| 10:48pm 03/07/2002 | |||
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oh my god i love him so much. i feel like i'm 12. did you know that? i feel like i'm 12 again and i cant stop thinking about him. WHY did he have to be so... PERFECT??!!!?!?! it was so terrible. i take walks to other departments at work just so i have time to daydream about him, its sick. but i have promised myself to not tell anyone who he is, because you dont know him so it doesnt matter. all that matters is that i'm nuts about him and this isnt going over well because i know in the long run, this is totally going to suck for me. in other news, i have not been online at all lately. and its so hot outside i cant stand it. and brian, i am completely disappointed because i had to sleep alone, i dont care if it was hot out, but thank you for the asprin. i have worked alllllll week - and i am working until saturday - then i find out if i'm working the next week. and i have like money, i'm more broke than i was when i had a job. . . what the fuck? how does this happen? i am so bored. come over. chrissssssssssss - i hope you're having fun where ever you are. i do miss you... i thoguht you disappeared. blah fuck you. .kati. |
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| i am home | |||
| 11:53pm 29/06/2002 | |||
| i brushedmy teeth with someone last night... | |||
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| 02:26pm 27/06/2002 | |||
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Kasie killer herself last night. i got a call this morning. i dont really know what to do. i dont really know what to say. i'm just kind of sitting here with people downstairs. i want them to go away so i can curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep. she always said she was going to do it but none of us really thought she would. she went into a field and put a hose onto her exhaust pipe... and put the other end in her window. she was alive when they found her, then she went into cardiac arrest and died. so what am i really suppose to do? this is so strange. |
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| 05:27am 25/06/2002 | |||
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i just got off of the phone with chris. my oh my i havent stayed up talking on the tele and seen the sun rise in soooooo long. its nice to talk to people like that. what a nice nice guy... ... why are all of my friends 20? speciallllll number... it has to be! i dont even remember picking up the phone... wow... i remember being really suprised he called, but i am glad because i think i said a lot of things that i needed to get out, for my sake. its nice to be able to relate problems and things with other people. i have to watch Evan at 330 so beth can go get her nails done. I should go to bed now I guess. ::sigh:: thank you :) xoxox <3<3kati |
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| 08:56pm 24/06/2002 | ||||
<3<3kati |
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complacent| 01:27am 24/06/2002 | ||||
why do they feel like home? because when they step foot on that stage they have the mentality that they own it. That they're it. That confidence spreads throughout the audience. from the moment someone puts their lips to the mic, they're talking to you as their friend -- because you bothered to show up at all. they let you know you're there to have a good time. mike kisses the audience, shawn wears a bandana over his face, tony and ryan take their shirts off, bob . . . does stuff... doesnt matter what people think, because in the end its about the music. Shaking hands with everyone after the show telling them thank you, none of the other bands did that. and their music, holy crap. really. talk about loving something. Their motto should be "No Shirt, No Shoes... Service" whats with that feeling? i think its the way they talk to the people there. i dont know. its like they're totally at home. you feel at home because they feel at home, you're comfortable because they are, you're having an amazing time because they are. its just nice to be around. its a good feeling. its a good time. and its 110% awesome because you're there with one or two real friends. and i dont care what anyone else thinks because i love them, and i love going to their shows, and i love the way i feel when they play... and i hope for you the same great feeling that i get, deep inside. **nakedness all the way **tony - thumbs up on the hair, i really do love the new look **to shrewsbury -- i leave my headache and 15$ worth of gas and coffee raelly a good time tonight. i wish i could have put into words what i want to say. night kids <3<3kati |
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thankful| dont even tell me who you are | |||
| 02:06am 22/06/2002 | |||
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fuck this shit. why are people so stupid? why are people so uncaring and mean? i thought i had like, the BEST friend in the world. sure sure -- its withered from how it used to be, but i still thought that a lot of it was still there. this was the first friendship i ever thought that i'd be able to keep for a long long time. i have never had a best friend before, but this was the closest. things change, that much i expected, but to be forgotten, i mean completely forgotten was totally not in the cards. but it happened. so now what? can you please tell me what i'm suppose to do? THIS IS ME REACHING OUT TO ALLLLLLL OF YOU FOR AN IOTA OF SUPPORT. Honestly, i'm not at all sure where to go from here. in my head it was just suppose to work out. i made an effort though. but a friendship is a two way street, so why was i doing all the work? ohhhh yeaaaaaaa, because the other person didnt give a damn. i am tired of being cast aside for this reason or the other. i am exhausted from being the person who never gets the phone call. always the one pressing the buttons. always the one writing the e-mails. i'm not looking to have some contest of how many people realllllyyyyyy like me, but when