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saturdays. [23 Feb 2002|10:01pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | danzig - twist of cain ] so we went to louisville today, and fought the entire way there. my mother has this whole idea that i need a new wardrobe, so we go and buy me three pairs of pants. the pants aren't that bad, but hearing her bitch about the prices got annoying as fuck. she has to be the most unhappy person in the world. why does she insist upon taking it out on me? i have a terrible cold. my nose is completely stuffed. i could hardly breathe all day long. call me crazy for a second, but bear with me. we went out to eat at texas roadhouse, which is something we do like once a year. i didn't eat anything, because, well, because it's nasty. they only spent like twelve dollars because they split a plate. i wish we had more money, but here's the thing...who in the hell in their right mind would want to spend seven dollars on a fucking plate of chicken? not only is it disgusting, but it's just plain stupid. the thought of eating meat makes me nauseous. i can't stand the fact that i have some dead animal's flesh inside my mouth. it creeps me out, and makes me feel terrible. the other day, i said something about it at school, and some asshole had to make some ignorant comment about it. yes, i am vegan, and yes, i am going to talk about it, and if you don't want to hear about it, then walk away. when i talk about being vegan, i'm just trying to show people that it can be done, and that it isn't as bad as it sounds, and it's a good thing to open people up to new ideas. if you're so completely stupid that you can't understand that, i feel sorry for you. i just couldn't be able to cope with the fact that the food digesting in my stomach was once and walking, living, breathing creature that was murdered at some slaughterhouse. i wish that i could change the world. break my heart

hate. [23 Feb 2002|12:14pm] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | nothing, the bitch took my records. ] we fought for two hours straight. she cried, he cried, i cried. i tried to explain to them what they do, about how they hold me back and act like they don't care. it's not really his fault, but she does this thing to me. she always interrupts me, and she's so completely stupid. she won't let me get a sentence out, and constantly interrogates me. i hate her. when the fight was over with, she told me to go find my birth mother and live with her, because she didn't want me anymore. i want to beat her for being to stupid and hurtful. why does she want to hurt me so much? she's crazy. she came into my bedroom and took away all of my cds, and now she took them out of the case and out them in a plastic bag with all of my tshirts. this is torture. she blames everything on music. she says that it's all about death and dying and killing people. she's so completely full of shit, and i honestly hope that whatever torment i cause her makes her go more insane than she already is. i don't deserve to be treated like this. i am better than she is, and i'm better than anyone in this house. i'm smarter, i'm more determined, and i have a whole lot more going for me. they know this, my dad even said it earlier. he also said that he wants to hold me back. maybe they're jealous. but blaming it all on music?! how fucking stupid can you be? i turn eighteen one year from July sixth. i'm never coming back to this shitty place. break my heart

go back to bed. [23 Feb 2002|08:46am] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | bad religion - the biggest killer in american history ] i want to go back to bed. i have a horrible headache. dad made mother apologize to me. that's a first. i want to take a nice hot shower. i want to be kissed. break my heart

my kitty! [22 Feb 2002|11:34pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | avail - pink houses ] i was sitting at my desk and heard that familiar meow. i jumped up and ran outside and scooped jewel into my arms and gave her lots of hugs. i missed her so much! she wouldn't let me go, and she kept trying to go inside with me. i held her for at least fifteen minutes outside in the cold. i missed her so much. right now, she's scratching at my window. i know that she can hear me in here, and it breaks my heart that i can't let her stay inside with me, where it's warm. 2 broken hearts| break my heart

i love quizzes! [22 Feb 2002|11:27pm] Which 80's tv toon are YOU? | made by kt of p-e.org. I'm a shy, sensitive punk rocker, the most artistic of them all. I'm Kurt Cobain! Click here to find out which Nirvana grunge rocker you are! break my heart

[22 Feb 2002|09:47pm] [ mood | enraged ] they take away my cat. they take away my clothes. they take away my modem. i'm trying my hardest not to let them take away my spirt. inside, i just feel so frustrated. my dad came in here to get my modem and i told him no, and then i got up to get something and i tripped. i was already pissed, and when i landed in the floor, i threw these old cds my idiot mother put in the floor, and i almost broke my hand because i punched the floor so hard. i couldn't do anything but sit there and cry. not because i'm sad, but because i'm angry and frustrated, and all my dad can do about it is stand there. why do they want to hold me back? why can't i just be free? why do the people who are supposed to love you more than anything have to hurt you so much? i just want a mother and a father. i want wings so i can fly away. break my heart

[22 Feb 2002|09:18pm] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | poison the well - slice paper wrists ] the movie o is really good. i think i understand myself a little better. i like to convince myself that i'm crazy, just because it gives me an excuse to do crazy things. more than anything, i think i'm in bondage. everyone around me is holding me back, and i know that i can't stop it, but i still do things to cause trouble, to get my point across. i just want to be heard and understood, and no one seems to be listening to me. it's a harsh, selfish, cruel world, where no one gives a damn about anyone else. i honestly feel like i don't have an impact on anyone, because everything that means something to me goes unheard. i can imagine my parents walking into my bedroom finding me dead on my bed, and crying because they never saw it coming. i anyone actually listened to me, they'd see it coming. it's in my eyes, in my voice, in my breath. even my screams come out as a whisper. i just want change. i want you to listen to me, and cherish every word that i say. i've never been loved before, but now is a good time for you to start. break my heart

