Wake Up, Get Up, Walk Away (Zen Fucking Master)'s LiveJournal Entries [entries|friends|calendar] Wake Up, Get Up, Walk Away (Zen Fucking Master) [ website | left of center: home of the ego ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

fight club wisdom. [12 Mar 2002|10:47pm] [ mood | pissed off at people as a whole. dissapointed. worried. discontent. ] [ music | everclear - "normal like you" / incubus - "the warmth" / the deathly silence when edward norton pounds the shit out of jared leto. ] "I wanted to breathe smoke." That sounds about right, right about now. i want you to hit me as hard as you can.

message to the powers that be [12 Mar 2002|10:15pm] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | incubus - "the warmth" ] Ugh. Is it too much to ask to talk to she who makes me happy when I just want to be erased? Its not like I get to see her all the time, at least let me fucking talk to her. I really miss it (even though its been maybe just two days of it.... still, two days is a long time). I miss her, just in general. This sucks beyond WORDS. And damned livejournal never works. I haven't been able to read many journals lately. But my main bitch (and only real one, come to think of it) is that I miss her. I miss talking to her, but I mostly miss seeing her. Let us hope that my trip to the DMV may change the circumstances. 1 busted ear| i want you to hit me as hard as you can.

"funky breath." ouch. that hurts. really. "get a job" double the ouch. seriously. killt me. "i ain't fenna hear it" you already heard it. the last of it, too. get over it and quit being a bitch. [12 Mar 2002|09:36pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | the offspring - "defy you" ] I'm pretty sure Tara is sleeping. Good. Goodgood. Its about time. :) I hope she's dreaming beautiful dreams about everything she desires. In the meantime, here I am, missing her like you would not believe, wishing I could pass out and join her in dreams. But it is not happening. Edward Norton and Robert DeNiro are in-fucking-credible, as always, but "The Score" is still a little too boring. Tonight's fortune cookie: "You create your own stage. The audience is waiting." I like this one. Aaahhhhh shit, I gotta print that script out, still, for Shawnna. I think I'mana do that. I'm really looking forward to working on "burn this magazine" soon. I dunno when I'm gonna start that up, though. As I may have mentioned before, I think its gonna start out as a zine to draw in an audience, and turn into the CD magazine I've been developing for so long. Malthus' "Towards Infinity" is amazing. I've been thinking about sci fi movies recently. I doubt I could really write one. I mean, any dumbass can write something about aliens and space and technology and shit, but the real sci fi films, the good ones, are based on ideas beyond those elements. Just look at Phillip K. Dick, who wrote "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep," (the book "Blade Runner" is based on), the short stories that movies like "Total Recall" and the upcoming "Minority Report" are based on, and much more. The title of the book "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep" conveys the idea of the story well, in itself (remind me to buy that book, sometime). For other examples, look at films like "The Matrix" and even the "Star Wars" trilogy. They convey ideas using the science fiction element as tools. Hell, even the original "Star Trek" series; the effects sucked horribly, and weren't even that grand for the days' standards, but it become popular through the stories and ideas it reenforced. I wish I could do that. Maybe some day. Since I started writing this, I walked away numerous times, got yelled at by parents, and Tara has awoken and gotten online. Now to print that script. i want you to hit me as hard as you can.

