Meredith's LiveJournal

Time:	4:06 pm.
Mood:	mellow.

Sunday! I have a new apprectiation for Sundays! I started school this week at Aveda. It's fun. I am really intrested in what we learn about. I am so busy now though. I go to school Tuesday - Thursday 9-5. Then after that I work from 6-8 Monday through Friday. Then on Saturdays I have to be at school at 8:15! My friday nights are kinda shot, but I guess I can stand it for 10 1/2 months. Well I haven't talked to Chris since Monday. We were friends for a little while after we had broken up but he continously kept lying to me. SO what's the point f ever having a realtionship agian if I couldn't trust him? So I told him I didn't want to talk to him unitl he could stop lying and be honest with me. He hasn't called me and I haven't called him. It's ok though I really keep my mind off of him during the week. It's still hard though. I wish he would just grow up. I went out with a new guy last night. His name is Cory. He lives in Maple Grove. He is soooooooo hilarious. He made me laugh a lot. He even brought me a flower for our first date. Him, me and my friend Connie and her boyfriend went out. I had met Cory before while me anad Chris were together. I thought he was cute but I never did anything to pursue him since I had a boyfriend. I liked going out with another guy but in a way it made me really miss Chris. Anytime I think about missing Chris I just have to think that I can do better. I know I can. I have things going for me in my life. He just doesn't have his head on straight. I have goals, and I'm on a good track. On our date last night we just went out to Applebee's then went back to Connie's house and went in the hot tub. We got really hot in there so we got out and watched the movie "DOn't say a word" Cory and I cuddled but I fell asleep. Shit, I got up that morning at 6:30! Well i ended up leaving Connie's at like 4:00 in the morning. I dropped Cory off at his carand we kissed. IT was ok I guess. Kinda felt weird. Ya know I couldn't even have a boyfriend right now now if I wanted to. I hardly even spend anytime at home now between work and school. Out of each day maybe I have 2 hours that are my time that I can do whatever I want. Well ne ways I'll update again later. Bye!

Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.

Time:	11:07 pm.
Mood:	hopeful.
Music:	"It must have been love," -Roxanne (Pretty Woman Love Song).

So me and Chris broke up. Kinda sudden I guess. We broke up Wednesday March 20. It was probably the hardist thing I have ever gone through with a guy. At the beginning I didn't understand. I cried constantly and couldn't eat or sleep. I thought my world had ended. After all this was a man that I had fallen in love with and he was one thing that I knew could always make me happy. But I understand now why we broke up. He needs time and maybe I do too. Maybe I just didnt realize it because I was just so mesmarized by every moment I spent with him. It doesn't hurt me as much now the fact that we aren't togehther. I know we couldn't be. He has his things he needs to focus on in his life. It may hurt in the future when he goes out with other girls. But I will go out with other guys. I feel now that when I do go out with other guys Chris will always be in the back of my mind. He will be the one that I compare everyone too. There is hope in the future that we may work out again..Who knows? Once he has had his time to focus on himself. He will always have a place in my heart. I had feelings for him that I never had with anyone else. I can't believe how much it tore me up the first couple of days. I would cry all the time. The memories I have for him and the visions of us being together I still imagine. But the memories and visions don't have to end. I want him as a friend. I care about him and I want to stand by his side and be there the one that has my shoulders on straight. A part of me hates him for not being completely honest with me in our realationship. Can I trust guys? Are they being honest when they really say they love me? But maybe as friends he can grow to tell me more. I still love him and always will. But I really think I'm going to be o.k...2 days ago I thought differntly. I thought it was the end of everything. I had thoughts of jsut doing somehting drastic and seeing how he would feel about it. You can't pitty someone into having feelings about you that you have for them. They just have to be ther and develop. Maybe he'll miss me eventually as his a girlfriend. Maybe no one else will compare. He won't know that though untill he goes out and finds out for himself. I don't know. I guess I'm young and things will happen. I care about him soooo much and I just don't want to see him do stupid things. I can't say that I'm sorry he dumped me. Atleast now I have experienced love.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	We broke up=( Here's a letter I wrote him
Time:	12:41 am.
Mood:	crushed.

