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Sunday, July 29th, 2001
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2:11 pm - RHPS party
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Last night I was giving a big RHPS party and what happens? I get an acute blatherinfection with horrific pains! Just when everyone had arrived!! Itīs not fair!!
Before 22.00 oīclock everyone had gone home again and we have not seen the movie.
Damn!
Iīm never ill, never have pains or sicknesses and then this!!
Why???
The most terrible thing is, there was this guy I thought was cute and I almost puked over him.
He did clean it up and pursisted me to go to bed.
That was nice, wasnīt it?
And now Iīm feeling much better.
I have to do the Timewarp all by myself... :-(((
current mood:  depressed
current music: Never ending Timewarp
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2:06 pm
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Last night I was giving a big RHPS party and what happens? I get an acute blatherinfection with horrific pains! Just when everyone had arrived!! Itīs not fair!!
Before 22.00 oīclock everyone had gone home again and we have not seen the movie.
Damn!
Iīm never ill, never have pains or sicknesses and then this!!
Why???
The most terrible thing is, there was this guy I thought was cute and I almost puked over him.
He did clean it up and pursisted me to go to bed.
That was nice, wasnīt it?
And now Iīm feeling much better.
I have to do the Timewarp all by myself... :-(((
current mood: depressed
current music: Never ending Timewarp
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| Friday, July 27th, 2001
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10:07 pm - My God, He Called AGAIN!
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Well, what can I tell you about the weirdest guy in Universe?
That he is stupid, thatīs what!!
On my bike back home, I realised that since he dumped me 4 months ago in the most painfull way you can get ditched, I now have the full opportunity to take my vengance at him! Donīt I?
Not that I will be as harsh as he was.. but still, isnīt he foolish to think I will let him back into my life so easily?
Yes, he called me again.
I had just closed the shop to go home when my sellphone went. It was him.
He was on his way to is sister who lives in *BLEEP* and said: "So I will have plans for this weekend to.."
O.K...
Then a few moments later he said he rather had gone some place else.
So, playing naive, I answered: "Where would you rather be then?" He just laught and I canīt remember getting an answer.
Then I mentioned my party tomorrow.
I said there wouldnīt be so many people since Laila was having an blatherinfection and tummypain and Esther was having heavy astma attacks and so on.
His reply:"Well if you change the location to *BLEEP* at least I will be there."
Yeah right. So I just laught.
Then he said, that if I really would turn out to have the party all by myself, no one turned up, I could take the train to *BLEEP* and he would pick me up!!!
No, i didnīt think so, I would just have the party alone, after all, I can perfectly fine party by myself! He was very surprised to hear this. That I didnīt say I would. Good.
Then, at the end he said whe nI got home I should get me a cuddlepet. I asked him what to do with it. And he just made grinning noises.
I ended the conversation after 15 minutes!! Isnīt that great!
I said I really wanted to go home.
He had to wait till the boat he was on left, for another 15 minutes (he called me when he was still driving).
I said he could turn on the radio. But his words where that there was only one transmission and that was housemusic. So i suggested heīd put in a cassette and we hung up.
I FEEL GOOD! (nananananana)
I think he thought it would be a good idea to be less bold about his intentions. It was, but it wonīt get him anywhere.
He said I should REALLY call him if I got bored this weekend.
We all know that even if Iīd die of boredom, I wouldnīt! Not anymore. Passed that station.
No i am not a piece of furniture he can put in the barn to put it out whenever he thinks he found a place in his home where it would fit.
No. I will definatly refuse him. Even if it was only to see the look on his face for he surely wonīt expect it!!
current mood:  giggly
current music: Fabian is a Fool - Bee Ping
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| Monday, July 16th, 2001
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10:25 am - NO!!!
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So.. I was about to tell about my weekend with Lila, wich was fun, but now last night something happenend wich I really have to tell!
At 23.56 my phone rang. It turned out to be FABIAN!
So I kept thinking why he called me. We were chatting very nicely, he said heīd thought about going to my place when he was on his motorbike to Amsterdam this weekend, but changed his mind. (Wich i am thankful for, since my house is a BIG mess.) He kept saying things like: "Iīll show you the pictures once" and "I canīt give you the details over the phone, weīll beter talk about that in person."