"and then I rode in down row-day-o with a shotgun" [12 Mar 2002|05:31pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | rage against the machine - "down rodeo" ] I wish I could organize some kind of, like, weekly meeting type thing with all the artists and writers and people with wonderful ideas that I know. But considering I know most through the less-than-wonderful world of the internet, it isn't likely. It would be a sort of sharing of ideas, where we could discuss different things and talk about our latest projects or basically anything at all. Stimulating conversation is one of the greatest gifts that comes with knowing a language. Stimulating conversation can always manage to uplift every spirit involved... and, I dunno, just a whole big melting pot of different writers and artists has ALWAYS been something I would love very dearly... I dunno how else to explain it. John Steinbeck and a bunch of other writers did this sort of thing diuring the Great Depression. Here's my wish list, though, for now, of everyone I would want to come to this, even though the list is impossible: ¥ first off, the person today who reminded me that I would love to do this: meghan, a.k.a. distraught, would totally be in. She's an INCREDIBLE poet, despite what she would tell you, and her photography fills me with a sort of bittersweet joy that I can describe in no other words. A very wonderful, nice, intelligent person who I often relate to. Go to her latest entry to get an idea of what I mean by her photography and poetic use of the English language ¥ Tara, a.k.a. snotmunkie, not just because she's the girl I can't seem to stop thinking of, but because she is an INCREDIBLE artist and a breath-taking writer (though she would say otherwise) who never ever ceases to amaze me with the things she is capable of doing. I wish I could see more of her work (she drew her main icon, btw) ¥ Lisa, a.k.a. Pookie, a.k.a. angelmuse, because she's a very talented writer with wonderful ideas and a helluv critic and editor that I almost always turn to to help improve my own writing. ¥ Malthus, a.k.a., well, malthus, who is ALSO a marvelous writer with incredible ideas. Often, I find myself disagreeing with his ideas, but its aalll good, because in order to really progress in any way you need an opposing view. Just began reading his comic script "Towards Infinity." So far, I am speechless. And haiku wars are grand. ¥ Chris, a.k.a. Hated, a.k.a. balanced because she is MOST DEFINITELY one of my favorite writers, poets, and basically everything having to do with the written word. She's just very simply an incredible writer. Not to mention an awesome person with AMAZING ideas that I am in love with. In fact, I want her ideas' love children. If anyone that I know would ever start some kind of revolution, it would be her. One day, I want to see some of the commercial art things she does. ¥ Patrick, a.k.a. executioner on deadjournal.com. Only catch is that Patrick would HAVE to talk about the things he tends to think about, as are demonstarted only mildly in his deadjournal, as oppose to how non-conversational he tends to be in real life. He's clearly quite a thinker and an observer, and it would be great to get in a discussion with him about some things, if he'd just open his mouth. Gawr. This list isn't NEARLY finished, nor do I think I will it be any time, soon, as I will no doubt NOT have the ambition, later. However, I must go eat something, and cannay leave this open. Whatever. I'm fairly certain that the other people I would include don't have livejournals, so its safe to say they shall not be offended when I do not include them. At any rate, I love that idea. I wish it were possible. You never, know, though, some day a Great Depression could bring us together....... like the Power Rangers. Or something. Uhh, later. 2 busted ears| i want you to hit me as hard as you can.

