn | ||||
| Tuesday, March 19th, 2002 |
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Well, the talk isn't done, but progress was definitely made. I can't really ask for much more or be disappointed because you can't have everything fixed in one night. It's nice to see things are somewhat realistic now. This was definitely a big step and I am satisfied with the outcome so far. This was a big relief. Only one remaining question, Where are things gonna go from here? Luckily, I have a cliche answer... we soon shall see. Heh, it's kind of nice to feel content about a situation, even if the outcome might not be entirely what I want. I am satisfied with the way we handled things. Thanks for finally talking to me tonight noL, that meant a lot... we'll see what happens from here, eh? |
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| 5 rings of fire burn burn burn | ||||||
| Monday, March 18th, 2002 |
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NoaPhecks: NoaPhecks: you like nascar? XxX: somewhat, yes NoaPhecks: oh NoaPhecks: what about it draws you in? XxX: speeding cars. NoaPhecks: ummm, really? NoaPhecks: riddled with corporate logos? NoaPhecks: i like the crashes NoaPhecks: it's like the fall of a company, i allways wondered if their stock went down when that happens NoaPhecks: it's like "yeah the cheerios car bit it!!! FUCK YOU GENERAL MILLS!!!!!" NoaPhecks: see how that can be exciting? I don't know what it is about him, but when James gets going on something it usually turns out to be funnier than fuck. I don't know. That just really made me laugh a lot. I should probably go find some of his replies on Bill's journal for more... |
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| 1 ring of fire burn burn burn | ||||
| Sunday, March 17th, 2002 |
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Fell4ThePromise: dude ill find a girl that loes mike ness and wants to be a wwf all star Fell4ThePromise: and um.....this time....lets try not to pick any girls out of colorado Fell4ThePromise: dude you could go on a date with billy Fell4ThePromise: i mean bot hof you need someone......and well.....maybe youll be the person to dance with bill to some ska Funny shit I tell you. |
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| burn burn burn | ||||||
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Well damn, the last time I had a weekend with nothing to do I ended up thinking quite a bit. My thinking wasn't necessarily positive, but then again it all depends on how you look at it. I saw more ups than downs, and well, this weekend was very similar to that last one. I really don't know if what I thought about is really finalized, but I think it might end up decent. It might hurt me now, but it will will be beneficial in the long run once time kind of helps heal the scars. Hm, I guess I was just trying to hold onto what noL and I had a little too much, eh? Unless we make a ton of progress I don't know if I will begin to think otherwise. I guess I was way too caught up in what we had. I figured we would always make eachother feel so complete, and well, I just don't really feel that those feelings are mutual anymore. :-/ Heh, I just look around and see little things that represent her, and our plans or "dreams" and well, that just hurts knowing that the possibilites aren't really there anymore. I just see this constant repetitive cycle occuring in my life. I had another relationship similar to this one and afterwards I told myself I would never drown myself out again. Perhaps, I should open my fucking eyes and stop while I am somewhat ahead. Damn, that would be so hard, but I think it could be beneficial. Hmf, noL and I were supposed to talk on Friday. Uh, yeah. Same old story. Each and every fucking time. Oh well man, it was uh... fun while it lasted? Anyway, This weekend was okay? I played my guitar quite a bit. Same old, same old. The way I feel hasnt been very consistent, it's either been a little better or worse. Ack. Oh well, time for me to take my pill and stop whining. Today I ended up going to see my Grandma and Grandpa... they just got back from one of their yearly road trips. Blah, blah... more wedding talk with mah pops. Tres invited me to Bad Religion and Less Than Jake. I figured it was kind of expensive, but then I thought to myself: "Oh fucking well man, I should be pretty fun. There will be a lot of people there... you'll get to hang out with a bud while he gets to see one of his favorite bands. What do you have to lose?". So yeah, next Saturday I'm there. It'll get me away from the same old bullshit. I've only had one cigarette since last Thursday. I had it today... damn, with all of my congestion they just dont taste the same. haha. I wasn't really craving one when I smoked that one either. Who knows... maybe I am really getting close to quitting. That's about it. I don't have much more to say. Argh, The routines are getting worse and the apologies are growing old. Wait, wait. Randomness kicks in because 'February Stars' just came on Okay, so last Tuesday Night I stayed up really late thinking about my situation with noL while listening to the Foo Fighters. Blah, I was chillin' on my porch, while smoking, and looking at the stars. It was kind of ironic that as I was listening to the words to 'February Stars' and thinking about noL and I... there were only 2 stars in the sky, and one of them was burning out. Okay, so that doesnt make much sense, but then I thought about how the last time I enjoyed my relationship with noL 100% was in February. The lyrics were just amazing me. Each line seemed to hold a significance to my situation. Hanging on here until I'm gone just hanging on -represents my constant giving in with hopes of a brighter tomorrow? Even though I watched you come and go how was I to know You'd steal the show -represents the securitiy I once had? Then I ask myself, "How in the world did it come to this?" Of all people... how did her words do this to me and