This was a letter I wrote to him. I didn't email it to him I just read it to him over the phone. This was written Friday the 22. I think.
Dear Chris,
Friday was so hard for me. Not only is this affecting me emotionally it is stressing me out physically. I can't eat, I cry myself to sleep, and I don't sleep long hours. I can't stop thinking that you really don't want this. Maybe I'm just in denial. This is so hard because I'm sorry but I don't believe the reasons you have told me. Just last Wednesday you were telling me about how much you and Matt Gangi love your girlfriends. Less then 2 weeks ago you gave me flowers. It feels so impossible that you have been thinking about this for 2 1/2 weeks. I'm sorry I just don't believe it. You told me that I was all you ever wanted and could ask for in a girlfriend. I don't believe what you told me yesterday that you want to be single and see other people. You said I was all you could ever ask for. When you are in love this stuff doesn't just hit you the same day that you and I were completely fine. I wish I knew the real reason why this was happening. Are you scared that what we had was too good to be true and was going to sometime end so u thought to just end it now? Are you sad about yourself about this whole school thing? I want real reasons. If I am suppose to get over you then I need that. Things were just doing too well. I don't think you really had that in the back of your head. I think you may have been scared about getting hurt by me. Maybe you were getting too attacthed and it scared you. But I just can't understand this. We were so happy together. We were love birds. If you needed more time with your friends then I couldve given you that. When you said you wanted to see other people--- WHY? I thought I was all you could ever ask for in a girlfriend. I am so confused. I have never felt anything like I have felt about you. I couldn't have ever hurt you. I love you.
Love aLways,
Meredith

Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	So it's been awhile
Time:	1:28 am.
Mood:	sleepy.
Music:	That's where you take me- Britney Spears.

Hmm where should I start? Chris and I are doing so well. We see eachother so much. Atleast 5 or 6 times a week. It's so nice. I had a good V-Day I had to work till 8 but I saw my hunny after. He gave me a killer massage. We love to please eachother. For Vday I got a really cute belly button ring with a dolphin, and a little teddy bear and well some other more sexual stuff. HEHEHe. I got him some pretty nice cologne from MArshall Fields. Its Swiss Army. It's original and thats what I liked about it. He is playing at the Quest MArch 23 so thats exciting. Pretty big deal and hmm Im tired so I m oging to go to bed. GOODNIGHT!

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	10:03 pm.
Mood:	touched.

I am so happy in my life right now. I have a great boyfriend. We get along so well! We are so open with eachother about everything. I've never had such strong feelings for a guy before! He wrote me anote and told me he wanted to fall in love with me and he wants no one else. Uhh I like him so much I think about him all the time! When we have a night that we get to sleep next to eachother I sleep so well and then the next night I have such trouble falling asleep. I can't wait to move out so we can sleep in the same bed. It's not even about sexual things. It's about feeling so close to someone like your hearts are attatched. I am so crazy about him. I have never been in love before.
I went out with a guy for 6 months and never felt the way I feel about Chris. I just wanna be with him all the time. We make eachother smile. We just enjoy eachother's company , we don't have to be doing anything and we still have fun. I wanna love him!!! I can't wait!

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Time:	1:34 am.
Mood:	Caring.
Music:	"I just wanna have some fun" Sheryl Crow.

UHHH I have to write this twice! It just got deleted. But I no if I don't do it now I won't do it for a long time. ANYWAYS about my two trips I took this month I went to Chicago to see my cousin graduate navy boot camp. I could never be that disciplined but i am thankful for those that are because thats what makes the USA fearless. Also I went to California for Christmas. I got to see all my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandama. I haven't had a family Christmas like that for awhile. It was really nice. Everyday was busy with a part of family. I love them all and am glad that we are all in touch. Then if this counts I went up to Walker MN for NEw Years with my boyfriend. IT was like 3 and 1/2 hours away. It was fun. But I really got to go to bed so all I got time to say is I had an enjoyable New YEars!

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	Ketch -up?
Time:	1:17 am.

