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For Thanksgiving, we went to NY to spend the holiday with Carlos’ family. Don’t ask me why, but I absolutely freaked out Wednesday night before we left. Could have been PMS. Could have been the fact that I’d never met the family of someone that I’d ever actually considered marrying. Could have been the fact that his mother is very old fashioned, picky, protective of her son, and doesn’t speak English…. but needless to say, I wasn’t in the best frame of mind. Carlos wasn’t much support; he was excited to go home and couldn’t understand why I couldn’t find the right things to wear, and for some reason, was mad at him for it.
Okay so we get there and everything goes alright. She’s trying to force food down my throat and I can’t tell her that “Okay, it’s 5:00 in the morning, I’m not hungry”. I’m super nervous too. I don’t even want to try to talk. I’m just tired. Everything will be better in the morning. Only then I couldn’t sleep.
Thanksgiving Day comes up and I’m tired, still nervous, and I can’t stop wanting to attach myself to Carlos in some way. Maybe he could just wear me as a backpack. We went out to shop for some stuff, and I bought his mom some flowers (that she loved) so that made things better and a little more comfortable for me. We have a few drinks, stuff the turkey, and then Carlos and I go watch a movie and nap (which I reeeeeaaaallly needed).
Then I go to get ready and I forgot my hairbrush and deodorant…. and if that’s not enough, I forgot to mention that I’d had to borrow sleeping attire from his mother the night before b/c I’d forgotten that too. I’m getting really annoyed trying to blow-dry my hair tangled (his mother doesn’t use conditioner), with no brush, in this horribly sticky, steamy bathroom. The pressure is rising. I’m losing it. So we go to this little family party… my hair and make-up are awful. Carlos keeps leaving me alone. His family is trying desperately to include me when all I want to do is crawl btwn two couch cushions and disappear.
Then it’s dinnertime. There’s turkey and dressing, and tamales and seafood salad and this weird bread with ham and boiled egg sticking out of it…. So I had Spanish food for Thanksgiving…. It was a little depressing, and I only sort of liked most of it. Oh man! I’m about to fall apart. After dinner, I go back to my trusty corner of the couch to wish I could melt into it…. I’m feeling very… desperate. I need to get out. I need fresh air and some time to clear my head BY MYSELF. Then if that weren’t enough, Carlos comes over and asks me to dance. Salsa dance no less. I tell him no. There was no way I was going to get up in front of his family and make a fool of myself, feeling the way I did, and probably start crying or something. So he gets mad. The rest of his family starts feeling uncomfortable because then I get upset anyway, and don’t feel like TRYING to communicate with them. It’s so obvious that we are angry at one another… so they’re talking in Spanish around me… I can understand enough of it to know it’s about me, but not enough to know what they’re saying. So then I feel even worse because I’ve made a spectacle of myself, made everyone uncomfortable, and now my weaknesses are being used against me and I can do nothing about it except want to vanish. Finally, it’s time to leave. I try to be calm and handle myself a little more dignantly, just to half gain respect (if not just for myself).
We get home. Go to bed. Carlos and I start to talk. Well, I start to cry. I felt half mad for a moment or two… and he tells me that maybe he can’t make me happy. He’s getting tired of trying. That wasn’t what I’d needed to hear. I’m completely in love with this man. Yah, shit’s rough around the edges. We both have to work at our relationship. But he makes me happy. Very happy. So after a while things get a little better. I felt better, I think he felt better. We held each other for a while on an air mattress in the middle of his mother’s living room…
Then suddenly there’s shouting and things are going crazy. We look out the window to see the 2nd floor of the building we’re in (only a different wing) blazing in flames. We throw on our clothes and run outside. Carlos runs out to help. Runs into a burning building. My hero. Then I couldn’t find him. I started to get upset again (I’m such a baby). Anyway, it was just a weird day. This was all one day, by the way. So finally we bed down again, Carlos is hacking away b/c of all the smoke he breathed. We wake up very late, eat breakfast and get the hell out. Thank God! We get back around 9:00 pm Friday. The rest of the evening/weekend was spent unpacking Carlos’ stuff for the new apartment. But that’s another story….
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blah
lonely
cheerful
exhausted
hungry
loved
dorky
pensive
sleepy