love

10:40pm: we come as a package deal
the boys didn't even wake up at 8:45 or os this morning, and i was ready at 8. so we didnt' get going until 9:40 or so. danica picked me up, and john, nathan, and chris were in back. we went to the store to get food. so indecisive. we then got donuts. then we were finally on our way to the beach. the ride there was fun. nathan wouldn't leave danica alone until she turned off the rolling stones and put in air. a 'french band'. anywhoo, we took forever to get parking. then wandered down to the beach house. blah blah blah.
the kemps were there. kelly brought a friend, jordana.
we played monkey in the middle. i was the monkey forever, and i grabbed chris' boob trying to tag him, and i didn't even get him in time.
jack came.
me and danica and kaitlin all scratched/rubbed the guys' backs while they played their nerdy card game. then me and danica joined kelley and jack and worked on them. i put jack to sleep.
kelly didn't know about jack and kelley, and made a comment about tim and kelley in front of jack. i felt tension, and said to kack, "lets go for a walk! come on tim, walk with me." then realized i just called him tim and made the situation worse. i still dragged him outside, though, and he explained his shitty luck with girls. and danica and i tried to make him feel better about his love life. danica's better at such stuff than i am. well, she is better at everything, of course. anyway, jack tried to leave while kelley was inthe shower, but mrs. krueger stopped him and made her get out of the shower to talk to him right away. i really hope we'll still see jack around.
we ate, etc.
the whole way home, the conversation in the car was sooo intense. i am so lucky to already know people that challenge me to think so much. it all started talking about our milkshake, and then went on to masturbation, homosexulaity, religion, existentialism, color perception, love, human needs, listening, and arguing. it was soo great.
although i live for these kinds of conversations with people, i hate the fact that all i ever do is listen. whenever i try to say soemthing i just sound stupid because i lose my train of thought so quickly, like mid-sentence. i never can complete my thoughts when i try to express them verbally. i have such horrible communication skills, and it frustrates me soo much. i know danica knows that about me, but to nathan i bet i sounded sooo stupid and like i was just stating the obvious.. oh well, i don't need to impress nathan, all he ever does is interrupt and belittle. haha, i'm only poking fun. i like nathan. i wouldn't scratch his back for so long if i didn't. but he'll never read this anyway, so it doesn't matter, now does it?
anyway, i'm really tired now. but that was the best car ride ever, and i never wanted it to end. it was so heated and in your face. it was fantastic.
bed time. i have to get up at freakin 5 tomorrow morning. guh.
i'll see you friday maybe, journal. cheerio.

11:55pm: and you can tell everybody..
tonight i went to lyndsey's. we watched moulin rouge together again. she gave me nerdy pictures of moby in high school, and a picture of us. i finally gave her her birthday present. danica dropped by for a bit, also. the movie ended, and i had to come home. she gave me her address in utah. we hugged. and i had to leave right then because if i stayed a second longer she would have seen me start crying, which i did walking down her driveway. and when i got in the car i started bawling. and i cried the whole way home. lyndsey was my favorite person at school, the one i never got sick of, the one i went to for refuge. etc. i'm going to miss her soooo much.

tomorrow i'm going with danica [and co.] to the beach. it'll be fun. i had to beg to get to go. my mom's reasonings, "you have to go to church. when are you gonna pack for the week? you'll have to get up to leave at 6 on monday morning." blah blah blah. but i get to go now, that's all that matters.
i shouldn't have said i would go to catalina on monday. geez, we're leaving at freakin 6 am. that's ridiculous.
at least i will be spending the rest of the week at the beach, and not with my family..

this morning i was listening to radiohead. my dad knocked on my door and asked if everything was allright. i said 'yeah' with a confused look on my face. he said, 'oh, i heard somebody whining in there.' he was referring to the music. he thought it was hilarious. i did not. i muttered bad words under my breath to him as i closed my door.

the end.

11:46pm: and i just can't seem to get enough of...
today was a good tv day.
on classic rock vh1, i saw oingo boingo, aha, and depeche mode vidoes. on vh1 mega hits, the cure was on. on mtv2, colplay. mtv hits, the wiseguys. oh, and on vh1 country, nickel creek.
nickel creek was also on most wanted live on cmt today! lyndsey called me at like 4:30 and said to turn cmt on right then, and i did and it was a commercial, and then she remembered she was watching it three hours early with the dish.. haha. i didn't watch it, but i taped it and will watch the tape later.
lyndsey and i made plans to go to the movies tomorrow night. i'm happy. i'm going to miss her sooo much.
also on tv tonight was biography with al pacino. geezus i love him. i just want to listen to him tell me stories about his life for the rest of my life. i'm sad summer is ending and i won't be home.. i want to have a huge pacino marathon with myself of as many movies of his as i can find and lock myself in my room for as long as it takes to watch them all uninterrupted, but now i won't be able to until like christmas..
i hadn't realized next week is my last week of my precious, beautiful, hot, and lazy summer.. :o( and deanna's moving next weekend. :o( and all the people i liked at school won't be there. they'll all be hours away, meeting new people, while i'll be stuck with the same people i've been with all my life. :o( anyway. i love al pacino.

i watched coldplay's 2$ bill concert again today. i extremely eagerly await next tuesday's release.. coldplay has recently officially joined league with a very short list of honorable musicians, that put me in my place, that make me feel like i'm not here.. that are responsible for the indescribable moments of [my] life.. that make the saddest song to play on the strings of my heart.. and that make me cry every time i listen to them.