I didnīt understand all this. Why did he do this, after it seemed so clear to me that last time we met was supposed to be a goodbye!
But after 50 minutes on the (sell)phone, it became clear.
He said he had thought about my īwealthī this weekend. And my wealth is not my money but are my big breasts.
So he must have gotten horny or something and thought: "Well itīs been 4 months, that must be enough time for her to go on with her life and fuck another guy so itīs safe for me to do her again, for this way she wonīt fall in love."
It must have been something like that. Iīm sure!
Later it became even clearer he wanted to have sex with me for when my foot fell into a nail, he said, next time he saw me, he would check it out. So I was like: "Well, it will be over by then!"
And he said: "I will check out your wealth then.."
I didnīt say no to all of this. How could I, wanting sex so badly.
I didnīt say yes either. I just kinda made fun of his propositions.
So now I donīt know what to do when the situation is there.
When I will have sex with him, Iīll make sure he will know ahead I wonīt do it if itīs gonna be 7 minutes again. When we will do it again, I insist on at least half and hour foreplay! And he will have to go down!
So talked about sex again. That was nice.
I am so very glad I now know he didnīt ībreak upī because he didnīt find me attractive anymore, wich defenitly crossed my mind.
We chatted for an hour and twenty minutes and only hang up because he had to get out at 6 in the morning.
He wanted me to call him then! The idiot thought I was going to do it to, gave me the number I had to call and all. I told him 3 times he would not have to count on it, but Iīm sure he was sure!
Oh yeah, and the third clue he wanted sex came out then, when I said I would nicely stay in ītill eleven this morning. Delicious! And he said sleeping wasnīt what he thought of when thinking of delicious... my breasts where.
Anyway, I wonīt call him and stuff.
He appearently thinks Iīm more interesting when I īm not contacting him.
Thatīs fine. I know were I stand now.
Though ofcourse itīs much better to have a friendship then occasional sex.
But heīs the only guy who wants to have sex I find attractive.. So what to do?
Oh and he denied my theory that he thinks of me as a younger woman who doesnīt know it all yet, who has to learn a lot and he canīt see the full size of. I saw that wrong.
And he also said he didnīt always wanted to be right in discussions.... ;-)
current mood: amazed!!!
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| Thursday, July 5th, 2001
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9:33 pm - Wet is Good!
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Donīt know what it was exactly, I think it was mostly the heat (30 degrees C) but I got really cranky on my way home, which was 20 minutes ago. I couldnīt turn on the volume of my walkman and I hate it when itīs not loud.
I had to fight the urge to scream and cry out. And I could, really.
But when I cycled into my street, the chain broke!
So I screamed as loud as I could: "Goddamned! Fucking bike! Goddamned!!!"
Ehr.. there were people passing me too.
So I threw my bike on the ground and started kicking it real hard. I know there where people watching, but my rage was to big to care.
Slamming doors I came into my appartment and I knew I had to break something. But that wouldnīt be good.
So I got a bucket and filled it with cold water.
I put it on headheight.
And then I put my head in it a couple of times untll I had to laugh at myself.
So refreshing!
It really works!!!
You can try it at home... :-)))
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| Thursday, June 28th, 2001
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9:33 pm - Last meeting with Fabian
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Besides my depression I have to tell you I met Fabian this Sunday. For a closure.
He was weird as always, went to his vegetable garden (it showed he hadnīt been there for two years!!) and showed me the appletree, the peartree, the .. well, everything while I only had half an hour cause I had another appointment with my sis. He got in the middle of me going to her..
He got her some rhubarb. Told me how to make it and stuff.
Finally when I thought we would go and talk, he said: "Well, shall i take you to the trainstation then?"
Me:"Well, great we could have this talk."
He:"If you want to talk, you could have.
Me:"Not when you are busy doing other things. Iīd like to sit down for that."
So Mister Fabian sat down on the grass and said:
"Then talk."
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
He didnīt understand it was not right to have ended our relation by a letter. He thought there could not have been another way.
