Monday, March 4th, 2002
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10:27 pm
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one day, my mother is going to drive me to kill either myself or her.
the first time in almost one and a half months, i have slept at night. and at 10:45 pm, i must be woken up. reasons known to only her sick and disgusting mind.
i'm going to be a 10 year old baby and not het sleep.
i have had enough of this woman. for an entire year she didnt allow me to take my SAT's and apply. i had to study here. she didnt let me go to a better school in the south of the country for my 11th and 1th grade. she expected me to go to a shit college here where the teachers can not teach. i don't really care about her anymore.
on another totally unrealted note. tom ctuise is a hot person. his movies are silly.
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Sunday, March 3rd, 2002
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9:47 pm
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getting attatched to people = shit = economics exam = everything
i must stop having nervous breakdowns.
i must not watch movies and study instead.
i must get into a good college , and so get good grades and do a fucking shitload of extracirriculars.
i want to sneak out of the house one of these days.
one of these days i will run away.
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8:23 pm
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oh my god! that has got to be... one of the,.. most amazing races. amazing in every god damned way. wow
*dances around* MICHAEL SCHUMACHER won. he is amazing. and imi raikonnan. man oh man. he is going to be one hell of a driver. ofcourse montoya.
i just wish i had seen it live. stupid ohone alarm that did not go off. but oh well. wow.
grreat race.
hats off to mark webber. 5th on a minardi. brilliant. even hough only eight cars finished.
definately a race i will never ever forget.
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1:57 am
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that quualifying was...!!!!!
i's sad that there was a DNQ. i was hoping for a more compettive qualifying. but the season has finally finally begun! yay. only problem is.. it's live at 7:30 am for me.
i wonder if it will rain tomorrow, and really am expectant to see kimi raikonnan drive in the mclaren. not really being a coulthard fan... i hope he seriously outdrives him... so much mre talented.
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Saturday, March 2nd, 2002
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11:37 pm
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dancing around the house to island in the sun by weezer makes me extremly happy.
does anyone remember no rain by blind melon? =)
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2:19 pm
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Unhandled undone
This is how it ends
With fake goodbyes in dreams
In dreams we see we see
We want
So crazy so futile
So scary
Oh the sunlight
And waking
Crawling out of the rabbit hole
Through the looking glass
Lazy lazy
Days go on
Over and till the end
And truly no
This will never happen for
Continuous revelation
Because time never really began
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Friday, March 1st, 2002
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10:46 pm
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2:16 pm
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i just woke up after the most incredible dream. And i am so happy.
everr had a dream where it was so real that you could feel everything about it when you woke up? i want to go live in that dream.
current mood: happy
current music: lala la lala
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1:31 am
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i miss the days when there was so much happiness that i had to swallow hard because laughter wasn't enough.
it was either the panini or the oreo shake or the country lemonade that made me sick. my final gotpostponed. my entire city is shut down for th day. riots, in another state.
i like azure ray.
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Thursday, February 28th, 2002
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10:01 pm
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i woke up after dark. phonecall. "lets go for coffe"
"fine"
"good"
"i'm broke"
"i'll pay"
"okay"
go for coffee drink lemonade and have an oreo shake annd a chicken panini. nice coffe.
"i want to buy a cd"
"okay"
walk around, meet someone.
"i remember you"
"hi"
"do you like reading?"
"ya"
"what?"
"stuff"
walk home. sit alone. should have gone for dinner with my mother.
after you put the phone down with someone you are so close to, and she lives so far away. feels like waking up after dark.
"i miss you"
"i'm going out of town for my long weekend"
"yay"
"i will call you when i'm drunk and sound like minnie mouse"
"i love you woman"
i think she may be my best friend. but i won't say that, because titles never work.
i'm watching the grammys, robthomas. he spoke.
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Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
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10:15 pm
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there are so many times that i'd turn around and see this picyture like in a movie scene with the wind nd the hair and the sky perfect like that. oh i wish. and i'd know that this was me pretending and then i'd wake up. i'd wake up to the next moment and pretend i never dreamed that my imagination was just a figment of itself.
contradicting everything i let myself fall and fall and now i was there at the bottom, looking up at this big dome of a sky like in a snowglobe with orange smeared over the top. i'm just afraid of the clset or the back of the shelf where its that time of night when everyones just gone to sleep and there are cars passing by down below. far far away.