is it my turn to feel like i'm someones friend? this hurt me. this really hurt me. it's past 2AM and i've been lying in my bed since 11:30 trying to figure out what i'm suppose to do. and i cant think of anything. this makes me so sad because i really did care. more than you or they will ever know. but i cant push any more buttons and i cant make it my doing any more. i'm fucking tired. so should i just give up on a friendship that meant more to me than anything? should i just say "well... fuck them if they dont want to be my friend... blah blah blah" cause i could sit here and make up 1,000 reasons why this person is just a really big asshole, because that's what i thought about at work all night, but every hundred excuses i made, got canceled out but just one memory, one good conversation or one smile that this person gave me. i dont know what else to say or do. but i really honestly am tired of sitting here. because i cant cry anymore, its getting me no where. i cant get any more angry or depressed over this, i need an answer, and the only other way i can think of, while holding onto my sanity, is asking you people. is there something wrong with me? anything, anything you can give me please. i am so sorry. <3<3kati |
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| 10:23pm 20/06/2002 | |||
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it must be the childrens department getting to me. i swear. thats why i had the dream. because all day long i kept looking at daddies and seeing my unmade childs father in that place. and he's kinda scary looking so i dunno, it was sweet and cute though. because he looks like such a tough guy, but he had a little baby that he loved. dude, what the fuck am i talking about? BLAH <3<3kati |
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| 02:06pm 20/06/2002 | ||||
i woke up again around 3:45. i dont really know why. the television was staticy and i didnt know what was going on. so i got back online. i wsa still tired though, so i went back to bed. and then i had this dream. *i wasdriving through this town in maine. it was a nice day out. i dont know who was driving, but we kept passing these little stores. finally we stopped at one and picked up baby clothes. Then we got back in the car and were at a hospital. i had just had my baby but i didnt know what to name it. so i thought i'd name it bailey. but thats the name of my cat, and i didnt like it. so i was trying to think of baby names, and my mom was there, so finally it popped into my head, i'd name my baby charlie. so i picked him up and was holding him, and he smiled. and i dont htink i have ver had a dream that made me actually have a feeling before. but i remember that i just started crying, because i didnt need anything but that baby. then the baby's father came in, and it was this kid that i keep seeing everywhere. he has to hang out with one of the merrimack kids because i see him everywhere and i saw him at the young idea show, but i have no idea who this kid is. no name no nothing, but he was the father of my baby. so then i gave charlie a bath and my mom and grandmother came in and smiled at me, telling me how proud of my they were. and charlie kept smiling, he was a beautiful little boy. and then my cousin tried to grab him from me so i kicked him in the sotmach and he fell on the ground, and i freaked out on him for trying to hurt my child.* that's about the time i woke up. and i just layed there for an hour thinking about that dream and how good it made me feel. i'm not planning on going out and getting pregnant any time soon, believe me, but it was just a feel good family fun dream. ::sigh:: what to do what to do i think i'm going to paint today. i found my charcoal sticks last night, i haven drawn in charcoal forever. i wonder what today will bring. <3<3kati |
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artistic| 02:39pm 19/06/2002 | ||||
perhaps it was someone who is in california that doesnt LIVE there but is just VISITING... .. ... .... ..... .... i wonder. haha so that made me smile. i'm just wicked fucking bummed that i missed the call. i hope the caller calls sometime today. i am willing to spend my day offline just to take that chance. hmmmmmm... i missed the first one -- ::sigh:: .keep.my.fingers.crossed. <3<3kati |
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| 09:04am 19/06/2002 | ||||
I think that the funniest thing yesterday was when Steve stood on the sand pile thing and raised his arms with all the birds around him. He looked the the Bird Man. FLOCK TO ME!!!! Thank you Carolyn for sharing your chinese crunchy things with me, very good indeed. The bridge was perdy. I dont think I've seen anything and pretty in quite awhile. Really. I want to go there and take pictures because it was o so beautiful. Mr. Ober, the green duck taped to my car, flew out of the window this morning so I had to pull over and walk back what seemed a mile to find and detch him. I do feel a lot better this morning. I feel less BLAH BLAH BLAH. really. I went to my final final. it was good, i think i did really well, but i liked that class anyhow. Tonight, tonight i will do nothing because a) i only hang out with like 2 people and they wont be around and b)... there is no one around. I wish my photo editor thing worked. I have some great pictures I wanted to play around with. ahh well. Vision correction fucking rocks my socks. seriously. there's nothing better than waking up and putting your glasses on. hahaha. I dont think i was very talkative last night. nothing personal, i just needed to be at my home. but thank you SDC for the asprin and the water in the fishing cup. Good times last night for the most part :) i walked away with a smile. you can call me if you have nothing to do, because i will be here... or whatever. <3<3kati 603.881.8861 -- home 603.533.7699 -- cell |
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awake| 09:23pm 18/06/2002 | ||||