10:11pm: and i just happened to have an extra beard in my car..
last night at 11:17 i glanced up from the book i was reading at the picture of al pacino next to my bed. in looked back down at the book, then back to the picture, then frantically i jumped up to see what time it was. only 11:17, thank heaven. i almost had forgotten completely that al pacino was to be on the late show with david letterman. i was too tired to get up to put a tape in the vcr to tape it, though, and when i am tired my judgement is not too reliable. i now regret not taping it, because it was totally rewatchable. al is the cutest [and sexiest] old man in the world. i was laughing my ass off. he's a funny guy. tells good stories. and so on.

so yeah, yesterday i got through the first one-seventh of the fountainhead. only 600 pages more to go.

this morning i went through the agonizing first four or so hours of the bleeding part of my cycle. and my mom decided we had to go to the bank today so i could render my precious first ever pay check to her bank account.. and while waiting in the line there she saw the agony in my eyes, and asked what was the matter. i just moaned. then in the car, about to leave, she asked again as i gripped the door handle with all my might, she asked again. [i never complain to her about cramps. i usually just say i don't feel good, or i have a stomach. i don't like talking to my mom about pretty much anything more than, say, the weather. i'm not sure if she ever knew before that i ever get cramps, since i only do for a couple hours one day every month, and sometimes only every other month.] anyway, i told her i had cramps. she then got one of those looks on her face that she gets. then she told me stories. she began, 'see i never wanted to tell you my stories of the cramps i used to get. ooh, i remember thinking my mom cursed me by telling me her stories. do you want to know?' and i just looked at her and said i didn't care, meaning no. she told me anyway. grandma used to have to ride home on the bus from work in l.a. and throw up out the window because hers were so bad. and my mom used to throw up walking home from school hers were so bad. she remembers when she worked at disneyland she'd have to walk around and throw up in the trash cans. one time it was so bad she puked soooo hard that it really messed up her throat for a loong time.
i'm not one to vomit. i keep it down pretty damn well, and so far, my female reproductive organs have never caused me so much pain i might vomit. i just hope it doesn't get worse as i get older or anything... but i have every other problem my mother has, so if i do ever get that bad, she will die.

well enough of that.

i have been invited to stay with the kruegers again next week at the same beach house as last year, with the same people [the kemps] and everything. how exciting. so i guess i'll be goin down to newport on monday. mom wanted to go to catalina on monday, but only if the weather gets better. [but the way, what the hell has been up lately? i have been using blankets! its august! where is my beloved heat?!?!] so i might go with them to catalina and have them drop me off monday night after, or just not go to catalina..

simone comes out tomorrow!!!!!!!!
yayayayayayyayayyayayayayayayayayayay
i'm excited. soooooooooooo excited.

lyndsey leaves next tuesday. i'm soooooo sad. i MUST see her before.. :o( i still haven't even given her her birthday present.

i found a great website last night that lists songs in commercials. cool jazzy song in lincoln [navigator, etc.] commercials: mr. scruff- get a move on.
google is just sooo amazing.

4:52pm: just- just-- wake up!
waking life is the best movie i have seen since... hmm, since.. i dunno, but it was soooooooooooooooooooooo goooooood. it was beautiful. i love it. soooo goood.

feeding mickey and gunther has been an adventure everyday. kel called me today. they're coming home thursday. anyway, the first day i went over there, i probably looked like i was trying to break in their house. i realized the code for the garage door didn't work to close it, so i had to go do the run and jump thing, but i didn't make it, so i just went in the van and got out the opener in there. and when i was filling their bath, gunther got out of the cage. so when i was going to put it the fresh water back in the cage, i noticed a bird was missing. he was, thankfully, just on top of the cage, but he was stubborn about going back in. so then i taped the cage shut. i was afraid he would get out when no one was there, and i just pictured the house in ruins, scratched furniture and such.. i don't trust that bird. then yesterday they had ants, so i had to rumage around to find the ant spray and then clean them up. then today i just got too disgusted by the bottom of the cage so i cleaned it. oh yeah, and it was a good thing i went in the bathroom to wash my hands on sunday, because someone left the faucet on a tiny bit. tisk tisk.
as i said, kelley called me today. i asked if she was having fun, she said no. and she jamie and kaitlin are complaining nonstop. its nice to know other families have bad family vacations that no one wants to go on. now i have proof mine isn't the only one.

al pacino is going to be on david letterman tomorrow night. watch it. or die.

mr. cushman is my animation teacher. i realllly hope me and mr. loson have a class together. i was sad i didn't see him this morning.

i am happy right now. waking life inspired me. it was brilliant.

12:05am: i prefer mickey over gunther.
okay. i'm finally bored enough to write in my journal again.

friday-
as i said before, i saw the dixie chicks in hollywood. during the day, nick and i meandered around hollywood & highland. we got shakes at coldstone, and sat down for a while. while sitting enjoying my chocolatey goodness, i saw two people who were dressed really bad, and thought to myself, they must be foreign. you can just tell with foreigners' clothes. then they started speaking french. it was cool.
at about 4:30, we were about the fortieth-ish people in line with red-orange wrist bands on, hoping to be let inside in about an hour and a half, to see see the dixie chicks, for free. an hour or so later, a man announced that forty more seats were just made available for purchase. although our place in line pretty much guaranteed our entrance [for free], nick went and bought two tickets for us. the fellow in front of us, a friendly, chatty man, about 5'5" tall, who will turn 35 next month, decked out in his cowboy gear, also purchased tickets. once we got in, we spotted him and his companion, an older man, less talkative and less cowboy. we stood around, and i stared at a reallly hot guy, and then we were finally let in. we sat down, the back row of the floor section, row q, seats 14 and 15. then nick said, "it'd be funny if those two guys from in line sat next to us." and about two minutes later, the four of us chuckled when we did indeed end up sitting next to each other.
while all the cameras and such were getting positioned, and all the seat fillers were being sat, norah jones was on. it was great.
finally they came on, forty or so minutes late, i think. first was 'long time gone' and then shorter man next to me was standing on his seat, bouncing around, singing along, etc. and he did the entire concert. it was the most hysterical thing i've ever witnessed. then they played the soldier song and 'landslide', and i was very happy.. i still like the smashing pumpkins doing 'landlside' more than them, but eh.
the last song they played from their new album was fantastic. an little orchestra came out. by the end of the song, i felt sooo amazing.. i was just sitting there, and i was like.. sucked into a portal. i was in a different world. then it was just me and the song and the people playing the song.. and a tube connecting us, and everyone else was on the outside. i could never describe what it was like, but it was.. wow. i just felt like i was breathing the cleanest air, and i couldn't get enough of it because the air tasted so good, so all i wanted to do was breathe. i was even paying attention to the lyrics until the end, but i was sucked into the song and i couldn't control anything.
music does that to me. and that's why i love music so much.
then they played 'wide open spaces', 'goodbye earl', 'cowboy take me away', and 'sin wagon' [i'm not sure that's the name, but whatever]. when they played 'take me away', i realized how much i love that song and i just made me feel great.. but then i came home and listened to it and it wasn't the same. there was just something about it when they played it live, i guess, that made me reallly 'feel' it.