make me feel that way. I never saw this one coming. One day I'll have enough to gamble I'll wait to hear your final call and bet it all -perhaps this is talking about my current feelings and how I am laying it all on the line now? Hanging on here until I'm gone right where I belong just hanging on -Hm... this speaks for itself. Am I just wasting my time? But some part of me tells me this is the right thing to do considering I had so much confidence and how I thought she did. Even though I pass this time alone somewhere so unknown it heals the soul -it might hurt now, but even if things don't work the way I would hope... I'll still be better down the road. Pain = Gain You ask for walls I'll build them higher we'll lie in shadows of them all I'd stand but they're much too tall and i fall -My willingness to make things better and us hiding in the "shadows" (or fronts), then the fact that after a while they just don't work anymore? (That was worded horribly) February Stars floating in the dark temporary scars February Stars - blah blah... the stars representing the last good times, and how they're burning out. How time will help heal this...? Hm... This might sound pretty emo, but uh... maybe that month (February) was that last of our 'stars'? Especially with the fading star in the sky... and only one bright one. Maybe that bright one represented our upcoming talk and our future. Fuck, who knows. I dont know. It's hard to explain, but it makes perfect sense to me. Ack, now I sound like some kind of astrological whore. Nevermind me. My analyzation probably didnt make much sense to anyone either. That's it for now. That entry was a real snoozer. AdamTheSellout: I am trying to hold onto something and someone's grip is slipping. |
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| 1 ring of fire burn burn burn | ||||||
| Friday, March 15th, 2002 |
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What a good way to end this beautiful Friday evening. Consistency? Nope. ProCRASStination. Yup. Not fucking cool at all. Oh yeah, I was feeling better earlier. It's gotten a little worse now. Hm, gotta see if I can hit Bad Religion, Less Than Jake, and Hot Water Music with Tres. Too bad noL and I didn't talk today. I was gonna see about some other shit. Oh well, one step at a time, eh? I am tired of telling myself that. I'll be happy when this is just done and over with. I'm sick of wondering when it's gonna happen. Yeah, I am going to my dads. I hope you kids have a good weekend. I have no idea what is in store for me... ick ick ick. Final thought: I wish words and actions matched during times like these. Adam |
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| 2 rings of fire burn burn burn | ||||||
| Thursday, March 14th, 2002 |
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Well, Today was a scary day. Yes, that is a new word, eh? Anyway, I've felt like I was catching a cold these past few days, and well today it got a whole lot worse than I would have ever imagined. I woke up from a little nap in health and I felt my diaphram aching really bad and well, let's just say my breathing wasn't so hot either. Blah, blah. It got worse, too. Heh, I remember Austin saying "You dont look so good man, Are you sure you still wanna go to Sticks?". I invited him, and I wasn't gonna bag out just because I was having trouble breathing. Blah, So we go over and shoot some pool with Markus, then we come back. During all of this time I am just getting worse. I actually was beginning to fear the worst because the pain of breathing in and breathing out was only worsening. Ick, so I asked my mom if she could take me to a doctor or something to see what was going on. Ack, I fucking loathe going to the doctor's office too. I sold out, but what can you do? When others tell me "You dont look so good man... You look like you're about to die" I know it isn't just me. He gave me 2 kinds of pills to try to help, and then... an inhaler. Damn, It just blew hard fucking core. I had never physically been in that much pain before. I could only sit a few select ways to keep from my body hurting. Those positions just so happenend to make my neck and entrie body cramp up, but they kept me breathing for a while Blah, blah. I couldn't talk, could barely breathe without it hurting, doo da. The glands in my neck are swollen so fucking bad, too. I just laid down and cringed. :-( Damn, I'm glad I didn't keep smoking today. That would have made them worse, if that's capable. I just loathed the fact that I was on my back pretty much helpless laying flat on my back. I can usually stick stuff out, but this was just wicked. I'm still not doing very good, but my breathing has become a smidge easier. Heh, I still cant talk for long amounts of time, and it still hurts like hell to breathe in and out just a little bit. I cant even swallow liquids. Ick. Everytime I feel like coughing or clearing my throat I have to hold back because I feel like my body is going to break. Ick, ick, ick. Sometimes, I literally choke up from not taking in much air or breathing out much because it hurts too much. This fucking blows. 2 kinds of pills + inhaler + pain killers + heating pad = Adam on his back. Not fucking rad at all. I actually felt like I was going to die a few times. :-/, no joke. Hearing my mom thinking about taking me to the hospital doesn't really help either. I talked to Bill, Kriz, Alex (for a few), and noL for a while. I was supposed to talk to Nic... who knows what happenend there. Talking is a bitch. I get winded by completing short sentences. Ick, ick. ick. I really hope this shit gets better. At least I can move now. That's a plus. I dont feel 100% defeated. Enough whining from me. Exciting day, eh? Try no. Tomorrow is going to be another defining day, too. I can't go to school. My mother won't let me. It's for the best though. I wouldn't want to risk someone else catching this shit. Argh. I hope nobody ever has to go through this shit. :-/ |