"we do what we waant/yes we do what we waaaant" [12 Mar 2002|04:04pm] [ mood | grateful ] [ music | linkin park - "in the end" / everclear - "local god" / volante - "watching sita burn" ] LMAO. Oi. As of right now, the only thing still bothering me about Russell is that we still sit at the same lunch table. "its all about the paper and nothing else....." I laughed out loud long and hard at that one. "i aint gettin a fuckin bullet in my head cuz someone failed me...." came first, though, which is dumb as fuck, cause I kept trying to get him to tell me what would happen if I didn't make that R Kelley sex tape for him (*shock, gasp!* Yeah, I said it), and he wouldn't tell me. Things might have been different had I thought my best friend might get shot over it, but since he's probably exageratting like a mother fucker, its no skin off my nose. "its all about the paper and nothing else....." still makes me laugh. I don't feel so bad about it, now. Would have ended up this way, anyhow, if that's his philosophy on life. Plus, that's what you get when you TELL one pissed off rebellious teen to put a fucking illegal kiddie porn movie onto a tape for, and thus go against, in more ways than the one mentioned, to go against what he feels very strongly about. I wonder when they're going to put a bullet in him, like he says. ;P "fucking jew monkey" such a way with words. "i ain't got time for games and consciences" lmao. then I ain't got time for you. Lesson to be learned: Never become best friends with people who meet you by stalking you for a good few weeks. That's enough on that subject. Last night I had a dream that I was trapped in some building downtown (a la "Die Hard", only in the wee hours of the morning, and it felt like school. And I had shoes.) and couldn't get out, and there were these two rival gang families that I kept switching alliances with (a la "Yojimbo" and its remake, another Bruce Willis movie "Last Man Standing") that were trying to kill me. And then I dreamt that I was trying to get out of it with a lot of money, and run away with Tara (a la Butch in "Pulp Fiction") In other words, my subconscious is trying to tell me that I am Bruce Willis. Or something. It was a cool dream, if some what unnerving and frightening. Big surprise that Tara played a major part in it, I'm sure. ;P Noooo, why on earth would the one person I canNOT stop thinking about and who has been in every dream I've had for God knows how long be in this one? Its really getting ridiculous. Even in my sleep I can't escape thoughts of the girl. Not that I'm complaining.... It looks like there are going to be some INCREDIBLE movies coming out soon. :) My recent visit to apple.com/trailers had me bouncing in my seat. I can't wait till I get my license later this week (for real, this time). I will be forever in that theater. Along with other places... ;) Shit, that reminds me, I gotta print out scripts for both Shawnna and Natalie and another one I have to mail to Blake.... I also thought of something else: the two people I have volunteered for "cronie work" are two people that....really aen't getting along right now. I'll probably just make one a cronie and one a rebel, which I am in desperate need of. Which means I'll still need one more cronie... Hmm. I'm really excited about making this flick. Ought to be getting a CD burner soon so I can clear my computer of aalll the other stuff I have on it, and then have plenty of room for digital video on muh hard drive. :) PLUS, then I can make video CDs, which can play in DVD players, and are of really high quality. This would come in handy for film festivals, when I need to convert everything to Beta, it will look better coming off of a video CD. ANYwhozzle. This movie is going to be fun as hell. :) I'm really proud of the script. I don't even feel like there are major revisions that need to be made. Just a couple things I thought of I want to add, today, simply cause of the casting (for instance, Natalie is short and Blake is tall, so when Blake stands, I'mana have Natalie whistle the Green Giant theme ;) I have Tara to thank for that idea, along with inspiring every other idea in the film, even the film itself and its ideas in their entirety. Muses are WONDERFUL.) I'm also going to have to find a wheelchair for a camera dolly, especially in the torture scene, so we can move smoothly and remain at eye level with the main character, which is important for what I'mana do. If anyone has one they are willing to donate, that would be grand and greatly appreciated. Especially if you can walk. Today was tiring as fuck and I went through most of it pissed off, but its all good, in the end. I recently read an interview with Jared Leto, and he talks through half of it about David Fincher (director of "Se7en," "The Game," "Fight Club," and the upcoming "Panic Room," kids) and it made me very very happy. Jared Leto is also an actor I would kill to work with, one day in the distant future. I am on the EDGE OF MY SEAT waiting for "Panic Room." I CANNOT WAIT. Alright, enough of my ranting. I'm gonna go try and do my homework and end up daydreaming. Or maybe I'll actually be dreaming, considering how tired I am... Who knows. i want you to hit me as hard as you can.

"then, window, let day in, and let life out" [11 Mar 2002|03:57pm] [ mood | cynical ] [ music | radiohead - "talk show host" ] Today was like this: You're dangling above a pit of hellfire, with snakes and demons and twisted mangled arms and shit grabbing for you, trying to pull you down. However, you have a ladder that is holding on to you, that you are gripping tight to. You know that ladder will be there, you know you're not going to loose your grip, you know you're safe, but it still FEELS wrong because your feet are dangling above all of the senselessness and infecting your mind and shit, and you KNOW that none of it matters because you still have that ladder. That ladder will never let go of you and you will never let go of that ladder. But Jesus, if you could only get your feet secure on that rung.... That was today. Though that made no sense. I came home with plans to dash downstairs and take some St. John's Wort, but I haven't. I will after I write this. I very seriously feel like Romeo in that first scene we see him in in "Romeo + Juliet." Radiohead isn't helping. Only, suppose Romeo already met and fell for Juliet, by then. Then it would be me, right now. Ugh. I so need this St. John's Wort. And I need to learn to not make friends who will do everything in the world for me. I've done it before. The same thing always happens. They ask for something that I simply cannot give them and I am not their friend. "I wanted to put a bullet in between the eyes of every panda that wouldn't screw to save its species." That was today, also. I'm thinking about running away. I don't know where. It probably wouldn't be very long, cause I'm sure they'd catch me. I'm sure things would be worse when I get back. But I stopped caring about that a while ago. I fucking need some St. John's Wort. Gotta keep thinking about the ladder. About Juliet. I have to keep thinking about Tara, cause its the only thought I can come up with worth keeping me alive. And I have to take some fucking St. John's Wort. Here's much you do with hate, but more with love! Why then, o brawling love, o living hate, o anything of nothin first create! O heavy lightness, serious vanity, misshapen chaos of well-seeming forms... Fuck Russell. Fuck him for making me feel like shit for holding to what I believe in. Fuck him for choosing a goddamned few dollars over our friendship. Fuck him. More and more reasons happen every day for me to hate money. Just keep fucking thinking about Tara, and g some damned St. John's Wort, lest you hurt thyself. i want you to hit me as hard as you can.