i was out with people tonight and i felt more alone than i ever have. everything inside turned into sand and began to pour out of my finger tips. i was freezing with a headache that has a chance of soon becoming a migrain. now i'm here and i just want to die. this isnt a suicide "thing" i'm not really contemplating death, but i'd do anything to get myself out of this day -- out of this feeling. Brian - fuck you. thats what i want to say. is fuck you. and the fact that if you keep living your life the way you are, you'll go from being in your 20's to a 56 year old man, still living with his mother. we're not friends, FINE. but you have too much potential as a person to be just some lazy ass fuck whp sits on his little computer all day. nothing but death can keep me from it <3<3kati |
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sad| 06:23pm 17/06/2002 | |||
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When did it stop being about the music? I go to shows to hear the music. I belive that some people are destined to suck at life, and the only thing that they will ever have is the music. Don't go to a show to sit on someone's nuts. Don't go to a show because the love of your life likes a band and you want him/her to think you do too. Don't go to a show to be a scenester. Don't go to a show to start a fight. Don't go to a show to make someone else happy. Don't go to a show because its the thing to do. Go because of the music. I know people who praise one band member or the other, and thats why they go. Or they go and feel the need to critisize the band for the way they act or do something. can i ask you a question? WHO THE FUCK CARES IF A BAND HAS TELEVISIONS ON STAGE WHILE PLAYING? answer me that. no one cares. its just really neat. and by having their little lightblub with the y in it was pretty fucking original. it was not relevant at all. i liked my post. i wrote that post because i went to a show and was completely blow away. and the only thing i got was talk about a tv. livejournal is a place of good times and fun. the next show i go to i'm going to go for the same reason i've been going - to hear the music. cause i like it. and thats what matters. i'm not angry. not one little bit. perfectly content actually - just had a few things i wanted to say. once again, T.Y.I. - I cant describe the vibe you made Friday night. it was just beautiful. <3<3kati |
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| 01:34pm 17/06/2002 | ||||
i would like to know. thank you. <3<3kati |
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| 12:38am 17/06/2002 | |||
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i'm really tired but really awake. i'm having lunch with ian tomorrow. supersensitive can i ask you all a question? If you were any inanimate object... what would you be and why? just answer the question. i would be black nail polish... do you even have to ask? <3<3kati |
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| 07:55pm 16/06/2002 | ||||
pretty unique huh? okay, my mom said the concrete floors at work is whats making my legs fall off. and my second problem is... that when i start my car, the wheel does not turn, or it does but i have to use all my strength, making it nearly impossibly to get out of my scary complicated driveway. and my fuckhead neighbors always park in my way. .its.time.to.kill.them. discover the 212 ways, YOU could be an army of one. Or... we could NOT and just be the army of 19 or so that gather together to entertain each other with immaturity and rad music. i am starving. hmmph. i really wanted to see Black Hawk Down, i heard it was good. the simpsons are on though, so i can handle it. I really need my pay check, why you ask??? so i can get gas and get my stupid car not working ass to the trance buddah on sunday to see my friends and get all michael jackson teeny bopper jittery inside. two, so i can buy more black braclets, because i gave them away to my senior friends because they asked for them. three, because i need to buy new music (because... well... whats life without music?) and four, just because i like the green. not really, i like the things that the green gets me. like prostitutes and hardcore drugs... or just music. and i need to buy a hot tub. <3<3kati |
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| 12:53am 16/06/2002 | |||
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man, i can see right through you. and your games and whatever else. you can walk around pulling on an act and i'm not even going to bother to look up. you're fucking fake, so fucking fake that its sick. i cant even think of what i ever saw in you as a person. you're so fucking cheap. ************ i went to work. and standing for 7 hours makes your feet hurt so much. i laughed a lot though, and i made a lot of other people laugh too. and i sold a lotta stuff and some asian girls wrecked the girls fitting room... hmph tired, i have to work tomorrow. i wonder if i get paid... hmmmmmm peace out dawg |
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| 09:46am 15/06/2002 | |||
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Talk about a show. Talk about the greatest fucking euphoric vibe you could get from a single band's first show, and knowing they have some fucking great potential. I am so glad I decided to go. I want to go to another one, and more after that. that's the way I feel about it. The Young Idea, jeeze man, and nothing could have been better than those TV's with the paper cut out thingy of their logo taped to it while it was all, static and shit. Fucking A. Yes folks, that's right Fuckin A. I was so amazed. Awesome night. Even Still. I have to go shower for work now. I donbt even know what time I'm working, BLAH |
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| 04:55pm 13/06/2002 | |||
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i have to work come visit me thursday june 13th 5:30-9:30 pheasant lane mall jcpenny childrens department katie |
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hampshire |
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