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| 8 rings of fire burn burn burn | ||||||
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God damnit. I have to get this off my chest. Hmf. Anymore, it seems like I am just not getting through to Noelle. The consistency of our relationship is really beginning to get to me, and I am beginning to think that we are getting close to the stage where we'll just waste away until the distance is just too much (and no, I don't mean 800 miles.). If this continues we will most likely have no hope whatsoever, but it seems like each and everytime we talk about problems they only seem to get worse. I remember way back when things were looking untouchable, she would ask me "Do you believe that everything fade in time? I don't" Jesus Christ, am I the only one seeing that day by day we are only getting worse by not talking, or when we have lousy conversations? Maybe she just doesn't care like she cracked me up to think she did, obviously I dont feel she is really showing it anymore. One day it looks like she shows she cares more just so things will be better tomorrow, then you just have that cycle repeating. Doo da, doo da. If these aren't signs of fading, I dont know what are. There just isn't anymore running from this. I am sick of feeling like she is running from these problems by just putting on little fronts that things will be okay, too. I know this isn't all her fault, but fuck... it seems like I am the only one realizing something is even wrong. Before it would have been her that was all concerned, but not anymore. Nope. I am completely up in arms. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish we could just click once again to get this fucking problem solved. I know we could do it right, but we just need to sit down and talk without any little fronts being put on. I never once got tired of the honesty and loyalty our friendship/relationship had, but now it's like that isn't even showing the way it should be. Hell, who am I to say what should be shown and shouldnt? I just wish her eyes would open up and she'd see and remember exactly what's at stake like she once did. Gawd, what I would only do for that to happen for 30 seconds. It would help immensly. :-( Geez, I fucking hate how these journal entries of mine sound so one sided, too. I know everything isn't one person's fault, but my words make them sound like she is the worst person ever. Which she isn't, if she was I wouldn't keep doing what I am doing. Love is a fucking handfull, especially when you don't feel the end "rewards" (bad word) are going to be there. :( We both need to wake the fuck up. I just care so fucking much because I have never felt this way about anyone, and it appears that there is nothing that I can do. :( ARRRRRRGH I'm going to fucking sleep. |
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| 13 rings of fire burn burn burn | ||||||
| Wednesday, March 13th, 2002 |
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Well in the past you were too much But over time it seems that you have lost touch What could’ve changed your state of mind The pressures of growing up sure aren’t very kind You don’t know just who you are I still feel it’s been so long Everyone gives up their hope If nothing else my dumb luck’s gone When I saw you last you were you But upon meeting again I wonder who are you Lackluster is your pride I hope that you’re inside this cheap disguise You don’t know just who you are I still feel it’s been so long Everyone gives up their hope If nothing else my dumb luck’s gone All talk and no action. Woo fucking hoo. I was right. I do feel it coming on. This feeling only grows stronger. Acccccck. Do I have what it takes to give in again though? Doubtful. Today Tres picked me up from school. We hung out, and practiced a little. It was fun. One of the songs is coming along better... heh, now that I actually have an amp at my house I'll be able to practice without the fucking acoustic. Robe the Roadie left my little amp up at Tres' last practice. Tsk, tsk. Only the big one sucka. Oh well, I really hope we have an idea of where this band is going soon though. Music has been such a good way for me to vent lately and just being able to play music with good buds is even better because it helps ease my mind. Lately, Tres has easily become one of my best buds. I am not gonna list tons of reasons why, he's just consistent and that's something I appreciate more than anything at this point. I really wish others were consistent. Anyway, I am grateful for those who are. I can't complain. Just getting away from everything and hanging out has been a savior man. Even if I dont talk much, heh heh. If you ever need anything let me know brodel. Thanks. |
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13 . IT'S A ROCKABILLY SHOW!!! Rocket 350 (GA), Reno Divorce + The Mansfields...$7 Holy shhhheeeit. That's gonna be sick. |
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| 1 ring of fire burn burn burn | ||||
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| Yup, That day is coming. I can just fucking feel it. I woke up with the feeling yesterday and was kind of sad, but now.. I'm thinking it might a necessity. | ||||||||
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| Tuesday, March 12th, 2002 |
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| I am pretty tired. My whole situation is beginning to make a fuck of a lot more sense. "One day I'll have enough to give more, I'll wait to hear your final call. Bet it all"- Yep, that day is coming soon. Shit, I can only fear the worst. Either way it's a win/win situation though. I prefer one over the other, but that one is gonna be hard for me to except even if the chance is given. Either way. I am setting myself up pretty decent. I just can't wait until one prevails over the other. In other news, after I finish my paper and stuff today I am going to make the attempt to talk to noL about the reoccuring themes that have a firm grasp on my life. ::bites lip, and closes eyes for a minute::. Childish talk or reality? We soon shall see. | ||||||||