cut me in two, would you? [10 Mar 2002|10:32pm] [ mood | pissed off. depressed. out of suicidal funk. enthralled. still pissed. ] [ music | no music, just the boiling rushing sound of blood ] Seriously? I think I would kill myself if it weren't for Tara. Fuck Russell and his money. >:-O I want to throw up. Ten minutes ago I wanted to cry, but couldn't. About fifeteen minutes ago, I would have blown a chunk of my head off. I have Tara to thank for.... just being. To bedroom where I will most assuredly not sleep. i want you to hit me as hard as you can.

[10 Mar 2002|03:32am] [ music | darwin's waiting room - "live for the moment" ] Patrick has interesting thoughts on love. i want you to hit me as hard as you can.

suzanne [10 Mar 2002|02:55am] [ mood | groggy ] [ music | everclear - "santa monica" / incubus - "summer romance (anti-gravity love song)" ] Ugh. There seems to be some kind of weirdness. She won't even say goodbye anymore. She won't even make an effort at talking. Before we had such lavish and long conversations. Now she can't even press the IM button and say "Hello." I'm the one who has to do that. WTF? What the fuck is her problem? Fuck it. If she ever has anything to say to me anymore, she can make the fucking effort to say it. I'm so sick of playing the mind game, trying to figure out what her fucking problem is. I'm so sick of feeling like the only one who cares about our friendship, even though its very possible that I'm the one who fucked it up. Ugh. This is so stupid. Stupid ass teenage drama. Here's what I don't get: The label of "teenage drama." I see my parents and other adults use it all the time. Then I see those same adults going through the exact same drama. Maybe because they have to make money and pay bills, the drama seems less prominant in their lives, or something. But soap opera bullshit doesn't leave you when you turn 21. Ignore this post. I'm actually still very very very much on cloud nine. Tara makes me so happy. This is the first annoyed thought I've had in a while, which is really saying something, taking into account my family. I wonder if I have any homework... I'm muy hungry. I will get some food. Y Ácomo! 2 busted ears| i want you to hit me as hard as you can.

quiz stolen from pookie [10 Mar 2002|01:52am] [ mood | dorky ] [ music | head banging on keyboard with fatigue ] ( never even heard their stuff. oh well. ) i want you to hit me as hard as you can.

okay okay! [10 Mar 2002|12:50am] [ mood | amused ] [ music | india arie - "ready for love" ] Russell: u write about russell and mike now >:-O Me: lmao Russell: my name only appears once on this week Russell: u write about ur views and thoughts and feelings about me and mike now >:-O So Russell, being the gay pimp he is, got this guy he's had his eye on for a while, named Mike to come over to our lunch table (through Shawnna and Debra, though) the day before yesterday. We dunno if Mike is gay or not. Its kinda hard to tell, but then again, it usually is. He told Mike (for reasons unknown to me) to wear a blue shirt and khakis the next day, and, get this: he did. So either he's got a sense of humor, he's a serious bitch, or Russell's gaydar did not read wrong. Russell also noticed an uncanny resemblance to Mike and this other guy at our table, Paul, who annoys Russell greatly. Anywho, we all find Russell and Mike to be an amusing duo. Russell's stalking Mike, right now. But that's not unusual. That's sort of how Russell meets people. That's how he met me (before he either came out or realized he was gay) and that's how he met Patrick, and, come to think of it, I think that's how he met most of the people from school. ANYwho, he seems to really like this Mike guy, so hey, its all good. Uhm...yeah. That works, I guess. I'm sure he'll correct me if he wants me to mention anything else. 1 busted ear| i want you to hit me as hard as you can.