now i can't remember what i did saturday.. oh well.

yesterday, we went to grandma's. deanna called while we were there, and told me to come to her dad's once i got home, so the three of us could hang out. and i got to see katie and laura for the first time in forever. we watched jay and silent bob strike back. i didn't like it, but that's just me. jess went to bed early.. silly girl needs too much sleep. i guess i can let it slide since its band camp, though. me and deanna just watched tv for a couple hours, then slept. i had to starngest dream. hard to explain, so i won't try.
today me and deanna went to barnes and noble. she's funny. she loves reading. i don't have a good enough attention span to read all the time like her. anyway, then she got something at starbucks. the worker guy there was the coolest guy int he world. sooo friendly and happy and enthusiastic and fabulous. i had the hugest smile on my face for a long time after that because he was so happy that it made me happy.
then we drove around for a while because i brought my paris combo cd for her to listen to. and i wore my hat. i was so happy to finally get to share paris combo with soemone! while driving, deanna taught me italian. i know how to conjugate the verbs 'to be' and 'have' for all the subjects, and how to say 'two brothers.' i don't remember any of the other stuff. and by tomorrow i'll forget it all. it was fun anyway, though.

i like the guy who works at videotron and wears jets to brazil and pedro the lion shirts. not because he wears those shirts, since i don't listen to either of those bands [people? i dunno], but i refer to him by those shirts so kel knows who i'm talking about and its just become a habit. he's funny. i like that i always rent movies when he's working. he embarassed himself today and laughed uncomfortably and it was cute. i like him. he has a kind face.
anyway.. yeah, i rented being john malkovich [which was sooo cool and awesome, i loved it], donnie darko [again], and the waking life. i haven't watched the waking life yet. deanna told me about it today, and it sounded good to me.. so i think now i will go watch it.

i get to pick up my schedule tomorrow morning. how exciting.

12:02am: cowboy take me away
today i went to hollywood. i love hollywood. i also love los angeles. simply put, i LOOVE southern california's entertainment capitals. i love the entertainment industry, filth and all.
tonight i saw the dixie chicks play in the kodak theatre. it was a taping for an nbc special which will air in early december. it was fun. they played their new album, and the last song from it made me feel amazing. then they played a couple old songs. then we came home.
i'm not in the mood to write the details of it right now. i will write more about it at a later time. it deserves a detailed journal entry. but not now.

1:32am: its foreign on this side
yay. nickel creek video just on. yay. love. yay. love.

yesterday morning i went out with deanna. she had to do a little shopping and go tell her manager she needs all of next week off work and blah blah. it was fun. she talks about how she's in love with bill most of the time now. then we went back to her mom's and made lunch. then she took me to pick up my pay check. i got 367.78. only 1539.22 more to go.
last night i went with kel, nathan, john, and andrew and amy to outback steakhouse for dinner. haha, i went to outback. anyway, it was fun fun fun. i ate about as much as i always eat [which is not much] of something i knew i wouldn't like when i ordered it [because i hate alfredo sauce and it was like fetuccini alfredo or something]. when our server chick was getting all our plates and giving us our check, she asked me if i wanted a box to take it home because there was a lot left, but i said no because i never eat leftovers anyway. then she persisted in asking if i liked it at all, asked what about it i didn't like, and assured me i should have said something and she would have gotten me something different. then she took our check back and took my dinner off the bill. so i ate as much as i always do, but this time for free. it was the coolest thing ever cos it would have been like $12.
when kel and i were driving back to her house, we ran into [not literally, like when lyndsey actually ran into brad that one time.. ahaha..] lyndesy on the road, and she said to go to her house. so we did. i love her family. we stayed there a bit, then went to the coffee bean, where they ate fat free strawberry cheesecake that made me wanna puke, and then we went to ampm and got icees. it was fun. i have missed lyndsey sooooo much.

now that chris is turning kerri catholic, we all have to be by the book perfect little catholics and go to church not just every sunday, but all the holy days, which we never went to church on before.. so this morning we all had to get up and go to church. my head felt like there was a screwdriver in the back of it. too early for sara on a summer morning. the first digit on the clock was 7 for pete's sake. i am in summer mode. guh. from church we went to my grandma's. and we painted the inside of her house allllll day. i took two naps. carolyn was there, too, and she had an arturo sandoval cd to give me. she always gives me stuff. later in the night she founf a hat she had bought in england in one of the closets, and gave that to me, too. i'm gonna wear it all the time now, and think of jeff cos the hat he was wearing at danica's was a lot like it but different colors. and his dad bought his in england, but it was made in scotland, and my aunt bought this one in england, but it was made in ireland. i think its a close enough connection for me and jeff to make out now. haha. i'm funny.

MOBY IS ON RIGHT NOW. yayayayayayay. loooooove. yay. love. yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. loooooooooooooooooooooooove.

tomorrow nick wants me to go with him to hollywood to try to get to see the dixie chicks. they're letting a few hundred people in 'off the streets' to some taping for nbc and he reallllly wants to go. it starts at 7:30, but they'll have everyone in at 6, but they start picking people to go in at 2. sooo... i'm gonna have to stand around for hours tomorrow if we go.. bleh, i hate standing. i feel sorry for him that i'm the only person he could even ask to go with him.

wow, long and pretty boring entry.