So when I asked him how he would have liked it when someone he thought to have a great time with wrote him SHE decided it would be best to quit it, SHE thought it would be the best for him and SHE knew it was the right thing to do. And then she asks him not to bother him again. To leave her alone.
Well, he would not like that at all... but in our case there was no other option.
AARGH!
Oh and the BEST thing he said, right in the beginning was, that since he was older he had broken up many more times then me, so in that way he was SUPERIOR to me. SUPERIOR!!!!! I know what he means, but the way it gets out of his fucking mouth!!
Anyway, he brought me to my sister by car. That was a very sweet thing to do.
We laught a lot in the car. Felt like old times.
A typical Fabian joke:
We were searching for my sisī house and I said there was a busstop in the street.
He opened the cardoor on his side, while still driving and looked down.
I asked him what he was doing. His answer?
"Iīm looking for the busstop."
(Get it? IN the street..)
But it was the last time weīve met. It was a good ending to me. Nice memory and all. He kissed my cheek when saying goodbye.
The last thing I said to him was: "Yeah, you can drive away now!"
*sighs*
YOU KNOW WHAT THE FRUSTRATING PART IS??
He shaved.
I said he would, didnīt I??????? I did!
Damn! He is a god without his beard. With it he is just a man.
So all those weeks with him I fucked a man. And I wanted the God...
Oh well. He didnīt turn me on besided that, even though he (accidently? Dont think so..) thouched my breasts a couple of times.
But ofcourse I would not have refussed him. Oh no I wouldnīt have!!
I wish him luck in his new life abroad when heīs going and Iīm glad I knew him.
The weirdest guy in the whole world. And he made me a woman!
Just to bad he sees me as a younger woman who still has to learn a lot and doesnīt know it all yet. He doesnīt see my full size.
Oh well. Within 5 years I will find someone who will. I have to or Iīll get mad from the sexstories my friends tell me.. ;-)
current mood:  melancholy
current music: Beethoven - Pathetique
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| Monday, June 18th, 2001
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9:48 pm - Depression
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I hit another depression, so thatīs why iīm not writing so often anymore, in case you wondered.
Hope Iīll get out of it again soon..
Love, Bee
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| Sunday, June 10th, 2001
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11:30 am - Stupid Fucker
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Did not get sex.
Who īs the biggest asshole in the house??
In spite of it being his birhtday, he could have given me some notice about the pictures!
At least!!
Stupid fucker.
Went to his hometown for nothing. But I saw Racoon..
Cried a moment in the train back home, but it could also have been because I was so damn tired.
Just wake up after 12 hours sleep and am still tired.
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| Tuesday, June 5th, 2001
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10:22 am - Back!
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Yes itīs me, and Iīm back from the I want sex-country.
Still havenīt had any, but there is a small oppurtunity next Saturday.. Iīll keep you posted! ;-)
A lot of interesting things happened lately which Iīm not gonna write down. Itīll be to long then.
Anyway.. I think Iīm back..
current mood: Waiting
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| Thursday, May 24th, 2001
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9:33 pm
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| Sunday, May 20th, 2001
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9:30 pm - Visiting a grave
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This morning I went to the graveyard with my sister, brother in law and 6 year old nephew.
I could practise my once-a-year hobby again: pumping water!!!! It was hard to let Cardy go first.. I practicly pushed him away LOL!
But I helped him to climb a tree. Though he didnīt really dare to get out again.. He was a meter from the ground and I acted like I walked away from him. Yeah I know, but I like teasing him. Thatīs all I do. But he, when I think you are worth the tease, you must mean a big deal to me, for I only tease when I am comfortable and feel secure around you!
Timba (my cat) is liking my fingers, so itīs quite hard to write on..
See you!
current mood:  content
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| Saturday, May 19th, 2001
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11:30 am
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Yesterday I found a dying bird in front of the videostores dore. So I took it in, with fantasyīs of a gratefull bird flying out again.
But it died :-( Poor thing, still a bit downy, so he was young.
Thought about giving it away, (make someone happy with a dead bird..) but I didnīt think that would be nice so I burried it.
