Thursday, February 21st, 2002
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8:03 am
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i don't know what's been up with me. i haven't felt like talking to anyone lately. all i feel like doing is laying on my couch in front of the tv or playing guitar. for once i actually woke up depressed. i think it's partially because of my lack of sleep and partially because of the shitty weather. oh fuck it.
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Wednesday, February 20th, 2002
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7:41 pm - open mic
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so this girl named tracey called me today about my open mic and was looking for this guy to play a gig. she thought i might know him, but i don't. she also mentioned something about coming to mine this weekend. so, if i please her, maybe i'll get the gig. that would be huge... it's paid. but i'm not gonna get my hopes up.
and i'd finally have enough material to work up a good half hour to hour concert. i wrote another song today... "at your side". it's about love gone astray and how i'll still back the person up through hard times. heh... can't you tell a certain someone influenced me to write this? well... that makes 6 songs in the last two weeks. all in the open D tuning. it sounds really cool on acoustic... but i'm a little worried they sound too much like dashboard confessional. we'll see.
i'm getting really excited for my open mic. tomorrow josh & i are gonna get together & jam for a while... we'll be performing 3-6 songs saturday at the event. word.
current mood:  calm
current music: dashboard confessional - swiss army romance
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Tuesday, February 19th, 2002
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1:35 pm
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class today was tiring. i feel like sleeping already and it's not even the middle of the afternoon. right now i'm going to go post my open mic signs. i feel comfortable doing that now that i have secured the equipment. i also need to get a purchase req for 4 gallons of coffee. word.
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8:47 am - words can hurt... on how PC i've become
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last night i was bored so i was finding users randomly and i was surprised at how PC i have become since graduating from high school and attending college. people say things that really get on my nerves. so & so is "acting so gay". i even saw people using racist slang like "nigger" and "kike". it's amazing how many people are unaware of what others think about it and how they feel when such terms are used.
i guess i felt like going off on a short rant. it kinda pissed me off, but then again... who am i to tell them how to live their life and what language to use? it is THEIR journal so why can't they put whatever they want in it?
it just bothered me.
current mood:  annoyed
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Monday, February 18th, 2002
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1:58 pm
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why is the world filled with such fucked up people. i'm sick of it all. i know i'm fucked up. i don't think i've ever met one non fucked up person. the only two people i really feel connected with right now, here at school, are lina and hillary. thanks guys! but i'm just so fucking tired of it all. i want to go away, find some secluded spot and stay there for a week, live on my own and be away from everything.
l & h... you up for that?
spring break needs to come quick.
yet i feel... *refer to current mood*
current mood: calm
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12:49 am
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ooo... just changed the colors of my journal. spiffy. i like it. it fits me.
but nobody really cares do they. oh well.
current mood: aggravated
current music: godsmack live on mtv
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Sunday, February 17th, 2002
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10:25 pm - "i heard about your regrets... i heard that you were feeling sorry"
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well i had a surprise visit from my brother today. he came over about 1.5 hours ago & we talked for about 15 minutes. then my parents called & we couldn't talk anymore because my mom doesn't know how to stop talking & we spent 45 minutes on the phone. that's a slight overexaggeration, but not much. other than that today has been very laid back. i went over to lina's around 1 for homemade tomales that her mom sent for her b-day. her 21st b-day... HAPPY BIRTHDAY LINA!!! MY BESTEST OF ALL FRIENDS :) word.
well i'm slightly sad tonight. no one is online and i'm feeling slightly lonely now that i have no one to hold. but everything will be alright. i must embrace singlehood & enjoy it. i must not look. stay positive. stay positive. stay positive.
i feel the urge to play guitar coming on.
current music: something corporate - ben franklin's kite
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Saturday, February 16th, 2002
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11:51 pm
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today was alright. very chill as usual. due to uncontrollable circumstances, i didn't get to bed until 4:30 last night... thus, i didn't wake until slightly after noon. i made signs for my open mic & went to safeway. that's about it. fun to be me eh?
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12:07 pm
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yesterday was good. i chilled a lot & played some guitar down at the desk. i watched shakespeare in love with some fellow RAs & we talked & chilled until the wee hours of the morning. yeah... i just woke up. word.
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Friday, February 15th, 2002
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11:43 am
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it's a beautiful day out. i'm missing my first class. i slept until 10:30, so i'll just get the notes from meags.
i threw back the curtain today and the sun is out and the air is cool, but not too cool. i'm wide awake and very happy. it's going to be a good day.
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Thursday, February 14th, 2002
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6:29 pm
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"but the hours they creep,
the patterns repeat.
don't be concerned, you know I'll be fine on my own.
i never said "don't go".
this basement's a coffin
i'm buried alive.
i'll die in here just to be safe.
i'll die in here just to be safe.