11:46pm: baby when i heard you for the first time i knew..
don't hate me, but i love kylie minogue's newest single..

well. i have no idea what happened. but i WILL go to area3.
oh man, there better freakin be an area3.. and moby will keep touring and playing three hour shows and i WILL see him someday. so its okay.

hahahaha, i think i just freaked rick out or something.. oops. i guess i should not use either of those words? hahahahahaha.

the jesster mailed me back. man. i got a kick out of it.

oh yeah, so i guess i was supposed to pick my pay check up on saturday. haha. oops. i'll get it tomorrow.
me and deanna are hanging out. yay.
i need to call lyndsey tomorrow also.

i had a dream moby saw me sitting at a table outside church and sat down and started talking to me. it was cool.
and i want this shirt.
>>>>

1:46am: virtual insanity
google is amazing.

i have no idea what's going on. this makes me sad.

i had a dream last night.. it was soo nice. but then i woke up.
i was so happy, but joy in this life seldom lasts

chris thile is one sexy mandolin player. i swear.. i get all swoony whenever i see the video for the lighthouse's tale.. his hair's all down and soft-looking and he's all scruffy and heasn't shaved. its so beautiful. i can't begin to describe.. i just want to stare at him like that for the rest of my life.
anyway.

i'm beginning to actually like beards, and like, not be kidding when i say it. what the hell is wrong with me? i joke about these things, and then i begin to really believe them and stuff.. first with the bald heads, now beards.
hmm, if moby had a beard i would be in trouble.
again, anyway.

my neck sucks and hurts.

i wish my dreams would come true, cos that one last night was reaaalllly good.


okay, come on, how can you not think he's sexy?

1:35am: i dare anyone to tell me that is not beautiful.
i love moby.
if i could spend the rest of my life with him or someone just as great [as he appears to be to me], i would be nothing but euphoric every second of every day.
i love moby.
senor moby's house of music should be a regular program. the rareness of its broadcasting is upsetting. there should be a channel devoted to him. nothing but him and his music all the time, nonstop, everyday.
i love moby.

you know who else i love? coldplay. that guy does not stay still when he is palying music. it is fantastic. they were on earlier, before the moby-fest began, and it was wonderful watching him bounce on the stool while playing piano, and jump around stage, and sing his heart out.. simply marvelous.

while on the subject of people i love, i also love peter weidman, and am very happy to be talking to him at the moment..

i'm just a big bundle of love right now. seeing moby does that to me..

1:49am: the future is coming on
'owiry'bniny3'
i can't sleep. my mind is too full of happy thoughts that i don't want to go away.

i forgot to mention the funniest part of the night.
danica needed help taking a chair downstairs, although it was really light. i was holding one arm of it and she was in front of me going down first, pretty much carrying it herself. one of the wheels kept hitting my foot everytime i went another step down, so i tried to grab another part of it, but somehow slipped and ending up sliding down the stairs.
the end.

12:17am: livin from a tip jar, sleepin in my car, [somethin] my guitar, yeah i'm gonna be a star
i just had like, the greatest night. i'm actually glad now that i couldn't go to the show.. danica's party was soo much fun.
recap-
i got there, and i didn't really know anyone there, and danica made everyone introduce themself to me. it was a bit awkward, but ah well, it turned out for the best.
after maybe a half hour, i ventured into nathan's music room. for about an hour, we talked music. well, ryan [zoinks/screech/whatever] joined us after about ten minutes, and him and nathan talked music and i listened. it was soo great. i learned a lot. nathan gave me some electronica direction. he said something like, 'its like an illiterate person wouldn't know the difference between english or spanish or german. to them its just a bunch of letters. its the same with like trance. people use the word trance without really knowing what they're talking about. you just gotta learn to read music.' it was great. he is soo cool. AND.. the greatest thing our discussion gave rise to.. he has been looking for someone to go with to area2!!! larry said he'd like to, and mrs. lomeli told me she would drive us and everything.. so i think my parents will lllet me go with them! i might go to area2!!!!!!!! i reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyy hope we do... my life would be perfect.
well back to the recap. when i finally left nathan's room, i opened the door, and who was standing right in front of me? oli! it was great. he looked in nathan's room, and was like 'that is sooo bad' and called into the kitchen for some fella named jeff to come see it. and i gotta say, it was like love at first sight or something. he was sooo cute. had the glasses and hat and socks and shoes i all love. and even without all of that, he'd still be cute.
we played charades later. me, oli, jeff, amelia, and a girl named amber i think who came with jeff and oli. it kida sucked on my first turn when i got 'sexy' and didn't know what to do. they started guessing supermodel and stuff like that, then time ran out. but we still won so it was alllright.
then we went out back and played a little ping pong and ate cherries and tried to tie the stems in knots. yes, it was kinda lame, but thoroughly entertaining. jeff did it first. then when oli and danica couldn't do it, i had to see if i could. it took a few minutes, but i got it really good. it was the first time i did it, and jeff said it was 'incredibly good' and only said ambers was 'good'. then i wanted to make out with him.. err, i mean...
then more stuff happened.. talked to 'the guys.' danced with danica. etc.
hmm.. then we ended up back in nathan's room, where the one guy who likes weezer a lot invaded his space and made him put depressing music on. but it was okay because me and jeff chatted and it was fun. but then they left, and oli gave me a hug, and jeff said hopefully we'd see each other again [which was a disappointing good bye, cos i kinda hoped for a little more enthusiasm to make sure we'd see each other again] and i smiled really big as they left the room.. really, next time i see oli i gotta tell him to hook me up with jeff..
then it was time for me to leave, and i told danica my thoughts on jeff and she said she'd hook it up.. he was so cool and fun and laid-back and hilarious, and cute.. then for the millionth time we established the fact that oli is too perfect looking and he knows it.. and its just not good... he knows he could have any woman in the world in a second.. at least he doesn't take advantage of his sexiness. then she said, as i was getting in the car, she'll make sure nathan gets me a ticket for area2 if he gets them. eeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! sooooooo haaappyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!
now i'm home and really hoping i see jeff again soon and reallllly hoping i go to area2..

tomorrow we're goin to grandma's for carolyn's birthday. i hope deanna doesn't have to work. tonight was such a good night i have to tell it to both her and jess.