Well I know I haven't written in well like forever. But I have been kinda busy. I finished a semester at Normandale. It was my first and it kinda gave me some time to think about what I would like to do. Well I was thinking cosmetology. I dunno Im going to Aveda tommrow for a tour. ITs a super expensive and really nice school. Id really like to go there because I think Id have a lot more oppurtunity. I'm working full time now as a receptionist. Thats good because I get to make money and save and get more of my car paid off. Im gonna try to pay double my payment. As for boys in my life....I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!! IT's a long story but we kinda rushed into things at first and broke up. Then we just saw eachother and let our feelings develop. I really like him and care about him. He says really sweet things to me like nobody has ever said before. I am very happy with him. He's great because hes not one of those overly jealous guys that demands all your time. We each have our own time. That's how I like it. We have been through kinda a lot together. Nothing of which I choose to talk about publicly but I feel that everything has made us closer. I feel very comfortable around him. I AM HAPPY!!! I'd love to talk more but I'm tired and I gotta get up tommorw to tour Aveda.
XOXO,
Meredith

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	1:28 am.
Mood:	lonely.
Music:	"You got it bad" Usher.

It's so hard for me to know what I want. I want to have a serious realtionship. But I think the problem is that if I want one it will never happen. Isn't that the way it is , when you aren't looking someone will come into your path? I have just been feeling so lonely lately. Most of my friends have some serious other in their life that loves them. I want to know what that feeling is like. I have never been in love nor has ne one ever loved me. My friends that don't have somebody are pretty much lushes that have to drink every weekend to have a good time. In my heart I have strong feelings for someone. They have never gone away. I wish they would. This man is taken. But I know that he is not happy because he still wants to see me so something has to be wrong. I believe that if you truly love someone you would never cheat on them. I mean what would the point to that be.
Why wouldn't you just break up with them. You must not be happy with something if you stray from that person. God, I am so confused. I wonder if there is someone out there for me? If there is why have I never come close to finding him? Maybe I'm just rushing my feelings. I am only 18 I have a good 6 years before I plan on getting married. I just want to know that I'm loved, I just want to show my love for someone. I'm done with all these losers that I use and they use me for booty. I am done using them for that intimacy just to be close to someone. All it leaves me with is a feeling of emptiness after it all. Why do I think about this so much? Am I thinking about this too hard? I just want to meet that someone. Is he out there? If he is out there will I fuck it up like I always do? It seems like I always do something wrong. How long will this feeling of lonliness go on???

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	Fun Stuff!
Time:	12:18 pm.
Mood:	hungover.

Well Saturday was a blast! I was a little unsure about going out at first because I knew this was gonna be a long night and I havent done that in awhile but I had a blast! I got dressed as a Mermaid..my costume was so cute!! (Ill post pics when I get them devolped and once I figure how to.) We went out to this party in ELko first and it was decorated so fun we stayed there for awhile then we went over to Farmington. Another house part but me and my friends were the only ones dressed up. It was fun though. I was really drunk I had alot to drink. I didn;t puke though! I usually do. But we left that part at like 3:30 in the morning. It's so weird how when Im sober I am somewhat quiet around people I don't know but when I am drunk I can just go out and mingle. I get up and dance theres no stopping me. Well untill my friends say "Mere slow down" I wish I was really social all the time. I mean sometimes I am I do have a bubbly personality but I really don't like making small talk with people. Ya know the usual oh hi how are you havent seen you in awhile what have you been up to kinda stuff. I mean if I really cared to talk to them they would probably be one of my good friends. There is a reason why they are just aquaintces. But i did have a blast last night. It's so weird I am so bladder shy. I had to pee last night and a guy was in there, I just couldn't pee untill he left. But see it's not only guys either I can't pee in front of strangers either like in public bathrooms. My friends say it's called "stage fright." Ok why I just wrote about me bladder habits I have no idea but whatever. It was on my mind. If you have a problem with what I write don't read my journal. But im hungry now im going to eat.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	Family Ties
Time:	12:46 am.
Mood:	Appreciative.
Music:	Ja Rule "Put it on Me".