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| Wednesday, May 16th, 2001
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11:33 pm - Called Fabian
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Bought myself a new mobile phone today.. Yeah I know..
Itīs an Ericsson, so now I can compose my own ringtones. (..lets do the timewarp again..)
So I called Fabian an hour ago about the pictures.
The conversation:
Me: "With Bee. I.."
Him: "He Bee!" (said as if he spoke to me only yesterday)
Me: "..I donīt like calling you, but I wondered if you had any reason to not sent me the pictures."
Him: "Pictures?"
Me: "Yes pictures."
Him: "What pictures?"
Me: "The ones from the party."
Him: "Pictures from the party?"
Me: "Yes. I asked you to sent them and I still havenīt got them."
Him: "Oh?"
Me: "In my letter."
Him: "..."
Me: "You sent me a letter, right? And then I sent you one in wich I asked for them!"
Turns out he never even read my letter!!!!!!
He got them with some more mail and still hasnīt found the time to open it!! Yeah right!
So he was interested in me, asked me how Iīve been, how work was, did I move already? And told me he was great.
My respons: "Oh. Thatīs good for you."
I was very short in my answers and uninterested in what he had to say.
At one point he said (I canīt remember why) that I could have mailed him, he reads thát..
So I said I didnīt had the urge to do that at all.
Later I remembered his words in his letter to me: "Please do not try to contact me." and "I would appreciate it if you would leave me alone."
SO WHY SHOULD I MAIL HIM???
He was painting somethin during the conversation. I had to guess. "I donīt know." (and donīt care)
Well it was a wheelbarrow. And what colour? "I donīt know." (and donīt care) Black! Who cares!!
So he would try finding the pictures a.s.a.p. and sent them and also would try finding the webcam he promised me.
So I was like: Why on Earth would you wanna sent my your webcam?? Then I remembered: He had not read my letter yet. (I think itīs at March 13th)
So I told him about 5 times to read it. He would he said..
And if he couldnīt find the pictures, he would call me.
So what īs this?? He acted like nothing had happened at all!!!!!
I donīt understand. Do I care to understand?
Would someone pleas give me a clue?????
ANYONE??
current mood: amazed
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| Monday, May 14th, 2001
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11:30 am
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Itīs been some days!
Friday was Ellensī birthday and we went to see īThe Exorcist,ī for she wanted too.
I always said, I never wanted to see that movie, but the day before I saw Stir of Echos, and wasnīt frightend one bit, so I thought I could handle it.
And I did! It wasnīt scary to me at all!! I thought they did an excellent job on the special effects and the kid was very good at mouthing.
Just one thing: Am I right that the spirit of Father K(whatīs his name, the boxer) went into father Dyer?? I believe it did!
Saturday I went to Lila. We sat at the corner of the Leidseplein, and it was quite funny to see the people walk by. It was like we were watching a movie. Without a plot, but we canīt have it all..
Sunday we went to her parents because of Mothersday.
Sheīs got the best parents! Very nice. While me and Lilaīs sister (Pink?) were sitting in the garden to get a tan, they were watching Formula One racing.
After dinner, Lila and I went to see Dungeons and Dragons. Me because of Richard OīBrien, she because she likes Phantasiemovies.
A lot of clicheīs but it was nice.
And then I went home!
Two more days till itīs agreeable to call Fabe..
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| Wednesday, May 9th, 2001
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9:38 pm - Stupid Folks
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Today I sold icecream to a fourty year old woman and her daughter. I almost gave her to less change. I said I wasnīt compleley īthereī lately.
She said, I probably had to get used to the warm weather again.
I said: "Yeah! But that wonīt be an excuse anymore in three months.."
Her respons: "You will have delivered then?"
Me: "Excuse me??" and she repeated her question, no idea she was insulting me.
For God Sake, even her daughter felt it wasnīt right, but the woman had no idea, even when she walked out!
Jesus, Iīm fat, but do I look like iīm six months pregnant??????? I THINK NOT!!!!!!
current mood:  bitchy
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| Tuesday, May 8th, 2001
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11:21 am - Knee
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Last night at work I stood up and suddenly I had a aching pain in my right knee. Donīt kow how I got it, but I still do. How the fuck should I get rit of it!