[22 Feb 2002|06:50pm] [ mood | bitchy ] [ music | nerve agents ] today was boring, and that test was way fucked. i wrote at least three pages of essays. i'm sad right now. i think i broke my heart. i'm done with relationships. i just need to concentrate on me. i wish i believed that. 4 broken hearts| break my heart

[21 Feb 2002|07:15pm] breakingxaway: have you ever thought....what an impact you have had in my life...and others? thank you, patrik. break my heart

[21 Feb 2002|07:06pm] [ mood | horny ] [ music | the cure - the kiss ] today was boring and slow. i just wanted it to end. we watched the wizard of oz in american studies today. i had never seen it before. honestly, i hated it. the munchkins freak me out. especially since they're all drunk and dancing around and singing. i've read the book, but the movie, ugh, it just freaks me out. i burned my fingers because the water boiled over, and now i have these blisters on them. it really hurts, and i keep putting lotion on them, but it isn't helping. i can't believe that tomorrow is Friday, this has been a fucked up week. i want sex. break my heart

[21 Feb 2002|05:42pm] Hearts will never be made practical until they are made unbreakable. so true. 2 broken hearts| break my heart

[21 Feb 2002|05:40pm] my cat is gone, and i think that i might cry. i have a broken heart. 1 broken heart| break my heart

[21 Feb 2002|06:08am] [ mood | groggy ] [ music | her. ] why is she a crazy bitch? i'm just checking my email. i don't deserve this. i hate mornings. break my heart

[20 Feb 2002|09:51pm] they're getting ready to take away my modem. i miss long nights online, talking to everyone. i wish i could stay in touch with everyone, i feel so disconnected. i have to go. goodbye. xoxo. break my heart

liberation. [20 Feb 2002|09:27pm] [ mood | determined ] [ music | small brown bike ] i lied about the last entry of the day thing, i'm still writing away. my back is killing me, buy me a new chair. it smells really good in here, like lavender. i should be happier about certain things, like the fact that i can smell wonderful scents, and taste exotic foods, and gaze at beautiful sunsets. i should be happy that i am a woman, and that i am strong, and i am determined to not let anyone hold me back. i am me, and only me is going to make me happy. tonight, i'm liberated. break my heart

[20 Feb 2002|09:23pm] Go to Hard Bitter Candy for break my heart

destroy the right wing! [20 Feb 2002|08:55pm] [ mood | dorky ] [ music | le tigre - get off the internet ] this is the millionth time i've posted in this thing tonight! my moods are fluctuating, and one second, i'm way happy, and the next, i'm just empty. right now, i'm in between. i'm saying a whole bunch of nothing. my mother has stopped spazzing for a while, probably because she has the television to entertain her. could you believe that i haven't had a cigarette in four days? i'm very proud of myself. if i could quit, it would be awesome. next, i'll have to work on drinking. yeah, right. i want to close my door, because my heater is all the way up, but none of the heat is staying in here because my mother is making me keep the door open so she can "supervise" me. being a delinquent sucks. they took away my clothes too. half of my tshirts, because they say it looks devil worshiping or something. AND she took every pin off of my purse! i had bloody fingers and it took forever to put those on, and the stupid bitch has to take all of them off. i was extremely pissed. so many bad things have happened this week, there must be room for something good. if not, i think that i might die. i've realized that i'm a really strong girl, i have to be, to go through all of this bullshit. i wonder what i would be like if i were weak. i'd probably give into everyone, and still be just as unhappy. at least when i'm stubborn and argumentive i have a purpose, and it offers temporary satisfaction. if i were passive, i would have no meaning at all, i'd just be another speck of grass in the universe. i wish i wasn't so shy around people i didn't know. i want to be outgoing and likeable, and charismatic. i want to have the kind of smile that lights up a room, and i want to say things that make people feel good about themselves. i bet people see me as a downer, especially if they don't know me, because i can be really quiet, and people always say my eyes make cruel looks, which i don't understand. i like to sit down and observe people, to make sure i don't look like a complete moron. maybe i don't really care if i look like a moron, but usually, when i'm around people i don't know, they have their own conversations going on, and i'm completely clueless, so i just automatically sit there. i don't like feeling left out either. i think i'm more normal than i give myself credit for. i think this will be my last journal entry for the day, because i'm running out of things to write about. i want some comments, damn it. make me feel loved. i miss you. xoxo. break my heart

[20 Feb 2002|08:38pm] Take the Which My So-Called Life Character are you most like? Quiz break my heart

it all makes sense to me. [20 Feb 2002|08:24pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | death cab for cutie ] this won't be the last you'll hear from me: it's just the start. i hope that he keeps you up for weeks like you did to me. i will hold a candle up to you to singe your skin. brace yourself: i'm bent with bitterness. when your apologies fail to ring true, so slick with that sarcastic slew or phrases like 'i thought you knew', while keeping me in hot pursuit. tracing the plot finds skin touching skin in the end, i win every time as ink remains. sour tastes prevail as you play back the tape machine. break my heart

henry is the man. [20 Feb 2002|08:15pm] [ mood | amused ] "Every man who has ever been earnest to preserve his higher or poetic faculties in the best condition, has been particularly inclined to abstain from animal food." --HENRY DAVID THOREAU break my heart

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