I started my new job today. I am a receptionist in Bloomington. It's pretty sweet. I just get to sit and do my homework and I get paid pretty well!! I went to lunch today with my mom at Culver's. I love having lunch with my mom we talk about so much and I think I will remember it for the rest of my life. I love the way me and my parents bond together. We have taken so many trips together that bring a smile to my face when I think of them. Whether it be going to a twins Vs. Indians game with my dad or just going to lunch or shopping with my mom I love the quality time I get to spend with my parents. I think for the most part I am pretty honest with them about all that I do. I rarely lie to them and we have a good realtionship. I wish me and my brother and sister in law were closer though. They only live less than a mile away so I should make more of an effort to stop by there just to hang out and talk with them. I am so grateful that I have a good realationship with my family because now a days a lot of kids lie to their parents or just plain dislike them. That's really too bad. I hope I turn out to be a good mother when the time comes. I want my kids to be able to come to me with any obstacle any problem. IT takes a lot of patience and trust and forgivness, and support to be a good parent. I have put my parents through so much grief ...not like im a delinquent but just stupid stuff like flooding my dad's old camry, getting a minor, going to court like 3 times, all of which they had to come with me because I was a minor but they always show they love me and never stop supporting my descions and help me when I get into trouble. I just love them and I wanted everyone to know that. ;)

Comments: Read 9 or Add Your Own.

Time:	11:56 pm.
Mood:	sleepy.
Music:	"I feel you" Nelly Furtado.

Well I know I haven't written in here forever but I am going to start. I'm going to use this to just put little blurbs here and there and also some actual journal entries. I guess I can start off by this weekend. I had a long break this weekend because of MEA...or something like that..teacher association days or something..well wednesady night I laid low kinda just relaxed. Then Thursday I went over to a friend Robbies house. He is on the internet all the time that is how I met him. It's weird I went over there and you would think I would be really attracted to him or have a mad crush on him because he is a really good looking guy but i just don't. He really to be honest has no personality. I could never hold a conversation with him and he is so fake. He knows he is cocky. He has no sense of humor. I don't even know why I went all the way up there. I have a picture of him if ne wants to see him although I just don't know how to put it up.
So then hmmm Friday yeah I went to a party and was sober. Me and my other friend Kaylee are the only ones that ever stay sober. I swear a lot of my griends are lushes. But oh well they can do their thing. So I had an ok time untill drunk people started getting on my nerves and started being loud and obnoxious. So then Sat night I had a blast. Me and a few girlfriends went dancing at Tropix. It was my first time going 18+ i hadnt gone since I was 16. The main room was pretty big and they played music I liked but it was still smooshed with not a lot of room to show what you got. So we went into the 70s 80s early 90s room. WE had a blast! We were up on the platform just dancing and not holding back anything! It feels good to be watched by people. I must admitt I love having alot of attention. I just get crazy and have such a good time. i love it! I met one guy and he asked for a kiss before i left the club...I told him i really don't kiss guys from clubs but he went ahead and pecked me on the lips ne ways. he said "That was it?" and i said "Yeah i don't kiss guys at the club." that's just not my style. so then after that we left there at like 2:15am and I went over to a old flames house. We had fun. And thats all I am going to say about that. Today i had a lot of homework that i put off to the last minute. Im a procrastinator what can I say? I had to read half a book that is so not intresting. I placed a bid on some really cool lights for the back of my honda. Their those aLtezza lights. Oh yeah i got a new car its a 96 honda accord coupe. It is fully loaded with leather and a sunroof, automatic winter starter, security system, 6 disc changer it silver..its really cute iwant to pimp it out but now im done so have a good week everyone!!!! Goodnight!

Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.

Time:	12:28 am.
Mood:	content.
Music:	"Its been awhile " by Stained.

Well I went to a memorial for Brutko on Saturday. It's really sad because his dad just wants everyone to forget it. No friends were allowed to come to the funeral. A lot of people cared about him. Many people came to the memorial. It was just at Ritter Farm PArk and people just sat and talked and ate and one guy read a poem for Brutko. That night me and some friends went to a party in Prior Lake. The guy went to Eden Prarie and we didnt know anyone so we left soon after we got there. It wouldve been fun if I was drunk. Then my friend Brittany went into labor so I left my girlfriends and met some of my friends at the hospital. We were there for 12 hours it took forever to have that baby! But life is just so weird ya know its like after she was done she was holding it and its like wow that thing was just in you! Seems amazing...Life is amazing. I really miss hanging out with my old friends. The main reason we really don't hang out anymore is becasue they have boyfriends and are pretty serious with them. Neither one of us ever call eachother...we've grown apart..i miss them. i think i will start trying to call them we were best friends for a long time. well i start back up to work tommorw ive had 3 weeks off. going to sleep now....

Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	His time came too soon
Time:	2:50 am.
Mood:	sad.
Music:	One Sweet Day by Mariah Carey.

Well I got home from a friend's cabin today it was so great getting away...it was 3/1/2 hours away and it was so refreshing to get away from everything around here. We watched fireworks on the 3rd and laid out on her boat the 4th during the day. We were laying out on her boat when a friend of ours called from home. (Lakeville) She was on the phone 10 seconds and she started to cry. The conversatin was short. She got off the phone and said Brutko committed suicide. Me and her cried hysterically. I won't pretend that I was good friends with him or that I had known him for so long because the truth is that we really only started talking at X fest. But still this guy was very sweet and I will miss him. He always had a smile on his face and would make you feel as you were the center of the universe by saying how beautiful you are or just giving you one of those big bear hugs. The last time I was with him was on Saturday. I sat on his lap and put my arms around him. He was so sweet to everyone and had such a good heart from what I had gotten from him. I know he was a wonderful friend and would bend over backwards for anyone.
When I left that night I asked my friend that was driving me to hold because i had to give him a hug. He said "ohhhh maredeth" --He always mocked my name. And i said "Squezze me harder!!" It was such a big tight hug. I wish I wouldve know what he would have done within the next several days-- I wouldnt have let him go. Death is such a difficult matter to understand. Right now for instance I think that death isnt forever...it has not hit me that he will never be back. It hurts to think how unhappy he was and now how many people's hearts have to deal with that. Death surprises me how so many people are affected by it. There is the people in his family their friends, his friends, their friends, and aqquintces...and so many more. I wish that everyone felt that they could always talk to someone if they have a problem or deppressed, that they would know that they wouldnt be judged. Although I have no idea if this is why people take their lives who knows? So many people think about it I mean Im sure its crossed peoples minds before once or twice but to actually go through with it....thats completly different. I wish everyone not ot take people for granted and keep in mind that they could be gone at anytime. You are missed Jayson!!

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	My perfect man
Time:	1:03 am.

Tonight me and some of my girls went to see Crazy Beautiful. It was a great movie. I cried!! It made me kinda sad and I started to think...I really want to be in love. Im almost 18 and Ive never loved anyone and noone has ever loved me. Besides the obvious love of my parents and friends. I really can't come up with why I don't have a boyfriend. I would consider myself attractive. I think I am a fun girl to be with. Maybe my expectations are too high, maybe I'm searching and that's why I havent found anyone maybe they'll just come about from fate. I want so many things from the man I fall in love with. I want him to have a goal. I want him to be going somewhere in his life. He has to be just hilarious that is so important. I want him to not be afraid to show how much he loves and cares about me. I really want a man that will kiss me in the middle of my sentance. He has to be tall. Im very attracted to tall dark and handsome men, which kinda sux because I don't find many. I want a man that I will be able to trust no matter the circumstances, with that I want trust from him. My brothers wedding is in August, I want a man that I can have as my guest, one that will get along with my family. Is he out there? Am I being too picky? Time will tell.

Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	Physical Attraction
Time:	12:24 am.
Mood:	annoyed.

Ya Know I really dont understand guys. I mean I have hormones too but why are all they guys I meet in such a rush to sleep with me? Why do they want to sleep with me when they don't even know me?Ya know Im a woman and I have needs and desiresand fantasies but the guys I seem to meet or date have one thing on their minds..Sex. One guy even got mad because I wouldnt sleep with him. I mean honestly sure sometimes there is the temptation but the guy and I should both hold ourselves back. I hate realtionships that are purely physical. sometimes when i see a certain someone that is all we do is get physical. I should learn to stay strong but Im always so tempted. Well Bye.