9:22pm: saturday high
On August 12th, you can meet Moby and other Area2 artists at the Wherehouse store on La Cienega Blvd.(Beverly Connection) in Los Angeles.
This will be a special Area2 event. Ash will perform and DJ Dan and DJ Tiesto will spin!
Please check with Wherehouse for specific details, space is limited.


hmmmmm...


in other news, i went to san diego.
the zoo yesterday. i hate zoos. but it was okay. i like when i exchange smiles with attractive fellas.. i also like icees.
today i went on some lame boat for a couple hours. i fell alseep in the most uncomfortable position, freezing to death, rocking back and forth because i was on a boat.. [and etc. with the non-ideal conditions] but i think i was onl asleep like fifteen minutes.. some really loud little planes flew right over and woke me up. i'm not a big fan of boats. i do like semi young and cute captains with short bristly beards, though..
then i walked around the lighthouse at good ol' point loma.. and then waltzed around balboa park.
the trip seemed incomplete without me ending up yelling with tears streaming down my face for some reason or another. ah well. there's always next time. i guess its good the mini-vacation was incident-free. that's not to say i had a good time.. i had a pretty bad time, i just didn't let everyone know that every ten mimnutes like usual. i guess i've learned to bite my tongue a little better.
oh man i'm funnnny.

i am torn. i do not know what to do... do i go see melee? or go to danica's party? hmm.. :\
i will ponder this question all day tomorrow while my family is at california adventure, and i'm here all alone in peace. ahhh.. peace...

11:21pm: my chapstick has been found
i went to bed at about 9 last night with a headache in an unhappy mood. i have been unhappy far too much lately. at least i'm not right now..

deanna picked me up this afternoon. we went to her dad's. swam. talked. it was nice. i love her. she told me she thinks she's in love with bill. it made me happy. because she's happy and excited, and i can tell.. its beautiful.
she also let me vent a bit about my family. it made me fell a little better..

i got lord of the rings today. i'm sooo happy.

i went to the kruegers for a little bit tonight. it was funny.. when i got there, jamie laughed and said, "you over here like every day now. you're like the new recsie." haha. good times.
then mrs. krueger and kel and i went to see the famous 'grandpa' and i met him finally. nice man. gave me a hug right away. and when we left he gave me a fortune cookie. my fortune: you are creative and people can relate to you. that's not really a fortune, though, is it? anyway, it was cool. and he was very nice.
then we went to savon. and then the starbucks in albertsons. and i got my zen tea. mmmmmmmmmmm.

tomorrow morning kelley's off to washington. i'm happy for her. she'll have a blast. she's been so excited. and its finally here.
and we are off to san diego.. uhh. at least kerri's coming. i'm glad about that. her presence always makes things more bearable. i still would've rather stayed home, but whatever.

4:14pm: but still.. coming home from every vacation, we are getting on a plane to hawaii, so its not so bad
just in time yesterday, kelley called me and asked me to come over. she saved from what could have been a potentially boring night by myself as everyone in my family had somewhere to go but me..
so i went to the kruegers, where the food is always great..
dennis told me and kel about hawaii. it was torture. i can't believe brendan would complain so much as he did before. at least he finally started realize is ain't that great here and he should be happy to live there. five minute walk to the beach, with water clearer than the pool, perfect weather all year, turtles you can grad onto while they swim by... i would be in heaven. and they have prom on the beach. man, i would actually go if our's was on the beach..
me and kel and brendan watched some reallly sad thing about child beauty contests, while jamie and layla made out in the other room... anyway, seeing how those mothers treated their children was horrible.
later on we went swimming. recsie and brendan kept splashing me. bastards.
then we got out. kel talked to rick and said things that made me kick her. watched a little road trip. slept.
brendan and dennis and chris left this afternoon. well, i won't see them again, so they left to me, but they aren't going home until tomorrow. anyway, gave 'em all a hug and said goodbye. such nice folks, they are.. dennis is so cool. he's definitely a krueger.
i mean, as much of a jerk brendan is, and as cruel and heartless he could be, i can't help but find him like-able. [?]
he pointed out every flaw on my face today. but i couldn't help just laughing.

lyndsey emailed me. and it made me soo sad, because everything she said was everything i've been thinking about regarding her lately. :o( i'm gonna call her tomorrow. i miss her terribly. i still haven't even given her her birthday present. she's leaving in three weeks and one day now. man... :o(