How did I get it? It feels like something shifted. But I didnīt do anything weird at all.
If I still have this pain tomorrow I might go to the doctor. (Wohoo!)
And people: yes, I dreamt again. This time a very goodlooking man who defeninatly liked me but for some reason (Me too young, to fat or strange hobby) went on with my (in februari married) sister! For God sake, he had such a nice back, but I didnīt know what to say when he showed it with his 6 stiches on it...
Really man, if you read this (...) I loved you!!
Please come in my life!!!
(OK, is this sick or not..)
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| Monday, May 7th, 2001
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11:26 am - Sexdream numero.. eh.. lost the count!
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Ok.. when I FINALLY fell asleep again this morning (Donīt feel guilty Lila! ;-P )
I had a sexdream. Jesus!!
I dreamt I was on the phone with a friend and I honestly donīt know who, when I said, I never had an orgasm with Fabe.
Do you know, that sometimes when you lay in bed, itīs like someone is sitting next to you, cause the blanket is getting tighter around you?
Now thatīs what I felt when I said that, and suddenly īitī went under the blanket and gave me a very good feeling if you know what I mean.. īitī turned into a man. And we had a lot of fun!
I almost came, but didnīt. Thatīs obvious, for I am unable to dream about things I havenīt experienced. Strangly. I must have had very empty dreams as a kid...
Ofcourse I have had orgasmes, but not with someone else I mean.
So after that, we started talking. He had no idea what he was doing there, he came out of the tv (??). I went to the bathroom to take a pee and I met his girlfriend who was in the other room together with my friend who I still donīt know!
He wanted to see me again so appearantly he liked me...
EH.. Why am I so frustrated?! I need a man!
current mood:  good
current music: Radio 3
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11:26 am - Sexdream numero.. eh.. lost the count!
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Ok.. when I FINALLY fell asleep again this morning (Donīt feel guilty Lila! ;-P )
I had a sexdream. Jesus!!
I dreamt I was on the phone with a friend and I honestly donīt know who, when I said, I never had an orgasm with Fabe.
Do you know, that sometimes when you lay in bed, itīs like someone is sitting next to you, cause the blanket is getting tighter around you?
Now thatīs what I felt when I said that, and suddenly īitī went under the blanket and gave me a very good feeling if you know what I mean.. īitī turned into a man. And we had a lot of fun!
I almost came, but didnīt. Thatīs obvious, for I am unable to dream about things I havenīt experienced. Strangly. I must have had very empty dreams as a kid...
Ofcourse I have had orgasmes, but not with someone else I mean.
So after that, we started talking. He had no idea what he was doing there, he came out of the tv (??). I went to the bathroom to take a pee and I met his girlfriend who was in the other room together with my friend who I still donīt know!
He wanted to see me again so appearantly he liked me...
EH.. Why am I so frustrat
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| Sunday, May 6th, 2001
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11:32 am - No Longer!?!?!
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I just found out Fabian is no longer a member of the Rocky Horror Club..
Feels weird. Really weird.
Just last night I sent a mailing around in which I asked (in the p.s.) for the pictures of the party in October.. So he will not receive that..
The weirdes thing is, that he had forgotten his password, so itīs not possible for him to get out of the club unless the provider throughs him out, but they only do that after a year of inactivity.. and it has only been half a year!!
So..
Now I feel like he doesnīt like me anymore.. like he really rejected me! It hurts. Iīm confused.
I can cry over this you know!
I almost get the phone to call him.
Now Iīm mad again. So I shouldnīt call him.
But this is painful. He remembered his password and got out of the club.
But he liked Rocky Horror, he said!! So whatīs this?! Is this personal???
current mood:  confused
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| Friday, May 4th, 2001
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10:16 am - Telephone mysterie
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Last night the strangest thing happened..
My phone rang so I picked it up and I heard Ellen say: "Héllooo!"
So we started talking and it turned out, her phone had rang to!! So we didnīt know who called who..
Isnīt that kinda scary?????
current mood:  sleepy
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horny