"i think what the military is really afraid of is a bunch of gay guys with m-16s going, 'who are you callin a faggot?'" [09 Mar 2002|11:42pm] [ mood | relaxed ] [ music | the artist on SNL, right now. "my owrth is not determined by the price of my clothes?" aaaamen. ] Wowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowow. I cannot even BEGIN to go on about last night's events with Tara and most of the HF crew, except that, as is the case with every other evening with Tara, it ended far too soon. Yesterday was fucking WONDERFUL, though. let me sum up the high points with bullets: ¥ Relaxed day at school, save the Government exam which I SOOOOO totally passed. The relaxed atmosphere was probably due to the fact I was in a sleepy daze and it was warm and nice outside, but whatevah ¥ Kyle and misunderstanding Mr. Baltz saying "Talk among us" for "Taco mungus." Proceeding to have fun with "taco munugs." ("taco mungus?" "maco tungus" "ocat sugnum." "otac musnug." .....maybe you had to be there. we were hysterically laughing.) ¥ Debra picked me up to go downtown at Hume Fogg rather early, for the Talent Show (btw, my secret was that I was going to surprise Tara at the show) which meant I didn't have to linger around the house which is ALWAYS good. ¥ An AMZING peice o graffiti we saw on a wall under a bridge on the way there. I almost crapped my pants. ¥ When we got there, it was early enough that Tara and Pookie were probably still down there at the Frist Art Center. Turns out, I got there earlier than them ¥ Forgetting to write a message on my dollar until I got at the register, and cashiers at Frist who fall in love with me for writing "you are not a slave" on my $10. "Wow, I never get anything like that...usually obscene things, if anything... Wow.... Here's an extra nickel, sweetie" ¥ Running into Tara and Lisa on my way out, and seeing Tara trying to not act surprised. ;D ¥ Two words: SCIENCE GLOVES. ¥ Tara ¥ Three/Four more words: POST-MODERN ART EXHIBITS ¥ Frist Center gift shop and pretty much aaalll the goings on in there ; ) ¥ A hyper and happy Pookie. : ) That was indeed an awesome and rare occurence that unfortunatly did not last all evening :-\ Was fun while it lasted, though, although we did joke about straightjackets... ¥ Tara ¥ "Ho ho ho" (say it really raunchy, like a really horny French guy) singing "Roxeanne," a la the narcoleptic Argentinian from "Moulin Rouge" ¥ Watching Tara draw outside ¥ Watching Tara draw inside ¥ Tara ¥ "The Careless Moon" performed on stage was incredible. Anyone else who entered "Songwriting" in Writer's Showcase is in for a run for their money. ¥ THE YO-YOS!!!!!!!!!! OH MY HOLY DEAR MOTHER FUCKING GOD, THAT WAS THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE GOD DAMNED LIFE!!!!!!!!!!! (next to Tara. *gets pushed, like last time he said that*) It had my jumping up and down in my seat, the shit Mark was doing with those yo-yos!!!! ¥THE YO-YO ENCORE!!!!!!!! JUST when I thought it couldn't get better, he comes back on and does EVEN BETTER AND MORE INCREDIBLE TRICKS with GLOW IN THE DARK YOY-YOS!!!!!!!! ¥ Rappers and songs about food and "Come with me/To a place called KFC" and my inability to get over THE YO-YOS!!!!!!! OMHDMFG!!!!! ¥ Have I mentioned Tara, yet? (heheh, I'm sure everyone wants to shoot me, by now) ¥ Graffiti COVERING a stall in an HF restroom. Not the coolest I've ever seen, but my school sure as hell doesn't have anything like that in it. And my school is ghetto than a mutha fucka. ¥ Indian dances to Indian pop songs that are really incredibly amazing. ¥ Other really fun talent show stuff that don't quite top the Yo-Yo thing (which was INCREDIBLE) ¥ Getting forced to stay and watch a horrible boy band (notice, I said that the act of being forced to watch was a high point, and not watching) ¥ Tara (I know you're sick of it. But do I care?) ¥ Other stuff I can't remember, but I laughed at at the time ¥ Being on cloud nine the entire evening The only sucky thing was when it ended. :-\ And I wanted to stay in that last hug forever if I could have, but I knew my mom was in a rush and would yell at me. And I think my mom's beginning to put two and two together about me and Tara. Ah well. I don't care, anymore. Today I did nothing except continue to float on cloud nine and sleep. :) Say "Don't Say A Word," though. It was pretty good. My only complaints were that the villains and a few other characters were really two-dimensional, and the director was very clearly working on some kind of Hitchcock/Fincher hybrid that, although cool, got to me a little bit. It was still very cool and pretty psychologically dense and over all very cool. The director's style worked really really well for the film, even if it did try a little hard. :-D And John Stewart is amazing. It takes balls the size of fucking Australia to address homosexuality and violence in your opening SNL speech. Yes it was funny, goddammit. >:-O OOOOH, I forgot a bullet: ¥ ONE OF MY FAN COMICS APPEARED IN YESTERDAY'S GIRAFFES AND ELEPHANTS!!!! Uhhhh..... I think that's all. Too busy floating around and drawing to really write too much. Remind me to mention Mike later, before Russell tries to hurt me. i want you to hit me as hard as you can.