11:06pm: a little less conversation
thursday- went to kruegers. kel, kaitlin, brendan and i walked to the park. i saw clint taking out the trash at his house on our way and said hi. oh yeah, neige came, too. kevin king's sister came over. i miss kevin. we watched the royal tenanbaums. my mother called there at 11:15, angry. she was really angry, and she really did not have just cause to be, but she's been such a bitch the past couple weeks that i don't know why it surprised me. anyway it made me start crying as i left to came home, where my mother and i got in a an argument over these rules she's just been pulling out of her ass lately that are as ridiculous as my father's and have absolutely no logical reasoning. he seems to be rubbing off on her more and more lately. that is in no way good.
friday- went to kruegers. kelley and i rented amelie. i had to leave before it was even over. had to be home for dinner... spent the rest of the night alone in my room. listening to coldplay, in the dark.
this morning- i watched vh1. i love fresh, and this morning i particularly enjoyed their top twenty countdown because they talked with david bowie and moby on the area2 festival. my father did not know who moby was until this morning. i will know who the people my children love are, especially if they talk about them as much as i talk about moby. i love moby more than my father, yes. but he had no idea moby even existed until this morning.
we went to grandma's today. carolyn was there. we watched ocean's eleven. we played scategories. my mother scratched my nose while getting in the car. it bled. it stings.
i stared her down for the longest time i ever have wednesday night. last night she told me she's going to start having nightmares again if i keep looking at her like that. when she says such things i feel guilty for a few minutes. then i forget about it, until the next time she makes me so angry all i can do is stare and she tries to make me laugh or smile but fails horribly. then i feel guilty again, because i am making her life as miserable as mine. but she will never listen or leave me alone.
my father is the most ignorant, paranoid, self-centered, stubborn asshole i have ever met. he doesn't want me to be unhappy, but he keeps me from doing the things and going the places that will make me happy. and everytime he opens his mouth and makes one of his rude and uneducated remarks that he thinks are funny i want to sock him in the face and break his goddam glasses.
my mother never listens, she complains nonstop, and she is the only person who seems to hate it here as much as i do. and she will never just leave me alone.


the past few days i have felt more lonely than i ever have before in my life.
my eyes have been glowing quite often, and my nose has been a slightly darker shade of red.
my yearning to just run, leave, and never come back has grown more and become stronger than i ever thought possible.

it was decided today [by people other than me] that next saturday we will celebrate carolyn's birthday. this means that my chances of going to the one thing i have been looking forward to more than words can describe have become quite slim.


oh and i don't have a soul to save
yes and i sin every single day

4:31pm: ou et quand?
she amuses herself with silly questions, such as 'how many couples are having an orgasm at this very moment?' quinze.
she loves the way he handles each endive so carefully.
she tortures the heartless man. even artichokes have hearts.
playing silly games, to make others smile.
she will fix their lives, but who will fix hers?
she lives in a dream world, letting the real world pass her by. she continues to fantasize, knowing the consequences, and regretting letting him go each time she does. but she continues to only fantasize.
while her lonliness becomes more and more evident with each passing day.
she lived in solitude for so long. it used to suit her well.. not any more.
but he was at her door. and they rode through the town together.


i'm still waiting for my nino.. but i'd prefer one who didn't work in a porn shop.

10:23pm: he trapped those miners and is from the dirty south, but at least he has faith in me
my brother is converting his girlfriend. i assume so he can marry her someday, in a church and like a good little catholic.. just bringing her to church every sunday isn't enough... now he's taking her to the rcia or whatever it is, so she'll reealllly be catholic.
i have not goone to church in three weeks. my mom told him he should have taken me to the meeting tonight, so i could learn a thing or two. and she called me a heathen. but i just laughed just like every time, cos the whole heath thing, it being our last name and all.. ahhh, good times.
anyway, he's converting her. and i'm not so sure what i think of it..
hmm, that brings me to my next topic. i have decided on a major. i think so, anyway.. religious studies. it interests me enough to take for a test drive as a freshman, and it'd be the perfect way for me to find something to believe in.

i got to read sideways stories from wayside school with the little ones at 'work' today. it was great. those were my favorite books when i was a little one like them.
then i came home and had a really amusing conversation with rick.
then i took a nap.
then kelley came over and i realized how disgusting and messy my room has gotten.
then i took a shower, and ate.
then watched gilmore girls and other stuff.
and now here i am, thinking about how i said i wasn't going to have journal entries that just say what i do everyday.. but that's still pretty much all i ever write about. haha, silly me.

11:35am: no one likes to be let down
i've heard this song on the radio almost everyday for the past week. and everytime it comes on, i get a feeling in my stomach. sometimes i feel like crying, other times i'll shed a tear or two, and yesterday it made me straight out start bawling while driving down spruce. it reminds me of someone everytime i hear it.. it really gets to me and makes me think of him and wonder why i have never really been able to figure out and admit just how i feel about him. and it really is such a beautiful song...

Flake:

I know she said it's alright
But you can make it up next time
I know she knows it's not right
There ain't no use in lying
Maybe she thinks I know something
Maybe maybe she thinks its fine
Maybe she knows something I don't
I'm so, I'm so tired, I'm so tired of trying

It seems to me that maybe
It pretty much always means no
So don't tell me you might just let it go
And often times we're lazy
It seems to stand in my way
Cause no one no not no one
Likes to be let down

I know she loves the sunrise
No longer sees it with her sleeping eyes
And I know that when she said she's gonna try
Well it might not work because of other ties and
I know she usually has some other ties
And I wouldn't want to break 'em, nah, I wouldn't want to break 'em
Maybe she'll help me to untie this but
Until then well, I'm gonna have to lie too

It seems to me that maybe
It pretty much always means no
So don't tell me you might just let it go
And often times we're lazy
It seems to stand in my way
Cause no one no not no one
Likes to be let down
It seems to me that maybe
It pretty much always means no
So don't tell me you might just let it go

The harder that you try baby, the further you'll fall
Even with all the money in the whole wide world
Please please please don't pass me
Please please please don't pass me
Please please please don't pass me by

Everything you know about me now baby you gonna have to change
You gonna have to call it by a brand new name
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me down

Just like a tree down by the water baby I shall not move
Even after all the silly things you do
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me down

11:34am: to know i carry you this smile..
aaaaaaaaaaahe'toinaw'40ib6u'pa9i4wun'piunhhhhhhhhhhhhh
here i was, thinking he was sick of my constant praise or something.. i said i was done with him after he didn't respond to my last email..