| 10 rings of fire burn burn burn | ||||||||
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Ouchhhhh, Another slap in the face, but just how many more of these can I take? God damn, My number of chances to hide from reality are running out. I don't know how many more times I'll be able to close my eyes, bite my lip, and hope that this will be okay. |
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Yeah, so I lost everything on my computer due to some kind of mess up. Arghh. 600 MP3's, Word files, and the most saddening thing... pictures. Heh, I had some good ones that relfected things that used to make me laugh, pictures taken with old friends, and of course memories. :( Bummer. I was gonna do something will all of those one day, too. Oh well, no school tomorrow again. Hah, fuckers. Today was just another day, filled with the same old shit ::sigh:: (just how many more times am I going to be doing that before I give up?), doo da. I'm glad I dont have school. I have to finish that paper, and Tiffany is supposed to call me. Hm, something to look forward to, eh? Oh yes, let's not forget about the sleep. This is the point in the evening when I ask myself "How in the world did it come to this?". |
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| Monday, March 11th, 2002 |
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Yeouch. Sometime I should give that extra 2%. It might help. Hahaha. NO. |
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| 2 rings of fire burn burn burn | ||||||
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Darling you gotta let me know Should I stay or should I go? If you say that you are mine I'll be here 'til the end of time So you got to let me know Should I stay or should I go? Always tease tease tease You're happy when I'm on my knees One day is fine, next is black So if you want me off your back Well come on and let me know Should I Stay or should I go? Should I stay or should I go now? Should I stay or should I go now? If I go there will be trouble An' if I stay it will be double So come on and let me know This indecision's bugging me If you don't want me, set me free Exactly who'm I'm supposed to be Don't you know which clothes even fit me? Come on and let me know Should I cool it or should I blow? Should I stay or should I go now? If I go there will be trouble And if I stay it will be double So you gotta let me know Should I stay or should I go? |
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Diminished hope at the cost of constant misconceptions, a newly distorted image due to these negative reflections. Taking it for granted that we'll be fine tomorrow, if not just put on another front to ease the sorrow. Whatever became of the way things once were? It seems like we lost it all with a single blur. This has become nothing more than a finger pointing game, why is it that someone must always have to take the blame? I hope you had fun playing the drowning game, it only helped to extinguish any possible remaining flame. |
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| Saturday, March 9th, 2002 |
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pictures taken off It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe. It don't matter, anyhow. An' it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe. If you don't know by now. When your rooster crows at the break of dawn. Look out your window and I'll be gone. You're the reason I'm trav'lin' on. Don't think twice, it's all right.It ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe. That light I never knowed. An' it ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe. I'm on the dark side of the road. Still I wish there was somethin' you would do or say, to try and make me change my mind and stay. We never did too much talkin' anyway, so don't think twice, it's all right. It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal. Like you never did before. It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal. I can't hear you any more. I'm a-thinkin' and a-wond'rin' all the way down the road. I once loved a woman, a child I'm told. I give her my heart but she wanted my soul. But don't think twice, it's all right. I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe. Where I'm bound, I can't tell, but goodbye's too good a word, gal. So I'll just say fare thee well. I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind. You could have done better but I don't mind. You just kinda wasted my precious time, but don't think twice, it's all right. AdamTheSellout: Well d00d. Is it time to take Xavier off? AdamTheSellout: never have taken him off. kriz THE d v 8: do it dood. kriz THE d v 8: and send it back to her. AdamTheSellout: It's only a memory, right? kriz THE d v 8: a memory that teases you. sending him back wouldnt help, taking him off will. I still want to attempt to be friends. I cant lose that. I couldnt go on the way I was though. 
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From this: feeling complete. To this: burnt out. I always said I wouldnt leave unless something happenend. It did. |
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| 1 ring of fire burn burn burn | ||||||
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tiff core: i just wonder about whats going to happen when her little phase with john and justin now fades out. tiff core: shes going to want to talk to you tiff core: and come back. tiff core: and youre not going to be there. tiff core: well you might be tiff core: but it wont be the same. tiff core: she has had way too many chances. AdamTheSellout: exactly, it wont be the same. it hasnt since that first time. |
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LiveJournal for The King of Fools.
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tired.
satisfied.
confused.
aggravated.
sick.
blank.