"taco mungus?" "maco tungus." [08 Mar 2002|03:20pm] [ mood | giddy ] [ music | everclear - "local god" / radiohead - "talk show host" / basically the rest of the "romeo + juliet" soundtrack ] Today his been a hilarious day. It was actually, decent. And it'll be better in about 45 minutes when Debra comes to pick me up. ; ) I'm trying to avoid imagining the look on Tara's face. Don't want to expect one look and get another. Probably won't be that big a deal, anyway. Probably could have told her and it wouldn't have made much of a difference. :-\ Ah well. Mustn't think of things that will lead me to getting down. And what makes today even better: ONE OF MY FAN COMICS APPEARED IN TODAY'S GIRAFFE'S AND ELEPHANTS!!!!!!!!!! I am so proud. I can't wait to read the comments people leave about it. Anywho, must get ready before Debra gets here. heheheheh. "ocat sugnum." I'll explain later. 1 busted ear| i want you to hit me as hard as you can.

"you've got something to reveal/no one can know how we feel" [07 Mar 2002|05:43pm] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | queens of the stone age - "lost art of keeping a secret" / jimi hendrix - "voodoo child" ] I FINISHED THE SCRIPT. It is 50 pages long. That's waayyy too long for a short film. Usually, in the proper screenplay format, the number of pages is around how many minutes the film is. I know this willbe a LOT shorter, shot and edited together, because its a bit more frantic and desperate, PLUS the script goes into a LOT of subtext, even implying what the characters are thinking, to benifit the actors and those confused readers of the script who cannot see the actors perform it. But 50 pages??! FULL pages. Page 50 ends at the VERY BOTTOM of the page. At any rate, its finished, and I'm fairly satisified with it. :) Its still untitled, though for Writer's Showcase, I called it "The Torture Artist." That's too tacky for the finished film, though. I don't really have to worry about it, though, until the film is done (although I suppose I need it for the opening credits) I wish I could use the song by the Queens of the Stone Age, "The Lost Art of Keeping a Scret" in this film, or at least the chorus. It would be PERFECT. "Whatever you ddoooooooooooooo/don't tell anyone" and really sort of creepy and odd. It would go greatin there, somewhere, even if its just while Robert is listening to his headphones. In fact, now that I think of it, that would be PERFECT for Robert to be listening to on his headphones. PERFECT. I think I'll desperatly beg them to let me use the song, anyway, and also use it for the closing credits because I think it would be perfect for THAT as well. BLOODY PERFECT. I love this song. In fact, I have a secret right now. :-D I feel like a jerk, for the moment, for keeping it, but I won't get the desired reaction I want to give if I tell. So I know its for the best. Still, though.... :\ I didn't get to finish writing "Roulette" in time for Writer's Showcase. :\ Ah well. Fuck it, I'll just improve on it over a year (what I wish I could do with everything I submit, anyway) and submit it next year. I did submit the second draft of "Exploding Horizontally," though itmight be too explicit to get passed the school judges. Who cares, though. I don't need a contest to prove I'm a good writer. I don't have to prove it to anyone, really. Still, winning money for something you love doing is nice, too. Last night at three in the morning, when I finished printing what I could out, and was faced with the idea that nothing would get to Writer's Showcase (something possible, even now), I began to worry about it, and all the shallow things about what I could get with Writer's Showcase. Then I realized what I had been thinking, and realized I had been thinking it for a while. And I told myself that it didn't matter. And I laughed at myself until I fell asleep. Its good knowing that even with all the meaningless awards I've won for my writing, I still have a bit of artistic integrity in me. I have to use this song in this movie. Tedious day. I went through it like a zombie. A got to draw, though, aaaaalllll in third period, because Mr. Baltz is having me do the cover for the magazine his poetry slam club is putting out, of their poetry. His is the coolest club in the school. Anywho, I got to draw. The theme is "Expressions in Ink" so its a major major ink drawing. I'll scan it, if I can. Test in fourth block that I know I failed miserably. Today has been a beautiful day. I got to sit out in it after school for a couple of hours, and draw, of course. It was nice. :) Then my mom picked me up, and let me drive, and we went to Sonics and I got a large Dr. Pepper (they didn't have Pepsi) with, get this, watermelon flavoring. I wasn't so sure it would be good, but I had to try it. I loved it and I haven't stopped bouncing off the walls, since (save when I dissapointed people. damn secrets. I keep telling myself, it'll be worth it.) the quote from the subject line seems to applie to me in many many many many ways, now, aside from the current secret I hold that will be shortlived. "No one can know how we feel." I think that's all I want to say. 1 busted ear| i want you to hit me as hard as you can.