'cause you're gone
i get nothing
and you're off with barely a sigh.
does he ever get the girl?"
i guess this sums up my current feelings.
i know i deserve better. everyone tells me that.
but is anyone really good enough for me?
current mood:  sad
current music: dashboard confessional - ruined puzzle
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12:04 pm
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oh my god!!! i got a package in the mail from erin degg today! she rules so much. i'd say she's pretty much my best friend from high school. i love that girl :)
inside: candy, a valentines day card, a lotto ticket (no winnings this year, but i don't mind), and a picture frame with a pic of me playing guitar in it taken over christmas break when we hung out. i feel really special now :)
i just finished writing a song called "you were right". in it i sing about how i think she was right in the whole decision to not be together. it's the wrong time for her, and i respect that. i think we'll be very good friends. i just saw her a few minutes ago and she was happy & i think she saw that i was too. i believe everything will be alright.
but then again, my horoscope says it's a 2 star day... as was yesterday. we'll see.
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8:22 am - these lyrics express my feelings:
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"i've been here before
and i deserve a little more
i belong in the service of a queen
i belong anywhere but inbetween
she's been lying
i've been sinking
and i am the rain king..."
things will be okay.
i know it.
i feel confident.
i feel like a better person.
i feel like something else good will happen soon,
but i'm not going to expect it.
all will run its course as it may.
current mood: indifferent
current music: counting crows - rain king (10 spot)
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1:30 am - i've come to a conclusion: women are here to destroy me.
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they draw me in, sometimes slowly, sometimes quick. then in a flash, it's over and i'm left on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, wondering where to go. my direction is lost, part of me is gone. and it'll take me a while before i someone can help me back up.
it's funny. you hear all the stories about women wanting the committment and guys fearing it. all my experience has been the exact opposite. i want committment and they don't.
funny being that i'm not too hurt right now. but time could change that. i guess i've come to expect being shit on by the opposite sex, by being used and tossed aside like an old newspaper.
the thing is... this one looked like it would actually last. but, then again, it lasted 3 days. i have yet to have a relationship last more than 2 weeks.
half of me wants to cry and pout and take a drive off into the country to think and the other half wants to just sigh with relief and move on.
i'm beginning to come to the conclusion that there is no one out there for me. it's hard to come to those terms, but the more this happens, the more comfortable i feel thinking that way.
i should have taken your advice. i should have listened. this stuff never happens to me and i should now expect to be tossed aside like nothing. it's coming to be fact with me. i am doomed to be alone, tormenting myself in loneliness and wallowing in my pain.
the thing is... i really like myself right now. my feelings are so conflicted. my gut is screaming: "turn on some counting crows... delve into that pain"... but for once, my intelect is telling me not to. "try to sleep."
i guess the good thing to come from this is the inspiration to write more music. and, each time this happens, i tend to grow stronger & feel slightly better about myself.
so... what now? i'm going to be myself. if that means being sad, so be it. if that means being happy, i'll jump for joy. i want to be honest with people... about my feelings and about who i am. i want to keep communication open. it's the key to building relationships and friendships.
and with that, i'm going to stop. i could go on for hours, but you don't need to hear all that. i just know right now that my feelings are those of indifference.
it was just really nice to have someone to hold for a while.
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12:10 am
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Wednesday, February 13th, 2002
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10:04 pm
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"get away from me
get away from me
this isn't gonna be easy
but i don't need you believe me
yeah you got a piece of me
but it's just a little piece of me
i don't need anyone these days
i feel like i'm fading away"
why do i deceive myself into being happy?
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6:28 pm
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today was good but long. i'm fairly tired, even though i got a decent amount of sleep last night. after my first class, in which we watched an episode of quantum leap, i came back to my place & started to write another song. word. that'll make 4 in the last week. damn i'm good.
planning for open mic is done. i need to continue advertising & make sure we'll be able to get the equipment in time... otherwise i'll be freakin.
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12:43 am
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the scoop. there's nothing. and i'm fine with that. we chatted for a long time and everything is cool. the funny thing is, all those feelings i was having are completely gone. we're just friends and all is good. just better friends now that we've been through this. we both came to realize that it wouldn't work.
i'm doing great right now.
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Tuesday, February 12th, 2002
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8:22 pm
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today was long and stressful. my high point was writing the song. i like it & i'll probably play it at my open mic. other than that, i had 2.5 hours of class an so far 3 hours of meetings. i have another hour long meeting tonight. then comes "the talk". that's it.
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11:27 am
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so before class started, i sat down with my 12-string & figured out some pretty cool riffs. well, after coming back from class, i decided i didn't like the main one, so i changed it & now it sounds 100 times better. then i started to write. i think this may be my best song yet.
i really think i'm coming into my own style, especially since i started using the "dadgad" tuning. in the last week, i've written 3 or 4 songs i am almost completely satisfied with. it makes me extremely pleased at myself. alright.
the song is called "i could not ask for more". hopefully i'll have a meaning posted on my site soon. word.
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