( more whining )
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1:19 pm
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my vitamins are making me ill. i get this odd feeling sometimes like my entire body is going to callpse into itself, and alot of discomfort. i really didnt know what was causing it and i guessed fatigue or stress or nervousness.
as it would turn out my multivitamin is doing this to me. i needed to stay up all night and took a vitamin, aout 15 minutes later bam, this thng hits me. and i can't even sit straight.
stupid vitamin.
sometmes when i get lonely at 4:00 am and have no one to talk to, i miss him. and the conversations we would have that would go on forever. i remember falling asleep for a couple of seconds and waking up to him rambling off about something. i can't even begin to describe what a wonderful feeling it is to wake up to someone speaking to you softly. and that makes me smile. and then i remember everything that came after, and how now, he doesn't even exist to me. and how much i wish i'd just forget.
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Tuesday, February 26th, 2002
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1:45 am
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lately anything i have written has made me want to throw up.
i am suddenly very afraid that i will never write anything worthwhile or anything worth rememberring.
everything i write is so personal, i don't know if anyone can relate to it.
sometimes i want to give up.
i'm also very afraid that i am going to fail my commercial organisation exam on thursday.
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Monday, February 25th, 2002
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4:28 pm - i don't know who i am anymore
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i don't know what i am feeling anymore and how i got to where i am.
interjections fall feeble
in moans and whisps
bleached feelings have no reason
to break down and deem unstable
lying in a broken frame
where stained glass replaced mirrors
rose tinted hues and dark patched
kaleidoscope down as it shatters
broken image of self standing
hypocrysy is likely in the confusion
dying to cling to a pure identity
clutching at starws for absolution
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Saturday, February 23rd, 2002
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11:53 pm
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i am so sick and tired of all of this. this god dmned feeling insde i can't put my finger on. all the god damnedplewhoi can't blame. being sick all the time and sleepy and groggy because of all the antibiotics.
the self sentenced impronment in my house, and my lack of comunication with this world.
this is what it has all come down to. up and down and everywhere but here. where it matters and it doesn't. this really. oh damn. the end. what can i say. i can't say anything but speak. silently in words. to myself and calming and soothing and numbing and nullifying. everything.
and nothing
none of this matters
because time and space
and continuity
make sure of it
they make sure it happens
that everyhing goes on
oh the procedure and the motions
3 2 1 oh there it is
the big moment
went by
it went by counting down
and i can't wait
oh yes i can
and i cant believe
this is it. this really is it.
but what?
what is this inevitable thing we are waiting for?
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2:59 am - help help, finals are murderring me.
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hy <-- introduction
i've taken math for the 11th and 12th grade and i have been out of practice for a while my finals are going on so i need help
how do i get the derivative of
y= tan¹(secx + tanx) that would be the inverse of tan.
thank you i tuned the inside of the bracket into 1/cosx + sinx/cosx
=(1 + sinx)/cosx
and then i get stuck i think it becomes
[cos(x/2) + sin(x/2)]²/cosx
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Friday, February 22nd, 2002
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11:26 am
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oh dear oh dear oh dear!
thy start today! oh my god! i'm already giving my finals. this is the last one. oh my god! ahh of all things to start with
french. ughghghg. i think i will die.
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Thursday, February 21st, 2002
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1:33 am
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i feel kind of wrecked. mybody clock has gone totally and completely haywire. i sleep at 5 am and wake up at 9 am. (because thats what reality wants) i go on then to sleep from about 8p,m to 10pm.
yay for odd timings.
i feel unusually dissatisfied. sometimes when i get lonely i believe its the people (who left me in one way or the other) that i miss. but really i dont miss 'them' i miss the comfort and company they provided. there are some people who i do miss.
but i really miss hving someone i trust. totally. i don't do that anymore. these days i keep my secrets to myself. even the ones that are small.
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Wednesday, February 20th, 2002
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3:29 pm
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i shall attempt to write an entry in french, since i have a french exam in 2 days.
Allo. Je m'appelle shaan. Je suis tres foue. Je ne passe pas mon examen wui est en deux jours. QUELLE HORREUR. Depuis je suis tres fatigue je dormais. mais si je dorm, je mortirais.
je vais etude.
right, that was my bad bad attempt a la langue francais. do make fun of grammar if you like.
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Monday, February 18th, 2002
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2:00 pm
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i feel terribly uninspired. and seem to have migrated into some zombie like place. all i do when awake is yawn, otherwise i sleep. i can lie down at amny time of day or night and pass out.
when i do try to read my textbooks on commercial organisation and economics, or try to write french papers or remember all the math formulae, i can't.
it feels like i have wet cotton in my head where my brain is meant to be.
gah!
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