[07 Mar 2002|06:30am] [ mood | restless ] [ music | i've got a lovely bunch of coconuts ] At this point, I can see now reason for me to live. Will someone please shoot me? 9 busted ears| i want you to hit me as hard as you can.

i am tara's crack cocaine. [06 Mar 2002|06:52am] [ mood | devious. proud. ] [ music | vieris creattion - "infowar" / darwin's waiting room - "i feel so stupid (table 9)" ] I just realized something: I make people think Tara is on drugs. Think about it. ....its a good feeling. :D i want you to hit me as hard as you can.

"you were my reason to live/i would die when you smiled at me" [06 Mar 2002|06:45am] [ mood | dorky ] [ music | the coffee machine in the other room and the rush of traffic on neely's bend / des'ree - "kissing you" ] I'm sitting here eating breakfast. Imagine. Me. Eating breakfast. I hardly have enough time to wake up in the mornings, much less do something like eat breakfast. But I missed the bus. So here I am. Writing this. And eating breakfast. I dreamed last night. Dreamed! Me! As predicted, it was indeed of her. We were both driving through some beach/forest thing in my car, which in reality is hardly equipped to be doing things like driving in sand and dense foilage and shit. It was nice. I remember the smell of dew mixed with her scent.... it was beautiful. And then I remember seeing my dad in walking past with a folder or something, mumbling either munkie or midget jokes. Twas scary. Somehow, every time I blinked in the dream, Tara and I were switched betwixt the driver's seat and passenger seat, and this teleportation seemed normal. What's also very very awesome: seeing part of "Roulette" performed by Shawnna and Blake, who will play stars of the other script I'm writing (odd, too, as I never once imagine Kent and Valerie as at all closely resembling Blake and Shawnna, nor did I imagine Kent tied to a chair like Blake will be in the script, but hey, I'm not picky....) That reminds me. I hope to GOD I misheard part of the announcement (didn't hear most of it, aanyway) and the deadline is still maybe on Monday. PLEASE GOD. Everyone's been telling me the 11th, it better be the 11th. Or I will cry. At any rate, it was indeed a wonderful dream. :) There was more to it, of course, but nothing I plan on explaining to you nor have to time to. ;P Have I mentioned lately that I am the luckiest man alive? Cause I am. School. Blegh. Also, remind me to never ever ever tell childhood stories again. Otherwise, I end up with nicknames like "Pebbles." Which sucks. "You know you like it" <--what Tara probably just said aloud after reading that (if not, I feel dumb than a mutha fucka) I think I want a Pepsi, now. Frosted Cheerios always makes me want a Pepsi. Actually, I just made that up. Its been a loooooooooong time since I've had any kind of cereal, and it wasn't Frosted Cheerios. "burn this magazine" may start out as just a simple zine. That'd be cool to attract an audience. I need to get Pookie to help me make one (I was gonna get her to help, anywho. She is the best critic I know, methinks. Her and also Malthus, I think, though right now I cannot remember specific critisisms Malthus had given previous writings.) Baaah. I'm just gonna come home and write, even if the deadline was today. But shit, I gotta stay to do yearbook shit. Shit. 3 busted ears| i want you to hit me as hard as you can.