what i said:
so its about midnight and i'm sitting here thinking about what i did last night. i went to this really great concert at this lovely little place called chain reaction. a lot of really fun bands played. this one band in particular really got my attention, though. their name is melee. beyond great music. and they have such great energy when they're on stage. i have never heard a single comment about them that wasn't of praise. everyone just loves them, and i totally see why. what more could you ask for? they're nice, sweet, talented, cute guys. i mean, i wish girls what write my name in a heart on a white tee shirt.. [actually that right there's a lie..] girls do that for these melee fellas anyway. i bet they could have a different girl to lay them every night if they wanted. standing in a crowd among these gawking girls, i hear a lot of talking. and what's great is how much of this talk is about how cute this rick guy is. everyone just has such nice things to say about him. its sweet, really. makes me wanna talk to him even.. but i try to resist the groupie-like temptations, especially when i would have to introduce myself by my screen name. [you see, not much else could make me more of a nerd than doing that, and i try to deny what a loser i am as much as possible. "hi, i'm that weirdo that says weird crap to you online." i dunno, it just sounds kinda lame to me..] so i just walk right by him and think to myself, 'aww, he is pretty damn cute..' just like everyone says. but anyway, to the point of my silly story. i wonder if these characters in melee reeealllly know what people think of them. i sure hope they do, because in all my encounters with people who know of melee everyone has always only had the nicest, most encouraging things to say. so now i'm going to click the send button to make sure at least one of them knows..
okay i'm done now.. :o)

see, i thought that was pretty nice. i sent it hoping it would bring a smile to his face. and i was expecting at least a simple 'thanks' because he's nice enough to always reply. but nothing ever came.. so i actually eventually just shrugged it off, and said i was over him or something...
then i get online. today, july 29 [seventeen days after sending the above mail], i check my mail. who has sent me something? none other than the dearest rick sanberg. the sweet riobrasilia, the only name i ever really get excited to see.

his reply:
Hi
thank you so much for the email
it was honeslty the nicest group of words ever put together in the history of things said to me! times have been a lil hard lately so its really been great to hear somethign so sincere as what you had to say. sorry for taking so long to respond to you but ive seriously been racking my mind of what to say to such a nice email, cuz i just feel nothing i say will be well deserved for what you wrote to me, but i just cant think of words perfect enough , except for thank you sooooo much:O) with a smiley face of course! anyway, say hi next time please, i remember you and stuff...like the time from the glasshouse october 5th!? eha? remember/! hmm anyway i know what you mean about all the screen name stuff... but its ok, cuz i m always online and i love that so who cares! and if youre a dork then im a dork too! the biggest dork of em all haha. a sick one too actually, for over a week:O( so i gotta hit the bed, but i know i had to emial you back sooner than later, regardless of finding the right thankyou to say!
thank you
rick

dear god i love that boy.
my day has been made.
now i'm gonna go have a melee-listening fest.
and i don't care if i have to go alone, but i will be at the glasshouse august 10..

8:55pm: dougie!
friday-
it was my mom's birthday. we just went to mimi's for dinner. brooke was our server, though, so it made me soooo happy! i miss brooke. such a sweet girl.. although she did mix up nick and kerri's drinks, and gave me fries instead of fruit. i still love her.
then i went to hang out with kel. jack and spencer came over, too. and of course brendan and recsie were there. we watched robin williams' stand up.. wow. i had to cover my eyes at the end it was SOO bad, and i was istting there watching it with jakc, ralph, brendan and his dad, dennis.. and dennis told me to open my eyes, so i could see the extreme.. vulgarity.. uhh. it was bad, but freakin hilarious. then we watched the royal tenanbaums. then everyone left and me and kelley started watching ma vie en rose, but i was falling asleep.
saturday-
i came home from the kruegers, took a shower, and deanna came and picked me up. we then went to pasadena, got semi-lost on the way, and picked jess up from her class at art center. then we went to old town. as we were walking into the kitchen, across the street jess pointed out a guy on a skateboard. it was the guy from urban outfitters the last time we went there! it was soooo funny. then we ate and that garlic cheese bread made me moan it was sooo good. then we got tickets for austin powers in goldmember, and then walked around for a while. i bought two magazines with moby in them and a book for jamie. i just had to, just because of the title. then we went and watched the movie. oooh man, it was great. nonstop laughs. sooooooooo funnny! then we came home, and made up songs and it was just good good times. we stopped by here so i could pick up clothes, then went to rosy's and watched mad tv. then i fell asleep on the couch.
sunday-
jess and i watched spongebob, invader zim, and even stevens this morning. then we all went to dave's for jessie's birthday. i decided i'm calling her jessie again. dave made a cool little old fashioned gas station in front of the back garage. it is soooo cool!! he even has an old coke bottle machine! we palyed around there, we ate candy, layed around, played with maui and tj, and played super-hero/villain some more. we finally got a name for me. i'm brighid red. and my 'real' name is bri o'brien. at least its settled now. sure its kinda lame. oh well.

just got home a bit ago.
we're going to san diego for a night next wednesday. do we ever go anywhere other than san diego? no. do they know how much i hate it? yes. do they care? no, but they'll get mad at me for being mad at them for not caring what i have to ever say.
they bought the ugliest fucking lamp i have ever seen.
there has been no sourdough bread in this house for the past three days and my mother went to the store this morning and didn't buy any. then she tried to blame me for not being home to remind her.
my mother told me to try some new face lotion yesterday, assuring me it would be okay, and it has made my face get all sick and bumpy like that other shit did a couple months ago.
anger.

1:10pm: try to run, try to hide
how exciting. i just got my real license and passport in the mail, on the same day! woo. i'm cool.

tonight we are going out to dinner for my mom's birthday.
tomorrow deanna and jess and i are going to eat at the kitchen and see goldmember for jess' birthday.
sunday we are going to dave's for jess' [and my mom's? not sure..] birthday[s?].

he still waves everyday, says hi and good morning and looks at me in a way i can't explain, but it really is starting to crepp me out a little. i mean, if it were just the friendly stranger-like waves and smiles and hellos i wouldn't mind at all; i'd think he was just a really nice friendly elementary school teacher. but there's just something in his eyes that makes me think he's a weirdo that's a really bad dresser and a wanna be australian or something. uh, yeah.

i am DYING. i NEEEEEEED new music. i have listened to the same song by the doors over and over because i'm really in the mood to listen to them, but that's the ONLY song i have by them. and i keep having to listen to californication because i still don't have by the way because i have no money, and its all just driving me insane.
there was a linkin park remix on kroq earlier, and i'm sad to say that i LOVED it.
i want old moby cds. with 'go' because i love that song but my family's sick enough of me watching him play that song over and over on the dvd, and i'm sick of listening to them tell me how shameful it is that i love him so much..
yup, i'm dyyyyyyyyyyying here.

9:31pm: ani lyrics
~revelling
and everything seems to have gone terribly wrong that can
but one breath at a time is an acceptable plan
she tells herself
and the air is still there
and this morning it's even breathable
and for a second the relief is unbelievable
and she's a heavy sack of flour sifted
her burden lifted
she's full of clean wind for one lean moment
and then she's trapped again
reverted
caged and contorted
with no way to get free
her whole life is a long list of what ifs
and she doesn't even know where to begin
and, you know, she never had much of a chance
born into a family built like an avalanche

there's a smorgasbord of unspoken poisons
a whole childhood of potions
that are all bottled up
and so one by one i am dusting off labels
i am uncorking bottles and filling up cups
so go ahead and have a taste of your own medicine
and i'll have a taste of mine
but first let's toast to the lists
that we hold in our fists
of the things that we promise to do
differently next time

i never thought i'd see the day when i would say i give up
and break the stallions of my wildest expectations
desire drags me right out of myself
a gas-soaked rope tied to a piece of coal
and i'm getting pretty good at looking at the bright side
while the flames rip along the sand and swallow me whole

~reckoning
and you know it's all around you
but it's hard to point and say "there"
so you just sit on your hands
and quietly contemplate
your next bold move
the next thing you're gonna need to prove
to yourself
you want to track each trickle
back to its source
and then scream up the faucet
'til your face is hoarse
cuz you're surrounded by a world's worth
of things you just can't excuse
but you've got the hard cough of a chain smoker
and you're at the arctic circle playing strip poker
and it's getting colder and colder
everytime you lose

who's gonna give a shit
who's gonna take the call
when you find out that the road ahead
is painted on a wall
and you're turned up to top volume
and you're just sitting there in pause
with your feral little secret
scratching at you with its claws
and you're trying hard to figure out
just exactly how you feel
before you end up parked and sobbing
forehead on the steering wheel
who are you now
and who were you then
that you thought somehow
you could just pretend
that you could figure it all out
the mathematics of regret
how many times undone
can one person be
as they're careening through the facade
of their favorite fantasy
and when inspiration finally hits you
it barely even breaks your fall
who were you then
and who are you
now that you can't pretend
that you can figure it all out
subtract out the impact
and the fall is all you get

and i've been frantically piling up sandbags
against the flood waters of fatigue and insecurity
so here i am at my most hungry
and here i am at my most full

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore
and what can i say
but i'm wired this way

so we're led by denial like lambs to the slaughter
serving empires of style and carbonated sugar water
and the old farm road's a four-lane that leads to the mall
and our dreams are all guillotines waiting to fall

so she built a skyscraper of procrastination
and then she leaned out the twenty-fifth floor window
of her reply
and she felt like an actress
just reading her lines
she's choking on the smoke
of unthinkable choices
she is haunted by the voices
of so many desires
she's bent over from the business
of begging forgiveness
while frantically running around
putting out fires

and though i love you through all time and space
my love always seems to take second place

8:10pm: another day
last night my mom kinda yelled at me and asked why i keep going to the kruegers every night. then i went over to the kruegers. on the way there, that song that goes "i'll be here awhile. ain't goin nowhere" came on the radio. at the end it just repeats that over and over. and listening to it, i just started sobbing outta nowhere. aide saw that i was crying when i got there. huh.
i felt soooo horrible for mrs. krueger last night. the poor woman should be able to come home to a peaceful house and relax. :o( i felt soo sorry for contributing to the disturbance.
kel and aide watched my life in pink. it was in french, and just watching the first two minutes got me too down to watch anymore so i went downstairs and sat by myself and got teary eyed again. then the guys went to rent movies, and jame asked me if i wanted to come. i did. and they cheered me up. then we watched the others. bad movie. then i came home late and my mom just gave me that look.

today nick threw a tantrum like a two year old. he was looking in the refridgerator for something to eat, but was pounding his head on the freezer while doing so. then he got a full bag of pretzels and threw it across the kitchen and they went everywhere. i couldn't handle being at home anymore, so i said i was going to buy my mom a birthday present so they'd let me drive. i figured i'd have to come back witha bag in my hand since i said i was going to get her something, so i really did end up getting her something, which i wasn't intending to do. some rock n roll history pop up book thing and a gift certificate to barnes and noble. she'll probably get nothing meaningful from anyone. sucks for her, but i haven't been too caring lately.
i then went to the kruegers again. only the mister and jamie were there. i hung out with jamie for a bit. it was very nice. i love him so dearly. he finally has begun hugging me again as if i am his friend. hm, that sounds kinda weird.. rephrase:i'm happy we're kinda getting closer again. then they left and i was there alone. then kel got home, and then brendan and his parents. you can infer from the previous sentence that his parents are now here and i met them today. nice folks. i rambled for a bit about how frustrated i am with all the weirdos and occurances in my family lately. various other people came and went. kelley took a nap and i told brendan to entertain me. he failed. layla and her sister came over and made the guys make a dismissed-like little movie with her. it was... interesting. then i came home.

i saw moby's new video today. god bless that man. i will declare my love for him for the millionth time now. i love moby. i would rather have him than brad pitt any day, thanks brendan.
i heard a song on 91x earlier. i loved it, and must find out who it was and what its name is and listen to it countless times because its beat was perfect and dancable [?]. yeah...