"shoot forth thunder" [05 Mar 2002|08:07pm] [ mood | creative ] [ music | radiohead - "talk show host" / rage against the machine - "people of the sun" ] I bought the "Romeo + Juliet Specieal Edition" DVD. The packaging is soooo awesome. Its a little darker than in the picture on Amazon.com, though. I wish I had a shirt like Romeo's, with that pattern on it. And it makes me think of her, which is just as well and not at all surprising. It seems most everything, now, reminds me of her. I began planning "burn this magazine" further, today. Okay. Muuusst retuuurrn to wriiittiiiiinnngg... i want you to hit me as hard as you can.

damn damn DAMN [05 Mar 2002|03:36pm] [ mood | aggravated. urgent. ] [ music | rage against the machine - "sleep now in the fire" ] Writer's Showcase Deadline: tomorow. As in NOT next Monday. Have to finish sooo many writings. Dunno if I'll do anything else. Fuck, and I was gonna come home and sleep. man By the way, today was a beautiful day. I was on cloud 9 the entire time, I think. Thank you, thank you, thank, you, THANK YOU Tara. : ) Though people who are not sad for killing other people pissed me off to no end. More when I can stop writing other stuff. 2 busted ears| i want you to hit me as hard as you can.

"ROLL RIGHT, ROLL CALL!!!/YYEEAAHH WE'RE ALL RIGHT, WE'RE ALL CALM!!!" [05 Mar 2002|12:44am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | rage against the machine - "roll right", "vietnow", "microphone fiend" and "maggie's farm" ] I'm not sure what my problem is. Care to share some insight? Its a good thing I have her to keep me sane. I don't know how I possibly managed without her, before. But then again, I'm not sure I did manage very well, before. heh. Why am I even up? I really am tired. First Everclear, now I'm on a Rage Against the Machine, kick. Well, I'm still in an Everclear stage, but ALSO back into Rage. RATM has been one of my favorite bands of all time for a long time. Today seemed like an apprpriate day to listen to angry, rebellious, and revolutionary music. i ain't gonna work on maggie's farm no more Those lyrics especially. Its actually Rage doing a cover of a song I'm unfamiliar with, on their album "Renegades." Its about a slave who refuses to roll over and take the abuses he endures on Maggie's Farm -- by Maggie's mother, father, and brother. So right now, I sort of relate to it. Though my heart does flip flops thinking about actually doing it, I wouldn't hesitate if you said, "Go." I can't stop thinking about the idea. Not necessarily in a, "I can't wait to do it" way, because I don't know if we ever would. I can't say and I don't think you could either. Maybe its cause I was already thinking about it, and the idea that I wasn't the only one thinking about it is making me think about it more. Now I'm rambling about something only 1 person who reads this (besides me) would ever understand. Yeesh, I feel dum. But hey, its my journal. I'll ramble about whatever the fuck I wanna ramble about in it. I can't seem to stop moving my tongue around. Its been like that for the past few weeks, actually. I can't seem to stop moving it around at hyper-active speeds for nooooooo reason whatsoever. It disturbs me. I wonder if that really falls under some psychological problem or not. Bah. Who cares. I've seen the word complacent around, a lot lately. Every where I turn, there is that word. I think higher powers are telling me I need to do....something related to complacent.org. I dunno what. Maybe get involved with it, do something similar, put the face on a t-shirt or some shit, I dunno. Something, maybe, cause its mainly been popping up after I've visited that website. Anywho. Wait, wait, no anywho. I'm finished. 2 busted ears| i want you to hit me as hard as you can.

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